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Why Men Look at Porn: 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn

  
  
  
  

Why Men Look at PornSo why do men look at pornography?  Here are some reasons suggested by colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D., from his article Why Men Use Porn and What Women (and Men) Need to Know About It

As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. "If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. "I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"

For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. "I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"

But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?

1. They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.
2. They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.
3. In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.
4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.
5. Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we're hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.
6. Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.
7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.
8."Instant gratification isn't fast enough for me,"one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may be the perfect solution for our times.

So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they're looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex?

There are some other significant reasons that I've discovered in my counseling for men struggling with Internet pornography. I'll share those reasons in another article. In the meantime, please share your thoughts below about why men look at porn.

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Comments

Thanks for presenting some of the positive aspects of sexual porn. It certainly doesn't have to be exploitative or destructive to a healthy relationship. 
 
The only caveat I would offer is this: at midlife, stressors are present to a degree not found at other life stages. If one's personality is prone to medication of psychic pain through addictive behaviors, internet addiction (not just to online porn) can become an unhealthy escape from facing the challenges that lead to personal growth. Pain (especially emotional pain) indicates that you're facing AFGE: 'Another Fun Growth Experience'. Whatever artificially relieves that pain (including porn) can stunt your growth. 
 
Thanks, Dr. Jed! I'm looking forward to reading your new book!
Posted @ Thursday, March 11, 2010 1:16 PM by H. Les Brown
By its very nature porn is exploitive. I was told by my husband that if I had done to him the things he has done to me and our marriage with porn our marriage would be over. Its the he can but I can't thing. I have talked with quite a few women and find that this is a very prevalent attitude. I also take issue with some of the things given as "reasons" for why men use porn. 
 
1. I enjoy sexual excitement and release just as much as any man but I won't exploit another person to get it or decieve my husband either. 
 
I could go down the whole list but I see I'm almost out of space. All eight "reasons" look more like flimsy "excuses" to me. We (including me) need to look at why we are using other people to fill obvious holes or pains in our lives and work on filling those places with healthy compassion and intimacy. That takes work and I realize it is easier to "take a trip down to the office" but the real work is worth it.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 31, 2010 1:14 PM by pt
Jed - Thanks for the great points.
Posted @ Thursday, April 08, 2010 10:59 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Les - I disagree with your comment that porn is not destructive to a healthy relationship. Good point though that porn can be used as a medication for psychic pain.
Posted @ Thursday, April 08, 2010 11:03 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
pt - You're right that porn, like many things, can be used to fill holes or pains in our lives that can be better filled with healthier alternatives. I also agree with you that it does take work, but is also well worth it. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, April 08, 2010 11:04 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I ve been married 2 times, and love much sex. But my parteners always have the sense of modesty when in come to sex. Porn gets me fired up in a way i would love for my wives to do. Also when watching porn, both partners give much verble expression of gratitude and wanting to each other. Now that i am older, my desire is less sressing to my wife, but porn still get me fired up to the max. I believe acts of oral sex and the varied position and body thrusting and heaving which is indicative of real hot bodied sex should be done with the lights on, or in daylight. It would be the same act as porn, except you need to keep your eyes open and see what keeps your blood pumping instead of formations of a mental image with one's eyes closed
Posted @ Friday, July 16, 2010 11:33 by B Boy
My issue is that my husband and i always had an exciting and adventrous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, i'm still feeling crazy adventrous and always throwing myself at him. He doesnt want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship that he looks at porn (because if the "interaction" he gets from it). Although i dont like the idea i was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldnt use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will some one make sense of this for me. If Im bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy him self and only use me when he cant be alone to use porn, why should i stay? He wont open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please.
Posted @ Thursday, July 29, 2010 4:13 PM by emma
emma- get some counseling for yourself from someone who understands men and pornography and that whole interaction. It really does take an expert. There's a great one in Roseville, "Guy Stuff Counseling", Kurt Smith, look him up. At the very least you need to air your needs and get help to figure out what to do. Take care of your marriage by taking care of yourself. Sounds like your guy is lost just like mine was. Good luck to you and remember be faithful to yourself and your integrity.
Posted @ Thursday, July 29, 2010 6:20 PM by pt
pt- I totally agree with both of your posts! Thank you! gosh when things like this happen, a person can just feel so alone. my husband and i have an amazing sex life but a few months back i cought him in the act of porn right in our living room as i was in the bedroom sleeping! i never knew he had an addiction.we've been doing some reading, Every Young Man's Battle & Every Woman's Desire are great books.it has shaken up our marriage but i know we will grow from it. it takes work!!don't give up on your relationship if this is happening to you!i believe that it is a problem because it's a safe escape, they can hide from everything, like any other addiction, it's their way out.they (anyone who has a porn addiction) need to seriously step back and evaluate their life, personal, work, everything.it could even be something in the past that hasn't been resolved that is making it so hard to stop.seeing a professional who specializes in this sort of issue is a major plus!! best wishes to all of you. 
 
emma-don't give up. please seek counseling to understand things better and get a clear view of what all is happening.keep loving, respecting, honoring, and being dedicated to your husband, it means the world to him.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 31, 2010 12:23 by Jo
My relationship with my boyfriend is very sexual, we have sex everyday and sometimes more than once. I am a very attractive person! I have a playmates body as many many people say.. I am always suggesting different positions/things/places just anything to spice it up or surprise him! I have always felt that I please him and that he is satisfied. So I dont get why he has to watch the occasionally porn when the (few) times I am not home. which I am always home because I recently lost my job. Porn makes me feel like I dont look good enough for him and that I dont please him so he has to go to that. I dont like it.. I seriously work my butt off to stay in shape and being in the mood for him even when I am tired. He literally can do whatever he wants sexual.. He does however has problems if he is dehydrated.. and sometimes he doenst want to have sex. Hello I have needs to but I dont go looking at porn. or other men. Oh and top of it all he lied about it. and he has a WHOLE lot of pictures and videos of me.. SOO WHY PORN! I AM SO CONFUSED.. I need advice! :(
Posted @ Monday, November 08, 2010 6:09 PM by shelley
Shelley, 
 
As I say in the article, men use porn for lots of reasons. The main point I'd say to you (and other women) is that it doesn't mean that you're not attractive enough or he wants something you can't give. Its important to be able to talk about it. If that's difficult, talking with a counselor can help.
Posted @ Monday, November 08, 2010 6:58 PM by Jed Diamond
Shelley - Thanks for sharing your story. Porn is a problem that is very confusing for most women. You asked for advice, so here's an article that will help -- Why do men look at porn? You'll find links to other articles at the bottom of this one, so check it out. Hope these help you begin to make some sense of what's going on with your boyfriend. Talk to a counselor experienced in porn if you need more support.
Posted @ Tuesday, November 09, 2010 12:04 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I married in my late 40's four years ago. My experience as a divorced "older" albeit attractive woman, led me to believe I needed to be "open" to male needs regarding sex. Exiting a long term marriage, with few partners in early life, I received a distinct "message" from men that expectations regarding sexual exploration had changed since I was single in my twenties. I tried, therefore, to be "open" to all my partners habits however frequently expressing my fear that the line b/t reality and fantasy might become murky, and that "needs" might escalate.  
My husband enjoys pornography, used it for stimulation regularly, and kept pushing for experiences in "real time" including swapping, strip clubs, sex clubs in SF, increasingly invasive sex tools (I refuse to call these things toys), engagement in adult chat rooms without my knowledge, and finally performing acts on himself that I found truly repulsive. 
I slowly found my voice but much too late, and of course he couldn't understand why all this behavior was suddenly not tolerated.  
As your last female blogger stated - I wish I had remained true to myself and my integrity - we know inherently what is right for each of us and deviant behavior needs to viewed for what it is - dangerous and very likely damaging.  
This behavior combined with other mid-life stressors resulted in my moving out of his house. 
One year later we remain married but separated, 
and any intimacy is rare.  
Prior to reading this website and the attached articles I have been too ashamed to discuss the "sex" issues, thinking myself at fault. 
Male sexual addiction is confusing for women. And for me, I am not sure I will ever trust again. 
D
Posted @ Sunday, November 14, 2010 8:56 PM by donna

 
I know you feel as if you will never trust again but I was 55 and married 35 years when the junk hit the fan in our marriage. After 5 years of counseling and many many many hours of tears and quesstions and discussions I think I am on the verge of beginnning to trust again. My husband wants there to be an ongoing marriage and is working just as hard as I am. So it takes two to tango. Get counseling for yourself and your husband must join you if he is serious about your marriage. Life is hard with all the crap out there and we have to clin together even more than ever. If he won't come with you take yourself - and get yourself on the road to recovery and life. You can do it and you're not alone. 
 
pt
Posted @ Monday, November 15, 2010 5:28 PM by pt
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