4 Min Read
Contents
- Seeing The Signs Of Male Midlife Crisis
- A Real Example Of Midlife Crisis In Men
- What To Take Away
- Reader Comments (20+)
Confusion is a hallmark of male midlife crisis. The man in midlife crisis is mixed up, his partner is lost, and if there are kids involved, then they have no clue what's going on other than their parents are acting pretty strange.
Another feature of male midlife crisis is change. This is one of the things that makes most partners so confused and scared. A midlife crisis is a cry out for change. And it brings with it a lot of change - often very abrupt, shocking, radical change.
Seeing The Signs Of Male Midlife Crisis
It's very important to recognize and accept that confusion and change are normal characteristics of a man midlife crisis.
Men in a midlife crisis want and need change, but they're usually confused about what exactly that change should be, and thus act in very confusing and even contradictory ways.
Some women think their partner’s midlife crisis could be their fault – it’s not.
Remember, women can have a midlife crisis too, and similarly, when that happens it’s not the fault of the men in their lives either. Yet it's pretty typical for those in crisis to lash out at, attack and blame their partners, which only adds to their partner’s confusion and feeling of culpability.
A midlife crisis can sometimes be triggered by large, traumatic events like,
- Death of a loved one
- Illness
- Change of job or career
The feeling that time is passing, and they haven’t done all they want to do with their life, can make some men react in extreme ways.
They may feel an urgency to recapture their youth or do everything they'd planned to do and haven’t yet accomplished. As a result, they start trying to make drastic changes. All of which is about them, not you.
While everyone is different, there are some behaviors that are common to most males who are experiencing a midlife crisis.
- Selfish behavior that’s insensitive and hurtful to their partner and family
- Sudden and obsessive concern about appearance and health
- Affairs
- Inappropriate or irresponsible spending
- Initiating poorly planned job changes
Although these behaviors aren’t acceptable or excusable, they’re common for a man going through a midlife crisis.
When those affected begin to understand that this is normal it becomes easier to be more understanding and supportive in helping a man get the help he needs. This is key because how we react to male midlife crisis influences the outcome.
I wrote the following post on social media about change. Although it doesn’t specifically address the subject of midlife crisis in men, the message is very applicable.
A Real Example Of Midlife Crisis In Men
At Guy Stuff we deal daily with couples who are affected by midlife crisis. One such couple is Jessica and her husband Steve.
When I first spoke with Jessica she told me she was in "shock." Her husband had come home from work and announced that he was unhappy and moving out. He then packed a bag, said nothing to their 5 kids, and left. According to Jessica, their 19-year marriage has had its share of ups and downs, but nothing like this before.
In the coming weeks after he left Jessica talked with Steve a couple of times, but she still had no idea why he was acting the way he was, and her head was spinning from his repeated requests for more separation.
To say that Jessica is confused by her husband's midlife crisis is an understatement. Ironically, confused is exactly how Steve feels too.
Sure, we could blame Steve for creating the confusion by his actions, but that wouldn't move us closer to fixing this mess.
There’s no question that Steve’s responsible for confusing everyone with his selfish decisions. But it's important to also acknowledge that he's confused too and that's partly why he's acting so irrationally.
As you can see in Jessica and Steve's story, male midlife crisis brings uncertainty and change into people’s lives, and lots of it.
Jessica is understandably panicking over what it all means and how to respond.
The above quote, which I’ve repeated below, is most often attributed to Charles Darwin but is believed to actually have originated in a speech given by Louisiana State University business professor Leon C. Megginson, as he gave his interpretation of Darwin's theory. Regardless of its author, the quote is very useful for our discussion of males in midlife crisis or, to use another term, male menopause.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is most adaptive to change."
This statement could be a motto for how to respond to a midlife crisis.
As Darwin's theory of evolution suggests, being able to adapt to change is a crucial skill for survival. It's also helpful for partners like Jessica to remember that change doesn't have to be bad, although it certainly can be scary at times.
Sometimes necessary change gets forced upon us through painful circumstances, such as a male midlife crisis. As Darwin’s quote suggests, the more "adaptive to change" we can be, the better our chances of survival.
I think we can all agree that male midlife crisis is confusing (and upsetting, and disruptive, and, and, and).
But is it a given?
No, it’s not.
While most people (women included), go through some kind of transition in midlife, it doesn’t have to be a crisis.
What To Take Away
While male midlife crisis isn’t a certainty, when it occurs you can count on it being confusing and complicated.
Remember, the reason midlife crisis is so confusing and hard to sort out is because,
- It’s selfish
- It causes upheaval to everyone’s lives
- The changes that come with it are painful and problematic
- Everyone involved is confused
When we base our responses on the truths that male midlife crisis means lots of confusion and change, we're better able to respond in ways that can find solutions to the confusion rather than adding to it.
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Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 14, 2015, again on April 2, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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