How Come My Husband Stares At Every Woman?

husband-stares-at-every-woman-he-sees

6 Min Read

Contents

Do All Men Stare At Women?
Why Your Husband Stares
Am I Not Attractive To Him?
Why Some Men Don’t Stare
What To Take Away

Men staring at every woman – hasn’t this been happening since the beginning of time?

Probably.

But I believe it’s gotten a lot worse. I know I hear female partners complain about it much more now than I did to 15 years ago.

Sometimes, “My husband stares at every woman,” is said in frustration or anger.

At other times, it’s said with an attitude of exasperation and hopelessness.

“Yea, my husband stares at every woman. What am I gonna do? I’ve tried everything to get him to stop.”

This is a tricky behavior to change. Here are a couple of factors why –

You can’t make him change. He has to make himself change
Most of the time, men don’t want to change this behavior
It’s a hard behavior to definitively identify
It’s a behavior that has the powerful effect of a drug

It’s a learned behavior, however, so managing it is possible.

Do All Men Stare At Women?

No, not all men stare.

But most of the time, most men notice.

Yet there’s a big difference between noticing there are girls in bikinis sitting behind you at the beach and turning your head to stare at them.

Or, repeatedly “glancing” in their direction.

Or, going back to the car for something you “forgot” so you can walk past them (and look some more).

Or, turning your beach chair around so you’re facing your wife to talk to her, but also with the intent of looking over your wife’s shoulder so you can see the girls.

I’m describing a real instance that a patient told me about. Here’s the beginning of the dialogue he had with his wife when they took their kids to the beach a couple of weeks ago.

Wife: “Did you get a good look?”

Husband: “What are you talking about?”

Wife: “You were checking out those teenage girls over there.”

Husband: “What girls?”

Wife: “The half-naked ones behind us.”

Husband: “I wasn’t looking at them.”

Wife: “Yes, you were! You were staring at them!!!”

Ever had a similar kind of exchange with your partner?

A lot of couples have. And for some (like this couple) it happens regularly.

However, not every couple on the beach that day had this conflict. How come?

How come some husbands stare at every woman and some don’t?

I’ll explain the reasons in a moment. But I’ll tell you right now it’s not because they don’t see other women.

We all see them (me too).

Why Your Husband Stares

The short and quick answer is because it’s enjoyable and he’s reinforced the behavior, so his brain wants to repeat it.

It’s really the same answer for any addictive behavior, whether it’s alcohol abuse, drug use, gaming, gambling, or a very similar one, watching porn.

Men are naturally wired to notice women and find them appealing. If we didn’t most of us guys wouldn’t get around to choosing a partner and procreate, and ultimately the human species would die out.

It’s actually a good thing.

So, if you’re a woman reading this and complain that your husband stares at every woman, you’ve got to remember that at the core of this behavior is a good thing because it’s partly how he ended up choosing to be with you.

The problem with this behavior is that it often doesn’t change once a guy gets into a committed relationship.

This natural behavior needs to be managed and controlled when he has a partner he loves.

Part of the way we show we love her is by stopping behaviors that are disrespectful and unloving.

Unfortunately, many guys don’t realize this or do anything about it.

They still act like they’re in a fraternity drooling over the girls in the sorority house next door.

I married a nice lady two years ago, and soon as I married her, I found myself back staring at other ladies. Mostly blondes. I have tried to stop staring at church, concerts, stores, dr offices but I hoof on one and can't let go. My wife is leaving me she is so upset with my conduct in public places. One lady and I started a too close relationship at church, we hug each other, held each other, and I went out of my way to stare at her. She is married. My wife would cry and beg me to stop. She quit church with everyone talking about us. I even ask a 21 yr old to sit with us at the concert. I refuse to stop staring at her and beg her to come down to sit with us. She refused. My wife left out of the concert upset. I can't stop staring at these ladies butts and faces. I been doing it for years before I met my wife.” -Dino

Dino may sound like an extreme example, but he’s not. His description of his looking behavior at the beginning describes a lot of guys.

There’s one difference, however – most guys who struggling with staring at women aren’t looking for the physical contact like Dino.

Our society doesn’t help us with this behavior either. Sex is everywhere.

Advertisements use attractive images of women to get us to click and buy
Social media feeds us images every day (many we never asked for)
It’s nearly impossible to find a movie or show without any kind of sex in it
Video games are overtly sexualized

The list goes on and on and on.

Visual reinforcement is everywhere and constant.

I’m not making excuses. But it’s hard to be a guy and not let your eyes wander. Yet with the right tools and plan of attack this urge can be managed.

I’ve been noticing my husband flirt with complete strangers while out with me and our son. He stares until the woman he’s staring at makes eye contact and then he smiles at them. When I tell him what I saw he immediately snaps at me by going off and accuses me of not seeing what I saw. He calls me insecure and says I don’t trust him. We can’t talk about it because he denies doing what I saw him do.”-Tamera

Most guys are just looking to look, and to get the pleasure chemicals that comes along with it. However, there are guys like Dino earlier and Tamera’s husband who want more.

The behavior of staring at every woman can morph into getting affirmation from them too. This can come in the form of –

Eye contact
Smile
Conversation
Hug

When this is happening there are deeper psychological issues at play than just getting the high of visual stimulation.

Am I Not Attractive To Him?

Here’s a really important secret – your husband staring at another woman is not about you, or your attractiveness.

It’s about his inability (or unwillingness) to manage what he looks at.
He enjoys looking.
It feels good to look.

It’s probably also driven by a couple of other factors that can vary from man to man.

But he doesn’t do it because of something about you.

7 yrs ago my husband suddenly changed. He started staring down young girls in front of me like he was undressing them.” -Kate

I doubt Kate’s husband “suddenly changed.” Her description suggests that he’d gone his whole life not noticing attractive girls and then one day he does. I don’t believe that’s true. At least not at 40-years-old. That happens around 12.

Has his looking become more pronounced and obvious? Possibly.
Is he now looking more frequently? Maybe.
Did she start to notice it more? Likely.

Does Kate still look like she did when she was 20?

I doubt it. None of us do.

Is she worried that because she doesn’t look 20 anymore her husband is looking at girls who are 20?

Yep.

But I’m sure her husband has noticed attractive 20-year-olds his whole life.

Remember, it’s about him, not you.

The solution to your husband not staring at every younger woman is his learning how to control his behavior.

Maybe there’s also something you can do to improve your appearance. If so, and it’s not Botox or surgery, I’d encourage you to consider it. Not because it will stop his staring at other women, but because we should all care about how we look for our partner.

Why Some Men Don’t Stare

There are several reasons why some men don’t stare. Here are the most common –

Visual sexual stimulation is less impactful on them
Age has lessened their sexual interest
They’ve done less looking at other women so they have less behavior reinforcement
They’ve learned to manage the desire to look

The biggest reason is the last one. And when you struggle at looking, the last one is your only option to change your behavior.

What To Take Away

A husband who stares at every woman usually has big problems in his marriage. Those problems may not get talked about, but they’re there (I know. I treat them every day.). So, if you’re struggling with this behavior in yours, please know the following –

Not all husbands stare at every woman, but most men notice the attractive women around them.
Noticing attractive women is normal, but this natural behavior also needs to be managed and controlled.
It’s not you, it’s him. It’s not you lacking in some way, it’s his lacking self-control and a plan.
Staring at every woman is a learned behavior that can be changed.

If your husband stares at other women then he needs tools and a plan to follow in order to stop. You should expect him to get one and follow it. Feeling respected and loved will follow.

Got a husband who stares at every woman? Please tell other readers what that feels like.