What can you do if you're Fighting With Your Husband Constantly?
There are a number of things that are crucial for a marriage to be successful. Love and respect are the two we generally think about, but without good communication skills the first two will not be enough. If you are married but feel that you can’t communicate, you’re not alone. Problems with communication are are of the most common martial issues that bring couples to counseling.
At Guy Stuff we routinely work with couples who say, “We’re married, but we can’t communicate.” And this is not just new marriages or long-term marriages, but marriages of all lengths. Communication problems can develop at any stage of a relationship. We commonly hear comments like, “It’s like she’s speaking a different language” or “He just doesn’t seem to hear me.” Unfortunately, we also see many couples who’ve let these problems go on so long that the counseling they’re seeking is for separation or divorce rather than how they can communicate better.
Below you will see a question from Kristin who found herself in just that scenario. My answer follows.
Reader Question:
My husband has separated from me. Married 10 years, need more effective communication, better sex, all the regular complaints. He has been through therapy in the past and thinks he doesn't need to learn how to communicate but that I do, when I try to tell him how I feel he dismisses my feelings saying I'm too sensitive or my perceptions are all wrong, I feel he doesn't really hear me. We're married but can't communicate. Help!" -Kristin P.
Kristin’s situation isn’t uncommon at all. The idea that the communication problem belongs to one of them and not both of them is typical. Usually each partner feels like they’re doing it right, trying the hardest, and that the issue is with the other person. Not true.
My Answer:
So he thinks you need to learn to communicate better, and you think he does. This is the most common complaint in marriage counseling. And the biggest challenge in marriage counseling is to get each partner to focus a little less on what the other person needs to change and a little more on what they can change about themselves.
If he won't come to counseling with you with you, then come by yourself. I've found that a lot of guys end up coming in when their wives follow through and go without them. But even if he doesn't come in, there are tools you can learn by yourself that will help you respond differently to his dismissing your feelings and not hearing you. These tools can be very powerful agents of change in your relationship.
So, if you want to have more effective communication, then shift your focus to what you have the power to change. You can change yourself. You can change some of the ways you've been communicating, responding and interacting with him. By changing your focus and efforts you may be surprised at the different results you can get from him.
People make the mistake of thinking that good communication is permanent. If it’s good once then it’s good forever, right? Nope. As people age, challenges arise, and relationships change, so do communication skills. Not understanding this can be a big stumbling block for married partners.
As life progresses and new experiences occur people have to adjust. These adjustments aren’t always easy and they can mean lead to challenges and changes in the ways you communicate. This can be a problem for their partner and marriage. It can also create a vicious cycle that starts and ends with poor communication. Take the following as an example:
A husband loses his mother. The pain of this is new to him and he doesn’t know how to talk about it or how he’s feeling. He becomes irritable and withdrawn. His wife wants to help, but trying to get him to talk doesn’t work. She takes it personally. They start arguing over smaller things, then bigger things. They grow apart, stop having sex, and now there’s a wall of silence between them.
The problem here isn’t a lack of love, or a lack of respect - it’s a lack of effective communication. And it’s not the fault of just one of them, it’s circumstances and the fact that they both need to learn some new communication skills to make things better. Even if they had good communication prior to the death of the husband’s mother, this change created a need for them both to adjust. Seeing that need is hard though, especially in the face of bigger problems and feelings. Most couples aren’t thinking, “Oh, life’s rough right now, we need to work on our communication skills.” They just let it go until they say, “I can’t believe we’re married and we still can’t communicate.”
It doesn’t have to be anything as devastating a death to prompt the need for improving a couple's communication either. Jobs, kids, and just aging can change us each personally and mean that we need to be aware of what’s happening and how that’s affecting the communication within our relationships.
If you’re frustrated because you’re married and you can’t communicate take heart - you’re not alone and there is hope. It just takes some work, time, and attention of both by you.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published December 3, 2009 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you're Fighting With Your Husband Constantly?
It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
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I would like to ask Why Is It Always The Woman Who Has To Change? Why does every single thing I read about this subject always lead to: Change You....and what? Maybe he'll like me more? I would keel over and die if my H ever came up to me and said, "Hey, I've been THINKING..." because he just won't. So what do the guys have to do? Anything? Seems to me most of the problem is because we women never say you are not talking, discussing, thinking about things into divorce court. I can go to counseling until the cows come home but if he still dismisses everything that comes out of my mouth, what good is it? So I'll ask once again...what does the guy have to do?
Sandra, It's not always the woman has to change - I wrote the article "7 Things To Do When You Say 'My Wife Doesn't Love Me' for men, but this one and most of the articles here can be for both men and women. -Kurt
Sandra, I am so glad someone said that. I have read so many articles, paid subscriptions, costly therapy and none of it works. I became a better person but my husband is still the non-chalant, emotionally unavailable person as of today. What I found that works is I don’t complain about nothing anymore, I opened separate accounts to put my money, I cook only once a week and say Good morning and good night...I e been doing this for 3 months and all of the sudden he wants to communicate about the changes. Sometimes being nice and trying to find positive effective needs does not work for everyone..My belief is the aging/Yang.. and I used negative forces on him and I see a difference now..Men are hardheaded and want to be the King of the jungle but don’t want to accept their weakness. I truly loved your post because it’s so honest. Thank you for reading..
We've been married for 22 years and have had a good marriage overall. In the last 2-4 years things have changed dramatically. He's sleeping in another room, our love life is almost nonexistent and he's distant, we don't fight. It's like we've just been going through the motions. When I talk about it, he says he knows that we've got problems and that'll he'll go to therapy, but never does. I've tried but they want him to come. I'm ready to call it quits and he tells me he still loves me and begs me to stay and I have. Since he won't really try to fix it, I feel I've got no other choice. I feel I've done my part but don't know what else to do??