My Husband Is Addicted To Porn But He Denies It

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6 Min Read

Contents

What A Husband ‘Addicted’ To Porn Looks Like
Your Husband Says He Can Stop Any Time
Is Porn A Problem If ‘All Guys’ Do It?
What To Take Away

I hear this from wives all the time – “My husband is addicted to porn.”

He may or may not actually be addicted, but from her perspective, it sure looks like he is.

Female partners often don’t know of any other way to describe their husband’s obsessive behavior, especially about something they frequently don’t understand why is so appealing.

For most couples, porn is that really uncomfortable topic that rarely gets talked about, and when it does it’s almost always a heated argument that typically goes in circles.

Here’s an example –

I’ve been dating and now married to a man for five years who is addicted to porn I believe. He says he has been watching it since he was about 12. When we started dating I didn't know about it until I borrowed his phone and decided to look at his pictures. I was shocked to find an endless amount of porn pics and clips. I was floored and hurt so badly!!! I tried to forget about it but just couldn’t let it go so I asked him about it. He said it’s not a big deal and all guys look at it so I was being ridiculous. Ever since we’ve fought about it over and over again and broken up so many times I can’t even remember how many anymore, but always gotten back together with him promising that he’ll stop and won’t look again. But I always end up finding it again.” -Shawna

The addiction cycle, as well as conflict cycle, described by Shawna, is so common when a husband is addicted to porn.

He watches porn and hides it.
She finds it and confronts him.
He denies, justifies, excuses, and eventually admits he’s looked.
She says how much it hurts her and tells him to stop.
He promises he won’t look at it again.
She believes him (or hopes it will be true this time).
He stops for a while (sometimes a week or two, sometimes for a few months).
Eventually, he falls back into looking and hiding it again.

And this cycle just keeps repeating, as Shawna’s story shows, until a more serious approach is taken – like coming to Guy stuff for help.

What A Husband ‘Addicted’ To Porn Looks Like

The term porn addiction can get used pretty broadly. We even do so on this website.

Let’s define porn addiction by first understanding what makes something an addiction.

What’s the definition of an addiction?

Here’s what the Merriam-Webster Dictionary says –

Exhibiting a compulsive, chronic, physiological, or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity. Or, strongly inclined to do, use, or indulge in something repeatedly.

The words that stand out the most to me in this description are – compulsive, chronic, habit forming.

Google’s dictionary is even more descriptive –

Physically and mentally dependent on a particular substance, and unable to stop taking it without incurring adverse effects.

The important words or phrases in this description are – dependent, unable to stop, adverse effects.

So, for porn viewing to have become a porn addiction it needs to have become a compulsive, chronic habit that a person is dependent upon, unable to stop, and with adverse effects if it is ceased.

It’s important to note that there’s a difference between having an addiction and having problem behavior.

As I said earlier, we use porn addiction broadly on this website. Some of the people who come here for help with porn aren’t addicted, but they do have problem behavior with porn that needs to be changed just like an addiction does.

Simply (and obviously) said, problem behavior is any behavior that’s causing problems.

Here are just a few of the ways porn viewing can cause problems –

Your partner doesn’t like it and complains about it.
You feel it’s not good for you because it makes you think about sex too much.
You waste too much time watching it.
You feel guilty because you believe you shouldn’t be doing it.

A patient I’m treating right now looks at porn and masturbates every night before going to sleep. He struggles to fall asleep, so he’s developed a bedtime routine of viewing porn to help him relax so he can sleep.

If he doesn’t have sex with his wife before bed, then he turns to porn.

This husband certainly is addicted to porn.

The dependence on porn that this guy now has is one of the signs that it’s become an addiction.

Your Husband Says He Can Stop Any Time

Can he stop?

Sure.

But for how long?

The more important question is can he stay stopped?

Almost every guy will stop for a period of time after getting caught, but all but a very few will go back to it within a month or two.

In my 20+ years of treating husbands with a porn addiction, the only way I’ve found for most guys to have lasting change is to get professional help from an experienced doctor like myself.

In order to stop a porn addiction, you’ve got to do several things –

Learn your triggers, patterns, and influences.
Consistently utilize strategies and tools that stop and replace the behavior.
Understand ‘why’ you do it and address those reasons (this is the most commonly missed step that leads to relapse).
Rebuild the trust with your partner.
Develop a healthy (non-porn influenced) sex life with your partner (yet many guys have no idea what this is like or how porn has influenced them).

He’s right that he can stop any time, but he’s most likely wrong that he can stay stopped. And there’s a big difference between the two.

Being a guy in our over-sexed world is difficult. Sexual images get thrown at us from every direction.

As a result, being a guy who doesn’t look at porn is hard. This is why research has shown for decades that most men look at porn at least occasionally.

Is Porn A Problem If ‘All Guys’ Do It?

One of the most common explanations (or justifications) is that “all guys do it.” In the quote at the beginning from Shawna, her husband told her this.

That statement is mostly true. A a lot of guys do look at porn. In fact, the vast majority of them do.

But just because everyone is doing something wrong doesn’t make it right.

Most people break the speed limit when driving, I do too, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong. When we get a driver’s license, we agree to obey the laws, including the sometimes-ridiculous ones. So, even though almost everyone speeds at one time or another, it’s still against the law and thus wrong.

What makes porn a problem is the damage it causes. It appears innocent and harmless, but it’s just the opposite.

Husbands tell themselves –“It’s no big deal.” But most don’t realize how it changes and warps their minds about sex. Or, how it hurts their wives, even if she says she’s “fine with it.”

Wives compare themselves to the women he’s looking at and feel inadequate because they look different (in their minds less attractive) and question if their husband wants to be with someone else and/or is going to cheat. Some even tell themselves the same lie their husband tells himself, and what our culture tells us, porn is fine and normal (but it’s not).

I don't even know where to start. We have been married almost 25 years, most of them happy due to my ignorance. When I first found out that my husband was addicted to porn, we sought counseling. We finally emerged from that last Spring and were beginning to have fun as a couple again. We designated Friday as ‘date night’. I was finally beginning to trust him again. Our sex life, as always, was wonderful. But then I found out, quite by accident, as happened before, that he was once again looking at other naked women. WHY? I was always accessible to him, we shared many wonderful intimate moments. Why would he need to do this, despite how much he knew it hurt me. Hurt me to my very core. He says it was just curiosity. WTH? Do I want to be naked with him again? No. Do I take it personally? Yes. How can I ever believe him again when he tells me he loves me? I call bulls**t! I am at a loss about what to do because I already went through this...I thought we were past it. I don't want a divorce because it would KILL our children. But I don't want to see his face either.” -Elaine

What To Take Away

If you’re thinking, my husband is addicted to porn, you probably feel really alone. You’re not.

You may not know of any other women in your shoes, but there are millions of them.

Many, many husbands are addicted to porn. And most look at it regularly, even if they aren’t truly addicted.

Please take away these important facts –

Most men who look at porn are addicted, but they also don’t know it.
Addiction is any behavior that’s compulsive, dependent upon (remember the guy who masturbates before bed), and unable to stay stopped. And that describes porn for most men.
If your husband denies that he’s addicted to porn, he’s probably wrong.
Review the 5 stages to stopping a porn addiction in the second section above. How many have you and your husband done?
Porn is a problem, even if it’s only a problem to you.

Your husband may be addicted to porn now, but he doesn’t have to stay addicted. The first step is to stop accepting his denials that it’s not a problem.

Is your husband addicted to porn? Please share your story with other readers in the comment section below.