How Porn Hurts Your Partner

6 Min Read

Contents

If She’s Not Involved, How Can Porn Hurt My Partner?
Porn Makes Partners Angry & Hurt
Porn Makes Women Feel Unattractive, Inadequate & Not Good Enough
Porn Makes Partners Feel Rejected, Disrespected & Unloved
What To take Away
Reader Comments (35+)

Part 3 of 3

It's very easy to think porn is simply a private activity and doesn't hurt anyone, but this isn’t true. The truth is porn hurts your partner, even if they’re unwilling to admit it or don’t realize it.

One of the things guys just don't consider when they’re looking at porn is how it could be affecting their partners.

Porn isn’t harmless.

If She’s Not Involved, How Can Porn Hurt My Partner?

One of the most common questions about porn men ask me is -- how can it hurt her when it has nothing to do with her?

That's a good question.

First, most women don't believe it doesn't have anything to do with them (as we'll see below).
Second, as I wrote about in the last article about how porn can be bad for you, porn changes us and those changes affect our partner too.
Lastly, porn changes our behavior and causes us to act in ways that aren’t respectful or loving.

I think the best way to understand the effect porn has and how it hurts our partners is to hear them tell us in their own words. Below are quotes from real women describing how their guy looking at porn has affected them.

Porn Makes Partners Angry & Hurt

Below are quotes from women who’ve contacted Guy Stuff looking for guidance on how to handle their partner’s porn habit.

I'm so mad, hurt, upset, feeling unappreciated and so many others. Every time I look at him I have flashbacks of it and the way he told me he was watching porn and it makes me sick to my stomach." -Janie

Here's one from a man.

My wife recently caught me watching porn (again), and is naturally very upset, especially because we had more than one conversation in the recent past about how awful porn is (which position I do believe, despite this event) and I said I would not do it again. Now, she feels hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken." -Scott

Porn isn’t generally a topic of regular conversation and those who watch it usually feel ashamed about it. This shame leads to porn habits being kept hidden. But hiding doesn’t work forever leaving many partners hurt because of the deception when they find out.

The secrecy in which porn is watched means when men are caught they'll almost always deny and lie about it. If they do admit it, then they’ll typically promise never to do it again, but most often they won't keep that promise.

This repetitive pattern of lying and promise breaking fuels the hurt and anger of partners even more.

Porn Makes Women Feel Unattractive, Inadequate & Not Good Enough

Let’s look at some additional ways porn can hurt the partners of those who watch it.

I am hurting so bad. Every few months things would get me down, hardly having sex, him never climaxing from sex, always me making the first move. I have always known he watches porn, I am open minded and did not mind. Once I saw some emails from chat sites, I was really hurt, when I asked he said they were from years ago and dint even know the passwords, he was upset and I believed him, now I'm not so sure. This is because 7 or 8 months later I have realized and found out that he is making up excuses all the time not too have sex, then the minute I'm out the door puts porn on, so basically he is rejecting me and SAVING himself for porn.... Once I let myself acknowledge this it has killed me inside. I want to leave so bad. I feel so ugly, and worthless. All my happiness and hope that I have had (first time in a lot of years) it has all gone! My feelings have took me by surprise, I wasn't aware I would feel so devastated, and feel so negative towards him." -Holly

I've looked at the pictures he had been looking at and I start to think I'm not good enough or that he fantasizes about being with these young, pretty girls that have something my partner wants but I don't have. I have low self-esteem so it's hard for me to think of my partner looking at pictures of other girls. I think that sometimes the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with me when I try and come onto him is because he's already sorted himself out by looking at these photos of young, pretty women. Then I feel like he would prefer to 'sort himself out' by imagining different scenarios that involve these girls he's been looking at rather than having me right in front of him? I can't always help it sometimes, as I was treated badly in the past by ex partners who all led me to believe I was never good enough, pretty enough, special enough for anyone, and I still have that little bit of doubt in my head that I'm not quite good enough." -Tanya

Every one of us has insecurities about how we look, and this is especially true for women. It's hard for men to really truly understand the pressure our culture puts on women about their appearance.

Unfortunately, porn just multiplies these self-doubts as partners compare themselves to the 'perfect' images in porn. This is one of the biggest ways porn hurts partners so much.

Porn Makes Partners Feel Rejected, Disrespected & Unloved

Yes, there are still more ways porn hurts partners. I am worried he does not love me, that he looks at porn on his phone, that he desires other women, that he lusts after them and I am just a fill in for his physical needs as who knows where his mind is. I have been patient in hard times but I am very jealous and insecure about what he may do when he is at work or outside smoking while on his phone for 20 minutes at a time. It upsets me, I feel dirty and lost to think he wants others. My anxiety goes through the roof and my heart hurts. I can't seem to let this go and I am tortured daily." -Jo

I just don't understand what it is he doesn't get when I say that I feel deeply hurt when he finds the need to watch porn than to engage sex with me." -Sonia

He has always had a thing for porn, and I'm ok with it to a point. But for the past couple of years he has spent more and more time with it. He especially enjoys the cam sites, he enjoys them so much that he had forgotten my last birthday 3 days past but had spent all those days on the cam site. I was hurt but then again I have grown to just expect it from him. I have tried to be involved with him as far as the porn goes, but he didn't seem to get enjoyment from me watching it with him. Our sex life is good it was great in the beginning, but after awhile it has got me feeling self conscious and I know that it has to show." -Natasha

None of the men I've counseled about porn addiction have intended to reject, disrespect, or not love their partners. But regardless of their intent, this is a common effect of porn and one of the most painful for partners.

What To take Away

Porn isn’t the victimless indulgence that most men believe it to be. As evidenced above, it’s clear that porn truly has a detrimental impact on the partner of someone who becomes attached or addicted to it.

If you watch porn even on what you consider to be a limited basis, keep the following in mind:

Watching porn can lead to a decrease in emotional intimacy.
It also leads to unrealistic expectations about sexual intimacy.
Porn causes feelings of insecurity, as a partner may perceive themselves as inadequate compared to the images in porn.
Trust issues are common when porn’s a factor in a relationship due to secretive behavior.
Even if you don’t realize it, porn will change your behavior in ways that can leave your partner feeling disrespected and unloved.

I hope you can now begin to see how porn hurts partners.

As impactful as these real-life stories can be, reading them may not be enough to get someone to stop. The pull if porn can just too powerful to overcome that easily.

It should be noted that, although it’s generally men who watch porn, women can and do watch it as well. And in these cases, male partners may end up feeling just as hurt as female partners do.

However, I hope this series of articles about the dangers of porn can at least begin to change how you think about it, especially how porn hurts your partner.

This is the last of a 3-part series about looking at porn's impact. Be sure to learn more by reading the first 2 articles that give help for a porn addiction and look at if porn is bad for the guys who view it.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 11, 2016, and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.