Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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Contents
Part 2 of 2
People wonder if there are certain characteristics common to midlife crisis men.
Yes, there are specific thoughts and behaviors that routinely contribute to midlife crisis in men.
In the first article on midlife crisis men we talked about Derek and Lauren (read more about Derek here: Midlife Crisis -- Is My Husband Having One?).
One of Lauren's nagging, unanswered questions about Derek’s midlife crisis has always been,
Why didn't he say or do something sooner?”
Often men (women too) don’t recognize the signs that they're experiencing a midlife crisis until they're deep into it. But by the time they realize what they’re really dealing with, if they ever do, a lot of damage has been already done.
A midlife crisis doesn’t announce itself as it’s setting in. Most of the time it creeps up on the person experiencing it, and then subsequently their family.
Typically, by the time things are really bad a lot of time has gone by, and things have gotten complicated and messy.
If, however, you know what to look for it’s possible to get help and potentially avoid some of the heartache.
Let's take a closer look at Derek and see if we can get a better idea why he didn't realize what he was facing.
Below are a few of Derek’s characteristics that may have contributed to his midlife crisis (these are Lauren's realizations and words, and have come out of her doing women's counseling at Guy Stuff):
Lauren was right to be concerned as she noticed these things in Derek. Although they had been present for some time, his intensifying behavior reached a crisis level and began to not just damage but destroy their relationship.
Since I’ve been counseling him there are some additional things I've noticed about Derek's actions and how he's handled his unhappiness. These are also some pretty common characteristics of midlife crisis men.
See if you recognize any of these in yourself or someone you know:
But Derek never shared those thoughts with Lauren.
But Derek never reached out for help
He's told Lauren that it's not her fault -- the old,
It's not you, it's me."
But if that's the case, how is Derek's leaving really fixing his problems?
Can you relate to Derek in any way?
If you can’t personally relate to Derek, maybe you know someone just like him. His story is actually not uncommon at all.
What about Lauren and the problems she’s having with a husband like Derek?
If you’re concerned that you or someone you love is displaying characteristics of a midlife crisis, keep these things in mind:
Sadly, many men think a lot like Derek and try to fix their unhappiness using the same thinking and actions that caused the unhappiness in the first place. Unfortunately, midlife crisis men often create their own midlife crisis (another common characteristic).
So, don't be a Derek. Get some help.
This is the second article of two discussing midlife crisis men. Read more about Derek and Lauren in the first article: Midlife Crisis -- Is My Husband Having One? Sign-up for our Blog below and get notified of other articles on men and relationships like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 19, 2010, it was updated on April 24, 2018, and again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband is 44 years old, Navy Veteran of 20 years and we have been married since 2001. We had a beautiful 14 year old daughter. Three weeks ago he suddenly got a weekend trip home from his mom for his Birthday. Naturally I was happy for him and said yes go. But he stayed at an Uncle's house about two hours away from her and spent his time with friends he never talked about. When he came home he was distant. He had been talking to a woman friend that he had recently reconnected from high school, recently divorced, with a 14 yr son going thru a gender change. Seems she and he have been talking on the phone at least 3 hours a day. He told me than that she gets him and doesn't judge him. And that the trans kid has been asking him questions about changing to a girl. My husband is not a therapist, he does like to dress up as a woman. We haven't had sex in years, not for lack of trying. He left me a letter saying that he doesn't know who he is any more, wants to separate, get a job back home for more money. He's n been looking to buy a new motorcycle, truck, car to help him with his move.doesn't want a divorce, loves me but not in love w/ me. Wants to fix things around the house, downsize our stuff all before he leaves. We have been talking and I'm trying to give him attention, but not smother. He's giving more time to this woman and the kid than us. They are just friends he says.I'm worried if he leaves he won't be back. Says it will be like a deployment, I said it won't because there won't be a set "homecoming". His family for years has never contacted him or visited us, he/we call or go to them. Now they are going to be his support, along with these other friends he spent time with that birthday weekend. I feel he's going thru a mid life crisis. There is so much more to say.
I think my husband is going through a midlife crisis! We have been married for 13 years, arguments sometimes but I thought things were fine. Then one day, out of the blue, he tells me he's leaving and wants a divorce, he just turned 50. How can 13 years of marriage be over in a few seconds without even a discussion?! It just doesn't seem like this could be happening. He didn't have anywhere to stay for a while and was staying at a hotel, so I don't think there is another woman. It's like he became a cold, robot overnight with no emotions. I cry and feel terrible and he just stands there and can't even say anything to me. He used to be a very down to earth, outdoorsy kind of guy, that is now really concerned about his looks and is even considering plastic surgery. I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with this person and considered him my best friend, and now he's just gone. I'm completely lost and don't know what to do or how to even function because it doesn't seem real.
Hi,
I am in a very similar situation. My husband and partner of 19 years told me only 6 weeks ago that he loves me as friend and a Mum but no longer in love with me.
We had one of those enviable relationships where he was so infatuated with me and deeply affectionate, we have a beautiful life and 3 beautiful babies and I always kept myself attractive (for me) he had been distant but only recently. It’s all just such a horrible shock. We have a beautiful family and we really did have it all. He said I have him no space and that he was just so unhappy. I didn’t see this. He seems to have devalued our relationship and re written history. He has been moved out for 6 weeks and says it’s completely over he fell out of love and not coming back and not prepared to work at anything. He seems to have well and truly moved on, leaving me with a world of responsibility and comforting our children during the emotional fallout.
He sold the family car and got himself a car with a sporty edge and even had it modified. It just feels like his feelings are so recent and very throw away considering we have 19 years.
He said it was like something in his brain switched the way he feels about me. He said he had fleeting thoughts a few months back “I don’t know if this is what I want anymore” he had gotten fitter, had started to climb the corporate ladder and it seemed to change him. We have had some major life stressors this year, I lost my job and it created some financial pressure and I feel he saw me as a burden and started to resent me. I was probably very vulnerable and a little needy but understandably so given my curve balls. I barely hear from him now and if I do very clinical about the children. If I message him he is online but never reads my messages. I asked him why web were having a ex a week before he blurted out that his feelings had changed for me and he said well sex was easy, you are very attractive and have a great pair of boobs and sex isn’t about love. So out of character from the once loving , caring, doting Father and husband. (He is 43 btw) just seems such a quick and recent change and I do feel blindsided as I am still in love with him and we have such a beautiful history. He swears there is nobody else. He had been incredibly stressed this year and not sleeping etc but now I wonder was the stress because of me and how he felt.
Something about the whole thing just seems off.