4 Reasons Why Guys Get Mad When You Say No (to Sex)

she-says-no-to-sex-and-guy-gets-mad

6 Min Read

Contents

Why Sex So Important To Men
Why Do Guys Get Mad About Sex?
What Guys Say About Why They Get Mad When You Say No
What To Take Away

Everything is going great between you and him. And you start to get a little affectionate with one another. You don’t want to go any further though, and you tell him so. Then the angry bear comes out and a fight ensues. Afterward, you walk away asking yourself – Why do guys get mad when you say no?

I think a better question to ask is – Why is sex so important to men?

Maybe it isn’t anger you get in response. Perhaps your guy sulks or withdraws. But for a lot of women there’s negative response from their guy when they say no to sex.

What do couples fight about the most?

The big 3 are –

Sex
Money
Kids

And the #1 for a lot of couples is sex.

There’s a very good reason why it’s a stereotype that women don’t want sex, because they don’t. Never has my wife of 22 years initiated, but I’m ALWAYS the one to give a compliment, do extra chores, ask how her day was. As soon as we had kids 20 years ago she figured she’s done, and this is what I hear from many other guys. It’s always the husband’s fault they have to work harder, wife has no blame for the lack of sex, ever.” -Ryan

Doesn’t Ryan sound just a little mad that his wife says no to sex?

Why Sex So Important To Men

A lot of guys tell me they have a “high sex drive.” In fact, a guy the other day said he’s “unusual” and has a “hyper” drive for sex.

This guy is having sex with his wife at least twice a week and says he still feels “rejected” by her. So, when she says no, he gets mad.

Another woman I talked to this week has sex with her husband as many as 4 times a week and it’s still not enough.

I’ve even worked with couples having sex 1-2 times a day and the guy is still not happy (I’ve had times where’s it’s been her that hasn’t been satisfied too).

Most guys aren’t happy with their sex lives. And their partners usually aren’t either.

What gives?

Why is it so hard for couples to find sexual satisfaction?

Nobody is going to be surprised to hear that sex is important to men. But why?

Some of it is really basic. Guys are wired to want to have sex. It’s a keeping the species alive thing.

Obviously, it’s a lot more complicated than that though.

Here are 4 key reasons why sex is important to men –

Desire
Expectations
Dependence
Validation

I have come to the realization that some women just don't understand HOW IMPORTANT intimacy is for men. Most men don't get married just for sex, but we sure as heck don't get married to not have sex and intimacy. Men wanting intimacy with their wife's is the ultimate show of loyalty, desire, and affirmation they can have for their wife’s and it just plain hurts when a wife doesn't realize that, or discounts it, or makes her husband (which has taken a vow to her) jump through hoops for her to be intimate. In my eyes it is the ultimate betrayal.” -David

David feels betrayed when his wife says no.

Why Do Guys Get Mad About Sex?

Let’s take the list above and use it to understand why your guy gets mad when you say no.

1. Desire

The majority of guys desire sex. Nothing new here.

What a lot of women don’t get is that men think about sex a lot. They also are often unaware of how much men get sex thrown at them. It’s everywhere. But if you’re not a man and not paying attention it’s easy to overlook this bombardment.

Having sexual images and messages sent at you all the time further feeds an already existing desire for it.

2. Expectations

Men have expectations about sex. Frequently, a lot of them. And sadly, most of them go unspoken until they pop out when he gets mad about sex.

I have guys tell me all the time some version of this –

We haven’t had sex in a while, so I was hoping we could last weekend. I planned the weekend to give us the opportunity. Why else would I have taken her to such an expensive restaurant? I was looking forward to it all week. And, man, I had a rough week too! We get home from dinner and I open a bottle of wine and she tells me she’s tired and just wants to go to sleep. I lost it!”

Why does your guy get mad when you say no to sex?

Because he’s been thinking about it, planning for it, and anticipating it. Sex is not spontaneous for most men – it’s planned and expected.

And when this is a common pattern, as a lot of guys tell me, then the angry response isn’t just about the disappointment at that moment, it’s also all of the prior disappointments too.

3. Dependence

Sex is one of the most misused areas in a relationship.

One of the ways it’s misused by men is as a stress reliever. Yes, sex makes you more relaxed and the chemicals released make you feel good. But its purpose is not to relieve stress. There are other, better ways to manage stress.

But, unfortunately, a lot of men rely on sex to relieve their stress. So, they come to depend on it. And they depend upon it for other reasons too.

This is one of the reasons why porn addiction is so common.

And why your guy gets so mad when you say no.

4. Validation

We all want to feel wanted. Sex is one of the most powerful ways this desire is conveyed between two people.

Validation is an important need for men. This is one of the reasons why job and financial success is so important to most men. While for women validation can occur in other forms.

It’s amazing how messed up your mind gets when you are a red blooded male and have a dead bedroom for months/years on end...starts playing games with your head. What am I doing wrong...am I just not attractive anymore...maybe its me...confidence goes downhill fast…Maybe the author could create a complimentary article...a ‘woman's version’ explaining how messed up it is to never initiate and/or live in a dead bedroom. How it kills your husband’s confidence, makes him much more likely to cheat. Good husbands deserve so much better.” -John Doe

Guys can get mad when you say no because many of them connect their self-identity and value to being desired sexually. This is an incorrect belief, but it’s common none the less.

What Guys Say About Why They Get Mad When You Say No

Here a few more comments from guys on our article, How Come My Wife Never Initiates Sex? –

Men in this situation are frustrated, feel unwanted and may feel like they are just there to pay the bills. At least that is how I feel. My wife is so wrapped up in our kid’s lives who are now in college that she has zero time for our relationship.” -Scott

I'm frustrated, depressed and tired of feeling that it is on me all the time. Perfect recipe for an affair! Either way, I'll feel like scum.” -Anonymous

For years I thought my wife has never found me attractive.” -Frustrated

‘Try putting yourself in her shoes’ is echoed all across articles such as this, yet no one recommends the wife to put herself in the husband's shoes.” -Frustrated

I am not sure why women cannot/will not understand that men want to feel desired and wanted. The frustrating part for men is that it is so simple to address, and when it's not addressed it speaks volumes to a man about how his wife sees him as a man. It says you are not sexually desireable. Not a good feeling. Every now and then kiss your man, embrace him, tell him you want him now, and mean it. So simple.” -Mike

Notice a theme?

What To Take Away

Finger pointing and blaming your partner is one of the biggest problems in relationships. And one of the most common areas where this happens is sex, especially when a woman says no to a guy and he gets mad.

But getting things to change requires a different approach. One that’s looking for solutions, not to blame.

Here’s an example –

I'm a woman who was considered ‘high drive’ in previous relationships. My current male partner wants sex at least once per day, and gets upset with me because I don't initiate enough. I explained that I don't have the space to let my desire build up to push me towards initiation. I'd have sex about 4 times a week if it were up to me. He continues to initiate sex almost daily even after these discussions, he sulks if I turn him down (which has only happened twice in the past 6 months), and we end up repeating the same conversation. How can we bridge this gap? I'm legitimately willing to meet him halfway, but it seems like all or nothing.” -Sally

Sally’s asking a great question – “How can we bridge the gap?”

One answer I have to this question is – look in the mirror.

Look in the mirror and ask yourself –

What could I do differently?
What’s my part in our sex life being unsatisfactory?
How could I influence my partner in being more interested in meeting me half way?

Why do guys get mad when you say no? Hopefully, you’ve now got a better idea of the answer. While every guy is different, there are many commonalities too.

Does your guy get mad when you say no? Please share with other readers what that’s like in a comment below and you’ll probably start a conversation.