Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Mar 06, 2010
A common thought for many married couples, even those in semi-happy or at least not problem-filled marriages, is what divorce might be like. After many years of providing marriage counseling, I know dreaming of divorce is a regular occurrence for a lot of wives and husbands.
Below are some excerpts from the article Confessions of a Semi-Happy Wife by Ellen Tien. The article expresses the thoughts and questions many spouses (wives and husbands) ponder, which is why I'm sharing it. However, I must place a disclaimer about several aspects of the article of which I do not agree:
- The article describes men, I believe, in an overly critical, stereotypical, and demeaning manner (albeit some of it being absolutely true and funny)
- The article also suggests that marriage is obsolete and not functional in our modern society
- Finally, I believe the article presents divorce in a way that doesn't emphasize enough the pain and damage it brings
Despite these disagreements, I share the article because it reflects a very common occurrence inside marriages -- dreaming about divorce -- represents the thoughts of many spouses -- "I want a divorce" -- and reflects how many people now think about divorce.
Here are some excerpts.
- I contemplate divorce everyday.
- A question that I've asked myself from altar to present, both incessantly and occasionally. "What am I doing here?"
- Beneath the thumpingly ordinary nature of our marriage-Everymarriage-runs the silent chyron (the text that runs along the bottom of TV news broadcasts) of divorce.
- At a juncture where we thought we should have unearthed some modicum of certainty, we are turning into the Clash. If I go will there be trouble? If I stay will it be double? Should I stay or should I go?
- We, the children of mothers who settled (or were punished for not settling), wonder: Is this as good as it gets?
- Reasons and rationalizations abound and rebound. It doesn't matter whether the infractions are big or small. At a certain point, we stop asking why and start asking how. How did it come to this? How much longer can I go on?
- Conventional wisdom decrees that marriage takes work, but it doesn't take work, it is work. It's a job-intermittently fulfilling and annoying, with not enough vacation days. Divorce is a job, too (with even fewer vacation days). It's a matter of weighing your options.
- A friend once compared the prospect of leaving her husband to leaving her child's private school: The school wasn't entirely to her liking, but her daughter was happy there; it wasn't what she'd expected, but applying to other schools involved a lot of costly, complicated paperwork and the nagging uncertainty of whether another school would accept her and/or really be that much better.
- Another friend viewed divorce as being akin to an extended juice fast: You're intrigued but skeptical, admiring yet apprehensive. Is it dangerous? Does it work? You're not completely sold, but then again, you could envision yourself attempting it down the road.
Do you think about divorce too? How can you relate to these thoughts?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Mar 05, 2010
Q: HELP! My husband and I have 4 kids. Well, I have 4, he and I have 2 (you'll see why I made the separation). The reason I chose to contact you is because I am pulling my husbands teeth (as we speak) to get counseling to happen! He does not believe in telling a stranger our problems, let alone paying a stranger to "fix" them.
Simply put, we're on the verge of separation or possibly even divorce after 7 years married (ten together). Our issues range from financial (his primary complaint and excuse), to my older children (discipline, their Dad, etc.), his short temper/crappy attitude (my complaints).
Things are out of control and the marriage has lost mutual respect and affection and been replaced with animosity and the cold shoulder. My husband won't go to marriage counseling. What do I do?
--Mary B.
A: You're far from alone. A lot of women have got husbands or boyfriends who refuse to go to counseling.
There can be a lot of reasons why men don't want to go to counseling. Here are a few:
- Some guys have had past experiences with counseling that in their view hasn't been good or successful
- A lot of men don't like to acknowledge that they don't know something or can't fix something themselves
- Going to counseling means admitting there's a problem and something needs to change - another thing some men don't want to acknowledge
- Some men refuse to go to counseling as a way to control their partner and the relationship
A lot of women suggest marriage counseling for years, ask their husband to go over and over again, and even find a "guy friendly" counselor like me, but they never end up going because every time they mention it, he refuses.
A woman contacted us this week to schedule an appointment for her and her husband, but when he refused to go she gave up -- "Unfortunately, my husband will not come so I will not need the appointment time. Thank you and I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Here's a powerful concept that a lot more women need to grasp - you don't need him to go to counseling for you to go yourself or for your relationship to change.
Here's what's happened when women have come by themselves for marriage counseling:
- Some husbands end up coming after she does to tell "his side of the story" and set the counselor straight
- The women learn skills and tools they can use to change their relationship -- and their relationship starts to change (see the article How to Save My Marriage - When I Can't Get My Husband to Change for a real example from Carrie)
- These women also empower themselves, and their children, and start to take better care of themselves
- All of the women learn that marriage counseling doesn't require both partners to work
So what do you do when your husband, fiancée, or boyfriend won't go to counseling? Go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Mar 04, 2010
Part 3 of 3
Carrie's been thinking the following about her husband for quite a while:
So what's Carrie tried to do about these worries? She's tried to talk to him about how she feels and what she thinks.
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She's told him she doesn't feel that he loves her anymore
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She's told him she thinks he's depressed
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She's told him he should go to counseling
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She's told him he should see his doctor
For Al, like most men, it feels like all Carrie does is nag him. He's told her a number of times, "don't pressure me." Carrie's got some good ideas about what's going on, but after years of her telling him things he doesn't want to hear, all Al hears anymore is "blah, blah, blah."
Al's mood is also unpredictable. Carrie says it seems like he's always either grumpy or angry. So she does everything she can to keep the peace in the house as she and the kids walk around on eggshells.
Her direct approach -- tell him what she thinks and what he should do -- hasn't worked. And her avoidant approach -- keep from making him more upset -- hasn't worked either.
So she kept asking herself, "How do I save my marriage?" What does she do when she can't get her husband to change? Change her strategies. She needs to start being direct about the things she's been avoidant and avoidant about the things she's been direct. For example:
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When Al erupted in the car, screaming at her and calling her names in front of the kids, she was avoidant and just tried, understandably, to survive by doing nothing. That was a time to be direct, not verbally, but through action. She should have gotten herself and the kids out of the car and not gone to dinner with him.
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The things she's been direct about telling him, she needs to back off and be more avoidant about. This will require her to find another outlet, like counseling, to express these thoughts and feelings. Al needs space and he's been telling her that through his actions and words, but Carrie hasn't gotten the message because her fears, again understandably, have been too powerful.
Carrie and I have worked on a plan in marriage counseling of how she could do this. Then when she started to practice these new strategies she started to see some results. Her marriage isn't fixed by a long shot, but Al has gone to the doctor, and he is exploring counseling. That's progress.
It's just a start, and obviously there's a lot more to do. But it's some change in her husband that Carrie thought would never be possible.
If you can relate to either Carrie or Al, think about how you could change-up some of the strategies you're using as well.
A final take away -- you'll notice that Carrie came to marriage counseling by herself. You can do this too. If your partner isn't willing to go to marriage counseling, go without them. Changing a marriage doesn't require the participation of both partners.
* This is the third and final post examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. You can read the other posts by clicking here:
How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore
How to Save My Marriage - When I Think My Husband is Depressed
Sign-up for this blog on the right side of this page (you can get notified by email or RSS feed) and you'll get FREE advice that you can put to work to make your relationship better.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Feb 27, 2010
So why do men look at pornography? Here are some reasons suggested by colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D., from his article Why Men Use Porn and What Women (and Men) Need to Know About It.
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. "If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. "I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. "I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"
But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?
1. They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.
2. They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.
3. In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.
4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.
5. Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we're hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.
6. Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.
7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.
8."Instant gratification isn't fast enough for me,"one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may be the perfect solution for our times.
So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they're looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex?
There are some other significant reasons that I've discovered in my counseling for men struggling with Internet pornography. I'll share those reasons in another article. In the meantime, please share your thoughts below about why men look at porn.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Feb 25, 2010
Q: I was- and still am having an affair. I tried to break it off but failed. My primary reason for seeking counseling is to learn to deal with a breakup. I've never been able to do it. I had a terrible 7 year relationship in the past because of this. I may be married because of this. My marriage is now ending because of this.
My wife still doesn't know about the affair but my feelings for her are nowhere to be found, the desire to find them is not there. I tried to split with the other woman over the period of a month but couldn't stay away. She began a relationship in that time and is now torn between the two of us but with my situation I can't ask her to commit to me.
I move out next weekend. I've been telling myself (and others) that my wife and I are just so different (plus she is 11 yrs older than me) and holding each other back. I think the truth is I'm leaving her for a woman I can't have and don't even know if I really want. My emotions are intense and my judgment is clouded. How do I end an affair?
--Rick M.
A: I hear some positives things, despite the fact that you're having an affair, your marriage is falling apart, and you're moving out. It's good that you recognize the pattern of broken relationships that is partly due to your struggle with breakups. Another positive is your awareness that at the moment your emotions are very strong and your judgment is not good.
Seeing patterns we create in our lives as well as recognizing when we can't see things clearly are important pieces to our being able to discover how to change our lives. Many men who are having affairs have particular difficulty with these two. You're way ahead of where many people are at when they first come into counseling.
I'd suggest that rather than try to push things with either your wife, or the other woman, you just let things settle down. Go ahead and move out. Give yourself some space and time to figure out what's really the best thing for you.
One thing I know from working with married men having affairs is that you're really going to have to work hard not to pursue one oo both of these women. The potential loss of both of them, and realization that you could end up all alone, could propel you to pursue them when the best thing maybe just to sit still.
Men in the middle of affairs really need the professional wisdom of a counselor who's experienced in guiding guys through these challenges. Having a trusted confidant and partner to walk along side you is invaluable. Many of the men I've worked with will tell you that it's the best investment, yes investment, you can make with your time and money.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Feb 23, 2010
Part 2 of 3
Carrie's husband is unpredictable. She says she walks around on eggshells because of it.
To try to keep the peace she tells their 6 and 10 year old kids to "let daddy have a pleasant evening."
Despite her peace keeping efforts, she says his anger is becoming more regular. At Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, he screamed across the room at her, "If you want to stay married to me you'll never do that again."
She cried in her hands as she recited to me in counseling the numerous ways he degrades her and hurts her with his words.
At other times Al tells her that he doesn't deserve her and says he knows that his anger will lead to the end of their marriage. She wonders . . . if he's given up . . . if he's having an affair . . . what he does on his FaceBook page.
She tried to kiss him last week and he turned away saying "don't pressure me."
"I hate my life," he told her. "I hate myself."
She said to me, "I think my husband is depressed. What do you think?"
We talked about what depression can look like in men. I told her in men it often looks just like stress. Here are some common depression symptoms in men:
- Anger
- Irritability
- Moodiness (this can be grumpy, or an emotional roller coaster, much like the eggshells Carrie walks around on)
It wouldn't be surprising if Al is depressed, I told her. A lot of men are. In fact, most men when they get depressed still function quite well in many areas of their lives, particularly professionally. So the external symptoms can be misleading. The signs are most often evident in their interpersonal interactions, especially with loved ones.
As Carrie and I talked she kept crying. She just couldn't forget the feeling that "he doesn't love me" and kept questioning how that is connected to his mood. "How do I save my marriage?"
I suggested to her that he may still love her despite what his actions show. However, that love has been covered over and she just can't see it right now. Depression, stress, and unhappiness with himself have blanketed the his love for her and keep it hidden. With those things removed it's possible she could see him love her again.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your husband look something like hers?
* This is the second post of three examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. You can read the first post, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore here. In the final post we'll take a look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this story (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Feb 20, 2010
Many men are mad as hell. Our anger isn't just hurting us, such as destroying our marriages, it's also killing us.
You may think your anger isn't this extreme, or that you don't get angry, but if you're like most of the men I work with, anger is affecting you negatively more than you realize. All of us, myself included, need to take the destructive aspects of anger seriously and change some of our habits.
Here are some interesting facts about extreme anger from the article Why So Angry? published in Men's Health. Take a minute and see what you can learn.
- According to a 2006 Harvard study, 10 million adult men in the United States are so angry, they're sick. In fact, their disease has a name: intermittent explosive disorder, or IED.
- Previous estimates put the number of IED sufferers in America at less than 0.5 percent of the population. But if the Harvard researchers are correct, almost 1 in 10 adult men routinely display wildly disproportionate aggression, and are so angry that they're likely to damage property, or threaten or injure others.
- Considered alone, the symptoms of the disorder are easy to dismiss: a commuter flipping off a fellow driver in a traffic jam, a basketball player charging the stands during an NBA game, the guy I saw a few rows back screaming at the hot-dog vendor because he had no mustard left. But there's more behind an IED diagnosis than a few isolated acts of rage. "If you're blowing up a couple of times a week, you probably have the disorder," says Emil Coccaro, M.D., a leading anger researcher at the University of Chicago. "The average person shouldn't be having arguments and temper tantrums."
- "Anger is like cigarette smoking," says Howard Kassinove, Ph.D., an anger researcher at Hofstra University. "In the short run, you feel good. In the long run, you're more likely to die of heart disease or stroke. People think it's macho to be angry. It's more macho to be alive."
- Michael Overstreet used to think his fuse was simply short. When the 46-year-old Minnesota engineer was 15, he chased his sister to her bedroom and booted away at the door until it splintered and he could see inside. Years later, he'd turn from loving husband to drill sergeant in a snap, leaving his 3-year-old son to referee between screaming father and sobbing mother. . . Finally, his wife had enough and ended the marriage.
- Is it any surprise, then, that Overstreet's grandfather used to lash out when his mashed potatoes had too much gravy?
- Most anger is productive. In Anger: Taming the Beast, therapist Reneau Peurifoy proposes a three-part test to decide whether your anger is helpful, rather than hurtful: (1) A real threat existed. (2) The level of your anger was proportionate to the threat. (3) Your actions.
- Dr. Coccaro proposes an easier test to determine whether you should seek help: "Ask yourself: Does it get me into trouble?" he says. "It really is that simple. If people tell you that you have to calm down, or that you have an anger problem, you probably have one."
- In fact, more than 30,000 heart attacks each year are triggered by momentary anger, according to a 2004 Harvard study. "People who have a lot of anger invest a lot of energy in trying to control it, and that kind of friction is likely to increase the probability of a heart attack," says Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a University of South Florida psychologist who developed the most widely used test to measure anger. "The more intense the anger, the more likely the heart attack."
- Other studies have shown that angry men are three times more likely to develop premature cardiovascular disease, six times more likely to have an early heart attack, and three times more likely to have a stroke.
- In other words, chill or die.
- Last fall, Michael Overstreet felt like he had his anger licked when he took his fiancée to Breezy Point, Minnesota, for a friend's wedding. That night, they returned to the condo they were sharing with other couples, only to find the front door locked.
"Suddenly, I began pounding on the door, and my friend's wife came out and confronted me," Overstreet recalls. "I was screaming at her and calling her a bitch, saying, 'Why the f--- am I locked out?' Some of the guys got protective and stepped in. It was an unsettling event for everyone."
The blowup was textbook IED: A simple argument rapidly escalated. Overstreet was forced to sleep in a separate condo, and, afterward, he wrote personal letters of apology to all his friends and their wives who had witnessed his outburst. The rush of guilt is another telltale sign of IED.
Soon after, his fiancée returned the engagement ring. But he's had no major blowups since then, and now the engagement is back on. He says that maybe, just maybe, he finally has his temper under control. His only regret is that he didn't seek help sooner. His message to men: Don't let anger destroy your life.
If you're a little like Michael, or the partner of someone who is, take his advice and get some help. Anger management classes can help you both can keep anger from destroying your lives.
Know anyone who's anger looks like this?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Feb 18, 2010
Q: I've been struggling with an anger problem for years. Over the course of the last year and a half or so, it's gotten worse. I've got a wonderful wife who has been amazing, but I'm at the end of my rope. My inability
to understand or even control my anger is tearing my life to pieces. Please help me.
--Brian O.
A: I've been where you're at -- I've got an anger problem too (although it's successfully managed now though), and at one time I didn't understand where my anger came from nor had a clue how to control it.
For many of us with anger management problems, anger comes out of no where and overwhelms us like a tidal wave. This is particularly true for us men. I've found in my counseling work with men that most of us, including myself, are only aware of our emotions when they're at extremes -- like angry or excited. Even then, our awareness often only occurs after the fact and with feedback from others, such as our wives.
This lack of awareness can change though. It's just a result of us not being dialed in to the right frequency. Anger management is much like adjusting the tuning on a radio. Once you know how to adjust the frequency, which frequency you're looking for, and what's blocking your reception, you can get the station you want loud and clear.
Here's the two prong approach I've developed for men in my anger management classes:
- Management -- Learning how to manage your anger. I teach anger techniques specially designed for how men work. Once you're using the right anger management techniques you're half way there.
- Prevention -- Discover what's contributing to your anger. This element is absent from most anger management classes, but without it you'll never be successful. It's crucial to learn the things, past and present, which feed your anger.
If you'll learn management and prevention, I guarantee you'll join myself and thousands of other men who "used to" struggle with an anger problem.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to subscribe to this blog in the box to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it’s published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Feb 16, 2010
Part 1 of 3
Carrie's husband came home after closing a big sale and said let's take the kids out to dinner. So she loaded everyone into her car and waited for Al. When he sat down in the passenger seat, he erupted.
Al lit into her like a machine gun -- "How many times have I told you . . . ?" "Your car always smells like . . ." "You're so . . ."
Carrie had forgotten that her dirty gym clothes were still sitting on the passenger side floor. She says Al doesn't like her leaving them in her car. As she recalled the event days later, and in a moment of clarity in my office, she stated that it is her car, not his.
Nevertheless, that night she sat in the car paralyzed as he unloaded on her. Their 6 and 10 year old kids sat silently in the back seat. They all eventually got to the restaurant, but Al didn't get any nicer and their 6 year old son cried through most of the meal.
At her next counseling session she told me some of her thoughts:
- He doesn't love me
- I want to take care of my children and be happy
- He doesn't care about his family
- I don't have the ability to help (him)
- I can't take this way of life anymore
- He needs help
- I am done
Sadly, Carrie has been thinking these thoughts for quite a while. Even sadder is the fact that she's far from alone. A lot of wives have marriages that look something like hers and they have many of the same thoughts too.
Carrie doesn't know how to save her marriage. She's been married to Al for 14 years, and even though it wasn't like this in the beginning, it's been like this for a long time. She's thought about marriage counseling for years, but never went until now.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your marriage, or maybe a friend's, look something like this? Share a thought with other readers and let them know they're not alone.
* This is the first of three posts examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do to save her marriage. In the next post we'll take a look at her husband and try to understand what's happening for him in this marriage. Finally, in the third post we'll look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage. Sign-up for this blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss any parts of this story (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Feb 13, 2010
It's valuable for us to hear the experience others. Sometimes we can see and recognize ourselves easier when we're looking at someone else's life.
With that in mind, I want to share the thoughts of another married man. Bruce Sallan writes the blog A Dad's Point of View. The following are a few excerpts from his post Marriage -- It's Complicated. He wrote it after seeing the movie It's Complicated with his wife. See what you can learn from his love and marriage experience and the wisdom he shares.
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There's a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate. Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them. Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.
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This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don't put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage.
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As a couple we've become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds. I'll speak for myself in saying it's cowardly and I hate when I'm doing it, I'm actually ashamed of myself, but I'm too stubborn to back off. It's a classic lose-lose, but I'm right in my mind, even when I'm sleeping on the couch.
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I know I'm not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men's group. I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting. To take a phrase from our group, how I "show up" makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can "let it go," maybe give my wife a hug even when I'm irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.
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In a recent
therapy session, our therapist had some wise words. He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments,
both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make? What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it's childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I've hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with.
He gives some great examples of how love and marriage is really complicated -- and how each partner contributes to couples communication and marriage problems. You can read the whole post here: Marriage -- It's Complicated.
I can see some of myself in here. Can you?