Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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If your wife’s emotionally abusive, you might be surprised to hear how many other men are dealing with the same thing. Even so, when it comes to abuse in a relationship, most people assume men are the abusers and women the victims.
This isn’t always the case.
Yes, when it comes to physical abuse it’s more often men who are at fault, but emotional abuse can just as easily be perpetrated by a woman as it can a man. In fact, at Guy Stuff we've worked with many, many men who've confessed that their wife is emotionally abusive toward them.
Below is a question from a man who is dealing with an emotionally abusive wife and my response to him.
Reader Question:
I'm male. Right now I don't know what to do. I think my wife is emotionally abusive. Some days I try to keep my mouth shut. Today I was mentally hurt by her. I was feeling sad. I should have not told her I was sad because all the sudden she screamed at me and told me she wasn't staying at home. Saying how sick of it she is, slamming stuff around. I'm afraid of this behavior. I don't want to be separated from my kids. But I realize my wife emotionally abuses me. I feel like she might be rubbing off on the kids and maybe someday they will be abusive. That is my biggest fear, for my kids." -Ryan V.
Ryan’s right to be concerned about how his wife’s behavior is affecting his kids.
Not only is she hurting him, but she’s also teaching their children that screaming and abusive words are “normal” in a relationship. A child’s understanding of what appropriate behavior looks like comes from what they see in the adults around them, especially their parents.
And obviously, this isn’t a healthy example to set.
My Answer:
Ryan, you've come to an important realization -- there's a problem in your relationship that needs to be fixed. Too many people in emotionally abusive relationships either never get to that recognition or don't get there fast enough.
Congratulations, you've taken the first step towards getting things to change.
What you describe about your wife does sound like emotionally abusive behavior. Some of the signs of emotional abuse are,
Although there may be things you don't know about that are contributing to why she responds this way, the behavior is still emotionally abusive and wrong.
You're right in being fearful about how your relationship is negatively affecting your kids, because it is regardless of whether you can see it or not.
Too often people convince themselves that the kids aren't being impacted because they can't see it. This is a mistake. Children may not understand what is going on, but they can feel the tension, anger, and fear around them. And then they feel the same themselves.
You need to be concerned about your own well-being also. In addition to worrying about how "she might be rubbing off on the kids," you need to think and be concerned about how she is affecting you too.
A characteristic for victims of emotional abuse is not valuing themselves enough.
While people can respond to stress and abusive situations differently, there are some reactions that are common to most.
Among them are the following:
One of the most common feelings in an emotionally abusive relationship is fear. Unfortunately, fear can also make a person feel trapped and stuck.
So, understand that you're not alone in feeling uncomfortable - even fearful - of the aggression and volatility that comes from someone who's emotionally abusive. Most people probably would too.
There's just something wrong about feeling that the person who's supposed to love you actually hates you. The mismatch between expected words and behavior and actual words and behavior only compounds all of these conflicting feelings.
Feeling unsure of what to do is very common too.
Deciding to leave is a big, big decision. It naturally should leave you uncertain about whether it’s the right one.
However, this indecision is also characteristic of another effect of dealing with an emotionally abusive wife - doubting yourself. Abuse eats away at your self-confidence and ability think clearly.
Men experiencing abuse may be reluctant to seek help due to shame triggered by societal stereotypes and stigma. While that’s understandable, it’s also detrimental, unhealthy, and unnecessary.
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Putting up with an emotionally abusive wife doesn’t make you more masculine and admitting that your wife is abusive isn’t a referendum on your masculinity.
Please recognize that emotionally abusive behavior, especially by your wife, is a difficult issue to deal with on your own. Support from a professional counselor is crucial.
If your wife is willing, consider attending couples counseling together. This is the best way to get the help you each need so you both can feel heard and understood. If she's not willing to go to counseling, go without her.
Getting professional help is especially important if there are children present. Not only should they not be subjected to abusive behavior, but it’s also crucial to break what often becomes a cycle of abuse. Children who deal with abuse in their childhood home often become abusive in their adult lives.
One of the biggest problems with emotional abuse is that it can be a difficult truth to accept, even for the person being abused. This is particularly true for men who feel that their wife may be emotionally abusing them.
Too often it becomes what’s normal and accepted in the relationship.
If you’re a man with an abusive wife, keep the following in mind:
If you’re struggling to determine if your wife is truly emotionally abusive then talk to a professional counselor.
Do what Ryan did. Getting the opinion of an objective, trained, and experienced counselor can remove the confusion and uncertainty, as well as learn strategies to help you cope better.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 25, 2010, it was updated on February 18, 2018, and October 31, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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I was in an abusive marriage. My wife is an expert at gaslighting. I knew I had to get out. I tried to leave but she convinced me that she would change and played the part for a few months. It wasnt long before the degrading remarks and emotional abuse resumed. I found comfort in the arms of another and that relationship went on for 6 months. It all came to light and to my surprise, my wife was not acting like she was hurt by the affair. She seemed to be more upset at the image of our family being marred. It was all about appearances. that is what she was in love with. Not God, not me, not anything other than the image of the perfect family. This was part of my awakening. I moved out and got away from the manipulation and head games. She would not file for divorce which disappointed me because that was one outcome of my affair that I was counting on. So I sought couples therapy and after the first session the therapist told usthat he needed to see us seperately. That was my chance to unload and really talk to someone. He openned my eyes to alot of things that I suspected were not right but he explained why. I began to understand more about just what kind of sick person my wife was and that I needed to save myself. He asked me about pornagraphy and I told him that strangly recently I had no desire to view porn. He said this is normal because porn is used as a copeing tool. A lot of technical stuff goes in to all this that I am not qualified to explain. Since I have been seperated I do not even think about such. There is no need for the coping tool.
But I guess long story short, I am out and I am filing for divorce. I will lose my 2 children for a time and probably 65% of everything. It was a difficult decision but I am whole. I have integrity now. I am me. It feels amazing. And one day I will be with my children again I hope. They have been programmed and manipulated and hate me because of all this. The Bible is used by manipulators as a tool of hate and fear. It is used by the Godly as a message of love. Just wanted to share this so that maybe at least one man can find his way out of abuse and realize how to regain himself.
I am so tired of being abused by my wife. I feel like a dog being beaten every day. I am tired and ready to die.
Paul, No one deserves to feel that way. If things are that bad please consider getting help. A qualified counselor can help you figure out what the next best steps are. Above all take care of yourself and stay safe. - Dr. Kurt
Nothing has changed in my relationship. My wife has been abusive towards me since we married 28 years ago. It began as physical abuse, then morphed into extreme emotional terrorism, gaslighting and emasculation- she is quite unique. I've had many heart to hearts talks with her, only to realize that she has no memory of her behavior over the past 28 years or even last month. This past year she has been calmly sitting down with me and telling me she does not even like me anymore, and then threatens divorce - but she does not remember it. I do not know how this is possible. Last week when she ripped into me, I said that I can no longer take her abuse and she acted like it was an unexpected revelation by me to say such a thing. She demanded 28 years of details, but it was pointless since she has no memory of her behavior. Marriage counseling did nothing, she only used it in a threatening manner to abuse me. I give up! The kids I protected from her are all grown and I am finally divorcing her. I will allow her to blame me for it all and take her fair share of the money, just to be finally done with the abusive relationship.