Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
So if you’re just separated, now what? That's a very important question, and one to consider carefully and thoughtfully. Most separations are a jumbled combination of impulsiveness and some thought — but usually not a lot of thought about what the long-term, best interests of everyone involved would be, rather thinking about if and when to leave.
There are two sides to the ‘just separated, now what?’ scenario — the partner who separated and the one who had their partner leave. The one who leaves has usually been thinking about taking this action for a while, yet almost never has much of a plan once out the door. The partner who gets left behind can often be surprised and a lot of times doesn’t want the separation. As a result, commonly each partner will be asking the same question, "what now?", but from a different perspective and looking for a different kind of answer.
I’m working right now with a couple in marriage counseling that are in just this situation. Liz feels suffocated and controlled, and has been pleading for Sean to give her “space” for months. She’s at the end of her rope and just wants to separate. “I’m done. I don’t want to be your slave. I’m tired of being yelled at and verbally beat up.” Sean, however, doesn’t want to separate from his wife and believes if she does he won’t be able to show her how he’s changing, and so their marriage will be over. He's angrily asking, "Okay, you're separating, but now what?"
It’s not uncommon for separations to occur more as an emotional reaction than a carefully thought out plan. Another example of that are couples that have regular, nasty fights in which one partner leaves temporarily for a night or two. When emotions are high we all can just react without thinking.
A man I'm counseling was caught cheating by his wife and she kicked him out. So when James isn't traveling for work he's been staying in hotels and with friends. It was a temporary accommodation to give his wife space, but it's been going on for a while now and is no longer working for either one of them. She's sending him snide texts telling he needs to find an apartment and officially move out.
Everybody's situation is different, and your response will vary depending on which partner you are (the one separating or the one being separated from), but there are a few things every partner can do when you’re just separated and wondering now what?
Being just separated asking now what is a tough place to be, so keep the answer simple. If you're the partner separating, be careful not to write off the relationship too quickly. I've seen a lot of partners finally wake up and get serious about changing when they're partner shows them how serious they are by moving out. If this is you, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is not being open to giving your partner another chance to change. And if you're the one who got left, don't give up. Having your partner separate can be devastating, but it doesn't have to be the end. Take it as a wake-up call and start doing some things to give your partner reasons to reconsider.
Just separated? Now what are you going to do?
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Thanks for the advice Kurt. I left my wife a few days ago when she did something that I can't even write here. I went to see my kids today, just for a few hours and stock the fridge, pick up my passport. I don't have a plan, the day before, everything was great. Leaving was something I thought I should have done for ten years, but I just hung in there and dealt with it. But the other day; that was a bomb shell. 5 minutes after she did it, I was out the house. No plan.
Today, when I went home, she asked me if I was going to file for divorce. I simply said that my next priority was to find a place to stay.
Your advice on give it 90 days. I think I'll do that. If this separation is the right thing for both of us, I'll work hard to ensure the kids have access to both of us and move into the unfortunately class of men who cannot raise the kids they love. If the situation is such that I move back in...and God, I hope there is a way to do that...I will.
I am praying that this is something God has planned to fix our lives. What was going on wasn't good for me; perhaps wasn't good for us. Maybe He had decided to fix us both and this is it.
My wife separated from me four months ago. I have been seeking reconciliation with her, this after being accompanied by Counselor for 6 months. Even so, she did not want to stay. She left me with two young children. I get confused between continuing to wait for God to restore us or to have to go ahead and ask for a divorce. I only think of divorce when I am downcast, sad and angry to see her so reluctant to stay separate. But I would like God give me the strength to expect a miracle (Luke 18: 1-6). There was no adultery, but there was pornography. I made her confession of regret. Her reaction was to new accusation against me. What could you advise me?