When we fall in love it's mainly our heart that we follow, not our brain. For some of us this flawed strategy works out and for others it doesn't.
Yet after we've been married awhile we all discover that we didn't marry quite the person we thought we married (i.e. Prince Charming isn't always so charming). This can mean that we know all too well our partner's imperfections and our brain stops us from following our heart again ("I'm Out of Love").
So how to fall in love with your husband all over again when your brain says 'not so fast' isn't easy. The following Google+ post will begin to show how. Click the 'Read More' button after the first 2 lines to read the full post.
The secret to a successful relationship is using our heart and brain -- not one or the other, but both. This goes for when we're first falling in love, when we're in a relationship together, and when we want to fall in love all over again. It's the beginning answer to how to fall in love with your husband all over again.
The reason so many wives struggle with falling in love with their husband again is that they're using too much of their brains. They're doing what they did at the beginning of the relationship, just in reverse. At the beginning they used too much of their heart and not enough of their brain, and now they're using too much of their brain and not enough of their heart.
To fall in love with your husband all over again after you have history together requires exercising more heart, like compassion, understanding, and love while simultaneously using less brain, like memories, fears, and self-protection.
Note that I did not say using no brain. I just said less brain. So many partners can't muster any love for their partner because they're allowing they're brains to block it. And some of the reasons for this are listed in the previous paragraph.
Here are a couple of tips on how to begin to fall in love with your husband all over again:
- Forget the Past. Okay, completely forgetting the past isn't really possible. However, you can stop yourself from allowing your past history with your husband to influence how you see your him today. Too many partners hold on too strongly to the past and prevent themselves from falling in love again.
- Focus on the Present. Part of the way we forget the past is by focusing on the present. Who is your husband now? That's who you're going to fall in love with. Be honest with yourself about how your husband has changed for the better, even if it's only in really small ways.
- Work at Seeing Him for Who He is Now, not who he's been. This is hard to do after you've been hurt, but is a necessity if you really want to fall in love with your husband again. It's easy to see all the things you don't like, so try to look for some things that you do like.
Obviously, if your husband hasn't changed the things that caused you to fall out of love with him it's going to be really tough to fall in love again (When He Doesn't Love You Back). But if he's making an effort to change himself, you can help the falling in love again process by using your heart more than your brain (other ways to fall in love with your spouse all over again).
How to fall in love with your husband all over again isn't easy, unlike falling in love the first time. Our brains are very powerful, but so are our hearts. When you use both properly you can rekindle the love and keep it burning.
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Some people can be pretty loose with their definition of cheating until they're on the receiving end of it. But if you find out your partner has been sexting someone else, you're likely to want to know if sexting is cheating.
A good question to ask yourself is, "Does it feel like cheating?" It certainly can feel like it when it's your partner doing it. Not all cheating involves sex, but the sexual element of sexting makes it feel more like cheating for many people (Do I Have A Cheating Spouse?).
A great example of sexting and the problems it can cause can be seen in the life of ex-congressman and mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner. Read the below Google+ post I wrote about one of the most famous sexters, 'Carlos Danger,' aka Mr. Weiner. After you read it tell me if you think sexting is cheating. (Be sure to click the Read More button after the first 2 lines to read the full post)
The biggest problem with cheating isn't the sex, nor is it the other woman or man, nor is it the form it comes in -- whether it's flirting, 'friending' someone on Facebook, watching porn, getting emotionally connected to someone else, or actually sleeping together (Does Sexting Count As Cheating?). The biggest problem with cheating is the breaking of trust with our partner and going outside the relationship for something that is supposed to primarily be met inside the relationship.
Almost everyone texts, and texting in and of itself is neither good, bad or cheating. It becomes cheating when we're sharing something with someone else that belongs only to our partner -- our bodies, intimate thoughts and feelings, or parts of our lives that we committed to our partner.
Sexting is cheating because it does the above -- breaks trust, gives to someone else what our partner is supposed to get from us. Sorry, 'Carlos Danger,' but your sexting is cheating.
Learn more about another form of cheating, flirting, by watching my Youtube video explaining why flirting is cheating.
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Here's another submission I received from a wife asking about trusting her husband. This time it's, "How can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn?"
I get asked this question about trust in different forms and regarding different subjects almost daily -- "How can I trust my husband won't drink again?" "How can I trust he won't cheat on me again?" "How can I trust he'll keep his word on _____?" (spending money, helping with the kids, taking care of his health -- you fill in the blank).
Since we're all human, we're all going to make mistakes. Add to that fact the idealized image we create of our partners at the beginning of relationships, and it's easy to anticipate that our expectations will get shattered at some point.
However, the breaking of trust intentionally and repeatedly is a completely different manner from broken expectations. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. Without trust, relationships fail. What underlies repeated trust breaking is a lack of love and respect for our partner. When we truly do love and respect our partner, we will find a way to change our behavior.
So let's apply that idea of loving and respecting our partner by changing our behavior to Evelyn's relationship and question, "How can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn?" Here's her story:
My husband has been watching porn for all of our married life together. We have been together for over 40 years, and I've tried to embrace it but I don't need it, and when it comes to the bedroom we have no inhibitions. So we have been having many problems with the advent of the "World Wide Web". He's totally a brain on computers and cellys. I have grave concerns with him having these kinds of electronics with his track record. All down through the years, he always promised never to do it again whenever he would get caught. These last 5 years have been the hardest, with the whole world on FACEBOOK, he had over 1800 friends, 3/4's of them were Asian girls. I also found it too easy to flirt, so we have went rounds with deactivating our Facebook accounts, over and over. How can I trust my husband after he's lied about porn so many times??? -- Evelyn
Evelyn's question, how can I trust my husband after he lied about porn again, is pretty common, especially regarding looking at porn. Many people wrongly believe that once trust is broken it cannot be rebuilt. Not true. It's hard and takes work to rebuild, but it can definitely be done. I teach couples how to rebuild trust every day.
Evelyn's made a common mistake in focusing on the wrong thing regarding her husband's behavior change -- focusing on what her husband says rather than on what he does. Almost every guy promises never to look at porn again when they get caught, but just like Evelyn's husband, few of them do anything about changing themselves so they're able keep their promise.
Porn is a drug and for many men they become addicted to porn. So changing a porn watching habit is not as easy as just saying, "I won't do it again." I've been counseling a man who watched porn for years. Through our counseling we've been able to stop his looking at porn, but he still fantasizes about women (not his wife) and masturbates daily.
This guy's wife still asks the same question as Evelyn, how can I trust my husband again after he lied about porn? What I tell her is that his actions of coming to counseling every other week for a year and a half back up his words that he's trying to change his behavior (How Do I Trust My Husband Again). She then has to make a choice to trust in his words that are also backed up by his actions of going to counseling and changing his behavior.
For Evelyn to be smart about beginning to trust her husband again after he lied about porn again she needs to see action from him, like getting counseling help.
Freeing yourself from a relationship that's abusive is tough enough, but then comes the need for recovering from it too. Unfortunately, recovering from an abusive relationship can be even harder than leaving one.
Sadly, many victims don't recognize the full extent of the damage left from their abusive relationship (examples of verbal abuse). So they frequently don't make the effort heal and purge themselves of the toxic baggage they take away with them. As a result, most abuse victims either just go out and pick another abuser for their next partner, or never take the chance on finding another (better) relationship.
The scars left by abusive relationships can include distorted thinking, inability to value self, fears over getting hurt, staying emotionally distant, unable to trust and things even worse.
Why would anyone want to hang on to that 'damaged baggage'? No one would, but most victims don't see the damage, and recovering from an abusive relationship is something few of us know how to really do.
Below is a Google+ post I wrote about 'payback' for abuse that's really about healing from an abusive relationship. (Be sure to click the Read More button after the first 2 lines to read the full post)
Taylor Swift probably didn't set out to heal herself when she wrote this song, but the nature of her work provided her the opportunity for recovering from an abusive relationship. The payback she got from the success of the song was just a bonus.
If you've ever been abused, follow Taylor's example and start writing about that 'SOB' or 'b-tch' (use whatever colorful word you want to describe your ex). And, yes, the abuser can be a man or a woman -- here's an emotionally abusive wife. When I teach people to do this in counseling a common response is, "why would I want to think about them?" The truth is you already do, probably even more than you know.
What writing does is give our mind permission to let the garbage out. It's all trapped in there, and unless you release it and work through the feelings associated with the thoughts and memories, they'll continue to haunt, abuse and control you.
One of the most important points to recognize in recovering from an abusive relationship is that without doing the work to heal, you give your ex the ability to have power over you after he or she is long gone (Ways To Heal From An Abusive Relationship). It's time to take back your power, so get out a pen and paper, your laptop or tablet, or even your cell phone, and start writing.
What to write? You can write anything -- memories, thoughts and beliefs, feelings about the person and events. What you write, and how well you write it, is not as important as just giving your mind permission to let it out.
Recovering from an abusive relationship is hard work, and it can be scary, but it's so, so worth it. And it all begins with a choice to rid yourself of the 'damage baggage.'
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There are a lot of relationship mistakes to avoid, but one of the biggest and most common mistakes made by women is the belief, "I Can Change Him."
Both men and women can fall into the trap of believing that problems will go away in the future because the other person will change. Wishful thinking like -- hoping the future will be different, rather than accepting the current reality -- is one of the biggest relationship mistakes to avoid.
I'm counseling a couple right now who are trying to decide whether to stay married or get divorced. They both have made mistakes that they're working on changing. However, for her one of the biggest obstacles in deciding whether to stay or go is figuring out who her husband really is:
- Is he the man she 'believes' she fell in love with?
- The man he turned out to be (cheated, lied about money, etc.)?
- The man he says he's working on becoming?
- Or the man who keeps making promises he doesn't keep?
Here's a post I wrote on Google+ that talks more about top relationship mistakes. (Be sure to click the Read More button after the first 2 lines to read the full post)
While women are most often the ones who believe, "I can change him," (Common Relationship Mistakes) men have their own form of twisted thinking in relationships as well. Men often convince themselves that the problems aren't that bad and enable themselves to do this by minimizing the negative effects, distracting themselves with work and other busyness so the problems aren't so 'in their face,' or by just flat out ignoring them.
Sadly, none of these strategies works forever. Eventually the relationship problems become unbearable or take a form that can no longer be avoided. So the truth we all must face is that any form of not dealing with the present reality of who are partner is or what our partner does is one of the relationship mistakes to avoid.
Sometimes the present reality of our relationship isn't so pleasant, so understandably our mind wants to distract us from that discomfort. The couple above allowed themselves to do this for many years. Ultimately, this catches up with us all though in one form or another, which is why avoiding issues tops the list of relationship mistakes to avoid.
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“Life is short. Have an affair.” That’s the tag line of a well known cheating website. If you’re searching for a website to have an affair, they’re out there (sadly).
As a counselor who helps couples rebuild after the destruction of an affair (as well as helping men and women who are in the midst of cheating and are very confused), I hope you’ll read this whole post if you’re searching the web for a website to have an affair.
And the reason why I hope you'll read this is because the biggest thing men and women need at the moment they're giving in to their desire to cheat is a dose of reality and the truth, not the 'feel good' spin this website puts on having an affair.
“Your wife will never find out…” That’s the subject line of spam email I got from this cheating website. That’s one of the biggest myths about an affair – you can keep it a secret. The truth is that an affair almost never stays a secret.
How does this cheating website to have an affair recommend you keep it a secret?
“The #1 rule if you’re having an affair is don’t do it with a single women. Instead, date a married woman who has just as much reason to keep your affair a secret as you do.”
Nice try, but that doesn't work either.
There are all kinds of ways you can get caught having an affair that you can't control. Here are a few true stories from people I've counseled who've had affairs:
- Your sister-in-law happens to be dining at the same restaurant as you and your 'other woman' – you're busted (This guy thought he was safe because the restaurant was 100 miles away from his home).
- Your husband gets suspicious of why you always carry your phone with you – even to the bathroom, so he checks the GPS on it and finds out you aren’t where you say you are – you're busted (She believed keeping her phone always by her side and password protected would keep him from finding out -- see What Do Married Women Affairs Look Like?).
- Your wife gets a call from the 'other woman's' husband or partner telling her about the affair -- you're busted (So much for the theory of cheating with a married woman).
I could go one giving you more examples of how people have been caught having an affair, but you get the point. There are a lot of things out of your control that can make your cheating fantasy come crashing to a very ugly and sudden end. Don't fall for the lies put out by websites to have an affair.
I’m sure you’ve got plenty of reasons to justify why you have the right to have an affair. A man I’m working with right now had them. He registered on this website for affairs last year while he was very unhappy in his marriage. It’s now 9 months later and we’re just beginning to start to rebuild the trust that was broken just by his creating a profile -- he didn’t even to having a full fledged affair before his wife caught on (Do I Have A Cheating Spouse?).
If you want to be with someone else, tell your partner that before you do it. Having an affair almost never stays a secret. So don’t kid yourself that it will be different for you. Do yourself a big favor, just be honest with your soon to be ex before you cheat. It will be painful for sure, but it's a whole lot less painful than what when she finds out later you're having an affair.
Here's another truth to consider before you click on that website to have an affair. Most people after they have an affair look back on it and can't believe it was really them cheating (Your Affair Will Never Lead to True Love). For many people it just goes against who they believe they really are. They just lose themselves for a period of time in the thrill of chasing new love and leaving behind the loneliness of their broken relationship.
So for a moment, put aside you unhappy feelings about your partner, and your desire to be loved by someone new, and just think about the type of person you believe you are. Are you the type of person who would lie, deceive and destroy his family and life to feel good for a little while? Because the truth is by your clicking on a website to have an affair that's exactly what you're about to do. Think about it.
"I'm sorry" is one of the best things we can say to our partner -- but only if we really mean it. When sorry isn't said with any feeling or followed by any change, then we can start to feel -- I'm tired of hearing "sorry."
Sadly, sorry is either one of the most under-used, or over-used, words in relationships. Either way is a problem.
I hear "sorry" said almost every day in counseling men. But like a lot of the wives and girlfriends of these men, I'm tired of hearing "sorry" too when it's not really meant, isn't accompanied by any ownership, and isn't followed-up with any change.
Here's a short, but powerful post I wrote on Google+ about hearing sorry without change. (Be sure to click the Read More button after the first 2 lines to read the full post)
A guy I was counseling this week said to his wife, "sorry you're feeling that way." But he neglected to include his part in why she felt the way she did. It was clear he didn't really mean it. His wife later told me, "I'm so tired of hearing 'sorry'."
Here are 3 requirements that need to go along with saying "sorry":
- "Sorry" has to be said with feeling. It's best if it's personalized by saying, "I'm sorry;" instead just a generic "sorry." The bottom line is you have to really mean it when you say it.
- "Sorry" needs to be connected to our behavior. We need to take responsibility for our part in why saying sorry is necessary. Taking responsibility is best done by following the "I'm sorry" above with a description of what about ourselves we're regretful for.
- The most important part that makes a "sorry" genuine is that it's followed up with change. When we're really sorry we work at changing ourselves so we don't have to say sorry again.
Without all 3 of these pieces, your saying sorry can just elicit an, "I'm tired of hearing sorry," response from your partner.
Are you tired of hearing "sorry" too? Please share a little about why in a comment below.
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If you're asking yourself, do I need anger management, you need to be ready to give yourself an honest answer. Just needing to ask that question gives some indication what the true answer really could be.
Evaluating our behavior is an important aspect of being a healthy, responsible person. Many of us refuse to do this until we get a 'wake-up call' that there could be a problem with our behavior. A common area where this occurs, especially for men, is with needing anger management.
We all can easily justify our anger, rather than being open-minded to seeing it's negative effects. I've worked with a lot of men in anger management classes who haven't been open to seeing the negative effects of their anger until they've gotten that 'wake-up call' -- like when they threw their kid across the room, pulled the dishwasher out of the cabinet, or punched a hole in the wall. When there's a lasting effect from our anger, it can help us wake-up and ask ourselves, do I need anger management?
Here's a post I wrote on Google+ about why people need anger management. It explains one of the signs that is often present when we're asking ourselves, do I need anger management? The sign is also a clue to the honest answer as well. (Be sure to click the Read More button after the first 2 lines to read the full post)
An important point from this post is this: What makes anger wrong is not the anger itself, but rather what people do with it. Why people need anger management is because they let their anger become mean, cruel and hurtful. Everyone has the right to be angry, but no one has the right to let their anger hurt others.
I was counseling a man this week who calls his wife an "a--hole," "bitch," "stupid" and few others choice words, some of which I wouldn't publish (use your imagination). Could this behavior be a sign that this guy should be asking himself, "do I need anger management?" Yes.
Although this man's anger is understandable, the cruel way he expresses it is not. The result of this guy's anger happens to be that he's presently living back with his parents while he and his wife are doing couples counseling with me to decide whether or not to stay married or get divorced.
Sadly, this guy wanted to argue about whether or not calling someone (note his wife) an "a--hole" is hurtful, disrespectful and demeaning. In his mind, that word doesn't have that effect, but for his wife it does (what it's like Married To An Angry Man).
One of the ways we answer the question, do I need anger management, is by looking at the effects of our anger. The guy above needs to open his mind to the truth that his anger, and how he expresses it, is partly why he's in counseling and facing the possibility of a divorce (more How To Know If You Need Anger Management).
Could you be a little like this guy? Wanting to justify your anger rather than be open-minded to seeing it's negative effects. As I said in the post, most angry people don't realize, or refuse to recognize, how their anger hurts others (and themselves). Find out the kind of men who go to anger management classes.
Do yourself a big favor and open your mind to recognizing how your anger hurts others -- and yourself (I had to do this myself). When you do, you'll know the honest answer to your question, do I need anger management? Answering that question truthfully will change your life for the better in so many ways you can't imagine -- trust me, I know.
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There are typically many, many signs your husband doesn't love you. The problem is almost never that there aren't enough signs -- the problem is almost always wives not wanting to see and accept them.
Some of the signs can be hard to spot, but not all of them. However, the biggest reason we don't see the signs is because we don't want to see them, so we define them as meaning something other than the truth that my husband doesn't love me.
There are certain times of the year when showing signs we love our partner is expected, and societal pressure usually forces us to act -- the biggies typically are Valentine's Day, Christmas, our wedding anniversary and birthday. Yet it's important for all of us that we don't put too much meaning into the 'I love you's' expressed on these days. We all demonstrate and prove we love our partners by what we do every day of the year, not just on special occasions.
Here's a list signs your husband doesn't love you that are all true. They come from the lives of people I'm counseling right now. These signs don't come just from wives who are needing help seeing and accepting the signs their husband doesn't love them, but also from husbands who are struggling to see and accept the signs that their wives don't really love them as well.
1. Love Cards on Holidays, but Never Anything Else
What if your husband didn't get you anything for Christmas, could that be a sign your husband doesn't love you? What if you had to buy and wrap your own Christmas gifts every year, but he took credit for giving you them as if they were gifts coming from him? (read When He Doesn't Love You Back) But what if the same husband gave you cards expressing his love for you on holidays, and not just one card, but multiple cards each time, would that be prove that he really does love you?
2. When There Is Love, It Never Lasts
What if your wife was telling you yesterday that you're a "piece of sh-t," she "can't stand to be around you," and wants you "out of my life forever." Then less than 24-hours later she's hugging you, being affectionate towards you, and then has sex with you. Would this mean that what she said the day wasn't true?
3. You're Always the Problem (i.e. You're The Reason He Doesn't Change)
What if whenever you tell your husband how unhappy you are in your marriage and what you need him to change to make it better, he always shifts the conversation around to what's wrong with you? What if he always says you're the reason he doesn't love you more? What if you're always the problem and he never is? Could that be a sign your husband doesn't love you?
4. Doesn't Accept (i.e. really Love) You
What if your wife is always finding fault with you? What if it seems like in her eyes you can never do anything right? And when you do seem to finally get it 'right,' another thing you don't do right pops up? What if you looked back over your relationship and saw a pattern of her lack of accepting (i.e. really loving) you?
5. There's Never Any Change
What if you ask your husband to change and he never does? What if he doesn't seem to hear you, so you ask again and again, even to the point of nagging? What if you plead, but get no response? What if you get so fed up and angry that you 'rant' at him trying to get him to hear you and act, and yet he still takes no action? Could you be banging your head against the signs your husband doesn't love you?
This is not an exhaustive list and is really just a start to the signs your husband doesn't love you. I could list many, many more -- signs such as your relationship always revolves around him, and his needs and wants always come first; he's never willing to compromise to meet some of your needs; he never compliments or praises you -- i.e. never says anything loving (When He Doesn't Love You Anymore).
It's easier to see the signs a husband doesn't love his wife in another wife's marriage more than it is in your own. Another important point is that the signs your husband doesn't love you can be the same as the signs your wife doesn't love you. I intentionally intermixed unloving signs from both husbands and wives in the above examples because they're interchangeable. Unloving behavior is unloving behavior, and it doesn't matter which partner it comes from.
When we love someone, we care about them, we accept them, we respect them, we make them and their needs a priority, and we express our love for them in big and small ways. When we don't do this, it means the opposite. If you're in a relationship where there's a consistent pattern of the opposite happening, then you need to see and accept the signs your husband doesn't love you.
Warning!! If you're already feeling lonely, you're likely to feel it even more so over the next week. With Valentine's Day less than a week away, those of us who already feel lonely will likely be asking ourselves even more, "why is everyone else in love?"
When we're alone, or in a loveless relationship, it's really easy to only see happily in love couples all around us. It can seem like everyone else is in love except for us. A wife told me yesterday in marriage counseling that everyone of her friend's husbands "adore" and "love" their wives, but hers doesn't do the same to her.
Here's an interesting post I wrote on Google+ in December about comparing our relationship (and happiness) to others. This was very relevant during the holidays, it is again around Valentine's Day, but really can at all times of the year. (Be sure to click the Read More button after the first 2 lines to read the full post)
When you're wondering why is everyone else in love, here are 2 important points to remember:
- Be aware of when you're even more prone to struggle with thinking this way. As I noted earlier, the holidays can be such a time, when we're around family and friends can be another, and especially when we're unhappy with your own relationship status (Why does everyone else deserve love?) -- When we see what others around us have, it can make feelings of loneliness and discontent seem more intense. And the disappointment and dissatisfaction in our own relationship can start to overwhelm us.
- Our observations of others being in love is only our perception, we don't know it's really the truth. We all can look one-way from the outside and be completely different on the inside. Many relationships look much happier and more in love than they really are -- We need to be very careful about comparing our unhappy relationship circumstances with the ‘perceived’ joy of others. The grass is NOT always greener elsewhere.
It's really important to remember that our wondering why is everyone else in love, especially when we're not, is almost always more about our circumstances than the truth that everyone else is really in love. Ironically, learning to manage our thoughts about love is one of the things that can make us more attractive and help us get the love we're missing.
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