“My Wife Is Never In The Mood Anymore” – Unlocking The Mystery Of Vanishing Libido


    7 Min Read


    Where did it go? It was there a few months ago. Or was it years ago? It can be hard to remember when lives are busy. But if you find yourself thinking, “My wife is never in the mood anymore,” you may feel like a detective looking for clues that will help bring it back.

    As successful as they may be, Scooby and the gang can’t help with this one.


    One of the chief complaints for both husbands and wives when it comes to sex is the absence of feeling “in the mood.” You know what I mean – THE mood.

    That’s right, guys. You may think it’s just you that’s bothered when your wife is never in the mood anymore, but it’s not. In most cases, it bothers her, too.

    For most couples, the frequency of sex lessens with time. This happens for many reasons, but many of them get boiled down to one catchall phrase,

    I’m not in the mood.”

    Many men claim this has become their wife’s sexual mantra.


    If you’re one of these men claiming, “My wife is never in the mood anymore,” you’re not alone. But you may be surprised that not only can you be instrumental in changing that, but addressing “the mood” can also bring you closer.

    Where Did It Go? Why She’s Not In The Mood These Days

    Remember when all you had to do was get close to her, and she was all in? Then, over time, maybe you needed to up your game and employ a few new moves.

    Now, it seems like you could perform a scene from Magic Mike, and it wouldn’t do anything to get her in the mood. It might make her laugh, but that’s not the goal in this case.

    What gives?

    There can be several reasons for her inability to get in the mood for intimacy to have gone AWOL.

    Some of the most common potential factors include,

    • Stress. High levels of stress, whether related to work, family, or other life events, can significantly impact a person’s libido, especially a woman’s. Many women have a harder time getting out of their heads and allowing themselves to relax and enjoy the company of their partner.

    • Biological changes. Hormonal imbalances, illnesses, or medication side effects can affect libido. Pregnancy, perimenopause, and menopause can all wreak havoc on a woman’s physical response, making both of you feel like she’s never in the mood anymore.

    • Mental health. Anxiety and depression can also make it difficult to feel in the mood for both men and women.

    • Relationship issues. Problems within the relationship, such as unresolved conflicts, communication issues, or emotional distance, can influence how a woman feels about being intimate. It’s hard to get in the mood when you feel disconnected from your partner.

    • She’s tired. Did she get up at 5 am, make breakfast, take the kids to school, go to work, the grocery store, school pick-up, sports practices, the gym, make dinner, and help with homework? Hmmm… and now she doesn’t feel like getting sexy? Weird, right?

    • Life changes. New job? Money issues? Household projects, aging parents, dealing with your kid’s anxieties and issues, the list can go on (and on). Add this to the stress, mental health, or tired category if you like, but these can all cause sex to fall low on the list of priorities.


    • Body image. She’s not 20 anymore, and she’s probably acutely aware of the changes in her appearance. While many people tout the confidence middle age brings, for a lot of women, feeling sexually desirable and, therefore, sexually confident becomes more difficult.

    Note: Guys, if you’re a porn watcher or like to admire other women, know that you’re probably impacting this category heavily. Making her feel like she’s competing with other women for your admiration and interest can destroy her ability to get in the mood.

    In his practice, “My wife is never in the mood anymore,” is one of the biggest complaints Dr. Kurt hears from men. When he speaks with the wives involved there are some common themes in their explanations.

    One of the most frequent reasons I hear from wives about why they're not in the mood more often is because of the impact of being a mom. It goes something like this, 'I get grabbed, poked, and sucked on all day long, the last thing I want is for my husband to do the same thing.' So, a little more empathy from us guys for what it's like being a mom can really help her to have some interest in sex. However, when we act like another kid for her to have to take care of it's a BIG, BIG turnoff."

    Although it’s essential to understand why your wife seems like she’s never in the mood anymore, it’s also important not to oversimplify things. All of these reasons can be complex and multifaceted.

    Mood Magic – The Dos and Don’t Of Helping Your Wife Feel In The Mood More Often

    Before discussing the “things” you can do, let’s address something many men don’t realize. Most women who have difficulty getting in the mood or feel like they’re never in the mood anymore aren’t happy about it.

    Women like sex.

    In fact – pay attention here gentlemen – all things being equal, there’s not a lot of difference between a man’s desire for sex and a woman’s. But the biology of a woman’s sexual response can be trickier than a man’s.

    Think of it this way: Even under stressful, less-than-ideal circumstances, a man’s ability to be ready to have sex lives closer to the surface than a woman’s. And once sexually ready, a man can find himself in the right mental zone for sex fairly quickly. A woman’s sexual engine can take a little longer to rev, and that mental zone can take longer to reach.

    Can she change those things on her own? Yeah, probably.


    But it can be hard to feel motivated to make the effort, even if she knows the end result will be enjoyable. The path of least resistance is simply to embrace never being in the mood.

    But that’s no fun for anyone and not particularly healthy. Yet it’s extremely common.

    So, while there is no actual magic (not even Mike had it), there are things you can do to help. And there are some things you may be doing that are actually counterproductive.

    Let’s start with the Don’ts.


    • Pressure her

    “Come on, you know you want to,” “Let’s just do it, you know you’ll enjoy it,” or being otherwise insistent doesn’t help at all. At. All.

    • Make her feel guilty

      “Ugh, I can’t believe I’m living in a sexless marriage!” “What’s wrong with you?” “What happened to you?” “You’re NEVER in the mood anymore!”

      Yes, you may be frustrated (in more ways than one), but think about it – when was the last time making someone feel bad resulted in something positive?
    • Talk too much about the way it “used to be”

      While there’s some merit to remembering and reminding each other about fun and carefree times for each of you, too much of that will just shine more of a light on your dissatisfaction.
    • Compare yourselves to other couples

      “Marc says he and Lindy have sex at least once a week,” “Cheryl surprised Nick with sexy lingerie the other night,” “Juan said menopause has made Lola wild in bed!”

      All this will make her do is say, “So what?” (And that Juan’s lying)
    • Neglect romance

      Walking into the kitchen naked and erect while she’s unloading the dishwasher isn’t as sexy as you may think it is. Neither is grabbing her breast while she’s drying her hair, or saying, “Hey, wanna do it?” as she’s falling asleep.


    • Rush the process.

      Take the time for foreplay, build anticipation, and create an atmosphere where both of you feel comfortable and desired.
    • Neglect emotional connection.

      Emotional connection creates a bond that enhances the overall quality of intimacy and boosts the interest in sex for both of you.


    • Communicate

      Engaging in open and honest communication about your desires, needs, and concerns (without strong emotions) will cultivate emotional intimacy and closeness.
    • Express Affection

      Expressing your love and affection verbally will make her feel valued and appreciated outside of sex.
    • Create a relaxing atmosphere

      Pay attention to the environment. Creating a comfortable and relaxing space encourages the right mood.
    • Prioritize emotional connection

      Spending time together by engaging in activities you enjoy strengthens your emotional bond. Feeling emotionally connected is one of the quickest routes to getting your wife in the mood.
    • Show interest in her pleasure

      Sex should be good for both partners, but sometimes, your interest in her pleasure sparks the mood and allows her to relax and get her groove back.
    • Be patient and understanding

      At other times, no matter what you do, it’s just not the right time. So, practice patience and understanding. It’s essential to be supportive rather than pressure her.
    • Surprise gestures

      Surprise gestures and romantic effort can pave the way for her to get in the mood and make her know how much you desire and value her.

    If, despite your best efforts, it still seems like your wife’s never in the mood anymore, it’s time for an open and honest conversation.


    Approach the discussion with empathy and a willingness to listen and understand. Creating a safe and non-judgmental space for her to express her feelings is essential.

    Making these efforts can help her regain her desire to get in the mood more quickly and bring the two of you closer. Nothing is sexier than a man who really cares about his wife and wants to be close to her in all the right ways (particularly the non-sexual ones).

    What To Take Away

    Before you throw your hands up and make blanket statements like, “My wife is NEVER in the mood anymore,” take a step back and consider the larger picture. Try to put yourself in her shoes.

    The mood for intimacy is influenced by many things. Remember,

    • She probably doesn’t want to feel ambivalent about sex any more than you do.

    • Getting “in the mood” for women can be more complicated than for men (general statement).

    • Maintain situational awareness and sensitivity. If your wife isn’t in the mood after a 14-hour day and repeated calls for water or nightmare soothing from your kids, be understanding. Better yet, be helpful.

    • Your approach to things can either help or hurt the situation.

    If nothing seems to be working and your wife really isn’t ever in the mood anymore, and she’s also frustrated, consider seeing a professional counselor. There may be something deeper going on that needs to be discovered.


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