4 Min Read
It isn’t uncommon at all for couples to fall out of sync when it comes to their sex lives, but that doesn’t make it any less of an issue. Especially for the wife who’s feeling rejected and telling me in counseling, “My husband has no interest in having sex with me.”
There are many ups and downs in the life of a marriage. Every week I work with couples dealing with a wide variety of problems, but one of the most challenging and personal areas in a relationship are those involving sexual issues.
And when a husband no longer has any interest in having sex with his wife, that’s definitely a problem.
Below is a question I received from Renee, a wife who’s living in a marriage with no sex because her husband has lost interest. My advice to her follows.
My husband has no interest in sex with me. I've been married to this good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had E.D. on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex with me! I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest?" -Renee B.
Renee is in a difficult, but fairly common situation.
Sexless marriages happen more often than most people realize, and this circumstance can cause big problems for couples. Particularly when one partner has a strong sex drive and isn’t feeling satisfied.
Below is the advice I gave her.
I can't say at this point exactly why your husband has no interest in sex or won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.
However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his having no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about it.
A lot of men refuse to go to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands.
I hear you surrendering power in the statement "He won't make the appointment."
I'm glad to hear that at least you're working with a counselor on your own. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.
Here's what I suggest you do:
- Tell him you're going to marriage counseling, with or without him, but you'd like him to come with you.
- Give him the option to have input on choosing the counselor and meeting time. Give him 24 hours to give you his feedback.
- If he gives you none, then go ahead and choose the counselor and make the appointment.
- Let him know what day and time the meeting is scheduled for and the location. Tell him he can meet you there.
- Don't say anything else about it and go to the meeting.
I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went and what was said.
There are ways to discover why your husband has no interest in sex. Stop feeling trapped and get some help so you can learn how to change your sexless marriage.
Can A Marriage Last Without Sex?
How a marriage functions and whether it can still be healthy without sex is a more complicated question than it may seem. There are many variables to consider.
- Is the relationship happy overall?
- Are both partners satisfied with amount of sex in the relationship?
- Has the lack of sex in the relationship affected the emotional intimacy?
These are just a few considerations.
Generally speaking, a marriage without sex isn’t going to be as healthy or satisfying as those where sex occurs on a regular basis. However, this can vary from couple to couple and isn’t a necessity for happiness for all couples.
If both partners find themselves disinterested in maintaining a sexual connection, and they satisfy each other in other important ways, the relationship can still work well. But most often what occurs is an imbalance between their sexual desires, leaving one partner feeling frustrated, much like Renee in the question above.
Marriages with sexual dissatisfaction have a harder time in the long run. Sex in a relationship is about more than just achieving an orgasm, it helps bring us closer and builds an intimate connection that keeps the love strong. When that goes away, staying connected and keeping things healthy can become more challenging.
What To Take Away
If your husband seems to have lost interest in sex with you, keep in mind:
- There can be a variety of reasons for his lack of interest, including porn viewing and erectile dysfunction.
- A lack of sexual interest can also be an indication of larger problems in the relationship.
- Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are connected.
- Although some marriages can survive happily without sex, many don’t.
If you find yourself in a situation like Renee’s and you too are saying, "My husband has no interest in having sex with me," then I encourage you to work at changing things.
Initiating change could be,
- As simple as starting a conversation and opening up the lines of communication on the topic.
- It may involve counseling as her situation did.
Whatever the case, both partners need to feel that all their needs are being met in order for the relationship to survive and thrive. Clearly, when a wife is upset and seeking counseling because her husband is no longer interested in having sex with her, mutual satisfaction and happiness isn’t the state of things.
And that should never be ignored.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 17, 2012 updated January 2, 2019 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Looking for More? Check Out These Articles
- I Have A Problem Enjoying Sex With Him - Is That A Sexual Issue?
- I Have No Sexual Interest Or Desire For My Fiancée
- I Thought My Relationship Was Great, But I'm Feeling Alone
- Get More Help with Sexual Problems