"My Wife is Emotionally Abusive" - Mr. Marriage Counselor

4 Min Read

Contents

Recognizing When Your Wife Is Being Abusive
Common Effects Of An Abusive Wife
What You Should Do If Your Wife Is Emotionally Abusive
What To Take Away
Comments (265+)

If your wife’s emotionally abusive, you might be surprised to hear how many other men are dealing with the same thing. Even so, when it comes to abuse in a relationship, most people assume men are the abusers and women the victims.

This isn’t always the case.

Yes, when it comes to physical abuse it’s more often men who are at fault, but emotional abuse can just as easily be perpetrated by a woman as it can a man. In fact, at Guy Stuff we've worked with many, many men who've confessed that their wife is emotionally abusive toward them.

Below is a question from a man who is dealing with an emotionally abusive wife and my response to him.

Recognizing When Your Wife Is Being Abusive

Reader Question:

I'm male. Right now I don't know what to do. I think my wife is emotionally abusive. Some days I try to keep my mouth shut. Today I was mentally hurt by her. I was feeling sad. I should have not told her I was sad because all the sudden she screamed at me and told me she wasn't staying at home. Saying how sick of it she is, slamming stuff around. I'm afraid of this behavior. I don't want to be separated from my kids. But I realize my wife emotionally abuses me. I feel like she might be rubbing off on the kids and maybe someday they will be abusive. That is my biggest fear, for my kids." -Ryan V.

Ryan’s right to be concerned about how his wife’s behavior is affecting his kids.

Not only is she hurting him, but she’s also teaching their children that screaming and abusive words are “normal” in a relationship. A child’s understanding of what appropriate behavior looks like comes from what they see in the adults around them, especially their parents.

And obviously, this isn’t a healthy example to set.

My Answer:

Ryan, you've come to an important realization -- there's a problem in your relationship that needs to be fixed. Too many people in emotionally abusive relationships either never get to that recognition or don't get there fast enough.

Congratulations, you've taken the first step towards getting things to change.

What you describe about your wife does sound like emotionally abusive behavior. Some of the signs of emotional abuse are,

Volatility
Anger issues
Threats
Aggression
Blame
Personal attacks by the abuser
Fear and self-blame for the victim

Although there may be things you don't know about that are contributing to why she responds this way, the behavior is still emotionally abusive and wrong.

You're right in being fearful about how your relationship is negatively affecting your kids, because it is regardless of whether you can see it or not.

Too often people convince themselves that the kids aren't being impacted because they can't see it. This is a mistake. Children may not understand what is going on, but they can feel the tension, anger, and fear around them. And then they feel the same themselves.

You need to be concerned about your own well-being also. In addition to worrying about how "she might be rubbing off on the kids," you need to think and be concerned about how she is affecting you too.

A characteristic for victims of emotional abuse is not valuing themselves enough.

Common Effects Of An Abusive Wife

While people can respond to stress and abusive situations differently, there are some reactions that are common to most.

Among them are the following:

Fear

One of the most common feelings in an emotionally abusive relationship is fear. Unfortunately, fear can also make a person feel trapped and stuck.

So, understand that you're not alone in feeling uncomfortable - even fearful - of the aggression and volatility that comes from someone who's emotionally abusive. Most people probably would too.

There's just something wrong about feeling that the person who's supposed to love you actually hates you. The mismatch between expected words and behavior and actual words and behavior only compounds all of these conflicting feelings.

Self-doubt and insecurity

Feeling unsure of what to do is very common too.

Deciding to leave is a big, big decision. It naturally should leave you uncertain about whether it’s the right one.

However, this indecision is also characteristic of another effect of dealing with an emotionally abusive wife - doubting yourself. Abuse eats away at your self-confidence and ability think clearly.

Shame

Men experiencing abuse may be reluctant to seek help due to shame triggered by societal stereotypes and stigma. While that’s understandable, it’s also detrimental, unhealthy, and unnecessary.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Putting up with an emotionally abusive wife doesn’t make you more masculine and admitting that your wife is abusive isn’t a referendum on your masculinity.

What You Should Do If Your Wife Is Emotionally Abusive

Please recognize that emotionally abusive behavior, especially by your wife, is a difficult issue to deal with on your own. Support from a professional counselor is crucial.

If your wife is willing, consider attending couples counseling together. This is the best way to get the help you each need so you both can feel heard and understood. If she's not willing to go to counseling, go without her.

Getting professional help is especially important if there are children present. Not only should they not be subjected to abusive behavior, but it’s also crucial to break what often becomes a cycle of abuse. Children who deal with abuse in their childhood home often become abusive in their adult lives.

What To Take Away

One of the biggest problems with emotional abuse is that it can be a difficult truth to accept, even for the person being abused. This is particularly true for men who feel that their wife may be emotionally abusing them.

Too often it becomes what’s normal and accepted in the relationship.

If you’re a man with an abusive wife, keep the following in mind:

No type or amount of abuse is acceptable.
Women are as capable of being abusive as men.
Admitting that your wife is abusive isn’t a reflection of your masculinity.
It doesn’t make you less of a man to get help when dealing with an abusive wife.
Children should never be subjected to an abusive environment.

If you’re struggling to determine if your wife is truly emotionally abusive then talk to a professional counselor.

Do what Ryan did. Getting the opinion of an objective, trained, and experienced counselor can remove the confusion and uncertainty, as well as learn strategies to help you cope better.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 25, 2010, it was updated on February 18, 2018, and October 31, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.