"Husband Not Interested" Wife Tells Marriage Counselor


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    Part 1 of 2

    Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy and satisfying marriage. Unfortunately, after years together, kids, and the physical changes that come with age, some husbands find themselves not interested in having sex with their wives.

    When one partner loses sexual interest in the other it opens the relationship up to a number of problems. The loss of connection on a physical level can quickly lead to a loss of connection on an emotional level as well.


    If a couple in this situation isn’t proactive about fixing things, they can find themselves facing issues that feel almost insurmountable.

    Below is a question sent to us by a reader whose husband is no longer attracted to her and has lost interest in her sexually. Take a look at Mileena’s question and my response that follows.

    Why A Husband May Not Be Interested In His Wife

    Reader Question:

    After 6 years of marriage and breastfeeding 2 kids, my breasts don't look like before, and now my husband is not interested in me. My husband asked me to do plastic surgery. I couldn't do it. I was thinking about my kids and the long-term effect on my body. The thing is now I hate my body, but I don't want to do plastic surgery. Now my husband not interested in sleeping with me. I think my husband doesn't find me sexy". -Mileena

    My Answer:

    You're probably right when you say "my husband doesn't find me sexy" and that's why you've got a husband not interested. However, the reason he’s not interested is probably more complicated than you realize.


    Most likely you've got a husband not interested in you for 2 reasons:

    1. Changes in your body. Men have told me, and have commented on this blog, that they do struggle with being sexually attracted to their wives, especially after they’ve had children. Childbirth not only alters a woman’s body, but it also gives a man a different perspective on what a woman’s body is for, and that can be intimidating. And, unfortunately, having children and aging can lead to weight gain (for both women and men), which can create a loss of attractions as well.
    2. Porn. The second reason your husband may not be interested is a big one for a lot of wives and husbands and that’s porn. Porn use can cause big problems in a relationship and can be very complicated. For that reason we'll discuss it in greater depth in our next post -- My Husband Watches Porn.

    What To Do To Bring Sexual Interest Back

    Dissatisfaction with sex is common in long-term relationships. The reasons are many and differ for each couple.

    The most common reasons for loss of interest, however, are changes to a partner’s body, work and family stress, the influence of porn, and boredom. It’s important to remember as well that it’s not just husbands who lose interest sexually. It’s more often wives who find themselves not interested, and for similar reasons.

    What can you do if the sexual chemistry has left the relationship? Do you have to just accept this as the new normal? Should you have an affair?No and no.


    What you really need to do is look for ways to bring the sexual chemistry and interest back. There are a few things you can start doing now that can help this happen.

    • Fake it ‘til you make it. Here’s the thing about sexual interest – the more you make an effort the more it will grow. If you’re not feeling immediately attracted to your partner, try going through some of the motions that have worked in the past - kiss, touch, get physically close. Often just these small moves can restart some level of sexual desire.
    • Create romance. Remember when you first met and there was all the excitement of a new romance? Bring that back. Creating a romantic atmosphere and new moments together can help you rekindle that interest in one another.
    • Show appreciation. One thing both men and women often say is that feeling appreciated makes them feel closer to their partner. Emotional connection is very important to sustaining sexual intimacy.
    • Make time to be alone together. It’s easy to forget that your relationship with your partner needs nurturing and one-on-one time. Especially in a case like Mileena’s where young kids are a factor. But you can’t be sexually intimate if you’re never alone, so find a way to spend time together just the two of you, even if it’s just to talk and relax.
    • Make sure you feel good about you. One of the most attractive qualities in any person is self-confidence and confident sexual energy. That can be hard if you’re feeling badly about your body. This isn’t to suggest that body enhancing surgeries are a solution, just that you should make any changes you feel necessary to feel good about yourself and be healthier – healthy, not perfect. Exercise is one obvious way to get or stay healthy, build confidence, and gain energy. Keep in mind that sometimes it's just little changes that make all the difference.

    If you’re finding none of these changes are making a meaningful difference, it might be worth considering couples counseling. Sometimes the loss of interest by a husband, or wife, is due to deeper issues that may be too difficult or uncomfortable to communicate about without professional help.

    This is the first article of two discussing a wife's struggle with her husband's lack of interest. Read more about Mileena in the second article: My Husband Watches Porn. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this article and get other great articles on men, women, and their relationships like this one.

    Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 31, 2012 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.


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