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Husband Looks At Porn - What Do You Do?

  
  
  
  

Husband Looks At PornQ: What do you do when your husband looks at porn? We always had an exciting and adventurous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, I'm still feeling crazy adventurous and always throwing myself at him. He doesn’t want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship and that my husband looks at porn (because of the "interaction" he gets from it). Although I don’t like the idea I was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldn’t use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will some one make sense of this for me? If I’m bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy him self and only use me when he can’t be alone to use porn, why should I stay? He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please. What do you do when your husband looks at porn? -- Samantha W.

A: Here’s an important fact to understand about your husband looks at porn -- Porn isn’t about you, Porn is about him.  The more you can understand this fact, the better you'll understand why men watch porn, at least as much as is possible for most women.

It doesn’t matter what you do to try to “meet his needs” or make yourself more appealing, because that’s not the problem.  The problem is that he’s found a drug that he likes the high from better than the high of having sex with you

You’re right in describing his behavior as “selfish.”  It’s also addictive.  He’s showing signs of porn addictionYou need to respond to your husband looks at porn like it’s an addiction (drug) problem, not an attraction (you) problem.

The answer to your question, “Why should I stay?” should be about a lot more than just understanding why my husband looks at porn.  The description of his response, “He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help,” shows that your relationship has deeper problems.  The lack of respect, consideration and love just happens to be most obvious with your husband’s porn addiction, but I'll bet it happens elsewhere too.

Start here -- Change your thinking about what the real problems are:

  • Your husband is struggling with a drug addiction (porn addiction).
  • You have relationship problems (not respecting, valuing or loving you).
  • You’ve put yourself in a powerless position when you’re not in one.

You really need the help of a professional counselor to deal with these problems.  I hope this at least begins to help you see your problem as much more than just husband looks at porn.

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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Comments

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Posted @ Sunday, December 12, 2010 9:46 AM by Thoms
Porn is like overeating. Both food and sex are basic needs and can add to the enjoyment of life. They are also addictive comforts. Ironically they are assertions of some little moment of control. There are so many reasons also why they are harmful and destructive. But the harsh sanction and shame a which seems to be the coomon reaction of women makes us secretive and the problem becomes more destructive. But this isn't the only way couples let habits and distractions erode marriages, just the one that isleast socially acceptable and is easily attcked for being immoral. But isn;t an addiction to soap operas, exercising, social networking etc. also solo activiteis that take away from sharing? But since theay aren't viewed as vulgur they don't get harshly condmned annd cause the shame that leads to being secretive and deceitful. If you want to help us, know we are just drawn to these experiences despite the ;ove and attraction we have for our wives. The two have no correlation. But there is a need to truly be honest about our sexual needs and fantasies. We need to be able to accept each other without condemnation and then help each other meet our needs in a way that is faifthfull but also recognizes the occasional need we may have for private fantasy without guilt. Finally this openess als needs to respect the boundaries tare needed to avoid hurting each other or keeping us from finding the full range of fufillment that life offers.My marriage of 40 years is crumbling because my wife is devastated from having discovered that I was freuently liiking at porn on line. She cannot help but see this as infidelity. I can't defend it yet I feel betrayed as well because I thought there were so many ither ways that I showed her I loved her. But the worse thing remains to see how much pain she is in and her despair about the loss of her view of what our marriage meant and what future she can envision, I feel like we are in two entirely different realities.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 28, 2012 12:42 AM by Ralph
Ralph, I'm very sorry to hear of the state of your marriage. It's typically very hard for women initially when they discover the porn history. Give her a little time and space. It's good to hear that you recognize her pain. Ask her if she'd be willing to go to counseling with you. If she says no, wait a week or two and ask again, and again... You need to have a professional help you both talk and work through this. It is repairable. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 1:49 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
If porn has taken over someone's life, it's a bad thing: neglect of personal responsibility, job, family, eating, hygiene, et al. 
 
 
 
Porn as an indulgence is not necessarily bad. We all would like some variety in life. Example: if you would join your husband in watching - and perhaps acting out on - porn videos, it could enhance your lives together. 
 
 
 
If your husband does not want you to join him, refern to my first paragraph. He may, in fact, have a serious addiction and probably needs professional help. 
 
 
 
As foe me and my indulgence, I would love for my wife to join me in watching porn, and - perhaps - reenacting scenes from the videos. Alas, my wife is quite conservative when it comes to sex. As such, I allow myself occasional indulgences on theWWW. 
 
 
 
Best Wishes - Offer Assistance - Don't Settle!
Posted @ Thursday, April 12, 2012 10:51 PM by goinstrong
Why do people tell women that have issues with porn to watch it with their spouse? What do they think this solves?
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 5:12 PM by EM
Why do people tell women that have issues with porn to watch it with their spouse? What do they think this solves? 
 
- I know right! I suggest going along with this but whacking out an all male porno and then masturbating over the men right in front of him whilst commenting on how sexy they all are and what you'd like to do to them. Me thinks he may not feel so comfortable after that!
Posted @ Wednesday, June 27, 2012 8:02 AM by Jess
I asked my husband what he does when looking at porn and masterbating to it. I asked if he just looked at it for a visual, but he doesn't. He pictures sucking on her breasts, his penis going in her smooth vagina and touching her soft skin. To me that's like he's having sex with other women. He's picturing it so intimately in all they ways he'd have sex with a natural women. So to me he's being unfaithful.
Posted @ Friday, November 30, 2012 3:07 PM by Jacqueline
my boyfriend i believe is addicted to porn of any kind. I cut the internet off at the house and on his cell phone. But still i find in his truck shirts covered in cum. I now believe he has a 'secret' phone or he's regressed to porn magazines.. I cause him one night locked in our bathroom when i went to bed tired and begged him to come have sex with me before i went to sleep.. He refused.. And then an hour later i cause him in the bathroom on MY laptop watching porn and masturbating.. We are expecting a child in May of this year. I want to leave but can't bring myself to do it. Iv offered to get him help as he obviously has an addiction but he won't admit its a problem. as far as im concerned its a huge problem when he only doesit in his truck after work and before coming home to me. HELP ME
Posted @ Thursday, January 03, 2013 4:47 PM by mega.
What do you do when you love someone and you see they have a problem but they are not willing to recognize it? I have been with this man for almost 13 years. There is no commitment and our relationship is finally dangling from a string.. He has pictures, videos, is a member of websites all pornography at different levels. Pornography flows through all electronics he owns, iPad, iPhone, Kindle Fire, 
Desktops, laptops, removable hard drives, USB drives, Facebook and latetly I discovered FourSquare where he used our home address as a children's playground with a picture of a woman showing her butt and another picture of a jail. Someone explain that to me because it is so disturbing that I am finally deciding to walk away from this crazy relationship. Meanwhile, there is no sex in our relationship despite of my repeated complaints about the situation. Digging further on his FourSquare account I found that he posted a naked picture of a woman at a nearby church location during a check in. Is that normal? Now add to that the bottles of baby lotion on the bathroom, home office and bedroom. I feel numb in the brain just thinking about the whole picture on his addiction. He says is just play and that I am nosey on his stuff. Don't get me wrong I am not a prude. But I find the collective information of his actions disturbing. He was able to keep this part of his life hidden but once I unravel one episode there was no stopping me about finding the true picture. Looking for ideas on how to help him.
Posted @ Sunday, January 13, 2013 9:20 AM by Marlene
Megan, Your boyfriend has to decide for himself to get help - you can't do that for him. The best way to help him to get to that point is to set boundaries with him on his behavior, and consequences if he doesn't respect the boundaries or you. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, January 19, 2013 9:42 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have the same problem. I was 6 weeks pregnant and found porn on my bfs phone, I went mad and put content control on his phone, i chucked him out and he went straight to his old house and masterbated over naked females in pictures, we were then texting and he came home. Argued a few nights later and he slept in the spare room and masterbated again..over porn. He pervs on females anywhere and everywhere he can, tv,newspapers,magazines is pathetic. He also masterbated over my mother after perving on her breasts at a party, worse bit about it we were in bed together. I have recently found all this out and he expects me just to forgive and forget. The way I see it.. Do whatever when your single but as soon as you commit to a relationship all that STOPS. Why get into a relationship, carry on with what u do when ur single and cause arguements, hurt your gf and worse..loose your family. Is watching people have sex worth all this?
Posted @ Monday, April 08, 2013 5:59 AM by miss italy
Leave him! That's what they should do as soon as they know about his porn addiction. They lie and lie and lie and lie. They pretend to stop porning, but they don't. RUN RUN RUN from porn addicts.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 1:57 AM by Mrs Porn Addict
I have been with my bf for 2 1/2 years. My computer died so I have been using his lately. I keep finding porn videos and pictures on the computer. He told me that the computer downloads them it's self and it's not him. But I find that in the recent places file on the computer he looks at them when I am not home. He doesn't want to have sex most of the time. I am 33 and always in the mood. He said I want it too much for him and that he is just getting older and not wanting it that much. Then why does he look at things as soon as I leave the house. I feel like he is lying to me and he would rather look at that stuff then be with me. I don't know what to do cause he gets so upset and mad when I try to talk to him about it and how I feel.
Posted @ Thursday, August 29, 2013 11:56 AM by Steffy
I'm reading everyone's comments and some of them help. My husband of six years secretly watches porn. And when I catch him, he tries to tell me it's just something he's done his whole life and has nothing to do with me -- he even looks hurt that I am hurt -- but I was a stripper for eight years before I met him -- I know firsthand what those men think based off of what they have said to me. I am not proud of my past and maybe I deserve this -- because now I know firsthand what it's like to be the woman who shares a life with that man who thinks and wishes to act on those thoughts. I won't do everything he sees in porn -- I fear that the porn will make him desensitized to me -- that he will no longer see me when we make love but instead resort to the porn reel in his head. I fear that one day porn won't be enough -- and if I don't comply -- then he will find someone that will. No matter what I read and research -- I'm still just not understanding. Maybe I don't really want to understand. Help? My heart hurts something terrible. :(
Posted @ Monday, January 06, 2014 12:37 AM by Baffled & Hurt
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