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How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore


How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me AnymorePart 1 of 3

Carrie's husband came home after closing a big sale and said let's take the kids out to dinner.  So she loaded everyone into her car and waited for Al.  When he sat down in the passenger seat, he erupted

Al lit into her like a machine gun -- "How many times have I told you . . . ?"  "Your car always smells like . . ." "You're so . . ."

Carrie had forgotten that her dirty gym clothes were still sitting on the passenger side floor.  She says Al doesn't like her leaving them in her car.  As she recalled the event days later, and in a moment of clarity in my office, she stated that it is her car, not his.

Nevertheless, that night she sat in the car paralyzed as he unloaded on her.  Their 6 and 10 year old kids sat silently in the back seat.  They all eventually got to the restaurant, but Al didn't get any nicer and their 6 year old son cried through most of the meal.

At her next counseling session she told me some of her thoughts:

  • He doesn't love me
  • I want to take care of my children and be happy
  • He doesn't care about his family
  • I don't have the ability to help (him)
  • I can't take this way of life anymore
  • He needs help
  • I am done

Sadly, Carrie has been thinking these thoughts for quite a while.  Even sadder is the fact that she's far from alone.  A lot of wives have marriages that look something like hers and they have many of the same thoughts too.

Carrie doesn't know how to save her marriage.  She's been married to Al for 14 years, and even though it wasn't like this in the beginning, it's been like this for a long time.  She's thought about marriage counseling for years, but never went until now.

In what ways can you relate to Carrie?  Does your marriage, or maybe a friend's, look something like this?  Share a thought with other readers and let them know they're not alone.

* This is the first of three posts examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do to save her marriage.  In the next post we'll take a look at her husband and try to understand what's happening for him in this marriage.  Finally, in the third post we'll look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage.  Sign-up for this blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss any parts of this story (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

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i've becomoe very jealous and suspicious of my husband after 19 yrs of marriage. I think just insecurity because i'm getting older and he doesn't look at me the way he used to. This is tearig our marriage apart and i can't get a hold of this feeling, it always urns into anger towards him. How can I stop my anger?
Posted @ Tuesday, June 07, 2011 11:56 PM by bluetears
She is definitely not alone.
Posted @ Monday, July 25, 2011 12:53 PM by Lee Black
My husband told me 2 weeks ago he is not in love with me anymore. He says he hates his life. He says he would rather die than have to deal with anything. He is always nice to other people and very abrupt and calls me names and makes me feel bad alot of the time. When he does this I cannot be intimate with him and now he doesn't want to be intimate with me and says everything is my fault. He doesn't feel loved because of this. I love my husband with all my heart and soul but this is wearing me down. He is very indesicive he is bored with his life, he thinks he doesn't have any friends. Just sits and surfs the web. I asked him if he wants to save this marriage which is really a yes or no answer in my thoughts. He says he doesn't care. I asked him if he wants to leave and one day he does the next day he wants me to leave and then the next day he kisses me pasionately before he goes to work then the next day nothing. He won't talk about his true feelings. When he doesn't talk I try to but then I only get upset he is being very evasive. Says if I am not happy to do something about it. He is worried about money all the time and there is no need. I asked him if he was having an affair and he says no. I aksed him if he wanted to and he says maybe. I wrote him a letter so I can get out what I am feeling without the emotions and he just ignores that I have done it. I flew to Toronto the other day and texted I have landed love you have a great day. Then I thought well that might be too much pressure so i texted him back and said you do not have to say it back...so he didn't. We have always told each other we love each other anytime we have left each other and did up until the day before he said he is not in love with me anymore. Then it has been like a switch he has just turned off. He says he finds me attractive but does not want to have sex with me. He keeps pushing me away, we haven't had the best marriage for the last couple years as he has been so angry and then my temper rises but then we make up because we do love each other even though he is lost right now I believe he does love me. He has had 3 jobs in the last 6 years. He is an electrician. He likes then for the first little while then everyone there are assholes and they don't like him because he is not one of the gang or he is French or whatever excuse he finds. I have always stood behind him in whatever he wants to do. He can make my day an absolute hell because I am cleaning keeping out of his way not asking him to to help bt busying myself as we are having people over that night or something and he gets so angry with me becasue I am cleaning, he has told me because he feels guilty because he is not helping to which I say help then and then he will go off on a tangent that that is what I wanted all the time yada yada yada and then gets so pissed on this particular occasion punched his work laptop and busted it, but when the first guest arrives you would never have known anything was wrong. I have asked him why he can be so nice to others and be so mean and miserable to me and he says because I piss him off. I am an intelligent, attractive, funny woman and I am feeling like I just can't do anything right anymore. I think he is depressed and has been for awhile and I have either chose to ignore it or never saw it but I certainly do now. I do not know aht to do to help him or myself for that matter.
Posted @ Saturday, September 24, 2011 4:10 AM by Candice
I am looking for advice. My husband of 18 years admitted that he was flirting with another woman over the last month and isn't sure he wants to stay in our relationship. He said its not because of this other woman but can't explain it. So he cannot imagine his life without me and our kids but isn't sure he wants to be here. He l
Posted @ Sunday, November 06, 2011 3:44 PM by Allison
No relationship is ever easy but having an angry, unhappy husband can be soul-crushing. Until he gets the wisdom, strength and courage to deal with his underlying issues, you must try to strengthen yourself. Be patient (very patient) and be brave.
Posted @ Thursday, December 15, 2011 11:28 PM by christy
This sounds so much like my marriage. I'm lost. Why has he stopped loving me? Why is he so mean all of a sudden?
Posted @ Wednesday, February 08, 2012 1:09 PM by Jen
My husband of 10 years started acting weird about 18 months. He hangs out drinking and not telling me where he is and has recently said he doesnt have feelings for me. We have two children and he admits that he loves me and thinks I'm a great wife and mother, he just doesn't feel for me the way he used to. He is rude to me in house and doesn't show me any affection unless he is drinking. I asked him to leave b/c I am tired of the stress of wondering if he he will come home or not. He has to respect our house. He doesn't want to work on the marriage with counseling or seek individual help. How can someone absolutely adore someone for 18 years and then decide one day that they don't want to fight for their marriage. I thought he was cheating, b/ c he has all the symptoms of a cheater, but he convincingly says he is not and for some reason, I believe him. Maybe that is the first problem.  
He has always been such a great father and husband and now he acts as if being with me is the worse thing ever. He used to be very spiritual and now he doesn't meditate at all. He avoids most of his friends and doesn't like going to our friends gatherings.  
Is it something I can do or change in me to help this situation or is there a problem with him? What makes a man change like this almost overnight? Pleas advise...
Posted @ Monday, February 13, 2012 4:11 AM by Leslie
I've lived in a non marriage for 45 years. We had sex once then husband decided he thought it was discusting, boring and not worth the effort. From that day till now he's ignored me and to him I don't exist. He lives in the basement and I upstairs, works the midnight shift. We haven't really talked for years.
Posted @ Monday, February 27, 2012 7:42 PM by Amy
Candice and Leslie, Your husbands sound like they're having a midlife crisis. Take a look at the posts under the topic Midlife Crisis for more help. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 13, 2012 5:39 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I identify with all of you. My husband is igoring me. When I call him out on it he goes off on me. He refused to link in with anything domestic and I feel like he expects me to do it all. Again, when I bring it up he gets angry. I stand up for myself and that just seems to make it worse. He finally told me last year he didn't "think" he was in love with me any more. In December he said the same thing... Now more recently he told me he wants to feel better and he cannot do that with me around. Really? your miserable life if MY FAULT? I am leaving the house next monht. It is too painful to be in a house and be ignored than live alone in a house. He is nuts because I am taking half of the income. He will loose the house for sure. The house I helped him get so he could get custody of his child in order to provide a better education. His son will be a senior next year. I understand we need to learn how to communicate better... however, he will not go to counseling (which we have tried). He gives up and I cannot make him try. He said maybe in time his feelings will change but he makes no promises. I am hurt and angry.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 11, 2012 10:29 AM by D
Deb, Thanks for sharing. You're right that you cannot make him, but there are other things that you can do to force change. Get some counseling support for yourself. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, April 18, 2012 12:32 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Im very hurt and confused, and im to scared to say anything bc then im scared that he will forsure file papers. We were married Nov. 5th 2010. He told me he couldn't handle our marriage anymore on sep. 21 2011. He said he was sick of me not being able to work. My mom died suddenly in may 2011 I was 28yrs old. it killed me, I always dreamed of her watching me get married, having kids. We have been seperated living in the same house in sep rooms 7 months. He wanted to try to work it out in dec, it only lasted 4 days! He had to have a hip replacement a yr before we met in 08. I had to have both hips replaced a month after my mom died at 29 I have lupus. long story short we both got hooked on pain pills we went to treatment in aug for help a month later he wanted out. we haven't give to marriage consoling and he has only went to pick up the papers.what confuses me is im not on any of the bills or the house. He hasn't ask me to leave and when he goes out once in a few weeks we have sex. but when hes down he leaves and goes into his room! That breaks me. We eat together go places. im so confused! He acts like he is for certain his mind is up. Im to scared to talk to him about going to consoling, pls be kind I know if I can't tell him he won't know but ive cried and cried to wear he doesn't care if I cry. I don't want to push him to file. Im very hurt and love him with all my heart. Pls help me!
Posted @ Saturday, April 21, 2012 9:18 PM by Amanda
Amanda, Go to counseling by yourself to start. You can tell him or not, but just go for yourself. You'll get support and help that you really need right now. The best thing you can do to save your marriage is to go to counseling and lean what you can change about yourself - it will make you more attractive. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 9:41 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Last night my husband of 23 yrs told me he doesn't love me and doesn't think he ever did love me. He doesn't think he wants to try to work things out. He feelshe doesn't really know himself and he can't find himself in the context of our marriage. I feel so powerless, as if he controls my destiny. I have known our marriage was less than what a good one looks like but as we were preparing to talk, I was looking into ways to improve our lives together. We do have an appointment to see a counselor in two week and he is waiting to hear what this woman has to say before he decides what he is going to do as if she will tell him to stay or go. I made a list of things that we could incorporate into our lives and I would imagine that any counselor would give us a similar list to try before jumping ship. I layin bed all night weeping. I can't imagine my life without him. I am so very sad to think that he has never loved loved me. That I have spent 23 yrs of my life in a lie
Posted @ Wednesday, May 02, 2012 9:02 AM by Bizzy
Bizzy, Glad to hear that you're going to a counselor for help. Give it a little time to produce results. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, May 31, 2012 8:52 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Sometimes no matter how hard you try,If that person does nto love you anymore. you can not force him to love with you .
Posted @ Wednesday, June 20, 2012 4:35 PM by Peace
Peace, Very wise comment. You're right, we can't force another person to love us. Thanks for sharing. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, July 02, 2012 7:37 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Well after two months of me pouring my heart Nd soul into our marriage, two things happened. I fell deeply back in love with my husband and two, he moved out today. 
I still believe if he were to try what I tried, namely acting as if he loved me and giving of himself his feelings would have changed but he wasn't really willing to try 
I am even more heartbroken than before 
Posted @ Monday, July 02, 2012 8:44 PM by Bizzy
I need advice. My husband and I have been married for 2 years now, and he is away for 12 months, he has been gone for 2 months and I found out that he has been having an affair for thoes 2 months, I have been handling this situation very well and have forgiven them both. My husband has not been happy in our marriage or himself for a while now and I take full responsiblty for his unhappiness in our marriage. I have been struggling with bouts of unhappiness and depression most of the time. I have been working on me, but here lies my biggest problem now, I am commited to my husband, I love him with all of my heart and now he says when he gets back that he wants a divorce and that he loves and cares for me,but is not IN LOVE with me anymore. He said he needs some space to find his inner happiness and I am willing to give that to him, even though it is hard, with our physical distance and the infedelity. So, how do I make him fall back in love with me? Please help, I want to do what is right for him, my family and myself.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 17, 2012 4:44 PM by Amanda
To add to my comment. I am in counseling for myself. another question how to I help him facilitate coming back to me, since there is such distance and if he says he isnt IN LOVE with me anymore. I told him today that I hope that one day he will love me again, and his response was "just don't force it" should I take hope in this or am I just fooling myself? 
Thank you and am sorry for going on.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 17, 2012 4:54 PM by Amanda
Amanda, Good job on getting into counseling. You're on the right track. Just focus on changing and improving yourself for right now and give he time and space. At some point there will be a time for the two of you to go to counseling together to discuss and determine how to fix and change your relationship. But for now, focus on becoming a better you and better wife. Best wishes. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, July 18, 2012 7:53 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My partner can not communicate with me. He says he loves me and is sexually attracted to me but he will not talk to me about anything. Everything is superficial about our relationship. When I ask about couples counseling he says no... I thought about going on my own but he's not okay with that either.  
I am pregnant and a stay at home mother of our 2 children. He works and makes the money. We are not legally married so I can't just do what I want with the money. He thinks it's ridiculous and I should just deal with my unhappiness. We have gotten into huge fights where he has left saying he'll never come back and he always does.  
He says I'm to sensitive and he doesn't care to even try and listen. When I ask him if he thinks we should still be together he says he doesn't know. I ask him if he want's to he says he doesn't know. I ask him if he loves me and he says he doesn't just love me that he is in love with me still. He is always angry and will never open up to me. He holds everything in and I'm getting so tired of being the one to sacrifice my self for him. Some days I just don't want to get up and even have thoughts of hurting my self. I am so lonely. And feel stuck.
Posted @ Sunday, July 22, 2012 12:14 AM by Alejandra
Alejandra, If you're feeling so alone that you have thoughts of hurting yourself, call a crisis hotline to talk to someone. You can find the numbers on Google and there's someone always available 24/7. -Kurt 
Posted @ Monday, August 13, 2012 8:16 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Try to save my marriage.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 14, 2012 6:33 PM by vonda stom
my husband and i are married since 2010 we have two handsome little boys,but he had cheated on me last year with his Ex .... he told me it wasnt because he doesnt love me no more it was becasue while i was pregnat and he couldnt hadle my mood swings (i had both babys short after the other) but ever since he cheated on me wich i still struggle with i got that feeling that he is only with me because he is scared i would leave him, and move back to the uk with our 2 sons , i can be a total a-hole but i would never let that happen i want him to be a father and i truely love him with all my heart but he treats me like trash, he dosent kiss me no more or else , he is ice cold but when i ask him why he is like that he gets mad and starts insulting me ... he is always mad , always ... the other day he drove his "friend" home and i got mad because like i said he cheated and im still scared that he would do it again . instead of being nice he was getting mad . i hate my life right now im only deal with all that b-s because of my kids ....  
Posted @ Wednesday, August 29, 2012 3:11 PM by KatVanM
KatVanM, You need to more seriously think about what you're allowing your boys to learn by accepting this relationship. There are ways to change it without leaving it. You should get some professional counseling to give those a try. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, September 05, 2012 12:54 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
i think its horrible I dont know how someone can just fall out of love with you when all you do is love them and always be there when they neeed you i was dating my boyfriend for about 7 months in the middle of are relationship i felt like things were changing never wanted to talk on the phone or shype which he would always want to i would give him space we didnt talk much on the phone because we both had busy scedules bt we would talk on the phone and go out on dates we lives 45 mintues away from each other and still managed to keep the relationship work out when one day i didnt find my self as i was i do love him bt it wasnt enough he changed a lot so he made me feel different about him so one day he came over we talked and broke up and i tried to save are relationship but it wasnt the same so we ended everything now he says it my fault that he cant trust anyone but hes in a relationship so i dont get it
Posted @ Monday, October 01, 2012 9:07 PM by andrea
My husband told me he doesn't love me anymore. He says he loves the other woman. Been seeing her for 10 years boy was I shocked I've been with him a tatol of 50 years. I want to leave to ny and take care of me. But he does not want me to go tony he wants me to stay here. Totally confuse. But there's more pros then cons in y I shoul leave I hurt so much sometimes I feel my heart will stop beating. Need advise help 
Posted @ Saturday, November 03, 2012 11:25 PM by Mary
Ladies!!!! I feel your pain. I am four years post divorce and heard all the same stuff and it was horrible and painful. I suspected an affair but he claimed that it was not the case. Finally, after months of his verbal abuse and devaluing I cracked his Facebook account while he was out of town. Turned out he and his lover where together and were dialoging via Facebook email about thier sexual encounter on the plane trip and what they wanted to do when they got to the hotel (in graphic detail). He actually had me drop him at the airport that day and kissed me on the cheek. I know now that he was really saying F U. It was well known that i had cracked his account as i broadcasted from his page where he was and who he was with. several of his friends chimmed in and asked why he was telling the world what they already knew. i informed them that it was not him but his wife and the response was "oh hey". when he returned home he claimed he still was not having an affair. I moved out of the house and filed for divorce. Best choice I ever made :-). Our 13 yr old son now almost 17 is much happier too. In hindsight it is clear to me now that it was not good for me to stay committed to someone for the sake of our child or the "marriage". Ladies - a man that loves and respects you does not say those things or leave all of life's responsibilities on your lap while he wallows in selfpity for the life and love he does not have. A woman that loves herself will not tolerate this behavior and will explore how she got there and how to not to go there again. I know easier said than done. I did it and while my life is much improved I am still working through the emotional pain but came to realize that I picked this person and they picked me at a certain point in my life. i made a choice based upon my knowledge and understanding at that point. That knowledge and understanding has changed and so have I. There is no reason in heaven or hell why anyone should stay in an abusive marriage. There is so much more to life than just surviving.
Posted @ Thursday, November 29, 2012 11:28 PM by Heatherlea
I am 27 and am having problems in my marriage. My husband and I dated for seven years before we married while I finished my doctorate. He is several years older than me and had started his (now extremely successful) career for five years before I got out of school.. In the meantime the economy has went to hell and I, along with half if the others I graduated with, have not been able to find steady work in our field. We married two years ago when I was heading towards a successful career and was gainfully employed, but right before the wedding my department was laid off. Within the time period between the layoff and the wedding I became very depressed. I didn't hustle making sure the house was clean, I didn't have dinner ready, I pretty much wanted to look for work and otherwise- well, I was never cut out to be a housewife. At the point right before the wedding I confronted my husband about his growing lack of intimacy with me. He explained that at least if I wasn't working somewhere that the house should be in better shape and I should be working at losing weight (since I am in fact overweight). We got married and had a lot of things going on for the next year. By that time I felt like I was doing more around the house to where he could at least not worry about the house when he came home from work. Then six months ago I found a job, we worked separate shifts so we hardly saw each other during the week but it seemed like he actually missed me and was happier. I was happier too. I love to work, to be challenged and valued, but unfortunately that just ended last month. I have been helping my family out for the past few weeks and have been away. I returned tonight to a husband that had no affection for me and really didn't seem like he missed me much. I asked him about it and he basically told me that he felt I was going to fall into the same pattern that I was in before and that my problem is motivation to be fit and a good housewife. He doesn't begrudge me for not having a job, and I believe him, but because of this, he finds me unattractive - and of course being overweight. I don't want to sink into another depression like during my last period of unemployment but it feels like I'm slipping because the man I care most about doesn't find me attractive or respect me because of the way that I act while I'm unemployed. I'm worried that even though I haven't acted this way after being unemployed this most recent time,I will do it again or it is some basic part of me that my husband is now just discovering that he doesn't want. But I don't want him to be saddled with someone that has so many detractors, he could do much better, this whole thing makes Me depressed and I feel like it is sparking a vicious cycle that will end up in resentment or divorce if I can't stop it. Does anyone have any ideas?
Posted @ Wednesday, December 05, 2012 2:09 AM by Lee Craig
We just passed our 9th anniversary, and five years without intimacy. I have a demanding yet sedentary job and fibromyalgia, so I'm not the "hottie" I was at 34. I've repeatedly offered him an uncontested divorce, but he never takes me up on it. One day he barely speaks to me, and the next day I come home to a huggy-kissy spouse who's cleaned the house and prepared lobster for two. We had a family Christmas brunch the other day and both my sister and brother commented on how curt and rudely he treated me. I can't do anything right, and he waits for opportunities to chastise me over the smallest details (a drop of coffee on the floor, there's a cat hair on the sofa). He wad forced into retirement after 30 years with his company, and I wonder if he lashes out at me because he feels useless. Either way, I never know who I'll meet when I get home; Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde. I cry a lot and talk to my brother a lot. Im 48 and terrified of starting over at my age. I don't fear being alone, but I do fear the very real possibility of being alone forever. It's a living hell to love someone who doesn't reciprocate.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 26, 2012 8:58 PM by Brita McConaghy
Im so glad I'm not alone. Imn29;years old. Me and my husband have been together for 9 years, been married for 3. We have a two year old daughter together. A year and a half ago we've been experiencing issues in our relationship. My husband never really paid attention to me, which bothered me all the time which made react to him in a horrible way. I was always annoyed with him and the things he would do. I felt he really didn't think I was important and hardly spent quality time with each other which mad eke resent him. Based on my behavior he reacted with resentment. We would always argue, lack of sex. When I wanted to fix the marriage he didn't budge. Then he wanted to fix it and I didn't huge because I was so caught up in my anger. How stupid of me now I realize what I'm losing. Now he says hes very unhappy with me and the marriage and wants out. He says he loves me but is not in love with me. He says he rather us be parents for right now. He feels that maybe down the line, in the future if it happens, then it happens, right now he doesn't care for the marriage. I still love him and don't want to lose him. How should I act around him without making resent me?
Posted @ Friday, January 04, 2013 12:49 PM by Tammy
Tammy, You cannot control how he feels, so don't try to control whether or not he resents you. Act caring around him, but not accepting of behavior that is unloving. I'd ask him to go to counseling together to learn how to be better parents, not to save the marriage. The marriage problems will arise once you're there. If he refuses, go without him, often men will come along if you follow through and really go. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, January 19, 2013 9:47 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
like my marriage of 14 years I'm lost. Why has he stopped loving me? Why is he so mean all of the time ? He is always angry and spends lots of time alone in his room when we are with no kids what can I do to change is anger torward me.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 4:00 PM by T
You will survive trust me I did....
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 5:48 PM by Miracles happen
My husband acted the same way you have described and he was cheating on me! Get out or get counseling a.s.a.p. and yes you will survive alone.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 06, 2013 7:03 PM by Gayla
Dont tell this woman who is already hurting, to kiss up to her unloving husband. She is hurting enough as it is. Tell her to get a hobby, get a job, hang with her female freinds. All her mom and chat with her. Do not beg him or act needy. Dont let him see you sweat. Be cool and keep yourself busy. Blog on the intenet. 
most of all do not sleep with him while he is sleeping with another woman. That would be disrespecting and cheapening yourself.  
Tell him that he will need to go to counseling if he wants to save the marriage. Do not be desperate. 
Be cool girl and I will pray for you and all my sisters in the female gender, until we can realize that men do not love us like we love them. We need to be strong and love ourselves, before we love a man. That is the main problem of women. Really!!
Posted @ Friday, September 06, 2013 10:34 PM by Pam in the Valley
It's amazing, so many of the stories could be my own. My husband lashes out at me just about every day. He huffs and puffs and sighs throughout the day. And that's a good day. He says he's lonely, bored etc. He goes off on me all the time about every little thing, from what kind of TV I watch, which he calls violence porn. I'm a big mystery buff and I love puzzle solving. I love films in general. I have a degree in Film/ pre and post production.I'm a movie nerd. I've taken to waiting til he goes to sleep or when he's gone to watch the shows I like and he doesn't. Anytime we are watching TV together he talks throughout, he is constantly going on about Jews in media, which really bothers me. It's like he's trying to ruin my enjoyment. I've asked him to stop, I've told him how much it bothers me, but he does it anyway.  
Our entire marriage my husband has sought the company of other women. He says it means nothing to him but sex and he loves young bodies.He just wants to enjoy a young body before he gets old. He talks to me like I'm his bro or something. I don't want to hear about it. He feels guilty, he knows it hurts me. He tells me about it to alleviate his own conscious. It tears me apart. He's done this from the start of our relationship. I should have run screaming for the hills. I thought, like any young woman, that he would change, he'd see what a beautiful and amazing person I was and wouldn't want these skanks anymore. Boy was I wrong. You wouldn't believe the women he's been with, one was a heroine junkie. 
For years I was in pain over this, He still goes out looking or putting up ads on craigslist. But, he's older now and he doesn't have the luck he once did. I am a beautiful woman and I used to have a very strong libido. But over the past few years I have gone numb. He wants only one thing from me. He wants sex. It doesn't matter if I feel like it or not, which I don't most of the time. but, I relent and usually just satisfy him so he will leave me alone. I feel self conscious about my body and I can't help it, I think about all the women he's been with during our marriage. It runs like a movie reel through my head. 
and I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. What's wrong with me? I know it's not really my fault on a logical level, but that's not what I feel. Somehow I chose this man and it must be what I deserve right? I'm the one who puts up with it, I'm the one who stays even though my boundaries have been crossed, crushed and totally violated.  
I can't help but feel like it's my fault somehow. We got pregnant. We ended up with 3 boys and for a time I was heavy. He had no trouble letting me know how much he disliked my weight. It was during this time he did the most running around. I've since lost the weight and I look great and feel great about myself. I just feel smaller and smaller each day. I feel like He hates me. He truly dislikes 2 of our sons, they are just like him personality wise. But, he blames their problems on me. one is 22 and having a really rough time and the other is 17, gay and overweight. I have a close relationship with all my kids. I love them no matter what. But he's been such an ass all these years and now he wonders why they don't respect him or love him back. He's got very real anger management issues, he's a major pot head and does absolutely nothing. He doesn't have a job, or help around the house. He hasn't done a load of laundry since I've known him.  
I know I have withdrawn. But I feel like I can't make a move without him bitching and whining about how I'm doing this or that the wrong way or giving me a lecture on how to do it right, he's super controlling and once someone says - hey you know that thing you like to do - it sucks and I'd rather sit around the house than go out to club or a movie or visit those friends of yours I don't like. He thinks the only reason I like to go out to a club is to binge drink. So that is what he says when I want to go out, get all dressed up and see some live music. He say's no binge drinking for me tonight thanks. He doesn't drink at all. So I just sit in my room most of the time. I try not to make him mad,I do and say things I don't feel or even mean, just to keep the peace. Just last night he said I was "detestable" and a phony and I live in a fantasy world. He say's to me he's not ready to crawl in a hole and never come out. He moans and groans about how no one loves him! He's like a baby having a temper tantrum. 
I'm tired and drained. I love this man, but I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like a shell of a human being, I'm holding on by a thread. I lost my Dad almost 4 years ago,I was very close to him and now I care for my brain damaged mother who now lives with us and she's as crazy as brick shit house and is mean and selfish. I also have a sociopath for a sister. I feel surrounded on all sides, totally boxed in.  
I have fantasies of running away, finding some cute little apartment and living the life I want. Making friends and doing my art, going out and doing the things I want to do with people I like. But I seem frozen. There are times I wish I'd just get sick and die so I wouldn't have feel all the pain.  
It's a nightmare, I married a man the exact opposite of who I am. I wanted a loyal, loving, hard working man. Someone like my Dad. My husband doesn't believe I've been faithful this whole time, but I have. I'm not interested in causal sex with people I don't know. I've tried changing who I am over the years. I tried to be someone I'm not for him. I regret that more than anything. What a stupid girl I was. I was so in love, I wanted him so bad I was willing to do anything to make him happy. Some of the things I've done, I wish I could take back. But you can't and I have to live with them and he uses these things against me.  
Honestly, I'm afraid of him. I dread car trips, or going out. It's like the other day, we took our youngest out to eat and he picked a stupid fight with me right in the restaurant. I ordered his burger wrong and guess what, he thinks I did it on purpose, I just don't listen, I just try and fuck things up and always say no or disagree to push his buttons, he calls me pathological. I'm my own person with my own thoughts and feelings and the days of he's always right about everything are over. I'm getting so tired of defending every move, every word that comes out of my mouth.  
I think he's the one with the problems. I think he's an addict in several ways. I think he has a sexual compulsion, he smokes weed all day everyday. He gets mad about the smallest things all the time, so much so he's got chronic pelvic pain. If we are having guests for dinner or taking a trip, I can count on days of stress, they come off him like waves of heat.  
I'm not me anymore, I miss me and I deserve some happiness in this life before I die. I've been with this man for 24 years. It's not getting better. I'm fading away and I'm numb.
Posted @ Sunday, September 22, 2013 12:16 PM by Robin
I need advise. I remarried my husband 8 years ago. He showed less interest right away. Over the coarse of our marriage the intimacy grew less n less. I can count the times of sex we've had on my hands. The last of which he said well I tried. At this point he pets the dogs more then me. I know all his sex drive is gone. Not sure what's wrong n he doesn't seem to care to fix it. I to have lost a lot of sex drive do to menopause but I know I love him n still love to cuddle, hold hands, etc..he says he loves me n I know he cares but I just can't understand why he shows little affection. He acts like he doesn't love me but says he does. Just doesn't feel right. I wonder if he's just trying to not hurt my feeling. Or maybe this is just how men are when they lose their sex drive. I would love to hear from other men. 
Posted @ Tuesday, December 31, 2013 11:10 AM by Dee
I can relate to candice's letter, I swear her and I are married to the same man because my husband has acted and treated me in the same ways, Yet I dont want him to leave me and I cant leave him I dont know how to be without him, I dont know what to do? Ive shut out friends and family. I feel so alone and just want him to love me and im not sure if he ever has.
Posted @ Monday, June 30, 2014 9:45 PM by Julie
Often times men lose respect and interest in their wives because the wives have been too agreeable and kisses up to him too much. Then you probably show too much of that "people pleasing" attitude around him and you look silly and cheesy to him. A wife needs to have self respect and stop being too available to a husband when he is not loving and respectful to her.  
Also know that a wife should not read those wife blogs on the internet about submission and respect. A good way to know if an internet marriage site about wives is real and geniune, is that the article is not long and drawn out with a long list to scold wives and tell them to do this and that for her husband. Also, if the site writer tells you that you are to say nothing and be submissive and respectful when he cheats or when he is disrespect, cold, distant, and does you wrong, when he allows his mom and dad to mistreat you, then you know this site is not real and right as it claims to be. When the site writer beats wives over the head with the words submit, authority, respect, etc, and picks out one or two scriptures but never discusses the Scripture to husbands, then you know the site is not a true Christian site. 
When the female writer of the site writes that she cannot lecture or talk to men about their sins, but her husband lectures and scold women on his website, about wives' sins, then you know those people are not what they claim to be.  
Trust in God and treat hubby and everyone else right. Ask God to lead you to a real Christian site where the writer speaks to the husband and the wife and does not scold only the wife and does not talk only about submit and respect. Talk with other wise women who do not scold and blame women and put all the marriage responsibility on wives. Read the few comments from wives who you can tell are genuine and who tell you and other wives how vital and important they are. Remember, God is on the throne, not husbands and not Internet sites that scold, blame, and belittle women. 
Stay out of his way and let him be moody and be distant . Pray for everyone and stay away from those who have hate and malice in their hearts towards women/wives. Stay strong and May God bless and guide you.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 01, 2014 12:17 AM by Pam in the Valley
Dear all, I've been up crying all night & stumbled across this site. I've been married 7 years (together 10) & have 3 young children all under 5yrs old. In the last 1.5 years my family moved country & my father died (whom I was very close to). I'm from a close family & have very good friends ive known since school. On returning back to our lives after being ex-pats, my husband "outed" me as an alcoholic. I had turned to drinking (on/off) when I lost my dad & although never daily/ before my kids were in bed in the evening, I do agree I used alcohol, for a short period, as a crutch to help lose myself in grief. My husband tried during this period, when I was at my lowest, to have me thrown into rehab, something I kept telling him I didn't need. All I wanted was his support during this terrible period in my life. He then managed to share with our entire family/social network that I had issues & needed help. FYI, I immediately stopped drinking an haven't drunk a drop for 8 months, without the aid of AA. As I said, my issue was grief, and alcohol was a crutch to help the tears flow. I am now so hurt as my husband keep telling me I need help, am crazy, that I've ruined his life, that my weight loss (again, all grief related), insomnia etc needs to be looked at by a "professional". May I add that because I love him so much & thought he was looking after my best interests, I saw a leading Phsychiatric Consultant who told me I was being "controlled" by my husband & it was because of him that I was turning into a wreck. Now my husband, almost a year later, is claiming once again that I'm nuts, need help etc etc & that I've ruined his life. He spreads terrible, distorted tales about me to his family & friends (my family know he's full of s£!t!) but I just want my marriage to go back to what it used to be. Reading all your comments, I can't see things getting better. We've done marriage counselling over the years because he claims I have numerous "deep rooted issues". Its his constant need to put me down (im educated & normally don't take this sort of rubbish from anyone) but our 3 young kids are seeing how sad I am because of him. Please help me with some positive advice. Thanks
Posted @ Monday, August 04, 2014 10:48 PM by Lila
Lila, Your situation sounds very complicated and you probably best helped by returning to a professional counselor for more guidance. For some of us we have to go back multiple times for help before change finally happens. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, August 09, 2014 7:24 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
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