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Why Do Men Cheat & Blame Their Partner


why do men cheat then blame othersPart 2 of 2

I get asked, why do men cheat, a lot by women. Some questions are both simple and hard to answer - why do men cheat is one of them.

The wife of a cheating man recently asked me to help her understand why do men cheat in more depth. I've answered her 'how' questions in the previous post, How Do Men Cheat. Now, here are my answers to her 'why' questions. Here's part of her original request:

“There are many variations in peoples situations, I know, but a general look at 'common' behaviours & attitudes affair partners may go through would be helpful to those left behind.”

Why do cheating men re-write history & blame everything on their partners? 

In one of my answers in the previous post (How Do Men Cheat) I wrote, “How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.” Since denial is one of the coping mechanisms that cheating men use to mentally make it okay to cheat, rewriting history and blaming their partners shouldn’t come as much of a surprise.

When cheaters rewrite history and blame everything on their partners there’s even less that they have to deny. Men who are cheating will try anything to avoid taking responsibility for their wrong behavior, and re-writing history and blaming others is one of the best ways to do that.

How do cheaters deal with the fact that they've hurt another?

They don’t deal with it since it’s not something that they think about (see the denial technique described above). Cheating is selfish. It says my needs are more important than anyone else’s. When you’re cheating, you’re in “it’s all about me” mode. The obsession on meeting your needs doesn’t allow for thinking about your partner’s feelings. Meeting their needs is at the core of why do men cheat.

Why do the partners who have been left become the bad guy? 

First, see the answer to the first question above. Second, see the answer to the second question above. Okay, now you have some idea of the cheater's mindset. When you're denying reality, seeking to blame others and avoid responsibility, then making your ex-partner the bad guy is really pretty easy and makes sense. Making your partner out to be the bad one, and the one who has done wrong, can make your wrong behavior seem right.

Why do cheating men continue to lie, even when the affair is out in the open?

One of the core components of cheating is dishonesty. Dishonesty is what allows cheating to occur. Lying is like rolling a snowball down hill. Like a snowball, lies just keep getting bigger and bigger, and they're hard to stop once started.

I've worked with cheating men (and cheating women too) who've been lying for so long, and in so many ways, that they've created such a web of lies that even they sometimes don't remember the truth. For some people lying can become a way thinking that's hard to stop.

Why do they become so selfish often at the expense of their own children? 

Cheaters never mean to hurt their children. Some don't mind hurting their partner, but not their children. Sadly, hurting our kids' other parent hurts our kids too.

So if cheaters don't mean to, or want to, hurt their kids, why do they? As I described above, it's because cheaters are in “it’s all about me” mode. Cheaters put their needs above everyone else's, even their kids. Many cheaters are cheating to make themselves feel better (another reason why men cheat), and it's hard to give up something that makes you hurt less, even if it hurts your kids.

What are cheating men thinking, feeling, dealing with? 

This may come as a surprise given how men who are cheating can look so happy and carefree on the outside, but many cheaters are really struggling with the mess they've created. Often cheating men come to me for counseling help because they're very torn-up over the dual lives they're living.

Why do cheaters not show any sorrow or remorse?

Having worked with a lot of cheaters I can tell you that many, even most, have remorse. They just hide it really, really well. And since they're cheating at least partly arises out of displeasure with their partner (why do men cheat answer), showing their partner any remorse is highly unlikely. When I help them tear down the lies, the denial, the blame they've built up, hidden beneath is often regret and remorse.

For women who've been cheated on these explanations may not make you sympathetic towards your man, and they shouldn't, but if they can help you understand more why do men cheat, and more specifically, why did your man cheat, then maybe you can heal.

Important Note: I've used 'men' throughout this post because I was asked about men who cheat and why, not because I'm saying only men cheat. I've worked with a number of men who've been cheated on by the women in their lives. All of these answers apply to women who cheat too. Substitute 'women' for 'men' anywhere in this post and you'll have the answers for women who cheat.

Related Posts


There is a plaque coming to awaken men and help them see their sins. You all cannot continue to think it is cute to cheat on your woman.  
God did not plann for men to abuse their wives. Your penises should stay in your pants, just like her vagina should stay in her pants, until you get home to your woman, yet you all think it is respectful. This is the lowest hing you can do to a woman and what goes around, comes around.  
Your woman will pay you back and let you find out about it. Keep cheating like a hard headed little boy in the candy store.
Posted @ Wednesday, July 31, 2013 11:04 PM by Jean
Men need to be careful. God has allowed you all to be in the lead and you all have abused this role and think it's fun to direspect women and cheat. It's not funny and certainly not cute. 
I beleive that a disease or plaque is going to be here soon to help all of us realize that adultery is not what God planned for us and that it is wrong. Men need to stop making excuse for their sins and definly not blame thie wives.  
How long do you all think God is going to allow men's arrogance and egos to rule everything. i would think twicew if I were a man and certainly would look at how God gave you all these lead roles and how men have messsed up the world and have hurt women and cause women to become bitter and angry. 
What goes around, comes around.
Posted @ Wednesday, July 31, 2013 11:10 PM by Beryl
I'm just wondering about something I've been thinking on for a bit . my husbands affair was broken up last May but up until this April he was trying to be around her .He was a Friend to her husband, "some friend" . I'm in therapy on my on, we went last year about 4 times and he stopped.So I started about 2 months ago for my self.He will not talk about it ,try's to say nothing happened but he has already told way to much to go back not. I'm wondering if reading on line about this is helpful to me? at this point I'm almost over it with him . I love him ,but I love my dog's also . Only God can help him .Do I just stop trying to get him in therapy? and pretend it didn't happen ,ignore the big pink elephant in the room? but that can't last forever . My hart is broken and I can't trust him.I see as liar. So stop asking ,push harder ? I'm at a loss . I don't want to wast the rest of my life,if he would just be honest we can work on trust.
Posted @ Thursday, August 01, 2013 5:17 PM by pat
My husband (now ex) said as he seemed so TORMENTED trying to make me feel like I had caused all of his misery in our relationship "all those LOVE notes you give me and the cards...I can't stand it!!!! they make me feel so.....GUILTY." haha (hmmmm....guilty about what I wonder???) I found out three weeks later that my suspicions had been correct and that he was indeed seeing another woman.
Posted @ Friday, August 02, 2013 11:49 AM by Jeannette
See, some women never seem to get it. Our men are going to love themselves before they love the wife or anyone else, but we wives seem to always go..... goo goo gie gie over our husbands. We worship them. We look at them as if they are gold. 
Wives need to love themselves. Stop trying to be with him and talking to him when he is bored and not interested in you. 
We have got to wake up and stop listening to these internet marriage writers, many of whom are brainwashed women, who scold, blame, and give women lists of rules to get and keep a man. Why in the heck would a woman want to work that hard to get a man, when they do not give the men lists to do to get us?? Wow, double standards everywhere!  
Men just keep on letting us women down and we keep on licking up to them(pun intended). We see this with the politicians, celebrities, our husbands, and our friends' husbands. Stop worshipping these men. Stop putting your mouth on his genitals if you think he is cheating. Even if he is not cheating, stop allowing him to have his way in a degrading way. He can't respect you after you allow all these nasty intimate actions against your body. like swallowing and anal. Women are too willing to compromise their dignity and their bodies for what? For him to cheat further on down he road? Wow! If he is not loving, decent, and Godly enough to accept you as a real women, who loves him and gives him intimacy in loving, normal ways, and supports him, then he is not worth the dust on your table.  
Finally, I am not a troll, nor am I a man hater! I'm just tired of seeing women hurt by men. Wow!! 
Many of them have it on their minds and many of them go ahead and act. We women allow it, that's why!! All this stand by your man crap! Wow!
Posted @ Friday, August 02, 2013 2:38 PM by Jean( Valley Wildcat)
First of all, this applies to both men and women. Cheaters are cheaters and they're all alike. This article was very true. I've lived it. He rewrote history to justify his SHITTY behavior. "CHEATER TALK" is what I call it. This isn't a 'male bashing' article! Just as I've said before, it applies to any cheater, man or woman. I would never go back to a cheater, period. I've healed and I'm happier and stronger than ever. Unfortunately, CHEATERS, both men and women, are so good at their lies and manipulations, it's hard to see it until the bomb drops.  
Posted @ Friday, August 02, 2013 2:45 PM by Jeannette
Most men and women are garbage cheaters today because there is no respect for sex and because we are raised poorly. No faith in God, no discipline in life. If you want men to be better, raise the ones you have with discipline, love and respect. This Generation is hopeless. maybe the next will be better. men should be virgins until marriage. I was and I have no desire what so ever to sex sample. I find it repulsive. 
Posted @ Friday, August 02, 2013 6:47 PM by Jesse
Kurt, thank you for anwering my questions, your insight has been invaluabble. My husband has been living with his affair partner for 12mths now. We have just agreed on a financial settlement and I would imagine divorce is not far away. As he is generally a mature, caring,respectful and sensitive man I can't help but wonder whether he will ever see the reality of what this is and the damage it has done, or will he live in denial forever. My final questions, do the husbands that have left their wives, divorced and moved on ever (in time) wake up to reality, accept responsibility for the affair and the damage it has caused, and make any attempt to right the wrong? What bears on whether their perspective on things ever changes? Or is it just too big, too late and too bad for the betrayed spouse - this is just human behaviour. Will we always be blamed in their minds? Will they ever want or be capable of to re-establishing some form of positive aquaintance,friendship or other? I understand while my husband is with the affair partner things are unlikelly to change, their relationship probably wouldn't allow for any meaningful interaction between my husband and I. As we have 3 beautiful children we see each other up to 6 times a week. He is polite but contained. I can't get a feel for who he is, what he's thinking and/or what he thinks of me. Everything is so foreign. I just wish we could get to a place of genuine interation that I can recognise what is and isn't rather than second guessing all the time. I get the impression he is still trying to prove to me that he has done the right thing for himself. He doesn't seek my input in anything to do with the children and often I feel like he showing contempt towards my ways of raising the children. I feel like he is still trying to prove himself. I only hope one day, for his sake and mine, I feel respected and supported by him again, even if it is just as the childrens mother.
Posted @ Saturday, August 03, 2013 1:30 AM by Amanda
I feel the need to preface my comment with "I do not hate men, I do not need to get laid, neither am I a troll. (See what women have to do before we give our opinions, because men do not want us to have opinions and they call it nagging if we do)  
Anyway, in response to the comment just written. I need to say that I would never tell another woman what to do or say, since I do not have that right, but I question why we as women believe and actually say that our cheating husbands are caring, sensitive, responsible, and respectful. Those to me are qualities that accompany a man who thinks enough and respects his wife enough not to cheat. An adulterer does not deserve those good adjectives to describe him. And why do many of us women still want the cheating man to return to us, waiting, and putting our lives on hold? Why do we women feel it necessary to stand before the media cameras and say to people that we forgive a man and stand by him. Why do we cheapen ourselves like that? Why are we so low self esteemed?  
I have been studying, observing, and watching men and their ways, since college. (I took psychology, but did not major in it.)  
After that time,I have come to the conclusion that men cheat and emotionally abuse us, because women allow them to. We accept and believe all these evil marriage counselors on the internet, who blame us. Yes, many of the internet marriage writers are evil, if they keep blaming women for men putting their married penises into the bodies of other women who they are not married to. Yes, that is evil!! 
Then we as women buy and live by these relationship doctrines made by the brainwashed women internet marriage counselors. Some women write comments and say "Oh thank you and I agree with you counselor". We women are so pathetic. Will we ever learn some sense?  
We women will fall on beggin' knees to take our no good men back. Our men are often coddled and spoiled and do what they want when they want it. We women are the fools in all of this. Why are we so stupid for men??  
Posted @ Saturday, August 03, 2013 3:21 PM by Jean
After some longss.. the partner becomes a mirror. some kind of aa.. not optical, light reflecting one.. but something like the finest slap on ur face.
Posted @ Friday, August 16, 2013 2:07 PM by Rony B Chandran
Rodolfo Ticic-repeat offender,liar and abuser.Lives in australia.Always looking for affairs behind his wives back.An idiot as well.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 27, 2013 9:46 PM by Cheery pieee
I have caught an STD from my ex partner who was a philanderer and have given it to a married man who was cheating behind his wife's back.That will teach him.He lied to me and said he was not married.Women do not want affairs with married men.They are double cheaters usually.
Posted @ Friday, September 06, 2013 2:04 PM by corrina
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Posted @ Thursday, June 05, 2014 8:55 AM by review cheating spouse nc
No woman desire to be abused hurt and cheated on. When you are a good woman and she is treated  
like she not a part of his life and he do what he want to thats a bad marriage. Every woman desire to be a queen not a piece of rag.
Posted @ Monday, August 11, 2014 5:30 PM by Angel Edwards
Angel, You're right. Thanks for sharing. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, August 12, 2014 1:54 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Wives, stop your complaining. If you constantly deny your husband sex, or if you just lie there like a cold fish, stop acting all surprised and hurt when he cheats. Don't give me that marriage vow bullshit. Sex is part of the marriage, and men need intimacy. Intimacy to a man (from his wife) is the greatest compliment you can give him. It makes him feel loved (by you), it boosts his ego, it changes his entire attitude towards everything. Don't you think he's worth it? I know, I know, what about you? Well, what about you? Have you told him what you need from him? If your answer is that you want to be left alone, then either divorce him or look the other way when he steps out. Anyone who says 'don't let him blame you for the affair' is full of crap. Marriage is a two way street, and you are 50% of the problem or solution. Think about it.. 
Posted @ Wednesday, September 10, 2014 11:41 PM by Olive
Olive, Nothing justifies cheating - by either partner. If someone wants to look elsewhere for affection then they should end the relationship first. I don't believe most men are looking for intimacy, they're looking for sex. Intimacy requires a lot more work than many partners (men and women) put into the relationship. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, September 11, 2014 8:26 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Hello, please allow me to express my support for the female gender at this time. I try to support both genders, but now women get supported.  
When it comes to sexual intimacy, oftentimes we criticize women because women's sexual desires are Totally different from men's drive and do not match their intensity for sex. Men cannot get angry about an obvious biological difference between the genders. It takes a mighty evil man to put women down in every conversation about sex. That kind of man does not deserve any woman's affection.  
We need to work to get over it and instead of using derogatory terms against women, like "frigid", "prude", "cold fish", or the to the extreme: slut, whore, nagger. Don't lecture a woman because sex is not her top interest. Do we scold men because they do not like to do something that women are interested in? We sure as heck don't.  
Is is a "good ole boy" network, because men stick together and support each other and lambast women about sexual desires. Even some women join in on the put downs. Then we see Internet site owners getting irritated with women, who get carried away and rant or try to be " the voice of reason.  
As far as the man's ego, a woman does not marry a man to boost his ego. What about hers? If a man is that delicate and that needy of stroking and having his woman to spend all her valuable time boosting him and exalting him, then she needs to run the other way 
Lastly, concerning the name calling of women. Please do not do that. Be careful what terms you use on women, since phrases like "cold fish", can be applied to men too. Men are no more exciting in bed than women are. Anyone can be boring in bed, since many men, do not satisfy their wives anyway, and part off the reason, women hate to get in bed with their husbands is because some of them are lousy and lazy and don't bother to make her experience a good one. 
The next time you want to lambast wives, add husbands to the conversation.  
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