Q: What do you do when your husband looks at porn? We always had an exciting and adventurous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, I'm still feeling crazy adventurous and always throwing myself at him. He doesn’t want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship and that my husband looks at porn (because of the "interaction" he gets from it). Although I don’t like the idea I was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldn’t use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will some one make sense of this for me? If I’m bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy him self and only use me when he can’t be alone to use porn, why should I stay? He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please. What do you do when your husband looks at porn? -- Samantha W.
A: Here’s an important fact to understand about your husband looks at porn -- Porn isn’t about you, Porn is about him. The more you can understand this fact, the better you'll understand why men watch porn, at least as much as is possible for most women.
It doesn’t matter what you do to try to “meet his needs” or make yourself more appealing, because that’s not the problem. The problem is that he’s found a drug that he likes the high from better than the high of having sex with you.
You’re right in describing his behavior as “selfish.” It’s also addictive. He’s showing signs of porn addiction. You need to respond to your husband looks at porn like it’s an addiction (drug) problem, not an attraction (you) problem.
The answer to your question, “Why should I stay?” should be about a lot more than just understanding why my husband looks at porn. The description of his response, “He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help,” shows that your relationship has deeper problems. The lack of respect, consideration and love just happens to be most obvious with your husband’s porn addiction, but I'll bet it happens elsewhere too.
Start here -- Change your thinking about what the real problems are:
- Your husband is struggling with a drug addiction (porn addiction).
- You have relationship problems (not respecting, valuing or loving you).
- You’ve put yourself in a powerless position when you’re not in one.
You really need the help of a professional counselor to deal with these problems. I hope this at least begins to help you see your problem as much more than just husband looks at porn.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor