Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
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When you're struggling with anything it's easy to feel like you're alone and the only one who feels that way.
But there isn’t a problem out there that someone else hasn’t also experienced, so I can assure you you're not alone, no matter what the problem is.
A midlife crisis is no exception.
There are many midlife crisis stories that are likely very similar to your own if that’s what you’re experiencing.
At Guy Stuff we work with both men and women who are dealing with midlife crisis. Although each story has its own unique narrative, there are many similarities.
Here's one midlife crisis story from a lonely, confused woman who’s desperately trying to understand what's happening with her man.
Hi Kurt, I am really confused about this whole midlife crisis story with my husband: I don't know where he is at in the stages of his midlife crisis/transition. He has been staying with his mother but he has also had more than one issue going on.
My husband (age 45) he had a total ankle replacement over a year ago. Was taking the narcotics and I have been noticing the change in him being distance and him not wanting sex, not wanting to communicate, etc. If it was not me every-time initiated it, he would like fold up in a ball like a baby and place blankets between us. I started reading into the signs and symptoms of the narcotics addiction and oh my gosh to my surprise, he was having all the signs and symptoms....unusual thoughts or behavior, fear, anxiety, confusion, sexual desires etc. I learned narcotics are sex drive killers.
Then in August I was sitting at work and decided to text him and I said 'Hello, how's your day? I have noticed you are not you is there something wrong?' And to my surprise he text me back, 'I don't want to be married anymore, I don't want to answer to anyone. I love you and the kids, I am lost, confused, angry and I try and control it, it's me, not you.' WOW! I started crying at my desk and thought, 'Oh my god this can not be happening.'
He started letting his hair grow and everyone has told him but me it looks like crap... :). He would not open up to me as I begged him to, 'What is wrong?" What did I do?' Our oldest daughter and grandchildren moved in with us in July 2014 and he was very upset that I let this happen, he yelled and screamed at me. Then he asked for a divorce, he loved me but he was not in love with me.
Then something clicked for me, he's having a 'Midlife Crisis/Transition' and being addicted to the pills. He was already living at his mom's, I asked him to come home several times that we could work on this and even asked if he would seek marriage counselling, and he said what good is that going to do. He will not even look me in the eyes when he talks to me, he will not communicate with me unless it has to do with him and him only. I will text him and say, 'Hello how are you?' Days he will not text me back. I have asked if there is someone else...He says No or Nope.
He is so secretive about what he does and how he does it. I am not chasing him. My sons and him had a hunt this weekend and he came to the house and got all the stuff ready. And just as they were leaving he would not look at me when he said it, but he said 'YOU LOOK NICE.' I have not heard those words in years.
I have done a lot of reading and I have also printed up papers for him to read stories about Midlife Crisis. He don't answer me if I ask questions. I am just crushed. 'Yikes' My husband acts as if he is a kid in a grown mans body.
I don't text him everyday. I give him space but am I doing the right things? I don't ask about our relationship or where it is going. He has not asked about divorcing. I don't know if he is having an affair that has not been made light of. I am so confused by the mixed signals he gives. He tells everyone to mind their own business.
And I have lost some weight since July when I had planned on losing some weight (I didn't do it for him, I did it for me) total of 40 pounds. As much as I have read on your website and all the useful information, I have educated myself as this is time for me as well: keep myself busy and also work on my love and compassion for others as well.
Please if you can shed some light, is there hope in my life? I will wait out the storm. Does he come to his senses? Wow!! By the way he has not given me back the key to the house, nor has he taken all his stuff." -Brenda J.
Brenda isn’t alone and her midlife crisis story is far from unique. There are many people, both women and men, who have similar stories and are equally as confused. Read on to see what I told Brenda.
I responded to Brenda with the following.
Below are my thoughts on some of the aspects of your experience that hopefully will help you better understand what's going on with your husband.
Having multiple issues happening at the same time isn’t uncommon. Often a midlife crisis is triggered by, or happens simultaneously with, something else – such as a health issue, like your husband's surgery, or a mental health issue, like his drug addiction.
This can make it confusing to discern what’s causing what.
For instance, is your husband's lack of interest in sex due to his narcotics abuse or is it the midlife crisis?
The answer is probably both.
He's confused too. His erratic, impulsive, emotionally driven behaviors are common symptoms of midlife crisis.
Telling you out of nowhere that he wants a divorce is typical as well.
I'm sure he meant it at the time, but it's very possible that he'll change his mind multiple times about this due to his uncertainty regarding what will truly make him happy.
Confusion for both partners is a common theme in stories of midlife crises.
There's also a contradiction in your story of his midlife crisis that you need to recognize.
He told you, "It's me, not you."
And you're asking him, "What did I do?"
I know you're trying to make sense of what's going on with him, but the truth is you won't be able to make total sense of it. Even he doesn't know what's going on.
But he's right that this is more him than it is you.
This doesn't mean you don't have things you could improve on to make your relationship better; rather it means that the core problem lies with him.
So, a better question to ask is, "What can I do to help?" rather than "What did I do?"
You wrote,
'YOU LOOK NICE.' I have not heard those words in years."
For many women these are magical words. And they probably are to you too.
Be very careful not to read into these words more meaning than they really have - like he's interested in getting back together.
He was probably just trying to say something nice to you and nothing more. I could be wrong, and if I am, you'll get other messages from him that show he's interested again. But until then you need to not add extra meaning to this statement.
You say you're not chasing him, and that's good because that's exactly what you shouldn't do.
However, even though you may not intend to, by giving him your research on male midlife crisis and asking him questions about it, you’re trying to fix him. And trying to fix it can be just as bad as chasing him.
It's totally understandable to be confused by the mixed signals he's giving. But his not following through on things is very common. For example, his saying he wants a divorce but not doing anything to make it happen is not unusual at all.
It's possible that he's having some type of an affair, or is doing something else that has his focus, but most often these distractions don't last.
The best thing you can do is to put your attention on taking care of and improving yourself, which it sounds like you're already doing.
If there are things he's told you in the past that bother him, such as caring for your health and appearance, or that you nag him, it would be a good idea to work on changing those things. But do it for yourself and not just because you want him back.
Will he come to his senses?
I can't tell you without talking to him.
The best thing you can do to influence that answer is to get the expert help you're seeking on being on this site.
Talking to a professional counselor with or without him is the next step, and one I'd strongly recommend so you can learn more about what to do in your specific midlife crisis journey.
All midlife crisis stories share many of the attributes that you've described. It’s a confusing and selfish time for the person experiencing it, and often even worse for the people who love them.
Even though you may feel alone and very confused, you're not – far from it.
Hopefully, Brenda’s midlife crisis experience helps you see and feel that. Sadly, many partners go through this.
The good news is that there’s hope.
A midlife crisis can be resolved and it’s possible for things to be better for both of you on the other side. You each may need help getting there, however.
It’s important to understand that not everyone in midlife experiences a crisis. Most of us as we go through those years will experiences changes in ourselves, our thoughts and priorities, but these can be managed and even positive.
A midlife crisis is much more serious and typically reveals long-standing problems that have been ignored, however, as is evidenced by Brenda’s story.
One of the biggest mistakes people in the middle of a midlife crisis make, both the person suffering from one and their partner, is going through it alone.
There’s much about a midlife crisis that can be embarrassing, so it's understandable that you don't want to tell anyone.
And besides, who can you tell that will really understand anyway?
There are professionals like myself who do get it though. Talking to one of us and getting support and guidance can make a huge difference in how you come out on the other side.
Unfortunately, midlife crisis is an all-too-common experience. The good news about this is that it means there’s support and wisdom to be found in what others have gone through in their midlife crisis stories.
Remember,
If you’re looking for more help and support for your own situation, check the over 200 comments below to read others midlife crisis stories. The shared experiences of the online Guy Stuff community can be both comforting and helpful.
Note: If you have a story about a midlife crisis, from a woman's or man's perspective, please share it in a comment below. The more we all share, the less alone we'll all feel.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 31, 2014, updated on January 20, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband seemed to be suffering from seasonal anxiety disorder for the past few years. This year 2018 it was worse than all the years before. I told him he needed to see a doctor. I have been married 32 years and with him 34 years. In Novemeber he told me he needed space. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him. We were still intimate very often but he was very moody and irritable. I went to visit my sister in Florida in Decemember and he would text me and tell me how much he missed me and couldn't wait for me to come home. I was only gone for 3 days. The day I left his mom was admitted into the hospital for a leg infection. Her condition deteriorated on Saturday the day I was returning and my husband was saying I need you here with me. I spent the next 22 days in the hospital with my moother in law. On January 3 there were no more treatment options for her and they placed her in hospice care within the hospital. My husband was loving and compassionate I thought that this crisis would bring us closer together. My mother in law passed away the early morning hours of Jan 6th 2019. That same day my husband and went to clean out his moms apartment which I thought was too soo but I did not discourage him and allowed him to do what he felt was necessary for his comfort. *** Now during this 3 day hospice stay his older sister had a 35 year old friend with her and I noticed he had been making eye contact with her and then giving her alot to things from his moms home...I had asked for a pot from the kitchen before anyone else arrived at his moms home and as soon as the woman walked in he offered her the pot I said I wanted.** I did not day a word.... anyway he told me 3 days later he was done with me and was not coming home. It was only a matter of days and he was already talking to this 35 year old woman and has already moved in with her and given her 17 year old son a car (he owns a automotive repair shop. He keeps asking me why I havnt moved on telling me to find someone else. He was best friend ... this like a death he just disappeared. We raisenourn12 year old grandson and he has nothing to do with him, he stopped going to Cchurch and he cut me off financially. A week after he left me he threw me and our daughter out of our business and changed the locks on the door. I have not even been able to grieve the passing of my moher in law for grieving the separation of my spouse. He is telling lies about me and saying horrible things. He says he wanted to leave me the past 5 years but told our Pastor in Nov that he was having some issues but that he would be ok and that he could never leave me and couldn't live without me. I have given him space, I rarely call him or text me. He is the one that makes the contact first. I miss him so much and can not believe this has happened. I am devasted. The woman is apparently married and he knows she has a history of sleepin around with her co-workers. He knew how she was through his sister and even his sisters boyfriend was trying to hook up with her in the past. I just can not understand how he loved me one day and next walked out of my life and our home. He doesnt see his girls or his grandkids.
I am going through a very similar situation with my husband! It can be very lonely!
My husband is 45, a year ago, he went to a convention in Las Vegas and wanted to move there. He always hated Las Vegas, so I was surprised. He said he was not happy with his job in the state we lived. So I supported him. I was able to keep my job and work remotely. He moved first and I was to follow 6 mos after to make sure he liked his job. 6 mos went by, and he kept pushing me off, making excuses about our rental not being ready. So finally, I moved 4/01/20. He was barely home in the evening because he said his co-workers dogs were alone at night because his co-worker had a GF that was going crazy and he had to stay away from the house for a while. I was due to come back to work in Seattle 2 weeks after I moved, so I went back to Seattle and was going to go back to Vegas. Got a text 2 days after being in Seattle from his GF that didn't know he was married. He joined tinder in Jan 2019 and they met up in Vegas. I was devastated! His behavior are exactly what the women are saying on this site. He lied a lot about our finances where the expenses were going, he spent money left and right. He is a completely different person. He tried to be nice to me and said he needs help and thinks he has a chemical imbalance. He said he needed to do it alone w/o a relationship and that he is sorry and misses me and maybe later when he fixes himself we can reconnect. The next week after he said he never said those words and that he is in love with this girl. After that, I got a divorce attorney and starting the divorce process. I am choosing to move on because he does need help, but I'm not waiting around for that. I have been his crutch for so long with his family issues, and insecurities. If he really wants help, he will do it and I wish him luck. He will not learn to be honest and communicate truthfully with anyone until he gets help for himself. Meanwhile, I know my self worth and I'm moving forward on taking care of ME for once. I will pray for all that is going through this, I don't wish this pain upon anyone.
Yes I am experiencing this :}