Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
The best divorce advice for women I can give is don’t make an emotional decision. Divorce is so life altering, and in many not so good ways, that you don’t want to rush into it.
Obviously, people choose to divorce to make their lives better. But divorce brings with it many negative aspects that can only be minimized or prevented with careful planning. So my divorce advice for women is to separate your feelings from your decision before making such a life changing choice.
We live in a throwaway society and this fact has impacted all of us. One example is dust rags, which used to get washed and reused, but now have been replaced by paper towels or the Swifter, which we use once and then throw away. I believe this 'just throw it away and get a new one' mentality has contributed to one of the biggest mistakes I see couples make -- if your partner isn't making you happy, then just get rid of them and get a new one.
And when we let our emotions rule our decision making it's really easy to fall for this foolish divorce advice that if our partner isn't making us happy then we just need to get a new one. Here's a post I wrote on our social media pages about when to end a relationship that talks about this.
What's the divorce advice I give women look like? Let’s look at the marriage of Rico and Elise from another article about men who lie and cheat. Like many couples, they had told each other that if either one of them cheated they would get divorced. So when Elise discovered that Rico had cheated on her on a business trip, she was done.
She confronted him on a Sunday and they fought all day long; first over his initial lies and excuses, and then over whether they wanted to stay married and keep trying to fix their relationship. That night Elise talked to her mother who advised her to file for divorce, so Monday morning she was in an attorney’s office filing out divorce papers and paying a $5,000 retainer.
When Rico saw the lawyer's charge on their credit card on Tuesday he canceled her card. Elise discovered her card was canceled that night at a gas station when the pump rejected it. She called Rico angry and sobbing.
Fortunately, after getting some divorce advice from me, they both paused and took a breath. They both acknowledged that they each had acted on emotions the past two days and apologized. Rico got Elise a new credit card, and Elise told her attorney she wanted to see if they could reconcile.
Hopefully this example shows you the immense value of having an unbiased, non-emotional, professional advising you in how to make the best decisions about divorce. Divorce lawyers aren't going to do that (they want you as a paying client), and even well meaning family and friends don't always give the best divorce advice (they want to protect you from more hurt).
If you've got a partner who's willing to try or keep trying to make things better, then I think you really need to think long and hard about whether you're throwing away a relationship that still has the possibility of being repaired. For Elise, even though Rico made a huge mistake, he did ultimately admit it was a mistake and apologized. And he is willing to try to fix his mistake and their broken marriage.
The divorce advice a woman like Elise needs to hear is to slow down, don't make an impulsive decision, and certainly not one in response to the pain and hurt of being cheated on. She may end up still deciding to divorce even after professional getting advice, but if she does it will now be a decision she makes using rational, logical thought, considering the full impact of that decision, not one just driven by emotion.
It’s not just women who need the advice not to divorce based on emotion, men can just as easily make this mistake too. If you’re a man, this divorce advice for women applies to you too.
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What do you do when your husband of 22 years and been with for 34 years out of the 46 years ive been alive will not can not and absolutely wont admit to anything what so ever. Ive been recording him at work fo 3 years ive listened and cried beat myself up and almost ended the pain by inflicting pain in other ways to myself just to end it all . I have been beaten amongst other things hes even admitted that he was going to kill me but he kept doing it then he feel in love and treated me un believably worse he took her on trips bought her way and even brought her home to our kids and grandchildren all the while throwing the I love you I miss you bs just to keep me hanging on . He even went as far as giving me an eighth of the amount of money to live on and a broken down vehicle I was accustomed to 10000 or more a mnth before this . Christmas birthdays family stuff hed make sure that I was unable to buy gifts act like a wife etc . So id stay at home completely alone and feeling worthless, our kids never ever checked up to so much ask why I wasnt there he in my eyes bought them . I don't have any of the friends or my family or his that we used to share . I was left completely alone pennyless and curled up on my couch for weeks . When I did voice my opinions he tear me down called me everything that put me down to the ground even till this day he ''tries'' to do it , I just dont understand how he can always say there is no she not with or been with anyone im working thats it but then had 0 time for me even watching movies visiting powker night horseshoes etc were more important than me. Its been sheer hell but I am leaving now as he really wants nthn to do with me and its not like I haven't tried to leave but lawyers theses days want their money before they will help I have 0 frinds 0 family 0 money but im trying ive left before only to end up back on the couch by myself as im totally incapable of doing anything. I need an angel or something to help me out I realize that he will never admit to any of it I just need to know how to pick myself up and get on with life my kids even play me then run back to him and he whips out the money like nthn . I usually end up having to steel his bankcard or whatever cash I can he never seems to miss it tho but still they ask 1nce and he hands it over 1000s at a time sometimes I am damaged I know I let him do it to me but how do I pick myself up and move on . Im completely dependant on him as he told me to stay home with the kids when he got this job which he got by doing the guys wife that got him his job now their divorced and he got fired but my husband's going strong how do I pick myself up and carry on theres soo much more lots more years and yeas but everyone hates me and thinks the world of him he even named his company after himself everyone loves _____ ineedhelp I need answers ill never get I want closure
Tawny, This sounds very complicated for this small forum. Do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. -Kurt
Thought it was interesting that the site had a section of advice labeled for women and not men. It is good advice. Women can be more prone to act out of emotion than a man might be. The thought processes of men and women are different because God made us differently. God designed marriage and if you don’t follow His plan, if you don’t humble yourself and seek him first you will be outside of His will. I am going through divorce and things were always a struggle. There were more bad days than good days. We weren’t equally yoked and didn’t come from a similar background. We didn’t have similar goals or values. She battled mental health issues and a childhood of neglect and abuse that she didn’t recover from. I had my own issues I needed to work through and to overcome. Things progressed very quickly and we had two beautiful kids and I was the sole supporter. She was the sole spender of all the money. There was no accounting of where it was going. I married her hoping it would show her my love for her. Things rapidly got worse at home with financial infidelity. She avoided me. She showed signs of BPD. The house was in a state of squalor. Things were rapidly falling apart. I wanted a a loving wife, a healthy relationship, and and to keep my family in tact. It wasn’t there. I continued to enable dysfunction by staying engaged. My faith kept me pressing forward and one day I remembered that Romans 1 mentions how God delivered unrighteousness people over to a deprived mind. I thought it’s time I quit enabling. I filed for divorce and I prayed over those papers when before I sent them out. It was the best thing I could have done. I’d say if the other person is willing to make positive steps it’s good to move forward. If they aren’t interested just love them anyway and focus on yourself and improving yourself. We all go through seasons in life and marriage is a serious commitment. If things are abusive and destructive, get away as soon as reasonably possible.