Husband Looks At Porn - What Do You Do?

By Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC, Aug 15, 2023

5 Min Read

Contents

Dealing With A Husband Who Looks At Porn
What To Do When Your Husband Looks At Porn
What To Take Away
Reader Comments (170+)

Does your husband look at porn? If so, you’re probably wondering what to do about your husband and his interest in porn -- and you’re not alone.

There are many men (and even some women) who watch porn and consider it normal. For men especially, porn viewing can seem like something regular guys do and no big deal. This is a misconception, however.

Porn viewing isn’t healthy, and it negatively impacts them even if they cannot see it. Wives also suffer when their husbands look at porn on a regular basis.

At Guy Stuff we receive questions routinely about porn and whether or not it’s okay. Some women want to know if they should be open to it, and many others want to know what they should do if their husband is looking at porn and it’s causing problems for them.

Below is just such a question and my response.

Dealing With A Husband Who Looks At Porn

Reader Question:

What do you do when your husband looks at porn? We always had an exciting and adventurous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, I'm still feeling crazy adventurous and always throwing myself at him. He doesn’t want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship and that my husband looks at porn (because of the 'interaction' he gets from it). Although I don’t like the idea I was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldn’t use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will someone make sense of this for me? If I’m bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy himself and only use me when he can’t be alone to use porn, why should I stay? He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please. What do you do when your husband looks at porn?" -Samantha W.

My Answer:

Samantha isn’t alone.

Unfortunately, many husbands use porn regularly at the expense of the intimate connection with their wives. There are a number of ways this can start and many of them can seem innocent at first.

It was,

"Just a meme"

"Just a video a friend sent"

"I just looked out of curiosity"

etc., etc, etc.

But it doesn’t take long before the allure of porn takes over and it becomes more important than real sex and intimacy with their wife. When this happens it can destroy marriages, much like it’s starting to do for Samantha and her husband.

Here’s an important fact to understand when your husband looks at porn -- porn isn’t about you, porn is about him. The more you can understand this fact, the better you'll be able to understand why men watch porn, at least as much as is possible for most women.

It doesn’t matter what you do to try to “meet his needs” or to make yourself more appealing, because that’s not the problem.

The problem is that he’s found a drug that he likes the high from better than the high of having sex with you.

Now that can be hard to hear and understand. But in order to respond to him in the most effective way possible, it's important not to take this as a personal rejection, although it certainly feels like one and in many ways is. However, it isn't so much when you understand how powerfully addictive looking at porn is.

You’re right in describing his behavior as “selfish.” It’s also addictive. He’s showing all of the signs of porn addiction.

You need to respond to your husband looking at porn like it’s an addiction (drug) problem, not an attraction (you) problem.

If it was cocaine he was addicted to rather than porn, would you respond differently?

The fact that porn involves the sensitive and interpersonal topic of sex certainly makes it more difficult to be empathetic about.

The answer to your question, "Why should I stay?” should be about a lot more than just understanding why your husband looks at porn.

The description of his response, “He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help,” shows that your relationship has deeper problems. The lack of respect, consideration, and love just happens to be most obvious with your husband’s porn addiction, but I'll bet it happens elsewhere too.

What To Do When Your Husband Looks At Porn

Start here -- Change your thinking.

If your husband is watching porn, there are deeper issues to consider and it’s time to think about what the real problems are.

Here are some common problems in this situation:

Your husband is struggling with drug addiction. Although porn isn’t a chemical, it causes the same kind of chemical reactions in the brain as addictive substances. So, porn should be considered as problematic of an addiction as any other drug.
There are other relationship problems. His use of porn and refusal to stop is disrespectful, shows a lack of value placed on your feelings, and is straining the love within your relationship, just to name a few.
You see yourself as powerless when you’re not.

You’ll probably need the help of a professional counselor to deal with these - the problems with porn and your relationship.

As hard as it is to lose sexual intimacy with your husband, hopefully there are many more reasons to stay and try to work things out.

If he refuses to get help it doesn't have to mean you can't get it without him. When someone we love is stuck in an addiction we often must push them to do what they don't want to do. So, your first step is you seeking help with or without him.

I hope this at least begins to help you see that your problem is much more than just your husband looks at porn.

What To Take Away

Despite what society says, porn isn’t part of a healthy relationship. If your husband looks at porn (or you do), it’s damaging your relationship, even if you don’t think it is.

For the health of your relationship and the happiness of you both as couple (yes, he could be happier too), porn watching needs to stop.

So, if you're like Samantha, dealing with a husband who’s looking at porn, keep the following in mind:

You’re not wrong for wanting him to stop.
Porn viewing can destroy the intimacy crucial for a happy and satisfying relationship.
Porn will also set up unrealistic expectations for what a normal sex life looks like and can cause deep hurt and insecurity in a partner.
If he’s refusing or having a difficult time quitting, there are likely deeper issues that have to be dealt with.
A professional counselor who specializes in working with men can be a great help.
You don’t have to wait for your husband to agree to counseling, going on your own will be very helpful as well.

For those of you out there whose husbands also look at porn and can relate to Samantha, there’s hope.

If talking and explaining your feelings to your husband isn’t working, it’s time to seek professional help. Breaking a porn habit can be difficult and takes time. But with the patience of a caring partner and desire to change your behavior it can be done. This may not be him yet, but it can be with the right help.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 16, 2010, was updated on March 14, 2018 and November 27, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

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