Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Being in the middle of a midlife crisis can seem pretty hopeless – whether you’re the person having one or their partner. So, it’s understandable (and normal) to wonder if your marriage can survive a midlife crisis.
Regardless of who’s asking, “Can a marriage survive a midlife crisis?”, it’s almost always the partner of the person in midlife crisis doing the research to find the answer. The person in the middle of the crisis isn’t usually seeking answers about what’s going on with them, because they’re too focused on trying to find ways to change how they feel.
Linda, Amber, and Therese are all examples of partners searching for answers. They each want to know if their marriages can survive their husband’s midlife crises, while their husbands are behaving erratically and selfishly.
For instance,
Do these marriages seem hopeless?
They’re not.
All three are in counseling with me.
Sean actually comes to counseling together with Linda. Peter still comes by the house a couple of times a week to see their college-aged kids, and Vincent told Therese a couple of days ago he wants to pause the divorce proceedings.
Which of these marriages will survive their midlife crisis is still unknown. But there are reasons for hope in each one.
I am not aware of any research that provides specific statistics that answer the question as to what percentage of marriages survive a midlife crisis. And if there is anyone citing a number, I’d be a bit skeptical about the accuracy of it.
I treat midlife crises every day (and have for over 20 years) and I don’t even know the percentage that survive.
I personally know many marriages that have survived, but I also know many that haven’t. In fact, for many of the couples I counsel who are dealing with midlife crisis I don’t know the ultimate outcome of the marriage.
I am a husband trying to survive my wife’s midlife crisis. I feel I’ve tried everything but she’s completely lost connection with me. I’m at a loss of what I can do to save our marriage and give her the right support, which is hard when she’s got the mindset she wants nothing to do with me, but still shows little signs that she does.” -Eric
Here are some factors that complicate the ability to answer the question about whether marriages can survive a midlife crisis.
Unlike a disease such as cancer, where tests can be done to determine if the cancer cells are still present, there isn’t such a way to measure the existence or absence of MLC.
Now this doesn’t mean it’s in a crisis stage for that long (although it can), but the underlying happiness that drives it can stay around for an extended period.
Cheating, depression, addiction, and other mental health issues all often accompany a midlife crisis and create additional complexities.
While an affair can end, or extreme alcohol consumption may lessen, that doesn’t mean the cause of the midlife crisis has been resolved. Only that the outward symptoms are gone (or most of them anyway).
Many people are cancer survivors. However, it’s not uncommon for cancer to return again. And the same can be said of midlife crisis.
Unlike cancer where people can be tested and found cancer free, a person whose gone through a midlife crisis may seem to have recovered, but that doesn’t mean the factors that caused the MLC are gone.
It’s extremely common in a midlife crisis for the underlying causes to go untreated.
This means that surviving a midlife crisis can just be making it through still married, while none of the issues that caused it have been fixed.
For example,
Sean and Linda are still living together. In fact, they’ve been together since high school. They come to counseling together too.
His midlife crisis began 20 months ago – or at least that’s when the outward obvious signs began when he cheated. They started therapy 2 months ago (only after 18 months of craziness).
We’re making progress, but again he’s still communicating with the other woman and is stuck on what he wants to do with both his marriage and the affair.
This week in counseling he said that when he gets off work,
I want to keep on driving... Going home stresses me out... I feel overwhelmed when I walk through the door... I often think about leaving and being on my own... I just want everything to be over with.”
Unfortunately, most partners think like Linda and believe surviving a midlife crisis is just getting their partner to stay and forget about the other woman. But even if that happens, how will she know Sean’s inner thoughts and feelings, like the ones above, are gone?
Here’s another example:
My husband is in the midst of his disruptive midlife crisis and left us his family a month ago. I love him very much and I’m not giving up on him. We've been married for 20 years and our marriage was great until he started his Midlife Crisis 2 years ago. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride since then, especially when it really blew up a year and a half ago when I found out that he’s cheating on me. I need help and advice on how to save him and bring him back home.” -Kathleen
Determining if a marriage has survived a midlife crisis is too often based on still being together and the absence of outward symptoms. This is a BIG mistake.
The desired outcome of a midlife crisis should be more than surviving.
Not only is that too low an expectation in my opinion, but it doesn’t address the most important issue of all – fixing the causes.
Here’s an example of what surviving a midlife crisis can look like:
We have been married for 50 years. 5 years ago survived my husband’s midlife crisis and 5 year affair. Refuses to reach a compromise when I ask for any intimacy. Does love me, few kisses, hugs, friendly, but treats me like a sister - ?? Too old to leave, still love him, but dealing with anger and anxiety, and depression, especially at night in same bed. Hurts too bad to be next to him, so I go to another bedroom, this seems to help me go to sleep. How can I live being content in this situation??” -Sandra
Does this marriage look better, worse, or the same?
It’s not possible for us to know with such minimal information and background, but it doesn’t look better. I’d say that his midlife crisis may not even be over because there are signs of some of the original factors still being present.
Sandra’s marriage is an example of what a marriage can look like after “surviving” a midlife crisis. There are scars, often open wounds are still present, and even signs that the illness is still there just below the surface.
In order to thrive, not just survive, the ending of a midlife crisis has to be about more than returning to what used to be considered ‘normal.’ This means identifying the causes, understanding why the response to them brought about such extreme choices and behavior, and demonstrable work and evidence that changes have been made to resolve those causes.
This process takes time, effort, and usually professional counseling to do properly and effectively, but it is doable. I’ve seen many relationships thrive afterwards – becoming better, stronger, and more satisfying for both partners.
If you’re asking, “Can a marriage survive a midlife crisis?”, the answer is, yes. But surviving isn’t the same as thriving, so be sure to,
Remember, both partners have a choice. You should each ask yourself what you want your lives to look like afterward.
Your marriage surviving a midlife crisis is one choice, not surviving is another. The third option is surviving and thriving too. Which one will you choose?
Is your marriage struggling to survive a midlife crisis? You’re not alone. Thousands of people visit this website every day many in the same situation. Please consider leaving a comment so others can hear your story, and you’ll most likely get some feedback and support.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 09, 2021, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My boyfriend and I have been together thirteen years I love him so much.He doesn't want to let go of the past and move forward.I know he is going thru midlife crisis he doesn't think he getting old.Its so stressful but I love him so much and I know he loves me what can I do to help him and save our relationship
Amy, I'll tell you exactly what to do and what not to do. I'm just wrapping up writing an instruction manual on what to do when your partner is having a midlife crisis. It should be available by the end of the month. Check back for it. -Dr. Kurt
My husband of 23 years told me the night before our anniversary that he was talking to another woman at his work and that he hasn't been happy for a long time, which was a surprise to me. He's agreed to stay and go to counseling, which we've been doing for a month. He says he's feeling better about us, but we can't get through a single week without something happening to break the trust, and I really believe he's still in contact with the other woman. I'm trying not to lose hope. I honestly think ask of the other stresses in our life are what is making him unhappy... not necessarily our marriage... but he doesn't know what's going on. I'm praying the counseling helps, and its still early in the process, but it just seems like we go and then no new actions are taken. Should we be seeing progress, as should I be feeling more secure by now?
Kara, As you said, it's early in the process. I think too early to be seeing a lot of progress, and if you were seeing more you'd need to be cautious about it because progress that lasts is what you ultimately need. Change takes time. You may be right that he could be still communicating with her. Rarely do those relationships just end. They typically start and stop over and over again before finally ending. I hope your counselor is giving you both action oriented instruction and homework. If not, you may need to find another one. -Dr. Kurt
I'm not sure exactly when my husband's mlc started but I know its been over a year. We are still together. He has a young girlfriend he refuses to give up. He says he loves me but isn't in love with me. He also says he is confused but wants me to still be his wife. He also believes there is nothing wrong with him. He seems to be living 2 separate lives. It is very confusing most days. But I'm trying to hang in there after 31 yrs. I love him more than anything in this world. Any advice would be great.
We have been married 45 years , My Husbands job is looking like its going to end , he said to me weeks ago that he was not sure if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me . I have been devastated . I am trying to be supportive to him and strong , but in reality I am over the top Anxious . He had been better , sending me heart emojis and not striking out . Just trying to figure how what to do . I don't want us to break up . I love him .