FEELING
STUCK?

Anger Problems Take our FREE Husband Rater Quiz! Take a Quiz

follow Guy Stuff

Guy Stuff's Counseling Men Blog shares real stories from our counseling sessions, giving practical solutions and answers to the challenges men and women face.

Follow the Guy Stuff Blog Follow Guy Stuff on Twitter Follow Guy Stuff on Facebook Connect with Guy Stuff on LinkedIn

subscribeSubscribe by Email

Your email:

Browse by Topic

Browse by Topic

Got a Question

Have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? 
Submit your question here and we'll try to answer it in an up coming post. Please keep in mind that we get a lot of questions and are limited in how many we can answer. (Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed above so you'll get our answer as soon as it's published.)

Blog Privacy Notice

All the stories, people, and quotes described in this blog are real.  However, people's names and biographical details have been changed to conceal their identity and protect their privacy.

Counseling Men Blog
Advice for men – and the women who love them!

Current Articles | RSS Feed RSS Feed

My Husband Doesn't Love Me - 5 Things You Can Do About It

Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Apr 28, 2010
  
  
  
  
  

My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore - 5 Tips for WivesPart 1 of 2

If you're feeling that your husband doesn't love you anymore, you may be right.  A lot of husbands, and wives, are not "in love" with their partners.  However, most men have told me that this doesn't mean they don't love their wives, they're just not "in love" with them. 

A husband told me last week in my counseling with men that he loves his wife "as a mom, but not as a wife."

So what can you do to get your husband to love you again?  Here are a few suggestions.

  1. UNCONDITIONAL Make your love of your husband unconditional.  Don't make it dependent upon his loving you.  When most of us feel unloved, it makes us resentful and angry.  This can have the negative affect of making us less attractive, which contributes to our partners loving us even less.  It also causes us to make our loving our partners conditional on them loving us first. (Note-Unconditional love doesn't mean accepting abuse.  If your partner is emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive, set limits on accepting this behavior while you love him)
  2. RESPECT This is a core need for men.  When men don't feel respected, they don't feel loved.  Like all of us, when we don't feel loved by someone, it's harder for us to them love back.  Look for ways that you can show your husband respect.  Such as asking for his input on a decision, including him in what's going on with the kids, or letting him handle things he's good at.
  3. Coming . . . The 3 remaining tips will be published next week.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the last 3 things you can do to get him to love you again (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

Take a look at this article about another wife who feels that her husband doesn't love her: How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore.

* This is the first article of two on 5 things you can do when you feel my husband doesn't love me anymore.  The 3 remaining tips will be published next week.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the last 3 things you can do to get him to love you again (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

Husband Rater QuizHow to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).

Tags: , , ,

Comments

I hate it when counselors and help-websites talk about respecting your husband. Well, I don't know how to respect my husband. I guess I never learned how. I understand how to "respect your elders" and "respect someone's property and space", but how do i respect my husband. I just don't know how to do it. Can someone give concrete examples on what to do? What respect looks like? I am certain that is one major problem in our marriage is that I don't respect him. I have been disappointed in him so many times...maybe that's my problem. I have wrong expectations of him. Either way, I don't know what to do to change how I think of him. I assume that's necessary to have respect for him. Can anyone tell me how to respect my husband?
Posted @ Sunday, October 10, 2010 9:06 AM by Angie
Out of curiousity, do you provide this identical advice to us male clients? Is it also our job or responsibility to start providing unconditional love, or is it dependent on our partners making the first step? My wife was very frustrated when we recently attended our first counselling session... despite both of us saying we were equally at fault in our current issues and the therapist agreeing, only my wife was given "homework" and/or behavioural changes, much like the ones you outlined above, and a couple of others. I can, apparently, just keep keeping on the way I am. Is this common practice within the therapy community? If so, could you explain the theory behind this choice and reasoning? Thanks
Posted @ Friday, April 20, 2012 10:19 AM by m
M, You'll have to ask your therapist their reasoning for the homework. If you both have got changes you need to make, then I doubt that your wife will be the only one with homework. Probably just started there, but won't end there.  
 
As far as the advice in this post, yes it does apply equally to both partners. Although some aspects, such as respect, men need more than women; women need love more. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 9:25 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I respect my husband. I try my best not to say anything that will upset him. And everything I say upsets him. He'd rather I didn't speak. He cannot be told he is wrong. I don't know what to do. I don't feel my husband doesn't love me "any more". I feel as if he never did and I'm just slow and it took me 15 years to figure it out.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 01, 2012 12:45 PM by Heidi
@Heidi 
 
I don't believe respect has anything to do with not upsetting him by saying something he doesn't want to hear, but then I'm not a counselor, just a husband myself with marital problems like anyone else. 
 
I do need respect from my wife, more than she does. She needs my emotional side the most, she's very demanding like that. But I would explain "respect" to be more inline with honoring what he does or who he is, or at least place a value on it. Personally, I work 60 hours a week, and I want my wife to respect my time and efforts for our family. I want to feel there's a value on that. If she demeaned or didn't care about the things I did, I would feel disrespected.  
 
So again, I don't think not saying something to your husband to not upset him really qualifies for "respect", in less of course you're holding back discouraging or demeaning comments.
Posted @ Friday, May 04, 2012 9:33 AM by Ken
I try so hard to show an interest in his hobbies but I just am not. I thought its better to be honest in our marriage than lie and say that something he's done is wonderful when it's not. It's not that I think he doesn't love me he told me so in a phone call from overseas. I'm shattered and don't know what to do.
Posted @ Sunday, May 06, 2012 3:45 AM by L McCorkell
Ken, Thanks for sharing. You make some good points and I hope help Heidi and other women understand more where men are coming from. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012 1:41 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
L McCorkell, Try the suggestions under respect in the blog post, as well as what Ken above suggests. Talking to a counselor for more specific suggestions is another option.-Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012 1:43 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Thank you for the helpful comments but now how do I get my husband to talk to me. He is still overseas and the only communication I've had is him telling me that he loves me but isn't in love with me and doesn't want " to do us anymore" . I can't ring him because I'm so devastated and am not making any sense but friends have said he's clear and quite adamant that we're over. Is there any hope because I don't want to lose my 20 year marriage
Posted @ Wednesday, May 09, 2012 5:28 AM by Lou
@L McCorkell 
 
My wife and I really aren't interested in each other's hobbies either, and really more than that; Hobbies, music, religion, etc. We don't share the same interests in many things. But that's not to say I don't appreciate or respect her perspective, her interests, etc. It really has taken years for us to come to this point, to be honest though. For the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage, she would just get upset every time I disagree or have a different view point, or if I went off to do my own thing that didn't include here. Through these last 5 years, she's really come around to understand more that we can appreciate each other for our differences, and it's actually gotten MUCH better around the house with her. I don't know specifically how or what she changed, but I've had to work with her almost the whole way. 
 
I think you're confusing what respect might actually be. In my opinion, you don't have to be interested in his hobbies, those are his and probably his personal getaway/space, but you can still respect HIM. 
 
I can only guess at this point, at the problems you're having. Is your marriage difficulties due to him desiring you to be involved in his hobbies? 
 
I'm just trying to talk with you and give you another perspective. I'm not a counselor and I don't mean to offend.
Posted @ Monday, May 14, 2012 8:28 AM by Ken
@Lou 
I don't think you can make your husband of 20 years talk to you. You need to discover why he's fallen out of love with you, or why he wants to pursue a life without you. I think that much he owes you after 20 years.  
 
It's possible that you may need to accept that he doesn't want to continue the marriage. Either way, you should probably seek professional counseling for yourself. 
 
There's too much I don't know to offer advice. I feel like I'd be assuming too much.
Posted @ Monday, May 14, 2012 8:57 AM by Ken
Lou, Be patient, give him some space and don't push the matter with him, and get some guidance from a counselor. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, May 18, 2012 8:15 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Post Comment
Name
 *
Email
 *
Website (optional)
Comment
 *

Allowed tags: <a> link, <b> bold, <i> italics