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Looking at Other Women - Why Men Look & How To Stop


Looking At Other WomenA lot of men struggle with looking at other women. Here's a submission I received from just such a guy and my recommendations on how he can learn to stop.

Q: Looking at other women has become a big problem for me. I want to learn how to stop looking at other women. I need help regarding my inability to behave correctly in front of the opposite sex and especially when with my wife. I am married for 16 years and am 42 years of age. Happily married, lovely children. Everything is great, except -- looking at other women!

When younger I was just another guy who looks at other women, even when with my wife. I meant no harm, but it upset my wife and hurt her. My reaction was to stop looking at other women and avoid dealing with women. I have no interest to meet any one else or look at any one else. I am totally satisfied with my wife.

Like other men looking at other women, I get incidents that happen without control, a glance, that I hate and am not comfortable with and especially if the other woman notices me looking. I do not look again, but just this uncontrolled look makes me awkward and I panic, mostly out of fear of hurting my wife and risk of losing her.

When with my wife, my wife reports that I become a different person and not notice her. I notice that I feel awkward and I am not comfortable when out. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up all the time and if I relax I will fall!

When at home everything is great. Any help, guidance, advice. I love my wife and do not wish to lose her and I am not looking at other women on purpose.  --Ahmed G.

A: Looking at other women is a big challenge for a lot of men. Congratulations for seeing this as a problem and seeking help. Usually it's from women I hear the complaint "he looks at other women," not from men.

Why do men look at other women? Most of us first developed the habit of looking at women when we were teenagers. It happens naturally and then we encourage it because of how good it makes us feel. Each time we see a sexually attractive woman our brain rewards us with a chemical high. It’s a minor high compared to other drugs, but it’s still enjoyable and addicting. 

This natural reward system is the beginning reason why men look at other women. With the almost constant barrage of attractive women we’re exposed to in our media crazed world, many of us men have developed a regular “habit” of looking at other women. This habit can become so ingrained that our looking becomes like a natural reflex and one that we can feel we have no control over.

Unfortunately, our media exposure has only made this a more and more difficult battle for men. Advertisements by Carl's Jr., Victoria Secret, car and beer makers all use scantily clad women, in sexually provocative poses to sell their products (are we buying the car, the girl, or does the girl come with the car?) contribute to why men look at other women.

When we get married or in a committed relationship we need to stop being a man who looks at other women. If we don't, this “habit” can cause us a lot of problems, just as you’ve described.

I've worked with many men who've had big conflict in their relationships because of they look at other women. One guy's wife called it his "ogling." I've seen guys struggle with this (and their partner attack them for it) in the most unexpected places too -- noticing a woman in the church parking lot, in a cross walk while sitting at a stop light, a woman jogging on the side of the road as you drive past. All are opportunities for men to let their eyes wander.

Here are some suggestions on how to stop looking at other women:

  1. Recognize that it is a habit that you’ve built, not an uncontrollable reflex.
  2. Begin to look for ways you continue to build that habit -- such as movies, TV shows, magazines, football games, or internet porn and stop feeding it to your brain (read My Husband Looks At Porn to learn more).
  3. Accept and get comfortable with the fact that it is natural to notice attractive women. The goal here is not to eliminate noticing, but rather how often you look and for how long.

Hopefully this give some understanding why men look at other women. If you’re a man who can't stop looking at other women, working with a counselor for men will give you additional steps you can take to change your behavior. Many of us men have learned how to stop looking at other women and with help you can too.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 9, 2010 and has been completely revamped and updated with new information.

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This is a great response and good advice...but what if the roles are reversed and it is the wife or one's girlfriend is the one looking? More specifically, I have a girlfriend who "stares" at a man, locking eyes with him for seconds at a time and she does it multiple times in the same night at the same guy. When confronted, she reacts by sayting that she is just looking and that she looks at everyone, not just men. I truly don't care if she looks and I tend to believe looking is natural. But the long "locking eyes" thing seems wrong and is troublesome to me. Your thoughts? 
Posted @ Monday, October 11, 2010 8:48 PM by Ray
I would drop her like a hot potato. She's only a gf and she acts that way? What will she do after marriage and the boredom kicks in a little? Put an end to it now or you're asking for a world of heartache. Good luck!
Posted @ Saturday, August 13, 2011 7:08 AM by Tattooedmotoguy
Women do the same thing. They are just sneakier. You are a man. It's not a habit it's an instinct. Do what she does and do it sneaky. Just practice it. Its only bad if you get caught.
Posted @ Monday, August 22, 2011 10:46 PM by Ryan
uhhh Ray your wife is cheating.
Posted @ Monday, August 22, 2011 10:48 PM by Ryan
The long locking eyes suggest she's either 1. Not that into you or 2. Just a very insecure (selfish) individual who needs to feed that insecurity to feel whole and attractive. 3. One of those people who get her kicks torturing another into a jealous fit. Either way, It sounds like it could become a co-dependent thing and her emotional problems will soon be on your shoulders. She needs to grow up. Or you need to find someone who's reached your maturity level. She's not there - yet. When you find someone who wants to be on the same page, has that capacity and can spiritually grow at the same pace.. you've found someone worth investing your time in. My advice.. lose the immature girl/woman. Find someone worth your time.
Posted @ Thursday, October 13, 2011 1:06 AM by Martin
well, I also don't think its natural, not only because I am the same species, mind you not the gender of male, and I don't follow the trends of people and do it and use the excuse its human nature, it really isnt. I can notice a pretty house, or flower, or car off in the distance, or with peripheral vision, however once I am close or beside such objects, I have a choice whether or not to take a closer look, as well a choice to keep looking before I even arrive at such objects. Thats right, I have used the word OBJECT for a reason. However looking at a nice home or flower usually will not hinder the emotions of your partner. I will say upon my observations that most men do however lust over what society has brainwashed (exterior beauty) to be. I have met very few men that are devoted, or can fully focus on their female and not give in to the temptations to the eyes. Its quite unnecessary, and the only words I have ever offered to a man is the truth. One, don't waste your breath telling me I am the most beautiful woman in your eyes, if there was any truth to this statement then in my presence your eyes would never wander for everything you have every stated to be beautiful holds no candle over me. Two, it's downright pathetic and disrespectful to whoever the lady of your choosing you are with. Three, men do not have age radar, and some girls they (can't help) themselves looking at could very well be children, I as a young girl often remembered wanting to shop at the mall and catch men, alone and with their women checking me out and thinking, why can't I even be safe from these types of guys while shopping? That's right guys, you make children feel unsafe, and don't think for a second you haven't if you are one of these guys that can't help your so called natural urges, kids are looking more developed and older then what they are, and you sir, give them the impression of being a predator or pedophile. Four, I ask them if they would like me to look at other men in front of them and undress them mentally and sex them mentally...most guys don't like this thought, and if it didn't gross me out to behave in such a way I would actually do it to prove a point and make sure it was very obvious. Five, ask him if he looks at his daughter pervertedly, if not ask him if he would like men looking at her and undressing her with their perverted minds, I'm sure this would hit a soft spot, then remind him everytime he does it he is looking at someone elses daughter....double standards anyone? Six, what most guys don't understand is that there are a few things that run through a womans mind when she catches him looking at her while he is with his girlfriend, 1. you are an idiot, your woman is with you and your looking at me how disrespectful, 2, are you single, (if she is attracted). 3. Hahahahah I'm better looking then your girlfriend and you just proved it by looking at me fool. 4. What an ugly, nasty looking guy, why would he even think for a second my beauty was placed on this planet to be peirced by his stupidy and lack of self control, on top of that hes taken and ulgy! If guys really knew what was going on in a womans mind, not only the prey he was looking at, but his poor woman at his side, I'm sure we would have alot of men in this world rewiring their instilled wiring of thought process., then again if hes typical you must remember its natural lol and theres nothing wrong at what hes doing, including hurting the feelings of the woman he considers his soulmate. It is really black and what! 
If my man wanted me to stop cooking with hot sauce because it was buring his insides, and this was a new way of cooking for me, the first few times would be considered mistakes, but if I kept doing it and not learning from mistakes, it either means I am incapable of learning, or really don't give a crap about what it does to him. 
The thing is that most guys that call this natural has either been instilled with this thought concept at such a young age that they truly think it to be a natural thing, or they simply use it to cover up the excuse to do whatever they want, which is usually falling for temptation. Its like saying boys like cars and ninja turtle and thats natural..and then you find little boys that like barbies and babies instead and still grow up to be hetrosexual men. Blinking and breathing are natural from birth, looking at opposite sex is instilled. We can be just like penguins and have one mate for life, we CHOOSE not to in reality. Our society and media starts targeting children in school, and this war of the sexes continues througout life. For the few men that have also realized this, and choose to look or not to look are well aware of all surrounding arguements involving this behaviour, tend to yes have more feminine qualities to them then most men I have met. For the remainder of men who can only think inside the box, and follow suit of the ego with your fellow other type men...unfortunately the only name we have for you is a typical man, nothing less and nothing more. Someone once told me that touching is physically cheating and looking is mentally cheating but essentially both are cheating, someone else also told me, if a guy is still eyeing apetizers after sucessfully keeping his maincourse, then he is obviously not full and still hungry for more (metaphores) All I can say is that a guy looking can very well lead to a guy doing much more given the opportunity, because if he is unable to control the minor temptations, he obviously will have no self control or will power to control the major ones. 
Anyways, just an FYI too, I never read the bible, have only studied psychology, observed human nature and can only gage and use point of refrences from information I've gathered over the years. My in writing this was no intent to attack anyone in the least, just stating what I would have figured to be obvious and truthful. I hope some people can understand that if you fall in these catergories that media and society have really put forward this learned behaviour, just remember that nothing in life is fixed and everything can be subject to change. A man will either stay primal and that of an adolescent, or he will evolve psychologically, mentally, intellictually, it essentially will be the womans decision whether to stay with her man that does this or not. This whole topic can very well be turned on females as well, I can't defend them as they can be vicious little devils, however, it is usually more common in men...that's all. Cheers 
Posted @ Tuesday, June 26, 2012 7:11 AM by balance
U have jst helped me 2end 2yrs of crap! , u dnt hurt those that u love & sum men jst can't love . I'm worth more , thanku .
Posted @ Thursday, August 16, 2012 8:58 AM by BYDASWORD
Perfectly said Martin! Men or women who want to except their looking at others as natural or normal seem to be weak and have low self esteem. Any man who turns it back on their partner as being jealous are tryning to deflect their own issue. I have been with men that have turned their looking issue on me and one who took his own responsibility and showed me respect. A wise man would make the woman he is with happy and content....she will give him the world!
Posted @ Tuesday, August 28, 2012 11:59 PM by fauve
i am in the middle of this situation right now..i am with a man that says he loves me , i am the most beautiful woman he has ever been with etc..yet, he still cannot help himself from ogling other females!! when we first met he was just unbelievable, every woman that walked past his eyeballs would literally drop onto his cheeks! i am not ugly, in fact , i am very attractive and i know that he should be happy with me but it is almost like a sickness!! going out with him is a nightmare and i am feeling so unhappy about the whole situation..it is actually stopping me doing normal things like going to the beach and shopping malls etc because i know he will be in ogling overdrive!! we have tried to seek help but no one takes it seriously, including him....i blame society, its so sex drenched and it seems like everything is out there for these men to see and get into..we are breeding a whole lot of sex addicts with no morals or dignity and no respect!! worse is, the women are playing along!! the way a lot of women and girls dress is just disgusting and it just encourages these fools...i agree that men should have control if they are mature enough to think and behave like adults..women don't do this crap!! is it that hard to love one woman? and be satisfied? i don't think they realise the hurt they cause and how it ruins trust and love!! and yes, if a man treats a woman well she will give him the world!! so get real guys, remember who will be there to hold your hand when your old and past it...not the little tarts your looking out for...show some constraint and respect!! or else wind up alone with a computer and a box of tissues...and a pair of strong glasses to perv with!!!!
Posted @ Tuesday, September 11, 2012 6:54 PM by astrid cooney
Guess what, it gets worse as they get older! Not only do I dislike it when my husband is constantly turning his head to look at young women,I think it is also disrespectful when I'm having a meeting with older men that are constantly looking at young women, whom are usually dressed provocatively. It has created problems with my husband and I. I don't even like to go anywhere with him anymore because it can happen several times during one trip. And he'll be talking, and stop because he is distracted by spotting a female and then think I'm still interested in what he's saying after she's past his view. It's just disrespectful to the one you are with. If men need to look, do your looking on your own time. I'll get mad at my husband for turning his head to look and then I try to do the same with good-looking young men that cross my path. Problem is that there aren't as many of them and they don't dress sexy. I think that's why husbands often don't care if you look. They would however, if the men you looked at were dressed in stretchy pants and muscle t shirts. These articles help me to realize that I'm not abnormal for getting upset with my husband's ogling all the time. He either denies it, says he looks at everyone (which isn't true) or tells me I don't want to be with him. I've tried not to say anything or get upset, but then he seems to use that as a license to do more of the same. I'm fed up and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Posted @ Wednesday, September 12, 2012 10:47 AM by Jano
Jano,You are so right on not going to take the unnecessary HURT anymore!.We hardly ever go out because of his stupid behavior.I mean I took him to the eye doctor and with a patch on his hurt eye-he has enough nerve to stare at the girl in the car next to us with his good eye.I should of hurt his other eye- and said -now you can't see at all!I had asked my husband before- I said were you there when we made our promise to each other in front of God-To Honor-to cherish-to love! Where the hell did that go!!!!! I mean I would not even think of doing this to the person that I married! I do not understand why he keeps hurting me? Well this staring thing has been going on for 7 years now and I am DONE!!!!!!!!
Posted @ Wednesday, September 12, 2012 1:28 PM by Patti
How to stop husband from looking at other women... Ha says he is aware of his sourroundings? What do I do
Posted @ Wednesday, September 12, 2012 3:08 PM by Self
i am so glad i am not the only woman who has this horrid problem!! is it so much to ask to have someone who doesnt ogle all the time...its just a nightmare!! surely its not that hard not to do it, we don't do it!!! it is ruining my feelings for my man and i actually don't want to keep this up..i feel depressed and anxious, do you gals feel the same??
Posted @ Wednesday, September 12, 2012 10:09 PM by astrid
I hope my input helps someone out there...this is my honest opinion. 
The article above is a great piece of free advice but you have to take the good in it with the bad. As a man, being attracted to women is completely normal and healthy...unless you are a homosexual, then that is a whole different issue entirely.  
Looking at women is how we, as men, are designed by the maker. God designed women to be the most beautiful creatures in the entire universe and physical attraction is part of finding your life mate. In a weird way, it's like a hunter in the forest in pursuit of the elusive deer. For women, the biggest attraction is a man's personality and an emotional "click" but the female will never see that unless the initial contact is made in the first place, usually but not always, by the male sex who approaches out of visual contact. I mean it's not like you HEARD a voice or SMELLED a scent and suddenly wanted to fall in love...right?  
A glance or a brief look is innocent if you are a married man (that's the nature part). It's that SECOND glance that ties your hands and makes your woman feel uncomfortable and disrespected.  
Whenever you gaze or intentionally lose control over your actions and reactions is when you are going wrong. This causes relationship issues. I know that this is difficult if you have this problem because I have had it.  
The differences between breaking moral integrity and human nature is that some men are willing to try and change out of love and respect for the female in their life. Which one are you? Do unto others and try and help someone else in the process.
Posted @ Sunday, September 23, 2012 10:03 PM by LeeAndrew Bray
I disagree with you LeeAndrew that it is natural for a man and not a woman to appreciate good looks! I'm tired of this cultural brainwashing! Like I stated, men in our culture don't dress provacatively in competition with one another to catch the eye of a woman. That said, I have had to listen to my husband complain about advertisements where they show a sexy man (I'm talking looks not personality). Often he will remark that they are on steroids or some other such coment that our society says is behavoir typical of women. You don't know how it feels to be bombarded by "perfect" women who show up on ads and movies. And young women feel a need to emulate them to draw the eyes of men. And I agree with balance that many young women who notice older men looking at them feel disgusted and think that they should show more respect to their wives. I felt that way when I was young and happened to catch a middle-aged man looking at me, trying to catch my eye. Same goes for younger men who are accompanied by their spouse or girlfriend. I feel that more than a glance, and that includes head turning, when your with your spouse or significant other is disresectful to them. I appreciate that you try to be respectful to the female in your life but don't start stereotyping women.
Posted @ Thursday, September 27, 2012 3:26 PM by Jano
I never once said that it wasn't natural for women to look at men and appreciate good looks or once did I sterotype women...I said that looks weren't the "biggest" factor of attraction like it is for a man. If so, I'm in trouble...lol...Now see what I mean about how women perceive things? You're giving me the third degree about me sterotyping women because you felt threatened whenever you read my post...For instance you said "I agree with balance that many young women who notice older men looking at them feel disgusted and think that they should show more respect to their wives." Well the cold hard truth is, that if women didn't want to be noticed, then maybe they shouldn't dress the way they do because they know that men look and that's the reason they want to wear the revealing clothing that they choose to wear. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it's probably not a goose!!! In theory...if a female dresses slutty, knowing that males are drawn in by physical attraction, then chances are that she is not an innocent little nun. As far as the ads in media with the good looking women...they probably have AIDS, are strippers, or don't eat anyway...Also, just so you know...Your husband is probably right about the guys on steroids, especially since the United States is the most obese country in the world for the so-called "NORMAL" population...Thanks McDonalds...(Proud Sponsor of the Olympic Games)!!!
Posted @ Thursday, September 27, 2012 10:44 PM by LeeAndrew Bray
Uh, the truth comes out. You look at women in only one way, with sex on your mind! I do not boast, but I'm an attractive women, even at middle age. So when I was younger, I really got the looks. I did not dress "slutty" as you so put it. And the way other women are dressed does not excuse a man for being rude!
Posted @ Saturday, September 29, 2012 10:46 AM by Jano
Self, What do you do? He needs to do more than just be aware of his surroundings. He has programmed his brain to look for attractive women and needs to teach it not to seek those visual 'highs' out anymore. A professional counselor, like myself, who specializes in this can teach him how to retrain his brain in this way. Reread the above post to again. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, October 03, 2012 6:38 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Kurt Smith, Thank you so much for getting rid of my post!I worked really hard to let the guys know what they are doing to our self esteem.The guys out there need to know that many women I know are sick of being treated like this including me! So you are saying that all our guys that have a staring problem need to get retrained like a dog-well I am all for the leash! I just want to say one more thing. When my husband and I were going together things were great and never had a problem with him staring ever-until after marriage.I remember when we were going together and some guy was staring at me and my boyfriend at the time now husband said to me- That guy is staring at you! I said so.-and he said-I don't like it when guys stare at you. I said why? He told me I know what guys are thinking when they are staring at you. I said what. He said they are thinking of not so nice things and of doing it to you -to put it nicely. You can't even ever know how hurtful this is to me and any women that has been feeling alone and not even close to her bf/or husband because of their stupid dog behavior! So I ask you guys out there how can your women trust you when you are going to stare at some B*t*h right in front of her?
Posted @ Friday, October 05, 2012 1:22 AM by Patti
Funny! No responce yet to the post above! I guess all of us women are right about you guys! You are all PIGS- and my 75 year old father even said it to me - saying-You know I don't know what is wrong with GUYS BRAINS WE ARE ALL PIGS! I could not believe my father would say this to me out of the blue talking on the phone with me!I was talking about something and my Dad just blurt out this remark. Made me sick!
Posted @ Tuesday, October 09, 2012 11:22 AM by Patti
Im so glad i found this web site. It has helped me so much,because i have been going though this problem for 17 yrs and just recently my husband admitted that he has this problem of looking at woman and to long when he looks. We are know going to a marriage counselor. Time will tell if it helps we just have been there once so far. I have my doubts, because what i have seen is that he can't not look. When we are out his eyes are only on what he can find to look at. I really feel its a sickness. Why i have stayed with him so long is because when i would tell him he is looking all the time at woman or girls he would say that he is not doing that. And because everything else in our marriage was good i just didnt want to make a big deal out of it, and i guess i wanted to believe him. But deep down i never did.I have lost alot of respect and love for him and i hurt deep in my heart horribly. I am a middle age woman that when im alone i see guys looking at me like my husband looks at woman. Its just crazy..one time i was alone in a grocery store and a man even stopped and said to me "Your husband is sure a lucky man".So having that said i do not feel that my husband doesnt find me attractive, if that where the case i would of left him along time ago. He says he loves everything about me and that im the love of his life. So now im looking forward to the next session to see if she can figure out why he has to do this all the time. Then i will make a decision on what i need to do. Its all sad, but this is not the first disappointment i have gotten for a guy.. But if i leave him it will be the last..It would be so hard for me to trust someone again. I really thought this one was a great guy, but now this..and im not having fun. I like to have fun in life not being sad and depressed all the time. Its time for me to smell the roses and face the truth..and do what ever i have to do..again time will tell it all...
Posted @ Thursday, October 11, 2012 8:23 AM by
Hi, This is to the above post.I think it's great you are going to a marriage counselor maybe you will learn alot about each other you did not know before.Maybe what you learn about what's going on with your husband will help you understand why he is doing this-looking-staring thing.From my experience my husband and I went to a counselor in 2006 for about 8 times and while it helped some the counselor was not specialized in the area of this horrible staring thing.This counselor we went to said some things that I thought were very dumb and hurtful in a women's presence. They are things that you do not say to a women that is depressed,exhausted from all the years of feeling of being put down like your a nothing-your not pretty enough and feels like your husband just wants to look for the next Mrs.-etc! Just make sure you like your counselor and he/she specializes in this area and if your not sure if he/she does just ask them.The sad thing I don't get if they know it bothers us women and they really love us then I do not see any reason for this behavior. Like I said before we women do not do this to them!I myself 43 years old and do not look my age. I always see guys looking at me when my husband and I are out.I feel really bad when I see this it just makes me mad! I get really mad cause I see these guys with their wife/gf and a couple of times the girl they are with hits their guy hard-I mean full force hitting.I know of the terrible sinking feeling that comes when you think your guy is looking at someone that must be better then you and they want them and not you anymore.I would of left my husband a long time ago-but I do love him and know he loves me and he does show me alot that he is very in love with me. So I guess I am back and forth with just I love you to I hate you feelings for him and I am very tired of what ever game this is! Guys don't understand what they are putting us through. You guys would not like it one bit if we would do it to you. You guys would not be able to handle it and I have proof of it.I was so mad at my husband for all this hurt he brought on me that I did it back to him! Well one night we went out for dinner and all I did was stare at this HOT!HOT!GUY! that worked there.Let me tell you it felt so good to do this to my husband and to let him finally FEEL what I have been going through for years.What do you know my husband hated it and told me I feel what you feel like now- but lets just remember this was for one time-and could not handle it.Even though he felt what I was going through for a long time he still continues to break me down and I don't understand it! Well I wish you lots of luck.
Posted @ Thursday, October 11, 2012 12:54 PM by Patti
Well, here it goes, as a guy who recently got married I have had a big problem shutting down this habit. I hate it. I have been looking at women this way for 30 years. I mean it really sucks! when you are a kid watching cartoons you see the wolf see the saloon girl and his eyes pop out and his tongue rolls out like a red carpet but when he see’s the large woman he runs straight through a wall and leaves his silhouette trying to escape. as boys growing up we are bombarded with images and the mystic of the woman’s form. this kind of brain washing sucks and is not fair because women try to emulate these sexual images so when ever you see something that resembles the image you have this incredible impulse to assess and evaluate. it’s not so much a feeling that you even want that person but just that novelty of seeing something that resembles the constant perfect images walking around in real life. women complain but then again, its hypocritical if you are in a relationship and you wear make up. are you really wearing for him? If you say yes I wear it for him, then why do you not wear it at home if you don’t plan on going out? it is just going to have an affect on other men who grew up trained to notice the tools of attraction. look I’m not defending nothing just explaining that a life time habit to be shut down automatically is unreasonable. The more you complain about it the more it becomes like forbidden fruit, like telling someone not to think of pink elephants and then it becomes hard not to think of them. I feel if a woman doesn’t want a man to look they should never go out of the house because the outside world is full of advertising women. if you saw a rare sports car driving on the street the kind you only see in magazines believe me, you will turn your head. Well imagine going outside and everywhere you look you got em driving all over the place. women should stop dressing provocatively and realize that its difficult for men to try to not look at women walking out side everywhere. Women are trying to compete in a contest of who can where the least amount of clothes and wear the biggest mask of makeup. Its annoying. Believe me I feel the most amount of peace when people wear clothes and don’t show off their bodies. I don’t go to strip clubs, they come to me. even girls who aren’t hot but naked would get attention. guys don’t walk around in underwear and super bodies so girls can’t relate and brag how they don’t look. Guys wear baggy clothes and are not used as much as women in sensual promotion in everything even hamburger commercials for crying out loud. Guys wear baggy pants and shirts and suits. even formal wear for women is provocative. can a man over come this? of course, but he will be going against his whole life time of training to look and ever growing world full of people trying to get your attention. so it will take time and effort. I love my wife and I am with her all the time. I try to not look and am trying. I would do more for her than any of your men would do for you, but its not without difficulty and she is worth every effort. 
I just want to make it clear that yes it is possible to stop looking. Our actions are just that, our actions. We are not robots that can not override our programming. I just want to say that it is like playing dodge ball every day each day. That is ridiculously annoying. And the women who complain must ask themselves if they themselves dress provocatively when they go outside when they are in a relationship because they contribute to this. I would imagine if I just dangled my penis out of my pants people who look regardless if they liked that sort of thing or not because it stands out. Now staring is up to the person. The more I try to stop this sort of eye candy impulse the more I realize how bizarre our society really is. No matter the temperature or occasion you will see women walking around wearing scantily clad apparel. Now ask yourself something, does it really matter if an article of clothing is denim or cotton shorts or not if it covers the same percentage of your flesh as a pair of underwear? Or if your clothes are so form fitting it looks like near body paint? If you ask me the drug dealer is just as much to blame as the drug addict. If you are at the beach are you not wearing intimate clothing? Are women not wearing bras designed as casual dress, come on people wake up. Women, as just as easily to blame as the culprits for this crime as the guys are guilty for looking. I see women in the office wearing form fitting skirts, form fitting black or grey dress pants where the buttocks are clearly defined and you want to be treated like equals And not sexual objects? You go to church, school, college, and it’s all the same thing. What a joke! Wear clothes people and cover your bodies, quit wearing make up like glamour models and watch how little guys notice or are no longer tempted to look. So to all the guys out there getting bashed for responding to the life time of Hippocratic brainwashing you have received, try to be respectful to your girls but realize they are not free of hypocrisy and blame for soliciting this response. To all the women out there Dress like a guy, and you will be treated like a guy. Dress like a guy and you will have no more whistles , double takes, heads turning, cat calls, Nada, zip, zilch, nothing, zero because truth be told women in there natural state dressed conservatively are not attractive. Maybe you can say beautiful or pretty or what ever, but not (ATTRACT-TIVE). They will not attract attention. If you dress like your in the bed room you get what you give. 
I know a lot of guys stare at women trying to engage them in some mental sexual place. I know there are guys who do this because they know they will not get any further with that person so they instead steal from them a virtual trespassing despite the fact that it is rude, and may cause discomfort for the one being stared at. They do this fully aware that the woman sees them and knows they are looking. 
I want to make myself clear that I am not defending this sort of action nor have I EVER done it or hang out with those who do. 
I am merely explaining that this culture in America allows women to dress provocatively or modestly. When men harass women who dress modestly, that’s simply because they are jerks. Not all guys do this and I certainly don’t 
However, when a women chooses to dress provocatively, I in fact notice. 
I find because I am heterosexual that if the woman is attractively displayed, I enjoy the visual image. I am not suggesting I have an episode of heavy breathing and start sweating while touching myself inappropriately. 
I prefer if women would dress more modestly and not wear glamour make up because I find when they do there is less distraction, or impulse to appraise the provocative presentation. I am only speaking on behalf of men who do not shout at girls, and simple find themselves tempted to look at women who bait themselves to the legal limits in which they are allowed. 
I promise you I would not even notice you or any woman passing by unless they are presenting themselves in public. My wife has an excellent body. I don’t like when she dresses provocative but when she does I don’t discourage her because she is free to do as she pleases in that regard. 
She disagreed with me at one time before about defending my position on guys looking at women. Until one day she wore tight cloth leggings and a guy in a mall took a snap shot with his cell phone camera of her butt. She felt bad because she felt that the man stole something from her but she realized that while you are in PUBLIC, you have no right to privacy and legally anyone can take your picture. From that time on she realized that had she not worn something that showed her butt, that the man who took her picture would not have had been available to possess anything that was private of her in the first place. 
So my point being is this. Keep what’s private in private and what is appropriate for public in public. That way you will not feel so offended by those looking at the areas partially revealed. That’s just common sense. I can’t wear a thong outside and feel bad when people look at me. Do I expect them to respect my privacy when I am the one entering communal public domain? If you show your butt guys are going to look and appraise it. Wear clothes that cover everything and no one will turn a head except for the jerks that will do that regardless of what you do. 
To those guys who are able to accommodate women who want to walk around naked by pretending they are not, more power to you, wish I was one of you and I pray every day someday I may be, but until then wear clothes in public people. 
Posted @ Monday, October 22, 2012 2:57 AM by chris
i think the guy who wrote the last comment is right in a way..women should dress down..and try to not catch guys eyes...but i still think blokes are just pigs..and shouldn't look either!! it hurts and its just downright sick..your all perverts and sex addicts.but society makes you that way..when i go into the service station and walk past the magazines...40 pairs of tits are staring at me and some of the girls walking down the street may as well be in their underwear!!  
guys should try to stop being so goddamn transparent..dont think your woman can't see you gawking..she can!! and its just downright perverted!!!
Posted @ Monday, October 22, 2012 6:08 AM by blue
WOW Chris! Let me just start by saying I am not one of girls that wear the short skirts and the boobs that hang out. I think it is totally disgusting, disrespectful and demeaning to everyone that has to see these women wear these so called clothes!I have guys stare at me and I don't wear makeup and most of the time they are staring at my face.I could dress like a slut but I know right from wrong.The women who dress like this are just starved for attention and are going about it the wrong way.They think the only way to get a guy is to be sluttish. These women are partly right in dressing this way if they do not know how to get a guy because they know guys are PIGS! I think there should be more men for us women to look at -in movies-magazines-etc-it is only fair. So maybe if there is more men for us women to look at -like there is for men then -maybe it would not just be the women mad all the time at the men it would be both sexes.
Posted @ Monday, October 22, 2012 3:16 PM by Patti
I just want to say to you guys out there that I was really hurt on Halloween. I know you guys do not understand the devastation that is brought on by staring at another person that you do not love and you don't even know. Us women have to see the person we love and devoted our lives to stare at someone in lust that does not hold your heart like the women in your life does! I do not understand why you guys don't understand the damage you are putting on the one that HOLDS YOUR HEART.I had to see on Halloween my husband stare at some really really pretty girl right IN FRONT OF ME!!! He knew what he was doing-WHAT THE HELL!!!!!! I was so enraged I did not know what to do! All I did was cry the whole night - I felt sick to my stomach- HELP!!!11
Posted @ Saturday, November 03, 2012 9:26 PM by Patti
To the people who responded to my comment. Look. It's no surprise. Men are supposed to be attracted to the female form. That is not being a pig that is what it is to be a man. You think that magically the female form is only registered in the brain to the one woman he is with? If he lost interest in the female form, he would also lose interest in yours too. He could still love you but remember men are different than women. Men seek the woman. Men have to have an erection and maintain it while a woman just needs to be present for the task. Men are made more visual, and sexually wired than women. Does that mean men have a right to behave like animals heck no, Christ said don't lust after women, but he never said to simply see an attractive women was a sin. If your man is taking it further that’s a different story. Now why you are going out on Halloween, with your guy and crying about it afterwards is confusing to me since, that is like taking your man to a strip club and being upset for the same reason. This sort of illogic is killing me. I feel for women, I really do, but I'm tired of being the PIG when women are baiting for attention and acting like they aren't. Its soooo stupid. If every man woman and child wore costumes walking down the street, could you not look? Near naked body is more provocative than a naked one. It enhances the body and makes it seem different and flashy. All the colors women do with their faces, and clothing, their hair, lipstick, boots, skirts and such. Women's clothing is like a provocative costume. Guys just throw on basic junk so that they are not naked. Women wear sexy costumes. So no points for women not looking as much as men, because you are different biologically and it's not a fair game since guys don't dress nearly as provocative and elaborate as women do, with makeup and nails, and such. 
Women no this yet they solicit attention by dressing to show off their female form and then play victim when men look? Why should the guy have to put up with women pushing the legal limits on clothing? Men are the ones who have to pretend we don't see what we are created to notice, in order to accommodate sensitive people. In truth I don't care if my wife looks at anyone and everyone. I'm not jealous because why should I presume that my wife thinks I have the greatest body in the world? That's silly and delusional. If chip n dale dancers walked all over the place in biker, volley ball buttock shorts, I would just think it was normal if my wife looked. My relationship and self-esteem has nothing to do with my appearance. I ask my wife all the time as a joke, "do I look better than brad pit?" and she will say "hell no" I laugh, because its so stupid to be concerned with competing with people in things that you can't, or doesn't matter. If my wife were to say "yes" I think that would be insulting because she would believe I was so weak, to worry about something that is so insignificant that she would have to lie to me so that I could continue in my delusional world. Get over it people. Yes if your man is ignoring you because he is constantly looking at other people when you are trying to talk to him that is rude period. But if he just looks over and sees an attractive person and notes her existence...so what? Don't cry over this. Your man is not with you because you are the most beautiful woman in the world or the best he could get. He is with you because you are the only one who is exactly like you. Your appearance is merely a physical aspect of you. If a richer man than your husband passes by driving a car your husband cannot afford, does your man freak out and cry about it? Does he say how dare you look at what another man could provide you? A woman body is not the woman. To a man, he separates it from the soul of the woman and sees it only as an object. You are not your body. Your body is just a package. Some packages look better than others and nice to look at the display but it's the contents that the man loves. Women see their bodies as themselves, like you can't distinguish from body and soul. This is due largely to men always emphasizing on appearance the same way men are judged by their financial status. 
Anyway, I will tell you something that will make you feel a little better, and most women don't know this, so pay attention. 
Men are interested in aggressive action, hearty food, crude humor and the perfect female form. Anything relating to those four things is what it is to be male. Things Related to these topics usually ends up being sports, fighting, sex, meat, cars, mean jokes and guns. Of course there are men who have more interests and are not so two dimensional but the basic interest men share tend to be these. Now in regards to women and the men who look at them. 
There are three kinds of ways men look at the presentation of a beautiful woman. 
1 The look of appraising Admiration 
2 The look of Lust. 
3 The look of Flirtation 
When a man looks at a woman with appraising admiration it's when a man looks at a woman of beauty much the same way as when a woman sees an attractive woman, but from a different perspective. It’s a critical assessment of the figure. It’s a scanning for imperfection and when none is found, simple admiration follows. Much like a jeweler appraises a diamond. It is a pleasure to view an object of attractive qualities such as a new sports car or astonishing spectacle. At this point there is no sexual attachment to the action and may appear to onlookers that the man staring is gawking. This type of fixation is not with every woman who passes because once imperfections are found the man takes his attention elsewhere. To deny this kind of looking impossible, EVERYONE does it, men, women, old, young, EVERYONE. The question is why does it seem that men look more? is there an equal amount of men worthy of attention as there are women? Are men showcasing themselves to the same level as women? Are men constantly watching the eyes of their women or are they too distracted by the woman casually flaunting themselves? 
The second way a man looks at a woman is a lustful look whereby the man hosts various mental articulations of sexual acts or feels emotional desire and or a yearning to engage in sex. This type of look is done by Indulging in carnal fantasy of penetrating, groping and undressing the object in view. This kind of look is the kind that is done when pornographic material is being viewed and most likely arouses the man. Some men may do this privately until noticed while others do it regardless if the subject discovers the onlooker. This type of look is often termed "eye fu%king". It is the bitters man attempt to psychologically disturb the subject as a consolation to the likelihood nothing more will come out of the encounter. 
The third way a man looks at a woman is flirtation. The man stares until he meets the eyes of the woman and engages in a private world of acknowledgement. This is more for the thrill. It's the rush of adrenaline for the underdog being noticed by an attractive woman and also could signify his interest in pursuit of something further. This look is done with engaging the subject's eyes and not the body. 
Appraising objects of beauty is not nor should not be threatening in a relationship. A man could do it with the same gender, a really nice car or anything worthy of attention since it is not a sexual act. And if a man is easily impressed with the appearance of others, a simple solution to his looking problem is to wear sun glasses. This way he will not be mistaken for lusting at all the women who dress provocative and solicit attention. And his significant other will no longer try to chaperone his sight from her perceived dangers of the world.  
There is an obligation to maintain discretion with a man's eyes because the man's company may feel embarrassed by the man's fixations or the subject of attention may feel uncomfortable if they are not soliciting attention. While it can be argued that to admire the beauty of a person's body is simply the appreciation of rare accomplishment resulting from the dedication one commits to working out, Staring at people, or people's things without discretion is simply rude. So once again wear sunglasses so that your perception, like your thoughts will be private and noninvasive in public.  
However the look of lust is a completely different scenario which can be controlled with practice because it is not an automatic reaction to the presentation of an attention worthy subject but rather it is the initiated, deliberate and willful indulgence of a mental rape. This kind of mental foreplay often accompanies masturbation in order to maintain fuel for the fire and even can corrupt a man's thoughts during intimacy while the man is with his significant other if he finds his erection fading. This type of looking should be discouraged. It's addictive, sinful and very progressive, to the point of obsession. While science can argue that men may be drawn to certain biological elements in the women's child bearing form, science does not justify the elected carnal practices of raping someone visually.  
The look of flirtation is the most dangerous, since it seeks thrills from others, not as a simple admirer or even as bad as a voyeur but more so as one interested in interaction with the subject of attraction. This is a betrayal at the most conscious level. As far as infidelity, Flirtation is not one step away from the next level; it's a step of the next level.  
So with everything being said, I would like to clarify and review a few points. All Looking is not all the same thing. Men are not women and women will never be men. I will not pretend I can understand a woman or what she is thinking because although we share humanity we are on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum. You may ask yourself, why does my man look at other women if he loves me?  
• The answer is, because love is not in conflict with the desire to view something worthy of attention.  
• Secondly, your man loves you because there is only one you, one soul and that cannot be replaced with anyone else in the world. 
• Third a body IS in fact a piece of meat. It is not who you are, but only the shell you reside in. A man does not marry a body, a man marries a soul. A body can gain in physical appeal or lose it depending on the actions of the operator and simple aging.  
• Men rate women on personality and beauty; but men are rated primarily on personality and financial status. A woman can love a man and hate his poor house, just as a man can love a woman and hate her poor body. The body is only a material item which is not the substance or integrity of the relationship, so one should not feel threatened or feel subjugated to comparison like a used car traded for a new one when a woman of attractive appeal walks by. Your man is not with you because he thinks you are the most attractive woman he can have (or has had) He is with you because there is only one you. The way you look is the physical association he has with your personality and so is attached to you and all that reminds him of you. There are trillions of women that he may find more attractive then you are accessible to him, yet he will not stray away because that is once again not the reason he is with you. Now if women walked about wearing their souls and men looked at them that would be a different story and reasonable cause for doubt and insecurity because a person's soul should not interest them more than yours, but a body could be more impressive than yours because of the work invested in it. I feel no threat if and when an attractive man is present because I know my wife is not with me for my appearance. What I possess is not in competition. Who I am is my most valuable possession and I am the only one who has that. 
• In truth staring at everything that walks around but the person you are with is annoying and disrespectful because a woman (or any company for that matter) should have the majority of your attention while you are with them.  
• However feeling bad about other women and chastising men for looking at them passing by is extreme and controlling. Admiration of another person's beauty does not trespass on your imaginary territory over your man's free will. When a man marries a woman or gets in a  
relationship, he agrees to not to not see any other women, but he doesn't mean that literally. lol  
• In most cases although not all, some women may feel guilt because they have not done their homework as far as the upkeep or even the betterment of their own physique and their guilt transitions into anger towards their men for making them feel inadequate in that area. 
• A woman's body will constantly change and always provide something new and different for her man when she works out or has kids. Most of these transitions and changes provide something pleasurable to the man unless it is total neglect. After a woman has a baby, the man enjoys thicker thighs bigger butt, larger breasts, and before she has her child, the man has the youthful tightness and sleekness of her body. Apples and oranges. When a woman works out she never reaches the best of what she can be just as a man never does. There is always the ability to invest and adjust. However the unwillingness to do so may subjugate your man to a prison of all he will ever have in a sexy body is what you decide you will invest, which may not be the most promising concept. But once again remind yourself that he is not with you for your body but your soul 
• Lastly remember that we as individuals contribute to the whole of society. You know what I mean…make a difference by changing the man in the mirror sorta stuff. My point being is, if you in your hay day wore provocative clothing while you were single, I'm sure when you dressed this way you were quite aware of what the effects it had on men both married and single. That being said, thinks about all the women who suffered as a result of you baiting their attention. Wearing glamour make up, showing skin and form fitting clothing, is the reason men look. If all men worked out and dressed in chip in dale biker volley ball shorts, hiding imperfections with tons of makeup and casually strolling by indifferent pretending they are not passive aggressive exhibitionists, women would also look. Women look now and men don't nearly bait attention to the degree that women do. Point being is karma is a bitch and you get what you give, so be understanding.  
Posted @ Sunday, November 04, 2012 12:28 AM by Chris
Why don't you get the facts first before you put me down! there is no excuse for this behavior when my husband all well knowing this staring thing is hurting my sole and making me feel unimportant and not thinking of my feelings!!!!!!On Halloween I was at my home when he was staring at this girl who was maybe 13 to 15 years of age and on top of it I had to see how he was very pleased to be staring at her in front of me YOU ASS!!!!! This is proof of how you guys just Don't-CARE- all us women can't be wrong when YOU GUYS ARE ACTING LIKE JERKS how are we suppose want to be with you guys and stay in your lives when your acting like you guys don't want us anymore!!!! So chew on that you freak!!!!!!!
Posted @ Sunday, November 04, 2012 8:08 AM by Patti
By the way this girl was not even dressed up for Halloween she just wore plain clothes.It was the face he was staring at.I think it hurts me even more when he stares at the face. The face is what we see first then if he likes the face then it goes further. So then again get your facts straight!!!!
Posted @ Sunday, November 04, 2012 8:31 AM by Patti
Look Patti, I'm not trying to put you down. I am not even defending your husband's actions, because I don't know him nor do I know what his actions are, because as you say...I need to get my facts straight. I'm just going off what you wrote. If your husband wanted to be with a woman more physically attractive than you, he would just do it. He doesn't do it so the worst you thing you have to resolve is how your husband should conduct himself in your presence. If you find it insulting that he is looking at other people ask yourself "why?" 
What does it truly mean if you look at another person? 
Is there some unspoken rule that a man can only be aware of his wife existence? 
Is he trading flirtatious eye exchange because that is another story? 
My question is this. Do you find yourself looking at his eyes all the time to see what he is looking at? And if so.....why? 
Second, how do you know what he is thinking when he is looking at someone? How do you know he is not just intentionally looking at people out of spite because he doesn't like you chastising him or making him feel as though he has to wear blinders? I mean it's odd to think you have the right to suddenly tell a person you can't look here or there. Can he tell you not to look at things he doesn't think you should look at? If he said "don't look at clothing displays in stores because it upsets me" would you forever stop? Maybe you would maybe you would not, but you might retort that looking at clothing is different than looking at other people. Well, that may be true but it is only an example how something he feels is not important because to him it means nothing but because to you it means something you feel you have the power to control a basic human right. Like I mentioned earlier, there are three different kinds a way men look at women specifically. I defend only the first one. The second two, in my opinion are wrong to do and there is no defense. Problem with that is how do you know which one it is. 
Men wear clothes women wear costumes, the last time I checked putting face paint is a costume soliciting attention. Men comb hair women take it to another level. Women wear stilts called high heels to put themselves on pedestals. The end result of nails, waxing, make up, high heels, form fitting attire, hair salons, you end up with an amazing costume, because in the morning they look nothing like the day before. Lol so of course that is something worthy of attention. 
Anyway, I'm sorry if I upset you or made you think I was putting you down. Its hard being a woman in a world where everything and everywhere you look men place such emphasis on the appearance of women. In that sense I could understand that looks would bother women. From what I read, some men even (why I don't know).  
I just want you to understand that my wife means everything to me. I would not trade her for any silly celebrity, nor would I have sex with anything woman who solicited it to me despite how amazing they are. As a young man, I placed a woman's value in her appearance as a adult I know that a woman's value is her love for God, her husband, her family, herself and our marriage. A woman's value is her soul, something she can't change but is a quality only found in that one individual. Her appearance is nice to have……but not the substance, the integrity nor the foundation of our relationship. I saved myself for my wife and would die for her. I think the problem may not be that your man is a human, but rather he has not proved to you that his love is unconditional, unwavering and undivided. This is something he can do by giving you more attention. But I tell you that the more you look for faults in him the more you will find and that will help nothing.  
Posted @ Sunday, November 04, 2012 10:09 PM by chris
All i can say is i sure feel sorry for Patti, she has a husband that has a problem and it sounds as though he cant stop it or doesnt want to stop his ways. He knows it hurts her, but still does it. Its like these kind of men think they can do what ever and there wife will not really leave them. I guess in her case i would have to leave the realationship. I believe that all men are not likw this. Its just not normal. I think there is some kind of sickness with this pattern of a guy that always has to be looking for stuff to look at. Its like they are always hunting for it. Woman are not like that i dont think. Woman if they happen to see a good looking man they notice it and they can even look the other way, because they know in there heart that is not right and they care more about there husband. And this is even when they are alone and there husband is not with them. I believe this is a very serious problem and i say if it continues get out and look for someone that is not like that. These horrible woman skirt watchers dont deserve a good honest loving woman. Thats my thoughts anyway...Sometime i wonder if there are any good guys out there..I havent found one yet..I hope the best for you Patti and my heart goes out to you..
Posted @ Monday, November 05, 2012 10:21 AM by BP
I'm beginning to think that Patti is in a different situation than the conventional simple glance at a pretty person passing by. From what it sounds like, Patti's husband is engaging in long lustful staring without any sense of discretion whatsoever.  
If that is the case, get your man to church, because in today's world morality is relative but the bible stays the same and is "written in stone" so to speak. "Thou shall not covet" and "whosoever looketh at a woman as to have lust has committed adultery already in his heart". 
If your man is oppose to church, just pray for him. Lust is an addiction. If you put its practice on the shelf for a while, the impulse will dwindle down. The more you feed this mental addiction the greater the demand becomes. 
Sad truth is, your man has got to want to change before he can change or will change. If he doesn't he won't. If your man thinks your hurt feelings are irrational, he will not care about it and will just continue till he figures you will be too tire to press the issue. If your man stares too long, make him wear sun glasses. If his sight is private then none can fault him from suspicion alone, if they do than the problem is their own. If that is a no go then hears some real advice that I'm sure your men will not appreciate me saying. 
• Take a picture of him looking and hang it on the wall for all his friends and family to see. Make it a Christmas card even and send to all his family and friends, to get the point that he has to address this problem. 
• Or the next time he is staring at a girl maybe you could walk up to the girl he stares at and apologizes on behalf of your husband to her. That will ruin his fantasy and embarrass him big time, the way you feel embarrassed for him doing it, after a while of you apologizing to everyone he looks at, this will either make your man not want to risk looking while you are there or it will make him not want to leave the house with you at all. 
Anyway once again sorry Patti if I seemed too harsh to you. I hope things work out with your man. It sucks to feel unappreciated or compared to others, but I know that I feel absolutely comfortable with my wife looking at others, but that is only because I know she loves me and not my appearance. I don't feel threatened if a beautiful guys walks by. In some instances I will point out a guy and we would discuss his appearance or body. I know I am not gay but it's nice to see things of beauty. I guess I just don't care. However if she was flirting with other guys I would feel like what you have described. So once again I hope your husband changes and if not I hope you feel comfortable like me in knowing your man is with you because of whom you are and not the vessel you operate that holds no connection to who you are. 
Posted @ Tuesday, November 06, 2012 2:55 AM by chris
Awesome advise and lovely to get a man's perspective - thank you, Chris
Posted @ Monday, November 19, 2012 8:20 AM by Pam
What you do not understand is that a guy allowing himself to "look", especially in front of his wife, damages his wife's soul. Every time he does it is like a knife in her soul. if he does it to much he eventually will not be able to recognize the soul he joined his with. In marriage the two become one and that is not just physically. Thus if he is doing something that is harming her then he is harming himself too.
Posted @ Sunday, December 02, 2012 5:47 PM by Mel
To all the men out there telling women to dress down and less provocatively.....you do realize that the majority of clothes designer for women are men, right? I have looked and looked and can not find a single pair of jeans that aren't low rise. And have you walked around the teen department at the mall?? Teens don't have a chance...they are being forced to buy stupid clothes. Something SHOULD be done about clothes available for teens.
Posted @ Sunday, December 02, 2012 11:07 PM by Kim
I see this conversation stopped around November so I sort of hate to get everyone stirred up again. But my boyfriend has what my friends call the "disease". Not scantily clad women just any female that is slightly attractive. All the time and never stops. Well of course first month I dated him he didn't or we wouldn't have continued. I think if a celebrity would have him, he might go. Now I cannot say that he would act on his looking, but it is insulting to me when he stares, woman notices and knows that he's interested enough to do it in front of me. Second, since it never stops, I never stop wondering what is wrong with me. Is he unhappy? Also, now it has gotten that even when he's not around, I can point out who he would be looking at if he were there. I have dated and observed other guys and have never had this issue. I am ok with a man looking over at an attractive woman, its normal. But, This one looks, then takes a second and third look and if necessary, repositions himself to continue to watch. I have told him it bothers me and he said other women he has dated have pointed it out to him also. I'm disgusted with this. But am kind of attached to him now. So I'm disgusted with myself :/
Posted @ Sunday, January 06, 2013 9:44 PM by Kris
Oh I forgot to mention that he always talks about who is attractive and who is ugly if he sees them on TV. He has never used the word Beautiful about me, which is ok I guess, even though people have said so to me in the past. And he's not a young guy (but attractive and somewhat overly confident because of it) so I'm not sure if there is possibility of change. Im in my 40s and he in his 50s so I don't like playing games.
Posted @ Sunday, January 06, 2013 10:04 PM by Krist
guys are pigs and don't deserve women..all this shit about thats the way they are and they have different ways of looking..well ..bad luck...your all like dirty old men in raincoats..with your eyeballs popping out and your creepy thoughts...sorry ..there is NO excuse..
Posted @ Wednesday, January 16, 2013 9:57 PM by blue
I don't know what to think anymore or to say about WHY these men think its just fine to STEP all over your wife or girl friends FEELINGS! Like I said before I did the same thing to my husband and I stared the heck out of this HOT! HOT!GUY when we went out to eat awhile ago. All I did was stare at this HOT guy that worked there and watched my husband squirm.I did the same thing to him that he has been doing to me for years!I stared at this HOT guy to prove a point to my husband- that I can do it to just like you-But I chose not to keep hurting you-because I only want you (MY HUSBAND)! Even though my husband told me that it bothered him that I stared at this HOT GUY.This only happened once to him-I only did this once and he felt the hurt he has put on me for years.I guess my point to the women out there that do not know how to deal with their mens SICKNESS is to -Do the same thing to them-1-make them the ones that feel unimportant, unwanted, and unappreciated.-2-make them the ones that feel that sick stomach that starts to turn with nerves- thinking-she does not want me anymore- shes looking at that hot guy and she thinks I am ugly!-3-Keep staring at every HOT guy you see and ignore your man and don't give a care what the heck he is doing.-4-Keep staring at all these men and have fun like the men do.Keep doing the staring thing until he says something to you.-5-When he does say something to you about the staring -say your crazy I do not know what you are talking about.-6-When your man finally says to you- this bothers me you staring at those men!You tell your man- Sorry it won't happen again.-7-Even though your man told you that this staring thing is killing him!-keep on going with the staring.-8-Even though your man is depressed and withdrawn from you - keep on staring!-9-If your man tells you- I have lost interest in you because I do not know how you really feel about me anymore-you just act like you want everybody else but ME!-Keep staring.-10- When your man says to you about your long going staring-I do not have any interest in having sex with you anymore -If you don't feel it for me then I don't feel it for you anymore-SORRY! I hope you guys read this good because this is what every women is feeling when you guys take us for granted!Us women chose to be with the man she's with because she thinks your great and the prize she dreamed of and everything she ever wanted! So guys if you really don't want to be with us anymore just tell us so we can find someone to make us HAPPY -BECAUSE WE DESERVE BETTER!!!!! AS for you Kris I think you should try to talk to your boyfriend and really tell him this is killing you and this needs to stop.If he is still doing this staring thing after you tell him it's killing you- then tell him no more sex-This is the only thing that really stopped my husband for awhile.Telling my husband sorry I can't give myself to you anymore- YOU ARE NOT GIVING YOUR FULL SELF TO ME -THEN I AM NOT GIVING MY FULL SELF TO YOU! WHEN I AM GIVING MY FULL SELF TO YOU AND YOU ARE SHOWING ME I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IS THEN FORGET IT!! YOUR LOSS!!!
Posted @ Thursday, January 17, 2013 2:16 AM by Patti
Kris,I just wanted to say to you I know your pain.Kris there is nothing wrong with you it is your boyfriends problem.If your boyfriend does not stop staring after you tell him it bothers you -you are going to have to get firm with him.If he really loves you then he will try to stop doing it or it will happen alot less because he is trying to calm it down.Now when you talk to him make sure he is looking in your face that you are serious about how much this bothers you.If after telling him and no change then tell him -Sorry NO SEX-! Tell him you can not give to someone who is not giving their whole self to you.I guess this will be the big test to you if he gets mad and walks away then you can just forget about him and find someone that makes Kris Happy.I hope I do not make you upset Iam just trying to speed up what I have learned first hand from 8 years of this pain.I am married so if this staring thing started when we were going together. I would have to say I would not of married him.I am only saying this as to what I feel now and learned -that its real hard when you have kids and no where to go to run from this.I feel trapped and alone for a long time.Kris do yourself a favor and if you think your gut is telling you your not happy- then get someone that will make you happy -Please don't waist your life. I hope this helps.
Posted @ Thursday, January 17, 2013 3:29 AM by Patti
I'm relieved to have found this thread. Thank you Kurt for starting it, I hope it helps me to sort through my thoughts and I definitely no longer feel alone in this matter or that I am the one with the insecurity. I got a lot out of Patti comments about the three ways men look at women. I am 45 my husband is 34 and from Germany and I love him dearly. He stares at women in all the three ways Patti described. We have been together for 5.5 years and married for 2 yrs. We spend our time diving, hunting, fishing and traveling. He has made it possible for me to see many
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 9:49 AM by Sandy
Countries in Europe when we travel to see his family in Germany. I first noticed his staring habit the first time we traveled to Europe before we.were married. It annoyed me but I tried to tell myself that he loves me that's why he brought me here to meet his family. After that trip I began to watch him more closely when we went out in public and realized the full extent of his habit. He definatley looks for the prettiest girl in the room and positions himself to be able to stare and watch her the entire time we are.there. When I Finally confronted him about it and told him I thought it was rude and disrespectful he denies staring and said he only looked. nothing changed by telling him how it made me feel. I decided one day after we were married to go through his internet history and found numerous sites and images of women that he views daily, everything from simple images of actresses, girls in bikinis and porn. Tons of views throughout his daily work day. I told him I went through his history because I was concerned and told him that I felt he was saturating his mind with images that I could never be or look like and that he is creating expectations in his mind that I can never satisfy. His response, "there is nothing wrong with looking at beauty and it was just a cultural difference between Europeans and Americans" he has continued to use this excuse and it seems he has such an engrained habit that it cannot be changed. Just this month we were in Miami and he couldn't stop staring at the blonde at the grocery store and kept dropping the pen to sign the signature pad at checkout. I positioned myself in front of him staring directly into his eyes and he just looked over my head to continue his staring. When we left the store he started to talk about what she was wearing and I said "oh really I didn't notice I wasn't staring like you were" he said yea I saw you giving me that look and just think "so what" this
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 10:16 AM by sandy
Response really hurt me. It was like he was saying he didn't care that I was annoyed by his staring. He said that because he thinks its ok to look and he says he isn't staring...not true...he IS staring. I dont know how he can break a habit that he thinks is ok and I just need to get over it. I hope this thread helps me to heal the hurt i feel in my heart. 
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 10:26 AM by sandy
I see now that the persons name posting the message comes after the post. So Chris is the one who enlightened my thoughts and feelings. As I said my husband stares at women in a three different ways Chris described which makes me feel uneasy. Our outdoor activities and the affection my husband shows me is the only thing that has kept me holding on. Even when I feel cold toward him he hugs me and kisses me. I will Continue to read these threads to help in understanding. 
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 11:31 AM by sandy
After reading my post I see that I haven't shared the true extent of my husbands habits. I no longer want to go into public places with him, the outdoors doesn't offer women to gaze at and we enjoy the outdoors. Every time we go into a public place he fi ds someo girl to study and there is never a time that we have been in public that this doesn't occur...his habit is habitual...as many have described here...
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 5:10 PM by sandy
I've been with my husband since 1989. We married in 1994. Two years ago is when the staring started. And he denies it which is worse. I was a go go dancer since the 80.s and that's where I met him. He has always been very jealous and would never look at another woman. When I would go to work he had a very hard time with it. I am literally falling apart. I cannot eat and put on a few lbs as on hormones and I was at the gym 5 days a week and Rock hard but I hurt my ankle and I need a break. I need to lose 15 lbs. or 20. But he is overweight and needs to lose it for his heart. His medications have put a damper on sex and I am so frustrated and asked him if he would be interested in an open marriage. He didn't care for this idea. I said if your going to look at other women and lie on top of maybe you need to see what's out there and I need to get some satisfaction cause you never look at me like that and never come near me and I understand they his medications put a damper on it but he still has hands that can pleasure me. The bottom line was at lunch on Monday when a young girl walked by and he went up and down her. My heart ripped in two. He laughed first as he knew I had him but then he got nasty and now he is still denying it. Bit tonight he says he wasn't mentally undressing her but just looked . First he denied it totally , now he might have just looked. I am not an idiot and I saw his eyes go up and down. Not the first time. I don't want to go out with him anymore and I packed a suitcase and wondering whether to leave or not. I told him tonight I wish I was still dancing and you would be into me and he said I bet you do wish that and I said that's where I met you so don't say anything about my work cause I was there dancing. Then he commented, yes, you were dancing . Very sarcastically . I threw a bag 
Of almonds at him as this was the only thing to throw. He is divorced and had one girlfriend before me . He buys me gifts that are beautiful and money can't buy you love. I am aching in my heart. All I want is his attention and all I see is him giving the attention with the stare. How do I make him confess? I fear that we cannot go on without the truth. He always only had eyes for me.
Posted @ Thursday, January 24, 2013 9:42 PM by Avy s.
There were so many of these that I stopped reading half way through. I have also experienced the same as the others. The guy who STARES at other women, claims he looks at everyone equally, and gets mad when you call him on it. It's so routine, I don't want to go anywhere in public with him. I AM an attractive woman. I know because when I get dressed up for a night out, I get ogled as well. He's better now than he used to be (maybe that's because I don't go out with him as often anymore), but I've decided on a new approach. The next time he does it, I'm going to walk over to the woman (believe me I can point her out in a place even if she's behind me and I haven't noticed her myself), tell her I think my fiancee is interested in her and ask if she'd like to go sit with him. If she doesn't, I'll come back and say sorry she's not interested. If she does, I'll lead her back to the table and offer her my diamond and leave. I'll keep you posted.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 29, 2013 7:21 PM by Tam
I have many thoughts on this. Women have been conditioned from early childhood to see their value in others' eyes, most especially men or God's eyes. They learn to value themselves according to how they figure in men's eyes. They rate themselves accordingly. They watch what the men in their lives look for in order to gain a sense of who they are as feminine creatures in the world. 
Well, when their men view porn or are taken by other women, they are annihilated. Not only does their man not see them, but they are lost to themselves, because they have learned to see themselves through men's eyes.  
I think it's high time that this change. I think that women need to begin to "see" themselves through their own eyes and to begin to really "see" men. Start to care more about what you see in the world than what your partner is looking at. Don't even look at your partner to see what he is looking at....just look at what you want to look at. Women need to start seeing and appreciating men the same way that men have been doing for centuries. It's time to start to find your sexuality outside of a man's gaze....More later
Posted @ Monday, February 04, 2013 12:12 AM by Kat
So...anyway...I think it is getting so painful for women that there is going to need to be a huge shift. Women can no longer seek to see their worth reflected in a man's eyes. Women if you are looking to see your value reflected in a man's eyes, you will come up empty most of the time, because he will be looking at other women. The problem here in my opinion is not that he is choosing to look at other women, it is that you are the one feeling the pain as you look into his porn/lust filled eyes. Look away from those eyes and find the man in the room who is looking at you, and engage with HIM. Forget your partner....don't worry about who is looking at you, just engage with whoever it might be. Have more fun. I love the idea of introducing the man to whomever he is staring at and inviting the person over....too funny...great plan....I like it....Have more fun ladies...Just walk into a room and vow to engage the man who is most interested in you, and then have fun....Don't even pay attention to anyone not paying attention to you.
Posted @ Monday, February 04, 2013 12:20 AM by kat
My husband would do this in the grocery store, so, I finally told him that we would divide and conquer. He could go towards the produce aisle....I'd go to the bakery...We could traverse the grocery store. He could stare at all the beautiful women, and I'd check out all the gorgeous men, and then we could compare notes. I actually did this....He did not like it at all.....What's good for the goose is great for the gander...Have at it ladies.
Posted @ Monday, February 04, 2013 12:26 AM by Kat
More thoughts.....People are going to look at beauty. One thing that got lost for me when I tried to reconcile my husband's search for "beautiful, sexy women" was the ability to see myself as a "beatiful sexy woman".....Why was I unable to see myself that way anymore just because I found out about my husband's porn? Because I was looking into his eyes to see a reflection back of myself, and there wasn't one there, because his eyes were on other women's beauty. Something had to give. I realized that short of blinding him, my husband was going to continue to engage the world of "beautiful, sexy women". The most I could hope for was to be a part of the harem, but I couldn't even let myself be part of the harem. I couldn't see myself as beautiful and sexy anymore. I had to explore why I gave this man so much power, the power to define my beauty by what he did or did not view. That is just crazy to give so much power to another person. It was crazy to let his desire to view other women's beauty as an indictment on me, to take it personally.  
I had to take it all back one step at a time and search for the places where this all got started. It got started in fairy tales and religion. 
I also discovered that my desire to see myself reflected in my husband's eyes was totally narcissistic as is seeking to be the "only one". When I finally began to let this nonsense go, I started to have nothing but fun, and today I have my beautiful, sexy self back 100%, because I no longer see myself through my husband's eyes...My beautiful, sexy self does like what she sees now; she sees men instead of a narcisstic view of herself, and the view is awesome. Bring on those gorgeous men and the eyes to see them.....:)
Posted @ Wednesday, February 06, 2013 4:07 PM by Kat
More thoughts. I've been pretty amazed at some of the articles I read, especially in the Christian community that places this problem on men (just bounce your eyes when you see a beautiful woman) and women (just cover up and stop expressing your feminity would ya').....I think everybody at the end of the day knows this is ridiculous. For one thing it reduces men's view even further to seeing beautiful women as "temptation"....talk about objectifying and reducing a person!! Then, it also leaves a woman expressing her beauty with the identity of "temptation"....This is an old story, but it keeps replaying.  
Various social forces have successfully indoctrinated women into only having eyes for their husbands, but this falls apart when what's really going on comes to light. She's left looking at him (only having eyes for him) looking at other women. She's out of the mix. This is not a tragedy, it is a wonderful opportunity coming forward for women to begin seeing something besides the view of the world through their husband's eyes. That's kind of creepy. I saw what my husband took pleasure in viewing. It totally creeped me out. 
I realized that if I did not change this situation immediately I was going to suffer greatly. 
I believe that the porn epidemic has brought women a gift....the chance to finally begin to see the world through their own eyes. If they continue as they have been, they are in for a world of hurt...a world of annihilation of their sexuality. Just on the other side it the opposite....bringing their sexuality home to themselves...their beauty...It's life or death. Ladies we make the choice. Which one is it going to be. Porn is not going away and neither is men viewing it. At best you can hope for your man's porn use to be called a "struggle", but it's not ever going away. So, it's time to make the shift within ourselves to walking in our beautiful sexuality apart from men.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 06, 2013 4:24 PM by kat
my boyfriend actually left me on the side of Freemont Street in Las Vegas to walk up to the 3/4 naked hot chick, walk completely around her (to not miss one angle). She then started flirting with him. He told me that I had to quit being so insecure - she was hot and standing there with the purpose of being checked out by men.I felt quite humiliated standing on the side of the street with his friends watching him soak in evey angle of her. He had glanced at hundreds of girls at this point but leaving my side to get closer? It made me want to throw up. It changed the nature of our relationship and I can't help but wonder how far he would have gone if he had been with his friends and not me.
Posted @ Sunday, February 10, 2013 11:00 AM by Joann
I want to clarify that my boyfriend is not a cheater. I just feel like there has to be a limit to the energy expended on other women. Like some of the other posts have mentioned my boyfriend is the type to tell me about the hot banker, the hot dental hygienist, the hot actresses on tv. He told me that he could never have a female therapist because he would want to have sex with them, he did not like having a hot message therapist because he wouldn't get a happy ending, etc... At one point I did ask him to quit treating me like a 'buddy' and treat me like a girlfriend instead.
Posted @ Sunday, February 10, 2013 11:05 AM by Joann
I agree there has to be a limit to the energy "expended" on other women. Do you know what that limit is for you? It sounds like your boyfriend is more than comfortable with the limits or lack thereof that he has going. I think people definitely have to agree on something like this. Everyone has their comfort zone and boundary lines. What are yours and do they really match your boyfriend's? You sound like a beautiful person.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 13, 2013 6:52 AM by Kat
So far, this is one of the best resources I've found for trying to understand my problem and what I might be able to do about it. 
First, let me say that while what many have said (Chris) about women dressing up to get other guys attention may be the case to some degree, I also think they do it to keep their guys attention. At least that is what my wife tells me. She often comments on how even though she is dressed to the 9's I still don't look at her. Well, she is a Fox and I do. But, I have also looked at others and that trumps my looking at her.  
Like many have said, it is damaging to the female psyche when their man looks at another women. No Matter how hot they are.  
For a long time, I've argued that I must just be overly sensitive to movement... I'm just too observant... But, after reading this, it sounds like a common ailment. I agree that as a boy I was constantly taught by society that attractive women were desireable... Just like the cartoon analogy mentioned way above... The wolf's eyes bugging out at the attractive female... And, all through my life, into my 50's now, society continues to drive this message home... It only seems to get more intense and prevalent as time goes. A constant barrage... For God sake, even advertising clearly directed at women is over the top. Is that just to reinforce any feelings of inferiority they have? To convince them to buy the product so men will see them as the model in the ad? It's crazy! 
I've been thinking that I need to get some help to desensitize myself to the external stimulation. I've been thinking that I might be ADHD... I might be... Well, I'm FINALLY coming to accept that looking is a habit that must be broken. But, it is such a deeply ingrained habit. I have gotten much better about it. I'm able to more quickly realize what I'm doing and correct. I am able to abstain from looking with any thoughts of lust. But, I still struggle with that deep seated urge to react when around women in public.  
Any advice on techniques for breaking the urge to look when I hear a woman speaking or hear their heals would be very appreciated. I'm gonna look for some literature on ways to focus my mind and hopefully find a way to be less alert to offending opportunities. I read on another site about a book called The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner. Looks interesting... 
I've been with my lady for over 30 years. She is unbelievably sexy and awesome. I definitely owe it to her.  
Thanks everyone for sharing on this painful topic.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 06, 2013 2:19 PM by Dirtbag
Posted @ Monday, March 11, 2013 8:07 PM by Chris weir
********(Please read this)*****  
Ok, we men get it…..Men are pigs, 
we only have one thing on our minds, we are disgusting, and men only want sex….. blah, blah, blah. 
I’m sure you have by now heard men try to defend themselves by poorly using scientific evolutionary theory but to no avail because women simply see men as trying to excuse their behavior. 
And women should be upset, since this is a chemical response that causes this reaction. 
Women go through a range of emotions, feeling threatened by other women, 
Jealous of the other woman, who won her man’s attention, 
Embarrassment for the social violation in an environment of civil expectations of propriety, 
Guilt for possibly not maintaining their physique over the years, 
Insulted by the offensive act, 
Disgust because she feels she is with a man of base character, 
Anger because their man violated a unremunerated right in the relationship, 
And lastly betrayal of the sexually related feelings expressed towards another when they were assumed to be completely exclusive physically and mentally. 
All these feeling hit a woman like a truck. She cannot control them because the chemical hormones in her body trigger and involuntarily make her feel the chemical reaction taking place within her. 
Men can try as they might to explain their defense but it is no use because she will always feel this way. She is a victim to the chemicals creating her emotions. 
She may hide it, or pretend not to be upset but inside she is feeling all these things. 
And Mistrust. 
Well, now I am going to explain to women without using theory but just simple fact why men are pigs. 
Are you ready for it? 
Ok here it is……. 
Men are disgusting pigs because………wait for it…………. Men, 
are meant to be MEN. 
That’s it.  
There is your ground breaking revelation. 
There is the answer to why men continue to look at other women and to seemingly only have interest in sex. 
Was that not what you were expecting? 
Well ok, allow me a moment to be a little clearer when I say “men are men.” 
How about this, 
If you were a man, 
You too would be the same disgusting pig as the rest of us. 
Women often can be heard complaining how men cannot understand how it is to be a woman….well that goes both ways ladies. 
Men are men and women will never know what it is like to be in the body of a man.  
Something women should understand that both men and women share is how hormones can affect our behavior. 
Well, let me tell you about a little old chemical called testosterone. 
Testosterone is a friend to some and an enemy to others and ironically, a friend and enemy to the same people. 
The difference between men and women is the sexual 
hormones that develop us into what we are. 
Both men and women have a combination of estrogen and testosterone. Men would actually be woman if not for the release of these chemicals that transform our ovaries into testicles. 
So if anything we men are you women but changed because of chemical culprits. Women are the default gender. 
Sex drive is dependent on testosterone levels but only in the presence of an estrogen balance.  
Each day women produce UP to 1miligram of testosterone. 
So what? You say…well 
Levels of testosterone influence human behavior because neurons are sensitive to steroid hormones. 
Testosterone levels are used in the regulation of human libido. Testosterone is capable of altering the structure of the brain.  
Today, Testosterone can now be used as an experimental treatment to raise a woman’s sexual interest, arousal, and satisfaction. 
In women, testosterone has a direct effect on sex drive and sexual response. Women taking testosterone have more sexual thoughts, fantasies, activity, masturbation activity and sexual satisfaction. 
Rightly or not, women are often seen as being under the influence of their menstrual hormones. 
As a result, they are said to be subject to hormonal “tides” or hormonal “storms.” 
Well women during their Sexual horny time of the month experience and increase of testosterone. 
So at this point you need to agree with the fact that, you women can understand that it’s difficult to control your behavior when all these influx of chemicals are altering your otherwise normal self. Mood swings, happy, sad, horny whatever. 
When females have a higher baseline level of testosterone, they have higher increases in sexual arousal levels. The level of testosterone also changes Sexual thoughts. 
So if YOUR behavior is understandably tolerated during these times of the month, imagine having libido chemicals slamming your brain and body constantly on a daily basis far greater than what you women have to deal with. 
Women talk about being able to have more self-control than men sexually but what women forget to mention is, 
Women are “only controlling a fraction of what chemical testosterone that men are expected to control”. 
In 24 hours the “average” man produces 7 milligrams as oppose to a woman’s “UP to” 1 milligram in 24 hour range. 
Once again, I point out that men ARE women except for the chemicals that change us. We are what women would be if they were also bombarded with the chemicals components in the Y sex chromosome. 
So what exactly are women bragging about when they say they “Refrain but guys don’t?” 
“Women refrain their 1 milligram but get angry when guys struggle with their 7 milligrams of testosterone?”  
Not to mention the fact that women take advantage of this sex obsession men have by baiting men’s attention by pressing the legal limits of wearing the least amount of clothing possible. 
Men wear shorts at the beach, but women wear thonged panties and bras called “swimwear” 
Yes, camel toe and butt cheeks in public view but men are the perverts for looking. We are beating back 7 milligrams of I want to F^#k now chemicals with near naked bodies bouncing around pretending they don’t know or try to solicit male attention…..yeah, that’s fair….sigh. 
As a man trying to keep the brain altering chemical bursts of sex drive at bay is one thing, but to also have women shamelessly hiding their real faces behind glamour model makeup and wearing form fitting, scantly clade or simply provocative dress designed as casual wear on top of it is….well… ridiculously stupid. 
Yet women tell us that we should be magically changed with movie magic love once we enter a relationship despite our biological -hormonally chemically- induced- 7 times their sexual drive make up. 
Women are reported to masturbate maybe once every week, but with men it’s a daily basis, multiple times a day, As teenage boys 4 times or more, it all just depends on the drive. Now that’s just what guys admit to, more honest have said they have done 10 or more a day. 
So, if men are this more active, and throughout history have had this bad wrap of being perverts, shouldn’t we ask ourselves why they are this way? Or should we simply conclude its because they are bad people and should be punished? 
Is it a coincidence almost all men seem the same all over the world and all through time? Or maybe….IT’S BECAUSE MEN ARE NOT WOMEN!!!!  
Women can’t boast about control unless they are somehow trapped in men’s bodies battling the same chemical condition men are. 
But just as chemicals will make you hungry and think of food, your mind and thoughts cannot be compared to another person because all of our bodies are different. Man to man and woman to woman. 
Unless you walk the shoes of that particular individual’s body, how can we know what they battle with?  
And although we tell our women it’s not a personal thing or a betrayal of love, we are in the dog house time and time again for this chemical impulse causing us to simply notice and being visually impressed by other women in passing 
So there is the “why”, men look. 
They are influenced by strong chemicals because nature doesn’t recognize the exclusive civilized exclusive relationship he has made with his woman, by altering his sexual attention once he’s committed.  
So the impulse is still Very strong. It is not a habit, but a chemical behavior. 
A man is constantly at battle with his primal design to mate the world with his genetic code. 
The simple cure for this constant looki 
ng behavior would be to take drugs to reduce the sexual drive in a man. (Like women do with birth control altering the estrogen balance that functions the testosterone and reducing libido) However the reduced sexual appetite would also make the man not only less sexually interested in woman but also the woman he loves. 
Love doesn’t make penises rise and women don’t need to keep their equipment erect by fueling it with constant sexual thoughts like a man does. 
Women just need to show up for the occasion but a guy has to be aroused to perform the act and all the pressure is on him.  
So you can’t really keep your cake and eat it too.  
Now that I have properly explained the real science behind men’s visual fixation as oppose to the simple “men are supposed to rape everything in sight evolution” argument. 
I want to make it clear that, simply because we as men have a stronger impulse to succumb to our passions does not mean we are justified to do so. A man is not entitled to cheat or lustfully creep-stare-down a woman to the point of visually impregnating her.  
Men are no more entitled to that behavior than they are to punching or beating people because we are chemically induced with emotional anger when upset. 
All I am pointing out is women who compare their ability to refrain from behaving like men is ridiculous because they are not accomplishing this while occupying a man’s body and having to deal with women soliciting their attention. 
Men are interested in aggressive action, hearty food, crude humor and the perfect female form. Anything relating to those four things is what it is to be male. Things Related to these topics usually ends up being sports, fighting, sex, meat, cars, mean jokes and guns. 
Of course there are men who have more interests and are not so two dimensional but the basic interest men share tend to be these. Now in regards to women and the men who look at them. 
There are three kinds of ways men look at the presentation of a beautiful woman. 
1 The look of appraising Admiration 
2 The look of Lust. 
3 The look of Flirtation 
When a man looks at a woman with appraising admiration it’s when a man looks at a woman of beauty much the same way as when a woman sees an attractive woman, but from a different perspective. It’s a critical assessment of the figure. 
It’s a scanning for imperfection and when none is found, simple admiration follows. Much like a jeweler appraises a diamond. It is a pleasure to view an object of attractive qualities such as a new sports car or astonishing spectacle. 
At this point there is no sexual attachment to the action and may appear to onlookers that the man staring is gawking. This type of fixation is not with every woman who passes because once imperfections are found the man takes his attention elsewhere. To deny this kind of looking is impossible, EVERYONE does it, men, women, old, young, EVERYONE.  
The question is why does it seem that men look more? Is there an equal amount of men worthy of attention as there are women? Are men showcasing themselves to the same level as women? Are men constantly watching the eyes of their women or are they too distracted by the woman casually flaunting themselves? 
The second way a man looks at a woman is a lustful look whereby the man hosts various mental articulations of sexual acts or feels emotional desire and or a yearning to engage in sex. This type of look is done by Indulging in carnal fantasy of penetrating, groping and undressing the object in view. 
This kind of look is the kind that is done when pornographic material is being viewed and most likely arouses the man. Some men may do this privately until noticed while others do it regardless if the subject discovers the onlooker. 
This type of look is often termed “eye fu%king”. It is the bitters man attempt to psychologically disturb the subject as a consolation to the likelihood nothing more will come out of the encounter. 
The third way a man looks at a woman is flirtation. The man stares until he meets the eyes of the woman and engages in a private world of acknowledgement. 
This is more for the thrill. It’s the rush of adrenaline for the underdog being noticed by an attractive woman and also could signify his interest in pursuit of something further. This look is done with engaging the subject’s eyes and not the body. 
Appraising objects of beauty is not nor should not be threatening in a relationship. A man could do it with the same gender, a really nice car or anything worthy of attention since it is not a sexual act. 
And if a man is easily impressed with the appearance of others, a simple solution to his looking problem is to wear sun glasses.  
This way he will not be mistaken for lusting at all the women who dress provocative and solicit attention. And his significant other will no longer try to chaperone his sight from her perceived dangers of the world. 
There is an obligation to maintain discretion with a man’s eyes because the man’s company may feel embarrassed by the man’s fixations or the subject of attention may feel uncomfortable if they are not soliciting attention. 
While it can be argued that to admire the beauty of a person’s body is simply the appreciation of rare accomplishment resulting from the dedication one commits to working out, Staring at people, or people’s things without discretion is simply rude. 
So once again wear sunglasses so that your perception, like your thoughts will be private and noninvasive in public.  
However the look of lust is a completely different scenario which can be controlled with practice because it is not an automatic reaction to the presentation of an attention worthy subject but rather it is the initiated, deliberate and willful indulgence of a mental rape. 
This kind of mental foreplay often accompanies masturbation in order to maintain fuel for the fire and even can corrupt a man’s thoughts during intimacy while the man is with his significant other if he finds his erection fading. 
This type of looking should be discouraged. It’s addictive, sinful and very progressive, to the point of obsession. While science can argue that men may be drawn to certain biological elements in the women’s child bearing form, science does not justify the elected carnal practices of raping someone visually.  
The look of flirtation is the most dangerous, since it seeks thrills from others, not as a simple admirer or even as bad as a voyeur but more so as one interested in interaction with the subject of attraction. 
This is a betrayal at the most conscious level. As far as infidelity, Flirtation is not one step away from the next level; it’s a step of the next level.  
So with everything being said, I would like to clarify and review a few points. All Looking is not all the same thing. Men are not women and women will never be men. 
I will not pretend I can understand a woman or what she is thinking because although we share humanity we are on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum. You may ask yourself, why does my man look at other women if he loves me?  
• The answer is, because love is not in conflict with the desire to view something worthy of attention. 
• Secondly, your man loves you because there is only one you, one soul and that cannot be replaced with anyone else in the world. 
• Third a body IS in fact a piece of meat. It is not who you are, but only the shell you reside in. A man does not marry a body, a man marries a soul. A body can gain in physical appeal or lose it depending on the actions of the operator and simple aging.  
• Men rate women on personality and beauty; but men are rated primarily on personality and financial status. A woman can love a man and hate his poor house, just as a man can love a woman and hate her poor body. The body is only a material item which is not the substance or integrity of the relationship, so one should not feel threatened or feel subjugated to comparison like a used car traded for a new one when a woman of attractive appeal walks by. Your man is not with you because he thinks you are the most attractive woman he can have (or has had) He is with you because there is only one you. The way you look is the physical association he has with your personality and so is attached to you and all that reminds him of you. There are trillions of women that he may find more attractive then you are accessible to him, yet he will not stray away because that is once again not the reason he is with you. Now if women walked about wearing their souls and men looked at them that would be a different story and reasonable cause for doubt and insecurity because a person’s soul should not interest them more than yours, but a body could be more impressive than yours because of the work invested in it. I feel no threat if and when an attractive man is present because I know my wife is not with me for my appearance. What I possess is not in competition. Who I am is my most valuable possession and I am the only one who has that. 
• In truth staring at everything that walks around but the person you are with is annoying and disrespectful because a woman (or any company for that matter) should have the majority of your attention while you are with them.  
• However feeling bad about other women and chastising men for looking at them passing by is extreme and controlling. Admiration of another person’s beauty does not trespass on your imaginary territory over your man’s free will. When a man marries a woman or gets in a 
relationship, he agrees to not to not see any other women, but he doesn’t mean that literally. lol  
• In most cases although not all, some women may feel guilt because they have not done their homework as far as the upkeep or even the betterment of their own physique and their guilt transitions into anger towards their men for making them feel inadequate in that area. 
• A woman’s body will constantly change and always provide something new and different for her man when she works out or has kids. Most of these transitions and changes provide something pleasurable to the man unless it is total neglect. After a woman has a baby, the man enjoys thicker thighs bigger butt, larger breasts, and before she has her child, the man has the youthful tightness and sleekness of her body.  
Apples and oranges. When a woman works out she never reaches the best of what she can be just as a man never does. There is always the ability to invest and adjust. However the unwillingness to do so may subjugate your man to a prison of all he will ever have in a sexy body is what you decide you will invest, which may not be the most promising concept. But once again remind yourself that he is not with you for your body but your soul 
• Lastly remember that we as individuals contribute to the whole of society. You know what I mean…make a difference by changing the man in the mirror sorta stuff. My point being is, if you in your hay day wore provocative clothing while you were single, I’m sure when you dressed this way you were quite aware of what the effects it had on men both married and single. 
That being said, thinks about all the women who suffered as a result of you baiting their attention. Wearing glamour make up, showing skin and form fitting clothing, is the reason men look. 
If all men worked out and dressed in chip in dale biker volley ball shorts, hiding imperfections with tons of makeup and casually strolling by indifferent pretending they are not passive aggressive exhibitionists, women would also look. Women look now and men don’t nearly bait attention to the degree that women do.  
Point being is karma is a bitch and you get what you give, so be understanding.  
To all the men, our wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, daughters, make this world worth living. They are God’s gift to us. Try your best to not look at women. You may surly fail from time to time, to time to time but remember each time you avoid looking is a time you spare the person you love from feeling terrible and unloved, unwanted and like nothing. We know women will not control their crazy hormone psycho-ness because they have the hormone excuse. Ours don’t count because men are men lol so suck it up guys, we know we are justified to a point but we must be Men and protect our women, even from ourselves. 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 12, 2013 3:13 PM by chris
I have had to battle with this sort of thing and never even knew it was such a difficulty until I became married. Don’t lose heart though. My post was not to justify men actions with infidelity. The more something is practiced unchecked the greater the habit 
I only wanted to touch points for both women and men why the battle is so difficult. Its important to know the enemy to better understand it. The enemy as I call it refers to the potential hurt causers in the relationship. 
Yes it is natural and simply nature to notice and enjoy visually appealing objects. and I want to stress objects because that is what we are when we are seen as strangers. just “things” once you get to know a person they lose their fantasy allure and become real. My wife was a Hot sexy fantasy and now she is my love.  
guys are attracted sexually to the object not so much the human. when women put on lingerie they become objects. it strips away the personality and becomes a fantasy stranger. 
yeah what I’m saying sounds like pretty scary stuff, but relax its not that bad. let me explain why. you might think your man has lost interest in you because hes not crazy about sex as he once was but that’s because you are no longer seen in his eyes as an empty object but you have evaluated to family loved one.  
when he is feeling deep loving connection at times he may become aroused and make love. But remember most guys have spank banks that fuel the brain to command an erection at will. after a while this bank runs out. or he may try to objectify you in his thoughts doing things you would never agree to in order to feed his erection. that’s why its the man who “performs” and the woman who gets to judge lol 
a man can just have a morning erection at the time and use it but ultimately a man trains his thoughts to be aroused with fantasy objects and associates empty lifeless strangers as sexual. so there really is no comparison to the hot blonde walking down the street and his loved family member. he doesn’t want to trade up. they aren’t regarded as the same thing. 
a stripper is sexy, hot, and yummy up until the object “stripper” becomes a “person”. once you know them, once you know their kids, their father dying of cancer, their diabetic condition, their political opinions, their bad breath, farts, bad manners, thoughts, dreams, bills, personality, life story, they lose object appeal and become someone you love or hate. if you love them you still end up losing the “object attraction” to them the same way you would when you hate them. 
guys will have hot ex girl friends but the hot aspect didn’t prevent them from dumping them, because they lost that appeal once the man knew them as a person and not a mystery fantasy with self projected assumptions of what they may be like. 
of course once the man forgets what she was like she can become a fantasy again which is why you have rekindling of old flames. 
anyway. don’t lose heart cat. Just remind your man from time to time when he slips and know that he’s trying a lot harder then you think, but you only notice the times he fails lol. Its not personal and will become more difficult to avoid if you create that “forbidden” status with it 
it sucks and is really annoying being sex crazed, more so when you are younger ,but it can be controlled. Its just that in todays world it can feel like each day is another battle against the odds.  
I’m writing a book on this subject now, hopefully it will help people understand both sides of the fence. 
ex can be a very complicated topic. Everyone plays by a different moral rule book if any at all. Obviously it has its importance and directly affects us all since none of us would exist if not because of it. I know many disagree with others placing restrictions on what one can or cannot do with their lives or their bodies but facts are what they are; there are obviously pros and cons to this issue. Sex is a matter to be addressed in any and all societies. Whether it be misused or abused it affects us all and this is the reason I believe all of us are entitled to an opinion. 
We as humans obviously share many traits and physical qualities with the rest of the creatures of the world and so defend our more primal actions by saying its natural. While such arguments have some merit to a point, they neglect the fact that we are uniquely more than the rest of the animal kingdom. 
We have awareness of awareness; the greatest intellect on the planet and we have love. 
This quality is against nature’s rule of self-preservation because love means sacrifice. It is the sacrifice of someone’s time, energy, resource or life for another regardless if there is any gain or not. This ability of understanding raises the bar of expectation of each other. If a dog bites us we don’t take it personal because it’s the dog’s nature to be a dog, but when a man behaves like a dog when he is capable of much more, it is offensively personally. It is a show of inconsideration and lack of respect. 
With that being said (obviously awarding a point towards women at the expense of men’s short coming) women should also be accountable for not behaving as an animal and flaunting sexual body parts to increase the level of difficulty. Meaning, being hungry and controlling oneself from not eating is one thing, but to fan the aroma of food and wave it about carelessly is another thing. 
Women pretend to be dressed casual but truly are far from it. It is not men who objectify alone; women greatly help accomplish the dehumanizing of themselves for men. Women are looked at like pieces of meat because they walk around wearing parsley.  
As I mentioned before, the stress men have to resist is greater than what women contend with. Men are hungrier than women. It’s not a coincidence that throughout history men are perverts. Why else are there thousands and thousands of strip clubs offering women dancers and not men. 
Why else do men masturbate so much more? Why else is a nympho a man’s dream? Why else do men think of paradise as being an orgy? Guys have the impulse to spread their seed around but women become pregnant for nine months. 
Now, I don’t wish to offend men by saying all men are raving vampires wanting to rape and pillage everything in sight. But some guys seem to have it worse than others, or are willing to admit to more than others but most would agree with me that women can do anything a man can but in the sex craze competition, they cannot compete in that department. Men as a whole want sexual anything more than women as a whole. It is socialization in part but hormones don’t lie. 
Men were built to be horny and want multiple partners at our base primal level. These feelings are conquered by our feminine side of nature and nurture. We want love too. It’s a war between the two. Women are catching up sorta but not really. The day men and women are the same in that regard is the day women are getting arrested for cutting peep holes in men’s locker rooms. 
I have found that sex becomes what it is for that person. If you have no inhibitions you are basically walking genitalia. Of course very few are that bad. If sex has no more meaning than a gesture similar to a hand shake for a person, then it tends to remain so. If sex is sacred and holy to a person than it will remain so. Personally I could have a hundred of beautiful women begging me for sex and I would not be tempted to engage; not because of my commitment to my wife so much as what the meaning sex means to me. 
I have not met many men who share this sentiment. I have been in situations not as extreme but pretty close and have not faltered because of the parameters of what I trained my perception of sex to be. Many men given the opportunity would have sex if eagerly offered by a random attractive stranger if privacy or stds were not an issue and most women know this. 
It’s a conundrum though. Men want sex and women want to please the men. Women compete against other women to win the men’s attention. Unless all women suddenly agreed to never provide casual sex, nor reveal their bodies for societies “entertainment” then nothing would change. Not to mention a great majority don’t want things to change. Sex is a fun built in drug. You get high whenever you want. 
When religion was forced or adopted you had common rules and concept as far as morality. But rules are loved to be broken, but once you throw the referees out with the rules you lose all structure to the game. Everyone does whatever they want until nature will regulate its self. 
China is over populated and the rest of the world is quickly following. Outside of just two virgins having sex is the spread (with or without condoms) of hpv (a virus causing cancer in women) and many more severe stds. There are many more cons such as abortion, unwanted pregnancies, women trafficking, degeneration of self-image of women (having to be compared and valued by a system of physical attributes) prostitution, deviated sexual practices often attributed to pornography desensitizing conventional sex highs and requiring more “taboo” to stimulate the brain. 
We have always heard that prostitution is the oldest profession. This is how we dehumanize ourselves into believing a woman is an Hors d’oeuvre passed around to be sampled from a tray. I think at some point in the future I would not be surprised if female flight attendants asked if the flyer would like a hand job with his pillow. 
The only problem with Christianity is the “Christians” who don’t follow it. Meaning you have to actually BE Christian for it to work properly. Very few do. Many claim the title but don’t practice it because it requires discipline. Christ said if you look at a woman with lust you have already committed adultery. I have lusted after images and women in the past and thought it impossible to avoid but later learned it is not impossible, just not pleasurable to refrain from a lifelong habit lol honestly porn is the same. 
No addict wants to stop their addiction lol come on that’s what people do when they know how difficult it would be to quit. Addicts of any craze will defend their position to death, we are all guilty of that. Denial is a wonderful thing in the life of the addict. 
Addicts hate the problems that arise from an addiction, they hate the people they hurt or the money wasted but the actual addiction is a form of pleasure. Stop watching porn and you will no longer crave it. Giving in to cravings is much more pleasurable than abstaining from them but the only way to gain strength in anything is by practice 
I used to loooove watching conventional porn, the variation of the situations but I gave it up because I know in my inner most being that we are not supposed to abuse our minds, souls, bodies and perception of sex which is wonderful between a husband and wife. Now it bothers me to see someone being used as a public semen dumpster.  
It is what it is, porn ranges from being urinated on, drinking bodily fluids, homosexual, pedophilia, snuff films, being defecated on, using fecal orifices, animals, torture, role playing like you are anyone but the person you are with lol….it just keeps getting further and further out there. Some people just like the romantic coupling, others pop with the exposure and become out there. 
I know women give themselves freely to the concept of sexual liberation like men but that’s going backwards. I would not want to take advantage of someone who doesn’t fully grasp what it is they are doing because their perception isn’t mature enough to see it. 
People should not conduct themselves as animals because viruses alone prove that although our bodies were designed similar to animals regarding sexual promiscuity, we as humans destroy our bodies with this behavior. 
Women have been taught to be conservative because they have been oppressed by men but it’s the men who were cheated on this concept because no one cared about the value of their virtue. Sex is an addiction like anything else 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 12, 2013 4:21 PM by Chris
I think the silliness in all of this is that people are fighting so hard against human nature. Men are men....Women are women....and never the twain shall meet. Why do we expect so much that does not match with our true nature? 
My husband did trade me in for a new model....That is reality....I was replaceable....That is reality. Am I destroyed by that? Far from it. What I learned was to love the man beyond the role he played in my life. 
Relationships are about roles that we play. I think where the pain and hurt come in is when women think their value is about a man's attention. Men are going to want to engage with lots of women sexually in a day, more than likely. What makes me sad is the pain that people seem to be in related to that. That pain is unnecessary, in my opinion. I don't feel pain anymore that my husband wants to be with other women. I only felt pain when he pretended to be committed to me but really wasn't. 
I think the culprit is the social and religious expectations that have been placed on people to be something other than what nature called us to be. Nature calls men to be attracted to many, many, many....most women sexually, to desire them and their bodies respond accordingly. Why do we then try to shut this down and ask the man to commit to one woman. This just seems like insanity to me, Why not just enjoy what nature gives us. 
Women are taught to believe that their value is tied to getting a man's attention, a man's commitment, a man's desire....blah, blah, blah.....That is where the problem lies, in my opinion. If the expectations in marriage did not include this bogus notion of sexual "fidelity"....men and women could forge honest friedships and form family relationships that had nothing to do with sexual "fidelity". 
Personally, I could never again have a vested interest in a relationship that had sexual "fidelity" as an expectation, because it feels like such a lie, but why demand this of one another.  
I think new paradigms for relationships between men and women are being forged where hopefully, a loving friendship can include a man's true sexual nature. 
I am no longer threatened by any of this, because I don't feel that my life is anything about getting a man's attention or keeping a man's attention. It is about living my life in full glory of sensual experience. This has absolutely nothng to do with whether a man is noticing me or wanting to have sex with me or anything. It has to do with living in a body that is not about what it "looks" like ot someone else but rather what it feels like.  
I don't need a man to feel the wind blowing through my hair, or to smell the scent of jasmine on the breeze or enjoy the best glass of wine and on and on and on.... 
Men don't have the power to give my life by noticing me or take it away by not noticing me.... 
I live outside of the whole thing now. I'm very sorry for the pain that seems rampant between men and women....I wish somehow more women could have more fun with reality. I do not think men are pigs because they engage with many women sexually. I don't really think love and sex have anything to do with one another. Sex is just sex....and it is really no big deal in the end.... 
Posted @ Sunday, March 17, 2013 5:09 AM by Kat
Chris...what stands out to me in what you and others have written here is this phrase "it's not personal". I think women take things "personally" that are not personal at all. Men are sexually attracted to many, many women, and it isn't "personal". Sex is not personal. I believe that sex is the activity that throws us all into the least personal realm. I think in some ways, we disappear as individuals during sex...sex by it's very nature throws us into the realm of the unpersonal collective. In my opinion, sex is the least personal thing on the planet. Most men can have sex with many women, and if not in reality, then in their minds, and they do it every single day across this planet. Porn, prostitution, affairs and on and on and on....It is NOT personal. I think that women are now really finally beginning to get this message.....Many women grew up with total fairytales and fantasy....the knight in shining armor that is going to love only her blah, blah, blah.....Barbie and Ken....blah, blah, blah....and then reality strikes... 
I do believe that fewer women are expecting life to match this fairtale nonsense...more and more women are getting that to men it's not "personal"...sex is just sex....can't we play with that notion for awhile...It's NOT personal. When her man is getting off to his porn....It's NOT personal. Sex is NOT love. Unfortunately this is a very difficult concept for many women to grasp, because of the fairytales. The women that I know that are the healthiest are the women that get this through and through. They do not expect to be the "one and only" swept away by "Prince Charming"...They know he's with a million other women, either in his mind or for real...and it doesn't matter to them...They know sex is just sex....nothing personal. To me sex is the least personal activity on the planet...Women are interchangeable body parts to most men when it comes to sex...nothing personal. I think that when women really get this, things will really improve for everyone...
Posted @ Sunday, March 17, 2013 6:21 AM by Kat
"just as a man can love a woman and hate her poor body. The body is only a material item which is not the substance or integrity of the relationship, so one should not feel threatened or feel subjugated to comparison like a used car traded for a new one when a woman of attractive appeal walks by." 
I think this is so very true. From what I read, many men "hate" their woman's body....It's overweight, covered with blemishes, saggy body parts, greying hair etc...These same women "hate" their own bodies. If men "hate" their women's bodies, the women hate their own bodies a million times more, and so you have diseases like breast cancer and heart failure, because women have come to value themselves according to how their men value them, and when their man '"hates" their body, they are lost. Well, when body is loved for the sensual pleasures it brings...that's a different ballgame. Just because a man "hates" his woman's body does NOT mean that she has to hate her own body. My hope and prayer is that more women will love their lives and learn to live a beautiful life inside their bodies. I hope fewer women will hate their bodies and thus miss out on the joys of life. I actually found it very freeing when I began to understand that life was not about how a man felt about my body...about how "disappointed" he was in my body. I used to be very sad that I couldn't bring myself in a different body to my husband, but there are some miracles I just can't do. Believe me, I would have loved to have brought him the body of his dreams, but that's not what I was put on the planet to be. I love my body now for the instrument of love that it is....
Posted @ Sunday, March 17, 2013 6:38 AM by kat
Yes its natural for guys to have a strong impulse to look at attractive women buts lets not get carried away. 
Truth is, if women were looking and staring as much as men, Men would be upset too. Men look because they like to see fireworks. They don't care about which fire work display is better (their current woman or the passerby) they just like the visual variety. 
As for the woman whose husband traded her up… 
Looking at pretty people is one thing… 
Sexually fantasizing being with her is another… 
Flirting Is a total mess… 
And as for cheating… 
Cheating is a completely different topic, Cheaters are cheaters. If you lose a cheater its like losing cancer. It's not your fault no matter what you did. A cheater will always be a cheater. If they cannot keep vow made to God their spouse and the world then their word is worthless. P.S flirting is cheating foreplay. 
Well, I can't speak for others but I don't want to live in "a brave new world" 
No I don't believe people should "resolve the law breaking by taking away the laws" attitude. If you take away the rules in any game to accommodate the rule breakers you have a total chaotic mess. People have lowered the bar on everything for the sake of the few. This only lowers the overall quality of the product.  
No one likes rules or referees but Christian concepts have been the structure of this world and country forever. Even in some non -Christian cultures you still have similar structure of relationships.  
I guess what I am trying to say is, 
1. You can't argue women have more self-control, or expect men to behave as women because we are built differently and have more extreme conditions. 
2. Men should try to control yourself because even though women will never understand what it is like to be in a man's sex charged body with women dressing like sex bait, Men still need to TRY and refrain from staring in the company of your woman or wear sunglasses. Whether personal or not, its embarrassing to share company with a gawker. 
3. Women need to not feel as though a man's interest in an attractive object is an attack on their position or standing with their husband but rather the result of the chemical make-up that differentiates men from women. Women are attracted to men but the degree is far stronger with men. Men would be women if not for this chemical make-up. And if anyone would argue otherwise, I'll believe the day women are arrested for putting cameras in men's dressing rooms. 
4. Looking at a woman is not the same as lusting at a woman. A creep stare sex moment is not involuntary. 
5. Both men and women need to relax a bit. Men please relax on pulling the biology nature card and try being discreet, wear sunglasses, try to pass up on a fire work every now and then. Women, you don't own your men's vision. If that was ever formally presented to your man as a condition to being in a relationship with you, he would have easily reconsidered that slavery control. Lol 
Posted @ Monday, March 18, 2013 1:40 PM by chris
I've read alot of these....and MY PERSONAL issue, is if im seeing a guy, boyfriend status, I dont give a F---, if the girl is walking next to me naked, it comes down to respect....yes i understand one thing is looking/glancing, but to be looking and looking again, and then again, and ok wait before she walks away gotta look again? its like give the person your with SOME type of respect. I get MEN are going to look regardless but if your doing it up to where i gotta question if you wana be with me, then do that shit on your own time.... point blank! Why make the person your with feel like shit?
Posted @ Monday, March 18, 2013 5:01 PM by Missdontgiveafuck
Exactly, well said, Miss
Posted @ Monday, March 18, 2013 5:55 PM by chris
Yes, I think you summed it up Miss :) Glancing is normal, the rest is down right ridiculous. As nice as he can be otherwise, I have to decide if this is what he is doing in front of me, what is he doing when I'm not there??? And, do I want to waste another moment of my life even thinking about it. Thank you all.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 19, 2013 12:19 PM by Kris
I am done with all of this shit my husband is doing! He keeps lying to me and thinks it's ok. I don't trust him anymore with his staring at other women and girls he keeps doing it and has not stopped and has not stopped for almost 8 years. Every time I have a good day he wrecks it by not thinking of my feelings! So now I have dreams of other men and feel guilty about it. These men I do not know some are from a show I keep watching (Super Natural) SUPER HOT GUYS for the women to have fun with when our husbands and Boyfriends are having fun with other women instead of thinking about our feelings! Have fun ladies!
Posted @ Tuesday, March 19, 2013 2:48 PM by Patti
Did any of you ladies see the two HOT GUYS on the show SuperNatural yet! I have wow cable so it's on channel 27 TNT. If you have Netflix you can see the show on there.Have fun staring at these HOT GUYS you earned it!
Posted @ Sunday, March 24, 2013 4:27 PM by Patti
It's time to enjoy life. Time for us all to enjoy ourselves and others with the God-given gift of sexuality. I truly do hope we can start having more fun....Patti, it sounds like you're having some fun. 
Time to laugh, enjoy the beauty of God's creation, including the beauty of men and women around us. Celebrate this life and our abilities to take it all in through our senses. It's a very good thing...very good indeed. I hope men can begin to feel less guilt for their God-given natures to desire all women. I hope women can begin to do the same in relation to men. Women may be a bit behind men in this regard, but they are quickly catching up and beginning to have more fun. Patti you are enjoying yourself instead of belly-aching about what your man is looking at...That's a good thing. Keep having fun in this life.
Posted @ Monday, March 25, 2013 9:48 AM by Kat
Not sure bely-aching is quite the issue in Patti's case. I think Patti's husband is deliberately making a point that he doesn't want his eyes chaperoned by his wife. Married men are not going to just stare at another woman while the wife is currently reprimanding him for it. This is something a guy would do to say to his wife that he doesn't care if she is upset; he doesn't want her controlling him in this way. This is a "yes I am looking at her and you can't stop me thing" 
Guys stare at beautiful woman because looking at them passing by is like looking at firework displays; you never get tired of it because each one is unique regardless if they are less amazing than the last one seen. You may have a favorite boom in the sky, but it doesn't stop you from enjoying the less favored displays.  
In Patti's case, I believe her man is passive aggressively saying "stop giving me penalty electric "shock" corrections whenever I look at a fire work walking by." 
I want to stress that I have never desired to have sex with another woman other than my wife. NEVER. EVERRRR. 
Admiring a fire work and desiring sex with another woman (whether opportunity presents its self or not) are two different things. I do not covet these presentations. I am just awed by them. Women go through hell making a fantasy look real. Women put on makeup, work out, high heels, push up bras, spanx underwear, polish their nails, panties- looking swimwear, expensive hair styles, waxing, body lotions, skin cleaning, contour fitting jeans leaving little to the imagination, eyebrow shaping, wearing Christmas tree like- jewelry, small tea shirts exposing boobs, candy and food flavored perfumes. Women do all but wear a price tag and put parsley on their heads with a big red bow. A guy is not going to be able to appraise all of that effort in a simple glance. Most guys don't even realize that the girl is wearing makeup foundation. They think she is really a heaven sent angel. Lol  
That’s why guys stare. They try to absorb if what they are really seeing is even possible….well that and boobs and butts displayed out in public like it aint no thang.  
Guys bathe, little cologne, little deodorant, shave and barber their hair for 10 bucks and we pray they floss. Lol any more than that and other guys shun you as a weakling, wanna be poser thinking you are good looking or a gay guy. 
Even women without great bodies will go through great lengths for a good presentation. The girls who say they still get stared at and don't wear make up or only wear t- shirts and jeans, never get my attention, unless them jeans are butt huggers. I think most women think they are not provocatively dressed because they are so used to dressing this way, or they are less provocative than what they could be. 
I mean there will always be some guys who really don't care what walks in front of them they look at everything. Like dogs they wanna hump anything they can hump with or without pulse. Those guys are not the norm. They are the shame of the rest of us. lol 
Patti's upset and its natural to be as a woman in this kind of society because so much emphasis, objectification and importance is placed on female appearance like it’s the only attribute; this is not true, but women are led to believe this because of media. 
Can guys resist looking at women? Yes. Is it fair for men to have to avoid solicited attention, or not be able to freely look in public where they choose? No. Should men be considerate of their company and be attentive to their female partner? Yes. Should women slap a guy on the back of the head for looking? No. A man can keep his eyes in his head because his eyes are in his head and they are meant to be used to see. Its presumptuous to believe we own each other's sight. 
What My purpose in writing in these kinds of topics is to share light to the women who believe a man's look means more than what it really is. I explained the three types of looks, I explained the why and the what it means. I also explained to men what women feel when guys get ridiculously in to stare zone.  
I get stared at but don't bother me because nothing I don't want seen is visible. People can stare at me because its their eyes. So long as they do not touch me. I only even notice they are staring if I first look at them to see it being done. 
This is the world we live in. Men are sex driven so have forged a world where everything is sexual. Women fight this but others don't and because of those who don't, the sex way wins. Everyone who posts on this site (regardless of what they say), were drawn to this site for the same reason. So even if they say they support guys staring; deep down inside those women feel the same thing as everyone else. The guys were drawn to this site because they have either been scolded and were trying to see what others said, or cared enough for some sort of solution. 
I'm on here because its important that some woman out there who is deeply hurt over and over by someone she loves, will understand that she doesn't have to feel this way necessarily. I want that woman to understand what is happening with her man she loves, because most men do not articulate themselves well enough or care to analyze the situation enough as much as me to explain it to their women. 
My wife is perfectly fine now that I have explained it. It makes me happy to know she is not in pain anymore. I spend all my time with her and would not trade her for anyone because she is not an object to be traded, but my family. 
Most of your men feel the same way about you but have failed to articulate this the way that I have. So God bless keep your hands out of your pants and wear your sunglasses lol  
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 11:51 AM by Chris
To Kat, 
Why don't you stop! You make me sick. I couldn't even read all of what you said because I think your full of yourself. You're probably a paunchy old man that doesn't take care of himself and your wife doesn't care to look at you anyway. I'm really tired of getting replies in my email from this site and so I'll send this site to junk.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 12:58 PM by Jano
OOps - I meant Chris in the above post.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 1:01 PM by Jano
to Jano 
No, I don't fit that description at all. I'm 6'2, 5.1 percent body fat, 190lbs, run 5 miles a day with my lovely wife, swim 1 mile a day, do plyometric in the park with wife, spend 1 hour with resistance training, go to beach daily, eat healthy, danced and performed professionally, gymnastics, sky dive bungee jump, go shooting with wife, ride horses with wife, bowling with wife, we travel abroad..etc. 
I hug and kiss my wife each day I come home from work, massage her for twenty minutes every day, hold hands whenever walking and celebrate each moment together as we can. I don't desire other women and she is not threatened anymore by something she was willing to learn and understand. 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 4:16 PM by chris
I really don't care what you look like Chris. And I agree that women are competing against each other in the looks area and that is a sad state. I already alluded to that. It is frankly, disgusting, that this culture encourages woman to surgically alter their physical appearance to attract men. It's not natural and we are lead to believe that it is! I saw an ad by a cosmetic surgeon that a woman can make her breasts look more natural by having augmentation to them. What a contradiction! The ones she was born with are natural. Some women go as far as to have their little toes mutilated so they can fit into stilleto heels. Having said that, it does not mean we cannot change. Girls are taught to protect their sexual parts from boys at an early age. They are called sluts, whores and many other derogatory names if they indulge in sex as men do. It is not liberating for a woman to walk around in sexually suggestive clothing to attract men. They can do so without that. Humanity would not be here otherwise. I attended a conference on employment once where the speaker stated that women should dress professional in the business world so they are remembered for the business at hand, rather than how sexy they look. But we are getting off the subject here. If you are in a committed relationship whether a man or woman, you should not be rude to your partner by indulging in anything more than a glance at an attractive member of the opposite sex. You are not supposed to be trying to hook up with another person by trying to catch their attention. I don't totally accept the argument about testosterone either. My little female dog, humps her stuffed animal every night without fail. And little girls explore themselves just as boys do. Why? They are not yet molded by our society. We are culturally conditioned to hand over the steering wheel to men when it comes to sex. It takes some reconditioning to change some of our sexual responses. Researches have found out that there are more women that have cheated on their husbands than what they thought. The percentage was almost as high as men. It's because women have not been forthcoming about it previously. That came from the study by the way. I don't condone cheating, my point being that women have not been considered to be the sexual beings that men are. We are told men are more visual, yada, yada. I've been told I'm a visual learner. Again, I do appreciate a good-looking man that isn't totally up to neck in clothing. Which brings another point, women are cultured to be more civilized than men, and we try not to be rude to our partners by taking our attention away from them to stare at another man. Men can learn to do the same if they would just quit using the excuse that it is because they are men. I'm done with this dialog. It can be argued over and over again.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 7:02 PM by Jano
Sorry for the description, I only responded to your remark that I'm "old and don't take care of myself" 
Well, I am not bothered by my wife looking at attractive men. It doesn't bother me because I don't feel threatened. 
You feel bothered; I don't. I can't see how your way is the solution to this issue since you are bothered by something that I am not. 
There are men with more money than I; better looking than I; bigger penises than I have and I don't need to shield my wife's eyes from them. I do not suffer when she sees them. 
Believe in testosterone or not, but men and women are the same with the exception of these kind of chemical hormones 
I already said men should be discreet and if they cannot be disciplined to wear sunglasses out of respect. More than this is silly. If your guy complains about you looking than he should also stare at the floor when you walk together. If he doesn't than you are the one who needs to relax. 
Yes the world's sexual demand on women carries unhealthy burdens. Yes, women are also sexually attracted to men and the media understates this. Yes, men do not show case themselves to the same degree that women do yet but when they do you will be able to walk in men shoes and for once than you will be better suited to judge them. because like you said… 
"I'll get mad at my husband for turning his head to look and then I try to do the same with good-looking young men that cross my path. Problem is that there aren't as many of them and they don't dress sexy." 
You can't brag about your ability of discipline and except equal discipline when the conditions are not equal. 
I'm not here to tell people what they are allowed to look at or not. I'm not here to tell men it's impolite to view any public exhibitionist because their partner is threatened by it. I am here to explain to women that their men still love them despite the fact that they may notice a woman who solicits attention. 
And if you truly are upset with this, than make sure that the next person you decide to be in a relationship with, knows that they can no longer look at other attractive people who pass by; before you hook up with them. 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 7:59 PM by Chris
Excuse me. I'm not out of my relationship and I don't feel threatened when an attractive female is around. I'm not foolish enough to believe that just because he looks at a woman he is going to be able to bed her. I've been married many more years than you, to the same man. BTW, it wasn't a problem when we first married and for many years after. I want respect. I would expect anyone who is speaking to me to keep their attention on me, not get distracted and look at someone else and when that person is gone continue where he left off. It's not like a bomb went off. Oh, that's right you see fireworks when you look at a hot woman. Sounds like the description of an orgasim. You still don't get it and never will. You're too smug with yourself. I'm done with this conversation.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 8:39 PM by Jano
Hi everyone 
Need some advice.  
I have been with my bf for almost two years. We are extremely sexual and use other woman in our sex. I have days where I want to hear about a hot girl he saw. I feel I do better hearing about them when not with him. And other times when I am I can say wow she's hot or it just doesn't bother me. But on Monday we were out and a nice looking lady was shopping and we were shopping up and down isles and so was this lady. I know he thought she was good looking and I agree she was. Fine. But later on we were walking to a different spit and just before we did he turned back to take one more look at her right I front of me. Now I'm ok with him looking but to go out of your way with me walking right beside him and look back am I fair to say that was disrespectful? It hurt me and I expressed that to him and he got offended and very upset with me. He said u r the one who wants stories for the bedroom and I was trying to do that and now u r upset with me. I said to him I didn't mind the looking in the isles but I felt disrespected when u made it obvious to turn back for one more look with me beside u. He said I'm giving him mixed signals but I just don't know. I think we can use other woman in the bedroom but I also believe we can so this in a respectful manor when together. Plz help me on this. Looking for your opinion.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 26, 2013 10:50 PM by Bobbi
Bobbi,I am tring to understand how it would bother you that your bf would turn around to look at a lady when you use other woman in bed with you and your bf? Why do you want to hear about a hot girl that he saw? Does it turn you on that he seen a hot girl and may want to have sex with you because he seen someone hot? What do you mean that you want to hear stories for the bed room?
Posted @ Wednesday, March 27, 2013 12:05 AM by Patti
Chris I have news for you.You don't have a clue what you are talking about.You don't understand a womans point of view because you are not a women.Good thing you are not a women because you would be the first person to complain on this site.Chris do us all a favor and please quit acting like you know everything because you don't.I think everyone on this site would agree with me that we are all sick of your Blah-Blah-Blah! There is so much you don't know when a man you love looks right past you to stare at someone they don't know while talking to you it gets old fast.My husband makes it so obvious that it is an embarrassment to me and my family. My sister even told me she saw him staring at a girl at a family gathering. I did not see him do this because I try to avoid at all costs to not see who he thinks is pleasing to his sight.Chris I guess I can never look at my husband because I would be wrong to feel hurt when he thinks someone else is pleasing in his sight.I don't even care who he stares at anymore I have lost total respect for my husband and trust.Now I am having the fun and he knows it.What do you know my husband now is showing interest in me and only me when we go out. for the last two times we went out he is not putting the attention on someone else. Maybe my husband should of done this a long time ago because he knows i don't give a crap anymore about this staring stuff.My husband does not own my vision so now I watch HOT GUYS when he is at work.Because my husband owns his vision he can't own mine.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 27, 2013 2:10 AM by Patti
Look Jano, Patti 
I'm pretty sure we are in agreement with each other on a few things, but are going around in circles with this one. 
I sincerely apologize if I have offended you in any way because I am sure; our discourse carried juvenile undertones on my part. 
1. We both think it is rude to divide your attention when engaged with present company. It is not gentlemanly to display sexual interest in public view or sexual interest directed outside of the relationship. I am not arguing for men's right to disrupt conversation in order to indulge in a visual feast. 
2. We both think there are more women who dress provocatively and to a greater sensual degree than men in public (board shorts vs bikinis leggings vs baggy jeans). 
3. We both believe that society instills sexual oppression for women and sexual encouragement for men at a very young age. 
4. We both agree that both men and women are sexually oriented; though it seems women refrain from succumbing to temptation more. 
Ok are you with me so far? well now, If for arguments sake we say…. 
1. Higher testosterone and all the androgen hormonal components that make a man, male vs female and women who lower sex drive levels by using birth control play no factor… 
If for arguments sake we say…. 
2. Man's physiological design enabling him to reproduce with thousands of women as oppose to a women's limited ability (planting vs cultivating) plays no factor… 
Than we still have to acknowledge men's visual abstinence record has not had a fair and equal trial as women… 
1. since we have already admitted society instills encouragement for lack of sexual restraint. James bond/buck rogers/ Clint east wood/john Wayne/tom cruise/Arnold / johnny dep/ Indiana jones/ han solo/ Hugh hefner / the fonz/benny hill etc….. all the good guys, funny guys/ heroes promote this disregard of chaste virtue or restraint for sexual expression.  
And secondly we acknowledge. 
2. The clothing chosen by women to be worn in public (despite men's known attraction to this) are clothing accentuating private parts; far being removed from the days where men could easily be gentlemanly because women dressed as ladies. 
So I guess my point being is if the gender foot race between men and women were to be compared on who is perverted and blah blah…men were already shot in the foot by society in the beginning of the race where as women were given a head start. 
And next men have to jump a 10 foot hurdle while women get a one foot hurdle in the provocative dress department. 
So at the end of the race women are going to brag about winning the race and having self-restraint then vilify men on a MEN'S counseling site where they seek help to STOP looking? 
Look I'm not claiming to be an expert but I just wanted to share understanding on something that helped my wife and I.  
I have already received compliments, from other women on this site for my perspectives shared.  
My wife and I agree that if a man has a problem with his wife looking at other men, than he has no entitlement to look at other women period. 
My wife and I understand each other and she often tells me I am free to do visual vice so long as I don't embarrass her by making a public speckle, because she understands the race is not fair for all the above reasons 
1. Higher testosterone 
2. Physiological sexual design 
3. Societies influence from youth 
4. Higher degree of visual solicitation 
5. Men don't take birth control which reduces hormonal libido. 
Now as for Guys… 
Guys should control themselves because it really is possible; it’s a myth to believe guys can't stop themselves, and when all is said and done at the end of the day, nothing was profitable by looking but women should understand to some degree when men falter from time to time because women are not equally tested to afford themselves boasting and judgment rights. 
A man's eye's are his own free right to do with them as is legal. If he wants to look like a gawking fool than thats between him and God and the eyebaiting self proclaimed victim. 
Women should take testosterone libido hormone therapy boosters, then go to a chip n dale show and stage themselves in the front row with their man every day for a month, all day and see if they still maintain constant eye contact and conversation without folly; then if they pass the test they can try the same for a life time after that. Then they would be suitable to pass judgement. 
But with that being said  
Recently I told my wife I didn't want her taking birth control pills due to the health risks; so we are investigating the rhythm method. So the past month we have not been intimate; I took this opportunity to soul cleanse and get close to Christ. So I stopped watching all tv, no babe surfing the web, and no masturbation. I just go to work, gym with the wife at odd hours (no hot chicks) and home. To my amazement I am cured of the wandering eye!!!! 
By turning off the sex machine completely, I no longer fed the brain addiction; nor spiked testosterone with masturbation. 
This amazingly has made me feel peaceful and I am as depraved as they come.  
So in essence I discovered that I created a female version of the world for myself. No magazines, billboards, no porn, girly pictures, radio sex talk, no girly internet and no constant scantily clad women walking by. I feel no urge to look at women now at all, no temptation. So Lee Andrew is right you can overcome this fixation. 
With me I had to blow the fire out completely as oppose to moderate it; where it can easily take over and get out of control with all the various stimuli in public and private. 
My next test will be to see if I can maintain it once my wife and I start up again and we go out into the eye baiting world again in summer time. 
Posted @ Wednesday, March 27, 2013 3:43 PM by Chris weir
Sorry, I meant KURT SMITH is right, not Andrew lee. Men can stop their visual vice with some sacrifices
Posted @ Wednesday, March 27, 2013 4:51 PM by chris weir
What catches our attention visually or otherwise differs with each of us and is individual. One person cannot and should not, in my opinion, try to control that. I believe that many women are in a miserable state, because they are trying to control what their men are looking at. Their men look at other women, and they take it as a personal failure...a personal affront. Why do they do this? It is my opinion that they do this, because of the fairytale notions they have been raised with. Women have been taught to value themselves according to men...according to how much they can "attract" a man and "keep" his attention. 
I think this is one thing that really restricts a woman's life. She learns to have one eye trained on men....to see if they approve of her...to see if she is "attractive"...etc...etc...etc.. 
Women adorn themselves....and it is their right to do that. Men are attracted to this adornment...There is nothing wrong in any of it. It's just good fun. Where the problem comes in is when people feel threatened by their partner responding to the world around them which includes other people. 
It does not have to be taken as a commentary...a personal commentary on a woman's worth that her man looks at other women. But it is taken that way, because women have valued themselves according to finding a man that "only has eyes for her"....stuff straight from the fairtales. 
The saddest thing is that women haven't developed their own vision, because they are so busy looking at what their partner is looking at. They are so busy monitoring their partner and viewing other beautiful women as threats...that they are missing the visual beauty of life.  
When women can begin to enjoy the visual beauty around them like men have always done then I think they are going to have a lot more fun. So, ladies, instead of looking at your man to see what he's looking at....begin to just look through your own eyes and begin to enjoy the view....That's my 2 cents....There is so much beauty to be seen.....Pretty soon, you'll be so busy seeing beauty, you won't even care what your man is looking at....
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 12:07 PM by Kat
Also....I look forward to the day when men don't behave in such shady, sneaky ways....If you want to look....just look. This notion of "wearing sunglasses" to hid your viewing is just plain silly...First of all, do you really think you're fooling anyone...? and secondly, why don't you just have the courage to be authentic and real and claim your right to see the world without doing it in a "shady" way with sunglasses...silly. 
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 12:16 PM by Kat
Gee, it seems it needs to be said again and again. This post is NOT about a man "looking". Men look, women look, everybody looks...but this is about men gaulking at women. Men who are obsessed with looking at women. There ARE men out there who can live in this world without acting like a dog in heat. Just look, or don't, and get it over with. Anything further, you've got a problem and should either get help, or not subject your woman to the disrespect. What the heck?
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 1:11 PM by Kris
What strikes me is the statement made in the original article that men experience a chemical hit everytime they view a sexually attractive person. That chemical hit feels good. It seems that is totally natural....absolutely nothing wrong with it. Why should men or women be shamed by this? Why should men feel ashamed of their natural response? Why should women feel ashamed and demeaned by this? I really don't think it's necessary for anyone to feel shamed by a natural God-given response.  
I hear you, Kris, on the gawking...There was a man hanging out his truck window staring at me and leering the other day while I sat in traffic. I drive a little car. It was very, very uncomfortable. It was disgusting to have to deal with this...what a creep...I had to keep positioning my vehicle in traffic to make sure I didn't end up next to him. I've been dealing with this my whole life...So, I really, really hear you. The gawking is disgusting. We used to say "take a picture, it will last longer" but now, that is just what these men do...It's the desire to capture and own that lust drives men to...to capture, own, catalogue for future use etc...that is so disgusting. Unfortunately there is nothing to be done short of calling these men out on it when they do it...If my man was gawking at a woman, I would walk up to her and apologize that she should have to deal with such rude behavior....
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 1:52 PM by Kat
women want to be stared at; only the ugly ones complain because no one wants to stare at them. 
Men like to stare at the ones who want to be stared at. 
So the ugly ones need to chill out because guys have the right to see what ever they want to see. If a man looked at a strong man walking by no one would complain. why? because the man is admiring his body and the women knows he's not gay. If a man looks at a woman with a nice body, she freaks out because she is uncertain about his thoughts and motives behind the look. 
This is doubt also called insecurity. 
So the next time you see your man looking and you feel bad, hop on a tredmill and convince yourself its just because a nice body is a sight to behold
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 2:28 PM by Jim
I agree with you, Jim, a nice body is beautiful to behold and there's absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying this beauty...period. There is a time period after which the look becomes very uncomfortable like the guy hanging out his window, literally. It becomes uncomfortable when a person is staring for a long time. I still maintain that it is faulty thinking that leads women to feel insecure about all of this. It is time to give up this silly notion of expecting a man to "only have eyes for one woman" I really think this is just a crazy notion in the first place, and I believe it hinders women terribly from having way more fun with the whole "looking" thing...I want to see women having way more fun, loving their bodies and being more taken by what they are seeing rather than what their man is seeing.....
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 3:45 PM by Kat
I think its funny how some guys let their women tell them where they are allowed to look. 
Imagine if your man said "Don't look at animals, I feel sad and angry when you look at animals because, I don't like them. If you look at them you are betraying me since you know how I feel about it" 
You would tell that crack pipe man of yours to seek help or get lost; that's his issue not yours. 
Only weak men put up with weak women. So if a woman is walking on the left side of the street, the man has to make an attempt to overtly turn his head away out of fear you women will start crying because you saw her for too long? Whatever she thinks "long" means 
Just buy your weak men, some eye blinders like they do for horses.  
Guys who put up with that, deserve the women who get upset. Good grief. 
If a guy is staring at you make him know that you see him if it's as horrible as you say. Don't just pretend not to notice. Give him a scowl the second time, and shout out wtf? so everyone can hear. 
But if everyone is staring at you its most likely you draw too much attention to yourself. At you are free game to be looked at or photographed when you are in public. Its legal since you are in public domain.  
Most Women like attention; they just want it from the good looking young guys. Fat, old, ugly people are always offensive to both men and women because that's the world we live in. 
So Guys quit letting women treat you like some sort of tool. Look as long as you like so long as the lady doesn't know. From what I recall that’s just people watching. They don't like it, let them find a new wimp to boss around with that petty crap, or have them suck it up. 
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 6:31 PM by Jim Ficher
What the hell is wrong with all you men! Really! I mean Seriously! If you guys really want to stay in a relationship with the person you married or your girlfriend... then...respect her...show her you really love her...make her feel like she is your everything to you in your whole world! Make her feel like she is it...the one...the...only...forever ...in ...your...HEART...! If you guys can't do this then your in deep shit with your wife or gf! Your wife or gf will not want you anymore if you guys think it's more important to hurt the one you LOVE and think it's ok to stare at some other women right in front of your WIFE OR GIRlFRIEND! The best part is if your wife or Gf tell you guys it bothers them...and you guys continue on with this behavior you are not showing respect and love toward her...you are showing you don't want her anymore period!!!! If you guys don't want us anymore then just tell us so we don't waste...means( being of no further use) our time when we can find someone that truly loves us for who we really are!!!!!
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 11:44 AM by Patti
All you guys need to see what Mel posted on Dec 2nd. Mel thank you for seeing what is right and I think your the only guy that gets it. Thank you to Kat and Chris for alot of your insight.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 12:04 PM by Patti
1. Glancing= 1 second or less. noticing they exist so you don't walk into them  
2. looking= 2 seconds 
3. staring= 3 or more seconds 
4. Flirting= eyes meeting and smirking 
5. Leering= staring with indication of sexual, lust. looking up and down with lust. 
6. Gawking= staring or leering with head following,obviously gaping like a celebrity walked by. 
Ok I think this is really what the problem is. we all have different  
Ideas of what looking is. 
So Patti which is acceptable as far as you are concerned? 
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 1:21 PM by Chris
Chris' I have been dealing with my husband staring for almost 8 years now...so I learned alot about this behavior. Now I am not saying I don't look at other guys when we are out. I just look at everyone in the same manner.I do notice that sometimes I may glance a little bit longer at some really hot guy but I don't make it so obvious that I would make my husband feel uncomfortable.I guess I am getting off the question here so Chris I would have to say anything above #3 would be ok with me but staring is where I would have to say is not acceptable.Anything lower than #3 NO WAY!
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 4:04 PM by Patti
Ok, Patti, 
Now I understand exactly what you are coming from. At first I thought you were upset at #2 looking and even #1 glancing. I would say most women would agree with you, even a lot of guys would somewhat. I guess its the idea of saying no you can't do this or that, which becomes the war zone.  
Patti I know this might sound dumb since you have been dealing with your man in the 3 and lower zone for 8 years but since this is a help sight and being a man,I might be able to suggest an angle if your man is still willing to discuss this issue.  
Your man might be blowing you off thinking that you feel absolutly nothing is ok. tell him he can look but staring, leering and gawking is what you are bothered by.  
and if he continues , you always have your, trump card of staring back. that seemed to work for you the last time. 
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 6:13 PM by chris
As much as I'd hate too; I guess I agree with Chris. Not with not having no sex or living like a hermit but I look at girls and sometimes stare like number 3 on your peep chart. lol 
I don't go out of my way to make my lady feel like a tool by doing number 4 or 5 ,but I will be damned if you're going to tell ME that.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 6:48 PM by jim ficher
Jim, you give me one last comment on this subject, then I'm done with this site. You are either not getting it, or just trying to be a pig. I am a beautiful woman who has a beautiful body. Not just my opinion, men look at me all the time. I used to model for a living. I do not condone these men gaulking at me when with their gf. Or, (when I was single) have them flirting with me and find they have a gf at home. Most important, whatever I (she) look(s) like, has nothing to do with this topic. A man who isn't happy with who he is with, needs to go find someone else. In fact, there are men who like over weight or not so attractive women. It's called "Love". And, they do not gaulk at other women. Also, this is not about "telling" him what to look at. Everyone can look at whatever the hell they want, but respect is honorable, and if there is an underlying mental problem with the man (or woman) it needs to be known. After being with my bf almost a year, I have found out that he does this with every women he dates, but that doesnt mean I have to accept it. Nor, am I telling him what to do, just asking him to be respectful, or move on to the next victim. Like I said before, most men don't behave this way. They just look, get it overwith, and go back to what they were doing. Like most men AND women do.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 10:56 PM by Kris
I agree with Patti about Mel getting it right on with what he 
posted Dec 2nd. Guys just dont understand or dont care how it hurts there wife or GF to have this looking problem. I no every relationship is differant, but come on everyone knows what and why and what problem and how serious it is with this issue. My opinion is if your husband keeps it up after you tell him how it hurts you than get out and hopefully you will find a man like Mel..it will be hard though, because most men are not that way..and if you get a insecure man he will do it just to lower your self asteem of yourself if he feels lower than you..to all you woman out there with this kind of guy in your life..Good luck..cause i dont believe if they have a big problem with this looking it will not change. It will get worse as a man gets older..change of life thing..than it will be looking at all the young girls..why waste time on perverts..look for a real man or buy a dog..lol..
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 7:07 AM by Bp
whoa, back it up miss I used to be a model. If you think looking at someone for two freaking seconds like chris peep o meter, is destroying a woman, than that sounds like a problem with the woman. If I am a pig because I dont want some broad controlling me with manipulation cuz she cant deal with the fact that other women are on this planet and they are pleasant to notice, than oink oink. 
rather be a pig than a puss. 2 seconds is disrespectful? I think you women should wear the blinders since you have problems with not being able to not fix yourself to whatever your man is looking at. 
I already said I dont do #4 or #5 or #6 and btw im pretty sure mel is a chick.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 10:45 AM by Jim Ficher
Jim, Just wondering were you dropped on your head when you were a child? Maybe you can feel your head not your (PENIS) and find a dent in it.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 11:21 AM by Patti
So glad to know this issue is bigger than my husband or me. 
By chance my husband and I were out a few weeks ago, and I walked into a store that he entered before me, and he didn't see me walk in.......and he was so transfixed on the girls ass in front of him that he walked right into me, and it was not my imagination. So, I ask myself, so what? 
It was funny initially, and then I felt a little hurt right in my heart. So looking doesn't hurt? Really, it hurt me. 
The lie afterwards when he said he wasn't looking hurt more. So, if he will lie about an instintual natural tendancey to look, that he cannot control (supposedly), what else would he lie about? It is an honest question. 
Back to the looking part, the hurt was not the act of looking itself.  
It was the realization that no matter how much my husband loves me, and I him, I will never 100% satisfy him. Visual stimulation is a form of being satisfied. 
Confident or not, being unrealistic or not, it hurts. 
So, with this realization, I no longer feel totally satisfied either.  
Hopefully, I am confident enough to not make more of this than it should be, and I can still give all of my heart without the fear of losing him due to his own insecurities. 
He obviously doesn't trust me enough to be honest with me about his behavior, so I wonder what I have done to make him feel this way, and what I can do to change how he feels. 
Nothing is ever black and white is it?
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 6:22 PM by Bebe
So sorry you had to see your husband do this in front of you. Well I know you feel bad and it's understandable but it only happened one time right? Try not to read to much in to this if he only did this once.If he only did this once and lied it's because he did not want to hurt you..even that being said he's trying to tell you it ment nothing...she ment nothing. I understand that he should of told you the truth and it hurts more when they tell you a lie. If it bothers you that he lied to you then talk about it to him. Try to stay calm in talking about what you saw to your husband and he will be honest with you.As for your husband being 100% satisfied with you ...I think he is satisfied with you. I think once you two talk and bring up stuff that really bothers you ..you mite be surprised at what wonderful things he would say about you. He mite even say things to you that he never told you before..good things. I hope I helped you Bebe. My heart goes out to you.
Posted @ Thursday, April 04, 2013 12:56 PM by Patti
Thank you for the comments, and while it was the first time I witnessed him looking like a tiger fixing to attack a sheep with a broken leg, it wasn't the first time I have noticed the looks at other women. I just chose to chalk these looks up to human tendencies in the past. 
Truthfully, slight looks at passing people if they are attractive or not seems human to me, even the occasional double look because a particular feature of another woman/person stands out is somewhat understandable. I have a healthy respect for the beauty in other people, and I certainly know many look a lot more beautiful than I do. 
Unfortunately, this look was different, and during a moment he didn't think I was around. Which in my opinion makes me question his ethics to some degree.(strong statement, but that is in the back of my mind)  
We did discuss the issue again last night, and while he still denied it, he did say he would try to be more aware of his actions. I appreciated the response.  
As of today, I still trust my husband. Unfortunately, the consequences of his actions caused me to question the foundation of our relationship (which is trust), and no one enjoys this sort of situation. It is what it is...  
I am not going to sneak around corners trying to catch him, or believe this issue is about me. If there is an issue, it is his issue, and I'll try to help him through it if I can, but I will not sacrifice my own dignity or self esteem in the process. I give my all to my family, and I attempt to do what is right each day, and with this I am resolved to appreciate who I am.  
He is a remarkable man, and maybe he is more of a "man" than I hoped for, or maybe I am not as strong as I believed, either way life moves on. 
This hurt will go away easily as long as no underlying issues arise that I have been blind to. Maybe it gives us a little more character.  
Lesson Learned for me in this situation: love in a marriage is truly conditional, and where there is a deep love, there is sure to be a little pain along the way.  
Patti, the ability to vent and get unbiased feedback did help, and for this I'd like to say thank you very much! 
Posted @ Thursday, April 04, 2013 2:15 PM by Bebe
1. ultimately, Guys are going to stare at women until they acknowledge that their looking has gotten out of hand and they have a problem. 
2. Guys can stop themselves. I have learned first hand that even with testosterone, a guy can reduce his addiction if he stops feeding it. 
3. If your man wants to stop he needs to stop masturbating/stop porn/babe internet surfing/ movies with sexy girls/ girls in magazines/ and going places with eye bait. after a month or two of doing this he will easily be able to control himself. 
Like any addiction a person need to go to rehab. well by cutting off all these things you are self inducing rehab. Other wise your man will never stop because the male culrturally sex charged impulse is too strong.
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 3:17 PM by chris
Bebe what u need is to calm down. Quit worrying about what your man is looking at. Live your own lives without creating something out of nothing. Is you crying going to make him stop? no. Is your nagging going to make him stop? no. The only thing that is going to fix this problem is not looking at his eyes and creating the worst from it. Yes your man thinks other women are sexy. Yes, he enjoys things that are sexy, most men do. what is the big deal? shave down stairs, lose the grand ma panties, get a thigh master, skip a couple of meals and maybe,just maybe your man may notice this new fine woman passing by instead of these other girls.
Posted @ Sunday, April 07, 2013 2:48 PM by Jim ficher
Truly there is nothing you can do to change or effect what your man wants to look at. The only thing you can change is what you look at. Looking at him looking at other women is painful for you. I hear that. It is not your job to keep his attention.  
Don't waste your time trying to get his attention. Instead begin to look at the things that bring you joy. It makes me feel so sad when I hear women in so much pain, because they are looking to partners who are looking at others. Look away from him. Walk away from him if he's busy with others. Just claim your own beautiful life. It is so sad that women have been indoctrinated to always have one eye trained on their men. Let him have his visual feast...and let yourself have a visual feast and call it a day.... 
If he cannot provide you with enough to respond to sexually, because he's not available to you....leave him and find a man who does want to be in your orbit. It's not your job to try to keep him interested in you...it's the other way around. It sounds like he's moving out of your sphere...let him go if he's not completely captured by your charms..just as you are. There is a man who will be. Don't waste your time on the others.
Posted @ Sunday, April 07, 2013 7:04 PM by Kat
I think you need to listen to what Bebe thinks and don't listen to other people on this site that are trying to put stuff in your head that is not true. If what your husband is doing bothers you then you have a right to say so to him. There is nothing wrong with saying something to your husband when you feel your not happy with how your relationship is going. There is some people on this site that have a dent in their head and say stupid things because they have nothing better to do. So that being said I am putting my energy on praying that the women leave the men that think it's ok to hurt the women in their lives and be disrespectful by thinking it's ok to STARE at some woman right in front of them. Bebe try to stay focused on your feelings because your feelings are real and your husband needs to be aware of them. I hope this helps you Bebe.
Posted @ Monday, April 08, 2013 1:02 PM by Patti
" So that being said I am putting my energy on praying that the women leave the men that think it's ok to hurt the women in their lives and be disrespectful by thinking it's ok to STARE at some woman right in front of them. " 
Hear, hear......It is not a woman's job to "attract" a man....It is a man's job to stand out among the crowd. It's his job to attend so carefully to you that the sparks fly. If a man is not attending to you, don't waste time....move on. The right man for you will be attending, captured by your charms and so focused that the heat can be felt miles away....Anything less is no kind of fun. 
The saddest thing is to see a woman withering away in a relationship with a man who is not attending to her and deeply tuned into her. The right man will cherish you deeply and will let you know in no uncertain terms that he is taken by your beauty and charms. Don't settle for less than the best.
Posted @ Monday, April 08, 2013 6:34 PM by Kat
I take back everything I said. Its not normal to notice attractive women and feel the impulse to marvel at their attractive features; bebe your man is a simple pervert. How dare he notice a pretty butt not attached to your body. Stab his eye balls out and tar and feather that child molester woman hater. 
He wants to have sex with the next woman he looks at and will unless you are there to stop him with your crying and nagging. You need to divorce him the next time he looks at a woman because he deserves it. 
Than go and find that half woman half man soul mate. There really is a man out there who wears blue tights, has long flowy hair, likes to bake, watch the twilight and the note book over and over, plays with babies all day and wants to whorship you like a God all day and night as though no other soul lives on this world. 
cut off his balls
Posted @ Monday, April 08, 2013 8:00 PM by Jim Ficher
LOL....Whoa Jim back it up there big guy, taking your own advice...you need to "calm down"...but really this is pretty funny....I don't think I'll ever get this image out of my mind. Thanks for making me laugh this evening...
Posted @ Monday, April 08, 2013 8:29 PM by Kat
Let's see, I wonder what the opposite advice to this would be....Hey girls celebrate everytime your man gets turned on by a butt not attached to your body...find another more beautiful butt attached to a another gorgeous man's body...a butt for a butt. Make sure your man knows you want to have sex with that gorgeous guy, serve it up hot and steamy. Make sure your guy knows about it. It's a general free for all....Ladies, we have a lot to learn from our men.....have fun.
Posted @ Monday, April 08, 2013 8:41 PM by Kat
I think you are all making mountain out of a mole hill. I could give a crap who my wife looks at and why. 
I wouldn't even know if she was doing it because I'm not concentrated on finding vision violations. 
If a guy had big biceps I would (and do) stare until I felt I was noticed or I felt I saw it enough to the point I was no longer fascinated by it. 
Biceps or butts, makes no difference to me; if it's out there in public to be seen I'm seeing it. 
The other day I was at the gym. Saw this girl who wore what looked like to me to be volley ball shorts. The hem stopped at the bottom of the butt cheeks; no thigh cover. She wore a shirt at first but then removed it to show a sports bra. Her body was as good as it gets; she knew it, I knew it but she wanted to make sure everyone knew it, so started doing all kinds of weird travelling lunges in-between all the treadmills and all up and down the aisles in between the TV screens and the other members exercising at their stations. 
Her body was beautiful and was a pleasure to admire it for what it was. Trim waist line, traces of pelvic definition where hips and muscle merge, skin tone etc. 
Now did I want to have sex with the girl? Honestly "No" the thought of sex never crossed my mind.  
For the most part I was just impressed with the almost naked girl's pretty body. Had it been a guy whose body was equally impressive, or a man in the shower of sizable note; staring is just normal to anything that stands out. 
Now yes it is rude to stare because it makes people who are stared at uncomfortable, but it's also rude to dress" indecent" and our society is fashionable indecent.  
If you ladies don't stand out, big deal. Your man loves you, like he loves his mother but lets be real, even that hot lady would lose my attention if I saw her every day. just like the guy in the shower with a 3 foot penis. 
Kat is probably right, don't worry about men's visual fixation. It is not the measure of your value to your man. 
Posted @ Tuesday, April 09, 2013 11:37 AM by Chris
Ok, I admit I love when guys look at me. Ever since I was a small girl I have liked the attention. I am 5'9; 34d 25' 40' 130lbs and have curves in all the right places. I put a lot of time into my body and I love it if I make another womans hubby turn away to see me. Would I want another woman to turn my boy friends head away? of course not, but thats not my problem. I work out all the time. so everybody quit complaining I'm 20 and life is too short to hide everything until its all gone when I'm old and in my 30's.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 09, 2013 6:04 PM by Tina
Tina....I'm glad you are having fun and more power to you. I'm glad you aren't covering up your beauty out of fear or shame as many women do. Many people will love your beauty, and that is a beautiful thing, in my opinion. I'm kind of a crazy renegade in some ways....If 30 is old...I'm very old...LOL...but I think what needs to give is all the restrictions around "marriage" and committed relationships that restrict so much in the appreciation of beauty. I do think we all need to have way more fun.....
Posted @ Tuesday, April 09, 2013 10:08 PM by Kat
Guys really should stop looking at other women. It hurts the women we love because our culture leads women to believe appearance is important, but its really not.  
Men, we do have natural impulses but nothing too great we can't manage with discipline. Practice makes perfect.  
Chris its true men have more to contend with visually than women because of social conditioning and fashion trends being what they are but ultimately Loving Christ is what is most important. Life here is short. Give your wife the love and respect she needs and in return she will reward you with a connection a man can never have with a wife who is hurting from within.
Posted @ Sunday, May 26, 2013 9:32 PM by Nathan
My boyfriend of two years likes looking at other women. I ache inside because Im 55 and can no longer complete with half naked women. Facebook is terrible and they dont respect our opiniion as long as they are making money. I know he looks at other women on facebook (I not dumb). My friend is not one to confront at all. I want this to end because Im sad alot and like the other comment above, I hate to leave the house for the fear of half naked women everywhere. I love this man very much, just need advice
Posted @ Tuesday, May 28, 2013 2:30 PM by Candy
Well said Nathan, well said. As to you Candy, run! As far and as fast as you can. A relationship doesn't have to be this way. I observe there are plenty of men that do not have to "over" look. Don't worry about the 1/2 naked women, concentrate on regaining your confidence that evidently he has taken away from you. If not, you will be worthless to the next "worthy" guy.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 28, 2013 3:43 PM by Kris
I made one stipulation in my (defunct as of today)relationship: Look all you want when you're by yourself, but when you're with me, please demonstrate that you care by NOT OGLING OTHER WOMEN BECAUSE IT BUGS THE LIVING SH*T OUT OF ME. A reasonable request, stated in clear, ringing tones, but beyond his capabilities, apparently. This broke us up 3 times last year, twice over the same person. I can officially tick the 'Fool For Love' box on life's checklist.  
Frankly, there are things men simply do - just embrace them - and bright red flags which indicate that you're being treated like a complete ****.  
One last thing before I succumb completely to gin, if you think you're being treated poorly - you probably are.  
Posted @ Friday, May 31, 2013 12:52 PM by Siona
to Nathan 
I agree with you big time.  
I have been getting a lot of comments on my email from grateful women who feel better with the understanding that I have shared. Its good to know that men are not looking at women for the reasons most women believe. why? because most women believe the worst. the women complaining here deserve to complain because it hurts being a women conditioned to believe appearance is important. but they dont have to hurt. If their men will not stop looking, then its important to learn how to make the looking not hurt by understanding what the looking honestly means to the mans mind. 
you are not competeing with those other women. you are competeing with the love your man has for himself. He loves you but loves himself more. love is sacrifice. its putting down something one likes to do for themselves for the benifit of others and he is not doing that for you with this issue. 
He simply believes that your desire to have him stop looking at other women is not a big deal because  
1. he doesnt realize it hurts you as much as it does 
2. he knows he has no intention of running off with them so he feels your attention to the matter is unwarrented 
3. he doesnt like to be told what to do 
4. he doesnt believe you understand what it is like to be in a male body and dealing with the eye baiting he has to constantly ignore 
5. he has an addiction he simply feels he cant break. 
women will always dress naked and sell out their fellow sisters and the cause, like that tina girl. 
Women need to know that their men are not with them for their appearance. they never were and if they ever were, its safe to say they no longer are together because they appeal of looks die in a realtionship once the female object turns into a person to the man. The fantasy novelty dies in the mans sight and he loses interest in the woman. If he stays with you, its because he developed love for you and you because a family memeber to him. 
I am not rich and I feel no threat when or if my woman looks at other guys, nor do I check if she does, because I am secure with my value to her as a person. 
women dont have this security because men deprive them of it. men alway go on and on about appearance and so women can only assume their value is measured by it. this is the monster men created. 
Ladies do yourself a favor and stop believeing you are attractive. It does not serve you in anyway. stop believing this is why your man is with you. This sounds harsh only because our culture tells us its important, but really think about it. is it? 
your appearance is not something you take credit for. its mainly genetic. you man work out but that only goes so far. all the make up you wear is not really you. just tell yourself that you are not attractive an no one really is in this world. its all a sickness in this world that we pretend someone is better than another by something that is worthless. 
rather tell yourself that you are a loving person. tell yourself you are smart, helpful, funny and ask your husband why he is with you and why he loves you. hopefully he will not tell you empty garbage like you are the most beautiful person in the sky. 
make him give you substance. you need this security, it will make you feel better because an olympic swimmer doesnt feel bad for losing a foot race...she doesnt even enter the competition to begin with. 
someday your man will grow up and realize that the women he thinks are beautiful are not worth looking at because they are all smoke and mirrors, face paint, lighting angles, fotoshop, and padded underwear. 
and someday he will start to love you more than himself in everyway because loving others is how you love Jesus. 
Posted @ Tuesday, June 11, 2013 11:52 AM by chris
Hello, I've been reading this site and so glad to have found it. I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone in this. I would like to tell my story and I ask for any guidance and suggestions.  
I have been dating this man for a year and a half and have been dealing with this the whole time. I finally got the nerve up to speak to him after we had walked into a building and this young girl walked in and I turn around to say something to him and his head is bent backwards and looking over the aisle to check her out. I was at first shocked and didn't know what to think. I got very quiet for a few hours and separated myself from him emotionally so I could process this. We went out that night and I just couldn't keep it in any longer. He didn't deny it but he had nothing to say either. As the months have gone by, I've developed different feelings for him and my trust level is very low. I don't think he's done anything with anybody but I don't trust him. He is always on this eye candy prowl. I have tried talking to him and it might go well for a few days or just 24 hours then we go out and it starts all over again. I've cried to him and have explained what I'm feeling in my heart and he says that he's sorry and that it won't happen again. But it does. Over and over again. I also am not wanting to go places with him in public. I feel that every time I walk out the door I have to take a deep breath and prepare myself for his actions. How can a person really believe a man that will say that he loves you and that I'm the only important person in his life? How can I really believe that he loves only me? How can I believe that he won't ever take it a step farther? He has checked out girls from the age of 15 on up to 50. He has no age limit. He won't only look once, but he will continue to look until he has checked out all of her girly parts. When we walk into a store and girls are in front of us, he will slow his pace to only take a step behind me so he can check them out. then he tries to turn it into something like, oh look at this. We women have become accustom to these games. We just recently had a conversation about this and we were in the car driving and had to turn down this back road to go home. There was a young girl up in the distance and he locked in on her. He kept talking but not once took his eyes off of her. I started to drive slower and watched him, but I kept talking to him as well. He never looked at me when we were talking because he was locked in on this girl. The closer we got the more he watched. As we turned the corner, his first action was to look out the side window to get a closer look. Then when he got his fill of looking, he decided to start talking again. Now keep in mind, we had just talked about this 24 hours prior. He has zero self control. He can't look at a female without elevator eyes. When we have gone out, and girls have on low tops, he tries to look down their shirts and or up their skirts. This is so embarrassing to me. I have felt so belittled, and so disgusted with these actions. I've tried to look the other way and I now even walk away from him in stores so I won't see this happen. I now feel that he is always on the hunt for some new type of candy to check out.  
I have done this to him and he really didn't like it. He stated that he would rather just stay home because he didn't like the way I made him feel. I felt bad for how I hurt his feelings, but inside there was another person saying good. I'm glad you feel this because this is what I've had to deal with since I've met you. I have actually started finding myself looking at other men. I don't want to be this person since I haven't given up on this relationship as of yet. But, I now feel that this might not work out and I'm looking at other men. They do notice me and it does feel good. I used to look the other way when I'm with him and other men look at me. Now I look back. I don't do it often, but I am doing it.  
I really don't know what else to say to him. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't think he's doing anything, but yet during different talks he states he knows that he needs to work on this. He has blurted out at times that he's so sorry for hurting me. It makes me wonder what is going on in his mind at that moment. He says that he wishes he could redo everything he's done and make it better. But soon as a girl walks by, his thoughts are gone from me and now onto her. It doesn't take much to get his attention. The only thing he likes is sports, beer and checking out girls. That is it. At Least that's what I've noticed in a year and a half. I could be wrong, but when things like this continue to happen, I tend to lose track of what else he might be doing even if it's something good. There is never enough time in between his girl checking for me to get over one much less the one that will happen 3 minutes from now. He checks them out from his mirror in his car. He will notice them and as they drive by he will say what kind of car is that and of course it's girls in the car. He never comments when it's men and he won't stare that long in his mirror if it's a man/boy. I really need some advice. I have given my girlfriends advice on these types of situations but it seem hard to follow my own words. I like the person inside of him but I don't like the girl crazy man he puts out there. Now that is the only part I'm starting to see in him. I can't get passed it anymore.  
Is there anything else that I can say or do to make him stop or really understand that he's doing is rude, disgusting and he actually looks like a pervert when he checks people out as much as he does. I've tried the daughter tactic and he has stopped to think about it. Nothing ever sticks with him. He never tries hard enough to stop. I really feel at this point he just doesn't care and I'm starting not to either. I don't mean that I don't care about what he's done or has continued to do. My feelings are fading for him. I don't respond to his text messages as fast anymore. I find myself gazing out and thinking more of my future with that man that has respect for woman instead of a life with him. 
Please tell me if I'm wrong for how I feel. Do I need help or do we need help. He has done this with all of his girlfriends and why would he stop now. He's in his 40's by the way. So at what age does it stop and at what age does a man look at what he has and learns to grow with that person and love that person. When does a man stop cheating with his eyes because I now feel if you can cheat with your eyes this much, you will eventually follow in other area if opportunity knocks. 
Thanks for listening. I'm seriously just over it.  
Posted @ Monday, June 24, 2013 12:14 PM by sundrop
What you have is a common problem but correctable. It takes time and investment on the both sides but can be worked out when both are willing to help each other. dont take it personal since its no fault of your own but rather hormonal impulse, social conditioning, lack of discipline and perspective. understanding the why will make it less painful to you while he learns to control his behavior. once again its a simple addiction and like all addictions the more you feed it, the more difficult it will be to stop. Do not however try to understand it the way a woman does, men and women are different in this area.  
Posted @ Tuesday, June 25, 2013 2:58 PM by Chris
Sundrop: After dealing with this same scenario with a guy who is over 50 for over a year now, and hearing that he has been like this for many years before, I am not sure if he will change. I dread going any place with him because it makes me feel bad, even though I know it's his problem. The question I have had to ask myself, and maybe you should too, is do you want to waste your life waiting around for this to change, when you can be happy with someone who shows you respect now? I know mine has cheated on his ex-girlfriends, but I have no idea with me, except that since I have told him this has got to stop, he has decided HE wants more space, yet he wants to stay together. Which has answered my question to infinity and beyond. Whatever you do, do what's best for YOU. Life is too precious and too short.  
Many hugs.
Posted @ Tuesday, June 25, 2013 3:38 PM by Kris
Have you already spoke to your man about this? the first time you talk to him will be the most important time or at least the best chance you will get at motivating him to work with you. the suprise that you are aware of him doing this only really works once. after that he just gets numb to your efforts, so it is important when you first talk to him you use the right approach, catch him off guard and do it with no emotion but all seriousness. be prepared for what your expectations truly are and draw the line of what you will not tolerate. dont set of his defensive mode other wise nothing you say will stick. each man has a different degree of addiction, each man has a different degree of desire to overcome addiction while others have decided it is not an area of entitlement for the woman to demand but rather a human right to look where ever whenever so long as its legal to do so. so depending on your approach and the tactics you use, as A guy Im telling you the results will vary
Posted @ Wednesday, June 26, 2013 4:44 PM by chris
Hello Chrisflaker, I have tried talking and I think that due to the talks becoming more frequent, he's getting numb to things. I can understand that it's an addiction, but how can I work with a person that doesn't see it that way. I think I have made that mistake of trying to understand it. I can't make heads or tails of it. Men and women are really made different in this area.  
Many Hugs, 
I will keep your words in mind. It is very hard. There has been times where I sat and wondered what was wrong with me. I've even asked him the same question and of course he says there is nothing wrong and that I'm perfect. I always seem to be the one trying to fix it and looking for help and ways to deal with this. I take the research to him and he reads only bits and pieces of it. I'm tattered and torn. I really do love him, but like I stated in my first speech. It's fading.I'm not sure what hurts more. The fact that he can't have faithfull eyes or the fact that my feelings are fading. 
And the the one posted on Wednesday June 26. I have spoken to him. I did it a very good manner. I think. I took him out to eat and we had a great day but he knew we were going to talk about things. We talked about our future with each other and how we wanted to grow old and be happy. I started with the things that were bothering me and he said he was sorry and would work on it. I told him that I would do whatever it takes to make this work. I also stated that I couldn't be with a person that made me feel this way for a long time and that forever if a veryyyyy long time if we plan on having a future with each other. He sounded sincere and was very sad for how he had made me feel. But that didn't change anything. He just can't help himself and really doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong. He stares just a little too long and makes other girls get the wrong impression or right impression. I'm not sure what his point is. One thing is certain. If a girl is in the room, he will notice everything single thing on her. There was a time that Jennifer Lopez was on TV and I was talking and he asked me to be quiet for minute so he can see what she was wearing. That broke my heart. I was so lost for words. what does a man do with those thoughts if they are wanting to see what another girl is wearing. I don't get it. We all look at people and I'm not suggesting that he doesn't look. He now feels like he should wear blinders and I have told him that I had never suggested that. I stated. It's not what you do, it's how you do it and the length of time it takes you to move your eyes off of that one girl.But, there are so many beautiful ladies in the world, that he seems to get this brain burp so to speak. I'm reaching for anything these days to make it work. I know my feelings are fading, but I also know that breaks ups don't happen because we stop loving each other. They stop because we stop trying.  
Posted @ Sunday, June 30, 2013 4:04 PM by sundropgirl
Hey Sundrop, I have been getting a lot of emails from women in regards to this subject. If you want to hear honesty reguarding the male mind I can share some insight. 
Email me and I will tell you the same things that others have asked me. They seemed pretty grateful with what I shared with them. 
Mainly I explain, 
1. why men look 
2. what a man honestly is thinking when he looks 
3. the different kinds of looks  
4.Little tricks to motivate and assist him not to. 
But as a man who was probably the worst in this area I have found what motivated me and the tricks that made me not feel so compulsed to stare. 
Posted @ Sunday, June 30, 2013 8:50 PM by Chris
Men will never get it. They don't get it when we tell them flat out how we feel when they treat us this way. They don't get it, even when we leave them after 5, 10, 20, 30+ years. They fail to make the connection that the daily stabs in the heart and disrespect take a toll. Women wait; women wait until the kids are older. We wait until we're more financially secure. We'll put with so much for so long, then we're ready, we're outta there.
Posted @ Friday, November 29, 2013 2:48 AM by rockymountains
I see some of the things I have mentioned in my post being taken out of context. I would really like to clear things up. I am not trying to supply weapons for the enemy. Men are different than women. This is a fact. Two reasons why this is 
1. Chemical make up 
2. Social conditioning 
Being different means that when subjugating a person to trial by firing squad you must incorporate these differences in the case against them, in order to be fair. Make sense? Yes this is the new world and we try to pretend there are not any differences and that we are all the same for political correctness sake but that is scientifically not true. Yes we are equal in value as people, but to ignore the chemical differences and social conditioning differences is not responsible. 
Men can not give birth, women can not produce sperm. The day that they can, is the day men and women are equal. For those same reasons men and women are not equal, are the same reasons we behave differently (well, that and social conditioning). It’s a simple fact, regardless if it sits well with your position on how things should be.  
We always hear the phrase sex sells, but this is not true, women’s exploitation sells. Women’s bodies are used to sell things, movies, retail, food and just about everything you can imagine. This bombardment of imagery is a form of brain washing to both men and women. It trains the woman to be the object of desire and it trains the man to desire the object. The more exposure to media and culture the worst the brain washing affects are for the person. 
So, whats my point? I guess a reasonable person would say…..hmmm, I guess I should say “I understand when my man falters at times and should not hold him to the same standard that a woman would be expected since his chemical, and social conditioning is a higher level of difficulty to overcome than mine as a woman” but on the same token know that just because men have a higher level of difficulty does not permit the lack of effort towards controlling it. In fact, the fact that we DO have a higher level of difficulty to overcome should be reason to exercise MORE effort to restrain from succumbing to the drive. If I’m an alcoholic I should avoid bars and such altogether as oppose to walking the fine line of trying to smell it and be near it before succumbing to drinking it because needing to smell it and be near it means you are still controlled by it.  
Now if you are a woman who wants to argue that men don’t have a higher level of difficulty despite seven times the testosterone production and a media output that uses women’s near naked bodies for everything, than YOU are simply not ever going to find peace because you are incapable of seeing outside of your our perspective. If you were a Man YOU too would be doing all the same things you are attacking your man for. Which just makes you judgmental over something you can’t truly understand from your frame of reference.  
So in conclusion you SHOULD expect your men to hold to a respectable standard to be considerate of you and your feelings to maintain fidelity in ALL aspects but also be reasonable when they trip because their bar is much higher than yours and you are not qualified to judge them because you are not a jury of their peers, only support them in their efforts to live in a society refraining, when women believe its acceptable to wear lingerie to the beach  
always an ear 
Posted @ Thursday, December 19, 2013 5:19 PM by chris
I like many other women finally could take this no longer so I no longer went in public with my now ex husband. Glad to have that misery in my life over. Today I date and if the man I am with can't keep his thoughts and eye balls on me, it them becomes time to exit and find someone more interested in me. I have no hope of finding respect so serial dating seems to be the solution. I am happier now than I ever was married to someone who spent more time while we were out together looking at other women.
Posted @ Monday, January 13, 2014 11:00 PM by Nancy
And, I really don't give two hoots about the excuse - scantily clad women everywhere. I am not scantily clad, I am not responsible for those woman's dress and I will not be penalized for it by sitting there and taking the man I am out with drooling and playing games to get more of a look. If you as a man has a problem with looking then make sure you go to a place that doesn't challenge you as much and have a strategy for dealing with it. Men figure out how to do all sorts of things and they choose to let this one whip them because they can get away with the excuses. As for me, I am done with the excuses and the disrespect. 
I have a problem with chocolate but I still have managed to "manage" myself and not get bloody fat or even over weight. Men have conditioned themselves to believe they have not control, which is utterly false.  
Anymore I don't give a hoot what the excuses are, disrespect is disrespect and women need to look the wolf in the eyes and kick it to the curb, period, instead of listen to the excuse which are really just telling you they are going to keep doing it until it kicks the behind hard enough that that painful problem is worth fixing.
Posted @ Monday, January 13, 2014 11:12 PM by Nancy
As for men saying that scantily clad women just tempt them, women should not dress as such, which is ok I believe that too but all too often the same men have become so addicted to looking that the pop up images on their computer. This is willful and most looking where there has been no true desire to stop is willful. Pretty much the mentality is it isn't hurting me, I can get away with it and I have plenty of excuse for this behavior. 
Just to let you know, you are not getting away, if you u are with a woman you are driving that woman away from you. You can make all the excuse you like, she isn't going to buy into it, instead she is going to find ways to subtle punish you for the hurt you are inflicting on her. You will eventually wonder how you grew apart. No biggie, plenty of fish in the sea right? LOL, well I have known many women who have shut down in the relationship and their husbands so no sexually activity other than handling their own meat for the rest of their life, sometimes 30 some years. This is even after divorcing and trying to catch the eye of some woman. Bad behavior follows a person and usually middle age women are done with the excuses and younger women can't stand your sags, soft ..., and general age.  
So no, it has no ill affects on men as long as long as you don't count the above. 
This behavior has consequences, no excuses are going to give you a pass on the consequences :)
Posted @ Monday, January 13, 2014 11:35 PM by Nancy
I was with a 42 year old man-boy who couldn't control himself in this regard. I'm not talking the odd glance. I'm talking about his systematic, pathological need to scan and assess every female in the vicinity. Detouring to look because he heard some heels clicking - while he's out with me. Do I want this? No thanks. 
So I've been looking into this [somewhat obsessively] for the past year. And what I've found out via the men I've spoken to about it, hunting online and general observations is that the ogling habit usually goes hand-in-hand with abundant internet porn use. 
All the ladies at the start of this thread, back in 2010/11 saying: "He started this out of the blue just a couple of years ago. He was never ogling women in this way before!" Funny that, eh? The timing coincides with sites offering free HSI [high speed internet] porn - by which I mean: ABUNDANT, STREAMING, FREE PORN VIDEOS in a MULTI TAB VIEWING EXPERIENCE, with google to find WHATEVER you WANT. Whatever little niche tickles the fancy, at any given, ever changing moment!  
Fetishes and philias develop. Tastes change. The variety and constant stream of different females is never ending. Ladies, we can not compare. And that's not about you "not being good enough". It's all about HIM. HIS habits. HIS greed and lust. HIS selfishness. Too good to be true [for him]? O yes. There are prices to be paid [by him - but a fool doesn't see it]. 
There are men [real ones] out there who are WISE to the absolute DAMAGE that HSI porn is doing to their brains, their [no longer so intimate] relationships and the quality of their lives and health generally. 
HSI porn may be "free" in terms of the immediate, upfront cash price. But the cost to life is HIGH. 
HSI porn is not comparable to "back in the day" when men had a few magazines and videos tucked away for lean times. This modern porn shizzle is truly addictive and causes actual changes in the brain [physically and chemically] of these men and MAJOR DAMAGE to their lives. 
Let me state a few damage by-products:  
THE NEED FOR VARIETY [of females]; DITTO. [Because that is what they get, online - a constant stream of ever changing females]. 
Have a look at one of the free porn sites, to familiarise yourself with the layout: 
Each page is filled with lots of little thumbnail images [one per video]; when you put the mouse cursor over a thumbnail, you get a bunch more preview still images to show you a bit more of the video so you can see if it tantalises before "bothering" to open it. Please, think about how doing this one thing alone for hours on end each day/week affects and conditions a man's sexual psychology. 
These men scan their eyes over every single thumbnail on a page, to see which ones catch their eye. If they find one they like, they'll scroll the cursor over it to see a few more stills. If it still appeals, they'll open it. It's common for them to open a bunch of videos all at once, in new tabs, then keep clicking between them whilst doing the old hand-shandy. Or to open them in new windows and resize them so they have a bunch of different pornos viewable all at once. If they get the chance, they will do this for hours on end, every damn day. 
They condition their minds by spending so many hours scrolling the thumbnails and opening videos IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT VIDEO TO GET OFF TO. And THEN? They walk out into the Real World... 
Houston, we have a problem. 
...Where they see all these girls and women running around. And for them, it's like a real life, living thumbnail experience! They're scanning real women in the same way they scan those thumbnails, for "that perfect thing to get off to". It's never ending. There is no crock of gold at the end of the rainbow, just a crock of sh*t! [This constant fantasy IS bs and turns lives into sh*t.] And the more they feed their porn habit, the worse it gets. 
I say: Dump the men who don't see this as a problem, because "they're alright Jack!" getting their little dopamine fixes every time they ogle another passing "sex object". Any man who doesn't care that his blatant ogling hurts you and keeps disrespecting you by doing it isn't worth your time or your love. Stop wasting these precious gifts on him. 
And what are the losses for Mr Selfish-HIM? 
I can answer this, courtesy of the multitudes of ex-porn addicts all saying the EXACT SAME THINGS. The fapstronauts of Reddit, YBOP [Your Brain on Porn], Recovery Nation and other such ex-porn user sites: 
The HUGE amount of time wasted that could be better spent - be it learning, spending quality time with friends/family, or doing the things they used to enjoy, which gave their life meaning and GENUINE fun but which they no longer partake in - hobbies, pastimes and social events. 
The utter failure of their relationships as they become emotionally closed off from and/or sexually disinterested in their spouses and girlfriends. 
But most of all they truly RESENT the loss of self control. And frankly, it IS pathetic to witness, isn't it ladies? I just finished with someone over his porn/ogling habits because by the end, I found his abject patheticness laughable. I have truly lost every ounce of respect and love I had for him. I see him now as a weak, sad idiot who is controlled by ANYTHING in a mini skirt [even the rank ones.... maybe even ESPECIALLY the rank ones] ... and I wonder to myself "did I have s**t in my eye to not to see him for the disgusting, pathetic creep he is, before now?"  
He's had 'second chances' by the dozen. But this time it's dead. He killed it with a real OTT oglefest. There's no going back any more. He's still texting months after the event, telling me the usual crap: How much he loves/wants me and how he doesn't want/isn't interested in anyone else [Clue to the BS radar: People don't stare at things that don't interest them]. 
So yes. There's the men. And their losses. The ultimate one being the loss of YOU. If you're in a position to leave and you have the sense to do so. 
Because there's also the damage they don't care about/think about: The damage they cause their spouses, girlfriends, children, friends and extended family - who also lose out in terms of quality time, loving attention and genuine connection - when he's an addicted porn user, the emotional connection with you will always get lost. Look out for that ladies. It's a bad sign but a good indicator of what you're dealing with. 
You may still get sex [aplenty, even] but it feels 'off'. Likely a lack of eye contact during the event. Possibly [but not necessarily] lights off where they used to be on. Or if the lights are on, e may be staring at your ladyparts [or feet, if he's 'gained' this fetish'] where once he seemed to take in the bigger picture. Generally, he'll seems 'elsewhere' [because he's away... replaying videos in his head, or imagining he's f'ing some woman he's recently ogled]. Then later, there's often the erectile dysfunction and/or loss of orgasm through partnered-sex. For many of them, O becomes only accomplishable if it's PMO [porn masturbation orgasm] - the fault of 'variety' conditioning, once again, plus a lot of them choke it in an extreme manner, unreplicable by a human vajayjay in terms of speed and/or pressure, plus they get VERY used to controlling it [in terms of speed, what they're focused on at 'the moment of o', etc], rather than receiving pleasure from their partner and the randomness of speed, etc that comes with the latter experience. Porn = buzzkiller for real life sex. 
I'm sorry to sidetrack so much onto porn but for the most part, IMO it's the cause of the ogling.  
Back in the late 90's, there was an episode of the show Friends called "The One with the Free Porn": Joey & Chandler somehow got free porn on their cable service and didn't dare turn it off, in case they lost it. They OD'ed on porn and then what happened to them, out in the real world after watching that? Here's the final part of the transcript: 
Chandler: I was just at the bank and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault! 
Joey: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza-delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves! 
Chandler: What? No, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?" 
Joey: No! Nothing! 
Chandler: You know what? We have to turn off the porn. 
If only. But if they don't, I say leave them to it. I will not reward this bad behaviour ever again. Next time I date, I will choose for myself a lovely fapstronaut :) These men THINK. They've replaced masturbation with meditation. They're spending the time they've reclaimed WISELY and achieving GREAT THINGS with it. They have sufficient insight to realise porn is affecting the very fabric of their lives and all the things that matter and they've DONE SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And most of all, they value SELF CONTROL - surely the mark of a real man. 
I'm done with man-boys. Grown men who act like juveniles. My ex openly told me [in a bragging manner] that he sexually checks out all the women he passes. That he wonders what they are actually like in bed, in reality. That he then imagines the full details of scenarios where he is having sex with them. He seems to think this is something to be proud of. 
He told me his workmates were shocked and offended when he spoke a stream of "what I'd like to do to her" thoughts out loud - about a passing woman, whom one of his workmates fancied. 
His summation was: "Well, I was just saying what all men think. They're just hypocrites!" 
He doesn't seem to realise some men can actually find a woman attractive in a much healthier way than he does. That men can actually be less base than he is.  
He has chosen friends who think the way he does, as most people do - for good or bad. This reinforces his beliefs and he gets affirmation that his habits are "normal". 
I have never in my LIFE been out with someone who stares and ogles like he does. But I stayed single by choice for four years before I started seeing him so I was somewhat out of the loop. I now understand that the World is a different place, thanks to the free porn sites. That the problems it's creating are becoming prolific. And that men who think and act like he does think it's something to brag about, these days. 
He told me: Whenever he goes out, he has to sit with his back to the wall and at a vantage point to view all the women in the restaurant/bar/wherever. 
Even at my home, sitting talking he points himself away from me towards the window. If women walk past and he hears them [shoes/voices/laughter], he runs to the window and looks. Even a car door slamming can be enough for him to run to the window and look. 
One time I was in the bath; I heard drunk women screeching and laughing bawdily. They were walking down a side road which forms a T-junction with my road. They sounded like real nasty skanks. When I got out of the bath, I went into the living room: I KNEW he'd be craning his neck out of the window to get a look at them. He was. I just laughed at him, out loud. At how pathetic he is. I think his attraction to skanks is what's put me off him most of all. One time, I told him [matter of factly] "why don't you go and ask one of those women-letting-it-all-hang-out to be your girlfriend, if that's what does it for you?" He responded: "I don't want them for my GF, I just want to F them!". Oh, well THAT'S alright then. Not! So I'm not wasting my good stuff on him anymore. It's a bad case of 'pearls and swine'. And 'if you sleep with dogs, you get fleas'. And all that jazz hands/shandy. 
Posted @ Wednesday, March 12, 2014 4:14 PM by Gee
I read these posts every now and then and I feel bad because the truth behind all the mad craze is simply the lack of discipline. We all live in a community which requires a degree of compromise of individual freedom for the sake of maintaining the peace for those sharing living space within the community. A person in their home has the freedom to do whatever they want but once they enter the shared public domain they sacrifice a measure of their individual freedom and must conform to the will of the community.  
A naked woman walking by is of course a pleasure to the single guy, but a lack of peace to the husband just wanting to buy food at the store with his wife. His libido isn’t turned off he is simply married and now needs to concentrate to maintain his expectation of respect all the more so just because the woman did not dress with consideration for others. Yes she has a female body, so what? so do billions of other people. Its nothing new or unique. Any young healthy female presenting an uncovered female form within the company of men will draw attention. It doesn’t mean you are any more attractive or special than the next girl, it just means your revealing more. You do not own the patent on the female form. 
Men can not act as though they are watching tv at home and soak up every pore visually possible on a woman walking by. It disrupts the peace of the community. It destroys the peace of your spouse and demonstrates the lack of discipline which translates to general weakness.  
The benefits of living in a community is convenience, aid and protection. If you want to live in a land that is shared you need to compromise to accommodate other people. If you value your own individual thrills over the consideration of others, live on an uninhabited island. Pornography cultivates sexual deviation from the norm, which may be fine and dandy for those who are unwilling to admit it but it has destroyed our society. Women are guilty of hurting the feminine cause by providing the supply, men are guilty by providing the demand. Prostitution, sex trafficking is all indirectly related to mans failure to conform to the structure and framework for sex that marriage facilitated. Marriage was the pillar of society. 
A boy likes a girl and naturally wants sex. Goes to the father and is denied access to the daughter because of the lack of financial stability. Boy goes to college gets a career buys a house comes back and the father says ok you can court my daughter if she approves. Boy spends a fortune in order to charm her in exchange for her attention and non sexual company. Boy asks the woman for hand in marriage. She accepts they marry Boy gets sex. Woman has children. Children are supported by preset financial stability, house and so forth. Two parents means no daycare. Values and respect taught to children not by peers or television but by the parents. No stds, no bastard children, no population boom. Sorry folks the lack of discipline and defiance to sound proven structure causes the buildings to collapse. With porn men are comparing their wives with other naked women who they have not even earned the right to such honored and sacred intimacy. Porn raises the bar of sexual expectation much like having multiple partners to compare and contrast with. “well I liked the way sarah spun on my penis, but Erica brings a friend to the bed.” 
The sad thing is the most immoral people who are in Hollywood are presuming authority on morale messages and values in media when they are not deserving or qualified to preach anything remotely ethical. Over time this has taken a toll on culture. 
Men lack the respect of restraint and women lack the respect of modesty. We need to respect each other by not provoking sexual attention or by succumbing to it. Men want to be attractive and so do women when they are single but being attractive and being sexually provocative are two different things. With time we simply become more naked and less composed. Its not biologically mandatory but a probably that when a naked woman walks by, the man will have strong natural impulses to visually absorb the visual display triggering what is both natural and conditioned. The question is does he? He doesn’t have to look. He already knows an attractive woman is coming. He can avoid looking and would get better with practice. Especially when he realizes that aside from size and color variations it’s the same thing as he has always seen before.  
Regardless of if you are in a relationship or not you are a heterosexual being. You are defined as being attracted not to your wife solely but rather the opposite gender in general. The man is at fault in the area of a lack of discipline. We learn discipline in all other aspects of our lives, such as avoiding road rage and taking stress, eating healthy or insults. Men have taught themselves to not look at our sisters as sexual objects despite them possessing the same hip waist ratio that the woman walking down the street does. There is no excuse to look other than the lack of restraint. 
women have fought so hard to gain the respect of men but realized at the end of that journey in order to be respected as a person without sexuality coming into play you need to turn off the mans sexual radar (which inevitably affects his ability to relate with the female gender) or mask the woman's sexual appeal all together by covering the female triggering curves. some woman have very little sexual appeal so no problem there in the respect department. other men are less sexually oriented in later stages of life or have more control of themselves.  
we can argue about biology, we can go on and on about social conditioning in our society but the bottom line is the lack of discipline or not wanting to have discipline in that area. 
Ultimately we as men have to recognize women want their cake and to eat it too. Women want the ability to objectify themselves for attention because they see how weak men are generally speaking at controlling themselves and also to have respect as a non sexualized person. Most men are accustomed to giving in to vice temptation and divorced all sense of propriety. Our society has become a world where men are voyeurs and women are exhibitionists both men and women push the legal envelope to a ridiculous degree. Wearing underwear or lingerie at the beach and volley ball shorts and shear cotton shirts everywhere else 
The sad thing is that as long as men will look at women without restraint, women will dress with less restraint and the real victim in this war between men and women is the peace of the community.  
Posted @ Sunday, July 06, 2014 5:11 PM by chris wier
I agree with Chris. I do have a question though. I have no problem with looking. However, I know fifty year old men that if they are out and see eye candy, they will send pics to their friend that is not there. Also if they are on the beach, they will say take my picture so that their wives or girlfriends will capture the bikini babes in the photo and then they zoom up their lady parts in front of them and laugh. They have no intention of doing anything but looking but I feel they are projected as perverts and dirty old men. Is this acceptable behavior? They say its just looking and a competition but it angers their wives.
Posted @ Wednesday, July 30, 2014 2:37 PM by nia
Nia, Do you think that's acceptable behavior? Or more importantly, respectable behavior (to their wives or the other women)? I say no to both questions. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, July 31, 2014 12:33 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
I think that one of the things we're put on this earth to do is to overcome out basic nature. We're here to strengthen the soul, which is the only thing we will leave with. The people who don't see that are just wasting their time and life. I can't imagine creepy men on their deathbed are sad that they won't get to see anymore tail. But they will be sad when no one cares to be there to comfort them.
Posted @ Friday, August 01, 2014 8:48 AM by me
For some reason, men think that women, and especially their own woman, does not gawk at other men's bodies the way men gawk at females' bodies. Beleive you, we women do look and we compare the same way that men compare. We just dont get crazy with the looking the way men do. Even your own wives look. They imagine the man coming up to them and whisking her off her feet and looking into he eyes, and some more stuff.:) 
Yes, we do look too. The on;y difference is that men have their bodies covered, and there are no prints through their clothes that show the outline of their penises and testicles. Women look at and enjoy men, but men do not wear revealing clothes like women. 
Now if women began to wear baggy t shirts and jeans, with tennise shoes, this would curb a lot of gawking. 
You see women show skin and parts, like the waistline, the breasts, the thighs and the chest. 
Men show nothing.  
Yo see fellas out there, your women want to be desired and have fantasies too. it's not just men who want to be desired and respected and have fantasies of being with a new partner. Women get bored with the partner who has gotten older and blder and wrinklier.
Posted @ Sunday, August 10, 2014 10:27 AM by Jean
Jean, Thank you for your honesty and helping us men understand that women look too. Great contribution to the discussion. Thank you! -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, August 11, 2014 9:35 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Jean speaks for herself [and probably her circle of friends - birds of a feather and all that] - not all women. And I'd say she's in a minority. I've read a lot about this subject online and the few women who DO look say they do so very discreetly. So a tip for you guys there. If you won't stop, then at least tone it down. Don't make it obvious. A quick glance is OK. Be respectful to your partner - and the subject of your looks: She's not a piece of meat in a butchers shop window. 
My last boyfriend was an ogler of the 'rubbernecking' variety. He would leave my side to go and check other women out. He would do the full head swivel as they passed him. He would even STOP WALKING, stand to the side and do the full head swivel, from their distant 'approach' right through to their long 'passing', until out of sight. And when we were in a bar or restaurant, he told me he HAD to sit in a location where he could evaluate EVERY woman in the place and also be able to see the entrance, so he could check out every woman arriving. He TOLD me all of this. And he told me what goes on in his head when he looks at a woman. Which was very nasty and very sexual. And he then expected me to sit there with him whilst he did this. Needless to say, I found it impossible. 
So this is not a case of 'silly weak female' or 'oh, she's just jealous'. I honestly don't know how any woman could be with this man, knowing what I knew about him. [I'd add: His sexual history is pretty full on.] 
He refused to stop, claiming 'all men do it'. He's wrong. My previous partners haven't checked other women out like this [bar one notable exception - and he turned out to be a cheater].  
Partly, it's a matter of class and manners - he had neither. 
Partly, it relates to dissatisfaction with the partner you have. 
Of course, he claimed this wasn't the case. And he kept claiming it whilst trying to get me back for six months. [Which is ironic, as his habit made me greatly dissatisfied and unhappy with him and ultimately; leave.] 
Partly it's down to men having cultivated this behavior in themselves [especially with the 'help' of porn - ]. 
Partly, it's the views you hold about the world and the people in it, philosophically. 
Partly, it's down to personality type. Using MBTI, I identified types who are much less likely to do this. In part, because they have a healthy range of creative interests. In part because they're less focused on others, generally. And in part because they're focused on cultivating what they have, rather than craving what they don't have. [And by the way; this research has paid off :)] 
Partly - as Chris Flaker said above - it's down to lack of discipline. And being told 'all men do it', thus letting yourselves off the hook. I can assure you: They don't.  
Check out a survey and accompanying thread on the subject by googling this term: "Does your man make a conscious effort to not ogle other women?" and opening the top answer [on weddingbee]. Of the women who voted, 68% of their partners DON'T do it. And if you read the thread, that figure is actually HIGHER! A lot of women said they didn't vote as there was no option in the poll for them: Their partners don't look at other women and don't WANT to. [The person who designed the poll had the misguided belief that 'all men want to' and if they're not doing so, it's down to some Herculean effort to control themselves - NOT SO!] So take heart ladies! 
Partly it's the reduction of women to mere sex objects. 
Which, unfortunately, is all around us via the media and advertising - and it's a strong message. So I'm not blaming men for this attitude. It's been cultivated by our society - women are used by our system to sell products. Also to increase dissatisfaction with what we are and what we have [both genders]. All in the name of increasing spending. Your dissatisfaction means you spend money and drive the market. There is another way. 
I've now met a man who doesn't do this. In fact he is so focused on me and so completely disinterested in the women around us, I asked him about it on a date recently [there were young things in hotpants all around us in the bar - my ex would have been breaking his neck to take them all in. This guy didn't even glance at them.]. His answer: He's happy with what he has: Lucky me! He told me he's about the whole person. That he liked me for who I am when we met, not just the way I look. We talked for over an hour before he asked me on a date. He also told me he's a one woman man. He got married, thinking it would be forever. She's the one who broke up their marriage. He doesn't want to play the field. He wants a LIFE PARTNER. Decent men DO exist. Thank God! :)
Posted @ Monday, August 11, 2014 11:10 AM by Good men do exist!
Good Men Do Exist, Thanks for providing another female perspective. You're right, good men do exist. Glad to hear you've found one that respects and values you. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, August 12, 2014 1:48 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Nice article! I truly appreciate your take on this subject. It is so easy for us to jump to a black and white assumption of good guy/bad guy with this type is issue when the gray area is where we really need to be to understand it.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 12, 2014 4:33 PM by Joanna Nicola
@good men do exist,  
Yes, you may say that I speak for myself. But that is your take. I speak for many women who are afraid to give their view of this topic, probably because they know there will be personal attacks.  
Sometimes my comments may come across as way out there, but I am sane and if you would take the time to observe men and talk to women in an honest and relaxed environment, you might hear the same comments.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 12, 2014 5:05 PM by Jean
I am married to a man that noticed me while I was in a relationship years ago. He is charming, fun and good looking by nature. We have been married 28 years and for the most part he has been really good to me. It is not so much his action, but the women's reaction to him. They feel flattered and believe that he could be theirs. That takes away from me, they think he is unsatisfied with what he has and wants them. He has a good personality and is fun. One time I was walking away and turned and saw him lock eyes with a woman and they exchanged smile for a moment. I let it go until he told me he thought she was pretty. We have become social in our empty nest years and are constantly around a mix of married and singles. This is new terrain. He swears he doesn't realize that he sends women the wrong message when he talks to the same woman for extended periods of time. He says they talk and he doesn't know how to get away. I am his 3rd wife ( 28 years) and we are christians. I just don't trust him. I know about his past before me, riddled with affairs and ego fulfilling relationships with the opposite sex. He had a porn addiction for about 10 years of our marriage. That really made me feel unloved. I don't want to own him, I just don't want him to need attention from other women. Even more so I want other women to notice he is married. He does have wonderful redeeming characteristics as a husband and a father. I just HATE this part of him.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 13, 2014 6:19 AM by jm
JM, He can learn to become more aware of how he attracts other women and change this. I've counseled many men who've had to learn this. It's so necessary to protect your marriage. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, August 13, 2014 8:29 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Thanks for your response! I do something that I hate when I see other women handing around him at social gatherings. I find a subtle way to point out a fault in him. He wears baseball caps (he is bald). He does look younger and very handsome. I will go and take his hat off and say " aren't you hot in that hat?" I was beautiful (but didn't know it) when we were married. He has aged so much better than me. I am very anglo looking with fair skin. He get's angry with me for my insecurities and tells me he thinks I am still gorgeous. We were fine until the children left home and we started getting into social groups with single people. I am not a small person, I am a christian, I am intelligent, have lots of wonderful new and long time friends, have a successful career and am still attractive. He looks 15 years younger than me. People make rude comments like " I would have never put the two of you together?" or "how much older are you than he?" I have gotten to the point where I want to change hobbies because a number of our hobbies involve interaction with single women. We can't become hermits because of this. We are very active!
Posted @ Thursday, August 14, 2014 12:02 PM by JM
*I meant not a petty person. I am not a large person in size.
Posted @ Thursday, August 14, 2014 2:10 PM by jm
I have never Beene worried about a man looking at other women. Let em'. So what? Dont women look too? I love my man but other men look good too. I look in a decent way and expect for my man to look in a similarly decent manner. We cannot be with our mates every where they go, so we need to let it go.  
Also, i need to say that I really enjoy and respect this site and i think kurt is a fine gentleman. but there are some Biblical women who write articles on the internet where they drive hard to try to blame, scold, and persecute women for the sins of men. The key words they use are surrender, peace, submissive, The rest of us women need to resist those Biblical women's doctrines.
Posted @ Friday, August 15, 2014 4:20 PM by Jean
All I am reading from the women who are getting their panties in a twist is that they are painfully insecure. This can be seen in the oft cited boyfriend or husband constantly needing to reassure his woman she is the most beautiful… bla bla bla. No, you are probably not the most beautiful woman to him, but you are good looking enough and he is with you and not her so be happy about that. Although the women I spend time with are all very attractive I would never think of lying to them and telling any one of them they are the most attractive woman I had met. 
Men will look at attractive women as we see them. The more attractive the more we may look. Hell I might even talk to her. However, that does not mean I am looking to replace my SO nor would I be trying to get with this other woman. In my experience women who have a problem with a man being a man and his impulses to glance at an attractive woman are not only insecure but they bring in all sorts of other drama into the relationship. It’s the women I date who would actively point out another attractive woman that seem to genuinely be the most fun to be around and the best relationship material.  
For the women that seem to have a problem with this, its your problem not his. What you could do is maybe make yourself into a more attractive woman and keep him so sexually satiated he would not have any energy left to even consider looking at another women. Oh, and work on your self esteem issues, because thie issue is the woman who gets upset at this behavior. 
Women have no right to castrate men’s natural urges to appreciate other women. As one respected writer indicated “women generally feel a strong inclination towards letting their morals be guided by their emotions”. That is probably the underlying cause of a majority of frivolous divorces, only to be spurned on by shit article like this that give women the moral cover they desperately seek. These same women would set aside their high morals when it comes time to divorce their husbands, proving the above statement. It’s all about you honey, aint it? 
Posted @ Saturday, August 16, 2014 5:56 PM by Michael Glass
Michael, You're correct that insecurities can drive some of the conflict between partners on this subject. However, so can how many men look at other women in such a disrespectful way. Many of your points can apply to both men and women. I wish you had chosen to present them in a more balanced manner, because unfortunately your one-sided, angry approach is going to cause your points to get dismissed. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, August 16, 2014 8:09 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
I was not trying to be balanced. I was simply being honest in my assessment of the issue and the article. Oftentimes being balanced dilutes the very advice and knowledge that is usually needed at full strength. You apparently feel the need to cater to a female readership. I do not do this in what I communicate and the advice I would give in this situation. Also for the record I am far from angry. In fact I am merely amused at the one sidedness of this article and others like it and the fem-centric posturing and shaming of men that is done on a daily basis in the interest of “making women haaaapy”. What I desire is stronger marriages and families, as I am sure you do too. However, the various advice articles I see everyday are usually dead wrong. This is just another example. In your defense, I do think you have good intentions and I do agree with some of the points you make. I just don’t agree with your conclusions on this topic and I think this is because you may be working off a faulty premise and misunderstanding the deeper issues involved. 
Men and women’s approach to these types of issues are very different. In this article men who exhibit otherwise normal behavior such as looking at another woman, are shamed and told we are wrong for doing so when it is hardwired into our brains to do exactly that. Women do much of the same thing, but very differently and for different reasons and purposes. We can see this by looking at certain statistics such as divorce, where most of the fillings are in fact frivolous. Women account for nearly 90% of divorce filings. Around 70% are filed by women directly and depending on what studies you read; as many as an additional 20% are initiated by women. About 5% are filed by men trading in their wives and another 5% for other reasons. 
There is also the issue of mate guarding that although relevant in general, most of the comments do not reflect guarding, but of insecurity and “her” not being happy and the general faulty premise that women should control men’s sexuality. Men instinctively desire to mate with as many women as possible. This is natural and insures our species will continue. We feel this all of the time. However our moral and social stigmas prevent most men from actively doing this when they are married or otherwise attached. Women also have their part in this cycle by their always looking to secure the best seed to be impregnated with (alpha) and the best man that will participate in child rearing and provisioning (beta). As I mentioned earlier, the divorce stats reflect this. Many women divorce their husbands because they were not happy, he didn’t make enough money, or in most case she lost her attraction to him for whatever reason. Then in many cases they marry up, or they run around reliving their 20’s and have sex with a lot of different men.  
The main point I made was women should spend less time complaining and more time making their men happy. A happy man would have no need to look at other women. Unhappy men will look and their (previously) unhappy SO’s will complain. Most of the comments criticizing men for their natural impulses reflect the entitlement attitude that men are somehow responsible for women’s insecurities and happiness. That’s simply not the case. 
When men cater to women’s wistful and often conflicting words and desires, women end up being turned off by their men. As a trusted writer summed up, “women generally feel a strong inclination towards letting their morals be guided by their emotions”. This issue is just another example of this premise. And as another trusted source stated in the past “most women also lack a fundamental understanding of the male sexual impulse”. When you understand these two premises, and you can see that women who make a big deal about men simply looking at another woman need to spend a lot more time making their men happy which in turn will result in an increase of their own happiness and a lessening of their own insecurities. 
Posted @ Saturday, August 16, 2014 9:30 PM by Michael Glass
Michael Glass,  
It is indeed disheartening to read comments like yours. You mentioned something about women getting their panties in a bunch, but you show that your jock strap is in a bunch when you make such mean comments about women. You seem angry? 
There are some confident women, like myself who love themselves and so,do give a rat's fart, whether their man looks or not. I am very secure within myself. I am very different from most, because I don't go around worrying about whether a more beautiful woman is around the corner and I do not worship or exalt my man, so he can look and  
look and look, I am still me. I am no less of a human being. I 
Also, I wrote before, that women look at men the same way that men look at other women. It's just that society has taught women to wear tight clothing and reveal body parts. If society taught men to wear tight knit and flimsy clothing and expose body parts, then we women would have some things to look at and our men would feel the harsh edges of this double standard about gawking. You see men do not experience the issues that women do. Men make the rules and women suffer for those rules. Our men enjoy gawking and objectifying us women, then we get scolded for provoking men and we get threatened that our men will look so we ought to keep ourselves more attractive.  
Michael, do you believe this is fair to women. Do you see how wrong you men can be to women with all your rules, man made doctrines, etc 
Lastly, I need for you and other men to stop telling women to, "Make yourself into a more attractive woman and keep him sexually saturated so he would not have any energy left to look at another woman" 
That comment you wrote, could not have been possibly made by a respectful man of God. That was such a cold low blow to women. You are part of the problem why women go through with what we do experience. It's because of a bad attitude about women. I and every other woman needs to be treated with respect and dignity just the way you want to be treated. No woman needs to worry about fixing herself to be more attractive, to keep a man. that is too much work. 
Don't you as a man have the same responsibility? No woman wants to lie in bed with their man when he has a fat beer gut, an unshaven face, a scruffy beard with gray hair in it, a flat unmuscular body, and a balding head. But we women accept you all as ugly and unattractive as you are, and you don't hear or read where we tell you to become more attractive to us so that we will not look at other men, do we? Besides, most husbands are lousy in bed and do not satisfy their wives sexually, so why would you tell women to keep you all sexually saturated. I feel sorry and sad for men who do not respect women.
Posted @ Saturday, August 16, 2014 10:55 PM by Jean
It takes a lot for some people to post here and express what they are feeling. I think it would be hard not feel attacked by some of these post. I don't think other women should have the impression that your husband is available and they could have sex with them if they wanted. I also think when men have a history of cheating or choosing porn over their wives (not because the wives are unattractive or don't try to keep it sexy in the bedroom) but those sex goddesses on the screen are new and different. Most men (&women) do have a history, we chose to forgive and move forward in love. You have to protect your relationship. I don't want my husbands balls, I just want him to be around for our retirement that we have been looking for for 28 years. Affairs emotionally, mentally or sexually do collateral damage to a relationship that can be irreversible. Then everybody ends up hurt and miserable.
Posted @ Monday, August 18, 2014 5:10 AM by JM
JM, Good points - thanks for sharing them. I like this one the best: "Most men (&women) do have a history, we chose to forgive and move forward in love." It's an awesome choice when you choose to make it. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, August 18, 2014 2:51 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Jean – You are trying approach a male behavior using a female mindset. That does not work. A perfect example of this is how and why men and women may look at each other appraisingly. They are two totally different sets of triggers and motivations for doing so. Again, I am not trying to be fair but truthful. Sometimes we don’t like the truth. There are a lot of times I don’t like it. But it does not change what the truth is. 
Confidence in a woman is great. Personally, I prefer my lovers to be confident rather than insecure. They are much more pleasant to be around. 
A woman who is head over heels in love with her man will WANT to look good for him as he defines what sexy is to him personally. It’s his prerogative to define what he likes, not a woman’s to tell him what he should like. They will know how to communicate their individual needs to one another and she will do her level best to satisfy those needs. 
In stable relationships where a man is not only taken care of sexually but appreciated and respected this looking at other women does not occur so much. I have been with insecure women who were threatened when other attractive women were around or socializing with me. I have had other relationships where my lover was not at all threatened because I was going home with her. The later examples were always better relationships bay far. 
The point here was not about men being out of shape. 
You then make wild claims about me personally and attacking me and all married men as “being bad in bed, fat, etc”. God made biomechanics. You can choose to ignore it and argue about it but it does not change how things work in reality. Furthermore I never stated I was looking at this from a religious POV. In my experience, which is a lot, religion does more harm than good in most relationships. You speak of manmade doctrines yet that is what religion is. The bible states that women must submit to their husbands and this includes sexually, yet most women conveniently ignore this very important part of Gods plan for marriage. I have yet to meet an unhappy woman who ascribes to the entirety of biblical standard of marital behaviors. 
Reread what I said previously about women’s emotions and how they will twist morality to suit what they are feeling. 
The rest of your comment is shaming language and straw man arguments and as such I will not debate like a woman. 
JM – Porn and adultery are different. I agree men that should be making their wives walk funny instead of looking at porn. Just saying. Also looking at an attractive woman on the street is not cheating. Your comment validates what I said about insecure women in unstable relationships being bothered by this. If your husband is a serial adultery (penetrative kind) then it is either accept it or divorce. Just to be clear that recent data shown women cheat more than men. I think some of that data is even referenced on this site somewhere. 
I want to repeat one thing, and not to you personally if the show does not fit but in response to something you said. Men choose what is sexy to them. I see a lot of women demand that they (the women) choose what the man SHOULD find sexy. That’s wrong and that an attempt to control men’s sexuality. Most men I know would never put up with that from any woman. I have experienced this and that relationship was pretty bad in the sexy department. If a wife is the most sexy woman around a man will always look at her. If she is not then she has work to do to be that woman for him. If he still ignores his wife then the marriage has bigger issues. Men are pretty easy to satisfy. Keep us well fed and well f&^ked and most men are pretty happy.  
Posted @ Monday, August 18, 2014 8:20 PM by Michael Glass
I do recognize that men are programmed to look. I am not faulting anyone man for that. Just do it politely in front of the women you love out of respect. If you are too obvious you are sending the woman you are looking a and your woman a message "I don't respect this woman beside me." If you are a man that can look with out acting if the opportunity presents itself, I truly admire you. I think that whether people want to realize it or not some men have bigger issues. Some men have been treated for sex and porn addictions. You may want to call them weak or lacking self control. It is a real disease. Alcoholic's have trouble sitting in a bar where drinks are being serves without wanting to down an entire bottle. When the addiction is sexual, it is not about his wife's lack of self esteem. It is about the fact she fell in love and had children with this lovely human being and the addiction returned. Does she run? Does she tolerate a sexless life, while he watches porn or seeks partners at the office to flirt and possibly have sex with? Yes, most women would run. I came close to running. I saw beyond his addiction and saw the person he really is. I know that he loves me in spite of the addiction. He illustrates it in daily genuine behaviors. I have been the good wife that someone mentioned in an earlier post. That doesn't keep a sex addict at home no matter how sexy you try to be and how much of a best friend you are to them. They seek other partners and porn. In therapy years ago, the therapist taught both of us boundaries. His boundaries involved avoiding triggers such as flirtation with women, watching porn and anything that might start that cascade of sexual addiction processes. I am sensitive to this, yes! I have watched him spiral out of control started with an innocent encounter in a social setting (years ago). Yes, he is charming and handsome. I am not a bad catch either. He is not your average man looking at a woman going by on the street. He has trouble if things get to the point of no return. That is what can kill a relationship. You may say if you don't want to be with a sex addict, leave him. It is so much more than that. I love him, I am no ones fool and I know men that have treated me this well do not come by more than once in a life time. He has been successful in fighting this addiction for years. He has done that for me, himself and the children. I just know that socializing in groups that seem to have a large population of single women and a deficit of men is probably not a good idea for him. He is so much more than this addiction. As long as he fights it and doesn't let it take over again, I am here and I am crazy about him. We have invested years and have three beautiful children. We travel together, sail, golf, celebrate and beautiful holidays together. Our life is good. If you truly understand addiction you wouldn't label this as a generic guy checking women out. He has to keep things in check. It is not an excuse, it is a disease. One that he has managed to control for the most of our relationship.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 5:58 AM by JM
It’s admirable that you love each other and you are actually keeping to your vows and he seems to be working hard to keep to his. Sometimes that is all we can hope for. I think its also admirable that you 2 do a lot of things together. I think most couples would love to be able to do that, but don’t or cannot. 
Your situations more unique than the majority of women complaining about this issue. Porn in and of itself does not an adultery make. However a true sexual addiction will possibly lead to certain behaviors, such as you describe. 
I do want to point out an issue with the labeling of people with sexual addictions. Some men and women do have hyperactive sex drives. In most circumstances this is normal and can be dealt with in the context of a relationship. I dated a woman like this and although I was tired every morning, I believe she was faithful to me. What I do see though is a lot of these people are that would be called sex addicts because they have above average sexual desires. I’m going to use your husband just as an example generally. In the case of your husband, there is probably an urge to mate with many different females. This is a hindbrain instinct. In most of us it is fairly suppressed. In his case it might be less so. Many men do have a lesser degree of suppression and higher testosterone than average. This leads to some of these types of behaviors. The inverse of this occurs in women to a higher degree. It is called hypergamy. In both cases it is social and moral constructs that tempers these urges and inclinations. The problem is that we now lack these constructs due to feminism. 
A fitting maxim here is: The goal of feminism is to remove all constraints on female sexuality while maximally restricting male sexuality. 
Alot of this shaming of men’s otherwise normal behaviors proves the above maxim. In 90% of the comments it is this type of shaming that is occurring. Unfortunately the old ways are dead as is our old versions of morality. 
Posted @ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 7:09 PM by Michael Glass
OMG we keep going around the same bush. This article is not about men merely looking, glancing, appreciating an attractive woman, it's about men gawking and staring and being disrespectful to the uncomfortable point for his woman. Nobody said it was wrong to just "look". Yes, you have also made some valid points regarding other branches of this topic, but you just don't see women behaving this way to their man...or it is so rare. IF they do, their actions are just pawned off as "they are nutz"
Posted @ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 7:13 PM by crystal
Michael, thank you for your input. to my post. My husband is not a serial adulterer. He came with a past where he committed adultery with his first two wives. I, number #3 to date, have not had him physically cheat on me in 28 years of marriage and the 2 years that we dated. He did deal with a porn addiction for about 10 years between year 2 and 12 of our marriage. I know that alcoholics have a good chance of drinking if they spend too much time in a bar. Just like a sex addict in remission should probably not be in a social club that is 70% single females that crave male attention (sorry female friends, it does happen). We had pretty much been confident and had no trust issues until we joined this group about a year ago. Maybe that was a bad decision? I appreciate all of the opinions. It has been eye opening. I hope and pray that somehow that men and women will find a way to find to compromise and be united in solid, happy, secure relationships. I believe these opinions as representative of many men and women. Understanding and compromise are needed on both sides. This thread seems to have men and women polarized.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 9:24 PM by JM
It is alarming to read your unfavorable comments about women. Your comments tell others that you see women as nothing more than for sexual satisfaction, for eye candy, and for one who has little to no confidence in herself, so that she can be easily led. 
It is not a woman' s job to look good so that her man will not stray. A woman should not have to add that stress to her huge list. He is supposed to be a responsible grown man, in charge of his own actions.. But if he wants to be an untrustworthy partner then let him stray and the result can allow them to be platonic room-mates while he continues to get his sex from the so called " attractive" women. Great, now she won't need to be so stressed, now maybe she can be free to look at other men and get her needs met, since her selfish man has been ignoring her because she was not beautiful enough or did not keep him sexually saturated. Side note : he is not attractive either and he was lousy in bed. 
Also, you are bothered by me having confidence. Why? Am I as a woman supposed to not feel good about myself. Where did you learn this primitive attitude about women. Sorry Michael, but a woman's first responsibility is to love herself.  
Lastly, in a well oiled machine, like a good and balanced marriage, ALL of the parts must get nutrients in order do be able to do their jobs, to make things run smoothly . All parts must work. It is not just the woman' s job to fix a relationship by keep herself looking good to keep a man. They BOTH must work at the relationship.  
If a man is that consumed with himself and his penis, he will never be happy because pretty soon even the most brainwashed women will get tired of his foolishness and she will wake up and smell the stink that she is in. 
Posted @ Tuesday, August 19, 2014 11:12 PM by Jean
The end point of this ogling issue is that a person is truly hurting the one they are with. If they care enough about the person they are with they will make an effort to curb that behavior and correct it. It all comes down to respect. You can't have what you can't respect. People need to get real. Relationships have ended because of it. If a person wants to end up all alone, that is a good way to go about it. Then they wonder what went wrong.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 20, 2014 11:38 AM by klt
Crystal, Thank you for redirecting the conversation back to the message of the post. I coach guys that it's okay and natural to 'notice' an attractive woman - what gets us into trouble with our thoughts, partner, etc. is what we do after we 'notice.' -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, August 20, 2014 7:37 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
KLT, Great points! Totally agree. You're right, "it all comes down to respect." Thanks for sharing. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, August 20, 2014 7:47 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
If I could click "like" on your last comment Kurt, I would!
Posted @ Wednesday, August 20, 2014 8:31 PM by JM
I am in the situation of looking too much. Regardless of what I know the truth to be, she can not accept any answer as to why. I agree with her. It just needs to stop or this 5.5 year relationship will end. It really does hurt me when I think of how she feels when we talk. I would do anything to stop it, I don't even realize I'm doing that until she calls me on it. I am here looking for help in how to stop it because I do love this lady and want this relationship to move forward. I think I am going to just enter public places with her with this as a number one priority on my mind. Most places you are there to see something ( not women). Stay focused on what it is your there to see, movie, shopping for something, viewing something etc. Think like this, if you were in a motorcycle shop or gun store or boat/fishing store you probably are occupied with lots of things to view and you don't wander with looking at women. When your other places focus on what you want to see, as if your hunting your not looking at the tree types or the clouds but focussing on what your hunting. If your lady is purse hunting, help her by finding one you like, even if she doesn't like the purse you pick, she loves your support and interest in her search instead of watching you view other women. I'll close with the is to hopefully let you ladies see inside our minds. In my mind I take nothing other than looking, I never think as far as what if....or anything. I don't even remember the person minutes later. That being said I hurt myself to feel like I've caused my girlfriend such sadness. I hope I can beet this ailment before it beats me. I wish she could see that I really am so happy with her, which is why it hurts me when I offend her. Hold on to hope ladies and maybee sit down, put your hands on his cheeks, and ask him from your heart to please work on this, tell him that it really breaks your heart inside. I hope the best for all of the readers here, both women and men, and my sincere appologies to the ladies who's partners have never said, I'm so sorry sweetheart !!!!
Posted @ Monday, August 25, 2014 11:51 PM by Vic
Men are not to be trusted. Why they look at other women is that they're technically not into women or genuinely find another woman attractive. One more- whether you are beautiful or not, he will look at other women in front of you to see if you get jealous. If you do, he will keep doing it and even pretend he does not know what he is doing. Men want women to think they don't care. But that does nothing positive for the relationship, does it? The only way a man can see his girlfriend or wife in a healthy is by God's guidance. Yet if the woman is not Godly, there will be strife. It take two, not one. Women, put God first if you want to keep your sanity.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 26, 2014 1:15 PM by
Vic, Thanks for sharing another male experience. Your tips are good starting points, but as you know it takes a little more than that to change this engrained behavior. I especially appreciate your advice to the women to tell their partner how his behavior makes them feel. For some of us guys, that's all the motivation we need. Unfortunately, for other guys it takes more. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, August 26, 2014 3:19 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Vic, I have heard so many men just say "this is the way men are." If it bothers you it is because you don't feel good about yourself. I had sworn that I had written my last post on this thread. It is nice to see that a man cares and doesn't want to hurt his girl friend. I do like to hear all of the opinions.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 26, 2014 9:47 PM by Jm
Here's the thing men - are you listening. Men want to be respected right? Looking at other women takes away your wife's respect for you - period! and the women you are ogling while with your wife or significant other most often than not, think you're a loser! So again - strike two in the respect department. And if she is younger - she thinks you're a perve - strike three. So while many men believe they are entitled to look they are destroying the relationships they claim they want. Also it has been my experience these men are very insecure and NEED constant attention and also have sexual problems. They are high maintenance and so - they don't have self-respect. Getting attention becomes more important than anything else. Also Women need to be loved and cherished. Notice I said - needed! It isn't a want or hope or self-centered, it is a woman's basic make up and every time you look at another women it digs a little in her soul and her relationship toward you. And as mentioned MOST MEN COULDN'T HANDLE BEING WITH A WOMAN WHO BEHAVED THE SAME WAY! So double standards will not get you anywhere but again, more disrespect.
Posted @ Tuesday, September 02, 2014 6:22 PM by
PM, Agree with much of what you wrote, except for the suggestion that men who ogle are "very insecure, need constant attention, and also have sexual problems." While this can be the case with some, it doesn't describe all. Looking at other women is a struggle for nearly every man, not just those with problems. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, September 03, 2014 8:48 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
I read this entire thread and I want to reach out to all the men and women who are reading this. I have a scenario (actually, two) that I would like some insight into. I know this is about men "looking" but my scenario deals with what I consider to exemplify the the double talk, double standard and hipocrisy I hear from men. These are from real discussions/debates I've had with my SO and male friends/family. Scenario (1). Men who visit strip clubs and get lap dances say it's "just a fantasy" and "doesn't mean anything". So I reply that while you're out doing that, I will dress up like a stripper and give a stranger (man) a lap dance because that would be my fantasy and it doesn't mean anything more than a lap dance. All men I've asked about this say "it's not the same thing". But, yes it is. My fantasy isn't to receive lap dance from a man, it's to give him a lap dance. Nope not the same. Why is that? Hmmm. It's my fantasy and I would only be giving a man what you're receiving. Scenario (2). I read something about craigslist personal ads and looked at the yesterday out of curiosity. Yikes. I don't judge, but I was surprised at the men that post photos of their genitals showing women what they have to "offer." So as I'm reading these ads, I wondered if men would be uncomfortable with their gf/so was browsing these ads. Again, let's go with the premise that it's "just fantasy" and "doesn't mean anything" as I'm not actually going to reply to any of these ads. If men looking at other women is "just fantasy" and their wives, etc. are their real, meaningful, loving relationship (you know, the one that actually means something), the wouldn't it be fair to say "I'm your gf, wife, etc, BUT I'm THIS MAN'S FANTASY? I never get clear answers from me other than the "it's not the same". Why? "Because it is." It's like a parent to a child who asks "why?" And the parent saying "because I said so." I'd love some me to weigh in and help me understand. Maybe there are men out there who feel it's totally okay.
Posted @ Thursday, September 04, 2014 1:01 PM by Anonymous
I need help too. I don;t mean to but when a woman walks by in a restaurant, or drive by one walking/jogging my eyes glance up at her. I don't mean to and it is a glance, not an ogle. But it still feels disrespectful to my wife and I want to stop. It is to the point where I don't want to go out.
Posted @ Thursday, September 04, 2014 1:03 PM by Pierce
Why we only say the problem because of our self? why we don't say that the problem is also because of the women?? I don't thing there is a guy who can work or talk with a very beautiful women with her sexy dress and her highly make up without look at her. What do they expect from us when they wearing these sexy clothes with this make up? . Men and women look like gas and fire. How can we control the fire if there is gas close to it? 
Posted @ Thursday, September 04, 2014 1:17 PM by Albunashee
Anonymous, Sounds like you've got yourself into a circular debate with men who want to rationalize their behavior. Perhaps you should move away from comparing men and women and focus on the topic of respectful behavior within in a committed relationship. Much of what you describe is disrespectful behavior regardless of which sex is doing it. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, September 05, 2014 8:07 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Pierce, Thanks for your honesty. You're not alone in your struggle. Keep in mind that noticing an attractive person is not the problem (everyone is going to do that), it's what we do in our mind, with our eyes and actions after we notice that's a problem and is disrespectful. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, September 05, 2014 8:11 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Albunashee, You make a very good point. But the reality is that we're not going to be able to change how women dress, how sexual they act, or the sex in our media and culture. We must remember that not all women are doing this, but many still get ogled by men. Although both men and women can play a part in the problem, except for our partner, we cannot influence or change their behavior so we must focus on changing ours no matter what women do. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, September 05, 2014 8:16 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Kurt - you're absolutely right about rationalizing the behavior. I can't control other peoples thoughts or behaviors, nor would I want to. But for the men reading this, if you must look, do it briefly and be done. Be cool about it. Repeated looks or trying to be discreet are so obvious and it looks creepy and pathetic. No woman wants to see her man like that. If you can be out with your girl and treat her like she's the only woman in the room, she will adore you for it.
Posted @ Friday, September 05, 2014 9:01 AM by Anonymous
Does anyone besides me see and understand that some of the reasons why we have problems between the sexes is because of some huge double standards, from both sides. We use porn videos as the topic.  
The first version or example is of a porn that the man dominated media produces. This first version of porn shows a woman totally naked, on all fours or on her knees servicing the male. Her top parts are bouncing and jiggling, while she fakes satisfaction with oo oo sounds. But they never show the male's penis or testicles. What male would not want to watch this? Do we think it is fair to ask a woman to come and watch this version with her man?  
Now look at the second version of porn that was created by an all female production team, where only the man is totally naked with his penis and testicles shown bouncing and flopping up and down while he is making oo oo sounds and he is lovingly and respectfully servicing his woman, but his woman's parts are discretely covered, but the audience has a full frontal and back view of the man. how exciting for a woman to watch, but would a man watch this with or without his woman? We expect for women to watch porn with her man, but Would a man be willing to watch the version production of porn with the naked men in them?  
Posted @ Friday, September 05, 2014 4:30 PM by Pk
Dear Kurt, 
We cannot solve the problem by looking at the outcomes only. We should treat with the problem from its roots not from the results. I agree that we MUST not force the women to change their dress but at least we can spread this issue in our culture. Women should be realized that they are a major part of the problem, and hopefully in future, we will see a different behavior. As a problem, it should be solved from all sides because it is a responsibility of the all. 
Posted @ Sunday, September 07, 2014 10:47 AM by Albunashee
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