It may come as a surprise to hear that quite a few wives are asking the question, “Is my husband gay?” Researchers have found that Google search queries show this to be the most common question women ask about their man.
So why in the world would married women be asking if their husbands are gay?
We’ve all heard of men ‘coming out of the closet’ as the saying goes to disclose their previously secret sexual orientation. But how many men are there really who are pretending to be heterosexual and married to a woman?
That number really is unknown, although some people attempt to make some kind of 'so called' educated guess. Regardless of the answer, in reality there are a whole lot more women asking the question “is my husband gay?” than there are husbands who truly are gay.
Why Do Wives Ask Is My Husband Gay?
Why are wives asking if their husbands are gay? The answer is simple actually. They're searching for understanding. They want an explanation for why their husband behaves the way he does. His being gay is one explanation that would make sense to them in explaining his behavior that they don't understand. Here's an example of such a wife:
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have 2 kids together. He has a very hard time showing me any kind of affection and doesn’t’ believe in romance. If I tell him I want romance, he tells me I married the wrong guy. When we first started dating, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. Once we were married, I basically had to make appointments to have sex. I know exactly when our two children were conceived because I had to. If I tell him I want sex, he makes excuses or gets drunk and passes out. The only time we have sex, and I mean the only times is when I initiate it. I have come a long way in doing so, but I feel that he doesn’t try at all. I am 31 and he is 37. When we are around people, he will talk sexually and act as if I don’t “give it” to him, but it’s not the case. He is all talk. One time, I was naked in a hot tub and he was watching TV. Didn’t even notice what I was doing until I said something and once I did, he said, sorry the race is on. Is my husband gay? He says he loves me and doesn’t know how to show me. I give him examples, when he does something I like or that is sweet, I will tell him that is what I mean. I praise him for it. I let him go out with his friends, I leave little love notes for him places, I try talking with him, I try threatening him, I have tried to take up golf (which I hate) just so I can spend some time with him. Nothing is working. I am on the verge of leaving. But I don’t know if I am overreacting or what. I feel I deserve the attention and affection I want and need. I get hit on all the time, I recently have been contacted by an ex of mine and he tells me everything I want to hear. I find myself looking for someone else to give me what my husband won’t. And I mean, won’t. I have written letters, cried, talked to him, spelled it out for him, bought sexy lingerie, I hug him, kiss him, basically throw myself at him. Still nothing, treats me as a friend. We plan sex nights (our kids are 1 and 3), if I want it I have to plan it, he either falls asleep or makes excuses. What do I do?" -Juliette
Juliette's husband sounds pretty much like a typical guy in the beginning, right? Not that into romance, couldn't keep his hands off of her when they were dating describes a lot of men, but now that he doesn't want sex no matter what she does she's really confused.
Her asking “is my husband gay?” is what a lot of women do when they just don't understand their husband's behavior. His being gay is a way to figure out and understand it. This question and suggested answer most often comes up as a way to explain changes in sexual behavior. Here are a couple of examples:
- He won't have sex with you (so he must be gay).
- You've discovered that he watches gay porn (helps you comprehend how your heterosexual husband would watch gay men).
- You feel that he doesn't love you (if he doesn't love you, a woman, and he used to, then he must be attracted to men).
I have been married 30+ years. I have stumbled upon hidden porn magazines and dvds over the years. I always freak out and though he never apologizes or acknowledges any guilt he says it will be the last time. The porn in the past has always been women, this time there were both women and gay men porn. He says no big deal, I say I am leaving if he doesn't enroll in addiction counceling. My question - I don't want to stay married to a gay man, he swears this he's, but do straight men look at gay porn?" -Dawn
Why Do Husband's Act Like They Could Be Gay?
Having counseled many men in these situations I can tell you that there are a lot of other possible reasons for his behavior changes. Here are just a few possible explanations for why your husband appears to be gay:
- Not attracted to you. This could be because of your appearance, weight, self-care, etc. Many times it's not any of these at all, but it's your behavior that turns him off. Yes, men will turn down sex even if you're still physically attractive because you mistreat him, emasculate him by saying he's not a real man, humiliate or demean him, or give him the silent treatment.
- Watching porn and it's negatively affected him (and most of the time he doesn’t realize it). Porn changes sexual interests and desires (could be one of the reasons why he's looking at gay porn). Porn may be meeting all of his sexual needs and he doesn't need to have sex with you. He may not be able to get aroused or orgasm without porn, and so he avoids being intimate with you (Yes, porn induced erectile dysfunction is a real problem).
- Distracted with work, gaming online that's become an addiction, abusing alcohol or some other drug, or possibly cheating.
- Relationships change. It's not fair to compare any of us to how we were at the beginning of the relationship. The excitement and attraction to somebody new naturally lessens and changes over time and that doesn't have to mean there's a deeper problem.
Here's another reason:
I am a Christian, and have been married 7 years. Over the past 5 years, I have found proof that my husband viewed naked gay photos online. He told me that he's not attracted to men. Rather, he is jealous of their perfect bodies, and feels insecure about his overweight body. Other kids made fun of him for being overweight as a teen. I am highly suspicious and skeptical of his answer. Do you think his answer is even remotely feasible or is my husband gay?" -Juanita
Yes, I think this could be a reason for her husband's behavior, but I'm sure it's not the only reason he looks at porn.
What To Do If You Suspect Your Husband's Gay
Most likely your husband is not gay. Dealing with the real reason for his behavior will prove this true. An example of this is a guy I'm counseling. Rob's wife has repeatedly accused him of being gay because he won't have sex with her. By learning what causes him to distance himself from her and taking a different approach to that problem it's possible for things to change. Rob and his wife found this out when she was willing to stop “peppering me with questions” and they were able to communicate for the first time in their marriage in a more effective way. He says he felt heard and as a result felt closer to her. The sex she craves then naturally followed.
If you're wondering “is my husband gay?” please understand that asking a heterosexual man if he is gay can be very threatening to his masculinity. One of Rob's biggest struggles was getting past being offended that his wife would even think this about him. There are much better ways to approach anyone than with an accusation. Focus on the problem, for Rob's wife it was no sex, and ask in different ways why it's occurring. If you can't make any progress then seek out the help of a professional counselor like Rob did.
Most wives who are asking themselves “is my husband gay?” have nothing to fear. As Rob's wife found out, by taking a different approach and digging deeper, most often a different explanation is revealed.
Looking for More? Check Out These Articles
- How You Can Make Him Want You
- If Men Could Have Sex All The Time Would They Want To?
- Your Husband Wants A Divorce - What Do You Do Now?
- Get More Help Understanding Men