I Had A Baby And Now My Husband Isn't Attracted To Me

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6 Min Read

Contents

What Feeling Unattractive After A Baby Can Feel Like
Husbands Fear Hurting The Baby (& You)
Seeing The Birth Is A Turnoff For Men
It Could Be His Guilt, Not You're Unattractive
How To Handle Your Husband Not Finding You Attractive After Baby
Take Aways If You Think Your Husband's Not Attracted To You After A Baby
Readers Share What They Think

At Guy Stuff we get questions and comments about personal and relationship issues daily. Some questions are more common than others.

A frequent question from women is, “How come my husband doesn’t find me attractive after I’ve had a baby?”

Women asking this question often feel their husband no longer loves them.

They put their question, “How come my husband doesn’t find me attractive after baby?”, in the same category as, “He’s fallen out of love with me,” and worry that he’ll find someone else.

Many of these types of comments are from women who just had babies within the last year or two, and are dealing with postpartum hormones and the stress of being a new parent. Feeling like their partner isn’t attracted to them anymore on top of all that can be extremely painful.

Fortunately, there’s a good chance that’s not what’s happening.

What Feeling Unattractive After A Baby Can Feel Like

Kim is a good example of what a woman with these feelings can look like. Check out her story below and see if you can relate.

Add another one to the ‘husband doesn't find me attractive after baby’ list. We've been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have a little girl who is almost 2. We used to have sex once a week which wasn't as much as I wanted, but enough that I could feel ok. When I got pregnant he lost all interest. Although I didn't get very big and he told me all the time that I was still beautiful, I figured deep down it was just the 'ick' factor. Fast forward to 6 weeks after the baby was born and I got an IUD. I couldn't wait for the weekend! Sadly, I was disappointed -- he still had NO interest. I thought it was because I had 10 lbs to lose post-baby, so I hired a personal trainer and started working hard. At this point I'm 34, in the best shape of my life, and turn men's heads all the time. Sadly my husband still has almost no interest.” –Kim

Having a baby is the most natural thing in the world, but it absolutely changes everything in your life and can take an especially large toll on a couple's sex life.

Comments on our site indicate that most women jump to the conclusion that “my husband doesn’t find me attractive because of my baby weight,” either due to gaining too much while pregnant or weighing too much after the baby.

While body changes during and after a pregnancy are a reality, there are a few other things to consider regarding his interest in sex with you.

Husbands Fear Hurting The Baby (& You)

Kim states that her husband “lost all interest" once she was pregnant, calling it "the 'ick' factor."

In actuality, the problem may have been that he was afraid to have sex with her – not that he didn't find her attractive while she was pregnant.

It’s fairly common for men to fear that sex will somehow hurt the baby, or you, even in the early stages of pregnancy. In the same way many people can’t really use a map to fairly judge distance, some men don’t really realize that it’s physically impossible for them to get close enough to the baby to hurt it.

Add to that the anxiety many men have about the future when their wives are pregnant.

When a man looks at his expectant partner he now sees two people who need him, count on him, and for whom he’s responsible. That can be a heavy dose of reality for many men and can dampen their sexual desire.

So, it’s very likely that Kim’s husband’s disinterest has more to do with his fears and anxiety than it does with his attraction to her.

Seeing The Birth Is A Turnoff For Men

Kim also mentions that at 6 weeks after the baby was born, she was ready for sex again, but her husband wasn't.

If he watched Kim give birth he may have a hard time seeing her body in the same way he did before. It’s no longer a sexual temptation, but rather a mysterious vehicle for creating and delivering another human being.

Yes, birth is miraculous and beautiful, but it’s also a bit gory.

Most men get a bird’s eye view of the birth and see up close the amazing changes their partner's body goes through in delivery. This can be uncomfortable to see, and even harder for men to unsee, especially when you're ready to have sex again.

So, it may not be that your husband doesn’t find you attractive after the baby, but that he hasn't yet come to terms with what he witnessed during the birthing process. Finding a way to see your body in a sexual manner means letting go of the imagery of delivery.

And while breastfeeding is undoubtedly natural and preferable if you’re able, watching this process is another way that a once sexual part of your body now has a new role.

It Could Be His Guilt, Not That You're Unattractive

Most men are used to being in control and being able to help or fix things. When a woman gives birth there’s not a lot for them to do. Consequently, many men feel powerless when their wives are in pain during delivery, or even guilty that they got you pregnant in the first place.

Since sex is how we get pregnant, it’s understandable that some men need extra time before they’re ready for sex again. But rather than tell their partners how they feel and why, some men just avoid it and keep their partners at arm’s length, not realizing their partners are wondering,

Why isn't my husband attracted to me after my pregnancy?”

A lot of men may not even recognize this is how they feel, and if they do, they may feel guilty about saying anything.

The biggest way to avoid these misunderstandings is through good communication.

Unfortunately, many couples feel self-conscious, embarrassed, or just too overwhelmed by being new parents to have these conversations. And when communication breaks down, new problems arise.

Dr. Kurt has seen couples go through this before. When asked if he had any advice he had this to say,

Remember that the problem is his interest in sex, not whether he loves his partner. They're two different issues. Husbands become disinterested for other reasons too. It's not uncommon for men to find ways to deal with not having sex during a pregnancy, such as watching porn and masturbating, and these can play a part in his loss of interest afterward also."

How To Handle Your Husband Not Finding You Attractive After Baby

Before jumping to conclusions about his attraction to you, take a step back and try seeing things from his perspective. Yes, that can seem like a big ask with everything else that you’re trying to juggle, but pregnancy and a new baby had an effect on him too.

So, consider the following tips if you’re feeling like he’s not attracted to you postpartum.

Don't compare your sex life before the baby to now. Sex after a baby can be different for both of you, but different doesn't have to mean bad.
Ask your husband what he thinks about pregnancy and birth. It’s possible he has questions and/or feelings he’s been nervous about broaching. Don't be afraid to also ask him if the baby has affected his attraction to you or interest in sex.
If you're pregnant now, ask your doctor about sex the next time you both go in for a baby check so that the OB/GYN can explain what’s okay and not.

These things can help you ease back into intimacy and sex in a manner that’s comfortable and satisfying to you both.

Takeaways If You Think Your Husband’s Not Attracted To You After A Baby

Feeling like your husband doesn’t find you attractive after the baby is painful. But lack of attraction typically doesn't stay that way, and how you respond to him can play a big part in how long it does.

Remember that,

Your body and all it can do can be both awe inspiring and terrifying. He may be dealing with conflicting feelings and not know how to express them.
Men are notoriously poor communicators when it comes to complicated feelings. Lead the way by asking him questions and opening up about your own concerns.
Let him know you’re interested and ready. He may be waiting for a sign from you that things are a go.

Above all, communicate.

If after a baby he doesn’t seem attracted to you, he may be confused or nervous. So, have patience. A baby is a big change, so you’ll need to find your new normal.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 23, 2016, updated on March 22, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.