6 Min Read
Contents
- Problems Watching Porn Can Cause In A Relationship
- Accepting That Your Boyfriend Watches Porn – Or Not
- What To Take Away
There are some issues that pose a serious problem to relationships – porn is one of them. So, if your boyfriend is watching porn there are reasons you should care.
No matter how well you get along there will be things about your partner that bother you. If your relationship is strong then most of these things can be handled or a compromise found.
But porn is one of those embarrassing and divisive subjects that many partners find too uncomfortable to talk about.
A lot of people (predominately men) watch porn. And because it’s become largely normalized in society, there’s pressure to accept it as something that’s okay and no big deal.
The truth is, however, if your boyfriend is watching porn (or husband) it can cause a number of issues and being concerned about their habit is valid.
Problems Watching Porn Can Cause In A Relationship
A strong relationship is built on love, trust, and respect. You each make yourselves vulnerable to one another and trust that you won’t intentionally hurt each other.
Unfortunately, we often do things unintentionally that can cause pain to our partner and break their trust. Watching porn is one of those things that your boyfriend could be doing that can hurt you and damage your relationship.
It feels like cheating
We all know that cheating on someone is a violation of trust and can destroy a relationship.
Many argue that watching porn isn’t the same thing as cheating, and therefore shouldn’t really pose a threat to a relationship in the same way.
One of the biggest problems with that argument is that although theoretically it seems logical, emotionally it falls short. Even though he hasn’t physically touched another woman, when your boyfriend watches porn it can feel just like he’s invited someone else into your relationship and bed.
If your boyfriend is watching porn and it feels like a betrayal of your trust, that feeling can follow you into other aspects of your relationship as well.
You may find yourself second guessing things like,
- What he’s doing on his phone
- Wondering why he’s spending so much time in the bathroom with the iPad
Those concerns can blossom into worries about possible cheating or affairs and lead to constant to arguing or fights.
These worries will ultimately drive a wedge further between you, leading to even bigger problems. Eventually these issues will compound and feel nearly impossible to overcome.
Self-esteem issues for women
Most of the women in porn aren’t representative of what a normal and natural woman looks like.
Breast augmentations, lifts (breast and butt), fillers, or just an unusually well-proportioned body, can leave many normal women feeling inadequate and embarrassed about their own bodies.
These feelings are not only detrimental to women psychologically, but they’ll also have a negative effect on the closeness and intimacy within the relationship. Boyfriends who watch porn can leave their partners feeling hurt and as though they don’t really measure up and fulfill their real desires.
Intimacy is crucial to a healthy relationship, and porn will destroy it.
But because porn’s something that has such a common place in society it can feel like if you’re not okay with it then there’s something wrong with you. You may feel like a prude or like you’re being unreasonable by being bothered by it. Therefore, it often goes unaddressed, eventually causing distance in the relationship and resentment.
Strain on your sex life
Porn sets up unrealistic expectations for what qualifies as normal sexual activity in bed.
The people in porn are paid to do things that are provocative, shocking, and extreme. The same way adventure movies show things that don’t occur in real life, like actors jumping off buildings and dodging bullets, porn shows behaviors that generally don’t occur in a typical sexual relationship.
Dr. Kurt has worked with many, many couples for whom porn has become a problem. He has seen the many problems porn can cause. According to him,
When your boyfriend watches porn it's actually like he's watching a twisted sex-ed film. But it doesn't lead to a healthy understanding of sex. And, sadly, porn is where most men learn about sex and how to be sexually intimate with a woman. Why is this a problem? The vast majority of porn is focused on pleasing the man, not both partners. It mostly portrays men's fantasies, not women's. Porn rewires the brain and produces a high similar to drugs like cocaine that is very addictive. Experiencing this high can become more desired and more important than being intimate with you. In other words, porn will replace you. You should care that your boyfriend watches porn because it will change him (or already has) and your relationship in ways that will deeply damage and even destroy it."
The point is that movies are fantasy - action-adventure, romcoms, and porn. But for some reason porn is often looked at like more of a documentary and watching it can create the desire for the things seen on the screen to occur in your real-life bed.
When those sexual escapades don’t happen, the repercussions can devastate a relationship. Women can feel inadequate, and men can develop a reliance on porn rather than their partner for sexual satisfaction.
All of this means that you should care and be concerned if your boyfriend is watching porn.
Accepting That Your Boyfriend Watches Porn – Or Not
Porn is a very sensitive and personal topic. Whether you accept that your boyfriend watches porn is something only you can decide.
There are, however, reasons why you should care about his porn habit and think long and hard before you decide if it’s okay with you.
So, ask yourself the following questions:
Does it bother you when your boyfriend watches porn?
People’s feelings about porn viewing vary widely. And within the opinions there are specific feelings people have about the place porn has in their relationship.
For instance, some women say they don’t care about porn in general, but they absolutely don’t want to watch it themselves or have a partner who watches it.
If you’re trying to decide if you should care that your boyfriend watches porn, take a minute to consider whether his watching truly bothers you. Remember, it’s okay if it does. There’s nothing wrong with feeling watching other people have sex isn’t for you and doesn’t belong in your relationship.
Do you want him to stop watching porn?
If it does bother you, does it bother you to the degree that you want (or need) him to stop?
As mentioned, there are things about any partner that will bug you but that you let slide.
Is porn one of them?
Keep in mind that even if it seems like no big deal right now, porn viewing can often chip away the intimacy and trust you’re trying to build.
If you want him to stop watching porn, being honest about your true feelings right away is important.
Are you hoping it will get better or go away on it’s own?
It won’t.
If you decide you don’t care that your boyfriend watches porn, know that it’s not one of those habits that he’ll eventually lose interest in.
In fact, his porn watching will likely just increase and can lead to addiction.
As time goes on and he becomes desensitized to certain images, he’ll start to look for things that are more and more extreme.
This can be a very slippery slope and you need to be prepared, because what you accept now may not be what you want to accept later.
So where do you draw the line?
Does he respect your feelings?
If you decide that you really are bothered by porn and you would like him to stop, will he?
Porn can have a profound effect on a woman’s self-esteem and as mentioned above, take a serious toll on the trust and intimacy in a relationship.
If you express your feelings to your boyfriend, or husband, and ask him to stop, he should respect your feelings enough to do so.
Contrary to what some would believe, porn isn’t a solo activity and it’s not a hobby. It isn’t the same as asking him to stop gaming or give up running. His habit affects you directly and he should be willing to do what’s best for the two of you as a couple.
Be careful to be completely honest with yourself. Women in newer relationships will often claim that porn doesn’t bother them. This can be especially true of younger women who are trying to be open and accepting of his sexuality and personal freedom.
What To Take Away
If your boyfriend is watching porn it can put you in a precarious position.
- Do you go along with it even if it makes you uncomfortable?
- Do you speak up and say something?
Should you even care?
The answer is yes, you should.
There are valid reasons why you should care if your boyfriend is watching porn, especially if you’re considering this relationship as one that has the potential to become permanent.
The boyfriend that watches porn will become the husband that watches porn, and a marriage can be a much harder ship to turn than a dating relationship.
So, keep the following in mind:
- Even though porn seems like a “normal” thing that all guys do, it’s not.
- Porn will eventually harm your relationship.
- Porn addiction is a very real problem that can be difficult to overcome. If your boyfriend watches porn he’s at risk of becoming addicted.
- You should never force yourself to accept something that makes you uncomfortable.
Many people feel embarrassed talking about sex, let alone porn. But the strongest relationships make a point to address the difficult topics and porn is in that category.
So, if your boyfriend is watching porn and you’re wondering if you should care and do something – you should.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 15, 2019 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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