Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 30, 2010
Q: My husband and I have been to a marriage counselor to improve our marriage. We have an ongoing issue that we cannot resolve. My question is....Why Can't My Husband Communicate With Me?He lies to me and hides things from me. Mainly pertaining to communication with his ex's that he has children with. He has agreed to tell me when they contact him or share with me anything pertaining to their child support issues. However he still does not tell me these things unless I stumble across them myself. Which I have, once again.
When I ask him about it, he becomes very angry and says he does not share with me because I get so upset over it. I tell him I am upset over the fact that he did not tell me about it and Not the issue itself, but he refused to believe me. He turns it all around that I am always saying he is the one that needs to change and not me, because I am so perfect. And around and around we go. He has never apologized for keeping secrets from me and feels justified in doing so. This goes back to our problem of "Who goes first?" Why should he when it's all my fault? Why should I when it's all his fault? It's a vicious circle that we can't get out of. I don't know how to change it. All I want is for him to share with me these communications, but he refuses and continues to lie to me and hide things. I don't know what to do about it.
--Erin C.
A: I’m sure a lot of couples can relate to your struggle with marriage communication, especially - "Who goes first? Why should he when it's all my fault? Why should I when it's all his fault? It's a vicious circle that we can't get out of… and around and around we go.” I couldn't have described this typical marriage communication dance any better.
One of the answers to your question of why can’t my husband communicate with me is because he feels the need to protect himself from you. It can be seen in his defensiveness. This is a common barrier in marriage communication.
If you can understand some of the reasons why he feels the need to defend himself, you'll find some ways to get your husband to communicate with you more. Try thinking about what could be going on for him, as well as what you could be doing, that are triggering his defensiveness.
Here are a couple of ideas to help get you started:
- SAFETY He doesn't feel safe to share things. This may come partly from your experience together, but it can also come from other past experiences as well. The origins aren’t as important as just being aware that he feels unsafe and that safety and trust needs to be built between you two.
- HISTORY Obviously you have a history of fighting over this topic. History has a way of becoming like a snow ball rolling down a hill. It gets rolling faster and faster, gets bigger and bigger, and becomes harder and harder to stop. Look for ways to start writing a new history of how you two deal with this issue without fighting.
- IDENTITY He’s protecting his self-identity. Sharing details about his relationships with ex’s requires revealing parts of himself that he’s probably uncomfortable with others, especially you, knowing. Use this knowledge to be more understanding of why he's uncomfortable communicating with you.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 25, 2010
Part 2 of 2
Think you might be suffering emotional abuse? Or maybe you're wondering if you might be a perpetrator of emotional abuse.
So what's emotional abuse look like?
To see the signs of emotional abuse, read over these excerpts of transcripts from Mel Gibson talking to his girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (Mel Gibson Rant).
As you read, ask yourself these questions:
- How does Mel try to control her?
- Does he threaten her? How many times? In what ways?
- Does he want her to be submissive to him? What does this look like?
- What does he blame her for? Are these things she really is responsible for?
- In what ways does he humiliate her?
Mel Gibson: Who the f--- cares? We agreed nothing. You agreed. You just f------ expect s---. Go to the g--damn jacuzzi yourself, go down to the f------ jacuzzi. You have no f------ soul! My soul is screaming because you don't have one to join mine. You have no f------ soul. I left my wife because we had no spiritual common ground. You and I have none. Zero. You won't even f------ try. (huffing again) You don't care. You don't care.
Oksana Grigorieva: You just enjoy insulting me. That's all.
MG: F--- you, I so f------ do. Because you've hurt me so bad. You insult me with every look, every breath, every heartbeat.
OG: I did not do anything. I apologize for nothing.
MG: What? What? You apologize for nothing? Well then you're a dishonest c---! Because you need to apologize for a reason.
OG: I wanted to have peace. You are unbalanced.
MG: Instinctively, I feel that. And I will not be patronized by you.
OG: You're unbalanced. You need medication.
MG: If you will not f------ admit that, then get the f--- out. I will make your g--damn life miserable. Alright?
OG: You need medication.
MG: What? What?
OG: You need medication.
MG: I need a woman, not a f------ little girl with a f----- dysfunctional c---. I need a f------ woman. I don't need medication. You need a f------ bat to the side of the head. All right? How about that? You need a f------ doctor. You need a f------ brain transplant. You need a f------ … you need a f------ soul. I need medication? I need someone who f------ treats me like a man, like a human being. With kindness, who understands what gratitude is because I f------ bend over backwards with my balls in a knot. and she gives me s--- with a f------ sour look and says I'm mean. What the f--- is that? This is mean! Get it! You get it now? What mean is? Get it? (huffing) You f------ don't care about me. I'm having a hard time and you f------ yank the rug, you bitch. You f------, selfish bitch. Don't you dare hang up on me.
OG: I can't listen to this anymore.
MG: You hang up, I'm coming over there.
OG: I'll call the police.
MG: What?
OG: I'll call the police.
MG: You f------ c---. I'm coming to my house. You're in my house, honey.
(Section cut out due to space constraints. For the full transcript, read Mel Gibson Rant)
OG: Because I'm saving my life and my daughter's life. That's what I'm doing. I don't give a damn about my music. And I don't give a damn about you spending another penny. I'm saving her life. You almost killed us, did you forget?
MG: The last three years have been a f------ gravy train for you.
OG: You were hitting a woman with a child in her hands. You! What kind of a man is that, hitting a woman when she's holding a child in her hands? Breaking her teeth, twice, in the face. What kind of man is that?
MG: Oooh, you're all angry now! You know what, you f------ deserved it.
OG: You're gonna answer, one day, boy, you're gonna answer.
MG: Huh? What? Are you threatening me?
OG: Nothing, nothing. I'm not the one to threaten.
MG: I'm threatening you? I'll put you in a f------ rose garden, you c---. You understand that? Because I'm capable of it. You understand that? Get a f------ restraining order. For what? What are you gonna get a restraining order for? For me being drunk and disorderly? For hitting you? For what?
How many signs of emotional abuse do you see?
- Control?
- Threaten?
- Make submissive?
- Blame?
- Humiliate?
That's what emotional abuse looks like. If you think you might be suffering emotional abuse, or perpetrating it, get some professional help. Marriage counselors or couples counselors can be a great help when you feel trapped and don't know how to get things to change. Change can happen, but only if you do something to make it.
Read Other Posts: Emotional Abuse Signs - Watch for These 5 Emotional Abuse Signs
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jul 24, 2010
Part 1 of 2
Looking for emotional abuse signs? Read over this transcript of Mel Gibson speaking to his girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, to see an example of emotional abuse (Mel Gibson Rant).
Look for the following 5 emotional abuse signs:
- Control
- Threaten
- Make submissive
- Blame
- Humiliate
Mel Gibson: Stay on this phone and don't hang up on me. I have plenty of energy to drive over there. You understand me? AND I WILL! SO JUST F------ LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO MY F------ RANTING. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU DO TO ME.
Oksana Grigorieva: I didn't do anything to you.
MG: A pain in the ass!
OG: You are ruining my life!
MG: You make my life so f------ difficult!
OG: Well you know what, it's so --
MG: Why can't you be a woman who f------ supports me instead of a woman that sucks off me. And just f------ sucks me dry. And wants, and wants. Go through this relationship if you're a good woman and you love me. I don't believe you anymore. I'm sick of your bulls---! Has any relationship ever worked with you? NO!
OG: Listen to me. You don't love me because somebody who loves does not behave this way. (crosstalk)
MG: Shut the f--- up. I know I'm behaving like this because I know absolutely that you do not love me and you treat me with no consideration.
OG: One second please. Can I please speak?
MG: I love you because I've treated you with every kindness, every consideration. You rejected … you will never be happy. F--- you! Get the f--- away from me! But my daughter is important! All right? Now, you have one more chance. And I mean it. Now f------ go if you want, but I will give you one more chance. (huffing with anger) You make me wanna smoke. You f----- my day up. You care about yourself.
OG: You're so selfish.
MG: When I've been so f------ good to you. You f------ try to destroy me.
Does your husband or partner speak to you like this? Then you may be suffering emotional abuse too. Emotional abuse signs are hard to recognize when you're in the relationship. So get some help from a professional counselor who has experience spotting emotional abuse signs.
Read Other Posts: What's Emotional Abuse Look Like?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 18, 2010
Q: My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy." I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?
--Ellen H.
A: Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
- We can't ignore the potential effects of the medications your husband's taking. A lot of medications lower the sex drive, so be sure to check into this as a side effect of the medications.
- Some men get a sexual-like release in other ways, such as video gaming. You mention his computer interest in "all he wants to do is return to the PC." It sounds like he's found other things that satisfy him more than sex.
- This is about much more than "my husband won't have sex with me." What else is happening here is that in this relationship one person is not being respected and loved. It's the same outcome as when he was being violent and controlling to you. So how come you haven't put your foot down on this the way you did with the domestic violence and controlling behavior?
- Get some professional help. Take this seriously, your complaint my husband won't make love to me isn't selfish and it's not just you wanting more sex than him. A marriage counselor can help you change what is happening in your marriage. And don't wait for him to be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you -- go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 16, 2010
Why do men look at porn?
- Sexual excitement and release? Yes.
- Available when partner isn’t? Yes.
- Explore fantasies? Yes.
These are the most common answers to the question, why do men look at porn? But there’s another reason that often is over looked -- Stress Management.
Why do men look at porn so habitually? Often, it is to relieve stress. Most men feel an enormous amount of stress trying to balance their work, family, and personal lives. On top of that, a lot of us guys are really bad at stress management.
Porn provides a quick, easy, and enjoyable way to relieve tension. Why bother going to the gym or learning how to make lifestyle changes when the release of porn is just a couple of clicks away on our computer or phone.
If you’re a woman and you have a man who looks at porn, try not to look at it just from a sexual point of view. Think about other reasons why he may be looking at porn.
If you’re a man who looks at porn, also consider other reasons you may be looking at porn. If you’re using it for stress management, think about a better alternative, one that comes with less secrecy, guilt, and shame.
Tip: When we understand what's really driving our behavior, we also find the secrets to change it.
For More Info on why do men look at porn, try reading: Why Men Look at Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 11, 2010
Part 3 of 3
Want to know what to do when your wife is caught cheating? Read the story of Sharon and Robert. Marriage therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this wife caught cheating in the article, Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Find out how innocently the affair started when Sharon started working with Todd in part one of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Then find out some signs of a cheating wife in part two, Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
Now here's what to do when your wife is caught cheating:
Increasingly, I find people are already enmeshed in an affair of the heart by the time they contact me, and they are terribly torn. They have a very hurt spouse but can't bear to lose their "friend." Marital implosion is close at hand. My approach seems like tough love, but I'm convinced it saves a lot of grief. The first and most important task, from which all the other things these clients must do will follow, is to take responsibility for the affair—same as if they'd had a sexual liaison. Denying it or blaming their partner's inattentiveness prevents the couple from reengaging. The only cases where it might not be best to fess up are the rare ones where the partner has no suspicions: Revealing hidden feelings just to absolve guilt is not a great idea.
Second, the affair must end. Yes, it hurts. And no, it's not possible to disengage partway and still be pals. Things get trickier if the infidelity began in the workplace, but all future interaction must be purely professional and kept to an absolute minimum.
Third, I try to help clients unearth the reasons they got overinvolved. Was their marriage failing? Did they need to build their self-esteem? Were they repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated? To prevent an encore, they must be brutally honest with themselves.
Finally, they have to build back the trust, which is the biggest obstacle to saving the marriage. I'm constantly telling people that it requires a lot of time, openness, and accountability (for example, being clear about whereabouts and coming home right after work).
What I find to be remarkably consistent is that most people don't appreciate the relationship they do have until they're about to lose it. This is what happened with Sharon. When Robert found her e-mails to Todd ("I miss you so much…I can't wait to see you," along with complaints about her home life), he was shattered and wanted a divorce. As soon as Sharon realized her husband might leave her, Todd didn't seem quite as thrilling. But saying goodbye to him, which she ultimately decided to do, was wrenching, and Robert isn't sure whether he can forgive her. The three of us are still working on understanding why the affair happened and whether they can agree to rebuild their relationship.
It's much more difficult to make your way back from a betrayal of intimate feelings than to try to refresh a marriage that may have become flat and distant. When you ignore anxiety-inducing thoughts like "I feel stuck—I wish I could run off and have fun or I feel old and dumpy—if only someone would make me feel young and sexy again," you cannot examine or deal with them in a productive manner. Instead, you unwittingly act them out, with potentially devastating results. Any good relationship takes an investment of time, effort, and emotional energy. What few people want to accept is that we can all become Sharon and Robert, and that marriage, while potentially tremendously gratifying, is always a work in progress.
Dealing with a wife caught cheating is very difficult and complicated. Don’t make the mistake of responding without the expert guidance of a marriage counselor. Also be careful that your emotions don’t cause you to react in a way that just makes things worse. It’s understandable to feel hurt and angry when you have a cheating wife, but allowing those emotions to affect how you respond is a big, big mistake.
Read how it all started in Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts; what the signs of a wife cheating look like in Part 2: Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
* This is the third of three posts examining a wife caught cheating. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the other posts about an affair and a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 09, 2010
Q: I am a man who can't stop looking at other women. I am looking for help regarding my inability to behave correctly in front of the opposite sex and especially when with my wife. I am married for 16 years and am 42 years of age. Happily married, lovely children. Everything is great, except!
When younger I used to look at other women, even when with my wife. I meant no harm, but it upset my wife and hurt her. My reaction was to stop looking at other women and avoid dealing with women. I have no interest to meet any one else or look at any one else. I am totally satisfied with my wife.
Like other men who can’t stop looking at other women, I get incidents that happen without control, a glance, that I hate and am not comfortable with and especially if the other woman notices me looking. I do not look again, but just this uncontrolled look makes me awkward and I panic, mostly out of fear of hurting my wife and risk of losing her.
When with my wife, my wife reports that I become a different person and not notice her. I notice that I feel awkward and I am not comfortable when out. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up all the time and if I relax I will fall!
When at home everything is great. Any help, guidance, advise. I love my wife and do not wish to lose her and I do not do this on purpose.
-Ahmed G.
A: Being a man who can't stop looking at other women is a big challenge for a lot of men. Most of us first developed the habit of looking at women when we were teenagers. It happens naturally and then we encourage it because of how good it made us feel.
Each time we see a sexually attractive woman our brain rewards us with a chemical high. It’s a minor high compared to other drugs, but it’s still enjoyable and addicting.
Because of this natural reward system, and the almost constant barrage to attractive women we’re exposed to in our media crazed world, many of us men have developed a regular “habit” of looking at other women. This habit can become so ingrained that our looking becomes like a natural reflex and one that we feel we have no control over.
When we get married and become a husband who can't stop looking at other women this “habit” can cause us a lot of problems, just as you’ve described.
Here are some suggestions on how to begin to change this habit:
- Recognize that it is a habit that you’ve built, not an uncontrollable reflex.
- Begin to look for ways you continue to build that habit-- such as movies, TV shows, magazines, football games, or internet porn and stop feeding it to your brain.
- Accept and get comfortable with the fact that it is natural to notice attractive women. The goal here is not to eliminate noticing, but rather how often you look and for how long.
If you’re a man who can't stop looking at other women, working with a counselor for men will give you additional steps you can take to change your behavior. Many of us men have changed how we look at other women and with help you can too.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jul 03, 2010
Part 2 of 2
What triggers a mid-life crisis? Does it just come out of no where, or does something cause mid-life to go from a transition to a crisis?
This is the second part of the two-part series examining mid-life crisis in men. Read the first post Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction for some signs of what a mid-life crisis looks like.
Here are some descriptions of a mid-life crisis by a few more experts:
If you talk to middle-aged men and women who have experienced divorce, you will find that many of them will tell you their spouse changed overnight and became someone who discarded all that was once important to him for a new life that was all about what he wanted.
A mid-life crisis was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is a normal part of the maturing process. Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might cause you to take stock in where you are in life and make some needed adjustments to the way you live your life. Most seem to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes.
Most people who have a difficult time during mid-life and go into crisis mode do so because of external factors. They may be experiencing stress in their life that makes the transition more difficult or they may have childhood issue that were never dealt with that come to the surface during this time. Some external factors that may cause this time in life to be problematic are:
• Debt: Finding yourself middle aged, in debt and facing retirement can add stress to an already stressful time in life. A person who is finding it difficult emotionally during midlife might find it easier to walk away from their family in order to rid himself of what he feels is the cause of all the debt.
• Significant Loss: The death of a parent or family member can cause grief, which is difficult enough to come to terms with, without having to also cope with the feelings of a mid-life transition. Put the loss of a loved one with the feelings that accompany mid-life and the whole process becomes bewildering and overwhelming.
• Avoidant Personality: If a person has a tendency to avoid conflict in their personal relationships, suffers from feelings of inadequacy, are emotionally distant and has low self–esteem they will find mid-life transition harder to navigate.
For some, a mid-life crisis is more complicated. It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression and the need for psychotherapy. Those who have a hard time with this transitional stage might experience a range of feelings such as:
• Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
• Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
• Feeling a need for adventure and change.
• Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
• Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
• Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down. • Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
• Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
• A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship.
Are you a man struggling with any of these? There's help available. Get the guidance of a counselor who works with mid-life crisis in men. Learn how to change your mid-life crisis into a transition to a better stage in your life.
See Related Post: Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction
Source: About.com - Mid-life Crisis - What Is A Mid-life Crisis?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jul 01, 2010
Part 2 of 3
This cheating spouse exposes the warning signs of an emotional affair. Therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this cheating spouse in the article Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Sharon's marriage had become bland. Then she met Todd at work. Read how easily it all began in the first part of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Here are some signs of a cheating spouse:
Sharon came to depend on Todd for emotional highs. The flirting, the accolades, the sympathetic ear all made her feel special. She escaped into this new involvement in a scenario that's increasingly common. Though emotional affairs have always been around, I'm seeing more of them among my clients than ever before. We've all grown so used to watching, reading, and hearing sexually suggestive material that there's no longer an obvious verbal or physical line we think we're crossing. And the exponential growth of e-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones gives us a wealth of private ways to connect. It's a snap to Google an old flame: What would have been idle fantasy a decade ago can, with the click of a mouse, grow into emotional (or sexual) infidelity.
We all know men and women who really are "just friends," and there's usually some romantic frisson, even if neither party admits it. But a healthy male-female friendship isn't clandestine.
Once a man and woman avoid telling their partners how much time they're spending on the friendship, make sure they look great anytime they're going to be together, or confide more in each other, including marital dissatisfactions, than in their spouses, they're involved in an emotional affair.
Often I'm told of a friendship that hasn't gone that far…yet. But if the possibilities are tempting, I believe that's the moment to look more closely at the marriage. What is each spouse missing that he or she needs? My prescription is for them to ask directly and answer frankly, because from everything I've seen, when a couple can't express their feelings, concerns, and dreams, they're both at risk for betrayal. I frequently talk to couples in this vulnerable state, not only about how to reclaim closeness but also how to protect their relationship from third parties. Even when a marriage can't be salvaged, I'd rather see it end amicably before either person starts up with someone new. Three habits strike me as playing with fire:
(1) Flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up,
(2) "Innocently" spending time alone with old lovers, and
(3) Hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they're doing seem like no big deal.
Do any of these signs of a cheating spouse look familiar? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, get some guidance and support from a marriage counselor. Find out from an expert in emotional affairs what to do before you react. It's really easy to make things worse and drive your spouse further away by how you respond.
Read Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts
* This is the second of three posts examining the cheating spouse. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and don't miss the last part of what to do about a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Jun 28, 2010
Q: My husband says he has a low sex drive. I'm a female in my late twenties and recently married. Right before my husband and I got married, I found out he had recently done things that were unfaithful with other women (not sex, but dates, sexual text messaging, visiting personals websites). When I confronted him, he said he did those things because he was essentially scared by our pending marriage. There was no pressure for us to get married, he had asked me without me ever suggesting it, and after what happened I suggested we postpone the wedding and he insisted we not. It was a struggle, but we decided to stay together and he has tried ever since to show me he's a faithful husband.
My problem is that after only eight months of marriage, my husband won't have sex with me. This was a bit of a problem before we were married, but now it's down to us only having sex once every two months, if that. I am in great physical shape. I get hit on and asked out a lot by men of all ages. I dress cute and respectable. I'm a hard worker, take good care of myself, and I'm intelligent. I've always been open to whatever appeals to my husband (which is still a mystery to me). I feel my husband and I have respect for each other and he's very affectionate. He says he's more attracted to me than anyone. I don't understand why my husband won't have sex with me. He says he just has a low sex drive.
I'm trying to accept this while still trying to overcome my fear of his interest in other women. Once in a while I wonder if this whole time he's been having an affair and that's why my husband won't have sex with me. I know only he could really tell me if that's the case, but how should I pursue this? I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just embarrasses him and makes me have low self esteem. One last note: We saw a commercial about "Low T" (low testosterone in men) and low sex drive and he said, "I must have that." and when I told him to look at the website he said it would be embarrassing.
--Gloria C.
A: Low sex drive in men is more common than most people think. But it has less to do with biology, like low testosterone, and more to do with the relationships men have with the women in their lives.
I often hear men say something like this, "I just don't want to be anywhere near her." Not surprisingly, they also have a low sex drive -- at least towards her. Obviously, your husband hasn't lost sexual interest in all women, since it's only been a few months since he was sexting other women.
Stop getting distracted by what are most likely excuses - scared of commitment, low sex drive, low testosterone, etc. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and get some help. I can guarantee you there are some things you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. You just need some expert help discovering what to do. If he won't go with you to see a marriage counselor, go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Check This Out: Here's a post from another wife who also says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex with Me."
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.