What Are The Symptoms Of Anxiety In Middle Age Men?

middle-aged-man-struggling-with-anxiety-over-finances

6 Min Read

Contents

4 Common Anxiety Triggers For Middle Age Men
Is Anxiety Worse For Men At Middle Age?
The Differences Between Anxiety In Men vs Women
Takeaways About Anxiety In Middle Age Men
FAQs

Men are supposed to be confident and courageous. Ready to take on any challenge. Right?

Well, that’s the stereotype anyway. I don’t know if in reality that’s ever been really true.

The men who stormed Omaha Beach in World War II and faced the high likelihood that they’d be mowed down by the German machine guns as soon as the landing boat gate dropped weren’t afraid?

How could anyone not be?

I think we need to have an honest conversation about anxiety and men, and in particular, anxiety in men at middle age.

In my experience of counseling men for more than 21 years, the subject of anxiety for men is very much the same as depression is for men.

We guys don’t talk about either one.

It's in the rule book on masculinity (you got one of those, right? No? I didn’t either). Regardless, we all know that in order to keep your Man Card the rule is – If you’re asked about feeling anxious (or depressed), you deny, deny, deny.

Which is an effective approach if you want to avoid and ignore, but it’s not a helpful one if you actually want to feel better.

4 Common Anxiety Triggers For Middle Age Men

The reality is that almost anything can trigger anxiety.

And anxiety doesn’t even have to be a bad thing.

Take sex for instance. Most guys like sex and want more of it. Despite that we can still have anxiety about it. There’s even a term for one aspect of anxiety regarding sex – performance anxiety. This most commonly manifests in the form of ED (erectile dysfunction).

Anxiety in men can look different at different stages in life. But anxiety in men can actually be the same at different stages in life too.

Regarding sex, guys can have performance anxiety at 20 or 50. Some have it their whole life. Others have it early on, then get more comfortable with sex and it disappears, and then as they age and their body doesn’t function the same as it used to the anxiety can return.

What are the most common areas for anxiety to arise in middle aged men?

1. Money

Can I earn enough money today to buy dinner tonight?’
'Will we have enough money to pay the mortgage this month?’
'How am I ever going to get these high interest rate credit cards paid off?’
'When will I have enough money saved to retire?’

2. Kids

'How do I not screw them up?’
'I didn’t have a father to show me what to do – I’m sure I’m doing this wrong.’
'How do I keep my teen from getting hooked on drugs/weed?’
'This kid’s never going to be capable of moving out.’

3. Stress

‘I’m exhausted.’
'I sure could use a drink.’
‘I can’t keep up.’

4. Happiness

'I thought my life would look a lot different.’
'I hate my job.’
'I wish I was married to someone else.’

Control is at the center of anxiety. Actually, anxiety is all about feeling out of control.

We all want to feel in control. But this is an especially important aspect for men.

Men are designed to be protectors and providers. Two key survival skills. If we don’t feel in control in those two areas of our lives, we can get anxious – often very anxious.

Here’s an example –

My wife and I are having serious problems. She wants to leave me, does not love me anymore, and I am passionate about resolving our issues and rebuilding our love. We are trying to work through it, but are on opposite pages. We are going to counseling so we can communicate and come to a resolution. I believe that I need some independent advice and guidance as I am having a difficult time processing these emotions and I believe that if the relationship ends, that I probably will not recover on many levels. I am very anxious about the present and my future.” -Wes

Is Anxiety Worse For Men At Middle Age?

Typically, yes. Although anxiety can be significant at any age.

Why would anxiety be worse in men at middle age?

More responsibilities
More expectations
More stressors
More conscious of the need to prepare for retirement or the possibility of no longer being able to work
More awareness of our mortality

More, more, more – of everything.

You can only keep all the balls in the air, plates spinning, for so long.

Many of the middle-aged men I counsel, which is a lot, just reach a point in middle age where keeping up with all of life becomes overwhelming.

They get to a breaking point.

The same goes for women. This isn’t a male only thing. This article just happens to be looking at the topic from a male perspective.

My husband (50) and I have been married 27 years with the usual ups and downs of married life. I came home one day and he told me he was leaving without warning or no hint of issues except that he has had stress at work and has been quite withdrawn over a period of time. He is suffering from anxiety and has been medicated, and any time he sees me he runs away and leaves in his car. He refuses to communicate with me in any form and now has my son living with him and following in a similar pattern. I don't know whether he is avoiding me due to guilt (we are religious and really don't believe in divorce other than infidelity) or whether this is his anxiety getting in the way as he believes that I will try to convince him not to get a divorce.” -Marie

Whatever the real reason is for Marie’s husband avoiding her, he appears to me to be the typical middle age guy who’s gotten to that overwhelmed breaking point and doesn’t know what else to do but run away from his life.

The Differences Between Anxiety In Men vs Women

Difference #1 - Women communicate their feelings – Men don’t (generally speaking).

Most women are more comfortable talking about their feelings than are men. This means that most of the time they’ll admit when they’re feeling anxious. On the other hand, guys will deny or avoid talking about it.

I met with two new couples yesterday. Both women freely admitted they have anxiety. Each about the state of their marriages, although for different reasons. Yet I couldn’t get a single feeling out of either guy.

Difference #2 – Women use specific feelings words – Men use generalities.

The women I saw yesterday said, “I have anxiety” and “I’m feeling anxious.”

Again, their male partners wouldn’t admit any feeling.

Why?

I’m just getting to know each one, so I can’t say precisely. But I’d guess the following would be part of the explanation –

They’re not conscious of how they feel
They’re not used to saying how they feel (specifically, not just “fine” or “okay”)
They believe admitting a feeling is being weak

Difference #3 – Women respond to their feelings and try do something about them – Men ignore them (generally speaking).

These women were in counseling because of how they felt. And wanted learn how to change it. Their guys were there because they were told they needed to come.

The guys either don’t know it or won’t admit it, but they need to be in counseling for the same reason.

My husband at 61 developed anxiety and depression from his job. I am an RN and recognized the symptoms I knew they were job-related because I was going through the same symptoms as upper management. If I leave him alone, he says ‘You see we give space and we are ok.’ Sex is ‘I’m sorry I can’t function. If I give you a kiss you are all over me for hugs and closeness.’ I acknowledge as a nurse and a spouse that I do understand that stress and anxiety is worse in men as they have this side affect that takes their manhood away. What do you do?” -Alena

Alena’s right. Masculinity plays a big part in how anxiety manifests in and affects middle aged men.

Takeaways About Anxiety In Middle Age Men

Here are the key takeaways about anxiety in men at middle age –

The biggest triggers are typically money, kids, stress, and happiness.
The risk of anxiety really does get worse with age.
The biggest challenge dealing with anxiety in men is that when it comes to feelings they typically use no words, talk in generalities, and ignore dealing with them.

FAQs

How can you help a middle age man with anxiety?

Don’t tell him what to do (e.g. – “You need to get help”). Instead, suggest by commenting on the negative ways you see it impacting him and how getting professional help could be beneficial for him.

How do you get a man with anxiety to get help?

Again, don’t take the direct approach and make an appointment for him. He needs to own taking care of himself. Instead, offer a benefit – “I sure love to cook for a man who takes care of himself.” Or, “There’s nothing sexier than a man who admits how he really feels.”

Know a middle age man who has anxiety? Tell other readers what that looks like and how it impacts you.