There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Once may be a mistake. Twice is a colossal screw-up. But if he’s cheated three times (or more), it’s a pattern, and it could be a sign he’s a serial cheater.
Cheating is a painful experience in any relationship. While a one-time mistake can potentially be forgiven and overcome, serial cheating is a pattern of behavior that raises significant concerns about trust and commitment.
This means identifying signs he may be a serial cheater is crucial for anyone who suspects their partner may be engaging in repeated acts of infidelity (or if they’ve met someone with this history).
Before we look at the signs of serial cheating, we should first talk about why repetitive cheating can occur.
Most cheaters, even the serial ones, will claim they still love their partners. Many will say their cheating has nothing to do with their partners and how they feel about them.
How’s that possible?
Understanding why some people become serial cheaters is a complex task. It involves a combination of psychological, emotional, and behavioral factors. While every case is unique, some common influences can contribute to chronic cheating.
Among them are,
Certain personality disorders, such as narcissistic or antisocial personality disorders, may contribute to serial cheating behavior. People with these disorders can lack empathy, be highly manipulative, inherently selfish, and have difficulty forming deep connections.
Serial cheaters may struggle with long-term commitment. This could be rooted in personal insecurities, fear of intimacy, or fear of abandonment (i.e., “I’ll hurt you before you hurt me”). This fear of commitment may lead them to seek short-term gratification in multiple relationships.
People with low self-esteem can turn to serial cheating for validation. The attention and admiration from multiple partners can temporarily boost their self-worth.
Impulse control is something we learn as we mature. However, impulsive individuals haven’t developed to the point of being able to successfully practice self-control and, therefore, act on their desires without fully considering the consequences.
Abuse or abandonment, often from childhood, can cause people to struggle with trust and intimacy. Serial cheating may be a coping mechanism (not a good one) to deal with unresolved emotional issues.
For some, cheating can become an addictive behavior. The adrenaline rush from chasing a new relationship, the secrecy, and validation received from multiple partners may create a cycle of addiction that is challenging for individuals to break.
Even with the above-contributing factors, many partners feel some level of responsibility and guilt when they’ve been cheated on multiple times.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
Is a commonly cited idiom that indicates some level of responsibility falls on the person who’s been repeatedly fooled.
Does that mean it’s your fault if he’s a serial cheater?
No.
Cheating is a choice and a behavior that’s controllable by the person who’s doing it. When it happens repeatedly, it’s a sign of a flaw within their character, not yours.
So, what are the signs that he’s a serial cheater?
They can vary, but some of the most apparent signs of chronic cheating include,
While once a cheater always a cheater isn’t usually a true statement, he can’t be a serial cheater if he’s never cheated. And once the door opens to cheating behavior, repeating it becomes more tempting and easier to justify for some men.
A shift in emotional intimacy is a common sign of serial cheating. If your partner becomes increasingly distant, avoids conversations about the future, or seems disinterested in your emotional well-being, it may indicate that his attention is divided between multiple relationships.
Cheaters, especially serial cheaters, go to great lengths to conceal their activities. If your partner bounces from open and forthcoming to excessively secretive with their phone, email, or social media accounts, it could be a sign of infidelity. Password changes, guarded conversations, and a sudden need for privacy may indicate that they’re trying to hide something from you. Again.
Sudden changes in grooming, attitude, interests, lack of interest in you, or even lack of family engagement can signify a serial cheater. These are often behaviors associated with affairs, and when they stop and start again, it may correlate to the beginning or end of a new relationship.
The serial cheater often has a repertoire of excuses to justify his actions. If your partner consistently explains away late nights at work, sudden business trips, or unexplained absences, it might be a sign that he’s a serial cheater. Pay attention to the consistency and plausibility of these excuses, as repeated and implausible reasons could signal a deeper issue.
Financial irregularities can also be indicative of a serial cheater. Unexplained expenses, secret credit cards, or hidden financial transactions can be clues that your partner is juggling multiple relationships.
It’s not unusual for there to be changes in the level of physical intimacy when one partner is having an affair. Generally, it’s a decrease, but any sudden change bears scrutiny.
A serial cheater may know his behavior is wrong and try to assuage his guilt by overdoing it with outward signs of affection. An overdose of praise, gifts, or other highly attentive behavior, especially combined with some other signs, should be considered a red flag.
The flip side of love bombing is accusatory or blaming behavior. Some serial cheaters attempt to deflect or justify their actions by accusing their partner of doing the same or blaming them for unhappiness in the relationship.
As mentioned above, serial cheaters obviously struggle with impulse control and can be narcissists. If your partner is driven by an insatiable need for validation or excitement, has a constant need for attention, or has a history of engaging in risky behaviors, it may be a sign that he’s a serial cheater.
These behaviors are problems on their own, but they can also be signs your partner is open to having an affair if the opportunity presents itself.
Serial cheaters will often gaslight their partners. If he’s telling you the lipstick on his collar is yours, that you’re reading too much into things, or that you’re crazy for thinking he’s doing anything wrong, it could be a sign he’s cheating.
Any of these signs can exist on their own without meaning your partner is cheating or that he’s a serial cheater. However, the more of these you see, the more likely something is going on.
If you’re dealing with a serial cheater, it’s crucial to approach the situation carefully and thoughtfully. Given that you may have already experienced it with him, your trust has probably already taken a hit, so the following steps should be well thought out.
If you do want to keep the relationship together, your best bet for success is to seek marriage or couples counseling. If he’s a serial cheater, a professional counselor can help determine why and how to help him change his behavior.
Dr. Kurt has worked with many couples struggling with repeated cheating. According to him,
I regularly counsel couples struggling with their relationships who have experienced cheating in their past. A common thing among most of them is that they never got professional help to get through the infidelity. Most people just think they can fix it themselves. Yet one of the reasons they end up in counseling later on is because the reason the affair happened never got addressed and the damage done by it was never repaired. This problem is only magnified when one of the partners is a serial cheater. So, if you're recognizing some of the signs that he could be a serial cheater, please get help by talking to an experienced counselor."
Cheating is an enormous betrayal. Being cheated on repeatedly can feel absolutely devastating.
In addition, if you’ve seen signs he’s a serial cheater, you’re likely,
These are all extremely normal feelings.
Remember,
To clarify again – his cheating isn’t your fault. And it’s not a reflection of your worth as a person. But if you feel you’ve seen clear signs he’s a serial cheater, it’s also a sign that change is needed.
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I suspect my husband has a secret family with one biological son. I am trying to find information on how to handle this. Thank you for the article.