Married But Miserable? 6 Things To Know About Midlife Marriage Crisis

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Contents

Understanding The Midlife Marriage Crisis And Why It Happens
What Are The Signs of A Marriage In Crisis?
Takeaways Regarding A Midlife Marriage Crisis
FAQs

The most common age for marriages to break up is during the mid-40s through early 60s.

This isn’t big news for most of us. We’ve seen, or maybe been, the couple that calls it quits after 20+ years together.

What else does this timeframe signify?

Yep, you got it. Midlife. And during this time of life many couples experience a midlife marriage crisis.

The question is, why?

Understanding The Midlife Marriage Crisis And Why It Happens

A midlife marriage crisis typically occurs between the ages of 40 and 60, but why then and not earlier in the relationship?

I mean, the beginning of marriage can be tough. Especially if money’s tight, careers are new, and you’re starting a family. It seems like all of that would cause fissures and cracks that could cause a crisis or divorce.

It can and sometimes does.

But even with all that turbulence, more divorces happen in midlife. Why?

To start with, there are big differences between these stages in the levels of resilience, energy, investment in each other, and habits that maintain a connection.

Think of your relationship as a home on a cliff overlooking the ocean. When it’s first built it’s amazing. But years of sea spray, salt air, and wind will eventually take their toll, and if you don’t do regular maintenance there will be extreme damage and disrepair.

A relationship is no different. Without proper maintenance it will fall apart too.

In addition, midlife can be a difficult time for individuals as well. In fact, a midlife marriage crisis is very often the sister situation to a midlife crisis.

When a person goes through a midlife crisis they may question and reject everything they’ve built up to this point – career, family, and yes, their marriage. They’re prone to blowing up nearly every aspect of their life and their marriage is often the first thing they target.

Whether it’s,

“I married the wrong person.”
“I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“Life is too short – I want more from a relationship.”

Someone going through a midlife crisis often carelessly and selfishly destroys their marriage, leading to a midlife marriage crisis.

So, do midlife crisis and midlife marriage crisis always go hand-in-hand?

Often, but not always.

A midlife crisis will include a midlife marriage crisis, but a troubled marriage during midlife isn’t always because one spouse is in midlife crisis.

Several factors (similar to wind and sea air) contribute to problems with a marriage during midlife. Many of these are factors in both a midlife crisis and a midlife marriage crisis.

They include,

Major life changes

Midlife is when big parts of life start to change. Children leaving home, career shifts, or retirement loom large, and financial challenges like paying for college or planning weddings can create instability and stress.

Lost communication skills

Over time, many couples fall into patterns of neglecting open and honest communication. The busyness of life may have required them to develop a shorthand approach or limited them to discussing just what was immediately necessary. By midlife, this neglect will have led to disconnection and resentment.

Unfulfilled expectations

When you married you probably had many ideas about what life would look like at this stage. If things haven’t turned out the way you’d planned, especially if you feel like you’ve missed opportunities or are way off course, it’s easy to let yourself grow away from your spouse or blame them outright.

Divergent dreams

As we age our goals and desires evolve. By the time you’re in midlife you and your spouse may have different ideas about what the rest of your lives together should look like.

Sexual incompatibility

Things may have been great at the beginning, but a decrease in libido or lack of interest isn’t uncommon during middle age and can lead to frustration and emotional disconnection.

Boredom

Predictability in a marriage can cause feelings of stagnation, prompting one or both partners to look for excitement outside their marriage.

What Are The Signs of A Marriage In Crisis?

Knowing what can cause the crisis is important, but recognizing the signs of a marriage in crisis is crucial if you want a chance to turn things around.

Dr. Kurt wanted to add this,

The biggest mistake I see partners make is ignoring the warning signs. It's scary to acknowledge that your marriage may be in trouble, but it's way better than waiting until it's too late and one or both of you is done."

If you don’t know what to look for, it’s easy to dismiss things as “just the way they are” or “this is our new normal.”

Some of the most common signs include,

Increased emotional distance.
Frequent arguments and/or resentment.
Decrease in intimacy.
Feeling trapped or craving personal freedom.
Pursuit of adventures and excitement outside your marriage.

And, of course,

Midlife crisis. If one partner is going through a midlife crisis, it will directly affect the marriage and likely drag it into crisis too. These articles provide more information about midlife crisis marriages and midlife crisis divorce.

If you’re reading these signs and checking off boxes, it’s likely your marriage is struggling.

Takeaways Regarding A Midlife Marriage Crisis

A midlife marriage crisis isn’t a given.

However, if you’re concerned your marriage is in crisis, understanding the conditions that make your relationship susceptible can help you know where to start changing things.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore the issues or problems in your marriage and assume they’ll go away. They won’t, and eventually, you’ll find yourself facing a midlife marriage crisis too.

FAQs

Are midlife crisis and a midlife marriage crisis the same thing?

No, however, a partner in midlife crisis will very likely drag their marriage into crisis as well. But a midlife marital crisis can happen without either partner being in midlife crisis.

What should I do if I’m dealing with a midlife marriage crisis?

The biggest impact will be made by improving your communication with your spouse. There can be no solution to any marital problem without communication. You should also consider getting the help of a marriage counselor.