How To Understand An Emotionally Unavailable Husband

husband-who-is-emotionally-unavailable

7 Min Read

Contents

What An Emotionally Unavailable Husband Looks Like
Are All Husbands Emotionally Unavailable?
Can Emotionally Detached Husbands Change?
Takeaways About Emotionally Unavailable Men

Women have feelings, men don’t. Right?

Which means the term “emotionally unavailable husband” must describe all men. Right?

No and no.

There’s no question that most men struggle with feelings. Whether it’s –

Recognizing them
Expressing them
Talking about them

And their struggle becomes a challenge for nearly all their female partners.

While most men struggle to some degree with feelings, there are some husbands who truly are emotionally unavailable, and that’s an even bigger issue.

Why?

Because feelings are one of the building blocks for intimacy (and I don’t just mean sexual).

Without knowing their husband’s feelings, wives struggle to feel connected to them.

And when they don’t feel connected, that usually means –

No sex
Lack of interest in him
Looking elsewhere for connection (phone, social media, even affairs).

But there’s a difference between being a ‘typical guy’ who just isn’t that emotionally aware, and a husband who’s emotionally unavailable.

What An Emotionally Unavailable Husband Looks Like

Ron’s a pretty typical guy. He works hard at his sales job, likes trail runs, and gets together occasionally with his buddies.

He also handles some of the care for his 4-year-old son, even though his wife, Kari, is a stay-at-home mom.

How else is Ron pretty typical?

He’s reserved and shows little to no emotion. In fact, according to Kari, his facial expression rarely changes.

Kari describes him as,

“Emotionless”
“Stone faced”
“Without any feelings for me.”

But Ron does have emotions.

I know, because I’ve seen them.

In our counseling sessions when Kari hasn’t been present, he’s pounded his fist on the sofa in frustration about their conflicts, and cried when discussing possibly divorcing and not seeing his son every day as a result.

Is Ron an emotionally unavailable husband?

Sort of. He certainly is to Kari.

Casey is another guy I’m counseling. Casey is Ron multiplied 10x.

Even I describe Casey as “emotionless” and “stone faced.” It’s like pulling teeth for me to get even a general description of what he feels, and there’s no visible emotion on his face or in his body language.

His wife says she never knows what he’s feeling.

So, what’s the difference between Ron and Casey?

Like most guys, if you ask Ron or Casey how they feel they can’t tell you. However, Ron will say, “I don’t know,” while Casey will say "I don’t understand what you’re asking me.”

Another difference is that Ron’s behavior shows emotion once in a while, while Casey’s behavior doesn’t.

Both are typical guys as far as emotions go. Their lack of emotional awareness, combined with introverted personalities, make them appear emotionally unavailable.

Ron’s behavior, however, is more a result of his unhealthy marriage to Kari. He’s withdrawn and guarded partially so to avoid conflict with her. Emotionally detached would actually better describe him.

Casey on the other hand is truly an emotionally unavailable man.

Need more?

The husband below freely admits he’s not available emotionally to his wife:

I am continuously been disillusioned by my marriage to someone I think I actually didn't want in the first place. She got pregnant to me during an affair because she wanted it badly to pin me down, eventually we settled down as husband and wife. To be frank, she is an extremely stubborn person that does exactly opposite of what I approve of, and whole lot of other things that is happening. As it is now, I am totally disconnected from her emotionally, spiritually, physically and otherwise. It makes me feel that marriage is a miserable thing, and she wouldn't want to see me leave her yet is making the union hellish for me. I don't know what to do, at this time I feel strongly about divorce as I consider my little kids (A girl and boy). I am confused as much as the union is so miserable to me.” -Phil

What Ron and Phil both show is that not only can men be emotionally unavailable going into a relationship, but the unavailability can also increase as a response to being in a marriage that has problems.

Are All Husbands Emotionally Unavailable?

No, certainly not.

Most extroverted men (unlike Ron and Casey) are going to express a variety of emotions. Now, whether they’re able and willing to recognize and talk about them with their spouse is another matter.

What the majority of men are lacking is emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to be aware of one’s emotions, understand, manage, and communicate them, and handle them in a healthy way within relationships.

Does that sound like something most men do well?

I would say, no (and I’d include old me in that list).

I’ve found as I counsel men that most aren’t aware of how they feel unless it’s an extreme emotion with an outwardly visible identifier. Such as –

Being angry and wanting to punch a hole in wall (or actually doing it).
Watching his kids excitedly opening Christmas presents he bought them and feeling aware that he’s happy.

Most men are unaware the emotions in between these extremes. Even extremes like the above often require a conscious prompt (someone asking), in addition to an outward sign (circumstances), for awareness to occur.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman, who developed the term emotional intelligence, identified 5 key elements for EQ:

Self-awareness
Self-regulation
Motivation
Empathy
Social skills

The biggest one for most men is the first one - self-awareness. Without that one the rest aren’t possible.

Thank you for this website and the great article. Me and my husband just separated again and I thought it was going to work this time but he couldn't understand that he wasn't connected to himself and I felt so alone and also that him looking at woman was a problem. I stayed so long because actually I was used to that kind of emotionally unavailable relationship. All that to say, when we separated I discovered your website and it helped me understanding I wasn't crazy because I was so confused and lost and guilty. He didn't want to go see a therapist when I asked him. I could cry in front of him saying I was feeling alone in the marriage and that I couldn't feel him and he didn't do anything about it. He would just say ‘I don’t know...’ ‘I don't feel my heart like you...’ or ‘I don't know my values and stuff.’ I was so angry... it's been so hard. I’d like to learn what I can do to make sure I stop my circle of unavailable partners.” -Lena

It's good that Lena recognizes there’s something within her that makes her attracted to men who aren’t emotionally available. Now she needs to figure out what it is and how to change it.

Can Emotionally Detached Husbands Change?

Yes, absolutely emotionally distant husbands can change.

None of us are born with emotional intelligence - it’s a learned set of skills.

I’ve had to learn these skills myself too. And I still have to work at them every day.

In fact, one of the biggest things the men I counsel leave with is improved emotional awareness and management skills. Regardless of what problem brought them to Guy Stuff, improved emotional intelligence is a part of the solution.

If the guys I’ve already talked about (Ron, Casey, Phil, and Lena’s husband) want to have happier relationships, then they each need to learn how to become more emotionally available.

The most important question isn’t can men change emotionally – it’s will they change?

Do they have the motivation to change something they’re likely not comfortable with (feelings) and may not see as a problem?

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now. Initially few months were bliss. He was very romantic, loving and physically quite attracted to me. Last one year that physical intimacy is gone. We hardly had sex for 5 to 6 times in this 2 years. There is hardly any intimacy and neither any cravings from his side. I have talked about it, discussed our physical incompatibility a few times but it always has resulted in fights and arguments. He claims he is too busy with life, his goals and work and have no time for those emotions for now. I know he loves me and there is no other women but I can't make him understand my frustration. He behaves like I am his friend or brother and that is all well but there is no romantic side in the marriage. If I say that I am unhappy he says go find someone who might satisfy me and that's it. He is happy just being in a friendly relationship with me.” -Uma

Uma’s husband doesn’t sound interested in dealing with emotions right now – hers or his. The puzzle is how to get him interested (and there are ways).

Unfortunately, sex isn’t one of them.

Uma’s making a common mistake by using sexual intimacy to measure emotional intimacy. They’re two different things.

Even though sex gives us positive feelings, those feelings aren’t the same as the ones that create emotional intimacy.

Most women like sex but crave emotional intimacy.

Most guys on the other hand crave sex and don’t see their need for emotional intimacy or how beneficial it is for them.

It’s like a favorite food – we don’t know how much we’ll love it before we’ve ever had it.

Takeaways About Emotionally Unavailable Men

Nearly all men are like Uma’s husband and don’t understand or value the importance of emotions.

They’re not emotionally unavailable, they just lack emotional intelligence and the understanding of its importance.

There are other husbands who truly are emotionally unavailable. While helping these men can be more challenging, they can change too.

Emotionally unavailable husbands don’t lack feelings, they just lack access to them.

Once you show them how and why to unlock the vault, almost all of them do it. And then they realize what they’ve been missing – just like, “I didn’t know I’d like avocados so much.”

Do you know a husband who’s emotionally unavailable? Please share with other readers what his behavior looks like and how it impacts you.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published May 19, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.