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- Midlife Crisis Divorce Talk
- How Midlife Crisis Leads To Divorce
- Midlife Crisis Divorce What To Do
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If you're contemplating a midlife crisis divorce, push the pause button and read this first.
Regardless of whether you're the person making the choice to end it or the one that divorce is being forced upon, take a couple of minutes to read this article and see if you can see yourself somewhere in it.
I’m often asked if a midlife crisis means divorce.
The statistics on divorce can certainly make it easy to think so.
After all, when your partner checks out, often moves out, and shows no interest in coming back, or even worse, has a midlife crisis affair, what else are you supposed to do?
A divorce may seem like the only option.
It's also easy to let you mind go to the worst-case scenario. You've lost him (or her) and things are over. You’re imagining –
- The life you built
- Family you created
- Home you share
He (or she) may have even said they’ve fallen out of love, or that they love you but aren’t in love with you. In some cases people claim they married the wrong person as they try relive their youth and add up all the things that have kept them from achieving their goals. (Becoming a pro surfer? Were you really what held them back?)
While it's true that a person experiencing a midlife crisis is lost, it's not true that every midlife crisis has to lead to divorce.
A midlife crisis is as confusing for the person experiencing it as it is for those that love them. It can cause a temporary loss of perspective and understanding for both partners. Unfortunately, its during this confusion that many midlife crisis divorces occur.
However, when you as their spouse take a step back and make an effort to better understand this, it can really help you in making the difficult decisions you’ll need to make going forward.
Midlife Crisis Divorce Talk
So, back to the question - do all midlife crises end in divorce?
No, they don’t.
Here's a not so unusual example:
My husband told me 5 months ago he wanted a divorce and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He was going to leave after the holidays. They came and went and he stayed. He was going to leave in February, then it was eventually, now it is after our daughter graduates. He asked me to attend his family Easter dinner with him, but still insists he is done. I am not sure that he is and that is why he hasn't left even when I told him to. I think he is having a midlife crisis and doesn't know what he is doing." -Liz
Liz's husband is pretty typical example of what a midlife crisis divorce often looks like.
She's right in concluding that he "doesn't know what he is doing." Confusion and contradictory behavior are common during a midlife crisis.
Men in midlife crisis are lost, and unsure and uncertain of what they really want.
Often, they’re hearing the ticking of time passing them by and have a desire to chase after anything they think will make them feel less unhappy. This can lead to erratic behavior and irresponsible choices.
These may include:
- Seeking new adventures
- Living a single life
- Promiscuity and affairs
- Going back to things they enjoyed in their 20s
- And a desire for divorce
How Midlife Crisis Leads To Divorce
Part of what drives a midlife crisis is dissatisfaction and a desire for things to be different. However, this isn’t unusual at middle life.
During midlife most people want to make some kind of changes. This is commonly referred to a midlife transition and is a reevaluation and reordering of priorities.
Not only is this natural during these years, but it’s also healthy. And it’s not the same as a midlife crisis.
A midlife crisis goes beyond reevaluating and making some adjustments. Someone going through a midlife crisis makes drastic and severe changes in an almost desperate manner.
One of the easiest and most immediate things to change is your relationship.
So, it's typical for men talk about divorce or say they want a divorce during a midlife crisis. Yet many never follow through with it.
Because saying they want to end the relationship keeps their partner at a distance, however, and gives them power and control. But more than anything it just comes out of the confused state they're in as they try to determine what they should change so they'll feel happier.
He just wants to do his own thing, that really is the only other reason he can give me. 4 months after moving out, he has decided he wants to divorce. He pops round occasionally to see our son and on leaving gives me a hug and kiss on cheek! The divorce is now going through. I am still in utter shock and cannot believe my once adoring loving kind appreciative husband has turned into this selfish person. I honestly do not recognize him anymore. Both of our children think he has been abducted and replaced with an alien. He has joined the gym, bought a fast car, started drinking again, something that he did give up as it always caused arguments, he has changed his style of dress and booked himself a holiday and flew off into the sunset. I am just trying to understand what has happened to my husband, my marriage etc. Nothing makes sense anymore." -Tiffany
Does Tiffany’s husband sound familiar?
There is a reason that the stereotype exists and her husband is displaying some of the classic symptoms of a male midlife crisis.
Midlife Crisis Divorce What To Do
What should you do if you’re facing a midlife crisis divorce?
Here are a few suggestions. Although it should be understood that in any situation so fraught with emotion and pain these are much easier said than done.
- Don't panic or overreact. Nobody can get divorced overnight. A divorce takes time to finish, so take a breath and slow down. A calm and clear head is needed to get through your partner’s midlife crisis.
- Don't take him at his word when he's acting crazy and confused. You'll probably find that he contradicts himself a lot and says one thing but does another. When someone is acting like this it's not wise to put a lot of value in what they say.
- It’s possible you’ll reach a point when divorce is what you choose to do, but until then it's best to move slowly. Choosing divorce during a midlife crisis can lead to many regrets, so it’s best not to rush into anything.
Thank you for your advice about 'giving him space'. After two years of being treated like a discarded piece of garbage by my husband of 20+ years, going into my own depression and experiencing anxiety over what was happening in our marriage at this point complete with texts and emails urging him to recognize what he was throwing away etc. I decided to give him is space. Just a few weeks later he started reaching out to me and told me he was ashamed etc. and I latched onto it immediately and started to get my hopes up. I was wrong - he immediately started trying to manipulate the situation so that he could come back and continue to live as a bachelor and do what he pleased as, after all, it's he who is going through the midlife crisis and we should do whatever it takes to 'entice' him to stay etc. I refused, felt like I had taken a huge step backwards in my own recovery, felt even worse about the fact that our children also felt like there was hope and then realized that they were not on his agenda of people he liked to spend time with either. 6 months later we're a month away from when I can legally file for divorce and he's started reaching out again. I'm so glad I gave him his space because it was just the space I needed to realize that he has overstepped every boundary of our relationship (and I'm very open minded) and now I'm in a place where I actually realize that I have a fortunate life with many positives." -Charlotte
Although midlife crisis and divorce often go together they don't have to and really shouldn't.
Divorce is a life altering decision that should only be made when both partners are thinking clearly and not overrun by emotions.
While moving slowly and keeping things in perspective is crucial, if you're dealing with a partner who says they want a midlife crisis divorce don’t completely ignore the talk or threats either. It’s true they may go away or never materialize, but you still need to work to get things back on track.
What To Take Away
Yes, the prospect of a divorce is certainly scary and can inspire frightened and desperate behavior, but you can instead choose to try and understand the midlife crisis your spouse is experiencing.
With more knowledge you’ll be much more effective in helping them to better understand the reality of what they’re going through and about to lose forever.
It can be hard to keep a clear head when such a large part of your world is being threatened. So, when you’re facing the prospect of a midlife crisis divorce, keep the following things in mind:
- A midlife crisis doesn’t have to mean divorce. You shouldn’t assume that this is just the way things go and accept it.
- There are a lot of confusing feelings for someone going through a midlife crisis. Divorce can seem like the quickest way to ease their pain and find happiness.
- If your partner starts talking about divorce, don’t just dismiss it either. No matter the reason or level of seriousness, talk of divorce should be a red flag that there are serious issues that need to be addressed.
- If things during a midlife crisis have reached the point of divorce talk its very likely you need the help of a professional counselor. An experienced counselor can help you navigate the midlife crisis hopefully to its end and help you save the marriage.
Everyone involved needs to remember the person in a midlife crisis is lost.
It's very important for both partners to remember this fact. And so, the advice in this article actually applies to both the partners when either is considering a midlife crisis divorce.
Did you see yourself somewhere in here?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 13, 2016, updated on August 18, 2020 and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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