Why There’s A Fear of Intimacy in Men

man-afraid-of-intimacy 3 Min Read

Contents

What Intimacy Is & Isn’t
What Do Men Fear About Intimacy?
Takeaways About Fear of Intimacy in Men
FAQs

Most men like and want sex.

So, why then do many women believe there’s a fear of intimacy in men?

Partly because most men and women mean something different when they use the word “intimacy.”

When a guy says, “We haven’t been intimate,” he means, “We haven’t had sex.”
When a woman says, “We aren’t intimate,” she means, “You don’t open up to me.”

You know the book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus?

A place where that title can be clearly seen is in how men and women use the word “intimacy.”

One of the reasons there’s a general perception that men fear of intimacy is because most are only willing to participate in one form of it – sex.

Let me explain what I mean.

What Intimacy Is & Isn’t

The following is from a recent marriage counseling session I had with a couple.

Cindy sat in front of me wiping her eyes with a tissue as she cried. Her husband, Ron, sat next to her emotionless.

“I ask him how he feels about our marriage, and I get – ‘fine.’”

His wife is crying and hurting, and Ron feels nothing.

No concern
No empathy
No love

He doesn’t show it anyway. And Cindy doesn’t feel it, which is part of the reason she feels there’s no intimacy in their marriage.

Situations like this are another reason why it’s commonly believed there’s a fear of intimacy in men.

Ron, like most men, thinks of intimacy in only one form – sexual intimacy.

But intimacy isn’t just sex. Intimacy can also be –

Emotional
Mental
Spiritual

What Cindy is missing from Ron is the other forms of intimacy, particularly emotional intimacy.

And is this moment when she’s sad, she especially wants, needs, and is missing it.

But Ron not only doesn’t know or see that (I’m teaching him), he’s also focused on himself at this moment, not Cindy.

Part of the reason Ron had no response to Cindy’s sadness is because he was focused on what he perceived to be her criticizing and attacking him. He was angry and only thinking about his own emotional needs, not considering hers.

We all can fear that our feelings will be ignored. The example above shows that for both Cindy and Ron.

Cindy certainly thinks that her feelings are being ignored by Ron.
But Ron is silent partly for the same reason – if he shows concern for Cindy’s feelings, what happens to his feelings of being attacked?

It gets complicated.

Intimacy is about connection. It can be a sexual, emotional, mental, or spiritual connection.

Men are typically taught to be doers. Not connectors.

Even though we need and want connection, particularly with a partner, but most of us have no idea how to maintain it ongoing.

Here’s another example –

A problem I see with men is that they are terrified of intimacy. That is the case with my husband, and I really feel no hope, and increasingly, less and less desire, to keep the relationship alive. Of course, in the beginning, he communicated a lot and we had fun. As time went on, and he had more to lose, he stopped talking to me. He also went through a period where he was extremely verbally abusive. He has, and continues to do, things to sabotage the relationship. I don't want it badly enough to endure this the rest of my life, but I think it is important to address what fear of intimacy in men looks like for your readers.” -Andrea

What Do Men Fear About Intimacy?

Intimacy, other than sexual intimacy, for most men goes against the ‘man code’ – be strong.

For example, intimacy requires being –

Vulnerable
Transparent
Sharing feelings

These are not considered ‘man-like’ behaviors, even though they’re actually good and healthy for all of us (yes, men too).

What else does intimacy require?

Emotional awareness
Communication
Trust
Effort
Consistency

Several of these are not typical strengths for many men (emotional awareness, vulnerability, communication).

Being intimate (Emotional, mental, spiritual, not just sexual) can be –

Unfamiliar
Uncomfortable
Difficult

But the rewards of pushing through these barriers can be better, and longer lasting, than even the best orgasm – test me on this one guys (you won’t know until you try).

Takeaways About Fear of Intimacy in Men

Remember, intimacy is about connection. It comes in 4 common forms –

Emotional
Mental
Spiritual
Sexual

Fear of intimacy in men comes from not having knowingly experienced it in its non-sexual forms.

Intimacy also triggers apprehension and fear in men because it goes against the ‘man-code’ of being strong. Intimacy requires –

Vulnerability
Transparency
Sharing feelings

These are not typically strengths in men, but they can be with the right effort. And the benefits of overcoming the fear of intimacy for men are immense.

FAQs

Do All Men Fear Intimacy?

No, but many do. Rarely are they fearful of sexual intimacy. So, it’s usually not all forms of intimacy they’re afraid of – it’s most often emotions, not connection.

How Do You Stop A Man’s Fear of Intimacy?

Slowly, gradually, and over time. With strategic steps the fear of intimacy can be reduced and eliminated. It mostly arises from a lack of knowledge and experience, both of which can be changed.

Got a man who fears intimacy? Please share what’s that’s been like in a comment below.