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Why Do Women Cheat? One Woman Explains


why do women cheatAlthough there’s not one answer to the question, why do women cheat, there are some frequently repeated reasons. Surprising or not, the reasons why women cheat aren’t that much different from the reasons men do.

Do you think it's odd that I'm exploring the question why do women cheat on a blog for counseling men? After all, aren't men the ones who cheat? Actually, some studies have shown that women cheat more frequently than men. I regularly counsel men who've been cheated on. As we explore this question, I’ll share excerpts from the article, Confession: Why I Cheated On My Husband, by Marina Pearson.

"How could you have done this to me, to us? Who are you and who did I marry?”

So who does this sound like, a wife or husband? I’ve heard these words and others similar from both women and men dealing with a cheating spouse. These were actually said by Marina's husband.

With tears in his eyes, my ex-husband shouted and screamed these questions at me on the day he found out that I'd had an affair. All the while, I stood there shaking, in shock, not knowing what to say that would make what I had done right. I was a cheater.

According to the UK Adultery Survey 2012 by undercoverlovers.com, cheating women are more likely to stray as they are seeking emotional fulfillment, an improvement to their self-esteem and romance. When women cheat will depend on how fulfilled they feel in their marriages. But according to the survey, wives who cheat will do so five years into their marriages whereas men will do so seven years in.

The top reason for why do women cheat is happiness. Women who cheat are unhappy, for one reason or another, and are seeking happiness outside their relationship.

1. My Mindset. I was still living in the illusive notion that happiness was something that I could acquire from an external source, so I bought into a fantasy. It's a fantasy that I see a lot of my clients buy into, which is that there is a fairy tale, one-sided man that exists to bring happiness to them. This is just not true.

Back then, I bought into the notion that because I wasn't happy that someone else could dish happiness up on a silver platter. As my ex husband was not able to, someone else could surely, right? This of course wasn't true and to this day, still isn't. In fact, the whole ordeal stressed me out and exposed me to more confusion and unhappiness.

Another reason why women cheat that Marina's cites is guilt. She didn't find her husband sexually attractive anymore. I hear this a lot in counseling. A common mistake is to believe that this feeling means the relationship is dead.

2. The Guilt Factor. I honestly believed I was a bad person for thinking that I no longer fancied my ex husband, so as not to hurt him I kept quiet. I couldn't find the words to tell him that I no longer found him sexually attractive. I was scared that he would finally find out that I was that "bad person" I judged myself to be. Instead of being able to confront him with my feelings and thoughts that "only bad people" would have, I proved my own beliefs of being that "bad person" anyway hoping he wouldn't find out.

Not having the tools to fix the problems in the relationship is another reason why women cheat, and men too. Rather than learn how to fix the problems people just look for an easier solution like finding someone else where the problems don't exist (yet).

3. Lack of Maturity and Knowledge. Looking back, I realize now that I didn't have the maturity or the tools of how to live with the problems that my ex-husband and I were encountering at the time. We would argue, get upset and as a result, our communication broke down and so did our intimacy. I didn't know how to manage the dynamic nor manage my thoughts around them either. Any time we argued, I honestly believed that he didn't love me. So, I acted out to get my own back.

Why do women cheat? A passionless relationship is last reason Marina says contributed to her cheating. Add this to the unhappiness that results, and was already described, and you have the stage set for an affair.

4. The Passion Died. At the time, I remember feeling that the passion had died in our relationship. I wanted to feel that my ex husband longed for me, that he wanted me and that he would woo me. Our relationship fell into a day to day routine, taking all the excitement out of it and the passion died. I wanted to break free from this and thought that the best way was to do it through a selfish act. (from Confession: Why I Cheated On My Husband)

So why do women cheat? Unhappiness, wrong mindset, lack of sexual attraction, guilt, lack of honesty in relationship, immaturity, lack of knowledge and relationship tools, and being in a passionless relationship. How many of these do you have? And even more importantly, how many could your partner have?

As you can see, the reasons why do women cheat could describe men as well as women.  The solutions, as well as the prevention of an affair, are the same too. Start by dealing with problems, and if you don't know how, ask a professional for help.

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One short answer: abuse. 
I married very young, a virgin, and we began having children almost immediately. Perhaps he was overwhelmed by the situation, having so many responsibilities before being 25, I don't know....The fact was that when we had spent more than ten years together, he began being very abusive. In words, in his declarations that I was "no fun," "too frigid," and other terrible things, and then he would beat me up. 
I was lost, feeling desperate and with no idea of what happened to my self-esteem...up until someone invited me out of the blue, to go to bed with him. And I did, and had a good time...this man was treating me with kindness, giving me time to react and teaching me the basics of sex that I never got to know before. I'm very grateful that I had this opportunity to catch up in the basics of life, and could take care of my home, without leaving. Otherwise, how do you do to get the experience?
Posted @ Friday, December 21, 2012 8:59 AM by Noreen
I've been married 12 years this April and have 4 kids with the same woman. She has cheated on me 3 times and for some reason I think my family is important enough to stay. And she continues to lie even over the smallest things. Why??? And should I move on??
Posted @ Wednesday, January 02, 2013 10:30 PM by Robert
my wife left me and my 3 boys for another man going through divorce right now. i still love her but how can i get over what she did or should i move on
Posted @ Saturday, January 12, 2013 11:12 AM by Edward
Robert and Edward, Moving on is a decision only you should make - not me, family or friends. It's your life to live. What I would recommend for both of you is that you set limits with your wives on how you must be treated if you are to stay in a relationship with them. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, January 19, 2013 9:38 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Women who cheat...cheat themselves out of their own dignity. They cheat themselves out of standing in their truth. They cheat themselves cut of integrity. This is the most horrendous thing you can do to a husband....the worst, in my opinion....Leaving him before you go to another man is honorable. If you need to be with another man, do not cheat yourself out of your own truth and dignity. Leave the marriage. If your husband is wrong for you, have the courage to stand in the light with this and leave, but do not join the ranks of soul killers who destroy another person's heart by using them as fodder for your twisted schemes....Don't join the ranks of people who are destraoying this planet. Stand in your truth, walk in dignity and love, and be honest. Trust me, if you do this, you will be left with love, and you will be doing your husband a kindness as he deserves much better and to be loved.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 12, 2013 4:20 AM by Kat
My husband is addicted to Teen porn. He promised to stop watching but I found my camera card in his pocket to load photos on. He turned it around and started yellg you know I can F with you if i want as I asked him why he has my SIM card. He also rages and throws things when I tell him Im concerned about his health. He has serious health issues. I told him yesterday I wont baby you anymore about his diet and medication as it upsets him too much. He then said you wont put out my pills? I asked him if he would please show appreciation to me with little things. A bouquet of flowers, a card etc. He said, Oh, Im not good at that. You'll have to remind me" but he ordered tons of electronics for himself on ebay. He used to do little things for me when we were dating/early married life. I am trying so hard to make this work and feel like Im grasping at straws. Feel very alone. He comes home from working all night and goes right to bed. I dont want to cheat but tired of being an unappreciated nursemaid. I tell him Nicely how I feel and nothing changes. Married 22 years
Posted @ Thursday, March 14, 2013 9:55 AM by Roe
It's easy to say "just leave the marriage," but when you live in an expensive area and have children and will need to earn thousands more per month to keep your small home and pay for kids education and clothing, it's a lot cheaper and easier to find someone else in the same sad situation.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 12:37 PM by J
I understand that the topic of spouses cheating on one another is a very complicated one indeed, but I personally do feel that people who cheat (both men and women) are generally that way inclined to begin with (for whatever reasons), and no matter the circumstances will always find an excuse to do so...seeking to find that elusive and illusory external "fix", what they perceive to be a panacea to all their ills. But the reality is that "utopian" relationships simply don't exist, and that at the end of the day cheating is cheating, and a cheat will always be just that...a cheat.
Posted @ Sunday, April 07, 2013 10:44 PM by R
I hope that someone shares my comment with others, because I really want as many men as possible to read this.  
Women cheat too, but most of us do not cheat on our husbands until the vey last straw, and I mean the very last. For instance, I have heard that most men cheat because they are not getting sex from their wives, and that some cheat because they ae not getting enough exalting, enough ego stroking, 
worship and respect. Still some cheat because they are bored with their wives and something new, or younger, or flirty, or different comes along. 
Well, men guess what, all of this applies to you all too. We get tired of you all's bald heads, fat beer guts, little weiners, not skill in the bedroom, your laziness around the house, your defending your mothers nasty ways, and so on. But women are not so evil and egotistical, and selfish, spoiled, and low down. so we wait until we are fed up with you all. We don't cheat as quickly as you all do. We wait until we find out that he has cheated, even after we have not gotten satisfied in bed with our husbands and have not been treated with respect too. We still wait, but when we have taken all we can take from you all, we cheat1too!! We women have gotten fed up with all these so called Christian counselors and writers on the intenet that scold and blame women and who write these long lists that wives should do to worship her sorry a_ _ men. We women are fed up and we are finally learning how to speak up and now we tell you men that we will not take your cheating, fragile egos. 
Wake up women and stand united. Men have just gone wild and crazy!!!
Posted @ Wednesday, July 31, 2013 11:33 PM by Jean (The Valley Wildcat)
Women cheat when all avune has been exhausted.  
Posted @ Sunday, September 01, 2013 9:23 PM by Karen
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