Serenity Now! How to Keep It Together When You Hate Your Ex's New Partner

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6 Min Read

Contents

Like Them Or Not, Accepting Your Ex’s New Love Is Hard
8 Ways To Play Nice When You HATE Your Ex’s New Partner
When It’s Much Deeper Than Dislike
What To Take Away

Divorce is rarely an easy process, and emotions can run high long after the papers have been signed.

Even if things have gone well and you’ve accepted your new path in life, dealing with new relationships in your ex-spouse’s life can be challenging. Especially if you're saying to yourself, "I hate my ex’s new partner."

Feelings of resentment, jealousy, and anger can arise, making it difficult to maintain a sense of peace and stability in your life. These feelings can be exacerbated, even become overwhelming, if you genuinely dislike the new person in your ex’s life.

It’s possible, however, to keep it together and navigate these complex emotions in a healthy way. Even if you really (really) hate your ex’s new partner.

Like Them Or Not, Accepting Your Ex’s New Love Is Hard

Dealing with an ex-spouse’s new partner can be emotionally challenging under the best of circumstances. Even the most mature and evolved of us may find accepting a new love in your old love’s life a painful experience.

It can leave you feeling,

Replaced
Inadequate
Angry

And not surprisingly, jealously (a common feeder emotion when you're saying, "I hate my ex's new partner").

What makes it even more difficult is that many of us want to ignore those complicated feelings because we don’t think we should feel them. They’re the EX-spouse, why should you care who they’re with?

Very simply, because being divorced doesn’t typically mean being erased from your life. And even if the divorce was contentious, most exes still care about each other on some level.

Dr. Kurt works with couples going through divorce weekly. According to him

I've had people tell me, 'I hate my ex's partner,' more than a few times. While hate is a really strong word to use, they've all genuinely meant it. There are a number of factors and reasons why, but for me it simply shows how breakups and divorces often don't have the outcome (relief from conflict) people hope for them to bring. Most often there are kids keeping the ex's connected, and it's issues around parenting and money that creates situations that fuels hate for an ex's new partner."

The most common things people struggle with when an ex finds a new love are,

Emotional Turmoil. Seeing your ex with someone new can trigger feelings of envy, insecurity, and even bitterness. This is normal.
Concern for Children. Worrying about the influence of anyone new if you share children with your ex-spouse is natural.
Comparison. It’s common to compare yourself to your ex-spouse’s new partner. You may wonder what qualities they possess that you didn’t or why your ex-spouse is happier with them.
Awkward Interactions. Depending on your relationship with your ex, you may need to interact with the new partner. Those interactions can be very awkward – at least at the beginning.
Insecurity. If you’re not ready to move on yourself, a new partner in your ex’s life can make you feel like you’re somehow falling behind.
Acceptance. Accepting that your ex-spouse has moved on and found someone new can result in feeling replaced. This can be hard to accept.
Grief. Your ex finding a partner may bring feelings of grief and loss related to the end of your marriage back to the surface.

All of these feelings are heightened and made worse when the new person in your ex’s life is someone you genuinely dislike.

Everyone’s experience is unique, and not everyone will feel all these things. But when an ex moves on, most people will feel some combination of the above.

And that’s when the new partner is someone you think is at least kind of okay.

What happens when you really, I mean really, can’t stand your ex’s new squeeze? Finding a way not to hate your ex’s new partner is a bitter pill when you’re also managing the post break-up baggage listed above.

8 Ways To Play Nice When You HATE Your Ex’s New Partner

If you've ever said, "I hate my ex’s new partner", knowing how to behave and manage your feelings can be like trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle while riding a unicycle – challenging but not completely impossible with a lot of practice and focus.

So, if you’re struggling with holding back snarky comments (or not) or the urge to troll the new person in your ex’s life online, take time instead to investigate your own feelings.

Ask yourself the following questions to help determine the source of your dislike:

Is the new partner dishonest or otherwise seem to be of questionable character?
Are they treating your ex well or do they appear controlling and potentially abusive?
Do they seem responsible financially and generally stable in how they manage their lives?
Can you trust them around your children?

If the answers to these questions leave you feeling like the new partner is basically a decent person, then you have to ask yourself:

Are you feeling a little jealous?
Possibly displaced?
Or are they just not a personality you enjoy?

Understanding the source of your dislike, whether it’s jealousy, fear, or a problem with the person your ex is with and concern for your ex’s well-being, can help you create a more effective plan for exercising patience and managing your interactions.

Along with reflecting on your feelings, the following tips can help you better work with and within a situation that’s out of your control.

Communicate openly and respectfully

Healthy communication is critical to any successful relationship. It's especially important for maintaining a civil relationship with your ex-spouse and their new partner, particularly when you don’t like that new partner.

If you have genuine concerns, you need to communicate them to your ex. From there, it’s the choice of your ex as to where to take things.

Set boundaries

Establish clear boundaries with your ex’s new partner.

This includes defining your roles as co-parents, agreeing on schedules, and determining how you’ll handle important decisions regarding your children. Boundaries help maintain order and minimize conflicts.

Keep your children in mind

Your children should always be the top priority.

Avoid speaking negatively about your ex’s new partner in front of them, as this can be emotionally damaging for your kids. Instead, focus on fostering a positive and stable environment for your children, even if you’re mentally poking a Voodoo doll in their likeness.

Give it time

Time can be very helpful when it comes to emotional wounds.

As days turn into weeks and weeks into months, you may find the intensity of your negative feelings toward your ex-spouse’s new partner will begin to dissipate. Be patient with yourself during this process and work at not feeding negative thoughts and feelings.

Lean on Your Support System

If you’re struggling with feeling like you hate your ex’s new partner, don’t hesitate to reach out to friends and family for emotional support. Talking to people who care about you can provide a sense of validation and comfort during difficult times.

And sometimes, you just need to vent and let the snark fly.

Focus on your future

Redirecting your energy toward building a new future for yourself is a great way to build a better attitude. Set personal goals, explore new hobbies, and invest in your happiness and well-being.

Focus on self-care

Taking care of yourself is paramount during this challenging time. Prioritize self-care practices, such as exercise, meditation, therapy, and time with supportive friends and family. When you feel more centered and emotionally balanced, it becomes easier to handle difficult emotions.

Seek professional help

If you just can’t seem to get a grip on your dislike for your ex’s new person, counseling can be immensely helpful. A therapist can provide you with strategies to manage your feelings and thoughts and offer a safe space to discuss your concerns.

When It’s Much Deeper Than Dislike

Disliking someone new in your ex’s life is one thing, but if you’re truly concerned about the well-being of your ex, your kids, or even yourself, it becomes more serious.

If you’re really worried about the new partner’s behavior and whether it may be harmful to your children or you, and your ex doesn’t see it or agree, consult with an attorney about legal options.

Otherwise, you may do well to think of your ex’s new love as an acquired taste – like pineapple on pizza or cilantro.

Challenge yourself to find something redeeming about them. Maybe they have an encyclopedic knowledge of obscure movie quotes or possess an uncanny ability to bake the perfect chocolate chip cookie.

Looking for positive qualities might just turn the hatred for your ex’s new partner into a begrudging appreciation. After all, it probably takes a certain level of audacity to enter your ex’s heart, and there’s a chance they have some intriguing qualities lurking beneath the surface.

What To Take Away

Let’s face it, hating your ex’s new partner is a more common feeling than liking them. But that dislike won’t net anything positive.

In fact, those negative feelings toward someone who may become a permanent fixture in your ex’s life and by extension yours, can only make things worse.

So, if you're saying, "I hate my ex's new partner," remember:

If you hate your ex’s new partner you need to take some time to understand your own feelings and where they’re coming from.
If your disdain for them comes from real worries about the health or safety of your ex or your kids then you must act. But if your feelings are because of your own personal jealousies or insecurities, then you’ll need to find a way to deal with them.
Consider the 8 strategies listed above to help you find a way to get along (as well as possible) with the new person in your ex’s life.

You’re not the first person to hate your ex’s new partner. But the only person who can control and remedy those feelings is you.