How Can I Trust My Husband Again After He Lied About Porn? (Again)

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5 Min Read

Contents

The Issues Around Trust And Porn
How To Trust Your Spouse Again After Lying About Porn
What To Take Away
Comments (380+)

Viewing porn is a problem for many men, which means it’s a problem for many couples as well. In my counseling practice I work routinely with couples whose relationships are suffering not only because of porn, but the lies and broken trust that accompanies it.

One of the biggest problems with porn is the trust that gets shattered when husbands promise their wives they’ll stop, only to break that promise again and again.

Many wives that I counsel wonder how they can ever trust their husbands again after he’s lied about porn repeatedly. It’s a valid concern.

The Issues Around Trust And Porn

Overcoming broken trust in a relationship can feel impossible.

The constant suspicion and feeling like he’s not being honest about what he’s doing is emotionally draining.

That’s one of the reasons why questions about rebuilding trust are sent to us every day.

"How can I trust my husband won't drink again?"
"How can I trust he won't cheat on me again?"
“How can I trust my husband won’t look at porn again?”
"How can I trust he'll keep his word on _____?" (spending money, helping with the kids, taking care of his health -- you fill in the blank).

These are examples of questions we routinely get asked.

Let’s first recognize that since we're all human, we're all going to make mistakes.

This along with the idealized image we create of our partners at the beginning of a relationship, makes it no surprise that our expectations will be shattered at some point, and we’ll feel disappointed and let down.

And a very common idealization is the naïve belief that other men watch porn, “but not my husband.”

Breaking trust intentionally and repeatedly, however, by not honoring promises (as happens with porn) or engaging in hurtful behavior is completely different from broken expectations.

Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship.

Without trust, relationships fail. Repeatedly breaking our partner’s trust demonstrates a lack of love, respect, and maturity.

When we truly love and respect our partner, we’ll find a way to change our behavior. Or at least be honest about needing to change, even if we don’t know how to do it.

When we disregard the hurt we’re causing our partners by not changing, or by being dishonest about change, it’s like telling them - “You don’t matter.”

Men who watch porn will say that’s not true.

They’ll say they love their wives and would do anything for them. But that’s not how their wives feel.

Porn can make a woman feel -

Unattractive
Diminished
Worthless

And the fact that her husband seems to value porn more than keeping his promise can make her feel porn is more important to him than she is.

However, the addictive power of porn shouldn’t be underestimated. Until it’s broken, the cycle of addiction will lead him back to what he uses for escape - even if it’s unhealthy and at the expense of the wife he loves.

It typically takes professional help for them to have the tools and ability to be stronger than the addiction.

How To Trust Your Spouse Again After Lying About Porn

Below you’ll see a submission I received from a wife struggling to rebuild trust with her husband.

She's asking the question, "How can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn?"

Let's apply that idea of loving and respecting our partner by changing our behavior to Evelyn's relationship and question. Here's her story:

My husband has been watching porn for all of our married life together. We have been together for over 40 years, and I've tried to embrace it but I don't need it, and when it comes to the bedroom we have no inhibitions. So we have been having many problems with the advent of the "World Wide Web". He's totally a brain on computers and cellys. I have grave concerns with him having these kinds of electronics with his track record. All down through the years, he always promised never to do it again whenever he would get caught. These last 5 years have been the hardest, with the whole world on FACEBOOK, he had over 1800 friends, 3/4's of them were Asian girls. I also found it too easy to flirt, so we have went rounds with deactivating our Facebook accounts, over and over. How can I trust my husband after he's lied about porn so many times???" -Evelyn

Evelyn's question about trusting her husband after he lied about porn again, is pretty common, especially when it comes to looking at porn.

Many people believe that once trust is broken it cannot be rebuilt. This is not true.

It's hard and takes work to rebuild trust, but it can be done. I teach couples how to rebuild trust every day.

Evelyn's made a common mistake by focusing on the wrong thing regarding her husband's behavior change. She’s focusing on what her husband says rather than on what he does.

Almost every guy promises never to look at porn again when they get caught. But just like Evelyn's husband, few of them do anything about changing themselves so they're able keep their promise.

Porn is a drug, and for many men (and some women), they become addicted to porn, just like a drug.

So, changing a porn watching habit is not as easy as just saying,

I won't do it again."

I've been counseling a man recently who’s watched porn for years. Through our counseling we've been able to stop his looking at porn, but he still fantasizes about women (not his wife) and masturbates daily.

Despite this man's change, his wife still asks the same question as Evelyn, “How can I trust my husband again after he’s lied to me about porn so many times?”

What I tell her is the fact that he’s been coming to counseling every other week for a year and a half back up his words and demonstrate that he’s trying to change his behavior.

For Evelyn to be smart about trusting her husband again after he’s lied to her about porn repeatedly, she needs to see action from him too.

She must make a choice to trust his words. It may be difficult, but that choice is made easier when his words are backed up by his actions - like going to therapy and changing his behavior.

What To Take Away

Trust is fragile. It takes time to build, but can be shattered quickly.

An addiction of any kind will likely break trust within a relationship, and that broken trust is compounded as one partner makes promises to change that aren’t easily kept.

When it comes to broken trust and porn, keep the following things in mind:

Porn can quickly become an addiction for many men.
Overcoming an addiction to porn is difficult and takes time.
Rebuilding broken trust is also difficult and takes time.
When working toward rebuilding trust remember that actions speak louder than words. Watch what he does and look for reasons to begin trusting him again.
Just because he hasn’t changed doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to – he may not know how. This is when professional help can make the difference.

If your husband is taking concrete steps, like getting help, then I would recommend being patient.

It will take time for him to change, and it will take time for you to trust him again.

The key ingredients for change are – effort, time, and patience. These are also necessary for you to be able to trust him again after he’s lied about porn.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 29, 2014, updated on September 24, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.