4 Min Read
- What Do Victims Of Verbal Emotional Abuse Look Like?
- What You Should Do If You're Being Verbally Emotionally Abused
- What To Take Away
- Comments (65+)
Wondering what verbal emotional abuse looks like?
Let's start with what it feels like. Verbal emotional abuse feels like getting punched and hugged at the same time.
When you love someone and feel like they love you too, it’s hard to imagine that they could, or would, do anything deliberately to hurt you. Even when they do hurt you it’s easy to explain away their actions with, “he didn’t mean it” or “she was just angry.”
So, admitting that what a person you love is doing to you is verbally and emotionally abusive can be really difficult.
Verbal emotional abuse can also be especially difficult to recognize when you're in the middle of it.
Often a verbal abuser will make it seem like they care for you at the same time they're hurting you deeply.
The wounds from being verbally abused aren’t obvious either, unlike those from being physically abused. They’re subtle, internal wounds, tearing apart your self-esteem and self-identity.
Often victims will blame themselves, believing they’ve done something wrong or caused the abuser to act this way. And abusers will work hard to promote that belief, saying things like,
- “If you hadn’t...”
- “You should never have...”
- “You made me..”
After all, they love you, right?
That’s not love – that’s them . . .
- Blaming you for their behavior
- Denying their own responsibility
- Justifying bad behavior
What Do Victims Of Verbal Emotional Abuse Look Like?
The image of someone being yelled at and told how worthless they are may bring to mind a cowering woman with no self-confidence.
The truth is that victims of verbal emotional abuse come in all forms.
- Accomplished and professional women
- Successful men
- The “I can do everything and still look good” stay-at-home mom
- The masculine and “in-charge” man
and everyone in-between can be victimized this way.
The common denominator is that the abuser is someone they love, and they believe loves them too.
Take a look at what some victims of verbal emotional abuse have to say.
Does any of this sound familiar?
- "I am in a verbally abusive relationship with my husband. I am called stupid, dumb etc...he even tells me I'm stupid for being with him. . . My self esteem is in the gutter."
- "My boyfriend always said it was my fault he called me a names. I shouldn't have been late, because he had prepared dinner. . . I BELIEVED him. . . The abuse happens after they have you believe in them. They make you actually think, it's your fault they can't control yourself. I was brainwashed into thinking I'm fat, unattractive, nobody would want me while he was going to go on living his rocking life."
- "The first time he made me cry he felt so bad I thought it would get better. But it never did. I am called all sorts of names, told to shut the f*** up, that he doesn't want to look at my stupid face. I never get an apology or if I do it's "I'm sorry but really this is your fault."
- "I have been with my husband for 16 years now and the last 10 years have been hell. I never do anything right in his opinion. The food is never good enough, the house never clean enough. I'm not thin enough. He calls me fat and bitch in front of our children and now my little boy has started calling me fat. How am I suppose to react to that? He tells me I am worthless. He will not give me money when I need it. He tells me I don't pay the bills so why should he give me anything? I don't know what to do. I am so lost and alone."
- "Every stressful moment in his life is taken out on me. His insults are so shocking I sit, stunned, as he tries to degrade me. In the beginning, I trusted he meant the things he said, and of course I would cry my eyes out. My face was always puffy from crying. Slowly I noticed how my mind altered due to his insults. My self esteem was a complete zero. . . Ex: 'Your life is a joke.' 'Every decision you made in your life was a mistake.' 'You are a sh*t-head (because I won Trivial Pursuit. How trivial.)' And worse and worse. He often uses what others think against me. . . He uses my insecurities against me."
- "In the beginning I met a great guy, charming, smooth talking, talked himself up to everyone. He was a dream. Once we became official, my clothes weren't right, my hair was too messy, I was a c*nt, I embarrassed him, etc. I was told to have sex twice daily or he would leave me, my self-esteem dropped drastically. I went from successful to lazy and always wanting to sleep. I did everything for him in order to make him happy. His drinking became horrible, his fists hit the walls during a fight. I was never GOOD enough but he "loved me" and everything was for "my own good". Crying everyday, depressed, feeling "crazy". . ."
What Should You Do If You Are Being Verbally Emotionally Abused?
Can you see yourself or someone you love in these stories of verbal emotional abuse?
If so, it’s time to make some changes. That can be easier said than done, but it’s necessary.
If you’re being emotionally abused, take the following steps to begin to get change:
- Start by setting clear boundaries within yourself and for your partner. Knowing and being able to articulate how you expect to be treated, and what you will and will not tolerate is as important for you as it is for the person you love.
- Understand that being treated with respect and dignity is a non-negotiable and is what you, along with everyone else, deserves.
- Know that it’s likely that he or she will need the help of a professional counselor in order make real changes to their behavior.
- If the abuse continues, reach out to a friend or family member that you trust.
- If your partner disregards your boundaries and won’t respect your requests, you need to be prepared to leave. This can be temporary. Perhaps for a couple of hours or days to start.
None of these things are easy. Change in any form is rarely easy, but changing behavior that’s verbally and emotionally abusive is crucial.
What To Take Away
Verbal emotional abuse is particularly difficult because it can feel both angry and loving at the same time. Abusive behavior is manipulative behavior, so it’s very common for abuse victims to end up feeling they’re at fault for the abuse.
If you suspect you’re being verbally and emotionally abused, know this:
- It’s not love.
- Being verbally for emotionally abused is not your fault.
- There’s no stereotype for abuse. Anyone can suffer abuse in their relationship.
- There’s no type or amount of abuse that’s “okay.”
- Real behavior change may take the help of a counselor.
- Actions, not words, are how to measure progress.
If you think you may be a victim of verbal emotional abuse in your relationship, take another look at the real-life examples above. And understand that you’ll almost certainly need professional help to learn what to do.
As the last quote said, verbal abuse can make you feel "crazy," so you'll need a professional therapist to help you recognize the truth and restore the real 'you.'
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 10, 2010, updated on November 06, 2018, and updated again accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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