What You Should Do When Your Wife Cheats On You

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Contents

What Should You Do First If Your Wife Cheats On You?
Should I Confront Her And Ask Why She Cheated - Does It Matter?
If She Cheated On Me It's Over, Right?
Why Would She Cheat On Me If She Still Loves Me?
Takeaways When Your Wife Cheats
What Readers Have To Say (100+)

Your wife cheats on you – now what?

Cheating is typically one of those things no one thinks will ever happen to them.

In fact, statistically speaking, it isn’t likely to – although the numbers are increasing. Of course, statistics don’t mean much to someone who has experienced it.

So, what do you do when you find out that your wife has cheated (or is cheating) on you and you’re now one of those unfortunate few?

Infidelity is one of the most painful things to go through in a relationship.

Betrayal
Hurt
Anger
Feeling that you have somehow failed or driven her to it

are just part of the emotional turbulence you’ll experience and not something for which you can really prepare.

So, if you find yourself having to figure out how to handle things after your wife cheats on you, there are a number of things to consider.

What Should You Do First If Your Wife Cheats On You?

First, take a deep breath.

Whether you suspected it, or it comes as a total surprise, this is emotionally jarring news. And it hurts – really hurts.

When you've found out your wife has cheated your initial reactions will be driven purely by emotion.

The order and expression of these emotions can vary from man to man, but everyone will experience some version of anger and sadness.

Some men will feel sad and hopeless initially, others will feel angry and vengeful.

Regardless of the order, strong feelings will surface and need to be dealt with.

So, what things should you do if your wife cheats on you? And equally as important, what should you not do?

Don’t let your anger get the best of you

Your wife has become emotionally or physically intimate with another man. A common (and understandable) reaction from most men is anger.

Anger can push even the most rational men into making bad decisions. Don’t let it.

Becoming verbally abusive or physically violent with your wife, or possibly the man with whom she’s had the affair, will not gain you anything and can potentially sink any hope for fixing things.

Do channel your emotions

Men often feel the need to relieve emotions in a physical way.

Do you feel like yelling at someone or punching something?

Try finding a way to relieve these feelings in a safe, effective way.

Take things out on a punching bag at the gym, go for a long run, hit balls at the batting cage, or whatever physical activity that allows you to burn off some of the adrenaline, anger, and hurt that are racing through you.

Stop and think

What’s next?

What do you want?

Do you want to stay married or was divorce already one step away before you found out about the affair?

This is a good time to consider talking with a counselor. Figuring these things out is not as simple as quiet reflection over a cup of coffee, or even a conversation with a good friend.

Often the assistance of a qualified marriage counselor can help a great deal in gaining the clarity you need to determine the best next steps.

Dr. Kurt has counseled many men and couples that have been affected by infidelity and it can be difficult (but not impossible) to get past. According to him,

How you respond when your wife cheats is crucial as it sets the tone for everything that will follow. Most men's anger and pain leads them to an impulsive response that just drives their partner further away, and often makes her more resolved to continue the affair or leave. Questioning whether or not you want to stay married to a wife who cheats on you is understandable and normal. Answering that question, however, should take some time so that it's made intelligently and not emotionally. Recovering from an affair is really, really hard and is most sucessfully done with a professional counselor who's been through it before."

Should I Confront Her And Ask Why She Cheated – Does It Matter?

Yes, the why does matter and knowing what motivated her will help you figure out what to do next.

The reason she cheated will vary a great deal from woman to woman, but cheating is clearly a sign of trouble in the relationship. You need to learn more about the underlying problems in order to fix things.

Ultimately, however, cheating has less to do with you as a partner and more to do with her personal choices.

Figuring out the reasons it happened can be a process though. And it's an important piece when you're determining what to do when your wife has been caught cheating.

It won’t make things okay – there is no real justification for infidelity. It can, however, help you as a couple actually understand how you ended up here.

If She Cheats On Me It’s Over, Right?

Not necessarily.

Surviving infidelity is possible and could actually be the beginning of a healing and growing process. Many relationships have been able to get past an affair and be better on the other side. It’s not an easy task though.

You’ll both need to be committed to the work it will take to bring things back to a healthy place. Reconnecting and getting back to that place can take time, however, so you’ll need to have patience as well.

Why Would She Cheat On Me If She Still Loves Me?

One of the hardest pills to swallow when your wife cheats on you is the idea that she may no longer love you and is potentially in love with someone else. This may not be the case, however.

It’s a natural leap to go from “She cheated on me” . . . to “She doesn’t love me anymore.”

Afterall, if she loved you she wouldn’t have cheated.

Not so fast.

Many people who cheat claim to still love their spouses and don’t want to end things.

It seems counterintuitive, but there are lots of reasons women give for cheating.

Some of the most common include,

Feeling bored
Not feeling loved by their husbands
Wanting to feel young and attractive to someone
Going through a midlife crisis

None of these things should be accepted as justification. But they’re often accompanied by, “I still love you.”

They also help illustrate how cheating can be the result of other problems in your marriage.

One of the things you need to do if your wife cheats on you is to think about and accept the part you’ve played in the problems in your marriage.

Takeaways When Your Wife Cheats

To say that dealing with an affair in a relationship is difficult and painful is an understatement. It’s one of the hardest things any couple can face.

But remember that you got married for a reason. Those reasons are likely to still be there, even if they’re buried under mountains of life and marital problems.

Figuring out what to do when your wife cheats on you will likely take the help of a counselor and belief in the foundation that you built early on. But, if you're committed to your marriage and recovering what you once had, anything is possible – we've seen it happen many, many times.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 29, 2018, updated on June 14, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.