There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Most of us would like a happy 'how did you meet' story for our relationship. Something like love at first sight, eyes meeting as you each reach for the same napkin, or a mutual love for Alpacas that brought you together.
But when your relationship begins as an affair the story can feel tainted. In fact, the whole relationship can feel as though it exists under a cloud. Which begs the question - Do relationships from affairs last?
All relationships face challenges. But when your relationship begins as an affair there are many additional hurdles.
This can put a great deal of strain on a couple and lead to problems that the majority of people in relationships don’t have to face.
So, whether a relationship from an affair lasts is dependent on many things and requires considerations that are outside of the norm.
Affairs start differently than most long-term, healthy relationships. They’re generally born out of dissatisfaction with one or both partner’s current relationship.
Part of the appeal is that they’re forbidden, illicit, and overly romanticized.
The other woman or man is seen as ideal, intriguing, and possibly mysterious. And they represent all the things that the person cheating feels their relationship with their spouse or partner is missing. Often it’s the lack of intimacy and/or absence of romance that are blamed initially.
An affair addresses unfulfilled needs for a person - things that their current relationship isn’t providing.
Those needs may be,
or just a desire for fun.
Whatever those unfulfilled needs may be, an affair offers an escape from the reality of the daily grind and responsibilities.
This is where the problems begin.
Whether it’s an emotional affair or a sexual one, relationships that start as affairs are not built on a strong and honest foundation. They are built on fantasy, deceit, and a desire to escape.
For this reason, the partners involved in an affair don’t typically see one another clearly, or really even know each other very well until they have made the life altering decision to take things from affair to full-scale relationship.
Once they do there are often unpleasant discoveries about compatibility, personal habits, even morality and belief systems.
Add to that the fact that affairs don’t offer solutions to the problems a current relationship is facing.
So, if two people make the decision to leave their respective relationships (or one person as the case may be) and take the affair to a more permanent and public stage, they will have only compounded the problems they were facing initially.
The complications of leaving one relationship for another, especially if the initial relationship is a marriage, are tremendous.
Divorcing may seem ideal in a daydream, but the reality is quite painful, particularly if there are children involved.
So, the reality of a lasting relationship from an affair is far from certain. They just aren’t likely to have the right kind of foundation to sustain a healthy and happy relationship long-term.
If, against the odds, a relationship from an affair has a strong enough foundation to create a happy relationship, there are still other issues that will be faced.
One of the biggest is the acceptance by family and friends of the new situation.
Cheating spouses are not generally well thought of.
Even if the current relationship is fraught with issues, cheating on a marriage rarely receives understanding and approval from those close to the cheater. People may sympathize with the upset caused by a dysfunctional marriage, but no one would (or should) claim that having an affair is the answer to the problem.
There’s also often a general disdain for a person who engages in a relationship with married person.
They’re viewed as a homewrecker and with low moral standards. It’s a poor choice no matter how you slice it. And a choice likely made for the wrong reasons, like the appeal of someone who isn’t really available partly because it allows someone to avoid a true commitment and the responsibility of loving someone fully.
So, if you’ve been having an affair that turns into a relationship it’s almost certain that acceptance of the two of you as a couple will be a challenge.
In fact, there may be outright hostility directed at one or both of you. This kind of pushback and rejection can be very stressful on a relationship, which is another strike against a relationship from an affair lasting.
Trust is one of the cornerstones of a strong relationship. Without trust there will always be problems.
And from the moment a person makes a choice – yes, a choice – to have an affair they’ve shown they can’t be trusted.
Claiming, “It just happened,” or “I didn’t mean to” doesn’t hold water, nor does blaming your partner and accusing them of pushing you into it. Those things are really just ways of avoiding taking responsibility for a choice made.
Making the choice to break a commitment to someone else automatically brings trustworthiness into question.
If you’re trying to establish a healthy relationship on the back of demonstrated broken trust, it will be an uphill battle. There will always be the nagging worry that it could happen again.
Even if you feel like the match made through the affair is the “one” and your “soulmate,” trustworthiness will be questioned, and suspicions will arise anytime problems and stress in the relationship occur.
The likelihood of either partner ever really trusting the other is slim. They’ll always wonder if it could happen again.
It’s also likely that a feeling of shame and embarrassment will follow the couple whose relationship began as an affair.
Answering the question, “How did you meet?” will never be a comfortable one. Even if you spin it to hide the fact that your relationship started through an affair, the fact that it will always be uncomfortable to be honest about the way your relationship began can erode an already shaky foundation.
This isn’t to say that relationships that begin as affairs have absolutely no chance of lasting, but they do have a very steep uphill battle.
The truth is that most marriages that began as affairs will end up in divorce.
Whether it’s the,
or all of those things, making a relationship that started through cheating work is really hard.
If, however, you’re certain that your situation is different you need to have your eyes wide open for these issues.
You’ll also need to make concerted efforts to maintain strong communication and be prepared and open to seeing a couples counselor when needed. The obstacles facing a couple trying to make a relationship from an affair last will almost certainly need professional guidance at some point.
Dr. Kurt works with couples daily who have been impacted by affairs. He had this to say when asked if relationships from an affair can last,
You may be reading this as the partner of someone who is having an affair and want to know if it will last. The truth is affairs typically don't last. They all begin at the wrong time and place, and for the wrong reasons. As this article describes, the problems just compound from there. How long it takes for one or both people to realize this and do something about it is a whole other thing though. The drug of fantasy and escape can be pretty intoxicating. However, all romances come back to earth at some point and with affairs it's usually a crash landing. A word of warning to those who are in an affair and wanting it to last - the trust element is always a huge obstacle to overcome and typically acts like an acid slowly eating away at the relationship. I've worked with people 20 years later who are still struggling with it. So, don't fool yourself into believing it's not that big of a deal or that your situation is different."
Conversely, if you’re having an affair and considering whether to make the kind of life changes needed to make it a permanent relationship, it would be wise to press the pause button first.
Ensuring that you're actually in the right place to be fully engaged emotionally, legally, and financially in a new relationship will give you a greater chance at success than trying to force a relationship from an affair to last.
And you may just find that taking some time to focus on the relationship you’re trying to escape will bring back the things you thought were missing in the first place.
No matter how a relationship begins there will be ups and downs over the years. When a relationship begins as an affair those ups and downs will be amplified significantly.
Keeping a relationship that started as an affair strong and healthy can require and additional layer of work because one of the primary cornerstones – trust – is already weaker than it should be.
But it’s not impossible.
If your current relationship started as an affair or you’re considering taking an affair to the next level, there are some serious considerations to keep in mind:
If you believe the relationship that began as an affair is one you’d like to make permanent, your best bet for success it to focus on your current relationship and end it properly. This means really looking to see if the love is gone and never coming back, or just buried.
The reality is relationships from affairs don’t generally last for the long haul. The deck is already stacked against them, and most people in them have unrealistic expectations about the staying power of the relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 18, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I was looking into some insight if relationships started as affairs work. I definitely thought it might be possible but very unlikely. My fiancé cheated on me with a guy that I hired to help me renovate our home. I wanted to understand what the issue was so we obviously talked and from what I gathered it was that there was no longer any passion in the relationship. She said she loves me but more like a family member or a brother. I didn't buy the passion thing and view it as an excuse really. All relationships go through stages of intoxication because everything is new but after a time those hormones come back down to normal levels and hopefully what you have built is more rewarding and worth nurturing. Passion can always be rekindled but it does take two to tango as they say. If one runs away then it just shows they were never really selfless and ready to work at it. It shows they are narcissistic and selfish. Because I am a nice guy and actually loved her I told her that staying with the guy is not going to end well and that if they both continue down this path eventually there will be more to pay. I feel a sort of delight in knowing my suspicions are more likely true but it also hurts me to know that she is going to have a very hard time in the future. As far as me I'm all good, working on bettering myself and surrounding myself with good people. Got a promotion at work and kept the house. The only thing that bothers me is if one day she ends up at my door begging me to take her back. Not sure what I would do with that.
This happened to me too, Im sorry you are dealing with this. I still can't get over the fact that I was with my soon to be ex-husband for over 12 years. We had just gotten legally married in 2020 so only nine months of marriage. He had an affair with his coworker and literally had her staying at our home the next day. I just don't get it, Im such a loving, open, fun and bubbly person and I love him with all my heart. Why do you think people do this stuff? Voids/childhood trauma?
Eva, You can find possible explanations in other articles we've written under the Cheating topic as well as the in-depth page on a Cheating Spouse in drop down header. Yes, "Voids/childhood trauma" can be factors. It's almost always a variety of reasons though and not just one. An important piece is that it has more to do with him than you, so be careful not to obsess too much on trying to figure out why you weren't enough. Nevertheless, looking for things you could have done differently is always wise in helping you in the future. -Dr. Kurt
My ex sounds similar to yours Ben. My partner cheated one night with a girl he met in a bar. We had been together 2.5 years, he said she 'gave him the fire' and it was 'the best physical connection he'd ever had' to my face the next day after it happened. He ran off with her. They have been together 10 weeks and I hear from friends he's really happy and get pitying comments of 'you deserve to be happy too'. But at the back of my mind, I know...this won't last. Look how it started and he has a wandering eye. I am looking forward to the day karma hits. She knew he had a long term girlfriend and it didn't stop her. Once that passion fades, it will crash. He told me as he left 'we had something special, you are the best partner I ever had, but the spark had gone.' Yeah well, it turned into a deeper love and two have to work to keep the spark alive! Watch this space for the inevitable regret that will come.....I hope I find someone better soon.
So Ben Hi, just wondering did she come back? did you take her back?
My fiance did exactly the same thing to me. 1 month from our wedding day she phoned me at work to say she had slept with an ex boyfriend (who is married with 4 kids) from many years ago. We initially tried to rekindle things but then he left his wife and came running for her and she dropped and ran to him. Been a really tough time figuring out what the reasons were. Needless to say I am happy to read this article. it shows that relationships born on lies and deceit will most likely end in a crash landing. I hope it does sooner rather than later. I still love her...not sure what I would do if she came back to me.
Our wedding date was supposed to be in 2 weeks time, so this is all very fresh. Confused and sad.
Got to pick up the pieces of my life and sell a few properties we had purchased together while she lives it up with him...
I have had 6 affairs with wives . The thing that drives an affair is that it is exciting whereas sex in a marriage is a necessity but it becomes mundane . An affair is, in fact, the reawakened power of love .In time, of course, sex in an affair becomes mundane . The problem is that that marriage is an artificial thing driven by security.Sex is driven by nature and thrives on excitment and love . The two are not the same thing .My suggestion is have an affair but keep it secret .It will die down in time and if you are needy to feel the excitement of initial love at some time in the future , well that is up to you