Mr. Marriage Counselor: "We're Married but Can't Communicate"
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Dec 03, 2009
Q: My husband has separated from me. Married 10 years, need more effective communication, better sex, all the regular complaints. He has been through therapy in the past and thinks he doesn't need to learn how to communicate but that I do, when i try to tell him how i feel he dismisses my feelings saying I'm too sensitive or my perceptions are all wrong, i feel he doesn't really hear me. We're married but can't communicate. Help!
--Kristin P.
A: So he thinks you need to learn to communicate better, and you think he does. This is the most common complaint in marriage counseling. And the biggest challenge in marriage counseling is to get each partner to focus a little less on what the other person needs to change and a little more on what they can change about themselves.
If he won't come to marriage counseling with you, then come by yourself. I've found that a lot of guys end up coming in when their wives follow through and go without them. But even if he doesn't come in, there are tools you can learn by yourself that will help you respond differently to his dismissing your feelings and not hearing you. These tools can be very powerful agents of change in your relationship.
So if you want more effective communication, then shift your focus to what you have the power to change. You can change yourself. You can change some of the ways you've been communicating, responding and interacting with him. By changing your focus and efforts you'll be surprised at the different results you can get from him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor