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Surviving Infidelity 2x

Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Oct 22, 2011
  
  
  
  
  

Surviving Infidelity -- Marriage Counselor AdvisesQ: I’m a wife surviving infidelity -- again! I have been married for 3 years now to my second husband. There was infidelity with my first marriage and I have now found out that my current husband has been surfing internet porn and chatting online and has even chatted about secretly meeting people. He states he has not followed through with it but not much more communication with each other beyond that. When I ask about going to a marriage counselor he never answers me and always ignores the question. I am going to schedule an appt for myself but what else can I do to survive infidelity? -- Katie B.

A: Surviving infidelity can seem impossible, but it’s not.  You don’t say what you did when it happened in your first marriage, but I’m glad to hear that you’re ready to take action this time around.

Don’t let his ignoring your requests to talk about it and go to counseling stop you from addressing the infidelity.  And, yes this is infidelity.  We all want to ignore or minimize things we’re embarrassed about or don’t want to be honest about, so his non-response is not surprising.  However, his lack of respect for you is a much bigger concern.

I’m working with several women right now whose husband’s are doing the same thing – denying there’s any problem in their relationships and refusing to go to counseling to discuss their wife’s concerns.  One wife is still surviving infidelity from 3 years ago.  In my work with these women we’re developing ways for them to be heard and responded to by their husbands.  This is where you need to focus your energy.

-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

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Comments

My experience was the same thing. I am trying to survive a husband whom i thought would never cheat on me. much worse, make up stories that i am having a secret affair. i tried to limit the amount of news of this marital differences , only to find out that even my maid of eight years knows every facet of our differences. The bad news too was when i left home, my maid stayed with my husband telling me that it was my fault because i leave him. she didnt leave him too.so my maid and my husband live at home. 
 
I was also experiencing domestic violence, i was pointed with a gun on my head telling me to tell truth she would want to hear, or would treat that it is easy to wring my neck to death when am sleep. i was petrified yet i wont leave hi because i thought having a family is better than being separated. ihad my saturation point. last october two i was bold enough to leave him and although it gives me a many sleepless night and crying i was sleeping without fear of being killed, or punch or pulled. 
 
it was upsetting because i have a steady job, while my husband seems to be at the mercy of his family for resources.  
 
it was upsetting too knowing that not only one but more than three was vyeing for his affection. 
 
Do you think it is worthwhile to give him another chance? (although he is not making the move of doing this) OR IS IT WORTH HAVING A SOLID FAMILY IN NAME ONLY AND ME SUFFERING IN RETURN? WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME FOR ME TO LEAVE HIM? 
Posted @ Monday, October 24, 2011 1:23 AM by jinky
Jinky, I'm very sorry to hear of the difficult spot you're in. He needs to show some effort to change before you should consider giving him another chance. Too often victims are the ones always compromising and the abuser never changes.  
 
Be careful to not fool yourself into thinking you have a solid family and it's better than being separated. There isn't anything solid, or better yet healthy, in your description of your abusive relationship. 
 
Read the posts on abusive relationships on the right side of this page for more help. Also find a professional counselor to give you some guidance.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 08, 2012 6:49 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My partner of almost 6 years cheated on me with a girl almost 10 years his junior. This was about 2 and a half years ago... I got angry, very angry and then I got even, the girl already had a reputation and had promised me that she had not known we were still together, but promised to back off immediately. She proceeded to send him filthy texts and eventually I left him, my anger was killing me, I moved 400km away only to find out that when I got rid of our house she offered he move into a room in her parents house. I was shattered. He started missing me and his then 1 year old son and I kept telling him that she was manipulating him to spite me(I had phoned their boss and told him of what she had done to our family).  
Now it's 3.5 years later and I still have NOT even one answered question, he ended up following us to a different province and we had to start all over again. He went for counselling once or twice, but still denies ever having an affair. I am still angry all I want is the simple truth, it's better than wondering if he loved her or still does. He still won't marry me and I will under no circumstances ask, I would rather leave, but unfortunately we are financially dependant on him and I do love him.
Posted @ Thursday, May 10, 2012 1:49 AM by Nat
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