“Sexual Problems - Not Feeling It for Him" - Mr. Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Sep 12, 2010
Q: We're having sexual problems. I have a new born and I am not feeling sexually attracted to his Dad but I am feeling it towards another guy. I have never had really great sex and I feel as if I lost my sex drive. Plus, Christian guys are telling me that I am already married so it’s over for me. They believe that once you have sex you are married. -- Julie C.
A: Sexual problems after child birth are not uncommon. Your body changes a lot during pregnancy and can take several months or longer to return to its previous state. Add to that how much our lives change with a child to care for 24/7 and it's no surprise that you're not sexually attracted to your husband.
There can be a lot of reasons why you may be sexually attracted to someone else right now and not your husband. I would bet that the attraction to someone else has more to do with things that could be improved in your relationship that would make your husband more sexually attractive than it does that you've lost your sex drive for him.
Here are a few things women I've counseled have told me affects whether or not they're sexually attracted to their husband:
- His willingness to talk and listen to you.
- How he respects you and values what you say and do.
- How much he helps you in taking care of your house and family, particularly in caring for your new born.
- How he considers your sexual needs and seeks to meet them.
- How much he shares of himself with you, such as his thoughts and feelings.
Be careful who you listen to and take advice from, particularly about sexual problems. A lot of people have opinions that aren't based on anything but clichés and ignorance. Your sex life with your husband has all kinds of possibilities to become new, exciting, and pleasurable. Sometimes there are just times, such as after having a child, that a couple's sex life suffers, but that can change.
Consider getting some professional support from a marriage counselor. Sexual problems in marriage are very common and they can be fixed. Having an experienced therapist guide you in how to talk about the hard to talk about topic of sex can make a world of difference. You both may also need some guidance in learning how to be parents and parents who are partners.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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