"Husband Not Interested" Wife Tells Marriage Counselor

4 Min Read

Contents

Why A Husband May Not Be Interested In His Wife
What To Do To Bring The Sexual Interest Back
What To Take Away
Comments By Other Readers (17+)

Part 1 of 2

Sexual intimacy is an important part of a healthy and satisfying marriage. Unfortunately, after years together, kids, and the physical changes that come with age, some husbands find themselves not interested in having sex with their wives.

When one partner loses sexual interest in the other it opens the relationship up to several problems. The loss of connection on a physical level can quickly lead to a loss of connection on an emotional level as well.

If a couple in this situation isn’t proactive about fixing things, they can find themselves facing issues that feel almost insurmountable.

Emotional distance
Boredom
Affairs

And eventually the possibility of separation and divorce.

Below is a question sent to us by a reader whose husband is no longer attracted to her and has lost interest in her sexually.

Take a look at Mileena’s question and my response that follows.

Why A Husband May Not Be Interested In His Wife

Reader Question:

After 6 years of marriage and breastfeeding 2 kids, my breasts don't look like before, and now my husband is not interested in me. My husband asked me to do plastic surgery. I couldn't do it. I was thinking about my kids and the long-term effect on my body. The thing is now I hate my body, but I don't want to do plastic surgery. Now my husband not interested in sleeping with me. I think my husband doesn't find me sexy." -Mileena

My Answer:

You're probably right when you say "my husband doesn't find me sexy" and that's why he’s not interested. However, the his lack of interest is probably more complex than you realize.

Most likely you're husband isn’t interested in you for 2 reasons:

1. Changes in your body

Men have told me, and have commented on this blog, that they do struggle with being sexually attracted to their wives, especially after they’ve had children.

Childbirth and breast feeding not only alter a woman’s body, but also give a man a different perspective on what a woman’s body is for, and that can be intimidating. It can also severely dampen a man’s sexual desire for her.

And unfortunately, having children and aging can lead to weight gain (for both women and men), which can create a loss of attractions as well.

2. Porn

The second reason your husband may not be interested is a big one for a lot of wives and husbands, and that’s porn.

Porn use can cause BIG problems in a relationship and can be very complicated. For that reason we'll discuss it in greater depth in our next post -- My Husband Watches Porn.

What To Do To Bring Sexual Interest Back

Dissatisfaction with sex is common in long-term relationships. There are many reasons for this and they differ for each couple.

The most common reasons for loss of interest include,

Changes to a partner’s body
Work, family, and financial stress
The influence of porn
Boredom

It’s important to remember as well that it’s not just husbands who lose interest sexually. It’s more often wives who find themselves not interested, and for similar reasons.

So, what can you do if sexual chemistry has left the relationship?

Do you have to just accept this as the new normal?
Should you have an affair?

No and no.

What you really need to do is look for ways to bring the sexual interest and intimacy back.

There are a few things you can start doing now that can help this happen.

Fake it ‘til you make it

Here’s the thing about sexual interest – the more you make an effort the more it will grow. If you’re not feeling immediately attracted to your partner, try going through some of the motions that have worked in the past - kiss, touch, get physically close. Often just these small efforts can restart some level of sexual desire.

Create romance

Remember when you first met and there was all the excitement of a new romance?

Bring that back. Creating a romantic atmosphere and new moments together can help you rekindle that interest in one another.

Show appreciation

One thing both men and women often say to me is that feeling appreciated makes them feel closer to their partner. Emotional connection is very important to sustaining sexual intimacy.

Make time to be alone together

It’s easy to forget that your relationship with your partner needs nurturing and one-on-one time. Especially in a case like Mileena’s where young kids are a factor.

You can’t be sexually intimate if you’re never alone, so find a way to spend time together, just the two of you, even if it’s just to talk and relax.

Make sure you feel good about you

One of the most attractive qualities in any person is self-confidence and confident sexual energy.

That can be hard if you’re feeling badly about your body.

This isn’t to suggest that body enhancing surgeries are a solution, just that you should make any changes you feel necessary to feel good about yourself and be healthier.

The goal should be healthy, not perfect. Exercise is one obvious way to get or stay healthy, build confidence, and gain energy.

Keep in mind that sometimes it's just little changes that can make all the difference.

If you’re finding none of these changes are making a meaningful difference, it would be worth exploring couples counseling. Sometimes the loss of interest by a husband, or wife, is due to deeper issues that may be too uncomfortable to communicate about or difficult to resolve without professional help.

What To Take Away

You shouldn’t just accept that your sex life is over if you’re husbands no longer sexually attracted to you. Acceptance of the end of intimacy could ultimately cause the downfall of your relationship.

So, if your husband has lost sexual interest in you remember,

Attraction waxes and wanes in all relationships, so dry phases can be normal.
Having children and natural changes due to aging can affect each partner’s attraction to one another.
You may need to practice and learn to be sexually attracted to your partner by focusing on their other attractive qualities, and not just their body.
Small, positive changes through nutrition and exercise can not only bring back the attraction, but also boost your self-confidence and desire for sexual intimacy.
If porn is a factor, that needs to be addressed directly as it will cause bigger problems if it’s not.

And ladies, don’t forget the power of initiating. Men like to feel wanted, and initiating sex can be a very powerful aphrodisiac when you’re feeling like your husband isn’t interested.

This is the first article of two discussing a wife's struggle with her husband's lack of interest. Read more about Mileena in the second article: My Husband Watches Porn. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this article and get other great articles on men, women, and their relationships like this one.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 31, 2012, updated on June 21, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.