More Than The Blues – How To Help Your Wife With Postpartum Depression

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7 Min Read

Contents

What A Husband Needs To Understand About Postpartum Depression
Obvious And Lesser Known Symptoms Of PPD
Postpartum Depression May Not Look Like Depression At All
Helping Your Wife With Postpartum Depression
What To Take Away

One of the most joyous and emotional moments in any person’s life is the birth of their child.

The weeks following that birth are transformative and no less emotional. The Instagram version of those weeks is all sweetness, snuggles, and love. But for many women those weeks look vastly different.

Postpartum depression is a complex and often misunderstood condition that affects many mothers. If you’re a man trying to help your wife with postpartum depression, you’ve got a big and difficult job.

A woman suffering from postpartum depression is robbed of the happiness this time should bring. And worse, the newborn baby and your growing family are robbed of what they need to create strong, healthy bonds.

But because the signs and symptoms are often overlooked, it can be very difficult for a new mom to know what’s going on with her, and especially challenging for a husband to know how to help his wife overcome postpartum depression.

What A Husband Needs To Understand About Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is more than just the “baby blues,” which refers to the normal emotional and hormonal upheaval that’s common within the first 2-4 weeks after giving birth.

Women during this time often experience sadness, irritability, and brain fog as their bodies recover from childbirth. Many men experience a form of this too.

But when those feelings persist and deepen, or other symptoms creep in, it can be a sign of something more serious.

Postpartum depression (PPD) can occur anytime within the first 12-18 months after childbirth. Just because a woman may seem fine initially doesn’t mean she’s not vulnerable to developing PPD later.

The continuing hormonal shifts, stress of new responsibilities, and changes in lifestyle and routine can all contribute to the development of PPD. Even the cessation of breastfeeding, if that’s part of a mother’s practice, can tilt the scales and have emotional repercussions.

Any husband who wants to know how to help his wife with postpartum depression needs to understand that PPD is a medical condition and not a reflection of a woman’s love for her child or ability to parent.

Obvious And Lesser Known Symptoms Of PPD

Most people associate postpartum depression with,

Sadness
Hopelessness
Lethargy
Inability to connect or disinterest in the new baby

These are most certainly hallmarks of PPD, and a husband who’s concerned about his wife developing PPD needs to take action if he sees these symptoms.

But those aren’t the only signs of postpartum depression that a husband should watch for.

Understanding what the lesser-known symptoms are is crucial and can help a man intervene early when his wife is experiencing PPD.

Some of those symptoms include,

Physical aches and pains

There are many normal aches and pains that come along after delivering a child, especially if there’s a C-section involved. Because these are common during the recovery period, unusual complaints or complaints that go on longer than they should are often overlooked.

However, persistent headaches, joint pain, digestive distress, or other odd issues can be a physical manifestation of PPD.

So, a husband wanting to know how to help his wife with postpartum depression, needs to be aware of unusual or long-lasting physical problems.

Irrational anger and irritability

Most of us expect sadness to be the biggest sign of depression, but some women with PPD become quick to anger or disproportionally irritated with normal things.

For a new mom, feeling overwhelmed can lead to frustration and heightened sensitivity to everyday daily stressors and can send her down the pathway to PPD.

Feelings of guilt and inadequacy

Many women have a preconceived notion of how they should feel and what they should be doing as new moms. When their own experience is different from what they’d imagined, it can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy that are difficult to overcome.

Helping your wife with postpartum depression also means being her biggest cheerleader. She needs to hear positive feedback about how she’s parenting and managing the changes.

Fear

Nothing focuses a person on the scary aspects of the world like a new baby.

If your wife becomes hyper-focused on doom scrolling, the 24-hour news cycle, the latest possible pandemic, or mapping out those on the Megan’s Law site, you should be concerned.

Inability to sleep and get rest

It’s no secret that new parents don’t get much sleep. But women who can’t sleep even when given the chance, or sleep but never seem rested, may be suffering from postpartum depression.

Conversely, sleeping excessively could also indicate PPD.

If your wife can’t fall into a normal (new normal) sleeping pattern, she may need help with postpartum depression.

Postpartum Depression May Not Look Like Depression At All

For some women, the “depression” designation in PPD is a misnomer and can confuse your ability to help her with postpartum depression.

My own experience with postpartum depression falls into this category.

As a new mom, I was tired, stressed, and overjoyed with my daughter. All very normal.

What wasn’t normal was that I became sickeningly anxious about being alone with her. Not because I was worried I’d hurt her, but because I was afraid I would die while alone with her and she’d be left alone and unattended.

I became obsessed with every odd pain or strange feeling, convinced that I was on the verge of a stroke, heart attack, or pulmonary embolism – none of which were realistic risks for me.

I made a point of being in public or with someone else as much as possible so that when the inevitable happened someone could pick her up, soothe her, and call my husband.

And if I needed to be alone with her, I’d call my husband repeatedly, sometimes crying, sometimes insisting he stay on the phone with me in case something happened.

He had no idea how to help me.

I wasn’t depressed.

I was anxious beyond reason.

I had postpartum depression, but no one knew it because it didn’t look like “depression.”

My husband wanted very badly to help me with my postpartum depression, but he didn’t know that’s what it was and had no idea what he could do.

Helping Your Wife With Postpartum Depression

What could he have done?

There aren’t magic words, and it’s not as simple as taking over diaper duty.

Helping your wife with postpartum depression is complicated. No matter how well-intentioned you are, you risk making her feel worse, minimizing her feelings, or pushing her away.

Dr. Kurt has counseled men in this circumstance before. In his experience,

Strong emotions scare a lot of men. So, for many men helping their wife deal with possible postpartum depression is going to be both intimidating as well as seem like a no-win situation. Much like PMS, they'll just want to avoid it and lay low hoping it will pass sooner than later. Guys don't want to do something that hurts her, makes the situation worse, or for which they'll be attacked for when they're only trying to help. Despite these legitimate concerns, as a man, I'm going to challenge you guys to step up and be the leader that your wife and child need you to be. She's drowning and needs you to help her, whether she knows it or not, so do something to help (she'll thank you for it later).

So, how can you help your wife deal with PPD?

First, encourage her to talk to her OBGYN and be candid about how she’s feeling. Her OBGYN likely has experience in this area and the best way to treat PPD, which may include counseling if needed.

PPD can have long-lasting repercussions left untreated, and it’s stealing her happiness, which in turn affects your child and family, so don’t hesitate.

Next, consider the following tips:

Encourage her to talk to you

Just articulating how she’s feeling can help her. It can also help you understand what she’s experiencing and how it’s affecting her.

Help her gain perspective

Women dealing with PPD have a hard time seeing things from an objective perspective.

You can help her postpartum depression by encouraging her to look at things differently. It may not (will likely not) fix things, but it can help her understand the problem and inspire her to address it.

Be present

If your wife has PPD, it can be daunting and scary. But don’t avoid her or make her feel estranged.

Being present and kind will take strength and patience, but it’s a crucial part of how you can help your wife with postpartum depression.

She and your new baby need to feel your love and support.

Take something off her plate

Life with a newborn is overwhelming. Taking something off her plate can reduce stress. Even something as simple as doing the laundry can provide a little respite.

Word of caution here, though – there’s a fine line between helping and causing her to feel helpless and incompetent. So, test the water and tread lightly. You’ll know if your efforts are helping or hurting.

Give positive feedback

Most women dealing with PPD know there’s something wrong. And they don’t want to feel this way.

Positive and encouraging words won’t immediately change their feelings, but it’s like laying bricks. Each one helps build her up a little more and can make things a tiny bit better.

You just have no idea how many bricks it may take.

What To Take Away

Postpartum depression is a heavy weight to carry for both your wife and you. Knowing how to help your wife with postpartum depression is, in some ways, just as difficult as experiencing it.

If you think your wife is suffering from PPD, remember the following:

Postpartum depression has many different symptoms. If her behavior seems off, it’s worth considering that she may need help.
Suffering from postpartum depression isn’t a reflection of her love or ability to be a good mother.
Your help and support is crucial to her ability to overcome PPD.

Helping your wife with postpartum depression can also be exhausting. As you take care of her, be sure to take care of yourself as well.

Personal note: It took a few months, but with my husband’s support and my doctor’s care, my feelings of anxiety eventually faded and then disappeared. I’ve since had a second child and didn’t experience any symptoms of PPD at all.