What Mistakes Do Wives Make When A Husband Is In Midlife Crisis?

5 Min Read

Contents

How To Face Your Husband's Midlife Crisis
What You Can Do To Help A Husband Experiencing A Midlife Crisis
Takeaways About A Husband's Midlife Crisis
Reader Comments (343+)

Experiencing a midlife crisis can upend anyone’s life, as well as the the lives of those they love.

When it’s a husband’s midlife crisis, however, many wives go into crisis management mode and feel they must do something to fix it.

Typically, the need to fix problems is more of a male instinct, but it can be hard for any of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So, when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis, most wives find it very hard to do nothing.

One of the biggest mistakes a wife can make with a husband in midlife crisis though is pushing him to “fix” or change his behavior. Often a wife’s response, although well intended, will just drive her husband even deeper into his midlife crisis.

Recently, a wife whose husband is having a midlife crisis asked me to give her some guidance on what to do. Here’s how she described their situation:

My husband of 21 years together 25, abruptly asked me if I was happy. Told me he wasn't and then he said ‘I don't love you anymore.' He's 48 and military and works 6.5 hours from home. I did the wrong thing and pleaded for a chance to work on it with him. We have 2 sons about to move to college and have talked about all the fun trips and things we will get when back to together soon, but now this suddenly came out? I see all the actions and behavior of a husband in midlife crisis, but what do I do?" -Nancy

How To Face Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis

So, what should Nancy do?

Although difficult, she’ll need first to accept that she can’t change him. Second, she needs to understand that what can do is influence him.

When you see the man you love destroying his life and yours in the process, it’s really hard not to intervene. But to have the best outcome you've got to be strategic in how you respond.

Finding the most effective way to face your husband’s midlife crisis requires a calm mind.

Anyone whose spouse has had a midlife crisis knows that keeping calm and looking at things logically during this time is extremely difficult. The emotions attached to what you’re dealing with can just be overwhelming.

What does it look like to influence a husband’s midlife crisis?

Here are 5 dos and don'ts that can help accomplish this:

1. Do give him space

Although this will be hard for wives to hear, one of the contributors to a husband’s midlife crisis can be his relationship with his wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor,' not cause.

It's important that wives hear this difference and not be personally hurt by the idea they could be part of the problem. Wives should remind themselves that they can’t fix their husband's midlife crisis – only he can do that. And the best way to help him to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So, give him space.

2. Don't label the problem

It's okay to try and understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men, any suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or being depressed, will be met with pushback. If you label his problem you could lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.

3. Don't focus on symptoms

The reason for this is similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband may already feel that you either "nag" him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the symptoms of a husband’s midlife crisis. it's possible he’ll only hear you “criticizing” him.

4. Do comment on harmful changes

Rather than pointing out midlife crisis symptoms to your husband, suggest ways the changes you see are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "You seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."

5. Do give hints at the possible problem

Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband in midlife crisis is because it’s far more important to discover and address the underlying cause. When you have an idea of the possible reasons he’s facing a midlife crisis you can be much more effective in helping him.

I work with men and women dealing with midlife crisis on a weekly basis. Some common causes I see for men include:

Feeling stuck in a career that has stagnated
Not enjoying being a dad (sorry, but this can be true)
Dissatisfaction with their marriage
Feeling disillusioned with how life has turned out

We’re all inclined to reject the help of those closest to us. Some of this is just human nature, and some traces back to power struggles with our parents.

Sadly, and to our detriment, this tendency can still exist in adulthood as we can reject loved ones who try to help us too. This is why it's so important just to ask, suggest, and reflect on what you see happening during a midlife crisis, rather than directly telling your husband what to do.

What You Can Do To Help A Husband Experiencing Midlife Crisis

A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes that have led him to this point. Understanding what those possibly are can help give you an idea about how you can support him in getting to the other side.

It’s important to know there are no shortcuts, which means you’ll need a large amount of patience.

Unfortunately, handling things poorly can extend a midlife crisis even longer than necessary. Leading to tragic consequences like, money problems, addictions, and even divorce as the impact of a midlife crisis takes its toll.

How a wife responds can make a huge difference in the responsiveness of her husband. Although, I must say that a husband’s response is solely his responsibility. Even though a wife can be a big influence, ultimately his behavior is up to him.

There are significant psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important for both of you. I work with wives every week guiding them on the best way they can influence their midlife crisis husband.

In the meantime, wives can best help their husband by not being 'Mrs. Fix-it' and following the recommendations above.

Takeaways About A Husband’s Midlife Crisis

If your husband’s having a midlife crisis it’s understandable that you’d want to help. Not only is it painful to see someone you love struggling, it’s also likely that his midlife crisis is destroying your life together.

But this is where big mistakes can be made, so remember,

People in midlife crisis often feel justified in their behavior no matter how destructive it is.
You can’t “fix” it for him. He’s got to recognize the problem and do the work himself.
Focus on the effects of his behavior rather than possibly making him feel there’s something wrong with him.
Use the 5 dos and don’ts above to guide you through influencing him to make changes.

If your husband’s midlife crisis has you worried about making mistakes that will make things worse, working with an experienced counselor is a smart move.

Professional guidance can help a man resolve his midlife crisis, as well as keep a wife from making well-intentioned but detrimental mistakes.

Join the conversation and please share your thoughts and experience with a husband in midlife crisis in a comment below.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2012, updated on November 17, 2017, and March 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.