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Why Men Watch Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn

  
  
  
  

Why Men Watch PornSo why do men watch porn?  Here are some reasons suggested by colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D., from his article Why Men Use Porn and What Women (and Men) Need to Know About It

As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. "If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. "I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"

Read more about Addicted to Porn - Why Men Deny it

For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. "I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"

Get an Inside Look At Pornography Addiction

But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?

1. They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.
2. They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.
3. In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.
4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.
5. Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we're hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.
6. Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.
7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.
8."Instant gratification isn't fast enough for me,"one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may be the perfect solution for our times.

So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they're looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex? (excerpted from Why Men Use Porn and What Women (and Men) Need to Know About It)

Learn More About Porn Addiction

There are some other significant reasons that I've discovered in my counseling for men struggling with Internet porn and I share some of those in other articles on this blog on porn addiction and in the links below. In the meantime, please share your thoughts below about why men watch porn.

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Comments

By its very nature porn is exploitive. I was told by my husband that if I had done to him the things he has done to me and our marriage with porn our marriage would be over. Its the he can but I can't thing. I have talked with quite a few women and find that this is a very prevalent attitude. I also take issue with some of the things given as "reasons" for why men use porn. 
 
1. I enjoy sexual excitement and release just as much as any man but I won't exploit another person to get it or decieve my husband either. 
 
I could go down the whole list but I see I'm almost out of space. All eight "reasons" look more like flimsy "excuses" to me. We (including me) need to look at why we are using other people to fill obvious holes or pains in our lives and work on filling those places with healthy compassion and intimacy. That takes work and I realize it is easier to "take a trip down to the office" but the real work is worth it.
Posted @ Wednesday, March 31, 2010 1:14 PM by pt
pt - You're right that porn, like many things, can be used to fill holes or pains in our lives that can be better filled with healthier alternatives. I also agree with you that it does take work, but is also well worth it. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, April 08, 2010 11:04 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I ve been married 2 times, and love much sex. But my parteners always have the sense of modesty when in come to sex. Porn gets me fired up in a way i would love for my wives to do. Also when watching porn, both partners give much verble expression of gratitude and wanting to each other. Now that i am older, my desire is less sressing to my wife, but porn still get me fired up to the max. I believe acts of oral sex and the varied position and body thrusting and heaving which is indicative of real hot bodied sex should be done with the lights on, or in daylight. It would be the same act as porn, except you need to keep your eyes open and see what keeps your blood pumping instead of formations of a mental image with one's eyes closed
Posted @ Friday, July 16, 2010 11:33 AM by B Boy
My issue is that my husband and i always had an exciting and adventrous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, i'm still feeling crazy adventrous and always throwing myself at him. He doesnt want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship that he looks at porn (because if the "interaction" he gets from it). Although i dont like the idea i was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldnt use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will some one make sense of this for me. If Im bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy him self and only use me when he cant be alone to use porn, why should i stay? He wont open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please.
Posted @ Thursday, July 29, 2010 4:13 PM by emma
emma- get some counseling for yourself from someone who understands men and pornography and that whole interaction. It really does take an expert. There's a great one in Roseville, "Guy Stuff Counseling", Kurt Smith, look him up. At the very least you need to air your needs and get help to figure out what to do. Take care of your marriage by taking care of yourself. Sounds like your guy is lost just like mine was. Good luck to you and remember be faithful to yourself and your integrity.
Posted @ Thursday, July 29, 2010 6:20 PM by pt
pt- I totally agree with both of your posts! Thank you! gosh when things like this happen, a person can just feel so alone. my husband and i have an amazing sex life but a few months back i cought him in the act of porn right in our living room as i was in the bedroom sleeping! i never knew he had an addiction.we've been doing some reading, Every Young Man's Battle & Every Woman's Desire are great books.it has shaken up our marriage but i know we will grow from it. it takes work!!don't give up on your relationship if this is happening to you!i believe that it is a problem because it's a safe escape, they can hide from everything, like any other addiction, it's their way out.they (anyone who has a porn addiction) need to seriously step back and evaluate their life, personal, work, everything.it could even be something in the past that hasn't been resolved that is making it so hard to stop.seeing a professional who specializes in this sort of issue is a major plus!! best wishes to all of you. 
 
emma-don't give up. please seek counseling to understand things better and get a clear view of what all is happening.keep loving, respecting, honoring, and being dedicated to your husband, it means the world to him.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 31, 2010 12:23 AM by Jo
My relationship with my boyfriend is very sexual, we have sex everyday and sometimes more than once. I am a very attractive person! I have a playmates body as many many people say.. I am always suggesting different positions/things/places just anything to spice it up or surprise him! I have always felt that I please him and that he is satisfied. So I dont get why he has to watch the occasionally porn when the (few) times I am not home. which I am always home because I recently lost my job. Porn makes me feel like I dont look good enough for him and that I dont please him so he has to go to that. I dont like it.. I seriously work my butt off to stay in shape and being in the mood for him even when I am tired. He literally can do whatever he wants sexual.. He does however has problems if he is dehydrated.. and sometimes he doenst want to have sex. Hello I have needs to but I dont go looking at porn. or other men. Oh and top of it all he lied about it. and he has a WHOLE lot of pictures and videos of me.. SOO WHY PORN! I AM SO CONFUSED.. I need advice! :(
Posted @ Monday, November 08, 2010 6:09 PM by shelley
Shelley, 
 
As I say in the article, men use porn for lots of reasons. The main point I'd say to you (and other women) is that it doesn't mean that you're not attractive enough or he wants something you can't give. Its important to be able to talk about it. If that's difficult, talking with a counselor can help.
Posted @ Monday, November 08, 2010 6:58 PM by Jed Diamond
Shelley - Thanks for sharing your story. Porn is a problem that is very confusing for most women. You asked for advice, so here's an article that will help -- Why do men look at porn? You'll find links to other articles at the bottom of this one, so check it out. Hope these help you begin to make some sense of what's going on with your boyfriend. Talk to a counselor experienced in porn if you need more support.
Posted @ Tuesday, November 09, 2010 12:04 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I married in my late 40's four years ago. My experience as a divorced "older" albeit attractive woman, led me to believe I needed to be "open" to male needs regarding sex. Exiting a long term marriage, with few partners in early life, I received a distinct "message" from men that expectations regarding sexual exploration had changed since I was single in my twenties. I tried, therefore, to be "open" to all my partners habits however frequently expressing my fear that the line b/t reality and fantasy might become murky, and that "needs" might escalate.  
My husband enjoys pornography, used it for stimulation regularly, and kept pushing for experiences in "real time" including swapping, strip clubs, sex clubs in SF, increasingly invasive sex tools (I refuse to call these things toys), engagement in adult chat rooms without my knowledge, and finally performing acts on himself that I found truly repulsive. 
I slowly found my voice but much too late, and of course he couldn't understand why all this behavior was suddenly not tolerated.  
As your last female blogger stated - I wish I had remained true to myself and my integrity - we know inherently what is right for each of us and deviant behavior needs to viewed for what it is - dangerous and very likely damaging.  
This behavior combined with other mid-life stressors resulted in my moving out of his house. 
One year later we remain married but separated, 
and any intimacy is rare.  
Prior to reading this website and the attached articles I have been too ashamed to discuss the "sex" issues, thinking myself at fault. 
Male sexual addiction is confusing for women. And for me, I am not sure I will ever trust again. 
D
Posted @ Sunday, November 14, 2010 8:56 PM by donna

 
I know you feel as if you will never trust again but I was 55 and married 35 years when the junk hit the fan in our marriage. After 5 years of counseling and many many many hours of tears and quesstions and discussions I think I am on the verge of beginnning to trust again. My husband wants there to be an ongoing marriage and is working just as hard as I am. So it takes two to tango. Get counseling for yourself and your husband must join you if he is serious about your marriage. Life is hard with all the crap out there and we have to clin together even more than ever. If he won't come with you take yourself - and get yourself on the road to recovery and life. You can do it and you're not alone. 
 
pt
Posted @ Monday, November 15, 2010 5:28 PM by pt
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 yrs and we moved in together about 1.5 yrs ago. I knew he looked at porn but not to the extent that I have found on his computer and that he accesses regularly. One time I even found emails he was writing to a married pregnant woman who was sending naked pictures to him. This was very devastating to say the least. When I am on his computer I see where he is looking at porn and saving it all the time. It makes me feel horrible and I am a woman with a strong sex drive and I do many things that give him pleasure that many women wouldn't do. I feel as though I can't trust him although he says that he has never cheated on me. I feel as though the letter with the naked pics was definitely cheating.
Posted @ Saturday, May 07, 2011 8:05 PM by Kathy
It seems that both Jed Diamond and Kurt Smith's comments suggest that women should seek counseling to "get over it". Why do women have to be the ones to just deal with all the emotional pain it creates while a man can just continue consuming women and disregarding his wife's hurt and decreased self-esteem from it?
Posted @ Saturday, May 21, 2011 3:11 AM by b
ugh. this is just such bullshit! women and men both watch porn equally, and are both just as sexual. i believe that people in monogamous relationships should remain monogamous and not watch porn, but yes, as a woman, it is a constant struggle for me. it is cheating, and anyone who watches it while in a relationship should feel guilty. it is not normal to physically or mentally have sex with someone while committed to someone else.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 24, 2011 4:14 AM by T
I would like to mention, if the men would tell us want they want, because we don't read minds, they wouldn't have to resolve in looking at porn. I think it's an excuse not to communicate. One man mentioned it gets him steamed up because his wife don't act in that manner. Well, then tell her how you would like her to be. Honey you would look sexy if you were wearing (go buy the outfit) this and get into a doggy position. Uh, HELLO! If she finds out, you are resorting to porn for the purpose you are, you might turn her off completely to doing anything with you like that. Make sense. I know, I went through it. Bf looked and I was so heart broken, I couldn't have sex wiht him. I was too disgusted. I also thought if I did what he wanted me too, he would only be thinking of them, so then I didn't bother with doing it. But if he didn't look and approached me like that, that would be completely hot.
Posted @ Sunday, June 05, 2011 4:31 AM by Tera
I'm trying to understand my desire for internet porn too. But after reading some of these comments... and i don't mean to sound rude... but how many of the women on here has let their body go? I'll no longer attracted to my wife...she's fat! Plain and simple. I'm in decent shape...all i want is for her to loss weight...trim her pussy... and act sexy every now and then.... is that wrong? As a guy, we know never to comment on a girls weight. Ahhhh. Hence Im so turned on by these hot girls on the internet....they are so beautiful.
Posted @ Monday, August 01, 2011 6:20 PM by James
I'm a guy with an addiction and ran across this site when trying to figure out how to stop. The responses from females have inspired me and I hope it helps me stop permanently. I don't want to hurt my wife and will use this as inspiration to stop using internet to look at women. I will check back in a year with my progress!
Posted @ Thursday, August 25, 2011 6:57 PM by visitor d
I am seen somewhat as a bit of a dude, I get what guys think, I'm not offended by what offends most women, but whenever the topic of porn came up I have always felt threatened. I also like to understand my feelings before I criticize someone elses. If I am mad, or upset I think about why before I confront the issue, I feel that often u find that yourself is the problem with your own emotions. Pron is no different, I set out to understand why it is that men enjoy porn so that I can better understand why it is that I am threatened by my soulmate since I was 11 occasionally enjoying porn. I viewed sited with others asking the same topics and the answers. I learned that no one can understand until people start being honest. I looked further into myself..I do not own or watch porn regularly but when I see it I am aroused, not by the people but by the action. I think its disgusting yet still arousing. I decided to ask the person who knows best, my partner. I am happy I analyzed the situation before jumping into it because an open line of communication is important and that line can not be established if either party feels like they are being threatened or looked down upon which it seems women are known for being entirely irrations. So I explained to him how interested I was on the topic and wanting to understand why people watch it and why women feel threatened when their partners do. I also explained that some wokmen even feel its cheating and I personally am not sure where I stand on that but do feel threatened, I feel bad that I am threatened because I am personally aroused by porn, I do believe everyone is even those who do not enjoy it or purchase or find it disgusting as myself. The discusion was informative and two sided, his feelings and opinions is valid to. You may be surprised to his response to helping me research the subject and one thing that even I found shocking is that he stated "it is cheating" he went on to explain that if a person uses it for the use of being with another person then it is mentally cheating. He stated that he would be hurt to know that I was thinking and using mental images of someone else to pleasure me simply because I would like to be with him, and we would expect the same from me. We discussed further and realized that for both him and I its simply the sexual act that we find arousing, not the people. We are long distance and the simple act of sex is arousing for anyone, so when he views porn it is used to entice images of him and I. He was clear on the fact that the women do not arouse hime, he said he agrees that they are trashy, unattractive and disgusting, as well as porn itself...but it doesn't change the innate nature in both genders to be intrigued by something we don't often see, or something taboo. Research shows that women, even more than men, are aroused by any sexual image...and I mean any. This may not be all men, I am not sure if it is different for others. But what I have discovered by trying to understand the topic in order to better understand myself and my man, is. That men and women (atleast us) is not so different. We are both aroused by porn but not the people on the screen but the act itself. You don't often get to see sex from an outsiders point of view, you normally see it from your back or over another person, porn just gives another perspective. Like how people who live in the mountains like to go to the beach. Still viewing the world, just from a different angle and that is inticing. I havecome to many more conclusions or observations rather based both on my research and my open ended discussion with my partner, to much to share here. But I think this is a start to understand both sides of the coin. I would love to do some more research. The hard part is creating a non judgmental enviroment to be honest and open. Where men don't have to appear as pigs to be acted and women prudes.
Posted @ Monday, September 05, 2011 8:39 PM by Monica
When my fiance and i began dating I made it a point to ask his opinion on porn. I being a female enjoy porn for educational purpose. a wife can learn a lot from her husbands porn stash.  
But he said he.doesn't agree with it & didnt like it. That was a year ago. Last night while using his phone to look something up I found that he's been visiting several sites. It really hurt me that he shut me out of his fantasy. Especially since I ask him often about his wildest desires. I take pride in being a great girlfriend/wife. I'll pretty well do anything he asks. Hell I've lost 40 lbs in 2 months and started being more seductive. Why couldn't he just be honest with me? Why hide it? Why lie about it? I forgave him of course but you men have no idea how it makes women feel when they try everything to get his attention and he'd rather think about touching a pair of tits than actually touch mine. Mine are quite a nice set! It makes me feel like i don't satisfy him. Truth is, i want more sex, more play time damnit! Don't waste your time on a computer when you can have WHATEVER YOU DESIRE at home.
Posted @ Thursday, September 08, 2011 12:50 PM by Nancy
Not all pornography has a reason. Child porn; violent porn. What is a husband who is so vanilla in the bedroom trying to express about his own desires when he searches for these things; chat rooms and locals included? Some of it is just plain distrustful. A marriage built on pretenses has no where no go.
Posted @ Monday, September 12, 2011 4:00 AM by
While all the reasons listed in the article are probably valid for some men, I believe that some men love porn because they ware chauvinistic, plain and simple. My boyfriend is 20 years older then I am but still refuses to stop buying it even though he clearly knows how much it upsets me. It is, for me anyway, a situation of being with a man who shows little to no respect for women, not even the one he claims to love and I believe it is the same for many others who have that problem with their partners.
Posted @ Monday, September 12, 2011 8:20 PM by Abby
Men looking at pornography in secrecy is disrespectful to their partner. When life can be so hard and time so short, wasting valuable moments on pornography sickens me. I feel betrayed, because all my efforts to achieve something significant for our life is not reciprocated. I feel alone in my relationship. What is the point?
Posted @ Sunday, September 18, 2011 7:05 AM by Jane
I get sick to my stomach when I listen to men whine that they look at porn because their wives aren't "sexy" enough or provide sex enough. I know from personal experience this is crap. The kind of men that are obsessed with porn aren't interested in sex with their wives, they are immature losers who want their lost youth back and use their wives as a scapegoat for their sick addiction. If you talk to any of the wives of these men you will find that they tell you their husbands never ask for sex and seem seriously disinterested in sleeping with them. It comes down to the fact that these men have never grown up and emotionally matured, they still think the way they did in high school and aren't really capable of genuine intimacy. They are emotional cripples due to a personality disorder. The hurt, pain, agony and loss of self esteem they cause the women they are with is horrendous. Stop making excuses and examine your own selfishness.
Posted @ Saturday, October 08, 2011 11:31 PM by Been there and sick of the whining
im 24 yrs old. ive been with my boyfriend for 8yrs and i have a small baby and ever since ive had my son my boyfriend really hasnt wanted anything to do with me.he works 3 to 11 he comes home and stays up till 4or 5am and i catch him looking at porn it honestly digustes me that he does it and i ask him why and his excuse is " i tryed to wake up and ask u if u want to do something" then i ask him why he deletes the browsing history and hes gettings really upset and says dont accuse me of looking at porn i just delete it everytime i get on. can someone pls give me some advice i sick and tired of it im about ready to call it quits and go on with my life
Posted @ Thursday, October 13, 2011 9:50 AM by
So, it appears that porn is used by men as a physical outlet. If they have more physical needs than can be met in their "real" life, they turn to porn to satisfy them. That is what I am getting from this blog. But, because women have more emotional needs, would a man be upset if his girlfriend or wife got most of hers met through long conversations and nice dinners with other men? As long as their was nothing physical going on, this should be okay, right? I doubt most men would think this is okay, so why is porn okay for them?
Posted @ Thursday, October 13, 2011 11:31 AM by G
My boyfriend looks at porn every night when he's at work. I'm trying to get use to the fact that he watches it but I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough, I'm not sexy enough, my breast aren't big enough. He tells me he loves me and he only watches it for entertainment cause it's out of boredom when he has nothing to do. I tell him all the time how it makes me feel when he watches it and it doesn't seem like he's taking it to concidereration. And knowing this is only brining my self of steam lower than it ever was. I try to be sexy for him do different things But it seems lik it's not enough
Posted @ Friday, October 14, 2011 5:27 AM by Rinna
 
 
Hi, I have a thought... Okay, well in my experiences with my boyfriend of almost 8 years, is that-yes he watches porn and he think I don't know about it sometimes. LOL! But what I notice, if I am honest about it, in my situation. It is that, he watches it when we are into it or I refuse him. It is when there is a problem in are relationship at the time. Or when we are about to go into it some rel good sex. He has a high sexually desire for me and sex, if you could understand that. His make-up is different then mines. So he knows he can't come at me and have sex 5 hours a day 5 days a week because our lives won't allow it. So this is a way to get his rock off even harder when he does come at me. If we allowed them to they would give us all that. But some of us can't handle all of it so they release in a form that is not hurting anyone. They look at it as not cheating but releasing. Even masturbating is the same thing. You are getting off without him. AND most of us women have done it. The men want sex so we are not there or busy or even mad but refusing him. So this is the result! But hey, can any of us really say that we have not lusted?? We all have looked at someone in our lives, when we were in a relationship. No matter if it made us appreciate our significant other or not. We are are all guilty of lusting. A sin is a sin. Now where the problem comes in at is when he doesn't give you any of that good love. Like someone said in an earlier note- Keep the lights on, so he can see you. The only think that matters at all is what he is giving you. HE IS A MAN, THEY DO HAVE A DIFFERENT SEX DRIVE! So if you face that and not make a big deal out of what you can NEVER control, then you will blow, ANY FAKE CYBER WOMAN OR BIT-- OUT THE WATER! He is physically with you!! You have his mind and his body right then and there, now do something and take control for that time. So when you are gone, he will only pop off with his self! And you best believe me, YOU ARE WHAT HE WILL BE THINKING ABOUT! YOU GAVE HIM LOVE THAT TOPS ALL OF HIS DESIRES! Ladies, they all just want that max feeling! And don't worry until your man is out their getting it on. One last thing. If the front of our heads were like a TV. what would yours show your little secrets were??  
 
Retta
Posted @ Tuesday, October 25, 2011 12:57 PM by Retta
My husband and I have been together for two years now. He has had a porn addiction the entire time. I have told him that he has to choose porn or me. He promised he would never watch it again but it is still part of his life. OUR LIFE... I have not mentioned that I know he still abuses porn. I don't know what to do. I love my husband so much but I really can't deal with the reallity that I am not enough. That he doesn't love me enough to stop. I'm hurt, I'm pissed and I'm confused.
Posted @ Friday, November 11, 2011 8:50 PM by kn
Mike Brengel,my boyfriend had.Live webcam sex and said he wanted to get a hotelroom.To have Sex with them.I feel that is cheating on me !
Posted @ Sunday, November 27, 2011 12:22 PM by Amanda Crider
Recently i found out my boy friend has tons of poronographic pictures on his phone. He then told me that he also masterbate with the photos. I was soo hurt that I want to walk away. I told him how i felt and he accused me of being insecure and ignorant. He don't see what he is doing as hurtful. I don't know what to do because i feel that I am not what he truly wants. WE DO HAVE A great sexual relationship.
Posted @ Tuesday, November 29, 2011 8:28 PM by Caren
My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I always catch him looking at porn. He never seems in the mood or is sooo tired. Never interested in me. He rather look at the porn and im in the same room and he acts as if I don't exist.
Posted @ Wednesday, November 30, 2011 1:14 AM by Nicole
I can try to understand the reasons why men look at pornography but the problem is they do not seem to think about the consequences their spouse feels as a result. When you are in a relationship that involves sex whenever it is wanted, or anything new, it is confusing why the man in the relationship is going elsewhere to "release." Guess what, us women have needs too, if you weren't so involved in looking at some Internet porn you could have your own porn star in the bedroom! I guess my priorities aren't straight and I should take care of my own needs even if it hurts the other partner. Thanks for making me see that relationships are about selfishness!
Posted @ Saturday, December 10, 2011 8:39 AM by Jenny
Hi my name is Keesha and I have been with my husband for 5 years. We have 4 children and 1 on the way. He has an addiction to porn and I am at my wits end and I think that this will be the breaking point of my marriage. I am tired of explaining to him my concern and feelings about him and his porn and he does not understand. So after this baby is born in August I am leaving him. I rather be with a man who only has a desire to be with me.
Posted @ Friday, December 16, 2011 2:57 AM by k eesha
My bf says that its not actually even about the naked women, but the act of watching sex. Is this true?
Posted @ Friday, December 16, 2011 7:33 PM by cfrd
I’ve been married 22 years and a year and a half ago my husband developed a severe kidney issue that put him in the hospital. In order to get the kidney problem under control he was put on numerous medications (cytosine, prednisone and 2 different blood pressure medications) for over year. He is now off the meds, except one for his blood pressure and we had sex a week ago for the first time since his illness began. I came home early the other day and found him watching porn and masturbating. I was furious. I went a year and a half without sex, and come to find out he’s been looking at this crap and taking care of his business for months. What a selfish bastard. Heck, if I knew that was an option I would have bought me a toy a year and a half ago. What really makes me mad are the lies that followed. “ I wanted to last night – lie he was complaining all night about his stomach hurting which is a signal I’m not in the mode”. “I was planning on having sex with you that night – it’s been year since he could get an erection twice in one day”. I’m really having a hard time getting over the level of selfishness and deceit. He says he’s sorry and won’t look at the crap again. And he thinks that should make it all better. Hut doesn’t go away that easy. I agree with PT, “All eight “reasons” look more like flimsy “excuses” to me”. Why are the women being told to get counseling to deal with their husband’s porn problem? Shouldn’t he be the main one that needs counseling? sn
Posted @ Saturday, December 17, 2011 8:26 AM by SN
I still can't understand how it's impossible for a man in a relationship to never be fully sexually satisfied?? Especially when his loved one is offering it up whenever wanted. My guy tells me it's because he likes the variety or porn. Where the hell is my variety? Shopping? Give me a break. I'm stuck with him and his parts forever, and he gets "variety". I guess what I don't get is how it's fair In a commited relationship? What do I get as variety if I don't enjoy porn? Any comments good or bad, please HELP.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 21, 2011 8:54 PM by Ollie
And here's why we women would rather s***w some real alpha males than you poor porn-crazy excuses of husbands we roommate with. 
 
1. We enjoy the attention and release and these studs deliver - which are no longer delivered by our beer-gutted balding mates. 
2. We like sexual variety (our evolutionary instinct to spread our genes by screwing other guys and make you think they're yours so you will help us raise them) and porn only has an endless selection to choose from for you guys, but not for us girls whose needs are a bit too advanced for the x-rated format. 
3. In real life the sexual practices that women like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. With our secret lovers, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more. 
4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. Our lovers are more predictable and controllable - and still compliment us and give us attention! 
5. Even when our sexual (married) partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we're hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the gym or online dating sites and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands. 
6. Though many have overcome the"hot Alpha male"/"Caring father" complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our porn addicted homeboys but go wild for the wanton guy we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go. 
7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a "married secrets affair" may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely. 
8."Instant gratification isn't fast enough for me,"one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, internet dating may be the perfect solution for our times. 
 
What goes around comes around, guys! And if the xxx-interface doesn't satisfy us girls and we need an intimacy outlet, don't think you can impose any higher standards on us than yourselves. This is not about "your special needs". This is about century long subjection of women under men who have been holding the economic power over women. A priori women are no more obligated to tolerate your sexual outlets than you do ours. But we women are gaining power fast and your double standards won't hold up anymore.
Posted @ Wednesday, December 28, 2011 10:51 PM by Cave woman
I'm in my mid twenties and have been in what I thought was a great all around relationship for two years now. Recently, I discovered multiple videos and visits to a websit up to three times a week. When I finally confronted him about it, he said "men look at porn. Its what men do. it has nothing to do with being attracted to the women in the video, its the act of sex itself thats a turn on." I think he's full of bs, having viewed some of the videos from his history the women are NEVER unnatractive and always in their 20's. He told me two weeks ago he would stop since it bothered me so much, and just today I found more evidence from last week to last night that show he's been watching again (and we had intercourse that same day, he had seemed happy/satisfied). Am I wrong to be hurt by this? I dont know if I should even bring it up, but he said he would stop.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 03, 2012 1:34 PM by Samantha
Porn my fill the holes that are left from problems in a marriage, but so do other things like drugs, alcohol, abuse, smoking, etc. Just because something "fills a void" or "feeds a desire" does not make it okay or excusable.
Posted @ Friday, January 06, 2012 12:31 PM by J
I just want to know why I am still around if I'm the kind of woman who's always ready for it and available in our relationship and told I am thin and beautiful when my boyfriend watches porn behind my back when he says he doesn't. Why do I feel like I'm not enough? Should I even stick around or should I just go and let him have is online relationship with his porn sites?
Posted @ Friday, January 13, 2012 7:19 AM by Katie
My husband and I have only been married for 1 1/2 years...newlyweds. But we're both in our mid to late thirties so we both still have healthy sex drives. We rarely have sex and when we do, I'm the instigator. But even then its always the same thing...I really dont even enjoy myself. Three minutes of foreplay, twenty minutes of sex and we're done. I don't even get any cuddle time after the big event. He chooses instead to look at porn after I go to bed 95% of the time. I dont feel like he's even interested in finding out about my body, my likes and dislikes. As long as he throws me a bone ever few weeks I'll be fine. Well I'm not fine. If he even spent half the time with me as he does with porn he might learn a little something about me. I just dont think he cares to. I dont feel married. I dont feel connected. I just feel lonely and hurt.
Posted @ Saturday, January 21, 2012 9:52 AM by Stacy
Have to say that I think it is complete and utter bullshit so say that it is okay for ANY person who is in a relationship to use porn as a "get fired up tool" or because your "partner is too tired tonight" or any of the weak reasons mentioned!!!! If you want sex, (and not a loving relationship) then DON'T commit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP using gender as an excuse for your lack of self control and obvious cave man instincts!If you love and respect your partner, you won't have the need to act out fantasies with whores on the internet, TV or DVD's! I am sick and tired of hearing "why men..." do all kinds of unforgivalble and foolish things and having to "understand their needs because they are male" and "get over your insecurities; he's a man" type of nonsense!!! The human race have to forgive all kinds of sick behaviour, because "they are men"!!! Where is relationships and marriages headed? Nowhere!!! If we continue to accept and "understand" these situations, we may as well just stop commitment altogether! I think your article have now destroyed my desire to have a relationship completely. If I have to "go with the flow" everytime a man does something he finds okay and I (and most people in relationships) find unacceptable, but I just have to "deal with it" I'm not interested anymore thanks!!!
Posted @ Saturday, January 21, 2012 4:07 PM by LT
I love my man, but get jealous when he plays those online virtual games.
Posted @ Sunday, January 22, 2012 12:16 AM by jdizine
Porn is very destructive to a relationship. It is not reality! Those "porn stars" are not real! They would not give you the time of day in real life. I've come to the painful conclusion that if I'm not "exciting enough" in bed for a man than they don't need to have me at all. They can have their computers be there for their every need. You don't realize how much a porn addiction hurts a woman.
Posted @ Monday, January 23, 2012 4:38 PM by Tammy
Tomorrow we will be married 26 years,last year I caught my husband with the Internet porn I was hurt. He swore he would never then early yesterday my 23 year old found a picture of a full frontal nude teenager that had come out of our printer. She threw it out and then it was the topic at dinner with my 6 children as in how did this happen etc? I got so sick I guess my expression was seen by everyone. I got the crumpled up picture out of the garbage to see if it was one of those pop ups NO it wasn't. I'm not a prude as others have been called. I just wonder if the shoe was on the other foot what the reaction would be? My right knee has had 9 procedures the past 3 being total replacements and I've got 3 herniated discs in my back. Our sex life has been also challenged by my husband getting diabetes and ED. I'm so confused I just know I feel sad right now he denied it of course and denied it when I asked him when we were alone.........
Posted @ Monday, January 23, 2012 6:10 PM by Kathie
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. He's been with his company for 11 years and I'm a nurse and been with my practice for 5 years. My husband has the opportunity to work from home a lot. But I find that on the days he's working from home he's also masturbating to porn. We are intimate almost every night, and a lot of the time have crazy wild sex... By far it's nothing repetitive about it. We spice it up quite a bit. So when I realized he was doing this when I was at work I confronted him. And he doesn't try to lie about occasionally "Rubbing one out".. But there are times when I will ask if he waited for me today and he will say, " Of course I did" when I know in actuality he did not. He has a little black movie case full of porn. So I started noticing when the discs had been moved around. So then he went to watching free porn on his phone?! What the hell, it's so aggravating to not know why he can't just wait til I get home to have the REAL thing... Could it also be that I embarrass him when I ask?
Posted @ Tuesday, January 24, 2012 8:02 PM by Michele
my husband has been addicted to porn since before we met. i found his stash while we were dating. we have had three kds in four years, an i have put on a significant amount of weight. he recently told me that men with hot wives don't struggle like he does because he has to come home to a fat and ugly wife. now i dont want to be anywhere near him.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 24, 2012 11:30 PM by natalie
I read through all the comments and i still dont understand it. I model and am in great shape. I'm very adventurous in the bedroom and my boyfriend and I have sex everyday. After 3 years of being with him i found out his was addicted to porn. Ashamed he tried to argue with me and then closed himself off. We kept fighting because he was so distant and broke up. A month later we were back together and i told him i felt as though it was cheating. I am not comfortable with him getting off to other women. After he lied to me for 3 years i have trouble trusting him although im trying. He no longer watches porn (to my knowledge) but i was on a different website asking about this and they said men (for the most part) either cheat or watch porn that they need variety. Now im afraid hes cheating. why does he need porn at all? He was signed up for over 20 websites and when i checked his computer he visited too many to count. He was live chatting with them, look at pictures, and videos. Theyd also email him to meet. He claims he never has...although how would i no? He also flirts with every girl he can. I dont know what to do anymore i cant keep him on this leash but when i let go its like he forgets about me.
Posted @ Friday, January 27, 2012 2:43 AM by mw
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and I discovered roughly 8 months ago he was not only cheating on me, but also subscribing to questionable pornographic sites, such as transvestites and beastiality. I gave this man three children (I was pregnant at the time with our third, delivered a month ago). When I asked him about his double life, he said I wasn't available to him because of my work schedule. He had had multiple surgeries and I was forced to take double shifts to support the house. When faced with me leaving him, he sought counselling, but still watches some of the same porn (its almost all that is in the browser history on his smart phone). He says i'm attractive (considering i've worked my butt off to lose all 40 lbs I gained from pregnancy), but it makes me feel like i'm not good enough. Help, please?
Posted @ Saturday, January 28, 2012 8:42 PM by Stacee
I am not as attractive as the women in porn. I know it and my boyfriend knows it. So he goes and looks at really attractive women in porn because I am shit compared to them. I try my hardest to be as attractive as possible I work out as much as I am physically able to. I put on make up and wear nice clothes. But men have taught me that no matter how hard I try, at the end of the day, he just wants variety anyway. So my efforts aren't really all that appreicated. Men don't care about their female partners as much as they care about having porn and "variety". This is what is more important to men then real women. Women are apparently worthless to men and very interchangable. Men want to be able to have loving partners are young pretty perfect bodied young women to masturbate to while hoping their partners smile and stay by their side. Men don't want real women. They want lap dogs.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 31, 2012 9:27 PM by EM
Alot of this sounds like excuses or justification for things that are not supposed to be.. they like "the excitement and variety" ? So that means that despite all of the negative emotional, psychological, and physical effects of porn that it is ok because they like it? Come on, it's about respect, and there is none of that in pornography. Lets turn the tables, full frontal male nudity-full blown, see how long it takes to hear bitching. Porn destroys people.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 01, 2012 8:04 PM by Sly
Most women feel that...men and porn is being unfaithful. And makes us feel like they arnt satified with what they have. Also makes us feel like less of a women because we will never stack up to the beauties they are looking at. I know it makes me feel like im nothing and not good enough. Is hard to deal with. Yeah i have issues with the whole idea. Where is the respect?
Posted @ Saturday, February 04, 2012 3:09 PM by miss
Why men use porn: because our (patriarchal) society is willing to come up with endless excuses as to why it is ok. To the extent of suggesting that a woman who objects to her husband using porn seeks counselling. If it were a woman confessing to looking at porn society would also say it was her who needed the counselling. If it was non-threatening to men for women to use porn to the same extent that men do you can bet your life most women would be addicted too and men would be accusing them of jeopardising their marriages. As long as the lie of men having the greater libido continues, there will always be excuses as to why men are entitled to have an extra sexuak outlet within their marriage.
Posted @ Friday, February 17, 2012 5:13 PM by Becchanalia
Can't see why every website about this topic is centered around women having to try and understand their men. What about men trying to understand women????? As far as i'm concerned sex is off the table for me with men who prefer wanking off to exploited women on the net. If men want a relationship with women there are certain costs. Otherwise they may as well just stick with a housekeeper and a pc. Whats the point of being in a relationship? These men can go fuck themselves. Oh wait, they already are. Frankly i would be interested to know if one day on their deathbed they would be thinking "gee i'm sorry i never spent more time wanking in front of shallow videos" or " damn i should have spent more time engaging in real world interaction with people who matter".
Posted @ Thursday, March 01, 2012 3:08 PM by Liz
ive been in relationships where my partners have been addicted to porn. wanting me to act out various sexuall fantasies as to which were terrible and degrading to me.. which i didnt agree with at all so it caused a lot of grief and i left...the guy im seeing now watches it we dont have much sex as we would like as we dont see each other much as we live apart at the moment but we are going to live together soon...in my experience if its interfering with your sex life then yes its an issue if he would rather watch porn than sleep with you!porn is just a quick release for some guys but i dont want anouther man in my life who takes the so called piss out of me! ive come to a conclusion that its not worth the hassle, if you dont trust men who use porn then leave or ask him to leave its simple..its degrading to women and its cheap and nasty, i wont tolerate it at all anymore..let the sad gets get on with it, you deserve better! a man will have no respect for you if he uses porn and why they lie about it is beyond me, ok if a mans single thats fine but when hes with someone why do they need it ummm it makes you think!.. men are so dambed idiots...i wouldnt trust a man who uses it at all because they will cheat on you.. end of rant!
Posted @ Tuesday, March 06, 2012 7:14 AM by julie firth
I agree with everything the writer of the article said and I'll list a few more: 
 
A man who has experienced sexual dysfunctions like losing his erection or being unable to ejaculate during partner sex will suffer from performance anxiety which makes marital sex stressful and unpleasant. With porn they have no sexual problems at all because there is no anxiety involved. 
 
Men who feel uncomfortable with intimacy in long term relationships due to various kinds of personality disorders will also turn to porn and find it a more enjoyable experience than partner sex. 
 
Men who suffer from childhood trauma such as being the child of an alcoholic may have Attachment Disorders and will usually come to prefer porn over partner sex. 
 
Lack of attraction and/or boredom with the wife is a huge reason men like porn. 
 
Various kinds of anxiety and/or depression can cause a man to lose desire for his wife and porn and masturbation is the only way he can get sexual release.
Posted @ Saturday, March 10, 2012 1:12 PM by Jojo
Liz, your comments and many of the other women who have shared will certainly help the men who read this to better 'understand women.' Thanks for sharing. 
 
Jojo, you make some good points and add more understanding as to why some men, not all, turn to porn. 
 
Please everyone keep in mind that this post and the others under the topic Porn Addiction are intended to add understanding, not to excuse watching porn. Any of the above women who believe that this blog is justifying and excusing men looking at porn have misunderstood this and the other posts on this website. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 13, 2012 5:27 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have been married for 7 1/2 years and have given my husband two beautiful daughters. three days ago i found one of these disgusting magazines hidden in his work bag. His excuses were just like all of those that i have read in this article - 'that it's fantasy, it took him away from the shit of real life, at least it's not another woman, it's just a bloke thing, sex for men is shallow, it's just an act' blah blah blah. yes he has a highly stressful and demanding job which keeps him downstairs working late at night (or thats what i thought he had been doing), and i have been sympathising with that. i have been begging him for months to just spend one evening a week with me and he always says his work load is too much and he cant give me that time. we havent had sex now for 7 months and the last time we did he couldnt even perform. his excuse for looking at these degrading magazines is that he cant come to me and he has had a lot of stress on his plate lately with his job. well, what about me? night after night i sit alone in the living room and go to bed alone, my daily existence is feeding, washing, cleaning, cooking, looking after other people. where is my life? where has my life gone? i have also been through stressful times during this marriage - post natal depression, two miscarriages, one of which left me bleeding uncontrollably and passing out in A&E then surgery and a blood transfusion, i also fell down the stairs and broke my ankle in two places when i was 23 weeks pregnant with our second child. Did i turn to porn????? NO!!!!!! i suffered in silence and alone because he was too bloody busy! well more fool me i guess. the only reason i am still here is for my beautiful babies, i want more than anything in this world to give them a happy childhood and i cant bear the thought of being the one who decides to split this family. but then what about me? i'm human. i have needs. all i want is to be loved and to feel respected. i cant talk to him as it always always ends in a massive arguement. i am spending my mothers day reading these posts and writing this. i think my feelings have hit rock bottom. all these questions. why cant he talk to me? why cant he see how much this has hurt me? why am i not good enough, i know i have gained a lot of weight but god damn it so has he, all he does is fart which isnt exactly a turn on for me at the end of the day! why why why why why why??????? he told me to ask any of my friends if their blokes use porn and see what they say - i have instead found this site and it looks like i am right to believe his looking at porn is unacceptable and a form of cheating. what hurts the most is that he always told me sex to him was an emotional thing and he had to be in love with the person he was having it with. he has always been prudish almost about sex in the past. i have obviously been loving a man i thought he was rather than who he acutally was all along, just another sex obsessed pervert. will another acutal flesh and blood woman in real life be the next step up for him if i stick around and give him another chance? what the hell should i do??????
Posted @ Sunday, March 18, 2012 7:53 AM by holly c
So I posted a while ago in regards to my husband watching porn. Apparently, he actually read my post (we don't delete the browser history off our phones, and even if he tried, his phone is an Android and hackable)! He also read some of what you lovely ladies have to say. In lieu of him being outside, I will paraphrase his response (and probably make it more eloquent): 
"I had no idea women felt this way about porn. I don't watch it to get excited or because it does anything personally, its just something to watch while i'm on the toilet. Those other women, from the one who fell down the stairs while pregnant, to the most recent Holly C, need to understand that being confrontational about it does nothing but make men defensive. Sometimes, men look at specific porn because its something they have always wanted to try. Other times, its because it is literally a woman (or man) who cannot say no. Most times, its because, no matter how many times women tell us we're emotionally hurting them, we simply can't grasp it. If your partner is making you feel terribly about yourself, talk to him in a way he understands. By this, I mean, open up a video chat (doesn't have to be a sexy one), wear your nicest clothes, get dressed up, and show him that he is with you for a reason and he needs to appreciate what he has. If he seems uninterested in a conversation or even interaction (some women are adventurous), then perhaps it is time to discuss a separation." 
LADIES! You are all beautiful, and strong, so why are you literally letting someone take that away from you? Yeah, so, he looks at porn. Well you're better than some fake boobs and plastic smile. When he decides to get frisky on his keyboard, declare ladies night. Get dolled up for your girlfriends, let him see you with some life in you, and make him remember what a passionate, REAL, beautiful creature you are. 
Stop whining and empower yourselves already. 
we don't need them! They need us! How else are they going to carry out their Biblical birthright and spread their seed? Hard to do that without a woman.
Posted @ Sunday, March 18, 2012 8:21 AM by stacee
I'm a single guy and I watch porn, whether I'm dating a woman or not. It's too convenient. I've been in relationships before, and I always get bored. I've slept with 60-70 women, and none can hold my interest for more than 3 months. I get sick of the drama and neediness of a women's emotions. It's like having a mother and daughter rolled into one. I prefer the thrill of the chase and how many I can get into bed is more satisfying than keeping one and get bored with it. I'm not a sexual deviant either...blowjobs, doggystyle, that's it. It's the variety of women and winning them over that turns me on. I think it taps into evolution as well, many men would be this way if they could actually pull it off. They fulfill the need to be the masculine warrior-hunter when they find themselves with a woman that strips him of his ego. We live in a post-feminist culture of female empowerment. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Ladies, in case you didn't know, feminism killed chivalry. You got what you wanted, congratulations. There is no equality in relationships. One will always wear the pants. Speaking of which, I think I'll unzip mine. I'm in the mood for a hottie with a round ass in a school girl outfit. See ya!
Posted @ Sunday, March 18, 2012 3:14 PM by Mitch
Ok here it is 
 
 
 
I was selfish, uncaring, irresponsible, ignorant and just plain stupid.  
 
 
 
I repeated the above without regard to your feelings 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I made you feel to be less of a woman  
 
 
 
I made you feel like I don’t find you attractive 
 
 
 
I have made you not trust me 
 
 
 
I have given you too many questions to answer 
 
 
 
I hurt you 
 
 
 
I made you insecure 
 
 
 
I took away your beauty 
 
 
 
I took away your strength 
 
 
 
I made you angry 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It was wrong of me! 
 
 
 
Any and all excuses I have offered are not acceptable in shape or form. Wrong is wrong 
 
 
 
It is not right and never will be 
 
 
 
If I feel inferior or down I need to find a good outlet to channel my stress and not something that will hurt you 
 
 
 
There is no excuse just because I am a man 
 
 
 
I had no right to do what I did 
 
 
 
Looking at porn is cheating 
 
 
 
It is degrading to look at porn 
 
 
 
You do not need to understand why I did it. 
 
 
 
I need to understand I destroyed your feelings and understand the sin I forced onto you 
 
 
 
I was even more stupid in trying to deny it or hide it from you. Your light exposed my darkness 
 
 
 
There is no justification to do this to you 
 
 
 
There is no justification to do it to myself 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am a better man than this 
 
 
 
You deserve the best from me 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I have no right to get angry but when I do it is only because I want to take your hurt away. This is because I truly do love you and can’t turn back the hands of time 
 
 
 
I want to hold you not because I do not understand the hurt, but because I want your hurt to go away 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Just so you know 
 
 
 
I am lucky you came into my life 
 
 
 
You are beautiful beyond measure 
 
 
 
You are more than enough for me physically and emotionally 
 
 
 
I desire nothing more than you for my life 
 
 
 
I want nothing else from you but your love and friendship 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I realize the road is long……… 
 
 
 
I would like to start our journey in life together again like the first time. 
 
 
 
Please do not give up on me 
 
 
 
Posted @ Monday, March 19, 2012 4:29 PM by Paul
Thinking about relationships in general it is fair to say that nobody owns nobody! Every body is free, to do whatever they want as far it does not hurt anyone. You may feel hurt for things I do, that is not in my control. I just can not act according to what you expect. I am a soul living in this cage like body with strange forces, as sex, that surprises me. If I spend more time with sex ideas, with sex related things, I probably need help. Because life should be much more than that. Sex should not be so important. Where have we learned to be loyal in sex in all that matters? If I suffer for sex reasons,if I stay late at night watching porn and you don't lucky you! But please, respect my strange behavior. If I do have to do it by your back, it is just because I am ashamed of myself, ashamed of my inner feelings. If you understand me when I am wanking alone, having solitaire sexual pleasure, also understand that after that I'll suffer alone, feeling guilty for not being able to resist to my male instincts. When I was a boy, it was like that, and there was nothing wrong. I thought when I grew up I would be different, but I'm still the same. Probably my(your) son will also fight against his nature. It is so strong!!! But If you care about me, help me. If I spend most of my time thinking about sex, please understand that I have a problem. Do not leave me alone, do not believe me if I say that I'm okey. I need help. A very delicate, respecfull help, otherwise I will lie to you. It may take some time. Sex is so powerfull, can bring so much pleasure or pain. You must understand I will never give up sex, I will never be a saint, if not with you, it will be in many crazy ways. I seems that I will need sex till the last day of my life.If you could only live one day with my male hardware + software, you could be able to undersatand me a litlle better. Only with a male body you would feel what I feel. If you want to take part on my journey, and want me to take part on your's, we should start accepting that we are different bodies, but our souls is made of the same stuff. If I feel that you respect me, believe me I'll do my best to be a better man. If you are able to see me, I'll notice that. Smart women like my wife knows how to do it. I am married for 20 year, 2 kids. Sometimes we watch porn together, sometimes we do anal sex. In my life I am beginning to understand that we always know what medicine to take, but we don’t know how much. There's no sin in anything, since there is respect. In our long married life, I know, she knows I've had hard times when I was too connected to sex, and also porn. But she was there respecting me and giving me my time We do have problems, but she is so smart, to deal with me,that makes my life make sense.I hope (and I do what I can) to do the same to her. I know what I’m talking about, I’ve been in previous relationships with narrow minded partners, like many I’ve seem above.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 9:03 AM by Nilson
Holly, It's possible that a real woman could be next. Porn doesn't always lead to an affair, but it can. What you should do is work on changing your relationship so that respect of the other person is practiced by both of you. Go to marriage counseling alone or with him to learn how to build a new and better marriage with respect. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 1:28 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Paul, Thanks for taking ownership of your behavior and sharing your thoughts. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 20, 2012 1:30 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I think that porn becomes really dangerous when women start watching it. I'm a 28 year old female and I frequent porn sites at least 4 times a week. I watch because I want to cheat. I want my boyfriend to preform all those naughty things I see in hard core gang bang and bondage screens. Im so sexually frustrated by my partner's limp dick that when I watch porn and see what I'm missing, I just want to run off... The only reason I stay is because I made a commitment and my guy is great in almost every other aspect of our relationship. Be warned men, of your woman starts viewing porn, she's considering performing the acts she views!!
Posted @ Wednesday, March 21, 2012 3:30 PM by Holly
I'm always so amazed at women's feelings on porn. It seems to lead to so many insecurities and pain. It has nothing to do with you ladies. It's a guy thing. Don't even try to understand it, just accept. A man may have something like 5 times more sex drive than a woman, and may deal with more frustrations at work, and sex is by far one of the best outlets there is. What one person labels as 'addiction' is just perfectly normal for someone else. I detest this judgmental, intolerant view, and it never helps solve anything. Men often have huge sex drive a woman will never be able to understand, but in fact, using porn for a man is a very healthy, non-promiscuous and loyal outlet, compared to many alternatives. Take a moment and consider; would you rather he had a mistress? Careful what you wish for! My experience: if a man doesn't have a strong porn life, he's probably got a mistress. Across the board, with few exceptions...
Posted @ Thursday, March 22, 2012 1:35 AM by Just Amazed
I think a lot of issues surrounding pornography in relationships could be avoided if men specifically were more communicative of their needs to their partner. In a lot of cases men watch pornography because of a need for more frequent, adventurous, or playful sex. It's easier to just go to a web site or watch a video than have a meaningful discussion with one's partner about sexual needs and desires. However, if you do get enough cojones to have that conversation and you have a loving, respectful partner who takes what you have to say into consideration, it can be 1000 times more satisfying and rewarding than any pornographic experience...because it's real! It opens a new chapter in your relationship, you feel accepted for who you are, including your sexual fantasies or desires.  
 
Yes, there is the potential that the partner will not be open to your needs and desires. That is a difficult thing. I still think using pornography makes the relationship gap bigger rather than helping solve the problem. Sexual conversations should be open-minded, respectful and encouraging. If your guy is still addicted to porn even though you're being open-minded about his desires, it is an unhealthy relationship. Get couples counselling (not just one of you, has to be both) and confront him - tell him how it makes you feel, that it is demeaning and don't let him scoff it off and say 'it's a man thing'. It's not, its a respect/love thing. If a man respects his partner, and respects that she needs a man to love her for who she is, he will grow up and cut off the porn. Focus your sexual appetite towards your partner, love them for who THEY are. Porn is hollow and fake, your partner is real. Treasure that and talk about it.  
 
Posted @ Saturday, March 24, 2012 4:40 PM by AC
Masturbation addiction is the problem. 
 
Porn is an adjuvant to our addiction. 
 
I can masturbate twice a day with or w/out porn. 
 
Porn is easily available, for free, at the speed of 4G. This is an unfortunate ally to a difficult problem for men. We have a built in urge towards beautiful woman and the internet offers a bevy of sensual, ready-to-go women at our disposal. Porn become an entangled web that we weaved and your patience to untangle this mess is needed. 
 
Porn can be very destructive. The bigger deal a married woman makes of it can enhance the problem. I know it’s hard not to take your husband’s fondness of porn personally, but you shouldn’t unless you have some secret power to always look 20 something with a hot body and change your shape and hair color in an instant…b/c this is what the internet offers. 
 
The issue your husband has is the unfortunate loss of control over a natural desire and he belongs to a very…VERY…large club (you are not alone). 
 
The problem of lust is big business. Marketing teams of very well paid (and smart) people create objects of lust from Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazines, Victoria Secret (mailed to your home and sit on your kitchen table), porn movies (soft core and hard). What do you think your husband thinks when he sees the girls in Victoria Secret? Those women are super hot and have an attitude of sex…nah it doesn’t affect him at all. 
 
Porn, fantasy, indulgence…you are facing an unfathomable foe and one that your husband has to have a desire to take on. The “world” does not consider lust, fantasy, indulgence a problem. However if lust to the mind was as ice cream to the body the “world” would have a problem with all us fat slobs who can’t control our eating habits. 
 
Bad habits whether lust, eating, drinking, gossiping should be controlled and I for one need help in the addiction to masturbation area. 
 
Thank you for writing this column to help get me thinking, and thank you to all for your personal opinions for open discussion.  
 
To you women, you are beautiful and worthy and I hope you and your husband can openly discuss this topic w/out anger. Make more effort to be sexual, give him things to think about when you’re not around.  
Posted @ Saturday, March 24, 2012 8:29 PM by Robert
Paul, that was beautiful. I teared up reading it; you describe perfectly how my husband makes me feel. 
 
 
I know my husband uses porn; I have a problem with it when it's frequent. We have watched movies together, and this is fine as it's something we do together. I also have a problem with him looking at young, beautiful women he finds on Facebook. The other day I came across a list of names. I googled them, and they were all pornstars. I'm just devastated. That he shows so much interest in specific girls, that he'd take the trouble to research them. He says he didn't look them up, just got the names off the Tv list of porn ppv. But he's lied so many times to me before, about porn and other things, that I don't believe him. I want to believe him, but I can't stretch my brain to do it. My confidence has taken a real beating over the porn issues we've had, and now it's just destroyed.  
 
 
I'm going to the library today, where I'll stack up on romance novels, to escape to a world without porn, and no checking out other women, where a man loves and has eyes for only one woman. I know it's not real, it's just my fantasy, as my husband's fantasy is every other woman on the planet.
Posted @ Sunday, March 25, 2012 11:23 AM by Kayla
Kayla, Please don't escape like your husband does -- 2 wrongs don't make a right. He can change and so can your relationship if you'll work at it. I help couples like the two of you change every day. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, March 27, 2012 12:36 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I have a husband who refuses to ask for help with this. He thinks he can do it on his own. He would never talk to someone like you Kurt. I've known about it for 8 years, and I'm sick and tired of it.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 27, 2012 12:56 PM by Kayla
It's simple...men are selfish pigs! I'm an attractive woman in my forties and was recently referred to as a "MILF" by a friend of my 16 year old. I am single by choice. The men that I've dated over the years have all seemed to have a porn addiction. I always end the relationships. I am trustworthy, loyal and dedicated and expect the same in return. For you women struggling with staying a man that insults you verbally or puts porn before you....run, do not walk. He's cheating on you every single time he admires one of these "hot, young" fully naked women. He's fantazing about them and thinks about them while he has sex with you. NO THANKS! Let the losers live a life of solitide with their fake imaginary girlfriends. Those women would have nothing to do with your man!
Posted @ Wednesday, March 28, 2012 9:28 PM by Gerr
Hi 
I am conflicted and confused. I found out a bit over a year ago that my 46-year-old 'boyfriend' has teen porn, as well as regular, online.  
 
Along with other sites, he belongs to a porn group on flickr, and 2 out of the 11 groups he belongs to involve the word ‘teen’. 
 
I know they are supposed to be over 18, but most of them do not look it. Most look like 16-17 year-old-girls (some younger) that are just having fun being teens and have NO idea they are being photographed and put on sites for men to ogle at and masturbate to! 
 
I have teenage girls — until I accidentally came across the porn, I thought nothing of his relationship to them as his girlfriend’s daughters — but I’ve noticed sometimes when talking to them, he puts a pillow over his crotch.  
 
I am a few years older than he is, thought I don't look it. I know I am fairly attractive — I notice men give me admiring looks when I am out, and I am interested in having sex with my boyfriend at last 3 TIMES as often as he is! I AM the real thing, and I think the porn stuff is interfering with our sex life. 
 
Also, let me say I am NOT one to be only interested in missionary style – not in the least, and he knows this. 
 
If I never initiated sex, it would be a lot less than the once every 10 days to 2 weeks it is (or less). I even waited more than two weeks a couple of times to see if he’d initiate -- he didn't. Sex for us has gotten less and less often as time goes on. 
 
What has concerned me terribly over time (been together almost 2 years now) is that he will show no interest in me in bed, will actively turn me down (say he's not in the mood), or pretend to be asleep, for up to two and even three weeks at a time, yet turns out he has spent 2,3,4,5 hours on those sites, teen ones included. 
 
A year ago I walked in on him – to his COMPLETE surprise and embarrassment, not to mention it was a morning after he turned me down. 
 
I’m confused and conflicted. We've talked about this a few times over the past (almost) 2 years. During the second conversation about this, he told me he thought he was addicted and wanted help with it. He doesn't seem to have made much progress.  
 
I am not sure now that when he says "he slipped" or "messed up" if he means because he let his life get overtaken by this hours/days of porn or because I stumbled upon the evidence again. 
 
What do you think? 
Posted @ Thursday, March 29, 2012 10:18 AM by Holly
I must say that Im alot older and wiser and porn seems to be something that we cant get away from. i just got back with my ex husband after 20 years who is also the father of my 4 sons. We separated many years ago due in part me not being very sexually active, but with 4 young sons all under the age of 5, i was exhuasted and sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Well needless to say, Im on overdrive now, I want him all the time, and well he doesnt.So I thought that maybe its because he is older and i know that males tend to lose some of that sex drive with age.Welp went into the history in the pc, not because I was thinking anything, but because i was looking for wa website I had visited and coudlnt remember the name of it, and saw so many porn sites that he has been going to when Im at work. I am just taken aback. I have no problem really with him looking at porn, but I do have a problem with him looking at that and not having sex with me.Im trying to be open minded about it, but just feel at odds even with myself. Just not sure what do to.
Posted @ Thursday, March 29, 2012 10:43 AM by Sarah
Sarah -- just want to say thanks for commenting on this ...  
 
All I've read so far is that when porn use replaces the real stuff - is more desired than the 'real' thing, there is a major problem going on, usually emotional.  
 
I'm not trying to place blame anywhere, but at this point, I am wondering if it's worth staying in this relationship. Apparently he's had this problem for over 25 years - never gave it up for his wife .... so I am really wondering if he's ever going to make any more of an effort or progress.
Posted @ Thursday, March 29, 2012 11:29 AM by Holly
To prevent any confusion, I am going to sign as Holly G now - I see there is another Holly on this thread/site. 
 
My posts are dated Thursday March 29, 2012 at 10:18 am and 11:29 am.
Posted @ Thursday, March 29, 2012 11:37 AM by Holly G
I think Gerr kinda has it right, relationships are becoming more and more of a hassle for both parties. If men want variety, control, a quick fix with no complications whenever they want, then men don't want a monogamous relationship. Let them live in a fantasy world where every women is dying for them to please them. Women can't and shouldn't try and change them; we should accept it, it's just a guy thing.  
 
Women should relish the love we receive from friends and family and build those strong relationships with those who really care for you. We can find love and sensitivity in raising our own family without the help of a man. Men can come home from work and watch porn all day then without the bother of someone who wants to emotionally connect with them while they just want to quickly get off to let go of stress. Of course they can still go out and find some chick to take home with them for the night, but there is risk involved in that as she might say no, so it's better he just stick with the porn. It's safer. 
 
I think this all comes down to a power struggle. Men want sex, they need women for that, and thus by granting a women the right to say "no" women now have sexual power over a man. And they hate it. They want women who always say "yes." So either women all start being "yes" women and let men do whatever they want to their bodies, while maintaining a perfect physique for the entirety of their life or men realize that sex is not going to make them happy and fulfilled. otherwise, monogamous relationships are just going to be sources of stress on both sides.
Posted @ Thursday, March 29, 2012 11:39 AM by brigit
@ Just Amazed - your ignorant attitude irks me. You fail to see that men watching porn (in a relationship) can have a major impact on the sexual dynamic in that relationship. To say that men suffer more work stress and have a higher sex drive is plain wrong. I am an attractive woman in my sexual prime in a long term committed relationship, with a busy job and a constant desire for fun. I have a high sex drive that is rarely satisfied within the relationship because my partner regularly chooses to stay up watching porn, or stay back a work watching porn. It is not just about men. It is about what this behaviour does to women and the relationship. At first I felt a little upset and insecure, but now I am just frustrated. There is nothing on the web that excites me as much as the real thing, yet I can't get it because my man is too busy bathed in the blue cyber glow of porn.. so what's a girl to do? It doesn't leave many options other than to leave... or stray? Sad world we have created.
Posted @ Friday, March 30, 2012 6:02 AM by Frustrated
I have been married 5 yrs now, my husband does not use porn, but my boyfriend of 6 yrs before I met my husband did. What women need to realize is that they do not have to settle for a man who prefers porn. If this is hurtful to you and you express this to your partner and they choose to continue doing it, it is not your responsibility to "meet their needs". You all deserve a man who loves you, desires you and can be faithful in body and mind. Don't settle for some selfish pig who would rather pleasure himself to some random women who have no respect for themselves, than to engage in passionate love making with a confident woman. I think the real appeal with porn is that these are women who are acting as if their only purpose in life is to bring men pleasure at the cost of their own dignity and self respect. A man who truly loves and respects women would not find this attractive. It took me a long time to realize this. My husband and I have a very exciting sex life and we are very open and honest with each other. 
 
Posted @ Sunday, April 01, 2012 3:55 PM by M
I just need to masturbate sometimes and porn helps make it enjoyable.
Posted @ Monday, April 02, 2012 4:06 PM by Michael Wong
Wow, I feel so much better after reading every ones post. I have been dating a guy 8 yrs my younger. I'm 33, healthy, good looking but very slim and lean. ( Happens when you're vegan) I have a strong sense of self, so when I found the HUNDREDS of links in my computers history I was shocked, hurt and PISSED. Porn and its like ruined a relationship long ago for me. He was stuck on it and wouldn't let it go(along with talking and chatting with Exs)so I let him go. I have HORRIBLE trust issues. And I can't remember the last time I was "in love" because of it. 
 
Short of it, I walked in to the LIVING room to find my BF on the computer with a large backsides naked beaver on the screen. He tried shutting it and saying he got the blue- screen of death. I walked out.  
 
Lies and cheating. I view porn as cheating when you are in a relationship. I've looked at porn, and have pleased myself. When I was single. 
 
If you have a partner that is supposed to be there for YOU, and you for him, porn should not enter the picture. 
 
What I learned about a guy who I thought I knew? He prefers big heavy women and anal. Two things I'm not. When I returned he could see I was clearly agitated. I finally asked him "Do you need some private time?" 
He seemed consicerned that it upset me. 
"I'm not upset by the porn persay, its the subverseve sneaky nature. COME ON I'm HOME!" 
 
All he could do was apologies for making me uncomfortable. He never said he wasn't going to look again. 
 
What hurts is that he stopped for two days, and then went right back.(He doesn't know how to clean the HX) 
 
The question has been approached by many posters, how to discuss the issues with your partner. 
 
I'm thinking an old fashion sit down is in order for us. 
 
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 12:30 PM by Ann
Kayla, If your husband won't talk to someone like me, then you should. Couples counseling doesn't require both partners to attend for it to work. -Kurt 
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 2:02 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Holly, It sounds like your boyfriend has a problem with porn that he's not going to be able to change by himself. He needs help and you need to insist that he gets it if you want the porn to stop. You do need to be concerned about how his viewing of teen porn could affect his interactions with your daughters. if you don't know how to insist that he get help and change, then get guidance from a professional counselor. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 2:07 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Frustrated, Very good points. You're right that porn negatively affects the sexual dynamic as well as many other aspects of the relationship. There is a third option besides leave or stray, and that is to stop the porn and change the relationship that allows it. That's the work I do with couples. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 2:17 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
my husband and i had a mutual agreement on porn fact being he is so tired all week so i only get it once a week maybe 2 X but since he got his smartphone thats whats on it we have been togeather for 10 yrs and have done everything in the bedroom he wanted me to now i feel violated because he rather watch that than be with me i have done everything he asks gained weight for him he says his friends borrows his phone but how can i trust what he says when all this stuff is on it at certian times im feeling ugly right now
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 2:40 PM by jazmen
I think when you've realised that you have a problem with pornography, you should check out these guys. 
 
http://www.sa.org/test.php
Posted @ Tuesday, April 03, 2012 11:07 PM by MDogg
My boyfriend and i have been together for a year now . When i found out he watched porn I was extremely hurt and upset.He tried to make me feel better saying it wasnt all the time just when i wasn't around or too tired or just out of boredom.  
That didn't help i have low self esteem thanks to some shitty past relationships. I wish i never found out because now i look for it on his phone or the computer . 
 
We've talked about it many times and i did try and be open minded about it we watch it together sometimes. That doesn't bother me. Its when he watches it alone and i feel like its all the time on his phone. Im tired of the conversation with him because its redundhant. I try and not take it personally but i can't help . I love him more then i ever thought possible i want to spend the rest of my life with him but i read all these comments about all you lovely married women who still feel like this and it makes me think will i ever really be ok with this?? 
Sure some days it doesn't bother me but 99% of the time i feel like nothing i can do or change will make it stop. It doesn't matter what lingerie i wear or how attractive i try and be. It doesn't matter that i never turn him down when hes in the mood.. its "variety, the act"...all of the above "reasons men give why its "OK" 
 
He told me last time we had this conversation he would just not look at it because it wasn't that big of a deal to him... but he still does and i knew eventually he would again. So i either can pretend it doesn't bother me or we can have the same redundant conversation all over again where i try to explain why it is so hurtful to me and he trys to explain why its ok I even went as far as to say just hide it! if im not with you just hide it i dont want to know. but he said he wasn't going to hide anything from me and that wouldn't ever end well. but honestly this isnt any better! 
 
.. face it women understanding why men watch porn would be like trying to get men to understand what its like to have a period.  
 
At least we're not alone in feeling like we're not good enough for our significant others.. there is some comfort in that at least.. 
Posted @ Thursday, April 05, 2012 3:31 PM by V
I didn't sleep last night because I found out that my husband of 4 years went to chat rooms for sexual purposes. I got mad first. I was yelling like crazy. He gave me lame excuses that don't even make any sense. Something like "I don't know why I did it. I'm just stupid. I won't do it again". The thing is I fought him doing the same about 3 years ago. I wanted to leave him then because we were not married yet. He talked me out of it, I forgave him but I told him that I would leave if this happens again. Two days ago I found out he was doing it once in a while during these years. He lied to me and we are married. My madness is gone but there is this bitter feeling that is worse than being mad. Now, I feel I wasnt enough. All my insecurities that I made peace with have come back. I want to leave. I want to appreciated but I'm so baffled. He treats me so well in every day life. He's always turned on by me from a slightest touch or just from looking at me walking in my underwear. How does it work? I'm so confused, anxious, and just feeling like crap. 
Posted @ Friday, April 06, 2012 6:09 AM by Anna
I recently found porn on my husbands phone and yes it did upset me, mostly because for the past 2 years he has refused to have sex with me. He flat out turns me down every single time and he never initiates with me, yet he view porn.
Posted @ Friday, April 06, 2012 12:04 PM by Amy
What a depressing topic and even more degrading experience for a woman....me included. @ Shelly, girl it doesn't matter if your a playmate or your beautiful really it doesn't...a man with a disease "selfishness" and "lack of control" is a man with a disease. I am married to a man 13 years younger than me and I know I look damn good and it wouldn't matter if I did or not but for some reason we think of I look good I'm open to this position, this experience why does he look at porn why doesn't he want just me.....I think we need to get past ourselves and realize it has nothing to do so much with us but with them.....they have the sexual demon and anyone who is disillusioned by thinking that they can make porn part of their sex life and use to add spice is doing so "I hope" with the full awareness there is always someone else in your bed during love making and you invited them. Women need to hold fast to their self respect. I am going through this right now Four years I've been with m husband and I've caught him several times before and I have discussed with him how it makes me feel. I've watched it with him I've acknowledged that is something that is nothing he should be ashamed of but needs to try to figure out where it's stemming from....watching it with was my sad attempt at trying to stay included...he said he wasn't doing it anymore...I never believed but gave him the small benefit of the MY doubt... and just I've asked him periodically how are things going you looking at porn..you feeling the urge..he says yes but no he's not ...I do whatever this bum wants so it's not me....I think they look because they are selfish they want to see variety their fantasy is to have that girl who will bend over and take it and never have an opinion or a concern......just a moan....one of the biggest most infectious disease that will ultimately ruin man and corrupt him to the core is the internet.....it is a plague. SO long story short....I caught him again and told him I can no longer compromise my inner peace anymore. I truly feel he doesn't trust me, I surely don't trust him.....he has sexual demons, anger demons he lies and I simply cannot trust his private thoughts...i don't expect miracles but because I have had my own sexual demons very strong one and i have conquered them with self control..I know this issue can be overcome if he really wanted to rid himself of the toxic waste he is filing his head with.....it goes from porn to girls on the street to girls in their head in your bed...so if you think you can have your cake and eat it to ..do so knowingly or love yourself to trust yourself and make healthy decisions for you, Not every man in this world looks at porn....trust that.
Posted @ Sunday, April 08, 2012 8:20 PM by sc
i started trying to buy my way into womens life when i was in grade school, now at age 56 i'm still doing the same thing. i'm a looser!! from one bad relationship to another. HELP!!!!!!!!
Posted @ Sunday, April 08, 2012 11:15 PM by WILLIE
Anna, Your husband can still be interested in sex with you despite wanting to look at porn too. For many men, looking at porn doesn't mean they're not attracted to the partners. They just like the high of looking at other women. That doesn't mean that there aren't negative affects from it though. The dishonesty and lack of mutual respect in your marriage needs to change. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, April 10, 2012 12:43 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Willie, Despite what many of the angry women (and justifiably angry) who've left comments might say, you're not a loser. It sounds like you've made some bad decisions for many years. It's never too late to become the man you want to be. Find a professional counselor to help you learn how to become that man. I help guys with this every day and they become the partners the women on this post really want. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, April 10, 2012 12:47 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I am one of these men who needs newness and variety in order to become sexually aroused. This was the case even before I got married where I would lose interest in the women I was dating fairly quickly after the relationships would start. Needless to say my marriage became sexless within a few months of the wedding. The trouble is this loss of interest is not just a boredom thing, it effects me physically making it impossible to get an erection or have an orgasm once I lose my sexual desire for a woman. We tried therapy but nothing helped. We stayed together though and we are coming up on our 25th anniversary. Porn has been a godsend to me because it is the only way I can get the sexual newness and variety I need without having to go outside the marriage to find it through affairs or one night stands. So porn is not all bad and it is appreciated by men who have difficulty with "normal" sexual relationships.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 11, 2012 9:11 AM by
I have given my husband "unlimited" access to seeing me naked, and make a point of parading around in the nude. My body is "average" at best. This has curbed his interest in viewiwng any porn...perhaps there is a connection. Men like to see naked!! 
Posted @ Wednesday, April 11, 2012 2:05 PM by Absolute Christine
Im a 14 year old teenager that needs advice. The other day I was looking through my dads web history on his phone and found that he was looking through tenage porn but specifically 14 year olds , MY age. Im really scared I feel like in a way hes trying to do things woth me by looking at other 14 year old . Im scared but I cant run to anybody I know for advice , please help . HELP DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO :(
Posted @ Wednesday, April 11, 2012 6:29 PM by Devestated.
This is all bullshit. Men look at porn because they are selfish and have no respect for their partner. I hate the old line that looking at porn or fantasizing about screwing someone else keeps men faithful... really? So looking at porn kept that guy from screwing the nasty, unattractive fat girl when he was single? No, it didn't. All fantasies do is detatch us from reality and it is a waste of time. Enjoy the person you are with, drown yourself in your wife's youth instead of wasting the time you have with her thinking about something you don't have a chance in hell with anyway. Enjoy her youth while you have it moron, and then remember it later when you make love to her. I promise that if you do that then you will get a women that is willing to let a whole lot of the little things, like forgetting to take out the trash, breaking her favorite plater or failing to fix the dripping tap, go. She'll be more attracted to you and self confident and therefore willing to do a lot of the things you think she won't in the bedroom. She won't get upset if you want to hang out with your buddies, or take a guys only camping/hunting trip because she'll know that the only woman you care to think about in that way is her. Or you can continue to look at porn, destroy your woman's self esteem, and alienate and devalue her until you end up driving her into the arms of a man that realizes how wonderful she is, a real man that only wants her...
Posted @ Thursday, April 12, 2012 7:10 PM by Jasmine
I think after a wife has kids many men stop looking at her as a sexual object. Instead they crave the type of women that are opposite to the wife. So see prostitutes or go to strip clubs and others turn to porn. According to Berkowitz in his book on why men refuse to have sex with their wives the number one reason men gave was that the wife was not sexually adventurous enough and sex was boring. So perhaps women need to be aware of this and try extra hard to appeal to the sexual needs of their husbands as well as their need to have their masculinity respected. When men see their wives in a mother role it is a sexual turn off.
Posted @ Thursday, April 12, 2012 8:03 PM by
I'm a 40 year old woman married to a 53 year old man-child. We have been married for over 13 years and I'm really beginning to think that I'm done. We tried last year to have a child and failed tragically and miserably. We were, re-read: 'were', going to try again this month. Last year when we were in the process of trying, I walked in on my husband after a horrible day at a job that I hated only to find my husband masturbating to porn. He was so into it he either didn't care or realize I was home and standing in the door of our home office watching him in shock. I know that it hasn't stopped since that day as I'm not that stupid. I've been home most of the morning today except for my early morning yoga class, and my husband decided that rather than spend time with me, porn was a little more important. I look younger than my age, I'm not ugly, I'm smart, I have a masters degree and two state licensures, I have a new job that pays me well, I pay my own bills honestly (not like some bimbo that gets money for sticking her privates up to a webcam), I'm confident, and I workout. I know that I have a ton to offer to a man that wants me and respects me. So here's my new perspective on life: While my husbands ass becomes one with the leather office chair as he watches and interacts with an on-line fantasy, I'm taking off my wedding rings and will start to lead a fulfilling REAL life, not a virtual on-line one. I'm funny, I can be sexy and alluring, I can be adventurous, and even sultry for the right man. Right now the right man is out there somewhere and he's not going to find me on a chat room or an x-rated website. By the way, yoga inspires some really interesting sexual postures that are more fun to try than to watch someone else do without you on a tiny screen. Men, you have a choice: sit back and watch a good thing get away or turn off the computer and join in with live people that will fufill more than just a fantasy.
Posted @ Saturday, April 14, 2012 5:32 PM by T.P.
Women always think that the reason men look at porn is that there is something wrong with them as wives or girlfriends. While this may be true in some relationships this is usually not the case. Men love sexual variety and their primary sexual sense is the visual. Porn gives men both these things in great abundance. Women also believe that the porn men are watching consists of nothing but beautiful women. While some Hollywood style porn does have these types of women there are huge sub-genres of porn that are extremely popular that feature fat women, older women, couples who you wouldn't look twice at in Walmart, hairy women, ugly women etc etc etc. It is the variety of women and the variety of sex acts, many that men cannot experience with their wives and girlfriends, that is porn's big draw. Women think that if a man is sexually satisfied with her why would he look at porn and again this is the wrong way to look at it. Think about all the stories you've heard about male celebrities married to gorgeous women who get caught with women who could not hold a candle to their wives. Sexually men like "strange" and this has nothing to do with looks, education, university degrees or financial success but rather it is all about sexual newness and variety.
Posted @ Saturday, April 14, 2012 6:38 PM by Elco
Devastated, It's really important that you don't jump to the conclusion that your dad looking at 14 year old girls means he's thinking the same way about you. The two don't have to be connected. Is there an adult you can tell what you found? Like your dad's wife or girl friend? He needs some help but needs to hear it from someone else. If you have more concerns, write to me through the email on the website contact page. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, April 18, 2012 12:39 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
For me, it seems like a state of schizophrenia, two completely different persons inside of my mind, controlling my emotions, directions and even performance attitude. 
The one who is addicted to porn is lazy, weak, tens, hesitating and horny most of his time, after whatever the other person is vital, powerful, calm, certain and decent most of his period. 
The key is when and how each of them can take control.
Posted @ Friday, April 20, 2012 11:56 AM by Schizophrenia
Okay this is a FACT: PORN IS DESTRUCTIVE. Plain and simple. It IS cheating as a man is lierally, listen up- getting off on other women while he is with you. THIS IS WRONG!!!!! I am so SICK of the fact that we women are made to feel that we have to accept this bullshit. I met a guy about 8 mnths ago and all he wants is porn porn and porn. Guess what? When he met me, he was engaged unbeknownst to me, and all he did was lie lie and lie. And try to deceeive me to get me into bed just so he could have his porn three or fivesome fantasy. I have NEVER slept with him, and have tried to cut off communication with him, but he will come back once a month and ask me for it..telling only that he just wants to use my body. He has never made me feel beautiful. He tries to use me and is selfish always selfish, and he has a major porn addiction. He goes on craigslist searching for sluts who will be his sex slave and who will be willing to have sex with other girls while he watches and occasinally and LAZILY sticks his nether regions in all of them. I respond to him bc i want to help him see, but he is so cold and cut off. If we aren't talking about kinky sex, then he doen't want to talk to me...and he's married i want to help him see how damaging he is being. He lies constantly about EVERYTHING...i mean everything...and guess what? He is good at it with others bc he is charming and pretends he is this nice guy when he isn't. Ladies!!!! Something has to be done. Men who watch porn will tell you anything to get you out of their hair...they may say they don't get off on the women and that it's about the act, but guess what..men love hot bodies and beautiful women and that's why they watch it! Stand up and say no. I have learned i can't help this guy so i am too. I know it's hard as we become emotionally attched but the longer you wait to walk away, the longer it will take for you to feel good about yourself. Your man should get off on you all the time..not other women! No exceptions! And kurt? Your advise to women on this so far has been very dissapointing..probably bc you're a porn watcher too. Honestly women, turn to God and ask him to bring a man into your life that will lust after only you as this is the way it was intended. Evil and men have abused sex since the beginning and porn is a sick epidemic that people just aren't grasping. The more he watches sex with other women, the less he desires you and that is a FACT!!! Don't listen to his bullshit lies he tells you or his excuses. If he is a man, he needs to step up and GROW up and shut off the computer.
Posted @ Saturday, April 21, 2012 12:27 PM by Michelle
youre all so old fasioned on this. obviously there are some people with real problems here but for the majority of u.......get your smart heads on and really think about it.....women, if u could go on this machine thats 24 hour and in your home always switched on that gave u chocolate ud be on that like the clap.....porn.....24hour, its in our home n guess what, its got better than chocolate its got naked women!ladies all i can say is its temptin fate i no if someone put a piece of choci in front of me id eat it jus like if theres pictures and movies of naked women i will look at them!the reason we wont admitt it is because society has always told us its private and maybe some may feel embarassed!the perfect world is if all these women could stop thinking its degrading/cheating watever u wana call it and just enjoy it, and if u cant get over it....men r from mars and women are diffently from venus! 
Posted @ Sunday, April 22, 2012 3:21 AM by luke
This is absolutely true. Women can rail against porn but free, easily available porn with an unlimited variety of sex acts done by an unlimited amount of men, women and those in between, is really here to stay. The only way to keep men away from it is to not have internet access in the home. With porn it is like somebody with a degree in male sexual psychology sat down and designed something that few men could resist. And the newest twist to the story is that the last barrier for men watching it, the fact that you had to pay has now disappeared and porn on the internet, for the most part is now free.  
 
Being able to sit down in front of a comouter and basically choose which kind of women (or men)- race, looks, height, weight you want to have fantasy sex with that day is just to irresistible for some men and directly caters for men's love of for sexual variety. All this without having to leave home and often with no one else the wiser for it.  
 
Still, I think one small silver lining for women is that some men can walk the tightrope between watching porn and still wanting sex with their girlfriends, especially at the beginning of a relationship when partner sex is still relatively new and exciting.  
 
But in the last few years this has been changing. The dark side of the cloud though is young men who grow up masturbating to the intense stimulation of hard core porn right from puberty and when they do finally get the chance to have sex with a real person it is often anticlimactic and some even have trouble getting and maintaining an erection or having an orgasm because partner sex is not as sexually stimulating as what they have grown used to. More and more these day Sex Therapists are seeing young guys coming into their offices complaining of sexual dysfunctions caused by a lower than optimal level of sexual desire for a partner because they have been conditioned to intense sexual stimulation and unending variety offered by internet porn.
Posted @ Sunday, April 22, 2012 9:09 AM by Elco
The "it's just a guy thing, you will never understand it so just accept it" line is a cop-out excuse. Imagine a woman running up a $250 credit card debt buying shoes every week and you tell her it makes you feel like a door mat and disrespected, and she quips back with, "Well, I'm a woman, that's what women do. We shop. It's so easy, especially with online shopping these days. I'm afraid you'll never understand it. It's just a woman thing!" How well would that fly with you guys? 
 
It's not about sex and it's not about shoe shopping. It's about respecting what gravely offends your partner. If you don't have that decency, man or woman, you deserve to be alone with your addiction.
Posted @ Sunday, April 22, 2012 10:29 PM by JoJo 2
jojo2, 
how can u even compare your argument because when was the last time anyone on here rack up a bill of 250$ on porn????thats the point its free and easily accessable! i think u have got the worng end of the stick im not claiming it to be a guy thing, as 95% of my girlfriends iv had enjoyed watching porn with me and without, my point is its tempting fate.its like putting a line of cocain in front of someone who enjoys to take drugs but telling them it would offend you if they took it. but of course as you wouldnt approve it must make them an addict. i just think its extremly small minded of u to blame porn for there sexual issues....maybe your just with the wrong person!also to label someone an addict just bacause you dont approve of something they do is plain ridiculous. good luck looking for the one and only guy that doesnt enjoy looking at naked women for free i htink ull find him but i also think he will be a very confused homosexual! big shout to all those lovely ladies spreading their legs for us appriciative people male or female.jojo hope u grow up one day and confront your issues n stop blaming others.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 24, 2012 10:11 AM by luke
There is another huge group of people for whom porn is their only sexual outlet. Married men whose wives no longer want sex. Single men who for various reasons have trouble finding a sex partner but would rather not have to pay for sex. Men who suffer from sexual dysfunction when attempting to have sex with a partner but do not experience these troubles while masturbating alone- (quite common)Lonely men who would love nothing better than to have sex with a real person but can't. For all these people porn is a Godsend as it allows them to have an intense and satisfying orgasm which is as close as they can get to real sex. Nobody ever speaks of for these millions of lonely men without partners.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 24, 2012 10:19 AM by Elco
Luke, you are completely missing the correlation. It is not about money spent. I am going to spell it out for you: 
 
IT IS ABOUT NOT CARING THAT SOMETHING YOU ARE DOING IS BADLY HURTING YOUR PARTNER AND BRUSHING IT ASIDE AS "It's just a guy thing, accept it and move on"! IT SHOWS A COMPLETELY FUNDAMENTAL LACK OF RESPECT AND SELFISHNESS. 
 
Don't like the shoe example, pick another! They all work! I didn't label everyone who likes porn an addict. I'm talking about people like Just Amazed who refuse to even consider how much it can damage a partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two consenting adults enjoying porn together or if your significant other doesn't mind you watching it. You don't get my post, you just call names so I don't know why I'm even bothering trying to explain it to you.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 24, 2012 5:08 PM by JoJo2
Everyone, There is a lot of anger in many of these comments - and understandably so. But ladies, please remember that the purpose of this and other posts on this site on porn addiction is to give understanding as to why men look at porn, not to excuse it. Unfortunately, some of the male comments just make excuses, but there are a few who own their mistakes. Let's all remember that the goal here is for us all to learn how to have better, healthy relationships. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 9:54 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
JOJO I DO SEE YOUR POINT BUT I GUESS IV NEVER BEEN IN THE POSITION WHERE LOOKING AT PORN HAS BADLY HURT MY PARTNER.I APOLOGISE FOR GETTIN SILLY AND GETTIN OFF THE POINT BUT I DONT APOLOGISE FOR MY OPINION.I DONT BELIEVE THERE IS A RIGHT A WRONG HERE, IT CLEARLY EFFECTS OTHERS IN DIFFERENT WAYS AND EACH CASE IS DIFFERENT. I WASNT TRYING TO SAY THAT ITS A MAN THING AS IT IS NOT...I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE POINT THAT AS ITS SOO EASILY ACCESSIBLE ITS KINDA TEMPTING FATE. JUST LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC HAS TO ENDURE WHILST WALKIN THROUGH TOWN PAST PUBS AND CLUBS ETC ETC. I THINK ITS ALSO IRONIC THAT I CAME ACCROSS THIS SITE AS I WAS BORED AT HOME, WHILST MY MISSUS IS DOING NIGHTS, I TYPED IN TO GOOGLE-WHAT IS THERE TO DO ON THE INTERNET OTHER THAN LOOK AT PORN...AND HERE I AM, NOT LOOKING AT IT BUT TALKING ABOUT IT. BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR POINT THAT IF IT IS HURTING A PARTNER ITS INEXCUSIBLE, BUT DIFFERENCES ON THOSE KIND OF SCALES, IN MY OPINION, A RELATIONSHIP JUST WOULDNT WORK! 
I PERSONALLY SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH PORN AS I SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH PROSTITUTION, STRIP CLUBS, DRUG TAKING ETC AS IT IS PERSONAL CHOICE. BUT AS WITH ANYTHING ABUSING 1 THING IS ALWAYS GOING TO HAVE ITS CONSEQUENCES WHETHER IT IS DRUG TAKING, OVER EATING OR PORN... 
KURT-APOLOGIES FOR GETTIN OFF THE POINT.ADDICTIONS ARE AWFUL EXPERIENCES FOR PEOPLE AND THERE LOVED ONES AND ITS IMPORTANT THAT PEOPLE WHO HAVE THESE ADDICTIONS GET HELP BY WHATEVER WAY POSSIBLE. BUT BECAUSE THE MINORITY OF PEOPLE BECOME ADDICT DOESNT MEAN THE REST OF US WHO USE RESPONSIBLE SHOULDNT GET TO ENJOY IT!
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 11:03 AM by LUKE
also elco you got your head screwed on. i like the points u make! and everyone else these dicussions no matter how heated they get are good because the more points of views we hear creates more understanding on the real issues (which addmittidly i missed).i didnt know porn addictions existed never really thought about it to be honest!so discussions are a form of education for the masses out there! 
although i stil believe it un natural for a male not to enjoy looking at porn (can only speak from a male point of view as i am male)
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 11:16 AM by luke
Let's all remember one important fact. There is no such thing as porn "addiction" in the medical sense of the term. Despite much pressure from religious groups and those who stand to reap financial rewards from an official designation of heavy porn use as an "addiction" the American Psychiatric Association rightly believes that heavy porn use is a symptom of other, already recognized psychological problems and is indeed, a symptom of those. Just try and get an insurance company to pay for "porn addiction" treatment in the United States (and most other countries who use the APA Diagnostic Guide for billing patients) ....good luck because they won't. But the Religious Right, Sex Addiction "Speciali$t$" and the various 12 Steppers out there love to call heavy porn use an addiction. It is a word which has far more cache than "personality disorder, attachment disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Intimacy Anxiety etc, etc., which are just some of the true medical causes of some men's heavy porn use often accompanied by a lack of desire for real life partners. And for many if not most guys using porn and masturbating a lot is really just a bad habit. And for all the lonely men without partners and with no hope of finding a sexual partner, like I said above, far from being a nasty "addiction" porn is a godsend.
Posted @ Thursday, April 26, 2012 12:26 PM by Elco
My boyfirend made a strange comment that reminded me of somthing i typed to a friend of mine on skype. He left this weekend for a "bowling tournament" who knows. Anyway i was like wtf so i looked on his computer. I was mortified to find that on a regular basis he stockpiles my conversations with other people from my computer onto his so he can read them... and thats not the kicker. Because im so pissed i decided to comb through his computer and back it all up on an external hardrive to keep for proof when i leave his ass... along that journey i find a folder labeled "Mondays" with porn pictures in them... and then i realize these arent any porn pictures... these are pictures of him with a better looking blonde. WHy would you have your face in them?lol Anyway i called and freaked out on him he said he could prove that they arent of him and that they are from a website... We will see. Either way im still leaving... I'm learning that maybe now I'd rather watch porn then have sex with him. I hate how porn is set up for guys to live their fantasy. You guys really think our dream is to come home and have sex with you... The once stud in college to the guy who gained on more than a few and doent realize that now people cant p=figure out how a guy like that can have a marathon running chick with blond hair down to her butt... And im still not good enough. Maybe ill just finally go out for drink with the office guys that ask and i always turn them down. Maybe ill go and feel appreciated and we will see where you rank then.
Posted @ Saturday, April 28, 2012 10:41 AM by Hope
Hello, I've been reading all these comments and.. I'm 22 years old my boyfriend is 36 years old. I'm good looking I'm sexy whatever u like.. but yes, he watches porn . Well at first I was upset I felt I am not good enough I lost my self confidence for a moment. But the fact is that I watch porn as well cause sometimes I feel hot and he is not there to satisfy me. My sex drive is much stronger than his ( guess cz his age) . I dont believe in psychology and all that things. I talked to his about it and we decided to watch porn together.( not that it fixed any) I'm really open minded and about sex I am much better than any porn star I can do everything and I'll enjoy it. But I'll tell u what girls the problem is not in us it our bfs or husbands who have problems. They got a low self confidence and they are lazy to have sex. ( Tired of working probably ) They wish they r a porn star guy but they can't be cz they r useless. I was faithful but whatever I do whatever I talk whatever we decide nothing changes. And nothing will fix your problems , ladies and the reason is that u r with the wrong man :) I'm sure I'm with the wrong one ( u can c the difference of 14 years ) even tho at first I loved sex with him but he cant be always like that .. old tired man . I write this because I saw so many upset women and Its sad. U'll always be better so dont stick to men that doesnt deserve u and disrespect u.
Posted @ Sunday, April 29, 2012 11:16 AM by Dana
There really is no way to justify degrading women. The women in the videos are just as sad as the men who need to see it. I agree with the people who think it is cheating when you are in a relationship: you are refusing to communicate with your partner enough to include your needs. If you have to do anything behind their back, it's a lie. Lying ruins trust, whether you are comfortable with porn or not. Use your head. We aren't stupid animals, we are human beings who are capable of control. If you can't live your life with another person-making them comfortable and loved, then be alone and do whatever you want! Who do you think you are? Obviously not a deserving partner. You are a selfish pig.
Posted @ Sunday, April 29, 2012 4:56 PM by Anti-porn
why is it the most intelligent comment on ere comes from a 13year old boy....grow up ladies ure all jus bitter that another guy bites the dust!well its pretty mutual feelings really n if u wernt so judgemental and unaccepting maybe jus mayb those guys would include u.i know i do woth my girlfriend.i cant stand these women that think its so degrading to women.if u dont like dont watch it n find someone who feels the same...but dont tar every guy with the same brush cos your mans not turned ot the person u thought he was!u really think men dont go through the same issue with women...its scarey how many nieve women there are on here!go out n travelt he world n find out whats really important to you other than slaggin off men for watchin porn!and they call men the biggots!!!!!
Posted @ Monday, April 30, 2012 2:35 PM by luke
antiporn-hav u thought that maybe these men dont need it but just enjoy it and are bored of sad old fashioned cock blocks that are on offer like yourself!??
Posted @ Monday, April 30, 2012 2:40 PM by luke
Well it is annoying when one is in a committed relationship and there is bigger fish to fry than to watch porn. My relationship with the father of my kids is ending for one of them too. I'm 23 hr is 29. His "fantasies" are teens and asians. Well, now he can enjoy it all by himself. As for me, since all men look porn I'll just focus on my kids, thank you. If I choose to look at porn it will be because I am single and won't be hurting anyones feelings over it. So I choose to move on and not dwell on it. Good luck with your porn dear!
Posted @ Tuesday, May 01, 2012 5:04 AM by chris
Porn i not really the best thing in life as far as I feel about it. 
 
I don't see why anyone thinks it is so great. I used to think it would be, but I'm not really for it anymore. The dudes in it are weird and the chicks don't seem like very sensitive people. Aren't most of the guys in it gay or something?
Posted @ Tuesday, May 01, 2012 8:04 PM by Reynaldo
The 13 year old is emotionally mature a for his age and has a good grasp of what he and his peers need. Whether he understands the needs of grown women is yet to be seen.  
If porn is so great and makes you so happy and fulfilled why are you here arguing... go watch some porn and be fulfilled.  
 
anyway I came here looking for answers and there are no straight ones. lots of angry women, a few apologetic men and a few men standing up for the right to watch porn. 
ok the truth, i've been so focused on being the perfect mother i have not been keeping myself true to my shit hot form, i have not been taking it up the ass or on sex call 24/7 so i can see where i have left a gap but like a lot of the woman are saying if i come over horny for a few days its only short while before he is exhausted and asking what is wrong with me!  
i looked at the girls who do this work and thought whats the difference. well i'll tell you she was not better looking or a better human being but, she was writhing around, jiggling her boobs, mouthing call me and behaving as though she couldn't wait for it anytime of day. well if i was semi naked jiggling around on the bed while strangers wank over me i might look turned on but at the end of the day i'm with someone who i love through the ups and downs and i would not betray his trust. so why can he look and naked girls but i shouldn't be looked at when naked. its different he says.  
also in order for me to behave like this on a daily basis for one man only i need something in return, i need him to mow the lawn, slap me on the ass and whisper things in my ear.. oh yeah some men are lazy, can't be bothered and only want something for free and this is where the mind-numbing, mass dumbing porn industry steps in. . . 
 
reading these comments has been very useful thank you. 
i have learned as james suggest to keep down there trim and try new things. i have also learned it can be meaningless. it can be an excuse not to communicate with the partner. if desires are shared it is not as hurtful but generally to me it signals a lack in some area. some men just will and some men won't really, when you have a man as i do who didn't but now has, it is a signpost. 
ps fellas i'll let you know when the webcams loaded and ladies i'll let you know how my now ex responds...
Posted @ Thursday, May 03, 2012 4:45 PM by m
I have just come back to say that my (ex) man works in construction and I know often the lads will look at girls. I do not excuse this as ok but they are grown women making their own choice about their level of promiscuity and the boys are behaving with pack mentality. Likewise if he went to a strip club for a stag do i would not kick off. 
Any of the above i do not want to know about but i would not be overly offended but i draw the line there. Watching porn alone and getting off to it is a betrayal of body, mind, emotion. This is the first time in 12 years i have found my partner using porn this way and it changes how i feel about us and him. 
Like i said above it is a strict no from him that i should become a pornstar (lol) but i know he would feel betrayed if like one of the ladies above suggested i went around with different male friends, being intimate, having long chats and dinners but without the sex. How could this be real love, i get my emotional needs met by a number of men who I date with no sex involved while he gets his sexual needs met hardcore porn and somewhere in the middle we are supposed to meet have a relationship and love. This for me is not a functioning relationship, it would be people compromising and making do when they could be out there with someone who is truly into them in all aspects, even if thats 2 people who love porn or 2 people who have eyes only for each other. I just don't see the unfairness of a mix match working. and i have to be honest my heart is breaking.
Posted @ Friday, May 04, 2012 4:39 AM by m
I came on this to try to understand why my boyfriend of 7 months views porn and I'm so glad I did! Everyday he tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, how much he loves me, how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, etc.... and when I came across porn on his computer I felt so angry and hurt and didn't believe anything he said to me! Now I think I understand why he looks at it. He has had heart surgery, diabetes, takes a lot of medication and can't get an erection. He tells me how embarrassed he is about that!! I now think he views porn, not to see other women but to see at act! I still feel some kind of way about it but not as bad as I did at first. Thank you all for your comments they really did help me to understand.
Posted @ Monday, May 07, 2012 10:11 AM by Deb
I think the words used to "frame" or define porn can make the difference of your perspective. 
 
Consider the difference of looking at porn in "secret" or in "private". 
 
Masturbation with or w/out porn is a PRIVATE moment. If a guy uses porn it is still private. 
 
If a man masturbates w/out porn his imagination can still be as he wishes and it's not a hard drive accessible to anybody (SAME IS TRUE FOR A WOMAN). 
 
Porn can be accessed on a hard drive and b/c you can see it, the perception is more damaging b/c there is a woman on the screen you compare yourself to. 
 
Although I DON'T see porn as a positive influence for men or relationships, the response to it can be over exaggerated and cause deeper damage than what is really going on (I realize some cases are more extreme and don't fit my opinion). But the average guy viewing porn isn't much different than a guy using his imagination (like guys have done FOREVER). 
 
I think a married woman has a right to have her expectations met. If she doesn't want him viewing porn then he should not...but please don't go crazy on this issue, fantasy has been with your guy since he first started getting aroused by the female form. 
Posted @ Monday, May 07, 2012 10:56 AM by Robert
Robert, Thank you for writing. You're right that the response can be over exaggerated. Understandably, women can be confused, hurt and angry when they find porn. But as you recognized some of the comments on this post go much further. 
 
You do a good job of noting some of the similarities of porn and imagination/fantasy. However, I disagree that porn isn't much different than imagination. Porn can re-shape our view of sex, create desires we would't otherwise have, detach us from our partner and relationship (just read the comments from women above), and have many other damaging affects that imagination cannot. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, May 08, 2012 2:01 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Kurt, I understand your input and appreciate your deeper understanding of the issue. 
 
I'm trying to be a voice of a husband who has struggled with porn who very much loves his wife, I'm happy with her and our sexual relationship.  
 
One last point...men can pull up bikini contests and get off. A guy can use the victoria secret magazine and get off. Do you counsel people to decide on where to draw the line on visual stimulus to be used (if any)? Is it ok with women if a guy just uses his imagination? 
 
Anyway, I'll stop trying to do your job as you are the pro, I just want to encourage woman not to overreact unless they're given good reason to do so.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 09, 2012 2:51 PM by Robert
Hi Kurt, robert and all, 
 
Firstly kurt i would like to apologise if my previous comments were offensive. i have overreacted and my comments were offensive and an overreaction in accordance with how offended my senses were by my hurt and my inability to rationalise. 
 
the over exaggerated feelings that are hard for a man to contemplate are similar to that which drives a man to porn. I realise that men and women are creatures of feeling and emotion, a man is overcome for a moment by an uncontrollable urge to look in the same way a woman is overcome by distress and a need to be understood. 
 
perhaps men are the victims, sex has long been a selling trade and perhaps men are weak, uncontrollable and convincing themselves that as all men look it is ok. the women who make porn perhaps have their own issues and it is the people who make porn globally mass accessible who are the really to blame. as someone who loves another person it is still hard to accept. 
 
robert i take your point re privacy, i felt when was going over and over the list of where my partner had been that i was intruding on his privacy and it was a contradiction to me because on one hand i felt betrayed and as though i had a right to know and on the other hand i felt as though it was like stalking. but that emotion, oh how it drove my mind to all kinds of wild places. 
the difference is for me this, i have fantasies, they can involve all matter of things but i do not watch others act them out or seek them away from my partner, they belong in the security of my mind. outside my mind they may be dangerous and home wrecking. i have a level of self awareness and care for others that i cna stop myself from colluding with the dangerous. a fantasy in my mind can be as wild as i like but if i involve another human to bring that a little more to reality it becomes more tangible and to me i enter the realms of lack and betrayal. 
i had a very good chat with my ex and he told me he adores me, views me highly and finds me very good looking. he agrees porn is a form of disturabnce, breaking down hearts, communication and union with a soul mate. he also agreed with elco that young boys are exposed so young it becomes normality and the internet makes it so accessible men only need thing of it and it is there. i don't know where we go from here. i have no reason to have low self esteem as a loving human but at this moment i do.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 09, 2012 4:40 PM by m
M said: "Robert i take your point regarding privacy, i felt when was going over and over the list of where my partner had been..." 
____________ 
 
M, my point about privacy was that masturbation was a private moment whether using imagination or porn, we're not going to announce we're doing it b/c it is private to us.  
 
Some will say its being done in "secret" which characterizes the motive as more scheming. Imagination or computer, men don't want others to be aware. 
 
Now privacy on the computer is another matter between you and your spouse. The problem I see with a woman's discovery is that porn sites by themselves are disgusting (most anyway) with outlandish advertisements as well as odd fetish categories...your guy may have went there to see something relatively sexually "normal" but the rest of the site is gross. Kinda like a woman wanting to buy a vibrator at an adult store that services a lot of things outside her acceptance or interest...does your guy get judged "guilty by association" regardless of what he looked at on a particular site? 
 
Anyway M, I hope you find your positive self esteem...
Posted @ Friday, May 11, 2012 5:07 PM by Robert
i recently found out that my bf watches it.but he had hoped that someone finds out because he hated it too,so he says....but he says he is not addicted but i donot know what to believe.am finding it hard to get over it.i know i should be there for him because i love him but i cant seem to get over it.its three weeks since i found out.i was too shocked because he would always back me up when i made comments about porn people.i feel he is such a lier and it just sounds in my head.i can feel like i hate him so much for lying to me.
Posted @ Saturday, May 12, 2012 1:41 PM by lizzy
I've said this once, I'll say it again. The words straight from a man...porn let's me enjoy women without having to deal with their bull sh*t. I don't want to watch "mad about you." I don't want say recite poetry. I don't want to have your baby. Mitt Romney for President! YEAH!
Posted @ Saturday, May 12, 2012 6:27 PM by Jake
I am so glad I came across this site because it mirrors how I felt when I caught my fiancee looking at porn on the internet. Disgusted. Sad. Cheated on. Betrayed. Those are just a few of the words that come to mind. My first inclination was to turn the tables on him - gawk at men out in public, turn the porn on my computer and look at men that are much more eager, "ready" and better built than him - but what would that do besides make a bad situation worse? Ladies, respect yourself, even if your man doesn't. I have watched porn myself to see what the hype was all about and I don't get what is so great about it - the women are fake and it is all staged. They get paid to act like that and look like that. So, if he would rather look at something fake and throw away something real, then so be it. He can have his porn but he won't keep me in the bargain. The sad thing is, I am way more sexually adventurous than he is and would do most of any of that he sees on those sites, but if fake is his thing, then so be it. I wonder if he can get one of those women to do his laundry for him, cook his dinner, clean his house, be his best friend, laugh with him, cry with him, and have a real, meaningful and fulfilling life with him - somehow I doubt it.  
 
MEN IF YOU HAVE DAUGHTERS YOU NEED TO READ THIS: 
 
My fiancee just recently found out his daughter has an eating disorder. If he wants to know why, all he has to do is go look in the mirror. No, she does not know he looks at porn, but she has seen him gawk at other women right in front of me and her. He may not be literally responsible, but his behavior and the men like him are why many young girls and women have such distorted images of themselves and such terrible self esteem. Women are constantly told by these men that they are not good enough. No matter how young, thin, pretty, etc you are - you will never live up to what they see on the screen because it is FAKE.  
 
Men if porn is your thing, that's fine, you do your thing. But if you love your woman, SHE should be your thing - not some fake, plastic woman who gets paid to act like that. If you can't control your urge for porn - do us all a favor and stay single. Stop inflicting your misery on us. 
 
I for one, have had enough.
Posted @ Saturday, May 12, 2012 7:17 PM by Carol
I would like to address the comments "that men like variety." What makes you think women don't want or like variety as well? No one wants to have the same thing every single night for dinner. But when you get married you or you are in a committed relationship you make a commitment and a CHOICE to be with one person, to love one person, to have sex (physically and mentally) with one person. No one forced you to marry and no one is forcing you to stay if you aren't happy. Have some self respect for yourself and for your parter.
Posted @ Saturday, May 12, 2012 7:39 PM by Carol
One more comment - I tried to be "that woman" for my fiancee. The good fiancee/wife during the day and the naughty girl in bed. I even went so far as to have fantasy time in bed, where we'd talk about fantasies in bed and even act on some of them. He told me he didn't want that - that he didn't want fantasy, that he wanted REAL, he wanted just US.  
 
So can someone please explain to me why is he looking at porn behind my back and lying about it when he gets caught?
Posted @ Saturday, May 12, 2012 8:04 PM by Carol
Porn was bad enough when it was 20-30 years ago. But today? It’s insane how much it’s become a part of our culture and how many many men and more women then ever before have become slaves to it. It’s like men wouldn’t even know how to have sex if they didn’t have porn. Or at least that’s how it’s justified. And that’s kind of sad if you ask me. Sad mostly for men first and women second. Because what I hear here are a lot of women who want “more”. More passion, more love, more respect, more kindness and more connection, more deep and intimate relationships. Truly intimate relationships, not just this shell of a relationship. And what I see are a lot of men that are turning away from that, in favor of the shell, because it’s too difficult. So they go for the imitation of all that through a short 5 minute clip of two other people, not even him, banging. Oh and to the guy that blamed “Feminism” and women? Man up. Accept responsibility for the kind of man you let yourself become. The kind of man you are, the kind of things you do sexually with women, the way you treat women, the kind of porn you look at and support, that’s on you. That’s all you. Not Feminism. Not women. You. Take responsibility for yourself. 
 
Society never asks or makes men grow up in their sexuality. Today sexuality is about remaining the ever Peter Pan. Sadly, sexuality should be so much more then teenagers in school girl outfits, giant fake breasts and big dramatic “oh yes you big stud” while he in return slaps or chokes her and she pretends it’s all great and he’s a wonderful “lover” making her “o” a thousand times while the reality is that as soon as the tape is done, she’s rolling her eyes and happy to get that guy off of her. Because despite your fantasies guys, women are people. Not sex dolls. I know that’s hard for you to understand. I know that a good chunk of you don’t even want to understand because it would mean accepting responsibility for how you conduct yourself when you look at porn, but the reality is that men that learn to relate to, support, be there for women, will be infinitely more successful then a man that holds on with two fists to his porn.  
 
So what happens with men regarding porn who are stuck in Nevernever land? They start “sneaking” porn when they are in their young teens, or even earlier, and for the rest of their lives they stay locked in this very immature, very self gratifying sexual experience where if he’s hunting porn out for the rest of his days until old age. And if he isn’t looking at porn, he wants his woman to be more like the women in porn. Because heaven forbid a man be turned on by his woman unique to who she is instead of playing out a fake part that a million of porn actresses play out in all the porn he’s seen. That’s right ladies! You’re man can’t like just you! He doesn’t want you. Which is why men say “be more like porn, be more like a woman in porn and he will like you more!”.  
 
And if you as a woman are bothered by porn, you are told one of several things. You are told to be more like the women in porn. Because it’s no longer sexy for him to just be with you, as you are, as a human woman with your own needs or imperfections or regular bodies. Never mind that porn stars make their livelihood spending hours upon hours a day of getting treatments for their nails, hair, skin....on top of working out to look the way they do..on top of operations to change their body into unnatural states of cartoonish appeal. Nevermind that you got a full time job like him, never mind you got a house to take care of, probably kids and pets and there isn’t even that much time for you to spend on looking the way you probably really want to look anyway.  
 
Please wake up guys! Porn is fake! Learn to celebrate who your woman is as an individual. Learn to celebrate and enjoy and foster an environment that celebrates her sexuality! Not one that’s about pandering to the 12 year old boy’s fantasies that you’ve stayed locked into. Stop with the silly “All women are beautiful ladies!” Nonsense. Stop with all the “men just need variety”. Stop with all the “just don’t worry about it ladies we love you!” The women here are telling you that they don’t feel loved or appreciated or valued. The women here are telling you something important. And you can either listen to them or you can keep defending your porn. You can try to relate to your woman as a real person, or you can keep defending and using your porn and never out growing that 12 year old boy that spent a lot of time by himself self gratfying himself because he didn’t have a real woman at that time. Now you got a real woman. What are you going to do about it? Keep jacking off? Or are you going to learn that real life is about real people and that relationships are about you and your partner? Come on guys. Wake up. Look at how you’ve become slaves to porn. I bet your father’s never needed or spent this much time looking at porn like today’s men do. Wake up guys. See what’s going on with you and your friends and see what men are doing to themselves. You are numbing yourselves to real relationships and sex everytime you look at porn. Every time. Because everytime you look at porn, you make it that much more okay to look at . This doesn’t even touch on how freaking abusive today’s porn is toward women.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 15, 2012 12:19 PM by EM
Dear EM: THANK YOU for your posting. Porn and the like is ruining today's relationships and the sad thing is that many men do not care, because porn is easier. I told my fiancee I did not trust him anymore because he was lying and sneaking behind my back - he told me to "get over it." And get over it, AND HIM, I will do. If he does not care whether or not I trust him, WHY would I marry him? He is a 47-year-old man-child and I am way too intelligent, attractive and self sufficient to let a man treat me like my feelings do not matter. Get over it, INDEED.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 15, 2012 3:36 PM by Carol
At one time my husband and I would watch videos together until I realized that he would watch them when I wasn't around. Then I started finding magazines and videos that he never told me about. This is what completely turned me away from anything pornographic. We have had two major blow ups over this issue and it almost ended our marriage. I've only caught him mastering to it only once but I know he does it more than what he claims he does. The last time I realized he was looking at online porn we had yet another big discussion. His excuse this time was that he does it out of boredom. I told him if that is what he was into, whether I am or not, to let me and I'll watch it with him. He promised me that he would. Well, he's back to looking at it and never said anything to me about watching it with him. He knows what this does to me and his promises to me obviously don't mean anything. I don't know what else I can do get him more into me and not porn. He continues to hide it from me and probably always will. I can't deal with it. The emotional stress has really gotten to me this time. I now have a small bald spot on the top of my head from it. I think that because society has deemed it to be "normal" so think that it is. But when it starts to become a problem in a relationship then something needs to be done. Talking, trying to understand him and being more of what he wants doesn't seem to make a difference. I don't care what his excuse is, he obviously doesn't care what it does it me.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 15, 2012 4:42 PM by Leslie
EM, I agree so much with what you are saying about the uselessness of porn and how it masquerades as real but is fake. It is dangerous for men to absorb it and somehow expect to translate into real life. 
 
Where I disagree with you is this idea that women are over burdened during the day that they can't put effort into staying sexy (as should a man). Not all porn would be instructive, much of it destructive. However, the attraction of porn is simply a woman who is interested in sex. 
 
>>>Her desire to have sex is the sexiest thing about her.<<< 
 
I'm sorry to use a stereotype, but how many women buy one outfit or a pair of shoes and need another the next week. A woman's closet is filled with a lot more stuff than a guys closet (typically). Women need attention, acceptance...it's a woman's issue. Men need sexual interaction, not another pair of shoes. We want to fill our closet with sexual experiences. 
 
This is where we AGREE big time. A man needs to find fulfillment with his wife. I like many men allowed myself to walk down the path of porn and it is not all gross choking porn, there's a lot that is artfully done and I would argue not disgusting to women. Porn has not made me desire my wife any less and she is the type of woman that enjoys being sexual (when she's in the mood, not as often as I would like, nor does she do "everything" I would hope...but that's OK I accept her boundaries). 
 
Anyway EM, I see a lot of truth in what you say and men such as myself need to undo our connection to porn , it's not an easy habit to undo. The less crazy a spouse gets over this issue the greater success she'll have at winning in the long run. If you push for an immediate change in behavior you will have less luck...but again, this is more of Kurt's level of discussion than mine.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 16, 2012 10:13 AM by Robert
Hi Robert, Em, Carol, Leslie, 
 
Robert thank you for replying to me and I do understand that perhaps things can appear worse than they are. I think a lot of what is designed to catch a mans attention for a moment a woman will find vulgar because she will think into it and analyse in a way a man just wouldn't. Also Robert thank you, I am feeling much better and am starting to see this is nothing to do with me. 
 
Carol you are right it is fake and men probably don't have enough energy to have the same amount of sex as to watch it whilst taking very little effort on their part. I am starting to feel a little sorry for men because i think they are missing out on the real stuff but they cannot help it because they are conditioned to find it socially acceptable. I think it is just a mindless act and is so accessible it becomes easily addictive. You mention would they convince a porn star to do their washing, cook their tea etc and i think that they would not want her to, they are escaping, they are having something for nothing. If they had one of the ladies from the movies they would soon be treating her the same way. I feel that it seems as though one mans wife is another mans porn star, in that to your husband you may be the friend, the nanny, the errand runner and cleaner but if you were to behave as these women do another man who does not know the reality of you as a real human being would get off on how you are behaving as a mindless sex case waiting eagerly to be pleased. 
 
Yes robert i agree these women are behaving as though they cannot get enough and i think this is what men find sexy, it is on tap.  
 
Em i found many of your points useful and leslie i am very sad to hear that you are so upset by this that your own health is suffering. when the natural instinct is to compare yourself you must refrain and realise it is not about you. you sound like an attractive lady who is prepared to work at her relationship and try new things your partner is lucky to have you. perhaps if your hair continues to come out through stress you should you should explain to your partner what you feel part of the stress is and see if he can work through it with you and maybe see the doctor. Time is a great healer. 
 
I do not think the majority of these men want to hurt the people they love, or demoralise the value of women. i think they are behaving gratuitously and absent minded-ly (and clearly not using their hearts). 
 
is porn a problem, yes, there is something just not quite right with it. should we take it personally, no. would most men chose not to watch it if they had more self control, it wasn't so accessible and the majority of their desires were met by their loved, yes i believe so. 
 
clearly women are venus and men are from mars.
Posted @ Thursday, May 17, 2012 5:05 AM by m
Dear M: 
 
Thank you for the thought provoking response. You are 100% correct - it isn't about us (the wives, fiancee's, girlfriends), it is about the men who are looking at this garbage. It doesn't matter how young, how beautiful, how naughty, how nice - these men who refuse to give it up regardless of how it hurts their significant others, have deeper issues - insecurity, selfishness, and a general lack of respect for women. 
 
My fiancee and I went to couples counseling yesterday. He finally admitted the porn and said that it didn't mean he doesn't love me or want me, or that he wants those girls, that it is just a way to release stress and detach. I am sorry - but I have stress too. I just moved to live with him 3 months ago. I gave up a great job, I was about to build a home, and I have already spent about $5,000 on our wedding that was supposed to be this September. He was going to move to where I lived, but his father is terminally ill and didn't want to leave. So, I gave everything up and moved to be with him. He's retired, so him moving would have only meant leaving his family, and after 29 years in the service, he's never really lived near them anyway. The plan was for me to move here so he could stay close to his dad, him get a job even though he's retired and me go back to school to get my Doctorate in Higher Education.  
 
Anyway, back to my point, the counselor asked me if things didn't change would I stay, and I said no. I was crying by this point. She asked him how it made him feel to me so hurt and so upset. He said it made him sad and angry. She said so you don't think you should feel sorry/apologetic? She said and you don't think this is hurting your relationship - look at how detached you are from your fiancee. She is crying and you haven't even bothered to even so much as look at her or even try and comfort her. She explained to him how the porn was detaching him from any real emotional connection with me. He kept making excuses and I could tell that it just wasn't sinking in. Again, why should I marry a man who doesn't even feel apologetic when he has knowingly and wittingly hurt me? I was sitting their sobbing and he was as cold as a block of ice. 
 
The therapist asked him what he was willing to do in order to keep the relationship and help make it grow stronger. He said anything. She tried to get him to give an example of what that meant. He wouldn't. She said, what about giving up the porn. And you can guess it - he just sat there and made more excuses why it was ok to watch, and never once said he'd give it up. So, I got my answer. 
 
The drive home was totally silent and we slept in separate rooms, again, last night. 
 
Now I am jobless, basically homeless, and have spent a pot load of money on a wedding that is probably never going to happen. Oh - did I mention - we just found out my black lab has stage IV canine Lymphoma?  
 
And he thinks HE is the only one who has stress?
Posted @ Thursday, May 17, 2012 10:48 AM by Carol
ROBERT: 
 
I have to say I agreed with most of what you wrote in your last post, but I did want to comment on one particular paragraph. You wrote: 
 
"I'm sorry to use a stereotype, but how many women buy one outfit or a pair of shoes and need another the next week. A woman's closet is filled with a lot more stuff than a guys closet (typically). Women need attention, acceptance...it's a woman's issue. Men need sexual interaction, not another pair of shoes. We want to fill our closet with sexual experiences. " 
 
I agree to a certain point - only to a certain point. I would LOVE some new shoes or a new purse or a new ANYTHING. I cannot remember the last time I went and bought MYSELF something. WHY? Because we have a lot of expenses right now with me moving in with him, a sick doggie, etc (see my post above to M). So, even if I WANT something and I KNOW it is unhealthy to the relationship (i.e. it would put more financial strain on us) then I DON"T GO OUT AND BUY MORE SHOES. Just as if he knows that looking at porn and filling up his FANTASY closet with more FAKE sexual experiences is hurting the relationship - then you DON"T do it. 
 
STOP WITH THE BULL SH*T EXCUSES ALREADY. 
 
And for your other comment - that if we women wouldn't DEMAND immediate change then you selfish men might actually give our feelings a tiny bit of consideration? Holy crap. I could see it if the SHOE were on the other foot. For example - I Know that money is tight right now, but if I went and bought MY SELFISH SELF some shows ANYWAY and showed NO REGARD for his feelings, he would expect me to take those shoes back to the store and get the money back IMMEDIATELY. Oh - and he would forbid, FORBID, me to go buy anymore. 
 
When are we as a civilized and intelligent society going to stop letting men get away with these pathetic excuses and start holding them ACCOUNTABLE for their actions?
Posted @ Thursday, May 17, 2012 4:31 PM by Carol
Carol, Read some of the other posts of this blog about porn and you'll understand more why he's looking at it. Bottom line is that it's about him, and he's using it to deal with emotions, stress, sexual drives, etc. He lies about it because he doesn't want to take ownership of the behavior, it's consequences, and the shame that comes with it. All of which are common. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, May 18, 2012 8:23 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Thanks, Kurt, for the posting. I have come to realize, through reading these posts, that it is not about me - just as you said. 
 
I do, however, have a real problem with letting him continue to use this as an excuse to do it.  
 
There are many, many ways to deal with emotions, stress, sex drive, etc. If these men were doing drugs or using alcohol to cope, would we all be expected to be so "understanding?" No, we would not. We would call them what they are - drug/alcohol abusers and expect them to go get help. 
 
I am sorry, but knowingly hurting someone you are supposed to be in love with is ABUSE. It is emotional abuse. Just ask the woman who is losing her hair. 
 
Ok, so if a guy looks at porn, his significant other finds out, she tells him it hurts her and he promises not to do it anymore - but he keeps doing it anyway - not only is he an abuser, he is a LIAR. 
 
We ALL have stress, we ALL have emotions that we have to deal with EVERY SINGLE DAY, and we all have our own sexual issues to deal with - THERE ARE MORE CONSTRUCTIVE WAYS TO DEAL WITH THESE ISSUES THAN TO EMOTIONALLY ABUSE YOUR PARTNER. 
 
To be quite frank, I want sex every single day. Every day. And I want it hot, and I want it steamy, and I want him to make me beg him to stop. But do I get it every single day? Are you kidding. He is so used to masturbating that he cannot even last 5 minutes in the bed with a real woman touching him. He ejaculates sometimes without even getting an erection, and when he does get an erection - he is a one hit wonder.  
 
Does that make it ok for me to go look at porn because my man isn't taking care of business in the bedroom? 
 
OR, or should I try and talk to him, maybe see a therapist and try and figure out what the problem is in a constructive manner?  
 
Ya know, it isn't that we women expect our men to be perfect or not to make mistakes. When I first saw he was looking at porn and talked to him about it, he said he would stop because it was hurting me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I forgave him. And in return, I expected to him to KEEP HIS WORD. Has he? Of course not, that's why we ended up in a therapists office. And what good has that done? NONE!!! We are still sleeping in separate rooms, he is still looking at pornographic material, and he is still lying about it. 
 
The excuses have to stop. Man up. Take some responsibility for your behavior. Be accountable. 
Posted @ Friday, May 18, 2012 2:50 PM by Carol
Kurt: I want to take back what I said, that I understand that him looking at porn isn't about me. 
 
When he brought porn into our home, into our relationship, continues to do it even though he knows it hurts me and continues to lie to me about - HE MADE IT ABOUT ME. 
 
He made it about our relationship because porn should not be more important to a man than the woman he is "supposed" to be in love with. 
 
I have a hard time believing that a man could really and truly love a woman if he continually does something he KNOWS hurts her, whether it be looking at porn or anything else for that matter. 
 
It is not the porn itself that is the problem. It is the fact that these men continue to KNOWINGLY hurt their partner. 
 
Isn't that the opposite of love?
Posted @ Friday, May 18, 2012 3:10 PM by Carol
Im at a loss. I understand the points made here, but still can not understand why a man with a sexually adventurous wife would choose porn. My husband has moved from the "just hit play" porn to getting pics and videos from women he meets online. He's been caught twice, and I almost left him this last time. But I stayed because he seemed like he meant it when he said he would go to counciling- he's yet to go. I would be more than happy to do ANYTHING he wants sexually, and im being completely under utilized. Porn is selfish, its destructive, and it only leads to even more harmful behavior. I don't know what to do to save ny marriage, I feel unwanted and undesireable.he says he spent want to try something, or doesn't like it, but then I find videos of those very things being emailed to him. And he replays with his own videos! He's never once even sent me a photo of his downstairs, much less a video! Any advice? Im completely heart broken and at a loss.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 12:50 AM by Aubrey
Im at a loss. I understand the points made here, but still can not understand why a man with a sexually adventurous wife would choose porn. My husband has moved from the "just hit play" porn to getting pics and videos from women he meets online. He's been caught twice, and I almost left him this last time. But I stayed because he seemed like he meant it when he said he would go to counciling- he's yet to go. I would be more than happy to do ANYTHING he wants sexually, and im being completely under utilized. Porn is selfish, its destructive, and it only leads to even more harmful behavior. I don't know what to do to save ny marriage, I feel unwanted and undesireable.he says he spent want to try something, or doesn't like it, but then I find videos of those very things being emailed to him. And he replays with his own videos! He's never once even sent me a photo of his downstairs, much less a video! Any advice? Im completely heart broken and at a loss.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 12:51 AM by Aubrey
Robert, I am a bit personally conflicted on the “staying sexy” issue myself. Of course, I understand men wanting their partners to be sexy. But there is so much more pressure on women today then ever before. We aren’t just sitting at home raising kids anymore. Women have jobs and other responsibilities that they didn’t have 40 years ago.  
 
I find that while pressure for men to look a certain way has increased, the pressure for women is about 10 times more strong and requires more effort. Men do not have to jump through the hoops women are expected to, to look “sexy” in the eyes of what men find popular today. And often, when a man puts on weight, I hear a lot of women say that they still think he is the sexiest guy. Why? Because he is her guy. But when women put on weight? It’s about her failure. How she failed at being this sex goddess he’s come to expect. Her man doesn’t stand by her. He complains to his friend or to her about how she failed to be what he wanted physically. Then he turns to porn which is mostly compromised of 18-25 year olds. Do you really think that’s going to motivate his partner positively? 
 
I don’t have kids myself and I’m not married, and even then, with all the expectations of life, it’s hard to stay in shape. I, like a lot of women, gain weight pretty easily. And not because I eat tons of chunk food while I do eat some once-in-awhile and I work out a lot and it takes a lot of time before that weight comes off for me. It’s difficult! And I don’t even have the responsibilities some other women have. Women are naturally more fatty! Men have more muscle tone. It’s much easier for men to loose weight in general, then women. So I can’t imagine how hard it is for women that are working, raising kids, running households and a ton of other responsibility that comes with it. So I get that men want their partners to “stay sexy”. But I also get how difficult it is to have the body type you had in your late teens or early 20s. It’s not easy. And we see evidence everyday, especially if are guy is looking at porn, how we fail to be sexy enough women compared to the kind of women he is most likely looking at.  
 
Also, as a woman, I can get bored with sex if my partner and I don’t mix it up. I’d like a closet of sexual experiences as well! I want us to do things together. And not because he got hot over watching some 18 year old school girl with breast implants. I don’t really know if you are comparing sexual experiences to shoes and clothes or if you are comparing the “visual variety” factor found in porn to shoes and clothes. So that point I am unclear on. I think it’s wrong to compare the two things you did. A more responsible comparison would be men like different x-box games like women like different shoes and clothes. When you start comparing men’s sexuality to women’s inanimate things they enjoy, then we aren’t looking at women truthfully when it comes to their own sexuality.  
 
Finally, yes not all porn is “gross choking porn”. But that kind of porn is no big secret now-a-days either. What does that tell me? that it is popular with a lot of men, if not you. Nevermind all the name calling that gets applied to women through A LOT of porn. Whenever I have this talk with guys, it’s always about how he watches “good porn”. Whatever that may be. Or how “nice and kind” it is. Except, when I’ved asked men to show me an example of this, usually it’s more of the same: Young, pretty, busty babes getting pounded while they are called slut or some other word that is meant to put women down. 
 
It’s true, women are not always in the mood for sex! But my partner is not always in the mood to cuddle. Do I go out and find surrogate ways to get my needs met on my own that don’t include my male partner because he doesn’t want to cuddle? My male partner doesn’t buy me flowers as much as I would like, or do other romantic things as much as I would like. Do I self feed myself with other men to meet these needs emotionally like men do sexually when it comes to porn? The thing with porn is that it’s caused a lot of people to think they need all these bells and whistles to make for a good sexual experience. It’s made things appear so common that men will justify porn use to see these things because their partner won’t do them. Except for the fact that a lot of what goes on in porn isn’t common! It’s not about your partner or what she will or won’t do and how you need those needs fulfilled regardless. It’s about men having spent so much time with the porn fantasy that they began to buy into the porn fantasy and think they need these “extras” in some way. Society is in the crapper. Every regular joe thinks he should get to visually bang 19 year olds with implants getting all kinds of insane and realistically, probably not even that pleasurable things done to the girl in a movie to meet his “needs”. When did men’s needs become about the tricks porn producers use in porn films to spark lust? We all understand the psychology of why those tricks are used right?  
 
I also don’t get why people keep telling women not to compare themselves. If men are showing they like something, a woman is going to wonder she fits into that equation. It is not separate for a woman. Fine, it’s separate for men. But it isn’t for women. And you can’t any more tell her not to wonder how she fits into her man’s sexuality when he is showing her all the things he likes that she isn’t and never will be. And when I hear people tell women to “not compare” and that “it’s not about you”, I think what they really want is not have to deal with their partner as a human being and just push her into a closet to ignore her thoughts and feelings on the subject.  
 
Finally, Robert, I agree that a certain sensitivity needs to be had to get to the issue of why a man is looking at porn and how tight his connection is to it. But women need that same sensitivity from men as well. 
 
Frankly, I am just tired of this issue. It’s not getting better. It’s only getting worse. And I suspect it will only get worse. In my experience with the men I’ve been involved with dating back 10 years, I am now 31, I see how much men have changed due to their interaction with internet porn. 10 years ago I was dealing with less experienced lovers but they were more kind and sensitive to actually wanting to please me compared to what I’ve experienced in the last few years. Now it’s like all guys know how to do is imitate porn and they think they are great lovers for it. It’s just so sad. They don’t know how to have sex with a woman. They know how to have sex with a male dominated fantasy of a woman. They don’t want to have sex with a real human woman. They want women to be that fantasy. I have also seen how this porn conversation has changed in the last 10 years. Men use to say things like, “I only look at it once-in-awhile”. Now, I never hear men say that anymore. All I hear is about men wanting their porn, wanting their real relationships, but not understanding their own phycology enough to know who it’s affecting them. And since they don’t even understand their own phycology, they certainly understand very little of women’s. And time and time again, men become the white knights for porn. They stand up for porn. That’s what is important to them. And they make their own partner the enemy. So they lie and hide and keep looking at the porn. Women want their men to her white knight. Her defender. But that’s not what a lot of women are seeing happening. They are seeing their men turn against them in favor of porn . 
 
And I know I sound angry. It's because I am. I'm frustrated with what I see is men's current relationship with porn. ANd I think it's only getting worse because now we have generations of young boys that have grown up with nothing but porn at their finger tips.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 7:37 AM by EM
Leslie, I believe that it's a mistake for women to agree to watch porn with their men. I find that it just legitimizes it for men, and dismisses the degradation and other damaging aspects of it. Your comment that he "doesn't care what it does to me" demonstrates one of the key problems that underlies porn in relationships - disrespect. -Kurt 
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 9:35 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Carol, Yes, hurting your partner is the opposite of love. Everyone needs to be clear that the purpose of this blog is to add understanding as to the causes of porn, but understanding doesn't mean excusing.  
 
I know that his porn use and refusal to love and respect you affects you greatly, but when I say it's not about you, I mean that men look at porn selfishly, to serve themselves, not really because of their partner. Can women do things that contribute to men looking at porn - such as being overweight, too critical, or unwilling to have sex - yes, does this excuse men and make porn okay, no. Also, if you'll read some of the other posts on her under the Porn topic on this blog you'll learn that men looking at porn isn't really even really about sex. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 9:59 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Aubrey
 
When I read your post, my heart ached for you. You are not alone on how you feel, trust me. There are many women and even a few men who understand your anger, frustration, feelings of isolation, and resentment. Porn is making a debauchery of everything that two people are supposed to share when they are in love and are in a committed relationship.  
 
I am so sorry that your husband is sharing intimate videos with other women, you don't deserve that. 
 
These are a few things I have learned from this site: 
It doesn't matter what you are willing or not willing to do in the bedroom, he will look at porn anyway. 
It doesn't matter if you are a size 6 or a size 20, he will look at porn anyway. 
You can be the best wife you could possibly be, he will look at porn anyway. 
 
And please, don't listen to those on here saying it "isn't about you." Him looking may not have started out being about you - but once it is affecting you and your relationship with one another, it is about you.  
 
I have not caught my ex-fiancee sharing videos with any one, but I think porn is like drugs. You start out on small stuff like marijuana, and then soon that doesn't give you the high you need so you move on to something even more destructive. 
 
I figure it like this - I have two choices. (1) I can accept him as he is, porn and all, and stay with him even though he knows he is hurting me. Or (2) I can leave, which is exactly why I called him my ex-fiancee. I am leaving him. Please do not misunderstand, I do love him and I understand he must have some issues that need addressing otherwise he wouldn't be looking at porn and lying about it. But I have given him several opportunities to do the right thing. We have even been to counseling and nothing has changed. I never asked for a miracle from him, just the same respect he would expect from me if I were doing something that I knew was hurting him.  
 
We, as strong, capable and intelligent women, have to ask ourselves why we stay in relationships with men who have no regard for our feelings or needs in the relationship. I grew up with an alcoholic father who started physically and sexually abusing me after my mother passed away when I was 12 years old. Well, I am not that helpless child anymore. I am a grown woman and I REFUSE to be emotionally abused by another man. No, I don't think my (now ex) fiancee should pay for the things my father did, but by continuing to lie about the porn and disregarding my feelings, he has proven to me that he is (1) a liar, (2) an emotional abuser, and (3) incapable of having a meaningful and lasting relationship with me. 
 
Aubrey - stop being a victim. Take your power back. You are so much stronger than you think you are. And there are so many women on here, like myself, who are here if you need a shoulder.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 10:55 AM by Carol
Kurt: 
 
Thank you for the response. I have re-read many of my postings and I can hear and feel the anger in each of them. That is not who i am, nor is it the person I want to be in my relationship.  
 
I think the biggest thing that I wanted out of all this was for him to respect my feelings in the relationship. He obviously doesn't. I am leaving him and moving back to Oklahoma. I don't know how, but I have made up my mind and so I will find a way to make it happen. I am in the process of selling everything I own that is worth anything and all I am taking with me is what will fit in my car. My self-worth is far more valuable to me than any material objects. 
 
Thursday was the breaking point for me. I spent the majority of the week trying to be really nice to him, do extra special things for him, and just trying to make home life nice. Thursday night I was trying to talk to him about how I feel about all this, and his reply was "It's not my problem." Well, now his porn, his lies, and his emotional abuse are not my problem anymore either. I am done being treated like garbage by someone who is supposed to love me and want to marry me.  
 
Thank you, Kurt, for this blog and giving women like myself a voice.  
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 11:11 AM by Carol
Dear EM: 
 
Thank you for such an eloquent posting. You made some very excellent points, but one thing in particular I wanted to comment on. You wrote: 
 
"It’s true, women are not always in the mood for sex! But my partner is not always in the mood to cuddle. Do I go out and find surrogate ways to get my needs met on my own that don’t include my male partner because he doesn’t want to cuddle? My male partner doesn’t buy me flowers as much as I would like, or do other romantic things as much as I would like. Do I self feed myself with other men to meet these needs emotionally like men do sexually when it comes to porn?" 
 
Well, according to Kurt (Dr. Smith) men watching porn and masturbating isn't really even about sex. It may not have started out about sex, but let's get real and be quite frank here - it does affect sex. Just as you said, thanks to porn, men now have this unrealistic idea of how women should behave in the bedroom. Every woman is different and if she doesn't act like those on the porn videos, it doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy sex. I hate to break it to the guys, but if they watch close enough, they will see that these women in these porn movies are NOT enjoying themselves. I have watched a few, just trying to figure out what is so great about it that he cannot give it up. I see the women roll their eyes, and you can see the frustration on some of their faces that dude is not satisfying her. Plus, most I have watched, the women are all "dry." He has to spit on her or himself or use some kind of lubrication - that right there, especially given that most of the girls are around the age of 18, should be a dead give away that she is NOT enjoying it. A girl that age, moaning and carrying on like that, should not be bone dry.  
 
I feel sorry for these girls and I can imagine what these girls must be thinking: I wish he would hurry up already, I need to go grocery shopping, go get my hair done, oh and pick up my dry cleaning. Well, crap, I need a new pair of shoes so I better moan a little louder, lol.  
 
If you think about it, it is really pretty sad what these men are buying into as healthy sex. Because of porn and the like, men do not know how to "make love" anymore. There's no room for porn in love. There just isn't. 
 
And it is even sadder what these men are missing out on because of the porn. They are so desensitized to anything real that many of them now have performance issues in bed. They cannot get an erection with a "real woman" or if they do, and she isn't acting like the woman on the video, he is fantasizing about the porn star rather than really concentrating on pleasing his woman. 
 
My now "ex" fiancee asked me how he was supposed to stop looking at porn when it is everywhere. He said all you have to do is turn on the television and there it is, Victorias Secret commercials and the like. He said, or you can be on the internet, just innocently looking at a web site, and boom, a pop-up or an advertisement with half-naked women in them. He said how do women expect us to give it up when it is right there in our faces all the time? I have to admit, he made a very valid argument. But my reply, no, there is nothing you can do about the women on television, or in the advertisements, but there is something you can do about CHOOSING to go to a porn website and watch porn videos. I said, you don't have to add fuel to the fire by expecting me to accept this as oaky behavior because society has gone to hell. And most of all, these types of commercials, advertisements and the like would not exist if men did not buy into it. They certainly are not targeting women in these x-rated ads. 
 
Ya know, these men should be insulted that they are so easily duped out of their own self respect.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 11:52 AM by Carol
"Ya know, these men should be insulted that they are so easily duped out of their own self respect." - Carol 
 
That's how I feel too. I think men should be insulted about how easily they pander to something that plays off their emotional/sexual cords so easily and fakely. Have you ever seen that movie Wall-E, a movie about a little robot? All the people in that movie has slowly gotten use to letting the robots do all the work. All they do is sit around and get fat. I think porn is having that affect on a lot of men. Making them drones to fake sex. Men were not made to sit around infront of their computers jerking off. They were made for so much more then that. It should anger men that the industry tries to ply them with things that actually dull them down.
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 4:30 PM by EM
Men can't live without porn!
Posted @ Saturday, May 19, 2012 6:44 PM by hitman
Hitman - don't you mean, "Immature</> men can't live without porn?
Posted @ Sunday, May 20, 2012 9:29 AM by hitwoman
Hitman - don't you mean, "Immature men can't live without porn?
Posted @ Sunday, May 20, 2012 9:31 AM by hitwoman
Hi Carol, 
 
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself above. I can see that for you this has been a transitional process as it has for me. There's been anger, hurt, trying to be everything he might want and finally the acknowledgement of our own right to happiness with someone we can love and trust.  
 
I was not physically abused but when i was very young (3-4years) i found some hardcore magazines belonging to my aunts husband, intrigued i spent a long time looking at them and the images have never left me. I was traumatised for much of my childhood and exhibited behaviour that a child would not without having been exposed to such explicit content. 
 
It is very hard for people like us who have spent years of their lives overcoming the effects of sexual abuse in its different forms to be faced with people who love us taking us back to that place of confusion and uncertainty. Helpless and at the mercy of another persons. But now you are taking back your power and I am very proud of you. 
 
What happened at the councillors sounds very upsetting but at least you know where you stand and have the courage to do something about it. 
 
It seems to me that a lot of the men we are talking about are suffering from depression and looking for temporary highs and distractions. They feel they have lost their youth and not achieved as much as they hoped. They are reliving their youth by watching young women, the kind of young women we once were... the ones who have not realised their boundaries and are impressionable and mouldable. I think a lot has to do with them not feeling in control in life and this is something they can control and they can imagine that these silly women would let them take control of them. These men may sit around jacking off to these girls but in all seriousness they believe these girls are worthless. My ex is 31 and gorgeous if he doesn't want to be with me he can go and get himself another girl easily but he doesn't, he wouldn't and i doubt he will for a long while. This is because he is depressed, his self-esteem is low and he is emotionally detached. He has issues with his mother and as i have matured I have gone from girl to woman and he struggles with the changes in me. I think part of it is that he wants to recapture the person he was able to connect with not the person who has matured and left him in Neverland. Part of my problem with this is that we have lost all balance, I am only 30 and i have spent the last 7 years playing all the roles, mother, friend, girlfriend , housekeeper, decorator, gardener etc. i have become responsible for EVERYTHING, sometimes i'd like to be irresponsible and know he would pick up the slack for me. if he could give me the safe space sometimes i could be the girl he used to know and laugh with him and yeah sometimes be reckless with him and know that we could still function in as a family. Anyway despite all this I can tell you that despite getting stressed with me, taking out his feelings on me and finding me bloody annoying at times I am his queen. He adores me, he thinks highly of me, he thinks i am commendable and able to turn my attention to anything and make a go of it, he thinks i am beautiful and i think with all of his on issues and depression he swings from being irritable with me to not thinking he deserves me and this is where the need to take risks or have some control of something comes in. 
 
Yes it hurts us. Yes it does involve us and affect us and it does damage our self esteem. yes we are the victims but i think so are a lot of the men we are talking about.  
 
I threw my partner out when i first found stuff on the computer ( i looked back over the whole history and it appears to have been a one off), over the week he stayed at his mums getting wrecked and looking at more porn feeling sorry himself and thinking whats the point in not, she hates me anyway. i can't understand how when they feel upset they've hurt someone they love they turn to the thing that caused the damage for relief. I honestly think it is self harm. Anyway he was wrecked he ended up on the train tracks at a busy station and when staff were telling him off about it he didn't even know what they were talking about or really remember being on the tracks, he was perplexed. Anyway he has now taken himself to a councillor and really wants help before he ends up hurt or worse and his children deserve their dad in their life. Amongst all the damage he can do he is a wonderful human being and great dad.  
 
The thing is this is just the latest sign of my partners unhappiness and inability to cope with the past and its effects in the future, he has done things in recent years to leave me distressed but the things in recent weeks leave me feeling dead inside but although there is a part of me hurting going this is about me, this is about sex, this is about desire i can also see what Kurt is saying and i do believe there is a good chance this has nothing to do with sex. Your partner is retired from the military he could have all kinds of self worth and control issues going on. Not mention you get up and do while he sits on his bum feeling sorry. 
 
OK, so not every guy who occasionally looks at porn is depressed, an avoidant or has mother issues but the ones who have relationships with people who love them for being them and those relationships are being destroyed, they probably do.  
 
However Carol you are right we deserve to be put through no more emotional abuse and if these men will not seek or accept help we must leave them to work through their issues alone. 
 
sending you love. and sending out hope for the men and women whose lives this is affecting. Mx
Posted @ Monday, May 21, 2012 5:46 AM by m
We just had a baby 2 months ago. There has been issues thru my pregnancy with my husband looking and waking of to porn. I was trying to have sex with him, but kept getting turned down. I confronted him about the porn, and he was all embarassed about it and gave me all the bull that he didn't know it hurts my feelings that bad and bla bla bla. He promised no more porn, and things got a bit better. We went from once every two months to once a week. Then i had baby. Nothing since. Come to find out he's been watching that crap on his phone every night! We had the talk again he admited to watching and waking same old again. I even offered BJ's and other things while i'm out of commision but i guess that wasn't good enough. I'm just so hurt and depressed, i could cry all day but the bastard doesn't care. We tried to have sex last night and he couldn't even get it all the way up let alone keep it there. Yes i was upset what am i supposed to do? Be happy? And then sure thing a couple hours later he is on his phone waking it. I wanna leave but i don't have a job right now cuz of the baby. Every time i hear him it just kills something inside of me. I still love him, but i don't trust him at all.I would be more then willing to have sex with him whenever he wants but i guess porn is more powerful then the real thing. I'll get excuses like why do u think the pornindustry makes billions every year? Evry guy is watching there is just so much different stuff on there and i'm not a freak for watching and so on. It's sad but i can't live like that anymore. Don't tell me counseling cuz he won't go. But i guess i have to figure something out and then hopefully he's gonna be very happy with his 18 year old sluts. Sorry for the long ramble, but i have no one that i can talk to about it
Posted @ Monday, May 21, 2012 10:39 PM by Madysmom
Hi Madysmum, 
 
Try to take it to personally, although it is very personal try to not let it affect your ability to function or do what is best for daughter.  
 
I just had a baby and i think that is when things started to become less often with me and my partner. In fairness to him he tried very hard with me but i had terrible sickness and spent the first half off work and in bed unable to eat anything. Every time i moved i felt like i would be sick let alone having sex. I guess after the birth i was exhausted and although we regained activity not as much as before and i was focusing on being a mum and not making the effort with how i look and being a girlfriend. I think my partner felt a little left out. I don't know what to suggest because you sound like you are making all the effort. 
Although this has been an awful time it has actually bought me and my ex back to communicating, being more active, i'm making more effort with myself like i always did before and he is being very loving and trying hard. he's taken himself to counselling too. 
the last 3-4 weeks up to this point have been HELL. but there has been light at the end. Maybe in a little while your partner will open up to talk to you and you'll be able to make progress in pleasing each other again. 
 
You have just done an amazing job and that is more important than sex, or porn or male ego. Let your body adjust and your partners emotions adjust (because they can find birth traumatic and a a new baby can be a worry they are to scared to talk about because they don't want to look bad!) you might find in the next few weeks things will improve. if not there are always way out :)
Posted @ Tuesday, May 22, 2012 1:38 AM by m
Hi Madysmum, 
 
That should obviously read try NOT to take it to personal, lol, I would miss out the most important word!
Posted @ Tuesday, May 22, 2012 6:40 AM by m
sorry i am back again. PLEASE HELP i need advice. I have a fairly new computer but I have found that it was not the one time he used my laptop but that actually he had been using the old one. There is a whole barrage of things he's been considering, i can see he hasn't made contact with anyone but has been approached by over 200 "slags" and not replied to any, no profile info, no pic etc (it looks like he joined and never went back) but the betrayal has crossed his mind. He has also been using the phone to call sex lines. I keep finding more and more as we try to work out the last bit. He is trying incredibly hard and has sought counselling (not just for this). I know now that I am paying him more attention I can keep his interest and although i'm liking the new effort we are making all the things i'm finding from the past are killing me and i feel like if i continue to work things out with him i am having no self respect... he has clearly not been respecting me.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 22, 2012 8:20 AM by m
Perhaps you should talk to someone too about it? I TOTALLY get why you are feeling the way you feel and are feeling conflicted about the past betrayls. I don't have great advice here because I am just lost with men and their needs for porn over the real women in their lives. I just feel defeated about it all and like it's hopeless myself. Men like porn. They want young babes. They don't really seem to want their own partners.
Posted @ Thursday, May 24, 2012 5:01 PM by EM
I AM A 55 YEAR OLD MARRIED MAN. MY WIFE LEFT ME TO GO LIVE IN OUR TRAILER BECAUSE OF PORN. SOME OF THE WEB SITES I WENT TO CAUSED A VIRUS IN OUR COMPUTER AND I HAD TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY TO GET IT CLEARED UP. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THIS INCIDENT, SHE WOULD STILL BE HERE AND I WOULD STILL BE WATCHING PORN.SINCE SHE LEFT 7 DAYS AGO, I HAVE STOPPED LOOKING AT PORN AND HAVE STARTED BROUSING WEB SITES SUCH AS THIS ONE. WE DO LOVE EACH OTHER BUT SHE SAY'S SHE CAN NO LONGER TRUST ME BECAUSE OF MY ACTIONS. I DESPERATLY WAN'T HER TO MOVE BACK BUT SHE WON'T UNTILL I STOP USING PORN AND CAN EARN BACK HER TRUST.I HAVE LOOKED AT THE PAGES OF PLAYBOY SINCE I WAS 10 YEARS OLD AND FIND IT HARD TO STOP LOOKING AT THE IMAGES OF "PERFECT" WOMEN. WHAT DO I DO? MM  
 
Posted @ Saturday, May 26, 2012 12:35 AM by MM
Women, if a man masturbates using a Victoria Secret magazine or porn video does it make a difference to you which one he uses? 
 
Most of us men grew up masturbating and it didn't require a porn video, it could have been teenage boys shows like Bay Watch or a memory from the day at school of the hot girl sitting two seats away. 
 
A guy doesn't NEED porn to fantasize about other women, it can be stuff that's on your standard TV or a lingerie magazine that you ordered and sits on your table. 
 
I think there's a misunderstanding here of what's going on. You could get your guy to go porn free (as defined by soft or hard core porn of people having sex)...and if he wanted to masturbate (fantasize) he could use his imagination or a visual stimulus in a health magazine. So, what exactly is the battle you are trying to win here? If his hard drive is found acceptable to you did you win, are you happy? 
 
I don't think you understand the power that sexual desire has played in his life. Fantasizing and masturbation were in his habits long before you came into his life. 
 
Now the men that go beyond fantasizing and start personalizing (contacting) porn women and paying for web services is a true problem in a married relationship. And I stated before I believe a man should consent without question if his wife asks him to stop looking at porn...but again, if you think you toppled over some deeper desire for instant sexual gratification you're wrong. 
 
I don't have an answer here just deeper insight as a man/husband/father. The mind is a secret / private place (as private as anyone wants to make it) and that is where the true battle is for mental monogamy.  
 
Yes there are men with serious porn issues that need help by a professional but the average man has a built in history of fantasy that doesn't magically stop when he's a "man". Giving up lust/covetousness is the true enemy and until you know your enemy your strategy is like trying to shoot a target in the dark. 
 
One last soap box statement: Don't use your guy's porn addiction as an excuse for other problems in your relationship, your life or your self esteem. It's true, men are idiots for getting stuck in porn (counting myself) but for most relationships it is not (or should not) be a destroyer of relationships. Getting him off the damn computer is not getting to the root of the issue and if you want a man who doesn't have lust control issues over women good luck, I hope you get one.
Posted @ Saturday, May 26, 2012 12:32 PM by Robert
I think 99 % of men have watched porn sometimes in their lives. Most of them do it regulary. It takes huge mental strength not to watch it, now that is so widely available.  
 
Posted @ Saturday, May 26, 2012 7:12 PM by Icebreaker
I have struggled with confidence regarding men in my life watching porn since my relationships began. I remember as a kid and teenager I was very interested in sexy movies. Internet wasn't big time then but there was always the late night movies. I liked them. I also read many sex novels which were even more exciting for me actually. When I started dating and experiencing sex, it was a truely emotional experience for me. I fell in love with the act. Openning up and trusting my body like that was very special and I felt immediate excitment and desire to please my partner and myself. My first real boyfriend it turns out was already watching porn on a regular basis. It was his norm for masterbating. He watched hard core, hitting that stuff, in your face porn. I was shocked when finding a video once. Turned it on and screamed was the actual event. I really didn't know what to think. Shortly there after I was told my boyfriend had a crush on someone at his work. Since then I have associated porn with sexual frustration and unsatisfaction from my partner. I can't shake it.  
 
However porn may be for a man, it feels like one step closer to an ending, a change. If men really want all the variety and good times with great bods then what's stopping them really? Why do they commit at all? Porn is relieving that urge? I think sometimes porn addiction starts young as we suppress our sexual desire in youth and are provided alternate means to "experience" sex. Creating perversiosn that are hard to change in adulthood. I started to have sex when I was ready I let go of the unreal and took on the real. It seems like going backward in my sexual experience to desire to watch or read from afar again. But finding a man who has a similar sexual experience to difficult these days. But I know as a woman in an age where we aren't dependent on men to have a life, that accepting things we don't want to is not a requirement. I'm not saying porn is wrong or bad, it's a habit, a preference, a guilty pleasure for some. But not all. And if I do not desire it be be apart of my life that's my choice. If a man I love does desire it then that's another choice to be made. To accept or not to accept.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 29, 2012 10:04 AM by Susan
EM, Not ALL men "like porn" and "want young babes." Are most men attracted to sexual images of women -- yes. But many men learn how to manage that attraction, not look at porn, and love their partners. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, May 31, 2012 8:32 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
MM, What you do is learn how to re-train your brain to no longer crave the porn. This may seem impossible, but it's not. You'll need a professional counselor to teach you how to do this -- I'm available or find another with experience in porn addiction. -Kurt
Posted @ Thursday, May 31, 2012 8:40 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I really felt alone in the fact that it feels like a guy is cheating when he is thinking about another girl to "finish" or wants to sneak downstairs to download porn to carry around game systems. I felt very upset when most of the girls did not even resemble me. My boyfriend (whom I have a child with) resents this and says that it is just for when we can't have sex. I know he is lying because he has watched it after we have or even the very morning after. I have tried throwing myself at him but sometimes that just makes him awatch even crazier and random porn. I have struggled with this so much. Every time I play his gaming device he deletes stuff. He had even used my computer for school. I feel like he will leave me if I am not like them. We are 23 years old and still a little young for relationship crisis but I can't wrap my head around it. He doesn't spend money on it it is all free. I feel it has to do with how i look now that I have had a child. He makes me feel so unatractive when he watches these girls. I do't want to deal with this knowing that he can't be around internet without having to look at porn at least once.He doesn't spend hours but it feels like he would choose this over me.
Posted @ Monday, June 04, 2012 12:38 PM by dontwannasay
Hmmm. Men need visual stimulation and variety. Well, women need conversation, touch and variety. So, we women should go hang out and chat with all kinds of men and have cybersex and hang all over men and kiss on them. Then we can go in the bathroom and masturbate thinking of those guys. And fantasize about them during sex with our partners. That isn't cheating, right? The guys won't be offended, or upset, or worried, or anxious, or feel compared, right? It's all good, right? I mean, we didn't go all the way or anything. If they parade it in front of us, we'll parade it in front of them. If they hide it from us, we'll sneak around to hide it from them. Our porn whacking men won't mind, because it's what we women need, especially after the guys are too limp and dysfunctional after years of porn to bother to have real sex with us. Don't take it personally when we go elsewhere to get our jollies, too.
Posted @ Tuesday, June 05, 2012 11:34 AM by AM
As for men making excuses why they choose to consume porn or masturbae to any other sex stimulus- male horses can learn not to get erections, called 'dropping'; this is a common training for show horses. Stallions are regularly trained not to go crazy over a mare in full blown heat until they are allowed to. If a 'dumb' animal can learn this, are human males so weak and incapable that they cannot train themselves to behave honorably when it comes to their own sexual impulses? Really? Or is this just more rationalization for why men should get to cheat and women should just 'get over' it so men don't have to live up to the same standards they expect from women?
Posted @ Tuesday, June 05, 2012 12:27 PM by AM
AM while I agree with you that men should learn discipline over porn (and they can), I think you post w/out understanding. 
 
I had a natural progression from minor sexual visual stimuli to internet pictures to HD porn video streams.  
 
Long before a man gets in a committed relationship he (I) developed bad habits using media for visual stimulus.  
 
Sure, ideally we fall in love and some how all that habit forming falls from our minds. Men have had a lifetime as seeing the female form as a desirable OBJECT, hence the billion dollar porn industry (and as mentioned before Victoria's Secret and Sports Illustrated calendars as popular examples). 
 
You mentioned horses learning not to drop. Have you looked into how this is taught? Getting a whack on an erection can be effective. I imagine getting a whack on your hand every time someone pulls out a credit card while buying something they don't need works too. Or someone getting a whack while going to the fridge to get the quart of ice cream they know they don't need helps them shut the door. Any of us can be trained, same as a dumb animal...and we all do dumb things and get stuck in dumb habits. We all can be weak, and I think you don't grasp the magnetic power of porn on a man and I hope you never do.
Posted @ Tuesday, June 05, 2012 2:51 PM by Robert
My husband watches it and lies about watching it. I give him sex, I look after my figure, so I know how bad it hurts to find out your husband has been watching POV online.  
 
But guess what I did. I told him, if you can watch other women online, then I can let men look at me. Oh he didn't like that at all. He ignored my requests to stop the constant porn watching (every day). 
 
He kept watching porn, so I did it, I sent a sexy naked picture of myself to another man, who loved them.  
 
Later on I am confronted by my husband who snooped through my email and saw the pic I sent, I told him, how does it feel?  
he said he hated it.  
 
I let him know that was exactly how I felt and told him, now would you like me to match the amount of pictures I send out to the amount of porn you watch? or maybe I should be making home recorded videos for other men to look at.  
 
I got my point across, but you know what? we are still together, but now he knows, if he wants to hurt me, he will get hurt back.  
I'm not a pushover and you shouldn't be either!
Posted @ Saturday, June 09, 2012 9:49 AM by Anon
Thanks for this article. I have often wanted to look at porn but know that really I am kidding myself. It just does not deliver what we all want in sex - intimacy. It's a virtual fantasy of non contact which smacks you in the face almost as soon as you have used it. When you stop using porn you realise there is more intimacy in building friendships with real people than there will ever be by looking at moving pictures.
Posted @ Saturday, June 16, 2012 3:46 AM by Steve Hawkins
Robert, Good explanation of how men develop the habit of visual stimulation. Thanks for sharing. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, June 16, 2012 9:13 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Men dont understand the pain and hurt it can bring into a relationship, I for one just have enough of it.. He has swore and promised not to use or watch again when i find out and say it to him that ive caugh again he gets angry and throws fits starts crying begs for forgiveness we have had major problems in our 1 year relationship associated to this stuff.. i cant put it out there but he has hurt me in a bigger way regarding his own porn.. if you get me i dont no what do do anymore can someone please help me.. should i leave him and start a new...???
Posted @ Tuesday, June 19, 2012 12:42 AM by leah
I just want to say my husband looks at porn almost everyday. I do not confront him about it that is his privacy. As long as I get what I want from him why do I care if he looks at other women? He comes home to ME. And I will be the first to admit I enjoy in watching porn as well. It gives me ideas on different things to try. And let me tell ya it drives my husband wild! More women really need to stop feeling so threatened by porn ur man isn't cheating on you by watching porn and masterbaiting,puhlease! Get some self confidence and things should look up for you.
Posted @ Tuesday, June 19, 2012 2:53 PM by mel
I (regrettably) use porn occasionally. It was a bad habit that I got rid of in my early 20's. I got married to an attractive, physically fit young woman who gave me respect. After we said "I Do" she became mouthy, whiny, lazy, immature, crazy and 75 pounds over weight before we had reached our first anniversary. Though there has been counseling, anger, diets, cancelled appointments with lawyers, we have been married for 21 years. I have been a faithful husband, father to 2 children, employed steadily and been a good provider. She is still overweight, a bit childish, gives me respect through lip-service, but I have learned my place in her life. I am not a priority. I do, however, have women who do think I am a priority, who never complain, whine, or overeat. They never compare me to their father, boss, etc. They always give me their best. They're the old Playboy Playmates I grew up with. Is it my wife's fault that I use porn? Yes. If she had stayed physically fit, shown respect, and kept with her goals (the ones she had while we were dating) I would have never had a reason to look at pictures. I would have no reason to do so now. Women, learn from Laura Schlessinger. Read "The Care and Feeding of Husbands", then evaluate my last statement. If your husband is into porn, the reason could be in your mirror. By the way... lest you think I'm a couch potato with a beer in one hand, pointing at my fat wife with the other, I work out daily. My wife could follow my example, but like I said, I don't mean much to her so, working out is too difficult for her.
Posted @ Friday, June 22, 2012 5:01 PM by Charles Logan
i do watch porn, at times we watch together with my spouse. for me, porn does not appear as cheating or some sort of extra-liason affair but it helps the two of us to have mutually fulfilling sex. we watch porn as foreplay then imitate some good moves, if that is bad then gimme a good definition of BAD and i will be confused.
Posted @ Thursday, June 28, 2012 9:11 AM by maromach
it's instant gratification and to ease to find. it ruins your marrage and your life iv been tring to stop becouse i'm single now and would like to move on with my life i'm very shamed of my self and have asked GOD for forgivness
Posted @ Thursday, June 28, 2012 6:21 PM by fred
Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years. I've caught him looking at porn a couple years ago and he swore he wouldn't do it again. The reasons why i don't like him looking at it because he does not make me feel beautiful. I had a baby last year and he makes comments about my body (stretch marks) and calls me fat. After i had the baby everything went to hell. I found emails to the girls on Craigslist telling them to send him more pictures and how fulfilling they were. Since last July he had promised me that he would never do anything like that to hurt me again. I just recently found a whole bunch of porn on his phone and MY computer. He tells me im not good enough for him, im too fat (which im not fat) but im not a skinny model like them. BUT then turns around and says sorry and im everything he wants in a women and hes ashamed. Porn is a disgusting habit and i dont think men realize it makes a lot of women feel as is theyre not good enough for them. Its degrading to women. But if you men like girls that suck dick for a living, your probably not good enough for half the good women out there
Posted @ Friday, June 29, 2012 1:18 PM by Tee
why do men really look I mean what gives does anyone have a christian background on it do they not see its hurtful and demeaning towards their wives AAAAHHHHHHH---FH
Posted @ Friday, June 29, 2012 3:25 PM by feeling hurt
I love my boyfriend. His honesty towards many things about his life is partly what makes me love him more. He told me that he shared with me that he watches porn sometimes. I don't have a problem with him doing that at his own space. My challenge is that he asked me to watch it with him, I refused because I feel I wouldn't wanna watch explicit porn reason being of my the way I am in touch with my sensual senses and the high level of my sexual stamina. I don't want to build or have any unreal fantasy's in my head which I guess that's the point why males relate to porn so much. I asked him what is it that really makes him think it will be fun if we watch it together. I just don't want to do it and now what he asked me is replaying in my head.
Posted @ Sunday, July 01, 2012 4:32 PM by jane
My partner and i have been together for 6 years (but are however only 21yrs old). We have great sex but not as often as we should. Ive always hated porn and my boyfriend knows it. Last week i found photos on his phone. He said is was just once but it happened to be 5 times spanning the past year. Its not an addiction but its more than enough. We often make fun of girls who wear to much make-up or who have fake breasts.. the opposite to me. Why is what he wants in a girlfriend not then fulfilling enough sexually? Since i was so upfront in our relationship i feel the deceit is enough to end it. Men; women hate porn because it makes up feel guilty for not "putting out enough" and shit because we don't look fake. Is it really worth your relationship?
Posted @ Monday, July 02, 2012 4:25 AM by Julia
Leah, I can't say whether or not you should leave him. You do have to learn how to stop tolerating his childish behavior (there are tips on how to throughout this blog). And if you don't learn that you may very well pick another guy who acts the same way. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, July 02, 2012 7:35 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
I watch porn cuz I am single. But when I was with my ex I felt not right to watch porn, until when she started to play with my mind and playing hard to get. She started accusing me by being a perverted boy freined I all ways wanted to touch her to kiss her and have sex with her. So she changed after 4years of dating she gave me less sex and she made me beg for it. So I restarted watching porn and after a while a duped her cuz I realize that when she needed some thing I full fill her needs and she did not do the same I left her now I am single I feel free but I need a girl to love me and share my path of life. Men watch porn cuz of women now a days they are hypocrit they miss with our minds and they know we love sex we love women and they don't give it to us as they feel empowered when a men beg for sex. But most men dump their women and move on and they watch porn. I personally think that porn is bad for me it make me watch all kinda shit out there and it duscusting what I watch some times...thx I cam her to find a solution on how to stop porn and I belive the best answer is to find a girl that understand a man need and she never refuse sex for her man and she make her self pertty.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 03, 2012 1:51 AM by daveq
Jane, You're right to not to want to let porn into your head. It does change things, so don't waiver on this. He should respect your decision. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, July 03, 2012 9:02 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Dave, It's a mistake for guys to believe that if they have a girlfriend or wife, or if she's pretty enough, or if she meets all their sexual needs, that they will no longer want to look at porn. That's a lie. Porn is about us and it's up to us to change it -- it's not about our female partner. -Kurt
Posted @ Tuesday, July 03, 2012 9:05 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 6 years now. Just this year I learned of his porn habit and that he goes to strip clubs, I was pocket dialed during a lapdance..... He's always hid it from me and lied about it. Still to this day he hides it from me. Even tho he knows I watch more porn than him. Why is he hiding it? He's mentioned something's I want to try are too kinky for him, and I'm getting bored of the vanilla sex. He could do ANYTHING to/with me. But he won't. Even after I ask. It makes me feel like a slob or something. Unattractive. Even tho he says otherwise. I'm lost. My confidence and self esteem is broken.
Posted @ Saturday, July 07, 2012 9:05 PM by Mariah
I find this ridiculous personally, as a woman I have my own sexual desires, I may want it hot and fast however if my partner is not in the mood I am willing to compromise for him and may not be sexually satisfied. Women have the same passion and excitement for sex that men have. Most of us however do not turn to porn because we have a sense of loyalty, I would rather be content in my sexual relationships with a physical, real partner than develop an unhealthy attraction to virtual sex that is not reality. It is better to love something real and have someone physical there than to create a fantasy. Porn is an easy way out that is not moral and is a betrayal to the person you love.
Posted @ Saturday, July 14, 2012 4:48 PM by Abbie
to all: porn just sucks... it's not a need: when i was sexting other guys it hurt my husband so i stopped end of story, he hasn't stopped why are the rules different just because men think with their penis i mean really come on.......
Posted @ Saturday, July 14, 2012 5:34 PM by Hurt lots
Abbie, I agree with you -- "Porn is an easy way out that is not moral and is a betrayal to the person you love." Thanks for sharing your wisdom. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, July 18, 2012 7:47 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Ok so I'm going to try and make this a short as possible. My and my SO have been together for 8 years and have know each other sexually for 10 years. I never knew how much porn he was into until we moved in together. Back then i was always ready to have sex all the time to the point that he was like you need to slow down. Moderation was the word he used. So anyways sometimes when we would have sex the next day i would get up to go the the restroom or something to find him out in the livingroom watching porn jacking off. I would confront him and be like whats going on here. I was the kind of person that was like look you can wake me up for sex I'm ready whenever. So for him to be doing that when the invitation is always open or that we just did something 24 hours ago really pisses me off. So i always felt like whats the purpose of me even having sex with you bc at this point In feeling like what im doing isnt good enough. So then I got laidoff from my job and decided to work at this adult store next to his job. Come to find out that hi goes there on his break from work to the arcade rooms to watch porn and do his thing. When the ppl at my job told me that i was kind of embarrassed and in shock like really. I always knew he rented movies from there but never that. so on top of him renting movies that he doesnt do anymore heis always downloading porn. I can even tell you how much porn he has downloaded and how many dvd's he owns. So year later ( two children later) are relationship isnt the best but ok we love each other blah blah blah. Im not really feeling him that much. sex is almost nonexistence. we have sex like once a week or once every two weeks. SO recently we had sex and the next do he is watching porn . Not sure if he was doing anything besides just watching though. also after we lived together for a while i did a few porn movies in cali and stopped. bc this issue with him started before i did that and is still going on. Is this a problem or am i trippin.
Posted @ Thursday, July 19, 2012 12:26 AM by WLJ
Recently discovered after 15 years of marriage and 4 kids my husband has been lookin at porn pretty much everyday of our entire marriage. To say I am devestated would definitely be an understatement. 
My husband has commited to quit as he feels the porn and the lies have taken over his life. He is going to support groups and spending a lot of time and effort to stop. 
 
The problem is since he has stopped he has been prone to these fits of rage. The last one got out of hand and I feel crossed the line into physical abuse. This has never been an issue at all before in our marriage. Maybe the porn wasn't the worse thing :(
Posted @ Friday, July 20, 2012 11:50 PM by emma
OK I have a question I will do a lot of my husbands fantisties and like watching pornwith him but he's been hiding it and actually webcaming and videoing with women ain't that the same as cheating and he hides it and lies is this wrong
Posted @ Monday, July 23, 2012 11:48 PM by Santanna
Honest opinion: I don't think women will ever understand why men watch porn, EVER. As much as women like to think they will, they just won't.
Posted @ Friday, July 27, 2012 10:12 AM by Quich
I don't know if any other women feel as I do, but here goes. I hear so many intelligent helpful men who may be marriage counselors, therapists, psychiatrists, pastors, etc, say that most men who use porn still love their wives, don't find them any less attractive because of porn,& yada, yada, yada...but here's what I think. I think that men who are capable of compartmentalizing porn as seperate from their wives, are not really in love with their wives. Real true intimate love means thinking only of your wife in all sexual situations. That is what TRUE love means,and I'm sick of explanations that make guys look better than they really are. It is usually men who say that porn does not mean that they are less attracted to their wives. Well, yes, it does mean that you are less attracted to your wife. Men usually hide porn behind their wive's back, & why do they do this? Because they know that their wives would be upset if they knew about it. I think that all wives who discover their husbands using porn for gratification instead of them should fully understand that yes, your man is looking for something better than you, and the bottom line is that you don't have a real love, intimate relationship with a man like you want. Leave all the "jerkers" alone in their world of fake sex. They wanted to be alone without you & free to have pretend sex with as many women as they wanted, so leave them to it. Either your husband will wake up & come back to you porn-free, or you are free to find a man who will give you the intimate love life that you so desire, a man who won't threaten your self-esteem & destroy your world over blond bimbos that he can't get enough of.
Posted @ Friday, July 27, 2012 2:06 PM by Sandy
Why do men look at porn? Men look at porn for the same reason that women engage in superfluous shopping. They both feed the pleasure centers of the brain. Women always ask, "why do men need to look at porn?" My question is why do women need to window shop or buy a 100 pair of shoes?!Women will claim that it is not the same, which is BS, b/c it is. How many marriages have been ruined by shopaholic wives? At least when men are drooling over a porn, they are drooling over another human being and not a versace bag or some designer shoes.
Posted @ Friday, July 27, 2012 11:15 PM by Sam
If women never made it men wouldn't watch it, what about 50 shades of grey. Porn in written form, women have made that a best seller but men havnt complained men and women have different sexual needs and we all welcome a bit of sexual stimulation men are visual women are more imaginary and women use their visual attributes to entice sexual interest, men use their words to makea woman feel good about herself. That's why we have all kinds of porn it does act as a virtual substitute and like all things can be used correctly or abused.
Posted @ Sunday, July 29, 2012 5:45 AM by onyxyx
I was reading 50 shades of grey... disgusting... I got to chapter 6 and gave it back to the women whom loaned it to me....it is porn in word form. porn has been viewed in my home for years.. I have let hubby know how it makse me feel....He watches it when Im not home so he thinks I dont know about it..(I unblocked history this is how I know) I like others I have read on here feel that porn is degrading to me . I too feel like I'm not "good" enough (after having HIS 3 kids) I'm not a prude in the bedroom.. pretty much do it all.... so why the porn sites.. why not stop doing what makes your wife feels so worthless.. why not respect my (her) wishes and stop doing what hurts me (us). How would he feel if I looked at naked men all the time...would he not feel I"m comparing the size of his penis to others and the "fit" bodies they display... angry.. frustrated... and just down right lonely...
Posted @ Sunday, July 29, 2012 9:24 AM by Dina
Never thought I would find this blog when I typed in "my man watches a lot of porn wtf" 
 
Now I'm even sadder after having read the posts.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 31, 2012 6:27 PM by ce
I caught my husband watching porn this morning & I felt furious, hurt and more. It's like I'm not enough for him & when we make love; I then wonder if he's thinking about the female he just watched. To me, yes that's cheating because your connecting emotionally and personally to another person besides your spouse. Imagine if I did that to my husband in real life, he'd leave me. Well that's the same thing to me. You spending time with someone else when you could be with me. That takes away from us and our life. Watching porn is cheating & I wish men and women would understand that. It hurts to feel like your not desired. You must love your spouse enough to quit.It may not be easy, but it's always worth it. Porn is a way of feeding a lustful spirit & that makes it stronger. If you get into your marriage/spouse like you do porn there would be less divorces & a whole lot of happy marriages.
Posted @ Friday, August 03, 2012 4:14 PM by CouRage
Its just porn get over it! Means nothing to him(or me). I never understood why women care so much about this subject even as a parent i could care less if my kid even looked at porn as long as he was 13 or older.  
 
Some times women just don't want to have sex or expect to much and this is why porn online is so great and best of all its free.  
 
Now if your man spends every night online with porn and doesn't want you maybe you should have a nice little talk to him(nice). Also your husband is dumb if he pays or talks online with another women if he does that then yes make sure you say something!
Posted @ Saturday, August 04, 2012 6:23 PM by Come on
My husband and I were older when we got married and did our playing single. We both played in porn and recognized the harm that comes in a relationship. We like each other and respect each other. Neither of us has purposely hurt the other. We both recognize that bringing porn into our marriage would be a deal breaker. We just do not do it. It is that simple. Our marriage is more important and spending time with each other more important and our physical relationship is more important, than the instant gratification, which we get anyway, in our marriage. 
 
It is living in a grown up world with responsibilities to the person we committed to. 
 
A woman does not have to settle to live in a world of disrespect and hurtful behavior. Please, women, demand more in your life. I wish the best for each and every one of you. I could not imagine walking into a room finding and my husband lying to me, in any manner. This is not how we have to live. Enough men out there recognize the wrong in porn. We do not have to settle. 
 
Men. When the woman has enough confidence in self to not have to settle for someone who so selfishly hurts us, it is your loss. Because what this woman can give in loyalty, faithfulness (things you worry about) is beyond the woman that will allow herself to continually be hurt in a relationship. The human spirit will only allow that disrespect for so long before disrespect is manifested and thrown back in your face.  
 
Before porn was so accessible, the strong majority of men did not use porn. Just a mere couple decades ago. Men do not need it in their life anymore than women. Men are not biologically set up for it any more than women. Men have had forever of being conditioned women are the sex gender and that is their worth. Not because biology says it is so. We are creating a world where we pornify all women, and I feel it when I am in public and with a mans behavior. What he feels he can now say to me, as if I am his very own porn just waiting to happen. 
 
Women need to start speaking out and not allowing the pornification of not only our women, but our girls, also. 
 
Lets talk about the internet porn with no regulations or restrictions. Lets talk about the increase in sex slaves. We can look at history and be appalled that slavery was allowed in the past. But, every time a person is clicking on internet porn, not knowing if the participant is willing, or forced, they are creating a demand that the criminals supply. Women, girls, that are lured, held captive and forced so a man can jack off. If you are appalled by the slavery a couple centuries ago, then shame on your use that is creating the same thing for millions of women, children and boys. 
 
This reduces so much of this behavior to selfishness in both the macro and micro perspective. 
 
 
 
Posted @ Tuesday, August 07, 2012 12:22 PM by seabeyond
Robert. you say a woman NEEDS acceptance. a man NEEDS sexual interaction. you really are not reading the womens replies if you think a pair of shoes does it for a woman and she lacks sexual desire. if you will take note, the women are saying they are doing without the sex. they too NEED the sexual interaction. 
 
from the day a girl is born it is all about her looks, being nice, ad being a nurturer. and the little boy is what he does. we condition our babies from the beginning that the girl NEEDS acceptance and the boy NEEDS sexual interaction. we teach our boys that a girls role is to stimulate them. to hand over her sexuality. and he deems acceptance to her, if he takes that sexuality. 
 
this is not biological behavior. this is societal conditioning that has become even more pervasive in our culture. 
 
what we need to do is get beyond thinking that the male sexuality is the be all and end all of all of the universe. it is not the reality. it is not a truth. it only promotes disharmony and selfishness.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 07, 2012 1:43 PM by seabeyond
my question is...... If something you do is upsetting your wife you say you love her... need her "your the best thing that ever happened to me" where is the respect and why not STOP watching porn. The comment "its a man thing" is not accpetable..... and the comment "men are visual creatures" well visualize this.. a life without The one you say is the best t hing that ever happened to you....
Posted @ Friday, August 10, 2012 10:38 AM by Dina
You know what I find disappointing? There are all of these articles out there talking about why men like porn, why you should be cool with your guy watching porn (sometimes instead of having sex with you)... And there is NOT ONE ARTICLE out there that lists why having sex with your wife/girlfriend/partner is better than porn. Not one talking about the advantages of a real life woman. Where the heck does that leave us?
Posted @ Friday, August 10, 2012 9:59 PM by S.B.
O dont really know where I stand on this. But I do know a few things. One is I dont believe an ultimatum is at all good. Telling a man he must give up porn will do two things- demasculinize him, and make him lie more. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 8 years younger. I am a gorgeous, tan, blue eyed brunette who is also smart, funny, VERY sexual, caring, and sweet. He loves me. I know he does. BUT- I found out he was watching porn. ALOT. Yep. Even though I am above average in looks, and am in his eyes the best thing thats happened to him. I wanted to understand it, and this is really what I think. I watch porn. I love it, and I mean I watch it alone. I dont have an addiction, but I would say I spend an average 4-5 times a month watching it. But when I watch it, I am NOT thinking how ugly my man is, or how I dont love my man, or any of that, Im just thinking about cumming. And when I have sex with my man I am not thinking about any of the people I watched in those porns. I am thinking about him! And after I watch porn I dont look at my man in disgust and wonder why his private area (lol) isnt huge. (But just for the record he isnt small) My point is, I can only compare his porn viewing to mine. I was uneasy about it at first when I found out, but then I started thinking about my own habits. I truly believe these men when they say it has nothing to do with their partners. Because thats how I feel when I watch it. It has NOTHING to do with my man! God I freaking LOOOVE him! And he is SO goddarn HOT! He is my love! The porn is just something to get off to. Anyway, before I really started thinking about it, it caused a few arguments. I NEVER told him to stop though. I just dont agree with demasculinizing my man like that. BUT- I made the decision to QUIT freaking looking in his web history and MAKING myself upset. Before I accidedntally found it we never argued, then it was like I found out about the porn and we were arguing. I decided I wanted to go back to that place where we were good. And I let it die. And you know what?> HE said he would stop. I made NO BIGGIE out of it, and in some weird twist he respected me for that. Now (lol) bless his little heart that was about 4 months ago, and I accidentally looked in his browser and it showed in the last month he looked once. BIG DEAL. He made a huge improvement, and anyway, I know enough to know it doesnt mean im not pretty, or smart or anything. It has nothing to do with me. And I promise you ladies, take it from a girl who watches porn herself...it probably started out having nothing to do with any of you either. But once it turns into a huge deal, it becomes ALL THE MORE APPEALING. Its almost like cat and mouse. Thats just human nature, not a man thing. Ease up, laugh a little more, smile, let him see that girl in you. Let him see you arent trying to take away his "manhood". I promise it will not hurt any of you to try that at all.
Posted @ Thursday, August 16, 2012 3:04 AM by T
Christ people, lighten up. It's freaking porn. Never seen so much butthurt in my life.
Posted @ Monday, August 20, 2012 8:23 PM by Heika
My husband and I were together for almost 3 years. We have a long distance relationship but we chat everyday even if he's at work. We always get the chance to video chat at night. Long distance relationship is really hard for me. I've always been faithful to him since were together. He gets home every six months and we really have a good sexual relationship. We both know our needs in a sexual relationship. When he's back to work abroad, We always chat and do some sex video chat whenever we wanted. But sometimes while we were doing it, it seems like he's watching a porn video on his screen. And i can't confront him about it coz I know he'll deny it. I'm really hurt about what I'm seeing on him. What's the use of watching a porn movie while we were having a sex video chat? Im really mad at him whenever I caught him watching porn movies but I can't tell him what I feel about it. It's like I'm not enough after all what I'm doing in our long distance relationship. Or maybe is he thinking about the female on porn movie and not me while we were doing our online sex? 
For me, that's cheating. Imagine if I did that to my husband in real life, what would he feel about me? Well that's the same thing. You spend time watching another female on porn movie and thinking and getting yourself connected emotionally and personally? It hurts to feel like your not desired. Porn is a way of feeding a lustful spirit, thinking with another person and not your spouse.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 29, 2012 5:13 PM by Dina
Wow how many women share the same view and how many more would do if they weren't putting their mans feelings first, because theyre listening to how the men dress it down.  
Porn is an amazing thing for somebody who is single or who isn't really getting any off their partner. Or even to the extent of an act to explore each others sex lives with the permission of both partners. How ever if your relationship has an amazing sex life it really does beg the question as to why men have to watch other women. Even when their woman is most attractive men still need the variety of earths flora. Cave men effect? spreading their seed mentally? greed or are they just not satisfied in the bedroom? living fantasies virtually? or is it pervy?! While it really degrades woman and carries onto cause riffs in relationships is it all really worth the act? As any addiction for immediate pleasure would be answered with 'yes' it just leaves me to ask which one is better. Real life intimacy or virtual stimulation. Men need to pipe down with their needs and to put womens feeling into account of how it, without wanting to feel insecure or needing to feel insecure automatically makes the women insecure. No one likes to compare, but natures way is to do just that. Which angers me why men feel watching porn when in a healthy relationship is right?! I have to re-voice somebodies comment far above when they depicted of "how is it any different of detaching their emotions off and it just being imagery to a one night stand?" Porn is a safe mild form of cheating! Men know women don't like it what woman likes their man looking and ejaculating over other woman when they profess their love and commitment for them. It's confusing! Do us a favor and feed the shallow movie directors who havent a care for these women. Who feed their women on drugs who have a lavish lifestyle but never find real love and piss off out of our lives.
Posted @ Wednesday, September 05, 2012 7:17 PM by nicola
I would like to put my "two cents" in here. I'm only 23, I'm a student of psychology. I have three beautiful children and an awesome fiance.My fiance has a low sex drive and mine is quite high. At first he would never admit he watched porn, like he was embarrassed or thought I would get jealous. Which in fact was the case, but ONLY because he was hiding it from me and lying. But I'm a sensible person and I always take an open-minded, understanding approach to things. He says he wants to get ideas, figure out what he likes, hell increase his sex drive even. I say go ahead, I look at porn too and masturbate, but he is my WORLD I wouldn't cheat. Yes ladies it's true, lots of women in porn have amazing bodies. But you know what? That's because they TRY. Don't complain and say he should love you for you if you don't. My man's not in perfect shape, no abs or a huge dick. But I love him the way he is. Now me personally? Well I just had our daughter 7 weeks ago, but I'm only 138, got a little toning to do, lift my but tone my abs a bit. It makes ME feel good to work, to make my body feel better, heck I wanna do me if I could!! FEEL sexy, LOVE yourself. Open communication, no insults, no his fault/her fault. Understanding, an open mind. And my man says its for the viewing of the act, voyeurism, I'm sure he enjoys that many of the girls are cute. But much of the time even the most perfect girls have a little quirk, and we laugh about his comments on them together. And he tells me I'm beautiful, mostly at times I feel my worst. Porn to the extent of addiction can be very damaging indeed. But that's going to take ownership of the problem. The real problem here is anger, resentment, refusal to have an open mind or consider another's point of view. I think the very best way to handle it is ALWAYS love yourself. Good self-image leads to others viewing you more positively. I love myself, most of the time I radiate confidence, I turn myself on. And that rubs off!!!
Posted @ Friday, September 07, 2012 9:19 AM by Jesse
jesse. psychology? do you have daughters? i am 50 and in good shape so i do not need a lecture on keeping myself fit to be able to hold my mans attention. but, let me ask. you give this onus to women, with a jab assuming they have "let themselves go" as you tell us how your man is not muscled, in shape or with a large dick and you love him anyway. so, you are suggesting that women's worth is in the appearance and we accept the non perfection of a man cause we love him. interesting. then you go on to "console" women that even though hot, you and your man find "quirks" to jab insults at these women degrading themselves to turn you and your man on so your man can figure out how to have sex with you, lol, furthering the always present harsh evaluation of women's looks being their worth. and then proceed to lecture that women should not be jealous or take it personally. 
 
psychology? i hope you are not feeding this mentality to your daughters. or that your sons are not learning that a woman's worth is solely in her looks. 
 
sounds to me like a whole lot of justification for very unhealthy use of porn. but hey, yours to do.
Posted @ Friday, September 07, 2012 9:35 AM by seabeyond
Surely as i said above the act of watching porn is somewhat a similar idea to cheating in my eyes... to explain this theory it is in psychology books that "when a partner cheats the woman is distressed about how the other woman could be impregnated and therefore the attentions are forced to split with the bringing up of her own off spring to share with the other woman's off spring. When a woman cheats the man is worried of his woman being impregnated by an other man therefore his concerns to bring up an other mans baby who isn't his own seed is detrimental to the up bringing of the child. As with porn there is no worry of ejaculating into any woman as all is visual still the pretense is allowing the mind to react it all in his mind. Like i said for single men or women or for people who are being neglected in relationships but a healthy one...really does make me wonder why men if happy and in love would risk hurting their loved ones to look at the variety of woman. It creates problems far too much it really does. If both of you are happy to do so Jesse then it's your prerogative. But women have feelings and it should be heard and respected within their relationship.
Posted @ Friday, September 07, 2012 11:48 AM by nichola
I have been married for 10 years already. I have caught my husband watching porn everytime I leave the house. I told him how I felt and he said it's better than cheating. But still i told him to stop because it's hurting me. 2 months ago, I checked my computer's history and he was watching porn again sometimes twice a day. I told him again how i felt humiliated and betrayed and he said he'd change. 2 weeks ago, it was the same thing, porn everyday or twice a day. then i confronted him again. he stopped for a few days but just this morning, i saw the history again. i feel really bad. Is he still worth believing? Or should I leave him altogether because he has betrayed me so many times already? Please help as I am so confused.
Posted @ Tuesday, September 18, 2012 9:11 AM by Sharon
Well I told my husband if he was allowed to watch other women playing with themselves then other men should be allowed to watch me. It was a threat to stop his bad habit but it did not, he simply tried to hide it better. When an agent actually wanted me in porn he freaked out. He now has a few private pornos of him and I, the last time I caught him watching the same porno religiously over a month I realized that every time we had sex he was re-enacting the sex with this other woman. I quit having sex with him, I refused. I told him to go watch porn, thats what/who he wants, do not use me as a relief hole. But to not be upset when my needs have to be filled, I will let someone fill them who wants ME. I am tired of the act online with camsluts and porn. If he wants another woman, go get her. But I refuse to be used any more. Its all or nothing; I don't treat him like that.
Posted @ Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:16 PM by Noelle
Hi I have read all these comments,as i wanted to no why my husband wants to watch porn,we separated 2 years ago and got back together 3 months ago,i am slim attractive,don't lack male attention,and very adventures in bed,any thing goes,i borrowed my husbands ipad and found a porn site,he had visited,well i have kicked him out,because,i deserve better,yes i'm hurt,but if im not enough for my man,i'm sure i will find a man who will be happy to be with me,and what i can offer,and not get his kicks from porn,why the hell should men be looking at naked women watching sex acts,then want to bed us.if im not enough women for him,he's loss,there is no excuse for what they do,i don't need to look at porn to get my kicks,my man was enough,to turn me on,and if my man doesn't feel the same way,then it's good bye,don't put up with it,there are decent men out there.not sick shallow men
Posted @ Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:42 PM by p.j
I completely understand all the women's feelings on this site. I also understand the arguments of why men do this, but only to a point. I will explain: My now husband and I have been together for 13 years. Early on in the relationship I caught him looking at porn on my computer. Confronted him about it and got the typical macho guy attitude of "we got in a fight, so what do expect me to do". Type response. At that time, I was young, insecure and always jealous of everything he did or said to other women. (didn't matter what it was, even innocent talk). Over the years, our relationship has grown, I'm much more secure as a person and much more open to joking around about things that in the past would bother me. We have this bond and trust that every couple would want (or so I thought). 2 weeks ago he asked me to go on his computer when he was at work to look something up for him. As I was going through his history to try to find what he was looking for, low and behold, a couple porn websites. It really surprised me, I thought we were past that stage of things. Of course I didn't say anything, but like most women on here I'm thinking "what am I doing wrong? Why am I not sexy enough for him? Why does he have to look at this and not me?" Now of course I am curious and checked his full IE history and he's been doing this a hell of a lot longer than I thought!!! It really does kill me. 
Now I do understand that men have these things with sex, I do get it is a guy thing of self gratification, I do get some of the responses that it is a "guy thing" BUT!!!!!!!! 
I think there is a level to that where IT IS a problem, the frequency of how often it is done. ok, it's a typical male thing, but for all those who believe in that crap- all you "typical" males...... How would you feel and react if you found out that your wife or girlfriend new relationship or long-term was "secretly" behind your back pleasing herself watching pictures or videos of guys masturbating with really big penises?????? You know the "typical" male would flip the "f" out!!!! Your relationship after that would be a living hell. The woman would be the problem, trust would be out the window according to the guy. You all know that's true. So for a guy to say that it's just a guy thing really erks me. I know if it was reversed, they would be just as upset if not more. And that is where my problems lie and not knowing how to handle my situation. You can explain how you feel and even explain it in a way like I said to do the reverse psychology, but they all think it's ok for them to do it. It truly depresses me.
Posted @ Wednesday, September 19, 2012 1:18 PM by Jenny2
I repeatedly read that the woman who is confused and/or angry about the man's porn viewing should go and have counselling... of course, it's the woman who's got the problem and not the man.... get real!!!
Posted @ Saturday, September 22, 2012 3:10 AM by Bigitte Allen
I'm 58 years old and I've been in a commited relationship for 3 1/2 years with a man that is 69 years old. I accidently found in his history on his computer, that he watches porn. I was hurt but never said anything to him about it. I thought about saying something but thought he would think I was a prude! We really enjoy life together except for the porn. I try to be hip about men watching porn, but after reading all these posts, I'm thinking that this could be a problem. We have never had a "normal" sex life! We don't have intercouse and I use a vibrator to get myself off and I perform oral sex on him, ALWAYS. I've told him that I want him to kiss me on the neck, touch my breasts, etc and he may have done these things three times? It's like he forgot what I liked! We were at someones summer home on vacation and they had porn dvd's and I suggested we watch them. It did turn me on and we had sex the same way! I told him that it did turn me on and got me in the mood and he liked the ones that were just a man and woman together. When we got back from vacation, we never watched porn together again! He continues to watch it. Why, I don't know! We had a motorcycle accident and he had a very bad ankle break. We haven't had sex for almost 4 months. I've used the vibrator about 5 times in the last two months, alone. He's willing to "have sex" but he has no urge at all! He would do it for me. Before the accident, I was going to ask him if he ever had plans to marry me, but didn't get the chance and didn't think this was the right time, when he was incapacitated. It's going to be a few months of PT before he's "back to normal". Should I tell him how I feel about his watching porn or should I wait until later?
Posted @ Saturday, September 22, 2012 3:39 AM by Frustrated
Wow! I received an email update from this gentleman (not sure if it's posted on here, or was specifically to me or was taken off the website) - 
 
"Wow, fuck you all. Not one post about women who watch porn with their husbands. There are plenty of women who do it and piss there husbands off too." - Mariofan2012 
 
To whomever you are, obviously a lot more woman have problems with this situation than the men. Otherwise you would see more posts from men that are having the same problem! duh!! 
 
And yes, some women of course do it and some couples watch it together. But, the point of the ladies complaining is that the men do it because IT IS BEHIND THEIR BACKS! Women wonder what's wrong, or what they did wrong and of course they want to talk to figure out of how to fix their relationship so both partners can be happy.  
 
And to boot, it's attitudes like yours that obviously don't try to understand how or why a woman feels the way they feel. That's just one reason men and women are so different from one another. All men have to do is just open up a little and talk about things and try to understand the point of view of a woman instead of thinking they are always right on what they do. 
Posted @ Wednesday, September 26, 2012 1:13 PM by Jenny2
my problem isn't jealousy, and I don't feel unattractive.... 
 
My problem was A:lying  
B:doing it behind my back (again lying) 
C: promising over and over to not do it again even though that was not my point, my point was the LYING..... 
 
and my BIGGEST problem, was D: me thinking and being led to believe he was not like that from the FIRST day we met, and now finding out he was being a fake, I am completely NOT attracted to HIM anymore.... HE looks like such a depraved looser to me now....... my biggest fear is that I will now cheat, well, not cheat, but break up with him and find someone else right away.... I broke up with him a few times, and had the opportunity and came SOOOOO close to basically betraying MYSELF and my OWN morals, from feeling so neglected intimately, and so disgusted by him.....I feel he has already sold his OWN soul, but now has put me in a dangerous position.
Posted @ Thursday, September 27, 2012 9:24 AM by missmouse
"HE looks like such a depraved looser to me now" 
 
This is what so many men do not understand. For the women that are confident and feel good about who they are, it is not a matter of how it makes us feel, but, how it changes our feeling for this man. I was at a bday party for a 4 yr old girl. Kids of all ages, teens, adults, and seniors. A father looked at his mom and said, quit messing with my phone, you will find my porn. For him to say that for all in the room to hear, among the kids and teen girls there, I instantly changed my view of this man. When he is looking at his phone, I flash on the possible of what he is looking at. I do not need that in my head. Now a year later, and I looked at him like he is a loser. I cannot help it. It is how i see him.
Posted @ Thursday, September 27, 2012 9:33 AM by seabeyond
Frustrated, You should tell him now how you feel about the porn and your sex life. There's always going to be a reason to put it off longer. Additionally, we his injury and recovery it's more likely that he's going to be viewing porn even more - to occupy his time and self-medicate. You can suggest this website to him as a place he can begin to get some help. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, October 03, 2012 7:06 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Another way of looking at this, and one reason women hate it, is that porn diminishes a woman's sexual power over a man. The way it is now with porn being so easily and cheaply available to anyone with an internet, connection, men now have a choice of sexual experience. The variety and intensity of masturbating to porn for many guys is just as good as, if not better than partner sex. This is especially true of married men. Porn is a way for them to get the sexual variety and intense experience they crave without even leaving the house. 
 
And many men resent having to jump through the hoops women put before them as the sexual gatekeepers of the world. With porn men can ignore those gates and enjoy sex that is more in tune with male sexual preferences. 
 
Fear of rejection, performance anxieties, the need to please (often over their own need for pleasure)the needs and responsibilities of engaging in a relationship when all he wants is regular sex and the sexual trap that is often the result of marriage, all can be bypassed with porn which is always available when he needs it. It is exciting and convenient and stress free. 
 
Of course most men in relationships don't turn to porn exclusively but they do enjoy the feeling freedom they experience feel when they are able to have a sexual experience in tune with their needs and have to "pay" for it with the emotional investment of a relationship.  
 
Porn is here to stay and it is part of the changing culture. 20 years from now anyone reading the posts on this website will be shaking their head and wondering what all the fuss was about. Sexual relationships change with the times and porn is just simply a part of that. Men now have more choices and young women especially are starting to relinquish their sexual gatekeeper roles and beginning to go with the flow. You see this in the ways that peoples sexual relationships are changing. What we see is a there is a more fun and recreational attitude toward sex seen in "hookup" culture on college campuses and the sex/dating relationships of young people who never knew a time when porn wasn't available with the click of a mouse and their husbands and boyfriends had no other choice besides partner sex to get their sexual release. 
 
Posted @ Saturday, October 06, 2012 2:53 PM by
sorry a paragraph in the post above is missing a word. the following sentence should read: 
 
"they are able to have a sexual experience in tune with their needs and NOT have to "pay" for it with the emotional investment of a relationship."
Posted @ Saturday, October 06, 2012 3:03 PM by
After all these comments, I highly doubt someone will scroll all the way down to see mine. However, I do hope that my comment finds it's way to someone and helps them out. There are several points I'd like to make. To start out, I'd like to say that my boyfriend and I recently went through an issue involving pornography. It was not a big argument or a big fight. It was a long discussion. We recently moved in together and, having had previous experience with "catching" my boyfriends watching porn, I wanted to bring up the subject before it became dangerous. Porn is a grey area and should have an "Approach with Caution" sign for couples. One night, my boyfriend was really horny and I was too tired. At first, I told him to go masturbate. Then, I told him to go turn on some porn and masturbate if it helped. This was my way of broaching the topic. His answer was, "I don't want to. I want you." so I told him to go masturbate, then, and he said "Would that be rude? It would appear I don't place importance in the act with you, which I do. It's not just about getting off." and then the subject was dropped and he didn't do either and, I have to say, I was very happy with his answer. This turned into a discussion about porn and I was hurt to find out that he had watched it since we had been together although he said we had a conversation at the beginning when I said porn wasn't bad and I did say that but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. We continued to talk about it where I asked him his preferences, how much he watched it, and etc. He was very open with me. I told him that, although I knew it wasn't, it felt like cheating and you know what he said? He felt the same way. At this, I was appalled to know he thought it was wrong for our relationship and still did it. That's the worst part of it all. Then, he said, although he thought it was wrong, "it's easy to do something you think is wrong if you're the only one who thinks it's wrong, including you." So, this is my first point. Porn is OK with some women so be it. That's fine. But, I'd like to say perception is reality. If it feels like cheating, it is going to be cheating. All this, "it's because they're men and they have to" is simply enabling because many men aren't willing to change and will lie about it. If society took a more strict view, perhaps so many men would not do it. Societal influences in behavior are HIGH and I say this as a college student studying psychology. Saying "he'll either watch porn or cheat". Bullshit. Girls, if this is the excuse, dump his ass. There's such a thing called FREE WILL although many actions are biologically influenced. Which brings me to another point. Another excuse is, "it's biologically influenced for men to need variety and many women." Yes, but biological factors are not the end all. Evolutionary psychologists why study this kinda thing professionally even agree that the study of how we came to be need not dictate who we ought to be. What does this mean? Yup, poor excuse, man! Please, stress free will. On to my other point. It's IMPOSSIBLE not to notice other attractive people. Women do it, too. So, what's the difference between a man seeing a woman on the street and thinking, "wow, pretty hair, smile, etc, etc", or "wow, nice tits and ass." Hm, not much. It HURTS but we women do it, too. And on to my next point...There are 2 different kinds of people who watch porn. Those who watch it for the PEOPLE (ex. masturbating to pictures, having a "favorite" porn star, etc.) or those who watch it for the ACT (ex. those who watch strange or taboo porn, those who cycle quickly through different kinds of women, etc.) My boyfriend is of the latter. This is why I feel less disrespected. He said the women were only 10% of the experience and let's go farther and say he was sparing my feelings and they were 25%. He also said the other part of it was habit. Habit when he got bored to go do it. Now quoting more psychological research, porn CAN be habitual. Much like smoking or drinking. Men can find, after a time, they can't masturbate without it and this is what my boyfriend felt he experienced sometimes after watching it for so many years. Habits are hard to break. FIND OUT WHY YOUR MAN IS DOING IT. If you don't want him to, help him break the habit. Now, again, it hurt me deeply to know he did it...it did make me cry..but I try to look at this at an objective view. I don't have confidence issues and I KNOW my boyfriend is attracted to me. And you know what else I know? He would never be with those women. Know why? Because a woman who's paid to have sex is degrading herself and is disgusting to most men. Men want a woman who is only theirs, am I right? And, honestly, these women in porn are very pretty but so are many women in real life. I feel I am pretty. My body may not be perfect like theirs is depicted to be but I bet, at the right angles and with enough makeup, I would look pretty nice, too. My man is lucky to have me just like I am lucky to have him. Why can't more women think this way? Look in the mirror. Turn around. Go for different angles, focus on your good parts. Now go look at some porn. See what I mean? Now, addressing the other issue...Fantasies. Everybody has theirs. I have some pretty weird ones...and so does my boyfriend. I don't doubt sometimes he thinks of other women..so, what's the difference between imagination and seeing it? Well, not much..it's not my right to sensor his thoughts even if I could...this is his journey. And, heh, I can't even sensor my own thoughts. So, in conclusion, my boyfriend's and I long discussion..ended with me telling me if he wants to, do it but DO NOT be decietful about it because that adds a whole other "can of worms", so to speak. I hate liars. I did not let him see me cry about this...I didn't let him see how much it bothered me, but he knows me, so I imagine he had an idea. But I won't end the open lines of communication with this by acting neurotic about something trivial. In response, he said he wouldn't watch it. I said Never? and he said no, never. I kind of don't believe him but I said, you know, just be open. I won't freak out but I WILL if you hide it. His response was he didn't want to because, to him, it felt wrong and he felt he did have something of an addiction to it. He said it was a bad habit he meant to kick forever. Ok, fine..I admit it's pretty cool that he doesn't want to watch it. but the important thing is an objective view, which is hard to do through the hurt feelings...and if it bothers you that much, there is no excuse for your man and don't let him think there is. Anyway..I don't know. If someone got all the way through this, thanks for reading and I hope you found my experience and insights helpful. If you're okay with porn, then fine. If you want to watch it with your man, cool. Studies show women are just as aroused at explicit content as men, actually. Go for it! If you don't, then don't stand for it.
Posted @ Monday, October 08, 2012 2:15 AM by Echidna
Ok heres my deal with the whole porn issue. It's degrading, hurtful and right down just disturbing. I have been married for 13 years to my husband and a year ago I discovered porn on his computer and trust me, I was pissed and extremely hurt and wanted a divorce. He swore up and down he wouldn't look anymore but now I found more on his phone. Why does everyone especially men think this is normal, well it's not and women shouldn't have to just get over it. Normal!!! It's not normal when it makes me feel so lowsy and unattractive to him. It should never be considered normal. You might as well be in that video as far as I am concerned. I don't watch that crap and I can find ways to get in the mood other than watching others. Get clue you stupid men!
Posted @ Tuesday, October 09, 2012 6:03 PM by Mommamia33
To add to the fire, my husband say's I should't medel. I am assuming he means that his phone and computer is off limits to me. That right there say's it all. He makes it a point to delete his web history in his computer but his I- phone has Icloud and that saves his search history. He takes his phone into the bathroom to pee, poop and when he showers. Now, tell me he's not up to no good. He wonders why I dig. Really!!! Even if it just porn, he knows how I feel about it and continues to look at it anyway, obviously. He is a liar and I feel I can't trust him anymore. Don't get me wrong we have sex but I feel that he really isn't having it with me but within his mind of fantasy. i am FURIOUS!!!
Posted @ Tuesday, October 09, 2012 6:46 PM by Mommamia33
Seeing all the post of others gives me an inside to my frustrations with this that I am not the only one. My husband of 10 yrs father of 2 almost 3 in couple of months has disappointed me. We grow up together always telling me porn is not worth it that it's not his thing. After 7 years together found horrible websites including live webcams including searching for girls with profiles locally said it was his friend who had his computer crash that was using it. Did not want to believe it was him but always in the back of my mind. Year later found an other website with lots of options.. Then after that searching words tities and ass on YouTube. I was in shock like really Ive always been really thin with a good figure always felt good about myself but this started happening when I got sick and gained weight because of medication I think to myself is he that shallow? When I was thin he was thicker yet I never found him unattractive now his thin and im thicker which I still feel I look good just added curves to my shape. He says his been 100% faithful which doesn't feel like it when his not as sexually driving as before and clearing his history everyday. I have to always In gage to have any type of intamacy. His excuse is my bad attitude but I only have bad attitude because he makes me feel like crap with all these sites plus always checking out girls in front of me and the kids. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is ok or my son also thinking its ok both under 10 yrs lld. I always contiplait in leaving him even if i am pregnant I just don't want to feel like a room mate/chef/babysitter/cleaner I'm still in my twenties don't want to waste precious time with someone who does want me. I truly love him but don't want him if he doesn't love me. Even though he says he loves me and is very attractived to me . How can I believe him when all his actions are the opposite???
Posted @ Friday, October 19, 2012 12:04 AM by Pg
Seeing all the post of others gives me an inside to my frustrations with this that I am not the only one. My husband of 10 yrs father of 2 almost 3 in couple of months has disappointed me. We grow up together always telling me porn is not worth it that it's not his thing. After 7 years together found horrible websites including live webcams including searching for girls with profiles locally said it was his friend who had his computer crash that was using it. Did not want to believe it was him but always in the back of my mind. Year later found an other website with lots of options.. Then after that searching words tities and ass on YouTube. I was in shock like really Ive always been really thin with a good figure always felt good about myself but this started happening when I got sick and gained weight because of medication I think to myself is he that shallow? When I was thin he was thicker yet I never found him unattractive now his thin and im thicker which I still feel I look good just added curves to my shape. He says his been 100% faithful which doesn't feel like it when his not as sexually driving as before and clearing his history everyday. I have to always In gage to have any type of intamacy. His excuse is my bad attitude but I only have bad attitude because he makes me feel like crap with all these sites plus always checking out girls in front of me and the kids. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is ok or my son also thinking its ok both under 10 yrs lld. I always contiplait in leaving him even if i am pregnant I just don't want to feel like a room mate/chef/babysitter/cleaner I'm still in my twenties don't want to waste precious time with someone who does want me. I truly love him but don't want him if he doesn't love me. Even though he says he loves me and is very attractived to me . How can I believe him when all his actions are the opposite???
Posted @ Friday, October 19, 2012 12:05 AM by Pg
Seeing all the post of others gives me an inside to my frustrations with this that I am not the only one. My husband of 10 yrs father of 2 almost 3 in couple of months has disappointed me. We grow up together always telling me porn is not worth it that it's not his thing. After 7 years together found horrible websites including live webcams including searching for girls with profiles locally said it was his friend who had his computer crash that was using it. Did not want to believe it was him but always in the back of my mind. Year later found an other website with lots of options.. Then after that searching words tities and ass on YouTube. I was in shock like really Ive always been really thin with a good figure always felt good about myself but this started happening when I got sick and gained weight because of medication I think to myself is he that shallow? When I was thin he was thicker yet I never found him unattractive now his thin and im thicker which I still feel I look good just added curves to my shape. He says his been 100% faithful which doesn't feel like it when his not as sexually driving as before and clearing his history everyday. I have to always In gage to have any type of intamacy. His excuse is my bad attitude but I only have bad attitude because he makes me feel like crap with all these sites plus always checking out girls in front of me and the kids. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is ok or my son also thinking its ok both under 10 yrs lld. I always contiplait in leaving him even if i am pregnant I just don't want to feel like a room mate/chef/babysitter/cleaner I'm still in my twenties don't want to waste precious time with someone who does want me. I truly love him but don't want him if he doesn't love me. Even though he says he loves me and is very attractived to me . How can I believe him when all his actions are the opposite???
Posted @ Friday, October 19, 2012 12:06 AM by Pg
Seeing all the post of others gives me an inside to my frustrations with this that I am not the only one. My husband of 10 yrs father of 2 almost 3 in couple of months has disappointed me. We grow up together always telling me porn is not worth it that it's not his thing. After 7 years together found horrible websites including live webcams including searching for girls with profiles locally said it was his friend who had his computer crash that was using it. Did not want to believe it was him but always in the back of my mind. Year later found an other website with lots of options.. Then after that searching words tities and ass on YouTube. I was in shock like really Ive always been really thin with a good figure always felt good about myself but this started happening when I got sick and gained weight because of medication I think to myself is he that shallow? When I was thin he was thicker yet I never found him unattractive now his thin and im thicker which I still feel I look good just added curves to my shape. He says his been 100% faithful which doesn't feel like it when his not as sexually driving as before and clearing his history everyday. I have to always In gage to have any type of intamacy. His excuse is my bad attitude but I only have bad attitude because he makes me feel like crap with all these sites plus always checking out girls in front of me and the kids. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is ok or my son also thinking its ok both under 10 yrs lld. I always contiplait in leaving him even if i am pregnant I just don't want to feel like a room mate/chef/babysitter/cleaner I'm still in my twenties don't want to waste precious time with someone who does want me. I truly love him but don't want him if he doesn't love me. Even though he says he loves me and is very attractived to me . How can I believe him when all his actions are the opposite???
Posted @ Friday, October 19, 2012 12:09 AM by Pg
Seeing all the post of others gives me an inside to my frustrations with this that I am not the only one. My husband of 10 yrs father of 2 almost 3 in couple of months has disappointed me. We grow up together always telling me porn is not worth it that it's not his thing. After 7 years together found horrible websites including live webcams including searching for girls with profiles locally said it was his friend who had his computer crash that was using it. Did not want to believe it was him but always in the back of my mind. Year later found an other website with lots of options.. Then after that searching words tities and ass on YouTube. I was in shock like really Ive always been really thin with a good figure always felt good about myself but this started happening when I got sick and gained weight because of medication I think to myself is he that shallow? When I was thin he was thicker yet I never found him unattractive now his thin and im thicker which I still feel I look good just added curves to my shape. He says his been 100% faithful which doesn't feel like it when his not as sexually driving as before and clearing his history everyday. I have to always In gage to have any type of intamacy. His excuse is my bad attitude but I only have bad attitude because he makes me feel like crap with all these sites plus always checking out girls in front of me and the kids. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is ok or my son also thinking its ok both under 10 yrs lld. I always contiplait in leaving him even if i am pregnant I just don't want to feel like a room mate/chef/babysitter/cleaner I'm still in my twenties don't want to waste precious time with someone who does want me. I truly love him but don't want him if he doesn't love me. Even though he says he loves me and is very attractived to me . How can I believe him when all his actions are the opposite???
Posted @ Friday, October 19, 2012 12:10 AM by Pg
Seeing all the post of others gives me an inside to my frustrations with this that I am not the only one. My husband of 10 yrs father of 2 almost 3 in couple of months has disappointed me. We grow up together always telling me porn is not worth it that it's not his thing. After 7 years together found horrible websites including live webcams including searching for girls with profiles locally said it was his friend who had his computer crash that was using it. Did not want to believe it was him but always in the back of my mind. Year later found an other website with lots of options.. Then after that searching words tities and ass on YouTube. I was in shock like really Ive always been really thin with a good figure always felt good about myself but this started happening when I got sick and gained weight because of medication I think to myself is he that shallow? When I was thin he was thicker yet I never found him unattractive now his thin and im thicker which I still feel I look good just added curves to my shape. He says his been 100% faithful which doesn't feel like it when his not as sexually driving as before and clearing his history everyday. I have to always In gage to have any type of intamacy. His excuse is my bad attitude but I only have bad attitude because he makes me feel like crap with all these sites plus always checking out girls in front of me and the kids. I don't want my daughter growing up thinking this is ok or my son also thinking its ok both under 10 yrs lld. I always contiplait in leaving him even if i am pregnant I just don't want to feel like a room mate/chef/babysitter/cleaner I'm still in my twenties don't want to waste precious time with someone who does want me. I truly love him but don't want him if he doesn't love me. Even though he says he loves me and is very attractived to me . How can I believe him when all his actions are the opposite???
Posted @ Friday, October 19, 2012 12:16 AM by Pg
So my fiance from day one has promised me he will never watch porn after i caught him watching porn. We have been together for two years.He made a video for me once and showed his computer screen in a mirror for me to look at, the screen was really dark, but I took a screen shot and brightened it and behind whatever he was trying to show me, there was a porn site open. He is always telling me that he doesnt and hasnt watched porn, and he can always uses inprivate viewing or delete his browsing history so theres no trail, but I honestly think he watches it. He is always complaining that he wants to watch porn but doesnt because of me, and that he wants to check out other womyn or flirt with people in real life because its his nature and thats who he has always been, but I personally think that he should love me and respect me enough to control that "single man" mentality. He also has slept with countless amounts of womyn in his life, and always had womyn just throwing themselves at him and having sex with randoms was always his thing in the past. He also used dating sites and sexual live cams and stuff when he was younger, but he says he's changed etc etc. But after reading all of these, I feel more worried than ever because I feel like maybe he has a sexual addiction and he's lying to me and himself. I think his complaining might just be attempts at telling me in a round about way because of guilt but trying to look like he's a good guy or not guilty. He made vids of him bating for me, and he was watching something on the screen in a few of the vids and clicking on things which he said was just "setting up the video" but then he would thrust during his masterbating as he watched the screen like he was pretending to fuck someone. Also he muted the microphone so that no sound from his end was picked up...why do that if theres not something playing you dont want your partner to hear? I dunno it just all makes me feel really disrespected and alone and especially lied to. I told him from day one I would leave him if I found out he was watching it...so I think he just makes sure he doesnt get caught. Do you think I'm being paranoid? He swears up and down that he doesnt, but I know how sexual he is and has always been throughout his life! He's fucked three womyn in one night before! And has slept with an insane amount of womyn! Do you think hes just humouring me? He was the one who showed me what inprivate browsing even was! So he obviously uses it! He also showed me how to delete browsing history...which I never even thought would be necessary! I just worry all the time, especially since we are in a long distance relationship, and because he has always gone on and gone about how much he loves porn and wants to be watching it.... 
 
 
 
I just feel like he should love me enough to respect me and my feelings as his lover and best friend. He says im his soulmate....so who would lie or purposefully hurt their soulmate? it just doesnt add up! I make sure that I send him pics and vids and we have sexy chats on skype and stuff, like he has waaaay more than enough to be set for life with what i've sent him...so it just wouldnt make sense to me.
Posted @ Saturday, October 20, 2012 12:33 AM by MissLady
I don't buy into all the talk about men and their "needing" to see porn, and that they are hardwired to seek variety. They are selfish beings who care for their needs, and their needs only. When someone in a relationhip says...this behavior hurts me...and they continue with the behavior, then something is very much wrong with this relationship. I think our society allows men to cop out and use the evolutionary reasons to look at porn.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 23, 2012 1:25 PM by Vicki
I believe there is a fine line between looking at porn occassionally, which I don't find to be a problem, and having it become a problem. As a woman, I look at porn occassionally, but believe that more than a couple times a month may be the beginning of a problem. I have watched porn with my husband, without my husband, and I know he does the same. I did have a problem when I found out he was looking at porn on his phone at work, which I just find bizarre, but he didn't lie to me about it, he was actually the one that told me. I do, however, think the men being men phrase is crap. Women want variety too, but we are taught that it is not "normal" for women, but normal for men. I have heard men say that it is okay for men to watch porn and have sex with multiple women, but when women do it, they are "sluts." We, men and women, are all sexual creatures, but I do believe there is a fine line between occassional use, and having it become a problem or interfere with your relationship.
Posted @ Wednesday, October 24, 2012 9:16 AM by TWB
I hate porn yet I have tried to stop looking at it and want to kill myself. I know it is wrong and I know If my wife knew she would be hurt,.Sex was meant to be between she and I . Not with me and my hand or an image of another women. I wish I could kill myself but I know that is not the answer. Really I like porn and I must say I hate myself for it. I am in love with my wife of 11 years she is a knockout. I am nothing short of a pig. I hope God will forgive me and help me kick this nasty embarrassing thing out of my life for ever.
Posted @ Saturday, October 27, 2012 12:52 AM by stupid
I just want to undertstand the whole thing, its a double standard. I have caught my boyfriend several times, at first i was mad because i am ready ,willing and able to do whatever pleases him sexually,emotionally, whatever But this last time i just wanted to discuss it and see where his head is at.Not to judge him in anyway,just understan. And when i asked he exploded and he would not discuss it with me at all. So i tried to pull the website i saw him on to see what i may be doing wrong,and he flipped out. I am not supposed to look at that trash, well if its trash then why is it ok for him. He has said in the past he just does it because he gets bored! really? your bored so you pull up trash tv. wth? how am i supposed to feel. YES men it hurts us women, we want to please you and oursleves with you. is it just another dirty lil secret. he has an addictive personally and i believe thats why. just trading drugs,alchol,or whatever for another.I love this man with all my heart. why am i not enough?
Posted @ Monday, November 12, 2012 5:42 PM by Lori
When I first met my husband I told him that I was not into porn at all, that I never would be, that I hated the way it made me feel about myself, so when we were dating for a year and a half and I found out he was looking at it on his phone, showing it to the guys he worked with and texting pictures of naked chicks back and forth with his friends, I was furious!!! I couldn't even look at him, and wanting to have sex with him was out of the question! I broke up with him for about 2 days and he begged me to come back, he would never do it again, he loves me, blah, blah, blah! So I believed him and I didn't have sex with him for like 2 wks because everytime I tried, all I could think about was the porn, well I got over it and didn't think about it again until I got pregnant with our second child (I have 4 all together, 3 mine and a step) well I was on his computer and just pulled up the browsing history to get to a website that I needed to work from home and there it was, well I was shocked and still didn't even think it was his, a friend of ours had been over the past weekend and this is totally something he would do. So I called my husband and said casually I love getting on the computer and seeing porn and he flipped and said well I wouldn't have to watch it if you would do this and that, it was like a blow to the face! I wasn't even thinking it was his and here he is blaming his watching porn on me! We had a huge fight over it and I accused him of never stopping and of course he lied and said he did, and throughout my whole pregnancy he watched it, which made me feel horrible about myself and he didn't care! So then I started becoming obsessed with finding it, it took over my whole day, made me feel so shitty about myself, our relationship, I thought about it everyday and he was looking at it at least once a week if not more! So after I had my son, I thought I will lose the weight and never say no to sex regardless of whether I'm tired or don't feel like it, I will do all these things he wants and won't bitch at him for it and maybe it will stop! Well if anyone thinks it will make them stop don't even bother, because if you thought you felt bad about yourself before, it is nothing compared to what you feel like when you are giving it all that you have and it still isn't good enough for them to stop watching. So I decided I would just get over it, but I can't, it literally is making me sick to my stomach and depressed! I want to know the REAL reason he watches it not all the stupid excuses he has given me! I also wonder is the stuff he is watching what he wants in real life, like threesomes and lesbian stuff? I am attractive, I work out, I have sex with him at least 3 times a week and it would be more but his job has him working long hours so sometimes he comes home and eats and falls asleep. What am I not doing for him? I even found him looking at porn the day after we had sex and it was the good kind, with all of the stuff he likes, so I'm not sure if he just isn't attracted to me anymore or what? I know he loves me but why doesn't he care when he knows it hurts me so bad? I even tried watching it with him, if that was what he liked then I would try it, I must have been making a face the whole time though cause he knew I didn't enjoy it and he said he hated it, it made him feel so awkward. I even feel like every time he gives me a compliment he is lying, I just feel like laughing in his face and telling him not to bother, bacause I know what he likes and it isn't me! He is even watching porn with all these girls that have things he supposedly hates, like piercings, and really stick thin girls, and redheads, which are all things he has brought up to me over the years that he finds unattractive! I don't get it at all! I love him so much, he is the only person I want to look at and I just want to be that to him, but I can't live like this!! I don't want to feel bad about myself every day because I am always thinking about his porn habit! I don't want to leave but what can I do!! I try to make myself look attractive to him always, I haven't let myself go despite having 4 kids, I get dressed up I wear sexy outfits, what is it!!! If anyone has the answer please let me in on it, I'm not getting anywhere trying to talk to him!
Posted @ Tuesday, November 13, 2012 1:50 PM by Megan
Oh and I just wanted to add....to all the men that have posted on here and are trying and know that they need help, good luck to you and it was brave to post on a site where so many women are hurting from this problem, but you know what, If my husband would come to me and stop making excuses and say he knows it is wrong and wants to fix it, I would be behind him 110%
Posted @ Tuesday, November 13, 2012 2:47 PM by Megan
Amen Megan. my boyfriend are now done! he had rather run and hide, he knows its a problem and for us and our beliefs a its sin, but he had rather loose his family than loose his porn. his name is chris. any believers out there plwease pray for him and all who suffer from any addiction
Posted @ Tuesday, November 13, 2012 10:20 PM by Lori
HERE'S THE REASON WHY...
Posted @ Monday, November 26, 2012 9:05 AM by MAX
I am recently married to my boyfriend of 4 yrs. It wasn't until after we married that I found a few hrs of undeleted porn sites on his lap top. We had always had fights about frequency of sex and his level of interest. Even early on in the relationship. I suspected cheating but with real women. I never considered virtual ones. It really hurt when I found the porn. It felt like I had caught him cheating. I had tried to be open about sexuality and desires. He just hid his and lied and came across sexually reserved in real life. Then things started adding up because he always clears his browser history and the one time he forgot I found porn. He says it isn't a regular problem but I don't believe him. We went to counseling but I feel he just said the things myself and the counselor wanted to here. I don't believe he is being honest still. He said only the one time so I installed spy wear on his computer and caught him looking while we were going to counseling and he had promised not to. If he couldn't make it 2 weeks without looking doesn't that suggest a bigger problem. Now he rarely to never gets on his lap top when before he would be on it several times a week. I find that strange too. Maybe he's looking on the phone because no spy wear there. He says he isn't looking but I don't trust him. Let me ask men, porn causes your woman to feel inadequate, so would you be okay if she went to another man to receive the attention she is lacking at home? Provided she doesn't sleep with him but instead he fills her up, lets her feel needed, wanted and beautiful. Then she goes home and pleasures herself thinking of him, all the while turning down sexual advances from you. Or when she does agree to sex she just closes her eyes and thinks of him. Would that be ok with the men who use porn to satisfy there "other" needs? Because as other women have posted we have needs and desires too. By the way for men who want to assume I'm fat or not attractive, I get attention outside of my relationship all the time. So according to this I should just relish in it because it helps me feel good regardless of how it makes my partner feel. Maybe as long as I hide it and make it a secret, right men???
Posted @ Tuesday, November 27, 2012 11:54 AM by Anonymous
To Max, here is why what? So what you are implying is because real women have feelings and need to feel that they are attractive to their husbands and have some validation and honesty in their relationships, this is the reason that men look at porn? If that is so then why did they get into a relationship in the first place? To Anonymous, having gone through this situation for about 5 years now, he probably is looking on his phone and if you really want to know how much he was looking on his laptop before the spyware, you can look at the cookies, it is only a quick google search away on how to do it, told you all I was obsessed with finding it, and depending on his phone you can search the history on that too. I totally agree with the last bit of what you said in your comment, so what is it guys who look at porn, would that be ok with you all?
Posted @ Tuesday, November 27, 2012 2:20 PM by Megan
Dear Ladies,what are weto do? It is so obvious that we love our men and only our own man, since i met Chris i have never in 4 years ever desired to look at another man.I might think yes they are handsome, but not once have i even thought about what they would look like nude or anything. I sent a message from 2010 from paul that really ,really touch my heart and i wanted to share this with him, and asked him to see it from a woman's heart(his woman's heart). It only angered him more. It makes him possitively livid that I post on this site. As i have told him "the things done in secret" will destroy us, so i wanted to talk about this,get counselling, but he insist he is "not one of those pervs". Well so now he refuses to discuss, aknowledge any of this is a problem. THATS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM!!
Posted @ Tuesday, November 27, 2012 9:52 PM by Lori
I found out my husband had a porn hobby about three weeks ago. I was devastated. I felt like I wasn’t enough for him. I confronted him. He was deeply embarrassed. We had a long talk. Our sex life had not been what it should have been for a couple of years. That was partly my fault. We have four kids, I work and have gone back to school. I didn’t feel sexy and wasn’t really getting anything out of sex. I rarely denied him sex but I wasn’t really into it. Our honest discussion reveled that I needed more attention in the bedroom. I felt sex was all about him and what he wanted and I was just a participant not a sexual partner. He thought I wasn’t interested in being any more than that. My husband explained that porn was really just a release. He had been looking at porn of some sort since he was a young teenager. It didn’t mean anything to him. He didn’t think about those girls once he turned off the computer and admitted that it had become a bigger part of his life in the past couple of years. He assured me that he wanted me and found me to be very sexy. He took me to his computer and gave me a personal tour of what he looked at and what he liked. It was all very normal. His favorite women where very girl next door.  
We had great sex for about a week. Then I found he had been looking at porn again. I had told him it was okay but when I saw the pictures on his computer I lost it. I felt so inadequate. I guess I thought if I gave him what he needed he wouldn’t have to resort to porn. Apparently that wasn’t the case. I explained how a 44 year old mother of four children can’t possibly compete with a 20 something girl. I let him know how much I hated parts of my body that will never look like a young woman’s. I told him how much it hurt that he was having sexual experiences with someone other than me even though it was just porn. He listened and apologized for making me so upset. He even offered to stop since it made me feel so bad. I realized that I was having some personal body issues that really had nothing to do with porn. I didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t measure up to society’s concept of ideal beauty. I am a beautiful woman. My body isn’t bad for having four children and I have resolved to get into better shape so I feel better about me. The next day I told him not to clean out his computer. If he enjoyed porn and it didn’t interfere with our sex life or family time, he could continue. I even offered to pleasure him while he looked at his favorites. I don’t believe he has a problem. I think he just does it for fun. He says he will not hurt me and I trust him. I don’t believe it is cheating. I believe it is just men using a tool to heighten their alone time experiences. My man is not going to leave me for the 20 something red head with the beautiful smile. She takes off her clothes for a living and she probably wouldn’t give him the time of day. I, on the other hand, must be peeled off the ceiling these days and can’t get enough of him. This is how I feel today. Yesturday I was still a bit threatened. Tomorrow who knows? 
Posted @ Wednesday, November 28, 2012 2:43 PM by Lea
Thing is... I'm somewhat upset that my bf watches porn. We've been together for over 4 years, we're both 24, and our "sex life" is... good. We haven't consummate yet because he says he's afraid that I might end up being pregnant (don't ask me how many times I have told him that I can take pills or buy condoms...), anyway, we have a lot of fun and all but it's not the same. 
A couple of months ago I found out that he was looking for videos online and when I asked him about it, he didn't deny it, said to me it was "normal", that he loves me, that i'm way better than all those girls and blah blah. From that day, whenever I can I check on his internet history but most of the time it's deleted. When he forgets to do it, I find some porn.  
Now... i've watched porn too a couple of times. I get aroused and masturbate on what I see mainly (i guess) because i have need for him but he simply says that we're too young to take on such a big responsaability... 
so why does he keep on watching porn instead of satisfying his desires with me? Why do they keep it secret and believe we don't know or haven't found out yet. Why do I feel upset that he watches porn, but not guilty that i have watched it too?
Posted @ Monday, December 03, 2012 4:10 PM by lena
I'm a woman who likes porn. Seeing other people have sex turns me on. I would never remember the faces or specific bodies of the people in the videos the next day. There is SO much variety online, with such quick changes that I really don't think it's about the specific people. Unless your hubby or BF has a favorite porn star he's into... that's different. My BF openly told me he watched porn when our sex life was great, and I told him I watched sometimes. Now that he is having performance issues, he is denying watching porn. He has low testosterone and erectile dysfunction. I'm thinking he is *trying* to get revved up by the porn to help our sex life, but it's not working. I don't think he's getting off on the porn... even that is not curing the ED... So I'm trying to be sympathetic. I'd prefer it to be something we do together. BUT, that said, I tell him *I* watch porn. Even if you don't like it, pretend you do. Tell him watching those big male genitals make you hot. Put the shoe on the other foot to see if he's OK with that. JUST by asserting yourself that way, you will feel better and more in control, and he will have to consider whether he can handle equality, or whether he will decide to compromise.
Posted @ Thursday, December 13, 2012 1:32 PM by Juju
B Boy- 
I'm a woman. 
I totally know where you are coming from. I can do all the things that are done in porn. I have energy all the time, I always want more, I'll do it any time any where, I do it all.  
But I have a question for you ALL... Why would my boyfriend still watch porn then tell me he watches it for no reason?
Posted @ Monday, December 17, 2012 6:37 PM by So Fly
Juju 
 
I watched porn and sometimes still do. I have even told my boyfriend about it. He seemed OK, but I think that I will take you up on your advice and go back to it just to have it around to see how he likes it. Then work things out from there.  
Thank You, I'm not the only woman that watches porn.
Posted @ Monday, December 17, 2012 6:52 PM by So Fly
so if someone has a problem with something.. (that harms none) uh.. where do you think the problem is? and do you think blaming someone else will help? theres this funny thing, called being reasonable. should try it sometime. im sure you'd all feel a hell of a lot better.. :) wouldnt walk in on someone taking a dump would u.. so... grow up.
Posted @ Thursday, December 20, 2012 8:09 PM by saidndunova
hi guys..acc to me porn helps but dont make it an addiction it cost ur health..u r destroying ur life ur outside world wasting time on porn yes obvious it good to depression and anxiety but for just 5 minutes!after that whatt!! again same things !dont miss ur beautiful world and adventures it will make u quite unhealty and u will feel a weakness in ur body which will force u to sleep everytime..porn is unhealthy..avoid it..this is an addiction for mentally weak and loosers who cant face this world..do some healty exercises to remove depression it helps u can do gyming atleast u arnt loosing ur health putting urself in those stupid acts..
Posted @ Friday, December 21, 2012 10:54 AM by rupesh
ok so im 23 yrs old and 5'1" 115 lbs i love freaky sex stuff and have a way higher sex drive then my husband. I relish in the way men craved me when i was single. Im up for anything short of violence. I've had more sex in 3 months then my husband did in like 5 yrs, and dont give me that its easier for women bullshit because my husband is insanely hot and he would have no problems getting laighed. So pls pray tell why the hell am i not enough? I was more or les a sex craved whore when i was single, but now im married and i love my husband and i despise unfaithfulness. ive been in a super abusive relationship before and was cheated on several times over a period of 6 yrs and i did not cheat not once. My husband claims he hates unfaithfulness as much as me for similar reasons and yet when i tell him porn is like cheating to me (not rational i know but it is what it is) he just gets pissed shuts down and keeps on doing it. I even threw out my vibrator because it bothered him and still he choses porn over me. i told him i was fine with him using porn if i was unavailable and i can even understand it when wer fighting but the fact that he choses porn over me when wer not fighting and im available destroys me. im sick of men coming up with excuses like its in there nature and its just the way men are. BULLSHIT!!!! women are animals to just like men and maybe back in caveman times men were made to reproduce as often as possible for the sake of servival and women were not due to the fact we can only reproduce about once a year as appose to the once every 20 min men were gifted with, its the 21st f***ing century and wer living on an over populated planet so how about men start owning up to there short comings, stop coming up with pathetic excuses and eather admit that their need for porn is just a sad weakness of tghere gender and women are obviously stronger when it comes to sex or learn to control it and be happy with having sex with and getting off to one woman. eather stay single or explain to us what wer doing wrong sexually but dont just get with a woman hurt her and make up excuses its not ok when we do it and its not ok when you do it. just be honest when you get with a woman be like "hey i f***ing love sex and im into some wierd shit if you dont or your not then this wont work. Sex is important in a relationship so it should be addressed from the get go otherwise dont bitch!!!!!!!
Posted @ Friday, December 28, 2012 4:03 PM by mare
Women are culturally and genetically incapable of understanding why men enjoy porn. They hate it only because they have been taught to and because they see it as a threat to their ability to control the sexual environment by saying , "No!"
Posted @ Tuesday, January 01, 2013 8:19 PM by Friday
my husband of 29 years is addicted to anything that will give him a blow job. I'm an attractive 56 yr. old woman but he has no desire for me because he goes for the 18 to 32 age bracket and told me that I'm gross. The only attention I get from him is if he thinks I'm going to suck it. For a while I made the effort to become his blowjob queen. I guess it's the age factor and the fact that he is only interested in his own satisfaction. He has multiple women that suck him off and he doesn't have to put out any effort or money to please them. They're just young, horny cock suckers who get off on sucking dicks. 
There have been periods in my younger day when I enjoyed hard core sex with more than a few partners. After I became a christian I became aware of what God's plan is for a healthy relationship. I want to be my husbands ultimate lover but I just can't bring myself to let go when he doesn't reciprocate. His idea of foreplay is pinching my nipple and maybe a peck on my forehead. He could care less about satisfying me. When he's done, it's over, shut up, leave me alone.  
If I weren't a christian woman I would have me a lover in a heartbeat. I have my faults and will be the first to admit to them. 
He says he doesn't want a divorce and is a good provider. As long as I keep my mouth shut about his infidelity he's happy for me to be here to be his housekeeper. He wants his family life and his whores and he doesn't want to change. 
I'm looking for a way out. I'm 56 and don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated like a dog.
Posted @ Monday, January 14, 2013 1:00 AM by Melonosa
I like sex and would have it every day with my wife if she was willing. I have not hidden my desires from her and have had the courage to open up to her about what I like and would like to share with her. If she wanted more sex she could have it, with me or with me and other men. I am willing to do anything she wants. She is not interested in being the playmate I want in bed so I beat off to porn and think of her in place of the woman in the film and wish she was more adventurous. 
Posted @ Sunday, January 20, 2013 3:24 AM by Honest Man
Good article. I thought it hit the problem on the head. For the women here, men don't think about the ramifications of what they are watching and how it might affect their relationships. It's a cheap and phony relationship that doesn't fulfill in the end. I'm a guy and have struggled on and off for a number of years and I'm now seeking help because I believe I am trying to fill something missing from my life ... past hurt or something in my life that never grew up. I also believe that from a purely non religious moral basis that porn also hurts men in ways that lead to low self esteem, view of women as objects, confidence, and other areas. If you are in it, get out of it. I am seeking counseling right now as I know I have hurt my wife and also for my own sanity.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 22, 2013 8:20 PM by SomeGuy
I believe that if a Man turns to porn then it is cheating, period! There is no room in my life for counciling just because my husband decides to make me feel like less of a woman. No Man on this Earth would feel okay with his wife looking at other Men. So, if a Man is lacking something in the bedroom, instead of getting excited over porn, A Man needs to talk to his wife and explore sexual desires together! When you open yourself up to someone else's desires then where does that leave you and your wife? Talk to her about what you want!!!Remember, it's what you want and not what you need! When you get married husband and wife become ONE! Not Husband, wife and PORN!
Posted @ Tuesday, February 05, 2013 1:22 PM by Patricia
If we all had a magic button we could push anytime we wanted, and any favourite fast food item we liked would materialise in front of us, our diets would definitely change! Why do men watch porn? Not because of all the answers in this article, but because it is always sitting on your desk. 100% available all the time at the click of a button. Anything you want. Porn is the fast food of sex. It short-circuits your normal desires. And you can say it's normal all you want, but at the end of the day, it's not good for you.
Posted @ Thursday, February 07, 2013 7:02 AM by Lavinia
I feel so much better after reading many of these comments, especially the long spaced one from Paul. THAT is exactly what I NEED to hear from my husband. We have been dating and now married for a total of about 7 years. I'm not only down for whatever he wants in the bedroom, but after I saw the main focus of his previous porn I decided to do that stuff too. It took allot, but I even ended up enjoying myself while doing these new things. He seemed thrilled and stayed away from porn for quite a while, but even though he would not revert he has several times. So now it's just this continuous battle between us, and yeah, he doesn't look at it that often, but damnit I'm simply NOT OK with any porn viewing behind my back. When we get right down to it, it's the damned lying and hiding that hurt the most. It's hard enough for me to deal with the self-esteem issues that it raises, but above all else I silly cannot remain with someone who will lie to my face even when he knows I KNOW he's lying. Dude, if you're caught, you're caught. Don't rub salt into my wounded heart by proving just how stupid you apparently think I am and how little you respect me and our relationship. Web history doesn't lie, and it doesn't lie repeatedly...unless...the web browser is just making it all up? Yes, it's a conspiracy! I chose to spend the rest of my life with you. I not only do amazing things to and with you in bed, but I am often the one to add the new spice (hello BDSM)! And we both know I'm hot, so that's never been an issue. But most of all? I LOVE you! I have stood by you through some unbelievably thin times and never even thought of cutting out. You are the one. I know this. But as I've said before, don't you dare think that that will keep me from leaving if enough is enough. I would hate to see Porn be that reason.
Posted @ Sunday, February 10, 2013 1:54 AM by A
Believe it or not there are many heterosexual men who resent having to be in any kind of "relationship" in order to have sex. It's like being just about to sit down and enjoy a great meal in a restaurant and suddenly having the waiter say "before I bring your meal you have to get up and run around the block five times and only THEN would I be happy to serve your dinner. Women always try to make a man "pay" for allowing sex. Whether that payment be some kind of emotional commitment, dinner and a movie, or demanding that the man they have sex with me great looking, famous or wealthy.....whatever. But some guys simply don't want to be in a relationship of any kind for a number of reasons. And for these men their sexual choices are very limited- pay for sex or watch porn and masturbate. 
 
Women call men like this "shallow" and "immature" But if they felt the same way about sex and relationships and they wanted to seek sexual release with a man all they have to do is make that fact known and they will get lots of offers no matter how they look or what their monetary status is. In light of this fact when it comes to men who simply prefer solo sex and porn to jumping through hopes in order to have sex with a woman, women should just shut up and quit criticizing the personal choices of others. It is none of their business.
Posted @ Sunday, February 10, 2013 8:30 AM by Maxi
The only thing all the women's responses to this article prove is that they really, really DON'T get it. Porn, to most men, is not about them. It is not about our relationship with them. It is not about the way they look or the way they perform in bed. In a way it is a lot like women's relationship with shoes or handbags. As much as you know none of them will make you look like that model in the magazine, you gotta, gotta have them. The difference with men and porn is they don't really want to have what the porn depicts. It's nothing more than mind candy, an escape into fantasy; and, yes, most men do know the difference between fantasy and reality. If they are still with you in spite of all the ups and downs of two different people coexisting in such close quarters and sharing the responsibilities of raising a family and he still comes home after work and doesn't spend every spare moment in a bar or playing golf or some other diversion, then what are you complaining about? You have "Sex and the City" and every other piece of female soft porn trash shows on TV, so give it a break and grow up. Trust me; every man enjoys the fantasy of being a big time football player or action hero. That's why those shows are so popular, but would he really, really want to give up what it takes to be a football star or risk his life like an action hero. Hell no! Porn is no different. It is his way to enjoy the experience without all of the negatives. Remember, he doesn't have to take her home and he can turn her on or off anytime he wants to...even if it is to take you someplace you really, really want to go. I don't know the reason for this Crusade women seem to be on about this but, trust me on this, even if he gives up porn on the internet, he will still be thinking about it. So what have you gained except a very frustrated and angry spouse who probably feels cheated because he already gives you everything he can and he just wants to find a place to escape to where he can always set the conditions and call the shots and not worry about "Am I going to be rejected again". Try to understand rather than always, always having to be in control of everything he does, or thinks or even fantasizes about. No woman, not matter how giving she thinks she is doesn't want to totally control her man. If she didn't, then his enjoyment of porn wouldn't be an issue. If you really would leave him because he enjoys porn, then you demand too much control over your relationship. Women control too much of a man's life as it is. Most of us put up with that because we love you and don't want to fight every battle. So simply understand this: No matter how much you try, you will never control his fantasies. You have no right to. You should be glad he has that outlet because, if he didn't, he would be looking for it in real life either outside or inside his relationship with you. And be very careful what you ask for if your answer is inside the relationship because you can never satisfy the main driver that porn fantasy provides, namely, any act, any position, anywhere, any time. It will just leave you both dissatisfied; and, in your case, since this is all about control, very dissatisfied and angry at him. He picks his battles very carefully, be sure of that. You need stop being a fairy tale princess and to learn to do the same.
Posted @ Sunday, February 10, 2013 2:37 PM by Charles
I think that porn use is not necessarily cheating. I think it is only cheating if it's done in secrecy. The person is cheating themselves first if they are ashamed of what they are doing but do it anyway. The cheating part is pretending not to do it and presenting that falsehood to a partner. Everyone should be able to live life according to their own values. If a man views porn and likes it, he should not lie about that but should stand in integrity with who he is and then find a woman who likes the same things. It's not rocket science. Just find a person who has like values and then have fun. 
I don't like porn myself, and I don't want it in my home, so I would have to pair up with a man who wanted the same thing....not rocket science here. It's the lies that kill the soul of the person and the relationship.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 13, 2013 7:07 AM by Kat
I read a lot that many men prefer their fantasy life with porn to that a of a relationship with a real woman. Everyone has a right to live life the way they want to, and many people do not want to be in a relationship with the opposite sex, and they have a right to that. The only problem seems to happen when a person tries to have things that can't possibly go together. A marriage can incorporate porn and be a strong relationship if it's done in the light and people aren't hiding and lying about it to one another. There are "open marriages" and people who swing etc...Just be honest and live in integrity with your values. I really appreciate the men on this thread who are absolutely honest about not wanting a relationship with a woman. These men pair up perfectly with the women who want to sell sex as their trade, porn being one of these trades. That is an honest relationship. A porn viewing man and his porn queens...a match made in heaven. I agree leave these guys to the life they want to live. There is room for everyone in this world. 
What is not OK is when a person hides who they are in the shadows. If you are a porn viewing man, have the gus to stand in the light without apologies, and live with truth. These are the men I admire. I do not admire men who can't have the guts to stand in what they do who have to run around in the shadows pretending to be something they are not. My husband left me, because I can't accomodate his porn. He's with a woman now who does. I'm happier now and so is he. Now, he walks out of the shadows and owns who he is, and I respect him for that.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 13, 2013 7:34 AM by Kat
I know men who tell me they choose not to view porn, because they feel it takes their power away and they don't like that. They want to stay in control of their lives and feel that porn weakens them and they lose self-control. I believe these men. I can smell a porn using man from a mile away regardless of whether he admits it or not....that's why I stay away from church....lots of porn viewing liars there. I would prefer the bar or the strip club anyday to church at this point. At least people are living with integrity and honest there. I know why Jesus hung out there.
Posted @ Wednesday, February 13, 2013 9:57 AM by Kat
There are so many good posts here, it's going to take me a long time to digest what you've all shared. 
Charles your post is brilliant....I really appreciate everyone's contribution. I've been studying this for awhile. I like to see patterns that emerge and what the bottom lines really are (no pun intended) This issue has been part of the war between the sexes for awhile but especially now. I'm a peace maker by nature, so I have to come to terms with it in a way that makes space for all.......
Posted @ Wednesday, February 13, 2013 10:04 AM by Kat
I agree that women will never understand what men get from porn. Personally, I don't care. What I care about is identifying what I want in my life, and I know I want a porn-free life, which is what I have now. To women who are tired of this. I can tell you...I'm in my late 50's and living a beautiful, porn-free life. The day my husband left with his porn, a dark cloud lifted from my life, and my life has been getting better and better every single day. If this is hurting you....leave the situation. I promise that the beautiful life you knew as a little girl before lecherous porn-filled me took it over will return to you, and it is glorious, trust me.
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 7:56 AM by Kat
Whoops....I meant lecherous men.... 
Hmmmmm Freudian slip?.....
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 7:57 AM by Kat
One thing I read alot is how women shouldn't take their partner's porn use personally....that it's not about them and that it's not about them not being enough, but then I read that men view porn, because they want variety and one woman is not enough, that a real life woman is not enough and men need porn. It's crazy making....so much doublespeak coming from the male side of the equation. So, I've given up trying to make sense of any of it, and I just went to what I clearly know, and that is myself. There's no confusion. If porn hurts me and makes me feel ill when I view it, I won't be doing that. If I don't like what my porn-filled husband's eyes reflect back to me, I won't be looking into his eyes. If a man's gaze gives me the creeps I'm going to call him out on it. That's my stand with porn and the men in my life who use it. I don't want to know anything about their secret sex life...TMI.....not going there...end of story
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 12:47 PM by Kat
In some ways, my husband's porn use was a gift to me. I was able to identify the childhood wounds that I absorbed as lecherous men made away with my innocence throughout my childhood. If I had stayed with my husband and his porn, I would have been actively participating in further violation of that part of me.....so, I got myself to a safe place and reclaimed my childhood innocence.
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 12:52 PM by Kat
I keep feeling the need to respond to things as I'm reading these posts. To the women who know they are not as beautiful as the porn women....that's most of us. I found that to be good news, because it took me out of the "competition" I had set up for myself. When my energy was spent on trying to be "attractive" to my husband, I was distracted from my own self-awareness, my own awareness of what was attractive to me. Now, I no longer make my life about trying to be attractive to anyone....That's not what I find joy doing. I do find joy in being attracted to the beauty surrounding me every day....I have a full world now. I no longer see the world through a man's eyes. I'm not good porn. I'm not beautiful in terms of porn standards. I don't attract "butt" men and "boob" men and "leg" men and (fill in the blank, name the body part) men. I attract heart men, and they are the BEST. It's all good.
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 1:27 PM by Kat
I just noticed it's Valentine's Day.....appropriate to recognize the "heart men" wo love me, and whom I love in return.
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 1:48 PM by Kat
I'm curious.....men say that the visual sense is their primary sense by which they experience sex. So that being the case, wouldn't viewing porn be cheating, because a man is visually engaging sexually with other women? If women's primary sense is emotional....then the equivalent to porn for women would be emotionaly engagement with other men. He views other women and gets off. She has emotional relationships with other men and gets off..... I keep reading that men's sexual experience is highly visual. Wouldn't a man want to protect himself visually then to make sure he's not engaging sexually with others? Or is it just a big free for all at this point. I don't really have a clue. I wanted to read all the posts on this thread. There are so many, and I keep having questions triggered by the topics that people are writing about.
Posted @ Thursday, February 14, 2013 8:39 PM by Kat
Some women don't want to be part of a harem. Some women don't mind. When a man is viewing porn for his sexual pleasure, whatever woman is in his life is just part of the harem. He doesn't "cherish" her, and he certainly doesn't protect her. Some women can tolerate being part of a harem. I think this is what every woman must decide for herself. Does she want to be part of a harem...then stay with your porn using partner. If you don't want to be part of a harem but would prefer to be "cherished" as "special" and "set aside", "protected" then you'll have to leave the harem. The decision is yours. Some women really suffer in their identity in a harem, and some don't at all....I think it's each woman's choice as to what they want.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:20 AM by Kat
So, I've been thinking about the false expectations that porn use sets up....If a man is fooling himself with fantasy sex with many women....then how does he view himself in relation to his partner. Does he see himself through a fantasy lense as "faithful", her "protector"? It seems that he would....the fantasy lense would be extended to his partner, and even though he is far from being "faithful" and her "protector"....he might think he is....He's living in fantasy land all the way around. His partner, however is not wearing porn goggles and sees reality, and it is NOT pretty....
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:32 AM by Kat
One of the ways a man fools himself is to think he is "keeping" his partner by lying...that he has to hide his harem or he will "lose" his partner, but he lost his partner to himself the day he opened the door and invited the harem into his mind and heart....He lost his "wife" the day he did that...He fools himself to think he still has a "wife". She disappeared to him as soon as porn took over. What he has is a facade of his own making. He has cheated himself of reality. His wife is reality. A woman doens't need to question her value related to his porn use. She delivers reality perfectly. She will never be fantasy....Some men want real women and some don't.
Posted @ Tuesday, February 19, 2013 10:41 AM by kat
I don't really get why men get into relationships if porn keeps them so satisfied. It's obvious a singular women that cares for a man isn't enough to please him. So why even bother with relationships? 
 
Guys, maybe you could do us some kindness and not pretend you want relationships of love and loyatly only to turn around and beat off to women we can never measure up to? If these ideal forms of female beauty are what you lustily enjoy, please enjoy them. But maybe you could help us women out a little bit and not get into relationships with us if our feminity and what we offer isn't enough for you. I'd be grateful if more men could be honest about what they really wanted instead of pretending us regular average women are it. Don't lie to us or yourselves that you care for us. It would make everything much easier and maybe women would have a chance to find a better place in life themselves.  
Posted @ Friday, February 22, 2013 3:03 PM by JS
JS....I totally hear you. That is what I can't figure out myself. I realize that I don't trust men to represent themselves honestly. It seems that what is going on is so much dishonesty. Why fool women into thinking they are "special" or the "only one"....why? why? Is it just so they can fool her enough that she will give herself, body, mind and soul? It's such a travesty that is going on. That's why I so appreciate men who are honest about just loving their porn. Those men are refreshing to me. I know where I stand with them. There's nothing lurking in the shadows...they aren't pretending or misleading me to use me......I ask the same questions you are asking...why not just live with the variety they so desire...?
Posted @ Saturday, February 23, 2013 11:45 PM by Kat
The other thing that I don't get is why men quantify their sexuality as a "struggle"...why not just accept the man's desire for beauty and variety...why fight it? why try to rein one's sexuality into a relationship with a single woman if it's such a struggle...? Why not just be honest...enjoy the variety and stop "struggling" against one's sexuality. I have read so much and I'm convinced that most men are not supposed to be with a single woman. I don't believe in "struggling" in life.
Posted @ Sunday, February 24, 2013 12:06 AM by Kat
I think that the uncovering of porn use in men has been a really good thing. Personally, it has brought me freedom from a life of feeling my value and purpose was to be attractive for a man. It's a lost cause. I am not beautiful the way men relate to beauty...I'm not "attractive" the way that porn is. I don't hold a candle to the beautiful women, and I'm OK with that. Porn has helped me walk away from the tyranny of a life with one eye trained on having to keep a man's attention. What a lost cause that is. I believe that as more and more women discover their man's porn use, his preferences and discover what a lost cause it is to think they are going to keep men away from porn, more and more women are going to live for something more than trying to keep a man. I do believe that very good things are coming. I think the narcissism inherent in wanting to be the "only one" is going to be replaced by something much more fulfilling. I see it coming. Porn is here to stay, and men loving porn is here to stay, and the majority of women not being beautiful is here to stay. What I think women will discover in this is that there is something much more meaningful to live for than trying to "keep" a man's attention. Good things are coming for us all.
Posted @ Sunday, February 24, 2013 10:05 AM by kat
One thing that I discover as I read on this topic is how manipulative sex beocmes when it becomes about trying to "help" a man not look at porn. A man doesn't look at porn because his wife gained weight. That is a bogus excuse. If a woman's life becomes about trying to keep her man "faithful" or away from porn, good luck with that. That is entirely manipulative....there's no love in that. I think it's a total trap to have a vested interest in being the "only one"....that is just crazy. Have a vested interest in something attainable....that's what I say anyway....have sex for non-manipulative reasons....Have it honestly...It's dishonest to pretend that a woman is the "only one" ....in reality she's just one of billions.....nothing special and this is really good news, in my opinion....It's a trap to have to be "special"....
Posted @ Sunday, February 24, 2013 10:14 AM by kat
I have been reading all the comments, and it would seem to me that there's a pattern in the responses from the females. Not one response from a wife or girlfriend that they did no felt intimidated by porn but on the contrary, they took their partners and made their fantasy come true. Girls love shopping and most ask their partners to join them in this activity. Most males will run the other way because of 100 excuses. Knowingly that he does not like going shopping with her, she still would love for him to be there with her. Is this a fantasy? Is this that much different form porn? Ladies, your partners will do an go the extra mile for you, and you know it. You don't want him to watch porn? make it a couples activity, turn into that actress on tv and make what he's watching reality. That is the same you experience with him at the mall. Yes, it is that simple. You will notice how he voluntarily wants to start going out with you more, just like when you started dating. At the end, both want the same thing, the fantasy of what you expect from him/her to be true.
Posted @ Friday, March 01, 2013 11:53 AM by Ed
And I did forget the other common response: "intimidated by those women". Ladies, there's nothing to be intimidated by, if anything, it's the men who watch incredible large penis as if it was theirs satisfy a woman like a superman. You really think you can be intimidated? Have him feel like that guy on the video, you once did, you can do it again. It's all about fantasy, and you are your partner's first fantasy. That's what is porn all about. If not, then all the men would be GAY by watching those mega penis.
Posted @ Friday, March 01, 2013 12:01 PM by Ed
I think one thing that makes women feel "intimidated" by the porn is that it the constant "mantra"....men are visual....men respond to physical beauty....there is no way most women can begin to "compete" with the visual "beauty" of porn. A real woman can't be his "fantasy"....it's impossible. She's real....not available to be his projection like the fantasy girls can be. Either way, there's no way a real woman can become his fantasy....become his porn...but it's an interesting thought. I think the depression women are feeling is that have tried to be his "fantasy", but that is a competition....not love. I can't possibly be my partner's fantasy porn...but I can be a real, loving woman, however that seems to not be enough to please a man these days.
Posted @ Saturday, March 02, 2013 10:40 AM by Kat
Hi Ed, I have to agree with Kat’s words and add some of my own. 
 
First, I actually don’t make my boyfriend go shopping with me. It’s actually an activity I rather do on my own and I know that most guys don’t like to do it anyway. But when I go shopping, I’m not looking to entertain myself with other men sexually either. And that’s really the difference for a lot of women.  
 
I also don’t ask my boyfriend to sit by my side while I look at 18 year old boys, or men with giant penises, or men that have 6 figures salaries and are 6 foot plus tall. And then tell him that these men are *just* my fantasy and how much more masculine and strong these men are compared to him but I love him because he’s just so gosh darn funny.  
 
Asking your partner to go shopping with you, or play golf with you, or go to watch a movie or out to dinner is a very different activity from asking your partner to watch porn with you. And really, please, lets be honest, I am sure there are men with giant penises in porn, but most porn mainly uses women as the object to focus on. Most porn is focused on the woman’s body. Most women in porn are regulated to a narrowly defined age group, 18-25. Most men are not regulated to that age group in porn because porn is made for men. Expectations for women in porn are MUCH higher on a much WIDER scales then they will ever be for men. No matter the penis size of men. Because porn is made FOR men mainly. Even those men with the big penises are really for the men because that’s what a lot of men *think* they need to make a beautiful woman feel pleasure. Women see how men judge us and prioritize women in porn, and it’s not flattering to what real women offer.  
 
I don’t want to have to turn into the actress on tv for him to be pleased. I don’t want to be someone else. I want to be me. I want him to celebrate *my* sexuality. NOt ask me to copy, be more like, mimic a porn star. The fact that you ask women to be more like the actress on the screen and not encourage women to be more like themselves sexually, is VERY telling about how a lot of men pit women up against porn to begin with. And that’s really the problem. Men don’t celebrate real women and their sexuality. They have this huge empire of porn and they want real women to be more like porn-stars. And for a lot of real women, that feels very binding and lacking in freedom and what sex should really be, between a couple. Don’t ask us to be porn stars! Ask us to be more of our authentic selfs! Don’t demand we try to live up to your fantasies of 18 year olds in porn that moan and coo and over act like they are having the best time in their life when a lot of what goes on in porn isn’t really even that physically pleasurable for women. Be engaged with *us* instead. Stop being so engaged with porn and asking your woman to be more like the pornstars. This is the exact problem that alot of women don’t like! They don’t want to have to be more like a pornstar for you to feel happy with her. She wants to be HERSELF and have her man LOVE who she is sexually in herself.  
Women don’t want to have to pretend to be a porn star just so that he is finally happy with her. That’s not right Ed.  
 
You say there is nothing to be intimidated by. But obviously there is if you are telling women to be more like the women in porn to make our men happy. Do you see the contradictory message in that?  
 
Do you seriously think men physically have more to contend with in porn when women have to deal with all kinds of stereotypes and objectifications about themselves in porn? Come on. You know who porn is largely made for. It’s not largely made for women. It’s made for men. And there are very real and sad stereotypes women are forced into through porn that men simply don’t care about. Do you even know what women have to contend with? They have to have the right body. And stereotypically having the right body in porn means you are young, big breasted, tiny waisted and white. They don’t make porn for women! The big penises in porn don’t exist for women. They exist because that’s men’s idea of what pleases women. Women don’t largely create porn and they don’t largely create the demand for porn. Most of what is in porn is for male pleasure.
Posted @ Saturday, March 02, 2013 11:24 AM by Erin
Porn objectifies women. Those women that obviously have drug addictions or need money. Most pornography these days is for the sick-minded. It detaches a women's personality from the woman. Do you understand? You are using the woman as a mere sex object, not even a real living person worthy of respect. You have no respect. If you're watching pornography you have no respect, not even for yourself. Over time as you condition your body to orgasm from watching other people you will become less and less interested in your own REAL sex life.
Posted @ Tuesday, March 12, 2013 12:57 AM by Sarah
I find this all unacceptable and your explanation of it even more crass and selfish.. you can tell its been written by a man/boy not a true medical expert. I have just spent 3 years of my life in love with a friend of 30 plus years who had never had sex though self doubt on his manhood and anxiousness even though previously married, he used 30 years plus of porn instead, I worked with him supportively to make that happen as not only his best friend in life but his now new partner.... it worked he became a man and a lover... you would think that would be a life revelation wouldn't you? the first time is his life he could make love/have sex with a real woman consistently.... but no I have shed a million tears over his porn use... I have been there for him... its not enough... he was the shy one... I was the wild one...I gave him everything...but here I am after 3 years in this and its over.... I just got my overuse broadband bill will Im at work and got the stats and figures on times streaming to prove it... for once I have evidence not just an argument.. its over. I suggest any woman in this dilemma do the same and save your sanity.... you can understand all you want.. I did with a full 30 year friendship behind me and this bullshit from inexperienced doctors like this person is clouding your mind, he is a man after all and speaking as he finds not medically balanced as a professional would, he's an idiot and should shut his page down. t's simple, if they chose that life over human contact... they don't deserve human contact... leave them now.
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 2:33 AM by AMJ
I can't believe that women are still fretting that they can't live up to and compete with the beautiful women in porn. That fake Hollywood look is just one small part of porn. Sure back in the old days when porn was mostly men's magazines you had good looking models. But today with hundreds of thousands of free porn videos available online men are looking at all kinds of women. Some of the most popular online porn genres are older women, fat women, hairy women, shemales, ugly women and one of the most popular- amateur couples who make their own porn and who you wouldn't look at twice in you were waiting in line with them at Walmart.It is not beauty men are looking for in porn, that gets old really fast, it is VARIETY. Variety in women and they way they look, their skin color, their sexual attitude (slutty, submissive, dominant)variety is the sexual acts they like to watch. It is the constant newness and variety that porn provides not fake looking Hollywood porn stars that keep men coming back for more.
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 9:02 AM by Anon
Dear Anon, thank you for your post. You wrote, "I can't believe that women are still fretting that they can't live up to and compete with the beautiful women in porn." As a woman who left a man with a porn addiction, I appreciate and understand your point. However, I did not leave my fiance because he had a porn addiction, but because he admitted he had an addiction and he also admitted he did not want to stop. He said there was no reason to stop and that my insecurity was my problem, not his. I was willing to stay if he got help, but him refusing to get help for his addiction told me that he really did not love me the way a man should love a woman he is about to marry because he should care if something he is doing is hurting our relationship. I am a very sexual person, and I want variety too, but I don't want it at the expense of my relationship with the person I am supposed to be in love with. I think it's too simple to say that women just feel insecure about their bodies and that they cannot measure up - it is so much deeper than that for a woman. It is about trust, security and feeling like the relationship is equally important to him as it is to her. If my ex-finace told me I was doing something that hurt him then I would have to make a choice of what is more important to me - him or the behavior. I think when men start to understand that by continuing to lie to their significant others, hiding the porn and making excuses when they get caught, that they are signaling to their partner that they care more about the porn than they do about her or their relationship, then maybe and hopefully someday a light bulb might just come on for some men.
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 9:25 AM by Carol
My boyfriend and I have sex a lot multiple times a day usually and its not boring by any means, we keep it exciting and we try new things regularly. Yet I find he still watches porn very regularly. and yes he does masturbate every time. He says it means nothing and that it has nothing to do with me its just something he does. He cant really explain it except its a stress reliever and just something he does when hes bored or passing time. If he comes home from school and as 15-20 min before work he will pull up some porn and masturbate before he goes even if we had sex that morning and the previous night. We have talked about it and I told him its something I will try get past and accept. To be honest I don`t know if I can. No matter how much I tell myself its not a big deal it kind of is to me. some days I am ok with it and others it really gets to me. I love this man more than anything and he loves me to. I am not sure what to do. I even suggested we watch it together if that's something he likes and he said when I am home it's even on his mind. He said that's not what it's about. I told him to be honest with me about it and I didn't want him to hide it from me, I want us to be able to trust each other and communicate. The fact that he watches it doesn't bother me as much as how often he does it, multiple times a week sometimes 3 or 4 days out of the week. Should I be worried or concerned?
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 10:12 AM by TB
The key word is "boyfriend" and I'll bet you are young. Sure when you are young and not married sex is great. But when you've been with the same person for a long time you get bored and lose your sexual desire. That's where porn comes in. When marriages become sexless because a guy can no longer get aroused by his wife then porn keeps him at home rather than searching around for an affairs, one night stands or paid sex. He can get sexual release without leaving home. I think porn has kept a LOT of couples in sexless marriages together, probably way more than it has caused.
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 10:46 AM by Anon
ARE YOU ON DRUGS??? men do it because sex has gone out of the marriage??? my god your a catch arn't you?? women stop wanting sex because the image of their partner grunting in front of a screen is disgusting to them.. wake the hell up..YOUR THE REASON YOUR WIFE DOESNT DESIRE YOU & PROBABLY FANTASISES ABOUT THE BOSS AT WORK
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 12:05 PM by amj
Anon - YOU must be young b/c women do not hit their sexual peak until their late 30's, early 40's. I was with my fiancee for 10 years and I wanted more sex after 10 years than I did when we first got together. As a relationship grows and you learn more about one another, likes and dislikes, so too can your sexual relationship. The more mature you are, and the longer you are together, the more comfortable you are with one another and the more willing you are to try new things. Sexless marriages usually have nothing to do with sex itself, but a lack of something else in the marriage. When things like trust and respect are gone, so is the desire for sex.
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 12:30 PM by Carol
Anything that is an addiction is bad. Whether it's gardening or porn. An addiction is something that is all consuming, where the person ignores other important things and people in their lives, misses opportunities and so on. It's important to distinguish between a porn addiction and moderate porn viewing. Women are devouring porn en masse lately with the 50 Shades books. Just because women prefer words over images doesn't make it less pornographic. I'm a woman who read 50 Shades and couldn't finish it. I wasn't appalled, just bored. I like porn though-amateur porn in particular, because it shows every type of person as a sexual being, and it's not exploiting anyone. Porn stars years back always looked like ill drug addicts to me. Perfect (or fake) bodies, maybe, but also gross. Now the people are less perfect but more healthy looking both mentally and physically. Seeing others have sex turns me on, just like a romantic movie makes me swoon. Actually, pictures of naked women just sitting there would probably bother me more, because then it's really *about* the woman and not just liking to watch sex acts.  
 
As far as one of the posts that your partner likes things you are not. I can only speak for myself, and I'm a woman, but I have fantasies about threesomes with arrogant men who objectify me. In real life, that kind of man totally turns me off and I have a normal, loving sex life. For me, fantasy is totally different from the great sex life I have with my hubby and would never give up or trade in. Lots of women fantasize about gang rape but won't admit it. .... If it's making you feel THAT bad, you should leave, but it still might help you to know that it can have nothing to do with you and may not mean he's unhappy in any way with you.
Posted @ Sunday, March 31, 2013 12:42 PM by J
Anon, I have a lot of concerns regarding your post.  
 
First, of course women are “still fretting that they can’t live up to and compete with beautiful women in porn”. It’s not fun as a woman to watch your man’s eyes light up for other women. It doesn’t make you feel sexy or wanting to be intimate with him. Of course, it’s natural to be turned on by others but it’s also natural to be bothered by your partner purposely seeking out others to sexually pleasure themselves too. And unfortunately, now-a-days, men are doing that on such a bigger scale then when they were getting a magazine once a month or where forced to go down to a video store. Today, it’s available 24/7, and we are seeing how it’s affecting both male and female sexuality. Men are absolutely obsessed and consumed by pornography now-a-days. It’s kind of sad.  
 
And no, the “fake Hollywood look” is not just a small part of porn, even today. It’s still the majority. The most type of porn out there is centered around young, thin, busty, white women. Yes, other categories still exist but A) That doesn’t mean porn is now treating women with respect. B) That porn still isn’t placing unrealistic expectations on women regardless of that. C) That men still aren’t looking at thin, white, busty, young women as the epitome of female beauty.  
 
What I’ve noticed in my personal experiences with men today is that a lot of them are taking pages out of porn to act out in the bedroom. And these acts are usually more aggressive and invasive especially to the female partner. I see more men who are callous to women and don’t want to treat women like equal active partners in the sexual experience but more of his sex toy. I don’t think men are doing this because men are awful or anything like that. I think men are doing this because they spent way too much of their lives absorbing terrible sexual information about what sex should be like between a man and a woman.  
 
Porn has become increasingly hardcore, especially toward women specifically. Porn categorizes women largely, more than it does to men. It’s usually about the age of the woman, her breast size, her weight, her race. Porn doesn’t really like women too much. It just likes their bodies. It also is amazingly racist. But most men are okay with this because the reality is porn does not treat men the same way it treats women. Porn is largely made for men, by men to cater to male fantasy.  
 
I do agree with you that men like variety. But variety is really only healthy until a point. And what we have today with men and porn and the internet is not just about variety. It’s simply glutoneous. There was a time when straight up sex and a woman in underwear in the Sears catalog was exciting to men. Today, now he has to see women doing anal (usually in porn it’s not even done right!) and threesomes, foursomes and more? Something is wrong here. This isn’t just about wanting variety. There are many ways to get variety in your relationship that does not include looking at porn. The question is how engaged a man is to his partner...or how disengaged he is. And I see a lot of men that are completely disengaged and use porn as a crutch.
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 9:04 AM by Erin
I think porn that women think is disrespectful is for a reason. I read an interview with a porn producer once and he said they they make porn for two kinds of men, those lonely men who have difficulty finding a sexual partner or have tried and been rejected and married men who perceive themselves to be trapped in a sexually boring marriage. Both men like seeing the simulated hardcore porn acts where the woman seems to suffer because they are basically angry at women because they themselves are not sexually active. They also think to themselves that the porn actress is getting lots of sex and since they don't get any she should suffer for the fact that she gets to have sex so easily and so often. So basically there is a lot of anger fueled by sexual loneliness in most men who like rough porn. they like seeing these women suffer for the privilege of being able to enjoy so much sex.
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 9:41 AM by JamesC
87% of the commercial hetro porn is about degrading, demeaning, subjugating, submissive woman. i, too, have done research on porn and a couple of the creators state they have to continually escalate the degradation of women for hetro men so they can continue to get off and how the creators do not know how they can go further. we have gone so far in degrading and humiliating women so men can get off.  
 
i have listened to women that make porn, and they tell how painful it is. how they are raped. how they feed on drugs and booze to make it thru a shoot. they last about 3 yrs in the industry. flint himself told women to just not do it.  
 
i have listened to porn watchers and listen to the very young say how they cannot get it up for a real woman any longer. they can only get off with their porn. i am talking 18, 20, 24 yr olds. want a site of young men crying about their penis not working, i have it. they go to the doctor to see what is wrong. nothing. it is the porn use. how many of you men going on about your use, really do NEED that porn, cause you are useless otherwise. 
 
gang rape is the popular porn today. the other day i watched an 8 minute video on facebook of a girl kidnapped and raped by two men and another holding a camera. there was no reason to believe it was simulated rape. the end, the girl curls into a ball, a fetal position. the video was up for a month. it took two days of active campaigning to get the video off facebook. this is what men are jacking off to. 
 
slavery is higher today than any time in our history. many in slavery are women and children. the women and children (boys and girls) are used for porn. strip bars. prostitution. there are only so many companies that have the market on internet porn. these companies use these women and children, lock them up, take away their freedom, and force them to do things they do not want to do. this is what men are jacking off to. a victim, forced. in any internet porn you do not see what is happening behind the camera. 
 
this is who you are. 
 
stuebenville, connecticut, tx, calif, gang rapes by boys and men against 13 yr old girls. and the girls are blamed. the girls are threatened. society apologizes for the rapist. 
 
we are in a rape culture today. we make excuses for rapists.  
 
there are a lot of reason we should reject the porn. it is doing damage to our men and boys. to our girls and women. to our relationships. our children. our society.
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 10:03 AM by seabeyond
The reality of porn today is that all the indignation in the world will not change anything. Even if America turned into a police state theocracy who arrested the pron producers and shut down the porn business in the United States the flow of porn would continue unabated from other countries around the world. As another poster here put it "porn is here to stay" So, it is not the porn we need to deal with, there is no way to deal with it, but rather the effects of porn. Porn conditioning that causes young men to be unable to ejaculate or get and maintain and erection during partner sex should be publicized like an anti smoking or anti drunk driving campaign. It should be explained that masturbating to video porn is the most intense sexual experience there is and partner sex, at least in a serious long term relationship, seems like plain vanilla sex in comparison which causes lower than optimal levels of sexual desire when attempting sex with a real person and this in turn causes the sexual dysfunctions mentioned above. There should be some kind of widespread advertising blitz.... call it something like "GET REAL!" 
which explains that if you want to enjoy real life sex you have to get off the porn.
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 10:57 AM by Anon
I don't know where all this underground horrific porn is, but when I google, the porn I find is very equal opportunity, includes lots of women of all sizes, shapes and ages these days, lots of women, men and trannies. In fact, the penis is often the star of the show.There is a TON of bisexual, homosexual, transsexual and hetero porn out there that focuses very much on the men too.
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 11:17 AM by J
 
JamesC, I do believe alot of porn is disrespectful toward women because of this underlining hate that a lot of men seem to have for women. I do disagree that the only men who view porn are lonely men or men that have a hard time finding a sex partner. Today, I think men are spending ALOT of time looking at porn. Considering the availability of it. So it sounds liek the issue we have to address are the dark and raw and honest feelings men are feeling toward women that are being played out in porn. 
 
I don’t know about you but I am sick of living in a world where a woman needs to be punished for enjoying sex. And you have generations of young boys and girls growing up on this stuff. Young boys are learning that girls deserve to be punished for enjoying sex and it’s his job to get pleasure out of her punishment and unfortunately, young girls are learning they deserve to be punished for enjoying sex.
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 12:18 PM by Erin
I think men's anger has a lot to do with the fact women control sexual access. Sexually lonely men resent this especially those who have been sexually rejected by women and so have no choice but to masturbate to porn. As one said in another (Porn fan) website "I'll stop watching porn when a man can walk out his front door and get laid as easily as a woman can"
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 1:07 PM by JamesC
Jamesc. just another selfish, tired excuse. how often do you men consider the ugly or undesirable woman that is alone and sexless cause she is not wanted? never. it is always about the man that cant get a woman. generally, a man expects a woman that is way beyond him and there is not a chance in hell. 
 
entitlement. men are taught from little boys that they are entitled to sex. women are taught from little girls they are not entitled. so a woman that cannot find someone to have sex with, and yes there are plenty of lonely, undesirable women, accept it for the reality they live. and expect no more. 
 
a man, feels hate toward the woman, cause he is entitled to sex. society has told him forever. media assures him with all the teen boy movies of the geek getting the cheerleaders. 
 
men are no more sexual animals than women. they are no more entitled than women. they are as lonely as women. they want to connect as well as women. 
 
Posted @ Monday, April 01, 2013 1:16 PM by seabeyond
Anon wrote: "But today with hundreds of thousands of free porn videos available online men are looking at all kinds of women." 
 
As a woman, what hurts isn't what type of woman my husband's looking at. My trouble is, he isn't looking at me. 
 
He stopped watching porn a little more than a year ago, not because it was hurting me (even though he knew it was), but rather because his internet stopped working. His porn hurt me because he never asked if I wanted to watch it with him (I would have said yes - I would rather be included than excluded in his sexuality). It hurt because I had just given birth and wasn't looking like myself, though I lost my weight quickly and now weigh less than before I was pregnant. It hurt because I was giving him blowjobs the whole time, but he wasn't and still isn't returning the intimacy. It hurt because the porn girls and real girls - everyone from strangers to my own friends - were getting his attention, and yet he was turning me down for sex every night. Once every two weeks. Thirteen days of rejection, followed by him expecting a blow job from me (a good 15-20 minute one at that), then pumping for less than a minute, him finishing, and then going to sleep. I don't know if I got to enjoy a single orgasm with him during that time period, and I'm multi-orgasmic. 
 
He guilted me about being upset. So as a peace offering I bought him a Penthouse calendar. He kept it on his desk, rolled his joints on the frontpage model's face and naked body. He didn't even have a photo of me, his wife, on his desk. 
 
Imagination is one thing. Of course he's going to think about other girls. Of course he's going to imagine his exes - heck, he made it obvious that he had all his good times with them and now because we have our baby, sex doesn't matter so much anymore. But then he flaunted his attraction to porn women and other women in my face. It hurt because ...why wasn't he putting that same energy into being turned on by me. 
 
I fell out of love with him. So it doesn't hurt anymore. We still have sex. I give him his customary blowjob. I no longer ask him for cunnilingus, my favorite thing in sex, because he's already made it clear he refuses. He gets to pump and finish in me, and I'm left with pink balls (on the tip of orgasm, but he doesn't help me finish or last long enough). But that's ok, because he got his. Right? My libido's been higher than his since day one - so don't give me excuses about how women don't understand how high a male's sex drive is, I guarantee he doesn't understand mine - but it's finally going away, because I understand now that my needs don't matter. So why have any? 
 
He's never even called me sexy. 
 
I'd love to be looked at the way he looks at those other girls. I'd loved to have him stare at me with hunger. I'd love for him to rave about me the way he's raved about his exes. But he doesn't. I started watching porn a few months ago. The men last longer in porn than my husband. They have bigger dicks, and they touch the women more than my husband touches me. Not that I can ogle any other part of the man aside from their dicks - you see, unlike the women in the porn, they don't show the man's face or body. Just his penis. And his hands. Which more often than not sport wedding rings. Hmm. Someone's husband is making those porn videos and fucking those women. I feel sick for their wives. 
 
Today my computer stopped showing the porn videos. I don't know why. I feel sick. Is my sex life over? My vibrator will never feel as good as my husband's penis inside of me. But he doesn't use his penis to the fullest extent he could. Sucks, almost. But at least he's happy. My husband's happy. That's what matters, right?
Posted @ Tuesday, April 02, 2013 12:49 AM by S.B.
"I think men's anger has a lot to do with the fact women control sexual access. Sexually lonely men resent this especially those who have been sexually rejected by women and so have no choice but to masturbate to porn. As one said in another (Porn fan) website "I'll stop watching porn when a man can walk out his front door and get laid as easily as a woman can" " 
 
This quote says so much. Of course women control access to their bodies. It's outrageous to suggest that they should be punished for that by their man turning to porn. It is outrageous that men think they are entitled to a woman's sexuality. They are not entitled to anything. A woman's sexuality is hers and hers alone to give or not. 
 
I get that men like and want "variety" so why in the world do they bother getting married to one woman and more times than not, lie to her, telling her she's the "only one" while he's doing porn on the side.  
 
Why not just be honest, live with the variety that porn provides and not bother to hold a woman hijacked in a bogus "marriage"... 
 
Women, why are you hanging on to these bogus relationships, calling them "marriage"...and why let this situation destroy your sexuality. 
 
I don't think it's necessary to live in such damaging ways. If men want to watch violent, degrading porn...let them, but get yourselves to safety and live a beautiful life, untouched by porn.....
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 6:07 PM by Kat
Frustrating that no one will comment on women who enjoy porn, and that no one thinks men in porn are objectified. There is some reverse sexism here, where women using men, watching porn, having affairs is "liberation," whereas men doing it is sleeze. Women are fast approaching men in terms of their sexual freedom, porn use, affairs, number of sexual partners, etc. I'm a woman and I'm just intellectually interested in this discrepancy and wish those who are bashing men would respond to these elements. Caveat: I'm in a sex starved relationship right now, so I'm feeling sympathetic to men who are in the same situation, try to find solutions to their misery, and are labeled as degenerates for doing so. Of course, some men are NOT in that situation and still use porn... but there are many sweeping generalizations here, that's my issue. Obviously sleezoids DO exist, but they also exist in both genders.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 7:02 PM by
When we talk about sexually lonely men we are not talking about married men who have a sexual relationship with their wives yet want sexual variety too. Rather we are talking about men who, for a variety of reasons have difficulty or find it impossible to find women who will agree to have sex with them. These are the "hidden" men, voiceless really as you never see them posting on websites where porn, relationships and sex are discussed. But there are millions of these men out here in the world. It is their loneliness that fuels their anger which in turn fuels their preference for violent porn. This quote from porn producer/actor Bill Marigold explains what I mean: 
Men, say psychologists, also feel threatened by the ‘emotional power’ they perceive women wielding over them. Unable to feel alive except when in relationships with women, they are at the same time painfully aware that their only salvation from isolation comes in being sexually acceptable to women. This sense of neediness can provoke intense anger that, all too often, finds expression in porn. 
 
The porn industry, of course, dismisses such talk, yet occasionally comes a glimmer of authenticity. Bill Margold, left, one of the industry's longest-serving film performers, was interviewed in 1991 by psychoanalyst Robert Stoller for his book Porn: Myths For The Twentieth Century. Margold admitted: ‘My whole reason for being in this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don't care much for women and want to see the men in my industry getting even with the women they couldn't have when they were growing up. So we come on a woman's face or brutalise her sexually: we're getting even for lost dreams.’
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 10:21 PM by Anon
nah relax its just sex. catering for things you dont actually like. you think ppls obsession with horror movies means they would actually enjoy someones pain? eat ur popcorn n stfu
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 10:41 AM by any
It's "just sex for people who are getting to have sex regularly. But for those men who have not had skin to skin contact sex for years or even decades sex takes on a whole other meaning- lust wrapped up in anger, loneliness and a feeling of being disconnected from others. Porn gets feeds on these feelings and with the reinforcement of orgasm actually makes these lonely men suffer a little less, at least for awhile.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 11:18 AM by Jessie
" Unable to feel alive except when in relationships with women, they are at the same time painfully aware that their only salvation from isolation comes in being sexually acceptable to women. This sense of neediness can provoke intense anger that, all too often, finds expression in porn." 
 
So, the question is then why are these men "unable to feel alive except when in relationship with women"? What is it that leads them to feel so empty in their own lives and why would they blame women for that emptiness and then want to hurt women. It is not a new scenario in the world.  
 
I have been responding to the topic of the original articles and so have been addressing men, and many of the posts are from women in marriages so, obviously this situation is not limited to "single" men. It seems to be pervasive and all inclusive. It seems like many people...men, women, married and single are having a relationship with porn. Many people are lying and misleading their significant others about this fact.  
 
The shame seems to be crippling, because it leads people to lie about their own lives.  
 
I wonder what the world would be like if these men who are looking to women for their "feeling alive" could find another source (besides porn) and then begin to love women instead of hating them.  
 
Of course, all of this applies to women as well if they are hating men.....How can we love and celebrate one another better than we are? I'll be pondering that one today.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 12:01 PM by Kat
A LOT of women also cannot feel happy and complete without a relationship with a man. Tons. And when men reject them or disappoint them, they become man haters. You know the type. I hear a lot more degrading comments about men than I ever do about women. Again, it's "liberating" when women bash men but sexist pig when men bash women. Think about it. 
 
I'm a woman, and have been cheated on and disappointed in other ways in my life, but I've never turned to hating men and it really bothers me when women do that. But it's very similar to the reasons men do it to women... lonliness, past rejection, self protection...
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 12:14 PM by J
I hear you, J, there are a lot of man haters out there too. It's very sad to be disenfranchised from half of the human population.....very sad. I really don't see this as a man vs. woman thing....It's just that the original article is about why men view porn, so that is what most people are addressing. 
 
I see porn as an equal opportunity experience, and I think what makes me sad is the way it seems to divorce people from their own hearts and relationships. I love men very much, and I don't see them as being "pigs" anymore than I don't view women as "sluts" or "whores". To me we're just people, experiencing our sexuality in a great variety of ways. 
 
What does make me sad, though, is the way that people seem to be suffering with coming to terms with their sexuality in all the ways it is experienced.....There is no need to judge one another.  
 
It would be lovely if everyone could love themselves and their choices enough to stand in their sexual expression without shame and without lying to keep a counterfeit relationship going. 
 
A relationship is not a real or nurturing relationship if it can't handle the truth of both people. It is actually detrimental, in my opinion, to be relating based on a false persona rather than the truth.  
 
Porn users.....stand up and be in integrity with who you are. Those who don't want to participate with porn, stand with who you are. I know it's pie in the sky by and by, but I do wish we could stand in our own values and just care more for each other without having to agree....There's room for everyone at the table.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 4:32 PM by Kat
Well... when men (or women) see comments about how sick porn is, they obviously won't want to own up to anything. I WOULD mind if porn were made into a substitute for me, or if it were an addiction, but have no problem with my SO watching it a few times per month. I'd actually like him to watch it with me. We're working on that part, since his viewing is often spontaneous and short and I may not be around or available.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 4:41 PM by J
These men don't have any other "source" They have either tried and been rejected or have physical or psychological problems that make them unable to attract women who will agree to have sex with them. So there is no other thing they can turn to other than paid sex which itself causes rage against women for having to pay for sex. Porn and solo masturbation is all the sexual release they have. 
 
Married men and single men who have a choice and still come to prefer porn over partner sex are a whole different topic.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 5:21 PM by anon
It takes courage to stand in one's choices and values. Just because some people feel that porn is sick does not mean that the person who chooses to do it needs to hide who they are and what they value. 
 
When a person presents a false persona out of fear that another person won't like who they are and what they value, what they choose, that person loses all the way around, in my opinion. The person loses themselves.  
 
If a person doesn't like porn, it's not their job to hide that fact. Everyone needs to be honest and let the chips fall where they will. When people can be more honest, they can get paired up more appropriately. Porn lovers with porn lovers.....Porn haters with porn haters....Those who are neutral with those who are neutral...Live and let live.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 5:24 PM by Kat
Depends who you are talking about. Young single guys Ok sure they shouldn't worry about what people will think. They are horny all the time so of course watch porn recreationally. But the men who cannot find partners might be ashamed of that fact so won't talk about their porn use. But special online vitriol in the relationship and sexless marriage discussion groups is reserved for the married man. Whether he uses porn because his wife is refusing him sex or whether he is long married and has come to prefer the variety of porn to sex with his wife, few if any of these guys will ever speak about why they enjoy porn because people rain abuse down on them every time they post a message. Many would like to talk about their porn use but don't dare.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 5:36 PM by Anon
Any idea why these men only feel "alive when in relationship with women"? My point was that what is missing inside these men...what "source" can there be other than women. Wouldn't it be worth it for them to search for a truly fulfilling "source". How did these men come to feel so empty? and how did they come to identify women as the solution to this emptiness....Does anyone have any insight on this? I would suspect it's the same thing for many women....that there are as many women who only feel "alive" when in relaitonships with men and are angry and bitter when they can't connect with men. 
 
There must be a solution.....Is it God that they are seeking? Love? What is it that can really deliver 24/7/365....?
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 5:41 PM by Kat
You are talking about the Bill Marigold article quote above. I don't think it was well worded and I wouldn't take it too literally. The point trying to be made is that some men like rough porn because they see it as the porn actor getting revenge for every women whoever rejected them or, more likely, every woman they wanted to have but didn't, for whatever reason, have a hope in hell of having sex with. Add loneliness to the mix and many blame women in general for the fact that porn is the only available sexual outlet they have and the result is rage that is somewhat soothed by watching women sexually brutalized in porn movies.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 7:06 PM by Anon
Anon.....I hear you. I'm sorry that these men are so afraid of the backlash they may receive for standing in who they are as porn users that they feel that they have to hide and cannot stand and honor their own choices. I do think the world will be better the more that men can have the courage to stand honestly and openly in regards to this. I personally respect the men in my life who live honestly. It does seem to me younger men and women are more open about porn than the older generation and that is a good thing. 
 
Everyone has a relationship with porn...whether loving it, hating it or feeling neutral about it. I guess at this point, I feel neutral. It has no appeal to me, and I don't judge people who love it. I just wish people would own thier preferences and call if a day.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 7:37 PM by Kat
What you say makes sense....that the brutality in porn is a balance to the rage some men hold towards women. I have known quite a few men who are very open about their porn use, and now that I think of it, they did voice a lot of hatred and disdain for women. I didn't recognize it when I was around it, because I experienced a lot of brutality growing up, but looking back, I realize they were quite brutal men. I still trust openly brutal men much more than I do the ones who pretend and hide it. I can deal with overt brutality. I have a harder time with the covert porn user who relishes the brutality in porn.
Posted @ Friday, April 05, 2013 7:44 PM by Kat
The men I was talking about are not brutal in real life...far from it. Many actually fear women or feel extremely uncomfortable around them. They are angry yes but this anger is only given an outlet when watching violent porn. In real life many if not most would be considered shy loners.
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 10:00 AM by Anon
So they experience their brutality vicariously by watching women brutalized in porn....That makes sense and goes along with a passive way of life. It must be a vicious cycle....wow....This makes me feel sad.
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 10:47 AM by Kat
Had they been able to find a woman who would have a relationship with them this violent porn business would not be the case. It is hard for most people to imagine what 10, 20 or 30 years without partner sex can do to a person Instead, as Thoreau says "they lead lives of quiet desperation"
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 2:50 PM by anon
True enough what you say anon. but, the other side of the coin is women, too, live these lives yet we do not have the same empathy or thought or care that they too need to have access to violent porn to take out on the male gender. 
 
why is this only thought of as the woes of a man and his need. yet, we do not even consider, let alone talk about women that are in the same position? 
 
in today's society sexuality is ALL about the man. the man is the dominant one whose needs must be addressed, focused on and taken care of. women do not even have ownership of her sexuality but that it is there to appease and enhance mans life. 
 
that is what the issue is and why the porn for men is almost all subjugating women. men have so lost the definition to manhood or masculinity, that all of manhood is defined by their sexuality. thru self, media, society and peers being a man is his awesome 24/7 awe-inspiring sexuality. from the time boys are born to the viagra commercials of when they die. all of who a man is defined by his sexuality. 
 
a woman, not even having a sexuality (per society) is ignored, except to entertain men. 
 
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 2:59 PM by seabeyond
I hear you Anon....but I do wonder why men blame women for their inability to find a partner and then need to bruatlize women in the fantasy of porn in order to feel "better". Many, many women live alone for years, raising their children without a partner and do not resort to brutalizing men to feel better.  
 
Many women live without their sexual needs being met even in partnerships, especially partnerships where their partner is using porn and prostitutes and they do not resort to needing to fantsize about men being brutalized through porn. Why do these men need to blame women and hate on them so much. It's very, very sad for everyone, no doubt.
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 5:27 PM by Kat
I agree with both seabeyond and Kat. What about women's sexuality? I think there is this common myth that women have no sexuality or that they have less of one than men. We hear all this talk about men's libido. Well... why? Because it's socialized. Many women have high libidos and sexual needs and sexual frustration. But if a woman is too into sex, whether in a relationship or casually, she's considered a whore. Or if a woman is single, she's considered expendable or "well there must be something up with her that a guy doesn't want her". How about just plain unlucky in love, just like guys are? 
 
I think men and women have a lot more in common than gets acknowledged. Both want human companionship and both want sex. 
 
Another thought. We hear it said that married women want sex less than their husbands. In our case (and I'm sure many others) it's not true, my libido's still higher than my husband's... but it's lowering. Why? Because my husband is a selfish lover. Foreplay, intercourse, all of it is for him. He will not lift a finger or a tongue to turn me on, no matter how differently I ask, yet he expects me to do so for him each and every time, which I do. But is it any wonder that he orgasms and I don't? It's not because I can't; I'm multiorgasmic. Rather, it's that of the two of us, he's having sex for longer. I'm blowing him for ten minutes before the main event, which lasts two minutes tops. So... he gets 12 minutes of sex, and I get 2. Duhhh. Of course he finishes and I don't. I am neglected! And where do we get graphic encouragement that blowjobs (though not necessarily cunnilingus) are the norm? Or that all guys deserve and have sexual needs, though women maybe not so much? Porn, of course. Benefits guys, girls not so much. 
 
We need to treat each other more respectfully. Guys and girls alike, committed and single alike. If porn floats your boat, fine. But if you're in a relationship with someone who finds porn hurtful, think about what you're really choosing. Your porn or your partner's feelings. If you're using porn because you can't get what you want sexually from your partner, you're running away from the issue and creating a new one in addition to it. You're not helping. The real solution is to work it out in bed WITH your partner, not turn to another outlet. Or if you like porn just that much, then either be single or choose someone who likes or approves of porn just as much. But don't make someone else compromise their principles by being in a relationship with you AND your porn, especially if your solution is to hide the porn when you know it upsets them.
Posted @ Saturday, April 06, 2013 5:43 PM by S.B.
I'm tired of the myths that say that men want sex more than women. I believe that women experience sexuality in a very deep, multi-dimensional way. The problem with porn is it is a 2dimensional experience...it is limited. In the case of photograpshs, it's a freeze-framed dimension, devoid of all that makes up most women's sensual, multi-dimensional sexuality. A man functioning on this limited plane of sexuality cannot begin to comprehend or meet his woman in the wild, sexual world that she inhabits. A woman's sexuality is wild, untamed, undefined, fully dimensional to dimensions we have yet to even understand. Her sexuality calls human beings into existence and carries them in her body. It is sensual and wild, full of more than sights and sounds....I don't think that very many men know how to match this and meet it the way women long for. 
 
All these women who are not wanting sex is because they can't meet in the limited dimension that their porn filled men reside in. It's flat...it's cold...it does not turn her on. 
 
Now,many women are turned on by porn, but they bring much more to the table than that. If a man is limited to an image that his woman must fit into...a freeze framed, dead image...in order to get turned on...good luck with that. Women are wild, untamed and changeable...free flowing, living, breathing, panting, crying, singing, dancing and on and on and on...human beings...to be loved. A woman responds to life. 
 
I believe that many women are shut down, because they have not met a man that can go the distance into the wild places in which she moves and has her being. Women LOVE sex, but they don't love sex when it's forced into a limited dimension...a 2 dimensional, freeze-framed dimension which is dead on the page.... 
 
The other issue is the issue of voyeurism. I don't like porn, because I'm not a voyeur. I experience voyeurism as passive, not active. I'm not the least bit interested in watching other people have sex...one step removed from the experience...I'm just not. It's flat and cold...no life to it. I think that many women feel their sexuality is shut down in the process of "voyeurism"...looking in on other people having sex. It is a creepy experience for me...I've never been interested in that...The experience leaves me devoid of connection to the deepest wild parts of me...It's just empty and creepy...and I wonder if many women feel this way. 
 
I think it's obvious that many women don't like porn, but I think people are missing the point as to why they don't like it...It is sooooo devoid of the passionat sensuality the woman lives in. She has to take a step out of an incredibly rich, sensual world in order to step into the flat world of porn. It simply doesn't deliver, in my opinion.  
 
I live is a very rich, sensual world. I am not willing to leave it for one moment and certainly not to go to something so empty as porn. 
 
These are just some thoughts....more in a bit.
Posted @ Sunday, April 07, 2013 6:14 PM by Kat
Women don't like porn simply because it reduces the sexual power they have over men. With an endless supply of free, high quality internet porn piped right into their homes men now have a second sexual option. It is one that many, many men take advantage of especially those in long term marriages who make up the majority of heavy porn users.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 10, 2013 7:38 PM by Eric
I think there are alot of reasons many women don't like porn. More and more women do like porn. The ones who don't are either suffering or choosing to be single. It's a whole new type of relationship that is being formed now. Marriage is taking on a whole new dimension. I believe that things are rapidly shifting and will never go back to where they were.  
 
I happen to think this is a very good thing, because what was happening before was a lot of lies and deceit. Now, the genie is out of the bottle. Many men are partnered now with porn. It seems that porn delivers in a way that is very appealing and fulfilling to many people. I think the most important thing is for people to just be honest. The current generation of young people who are marrying now have porn on the table in that marriage...It's a new definition of marriage. I see it as "open" marriage... I just hope more men and women can be honest and straight up about it. 
 
Porn is here to stay. Many men including porn in their sexual repertoire is here to stay. "Sexual fidelity" in marriage now includes porn and more. It's a whole new ballgame. It is what it is.  
 
I think anyone who pretends that porn is not on the table in most sexual relationships is living in a very naive place. Sure, there may be that very rare couple where it's not, but I think in the great majority it's just in the mix now...Some people will choose to stay single so as not to deal with it, but the rest have to come to terms with a new definition of marriage and what constitutes sexual "fidelity".  
 
Posted @ Wednesday, April 10, 2013 8:45 PM by Kat
One big problem with your statement is that most men do NOT want to watch porn with their wives. The whole point of watching porn is to lose yourself in the fantasy. If your wife or girlfriens is there with you it is just a disraction wgich takes away from the intense experience of masturbating alone to porn. Sure some couples use porn to create a spark where none exists anymore but that usually doesn't last long and the man is soon back to masturbating alone. The biggest draw of porn is the fantasy and that can really only be fully experienced while watching alone.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 10, 2013 9:19 PM by JamesC
What you said, JamesC. Part of the thrill behind the porn is the secrecy - for some people. There are some folks where both couples are on the same page - they're honest, and they either watch together or alone. I think the majority of folks who are unhappy about porn are unhappy because their partner has excluded and replaced them from and with this secret life. Sexuality can be a very private thing. Maybe there's a fine line with porn... 
 
Unless you're doing live chats, porn doesn't involve directly communicating with the people in the fantasy. However, porn does involve real videos of real people, rather than simply your imagination. You're not just imagining some hot other woman who isn't your wife in your head, you're actually seeing one. So where's the line? Is it private because it's masturbation? Is it secret because it involves actually looking at the naked body of a real woman who isn't your wife? No wonder this is a sensitive subject for so many people. 
 
Communication and respect are important. There are plenty of people - both men and women - in the world who ARE comfortable with porn. Seems like they should find each other. If nothing else, their compatibility in bed might be better. 
 
If a man prefers his porn to his wife, even if the wife has a high libido, would he be upset if she stopped offering herself to him? Or would he not even notice?
Posted @ Wednesday, April 10, 2013 9:48 PM by S.B.
James C....I think you articulate so clearly what many men are not willing to say, and that is that their wives are merely a distraction from their porn. First, they do not want to share this world.....Second, their wives come in between them and their first love....porn. I'm glad you so honestly articulate this. I love honesty, and you say it just how it is....thank you.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 12:02 AM by Kat
SB...you made the point I was thinking of tonight. Would a man notice or even care if his wife was there?..Does whe matter...at all? I suspect that the answer is not.....and that solidifies my idea that marriage is going to be about "friendship" in the future and not about "sex"...and I don't think this is such a bad thing, really. 
 
I was going to ask a question of them men tonight, but I think I already got the answer. the question is......Is there any sense of loss in replacing your partner with porn or is it all "gain"...your partner plus more....Is there any sense of loss in losing the "exclusivity" of one partner or is it all gain for men. Do men value "exclusivity" at all or is having all women the name of the game?
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 12:13 AM by Kat
Many men do prefer porn to having sex with their wives and would never think of sharing the experience. And in some cases the couple stopped having sex months or even years before. Sometimes they stop having sex because the man prefers porn and sometimes he comes to prefer porn because he no longer has sex with his wife. Many older couples stop having sex in their late 40's and 50's so men having porn to turn to is a godsend to them. In some cases porn keeps the sexless marriage together because the man uses porn instead of going out looking for affairs or prostitutes. I myself haven't had sex with my wife for over 19 years but we stay married because I have the porn and don't feel the need to go searching for sex outside the home.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 12:18 AM by JamesC
Anon who posted on April 3, 2013 10:21 PM said: 
“Bill Margold, left, one of the industry's longest-serving film performers, was interviewed in 1991 by psychoanalyst Robert Stoller for his book Porn: Myths For The Twentieth Century. Margold admitted: ‘My whole reason for being in this industry is to satisfy the desire of the men in the world who basically don't care much for women and want to see the men in my industry getting even with the women they couldn't have when they were growing up. So we come on a woman's face or brutalise her sexually: we're getting even for lost dreams.’” 
 
Yeah, this is really sad but so true. It even appears to be common place to smack a woman’s face or choke her. In today’s porn ejaculating on her face isn’t even seen as a big deal! 
 
I’ve had boyfriends just do things to me without asking if it was okay to do that left me saying “WTF, was that suppose to feel good?” I am really fearful for all the boys and girls growing up believing that sex is about smacking women around, choking them and ejaculating on their faces. Because if there are 35+ year old men that believe it is (and there are), I can only imagine the amount of youths this has been normalized for as well. 
 
Kat, you mad a SUPER post on April 5, 2013 12:01 PM. THANK YOU. 
 
Posted@ Wednesday, April 10, 2013 7:38: 
Eric, doesn’t sound like much of an advantage. What man actually said at the end of his life that he wished he looked at more porn?  
 
JamesC, why keep up the facade of a marriage that is only stable on the outside? (Obviously not on the inside). Have you ever tried to approach this subject with your wife? Does she know you view porn? And what kind of porn do you usually look at? How old are the women in it?  
 
Honestly, I rather a man tell me that I wasn’t meeting his needs and go from there then to be in your situation.  
 
I really feel sad about this whole topic all in all. Ultimately, it doesn’t seem like anyone is really that happy.  
 
How many men at the end of the day what to really say, “Well, at least I got to look at a lot of porn.” Is that what it’s come to????? Goodness.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 2:47 AM by Erin
"JamesC, why keep up the facade of a marriage that is only stable on the outside? (Obviously not on the inside). Have you ever tried to approach this subject with your wife? Does she know you view porn? And what kind of porn do you usually look at? How old are the women in it?" 
 
no way would i stay if the marriage wasn't fine in every other way. Plus we have too kids still living at home. I just think that breaking up a perfectly happy family so I can go out and get some real person sex is ridiculous. I don't have any need for a relationship, just sex. So why bother with affairs? Porn is simple....sit down, watch it, get off and carry on with your day. Takes all of 5 or 10 minutes. The qay i look at it is I dated for 15 years before I got married, never fell in love with any of the dozens of woman I had short term relationships and really wasn't all that interested in carrying on a relationship anyway. I had a wonderful career I had worked very hard on and that makes me very happy and artisically satisfied. S I finally married at 40 in order to have kids. We tried sex therapy for years and years but nothing could be done. I simply had no sexual desire for my wife although we were and are good buddies. Not every marriage is a fairly tale. I won't lie if I could go out and have sex with women like I did when I was single...short term deals I would. But the risk to my marriage is to great and I don't want to not live under the same roof as my kids. I be devastated if my wife took them to live somewhere else just because I felt the need to skin to skin sex. Having porn as my only sexual outlet is a small price to pay yo keep the family intact.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 7:36 AM by
you reinforce the point that men that use porn can no longer get off with real women, even though few men will actually be honest when talking about their love for porn. it generally comes out at some point. 
 
no, not all men use porn kat and more of the younger kids are looking at the adults and seeing the problems. kinda like james. and they want more out of marriage. they do not want to be making these errors in choices that will direct their life in the direction you are suggesting will be in the future. 
 
i do appreciate james story. it had me thinking about priorities in life. and i do get what he is saying. if the wife is good with it, and she probably has a handy v to take care of herself, then they are creating a life comfortable for their unit to live. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 7:44 AM by seabeyond
Oh there were tears at the beginning of the marriage when we first stopped having sex. So she wasn't "good" with it and really, truth be told, she still isn't but she accepts it now all these years later. She has one of those Hitachi Magic Wand things and that takes care of her needs. She could have left any time if she really hated the situation but didn't and she lives a very comfortable life.  
 
I never watched porn until after I got into my sexless marriage. I didn't need to because if I wanted sex I simply went out and got it.  
 
We both thought therapy could fix the situation but instead we wasted thousands of dollars. One thing the failure of the therapy did was to make it crystal clear there would never be any sex between us so she had a choice to make all those many years ago and she chose to stay on and learn to live without marital sex which I think she has done. We haven't talked about the lack of sex in the marriage for about 15 years.  
 
Don't forget we both have normal sex drives but are BOTH sexless so we both suffer in this situation. I talked about an open marriage with year in the first year we were together but she would have none of it. So, I can't have the type of sex I enjoy and she can't have sex within the marriage. Like I said not every marriage is a fairly tale...everyone suffers.  
 
People can and do make do with the hand they were dealt in life. Our two kids are what makes the marriage happy. In the end my choice was... have lots of sex as a single guy or be part of a family and give up sex altogether.  
 
At 40 the choice seemed to make sense. At 60, looking at my two great kids I don't regret it but yes I do think about having skin to skin sex with somebody all the time but I just can't take that chance, my wife would throw me out on the street and take the kids in a New York minute.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 8:05 AM by JamesC
James, did your wife know that you only married her because you wanted kids and you were good buddies? Did you engage in sex before you got married at all? The fact that you sought help for the issue makes me believe that this was obviously a point of contention for your wife. Is she happy without getting sex? Does she know about your porn use? How old are you and how old are the women you look at in porn?  
 
Maybe your family is physically intact, but emotionally, I just don’t know. I don’t think kids are dumb. I especially thing kids pick up on how their parents get the older they get. They will see if their parents are emotionally and physically close or not.  
 
I also wonder at dating 15 years and only having short term relationships and never finding one woman to love in all that time. I don’t know what to make of it. Everyone is different but it sounds like you have some kind of emotional block when it comes to real women.  
 
Your post leaves me thinking men like porn and other women better then the woman they have at home. There seems to be very little respect for women in the world. And unless you look like a Playmate, a man can't get turned on by you. To me, this just isn't healthy. But this is the world men largely want to live in.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 9:12 AM by Erin
JamesC, if you don't mind me asking... This sounds like a curious situation between you and your wife. You have porn, and she her magic wand... but no sex within the marriage, even after sex therapy. If I can ask, what is it that stands in the way of you two having sex with each other? If you're both physically willing and both have libido, then why can't you two have sex?
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 11:50 AM by S.B.
hmmmmmm. Well I don't want to hijack Mr Smith's thread here. It's kind of a long story. But maybe it can be informative as many people do have a less severe form of what I suffer from. I've never actually written it out before but I'll take a crack at it. 
 
Ever since I started dating as a teen and having sex I noticed that after about 4 to 6 sexual encounters with the same woman I would suddenly loose all my sexual desire, usually right in the middle of intercourse. One moment I'd be happily going at it then suddenly, like someone turning off a switch, I would lose my erection, desire and the only thing I would want to do is get dressed and get away from the person. 
 
As you can well imagine I left many very puzzled and perplexed young ladies wondering what the hell just happened. 
 
I didn't know myself. I had no preexisting anxiety no un-erotic thoughts, quite the opposite, I was having a wonderful time. I'd suddenly start feeling uneasy and my body would just shut down. If I tried to carry on it made the situation worse because that meant repeated failures and A LOT of embarrassing questions, questions I couldn't answer from my sexual partner. So after the first few times it happened in my late teens I got so I new just to stop, get dresses, make up some lame excuse and get out fast. 
 
This went on for the next 20 odd years. these were the days when people still wrote letters to each other and I have a big stack of them in my filing Cabinet from women who said they loved me or at least really like me a lot and begging me to tell them what THEY had done wrong. I was pretty good looking back in the day so I had lots of sexual encounters. I sometimes joke to myself that I had more sex before age 40 than most men have in three lifetimes. 
 
As it turned out this kind of serial sexing is a classic symptom of the problem that was causing my problem with relationships. 
 
But before I did find out what it was for years I told myself that I was simply easily bored sexually and when I would get bored, even if I didn't really think I was, my brain knew and the sudden sexual dysfunction was my brain-body telling be to go find someone new. And that's what I did. 
 
Like I said in my other post I didn't really have any great wish to be in a serious long term relationship anyway so this situation didn't really bother me all that much. 
 
Again, as I said before this changed when I met my future wife. I was never in love with her (I had never been in love with anyone) but we had a lot in common including the same career aspirations. The same sexual pattern happened with her. Actually it happened faster with her than any other woman I had been with. I lost my erection with her the first time we had sex. But I knew I probably wouldn't find anyone better than her and, at age 40, I wanted children so I tried working around it. Luckily she traveled a lot on business and so we didn't have sex all that much in the months before we married and when we did I faked orgasms as soon as I felt my penis going soft. Luckily the birth control pill made her sick so we used condoms so it was easy to fake it jumping out of bed and flushing the condom before she could see it. 
 
As the wedding day approached I began to have trouble with my erections not just during intercourse but before. Remember this was before Viagra was invented. And it became difficult to hide my dysfunction. So one day she asked me about it and we talked. 
 
There wasn't much I could tell her. To say what I believed the problem was, sexual boredom would be unkind. So I just said I didn't know. So she asked me if I thought therapy might help. I said yes maybe and with that she said "great we will both go to therapy after the wedding" and we did---for 5 years.  
 
Actually she lasted 1 year in therapy and it was a terrible experience for her. They kept trying to treat the erection problems by giving all these "homework" exercises to do which my wife found frustrating and demeaning. It was hard for me too because I had to lie there while she tried to get me erect and nothing she tried worked. We both felt just awful. 
 
It wasn't until almost 12 years later that I finally discovered what the problem was. None of the so-called sex therapists figured it out and it was a psychiatrist who I went to on my own as a last ditch effort who told me his theory. 
 
My parents were violent alcoholics who basically hated each other. My mother stayed in the marriage because she couldn't afford not to, not with three mouths to feed. As it was my father had trouble holding a job I was heavily abused psychologically and beaten regularly. AS a child I equated "love" as here one day gone the next I equated marital relationships as screaming, yelling, anxiety, fear and physical violence. I had what they call an "Attachment Disorder" the inability to bond with another.  
 
As I grew older drawing close to someone would cause this "Attachment Disorder" to manifest itself as subconscious anxiety which in turn would flood my body with the hormones Cortisol and Adrenaline with have the side effect of immediate killing libido. It's mother nature's way of making sure that a caveman blissfully fuc*ing his mate would be sure to stop and run when approached by a wild animal that wanted him for breakfast. Hence my description of the loss of sexual desire as being like someone suddenly turning off a switch. And because these intimacy alarm bells would only go off on a subconscious level, perceiving "danger" where none existed, I was never consciously aware of anything but how good the sex felt.It never effected my need for sex or my enjoyment at "the chase" part of the relationship which I was pretty good at...a very charming fellow you might say. 
 
Sadly, once it was finally diagnosed, despite more therapy, the situation could not be fixed. "Burned into the psyche too deep" said the shrink.  
 
Even trying non penetrative sex made me feel terrible, like I was being marched to the gallows. Plus after a number of years my wife didn't want to try anymore. You can't blame her we spent years trying and every time we did she would end up in tears. 
 
Interestingly I had three brief affairs with women I met online in the 10th, 12th and 13th year of marriage and exactly the same thing happened. Great sex to begin with then a sudden lose of sexual interest. Although, with these woman I found I could go much longer... months instead of weeks before the sexual dysfunctions would start. The shrink said it was probably because I didn't really care about these woman it was just sex. He explained that I could function sexually just fine if I could control the level of emotional intimacy. So affairs and even more so one night stands or paid sex meant in some cases I didn't have the problem at all. I dated a prostitute off and on for almost two years in my 20's and it was far and away the best sex I ever had with not one bit of erectile or other sexual difficulty. 
 
This is why I say that when I look back now I needed up with a choice of either being married and having a family but not having any sex (if 
I decided not to look for sex outside the marriage) and having all the sex I wanted in arm's length relationships but living alone and lonely. 
 
So it wasn't boredom after all it was subconscious intimacy anxiety. It is quite common in people who have the same family backgrounds as me although my case is more severe than others due to the severity of the abuse I suffered. 
 
So no more affairs, I want to concentrate on family life and my career so porn is my quick and easy way to take care of a very healthy sex drive which in a way I had hoped would start to fizzle in my 50's but there has been no change at all since I first got married....still need to take care of myself at least once a day. 
 
OK so there you have it. Porn's been good to me. I haven't had sex with any woman for more than 10 years now. It isn't easy as I said you just have to learn to play with the cards life deals you. One thing though, I probably would have left the marriage long ago if it hadn't been for porn.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 1:04 PM by JamesC
JamesC, thank you for sharing your story in its thoroughness. I'm going to let it sink in for a while because there are so many things. 
 
I have a couple of questions, if I can ask. Does your wife know about your affairs? Does she know that you have never been in love with her? Does and did she miss sex with you when it stopped? If she knows all of these things, does she agree that she would rather keep things the way they are in your marriage, or would she rather either try something new with you or would rather leave the marriage for both of you to be free? What does she value about your marriage? What are her highest values in general within relationships, and what are yours?
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 1:21 PM by S.B.
Those are really hard questions. I can really only guess at the answers. Yes she caught me in one affair but she thinks it was a one time only thing. She was pissed but forgave me. This is a long time ago now. 
 
Yes I think she understands that I have a difficult time loving anyone not just her. 
 
She grew up in a poor family like i did. I have had a very sucessful career financially and she has everything she didn't have as a kid. So I think that is one big reason she stays. that and the kids. 
 
I really don't know the answers to your last two questions.
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 1:35 PM by JamesC
I hate how everyone assumes porn users waste 5-10 minutes of their time using that shit. Uh no try hours and hours of a wasted life. 
try a porn addict so deep in his fog he leaves the porn window open on the computer for his young child to find. 
try the wife who has had it, and would rather die than continue another day married and trapped to an addict. 
soon i will be dead - but first i'm going to make sure all my husband's friends and families know the truth about him. what a pervert jerking off teens all day. 
he ruined my life, and i will ruin his - i don't care about my life anymore. a decade with a porn addict will do that. i can't wait to die. i can't wait to be out of this world. but im bringing the fucker down with me. 
 
if you prefer your porn stars, if you prefer sex with your hand over a real woman, then LEAVE THEM ALONE. RUIN YOUR OWN LIFE. NOT OTHER PEOPLES. 
 
I HOPE ALL PORN ADDICTS ROT IN HELL BEING SODOMIZED DAILY
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 8:17 PM by Mrs Porn Addict
Mrs. Porn Addict. I'm so sorry for your pain, and yes, being linked to a person who is addicted to this darkness will destroy your life. I hope you can get to safety before his porn use ruins your life anymore. I hope you can find help to get safety for you and your child. I'm sorry it has come to this for you... 
 
Please disengage from him. The rage and hatred will destroy you and your child. You deserve to live and have a beautiful life with your child, but linked to this man, you will be destroyed....He's addicted to porn, and as long as you are linked to him, you are destroyed.. 
 
Whether or not he can disengage from porn, you need to disengage from him for your own sake and the life of your child. Be strong. There are supports out there for you.
Posted @ Friday, April 12, 2013 12:25 PM by Kat
Mrs. Porn, You're understandably very hurt and angry. If your references to dying mean hurting yourself, please contact one of the crisis/suicide hotlines available 24/7 and talk to someone first; just Google for the nearest one to you. You need to talk to a professional counselor to learn how to keep this pain from destroying you. If I can be of help, please contact me, -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, April 13, 2013 11:45 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Thank you Kat for your kind words. 
 
I have already been on the psych ward twice during my marriage. I honestly cannot believe i'm still around. I was fine before he came along and ruined my life.
Posted @ Monday, April 15, 2013 4:33 PM by Mrs Porn Addict
You are welcome. I do believe you can find a beautiful life once again...with help and support, one step at a time towards beauty, gentleness and the things you loved as a child. I believe this with all of my heart....You are cared for. Be encouraged. I'm glad you're still here...Life is beautiful. You can get to safety...
Posted @ Monday, April 15, 2013 11:04 PM by Kat
I've been in a relationship for 6 years where internet porn has been an issue. He denies it, I find it many times over. We have absolutely no sex life or intimate life. He is has performance issues due to health and drugs. It has caused a huge trust barrier in our relationship. Just this past Monday we had a intense conversation about the trust problem in our relationship. I left for a business trip after our conversation. When I returned I found that he had visited porn sites while I was away. Usually he deletes his activity but this time I saw it before he could. 
 
I feel emotionally abused and neglected by this behavior. We've been to a counselor but when the counselor focused on his issues he quit going. 
 
We are great friends in other ways and he is a part of my family. But, I feel that I am loosing the best years off my life. What do I do?
Posted @ Wednesday, May 01, 2013 9:17 AM by Sophia
It seems that you have a few choices on the table. Your husband likes porn as many men do. You can live with him as a friend "without benefits", or you can leave and live alone and still maintain a friendship with him, or you can leave and trash the whole relationship, find another man who will do the same thing but at least be able to have "benefits" for awhile perhaps. The emotional abuse and neglect really comes from believing his lies over your own truth. You know the truth of the matter. He does porn. Your job is to sort out how you go forward, knowing this about him. To pressure him to change does not seem to be doing anything for either one of you or the relationship. Can you come to a place of acceptance? That's where I found peace.
Posted @ Thursday, May 02, 2013 2:30 PM by Kat
Sophia, I feel the same way, I have wasted the best years of my life. i know what you mean about performance issues. they can't get it up without viagra. Porn addicts do emotionally abuse their 'loved' ones. Anything for the next fix of tits and ass. it's true. All men are like this. Just some don't porn as much as others. but they are all horrible creatures. when i was young i was a prostitute so i know exactly how horrible men are.  
Good advice Kat. I have proposed we live as roommates. I think this is the best option for those of us who have ruined our lives with porn addicts and cannot escape except through death. My husband doesn't like that idea. He pressures for sex, I give in and feel all gross. I get guilt trips if we haven't had sex in awhile. He treats me like a porn image. Porn addicts have no respect for women, they are just pieces of meat. Although porn addicts seem to prefer pictures of pieces of meat rather than the real thing. 
 
just ranting here. i hate porn addicts. i hate my husband. if i had the nerve, and a gun, i'd kill him. or myself.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 1:21 PM by Mrs Porn Addict
So many heavy porn users can no longer be aroused by anything else especially if they are in a long term marriage. This is what causes the erectile and ejaculation problems....lack of desire. And since Viagra and the other similar medications do not work in the absence of desire there must still be some desire for you on your husband's part. It is highly unusual for a heavy porn use who is married to want sex with his wife. Most come to prefer porn and masturbation as their only sexual outlet.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 2:14 PM by Anon
Only 43% of middle aged and older men say they use porn occassionally or regularly. No. Not all men use porn. Not all men reduce women to body parts. We are living in a society that is working hard to create ALL men in this manner. There is a reason. But, it is not a reality. A lot of men have no interest in using women in this manner.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 2:23 PM by seabeyond
I believe that stat is for married men....not all men. 
 
It breaks down this way: 
-50% of all marriages fail. 
-20% of those that survive are sexless and almost 100% of those husbands use porn 
-of the remaining 30% of non sexless marriage 20% of the husbands use porn. 
This backs up your 43% number although it is for husbands of all age groups not just middle age.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 3:48 PM by Elco
the studies i saw did not break it down to married men. merely, mature men, lol, that grew up.  
 
addressing the 0% divorce rate. not true, if the statistics are broken down. first marriage divorce is at 41%. second marriage divorce escalates to 67%. and third marriages a whopping 73%. hence, how they are able to say all marriages have over a 50% chance of divorce. 
 
break the number up a little more, then first marriage divorce with two college educated partners has dropped from 15% to 11% chance of divorce. of course the highest rate of divorce is young and uneducated. 78%.  
 
again, another recognition of why the number of divorce for a first marriage is so high.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 3:54 PM by seabeyond
Porn use among men generally rises and falls depending on age and marital status. 
 
80% of young men 15 to 21 use online porn. This dips from 43% to 51% (depending on who's stats you are quoting)for men is their 20's. It is thought this sip is caused by the sudden easy availability of willing female partners for men in the 20-31 year age range. For men in their 30's, depending on marital status the porn use is about 49%. Once men reach their 40's and 50's the number again spikes in the low 70% range for marriaed men and interestingling it dips dramatically for single men esepcially those over age 50 with then numbers going down to around 40% an astounding 30% less porn use than thier married cohorts. Researchers believe this is because with the high divorce rate women in their 40's and 50's again become available for sex with the single male cohort. This changes again for single men in their 60 who are sexually healthy only 30% of them use porn and again it is believe that because available females far outnumber males for people in their 60's and 70's sexual availability is highest at this age than any other time in his lifetime so those men who have a healthy sex drive take advantage of this fact rather than using porn and masturbating.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 4:03 PM by Elco
I am addicted to porn. I am also addicted to visiting adult chatrooms or webcam chat websites. I have been married for 10 years and this addiction started before I was married. The early years of my marriage I was still interested in having sex with my wife, even though I was using porn on the side. The last few years my addiction has caused me to lose all interest in having sex with my wife. My wife does not know I have this addiction, but she does notice our lack of intimacy. She mentions it on occasion but does not push it too much. But I realize what I am doing is really damaging our relationship. I keep thinking to myself that we are fine now, so I will eventually stop and we will get back to normal. But that eventually keeps moving further and further out. Our lack of intimacy brought on by my behavior has even left me with a lonely feeling, and I sometimes find another woman on the internet that I begin to have feelings for. So I know that internet porn addiction is not just a way men get excited sexually. It can lead to all kinds of bad behaviors and feelings. I realize in my mind that this behavior is horrible, and despicable, and cheating. I want to stop and just make my marriage work the way it should. Even though I have deceived my wife and deprived her of what she deserves in this relationship, I want to fix myself and give her what she deserves. I just don't know how to. I don't know how to stop it. Life is short, the years go by, but this addiction is so strong I can see it destroying an entire life. I'm too afraid to seek help, I don't know what will happen. I know I have to pull it together, it's the only way.
Posted @ Saturday, May 04, 2013 10:38 PM by Chris
It's hard for any man to maintain sexual; interest in a wife after a decades or more of marriage. Men natural like sexual variety and porn caters to this. Without porn men would have few choices sexually- either have sex with his wife or masturbate using fantasy in his mind without any visual stimulation. Perhaps it is easier for some men to have continued sexual desire for a partner for years and years than it is for others. Marriage locks us into a situation that goes against the sexual desires of many and masturbation and porn use is the result. If marriages were more open sexually porn use would drop dramatically way because most men, with the exception of men who have psychological difficulties performing sexually in intimate relationships, would choose a real live (new) sexual partner over porn given the chance. It is the cultures with the lowest set of taboos against adultery that also have the lowest numbers of married male porn users.
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 7:38 AM by Tom
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. I admire the honesty with which you share. The difference between me and your wife is...I know. I've discovered through the crumbs left behind. I am not married to my partner so I'm unsure how accepting I'm going to be. Anyway, I'm writing to tell you that I hope you can find help. Have you watched the movie Fire Proof? I can tell you from the female side of the story.....the relationship will erode until there is nothing left. My partner too finds himself lonely and seeking out internet relationships in addition to the porn and sometimes even innocent lunch meetings. Sophia
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 10:20 AM by Sophia
 
So Tom, to combat the issue of porn, more men should be free to sleep with different women? Gosh, I’m not really sure what that exactly solves. Why get married at all if that’s the way you want to live your life? 
 
I do not agree with you that it’s hard to maintain sexual interested after being married for a long time. At least, not the same way you do. I do think it requires work and exploring new things together. However, it doesn’t require new partners. The problem is that people somehow get the idea that sexuality should not grow and develop as we grow and develop through the years. But ideally, our sexuality should grown and develop with the rest of us. If a man or woman is still having sex the same exact way that they had it in college, and still look at sex the same exact way as they did in college, I think that’s a problem. You can find a lot of variety in sex that doesn’t requires a variety in partners. But it does requires exploration and a partnership with your partner. Unfortunetly, sometimes people don’t really want that partnership or to do that level of work because they are more interested in taking the easy way out (such as indulging new partners which is always going to be easier for obvious reasons.) I’m not interested in being with men that like to take the easy way out of life or in sex. I think you will find most women aren’t either. 
 
If you want various partners, don’t get married. That’s fine. But I don’t think it’s healthy to maintain the idea that sexual interest can’t be maintained unless a man is banging new women.
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 10:36 AM by Erin
"It's hard for any man to maintain sexual; interest in a wife after a decades or more of marriage. Men natural like sexual variety and porn caters to this. Without porn men would have few choices sexually- either have sex with his wife or masturbate using fantasy in his mind without any visual stimulation." 
 
There is another choice. Leave his wife instead of insulting her, reminding her how boring and tiresome she is everytime he does porn. 
 
Women in these relationships, have some self-respect and get out. Living with a man who sees you as sexually boring and useless is extremely damaging to your sexuality. I've lived it. My husband had the courage to be honest and leave for what he needed without insulting me beyond repair. I know I'm not the bore he saw me as. I have managed to heal the damage that living with his inability to see me as beautiful and sexy did to me. Fortunately, I got out before irreparable damage was done to me. I no longer take any of it personally. I know he had limitations, but those were his to own. Just because he could not see me as beautiful and sexy does not mean that I'm not that. I know I am and the right man for me will agree with me :) It's all good in the end.
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 9:25 PM by Kat
I agree that marriage as a lockdown relationship is extremely damaging. I wonder why so many men who want variety choose to live a lie and marry the way they do. I continue to hope that more men will be honest in this regard and spare themselves and their deceived partners a lot of pain. If you want a variety of partners then simply don't get married and pretend that you are choosing one woman when you really aren't. Just be honest.
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 9:52 PM by kat
A lot of women just stay put because of kids or financial considerations. Also in these sexless marriages the couple often gets along fine. In fact a man who has come to prefer porn and masturbation to sex with his wife will often work doubly hard to be the best husband he can outside the bedroom. Connect all these things together and it is very hard for some women to leave. And then, once the kids are grown and gone many women in sexless marriages become afraid of being along in their senior years and so stay put in the marriage. Many feel that a good marriage without sex is better than not being married and trying to have an active sex life in your 50's and 60's. Most sexless marriages, whatever the cause, do stay together until one spouse dies. It is only in marriages where the lack of sex is a symptom of various deep interpersonal problems do you find women leaving, willing to break up the family and having to live with a dramatically lowered standard of living.
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 10:20 PM by Karly
Good post, Karly. I can see that the financial benefits and the friendship may very well be worth staying in a sexless marriage as long as the woman can maintain her sense of joy in life in a sexless marriage. I think it really does come down to what one values the most. I do think friendship is very, very important and perhaps that is enough in the end.
Posted @ Sunday, May 05, 2013 10:58 PM by Kat
I always find it interesting when men make excuses about needing sexual variety and that is why they do it. And you think women don't by nature want variety also? Men and women both, by nature, want variet that is why we all like to at least "look" at others even if we are in a happy marriage. Of course, every person is an individual and have different levels of sexual desire. Don't fool yourselves to think it is just men that are interested in others! Our society just teaches that women shouldn't want sex and don't enjoy it, although that is starting to change. My husband and I both look at porn, sometimes together, sometimes separate, but we both agree that their is a limit and fine line between having it become a problem.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 9:47 AM by Tanya Baetje
As long as it is so much harder for a man to walk out his front door and get laid than it is for a woman I'll stick with porn variety as opposed to real life variety, it is much easier and the orgasms are far better.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 10:01 AM by anon
Anon, but see at least you KNOW yourself to know that you enjoy pornography and masturbation better then real live sex with a woman. I doubt any woman is going to care if you are masturbating to porn when you aren't in a relationship with a woman to begin with.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 11:08 AM by Erin
I agree that women definitely want variety as well. There's a reason why women don't watch porn as much as guys. Simply put, porn is made for guys more than girls. Have you noticed that during the porn, there are angles and zoom-ins on the woman's body - her face, her breasts, her vagina - but not the guy. We don't see the guy's face when he orgasms, we don't see the woman running her hands down her body. Porn for the most part is about what is being done to the woman. So that the viewer (a guy) can feel like from his perspective, he's the one doing it. But of course women want variety too. Unfortunately, there's a huge difference in between sexualities, and it's not biological. It's socially conditioned. Women who like a lot of sex are called sluts; men who like a lot of sex are called normal. See the double standard there? That means even if we are women who like a lot of sex (raising hand), we're treated badly for expressing these needs. My own husband has called me a freak for wanting more sex than he does. 
 
Another thing is this. If you're going to marry or be in a relationship with someone, be clear from the very beginning what the expectations are. If you're expecting to be exclusive, then you don't get to go whining about wanting variety later. You CHOSE to be with one person. If you want it so badly, then end the relationship properly. In regards to porn - bring it up and talk about it honestly before you do it. Find out how your partner feels. It's not just your life when you're in a relationship. If your partner is OK with it, then enjoy. If your partner isn't OK with it, then make a choice: you don't watch porn, or you break up and then watch all the porn you want. Porn is a serious issue to some folks.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 11:19 AM by S.B.
* Sorry, that should say, we don't see the woman running her hands down the man's body in porn.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 11:20 AM by S.B.
I'm married 25 years....sexless for 20. Yeah......I masturbate. Better than breaking up a family just so I can have disappointing sex with someone I meet online (been there done that)- not worth the effort. Sure my wife knows I do it but she made peace with it back in the 90's. If I could go out and have real live sex once in awhile without consequences I probably would but sneaking around and endangering the family simply isn't worth it. One thing though...without porn I very well may have left family to seek sex especially when I was in my 40's. I think there are a lot of guys in my situation and porn has probably kept as many sexless marriages together as it has broken apart. These days, with high quality, free online porn, most who refuse to have sex with their wives or are being refused themselves simply don't feel a great need to seek sex outside the home which would be a deal breaker for most wives who might otherwise put up with the porn use ("at least he's at home and not in some brothel, motel room or strip club").
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 12:14 PM by Anon
I agree with you 100% on your post S.B! The double standard has always drove me nuts! 
Anon-I also agree with you on your comment about being home rather than at a brothel or strip club! I would much rather have my husband look at porn occassionaly than have him be at a strip club with a real, live person dancing and rubbing all over him! Likei told him, if I saw some naked chick rubbing her boobs all over him and dancing on his lap at a bar or anywhere else....I would kick both of their ass*s! So, I am not going to let him pay an insane amount of money fot it at a strip club, that is just like cheating to me! Now, if you are single, who cares! If I was single I would probably go watch some hot men dancing around, but it is disrespectful when you are married.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 1:08 PM by Tanya
Sorry for the typos, this website has a hard time keeping up with my typing, so I don't see the errors until after I have posted.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 1:10 PM by Tanya
I think a lot about this topic, because it seems to be causing so much pain and turmoil. I believe that there must be a solution, some peace to be found in this. One thing that seems consistent in all that I have read and experienced is that:  
 
men like/love porn and many women do as well. They like watching others having sex.  
 
Many women feel that this violates expecations of sexual exclusivity in committed relationships. 
 
Many men and women disagree that watching others have sex is a violation of sexual exclusivity. 
 
Many women expect to be the "only one", and this notion does not jive with a man's porn use. 
 
So, something has to give. If a woman sees porn use as a betrayal of sexual exclusivity in her relationship and her partner does not and holds to his right to use porn, she either has to accept this man and his values and live in peace with him or live with him fighting with him and his values or leave him and find a man that agrees with her values (that porn constitutes infidelity to sexual exclusivity).  
 
The fighting that is going on incessantly seems to be so unnecessary. I think it really is a simple as pairing up properly.  
 
Porn is here to stay;that's one thing for sure. It is up to each individual to choose for themselves where the boundary lines are drawn. I have never wanted to watch other people having sex, but I realize that I'm in the minority on this. A lot of people like to watch it and have no problems with it at all. It is absolutely none of my business where others draw their boundary lines. It is only my business when I'm in a relationship that sets parameters around sexual expression. Then, it is only my business to make sure that I pair up with the right person. This does not seem complicated when it's all said and done.  
 
It's a matter of pairing up properly if one is going to join another in a relationship that sets parameters around sexual expression. Obviously, the key to solving this confusion is honesty. People can only pair up properly with others if they are honest about the sexual parameters they want around sexual expression. If one person wants to have porn be a part of their sexual expression, they need to be honest about that with any person they are potentially going to pair up with in a relationship that sets parameters. Just be honest, and things will get a whole lot easier and a whole lot more fun. 
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 1:23 PM by Kat
I also agree that all people love variety. People choose exclusivity over variety when they go to a relationship that sets parameters to close off certain sexual expression, making this expression exclusive.....relationships like marriage.  
 
Of course there are as many variations of marriage as there are people, because every person has their own boundaries that they set related to sexual expression with others. 
"Committed relationships" by their very nature must take into account the people involved and their values. In order to live in peace these values should jive for the most part. 
 
Where I consistently see a breakdown happening is in the area of honesty with one another about sexual values. If each person owns their own sexual values and is honest with another about them there is much less chance that people will get stuck in unhappy marriages. 
 
It boils down to personal responsibility to one's own values and being honest with one another.  
 
Most people choose to give up "variety" when they marry. It's a choice to only have sex with one person and shut the others off. Why do people do this? Well, there must be something of value in "exclusivity", because a lot of people choose this every day, although I think that's changing... 
 
Of course this is obvious but it helps me to get clear writing it out. 
 
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 1:49 PM by Kat
Quite simply the problem is the restrictive rules that make up a marriage in our society. Sex should be looked upon as having three distinct functions- a way to show love-a way to procreate-recreational pleasure between two people married or not. Married men watch porn because being with an alternative real live partner is fraught with danger. This is the problem. If men and women were free to seek recreational sex outside the marriage on men who have trouble attracting sexual partners or men with a fear of intimacy will use porn.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 1:54 PM by Beks
Anon......I think what you say is probably representative of a lot of people. I would guess from what I read that a lot of people are living in sexless marriages. 
 
I happen to feel that most people don't do well sexually in marriage. It seems that many, many women shut down in marriage for a variety of reasons. It's not that they are "frigid" or not "interested"....marriage just doesn't bring out the "sexy". Now, of course there are many exceptions to the rule, but either way, sexual exclusivity to one person sure doesn't seem to work very well. 
 
If a man loses interest in his wife as a sexual partner and wants variety, wants to engage sexually with others, he should be honest about this like you are with your wife. 
 
If a man comes to his wife at 40 and says I no longer want to have sex exclusively with you, but I want to live with you and enjoy a loving friendship and still provide financially for you....many women would agree to this and probably be fine with it, more than willing to get her own on the side. Once again, it boils down to honesty.... 
 
I think marriage is going to be more about friendship as time goes on and less about sex. It already is but people just are willing to be honest about it yet, but that's changing rapidly too. It's all good.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 2:09 PM by Kat
"If a man comes to his wife at 40 and says I no longer want to have sex exclusively with you, but I want to live with you and enjoy a loving friendship and still provide financially for you....many women would agree to this and probably be fine with it, more than willing to get her own on the side. Once again, it boils down to honesty.... " 
 
I actually did this...asked for an open marriage when the sex stopped back in the 90's. Made it clear I had no interest in anything with others except sex, which was true. She would have none of it, dooming us both to live the last half of our lives without having any sex at all except for solo masturbation. Attitudes definitely have to change so people don't have to suffer through this kind of problem.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 3:32 PM by Anon
I know I've said if before, but this keeps coming to me. I believe that much of the suffering that women experience in relationships around this is rooted in the lies and deception.  
 
Also, the fact that women are taught from early on that their value is related to being sexually attractive to a one man....the old knight in shining armor B.S. If she is beautiful "enough" she'll be able to get a man's attention sexually and hold it exclusively for a lifetime.  
 
Of course this is entirely ridiculous, but it is really a relentless message that is also pushed in religion. It then becomes a woman's job to work at not being "tempting" to men other than her one man.....OR to work at being attractive "enough" to keep her one man from "straying". Her sexuality is twisted and distorted.  
 
It's absolutely ludicrous and ridiculous, but young girls and women absorb these messages. Hence their self-esteem suffers when their man wants to view other women sexually. Women are encouraged to be entirely narcissistic in wanting their man to only have eyes for her. It's really crazy stuff, but very real on certain levels. 
 
When women can let this nonsense go and get an entirely new paradigm going, we'll see quite a shift from the pain and suffering that is currently going on related to porn.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 3:36 PM by Kat
Anon....you must love your wife very much to stay with her for a lifetime, and she must love you very much as well to stay with a man who lost sexual interest in her so many years ago. I wonder if it is a sign of love that people stay with one another long after the sexual interest in one another is gone. Once again, friendship trumps so much...
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 3:45 PM by Kat
KAT, 
you are so right about the deception and the lies. There is more of an integrity issue for me with the deception than their is with the porn. If he'd just be honest with me then we could renegotiate a relationship. Of course he wants his cake and eat it too..he wants the relationship to be there but not the intimacy. This blog has helped understand so much. I am so thankful I've had history of satisfying sexual relationships. Without that history I'd feel even worse about myself.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 4:44 PM by Sophia
I think there is another reason why people - men and women both - are dishonest about their sexual preferences. And the sad thing is, if they checked this with each other before getting too far into their commitment, it could possibly go differently. 
 
One is the fear of rejection: if a partner asks for an open relationship, it will hurt their partner, and then their partner will reject them (so talk about it in the beginning of the relationship rather than wait until exclusivity and therefore stability has been established). 
 
Another fear that most people won't own up to is this one: if I can do it, then you can do it. That's why cheating is more popular than open relationships. One partner might be fine with having sex on the side but they actually WANT their partner to remain exclusive to them. So it becomes a one-sided "open" (not really) relationship; one partner enjoys cake (until the guilt makes them choke or until they get caught), and the other one has no idea. Living a life in lies. So very cruel. 
 
That's why people don't go for open relationships. They don't want to think of their lover having sex with someone else and then coming home to them. But at the same time they want variety. So they cheat. 
 
I wonder how my husband would have felt if I acted the way with other men the way he acted with girls. Or if I had rejected him in favor of porn as many times as he has me. But that's not loving to do that, so I wouldn't. It makes me sick to think of being so thoughtless or cruel to him. But he had no trouble being selfish. 
 
If you want variety, be honest. And if your partner says no, RESPECT their boundaries. Either keep the terms of the relationship as they already are, or break up and go have some variety. Or better yet, after you break up, eventually find someone else who has the same values and is OK with both of you finding some variety, openly. Our society is changing so much that it's being talked about, and more people are out there who are in open relationships. With that as an option, why cheat? Cheating is selfish.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 5:06 PM by S.B.
In a cheating relationship everyone is cheated. I consider that to be a lose/lose/lose relationship. It sets up an entirely bogus sham and pretends it is protecting a "marriage".  
 
In fact, what cheating is protecting is a total sham. There is no intimacy or relationship without two people showing up as who they really are, owning who they are and standing in integrity. True intimacy is strenghtening to a person, because he/she gets to see loving eyes in the midst of who they really are, they get to really experience love, someone receiving them, the true them. 
 
Using the "fear of rejection" as the excuse to not show up honestly is silly, because a person has already rejected themselves by not showing up, by presenting a false persona and pretending. The person has effectively made it impossible to be anything but rejected. 
 
True love and intimacy can only be experienced in truth. It is entirely cruel and selfish to cheat on a lover. It's the worst.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 7:23 PM by Kat
Some people don't like intimacy. This is why they either turn to porn or have relationships outside the marriage. Many people want to be part of a family but don't want the high level of intimacy that is usually expected of them. This is especially true of people who grew up in dysfunctional families or experienced childhood trauma. Adult children of alcoholics often suffer from this extreme intimacy anxiety. As long as they can keep a sexual partner at arms' length emotionally they can relax and enjoy the sex. Intimacy on the other hand demands much more and this can cause stress,performance anxiety and fear which in turn, for men especially, can cause sexual dysfunctions which make sex in a close committed relationship unpleasant. They want to be part of a family and not be alone, but marital sex is so difficult that they avoid it turning instead to porn or affairs. 
 
People keep saying that showing your true self and engaging in an intimate relationship is the goal but for many this goal is simply unattainable.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 10:13 PM by JamesC
James C....I hear you. I do hope a happy medium can be reached for all of those who were damaged in childhood and cannot reach the ideal. I do think that relationships based on "friendship" rather than sex may be the answer. The way it's set up now...a lot of people seem to be losing. There must be a way for those who need it to have casual sex while still having a loving frienship.....
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 10:38 PM by Kat
I learned early on that the sexual arena was the one where I was the most "replaceable". I wonder if other women feel this way. Porn certainly solidifies this. People refer all the time to people using porn when the partner is "unavailable". So, the sexual arena has always been the one that I felt most "invisible" and replacable in. There was nothing "special" about me as a sexual partner. As a friend or the mother of my lover's children I felt very special and irreplacable.  
 
I never equated sex with love. The role of wife made me feel like a ball and chain. Men make it very clear that their ture desires are with their fantasy women....the ones they would be with if only they could. Many wives know they are just whatever the man had to settle for...that they are the "consolation prize". It is very sad as it plays out against the back drop of the fairytales. There is a ton of heartache out there tonight...a lot of crashing and burning going on.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 10:50 PM by Kat
Again you have to understand that the thing guys like about porn is the variety. And only a small part of that variety are your typical Hollywood style pornobabes. Women in porn these days come in every size, shape, ethnicity and age. Whatever the men are looking at at the moment you can be sure that if the object of today's desires were to suddenly materialize out of the computer and profess undying love to him he'd most likely lose interest after a few sexual encounters and soon be back online looking for something else. Heavy porn users get bored VERY easily. Besides, how many husbands and boyfriends of beautiful women are caught with a run down street hooker or the cleaning lady? They don't care what she looks like as long as she is NEW and "new" doesn't last very long.
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 11:18 PM by Elcoguy
Good point Elcoguy. That's why at a certain point, it's impossible to take any of this personally....
Posted @ Monday, May 06, 2013 11:30 PM by Kat
So Elcoguy, it sounds like that women are pretty worthless and disposable to men over all. You can’t win by being the “new” one and you can’t win by being the “old” one. It sounds like the ideal set up for men is when men can use women like receptacles for their desires and throw us away most of the time once their done. Maybe men need to stop pretending they love and care about women. I’d rather men be more honest and be hoenst about the fact that they neither value, love or respect women very much over their own desires to treat women like something he can use and throw away like you would with a piece of garbage. From what I’ve gathered largely from a lot of the male responses to this article, men would rather use women, throw them away, rinse, recycle repeat. 
I ask that more men begin to be honest with themselves and stop pretending they appreciate, love and value the woman in their lives. I also ask the same men to tell your daughters how men really think about women instead of your daughters growing up believing that a man will one day love and respect her and find her sexy and fun to be with. Just tell her that what men really want is anything she isn’t. That women are just sources for men to use as ejaculation deposits. That way women don’t grow up with any foolish idea that men actually can love and care about them. Please do this for your daughters so they are well aware of their place in society. Being your sperm recepticals. And nothing more to you.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 11:27 AM by Erin
ERIN: Applause, applause and more applause. Well said. Sad world we live in, isn't it? Some men make so many excuses, but that's all I ever hear, just excuses, and not any real reasons. I like variety, imagine that! I like to look at sexy men, imagine that! I like for my mate to take care of himself and look good for me, imagine that! I like and want sex, imagine that! I am adventurous and like to try new things, imagine that! But guess what? It isn't enough. And it will never be enough until men stop treating women like disposable diapers and/or women accept the fact that in today's society, sex and love have nothing to do with one another. It truly saddens me. I gave my ex-husband everything I had to give another human being, and in return he watched porn. So I dumped him. I married for love, respect, honesty and friendship - basically everything porn destroys.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 12:58 PM by Carol
Unlike women men have a natural ability to separate love and sex very easily. That's why porn is so popular even with men in relationships where sex is easily available. Combine that with a love of sexual novelty and porn is a huge temptation. The women who are having the hardest time with it are older women who remember a time when porn was not so easily available inside the home. Those younger women, born in the 90's who have never known a world without easy access porn, tend to accept it more readily and many see it like sports or video games- just another male diversion. Porn is here to stay and growing in popularity every year with many men masturbating to it for years before they ever experience sex with a real girl. It will be interesting to see, a few decades from now just how porn has changed relationships and the sexual culture. I think historians will look back at the turn of the century and say that it marked the beginning of the biggest change in sexual relationships between men and women in history.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 1:38 PM by Soulseeker
Erin....your post is right on. I ditto the whole thing. It's time that women really get the truth. This article is entitled the things women need to know about porn, and anyone reading these posts are going to know a whole lot more than 8 reasons....I don't think there can be anymore pretending....The porn genie is out of the bottle and on the table. 
 
 
I think one of the things that is rapidly changing is the notion of confusing love with sex. I'm not sure why but it does seem that women confuse love and sex more than men do. I know I bring my whole being to the sexual act....everything I am. Contrary to those who avoid intimacy....I love intimacy, and it can only be develped the way I like it in a very close relationship with one man. 
 
Sex is part of that intimacy, knowing another's body in the closest way possible is just beautiful to experience when it is with someone I have vowed to know for a lifetime.  
 
I hear that many men don't want this depth of intimacy and would rather use women, trash them and move on to "new". Once again, it's important to find others who share the same values. There are plenty of women who don't want intimacy necessarily and are fine with being used this way. They are a perfect match for these men. In the end things will definitely get sorted out. I still think that men and women will remain friends and hopefully be kind to one another in areas outside the sexual arena....but the sexual arena is a crazy mess it seems to me. No love to be found there but a ton of brutality and degradation...and no shortage of men to eat it up.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 2:47 PM by Kat
The more I read about this topic the more I wonder how in the world love got mixed into sex in the first place. I read on relationship forums over and over again about men and their need for variety. It seems so naturally built into men and perhaps women too, but more men seem to be into porn than women. So, my question is why in the world would a man try to shut this down by getting in a "committed" relationship to one woman. Why would he do that to himself? 
 
I really don't get it. It seems that a sexually open relationship would work so much better. How in the world did this get so mixed up. Over and over again I read about how it's inevitable that men are going to be into porn. So, what is the big deal?  
 
I think the tragedy is that there is such a disconnect between men and women on this. I do blame religion and fairytales for misleading women to expect men to be something they never were meant to be more than I blame men for behaving according to their natural sexual impulses. 
 
I have come to finally accept men and their porn use. I love men, and I want to get along well with them. At this point I think that it's ludicrous that I was so naive for so long about all of this.  
 
I was not entirely honest in my earlier post where I said that I never equated sex with love. I think I did love my husband passionately during sex, and I don't regret that one single bit.  
 
I am not angry at men. I love men, and nothing is going to change that. I am angry at all the fantasy fairytales I believed. I am so thankful now that I'm living in reality.  
 
My attitude towards porn as I go forward is that it is each person's own business to determine their relationship with porn. I don't think it is ever my business. It's private, and I would never again participate in a relationship that required a sexual lock down. I believe in free love, and I'm sorry for the years that I spent in lock down.  
 
I love my ex very much, and I celebrate his right to enjoy his sexual expression. I feel on some levels that relationships that require a sexual lockdown like marriage does is very damaging to a lot of very good friendships.....Just some random thoughts as I reflect on all of this.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 5:43 PM by Kat
Another thing I hear a lot in the various posts is that women automatically take their partner's porn use personally and assume that it's a personal indictment on her worth....She concludes that she is not "enough" and begins to "compete" with the porn, thinking that will somehow manipulate her partner into giving it up for her. 
 
I really get it now when men say it has nothing to do with her attractiveness...that it's about having her AND all the rest of the women in the universe through porn. 
 
It's a woman's desire to be the "only one" that balks against this notion, and that is where the problems kick in. If a woman did not care to be the "only one" and was fine being part of the harem all would go very smoothly I imagine. 
 
So, I do wonder how this disconnect happened to have women wanting to be the "only one" and men wanting VARIETY (all women). A woman can't compete with porn which is all women. She is only one woman, and how sad it is when women beat themselves up for not being able to be better porn to their partners. I realize I'm never supposed to be my lover's porn. I'm supposed to just be his friend.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 6:23 PM by Kat
Thanks Carol, I’m much like you. I love sex, I like to try new things, I enjoy sex from varying degrees of gentleness and roughness. But the truth is that it is never enough for the men of the world today. Men do not value or appreciate their partners. Why would they? 20 year old breast implanted porn stars hold more of a place in their hearts and their pants than the women they spend their lives with. So thank you Gentlemen. Women are learning their worth to you everyday. And your daughters will grow up to be with boys who see them just as you see and treat your wives, girlfriends and other partners. 
No woman can be the million different images a man has trained his brain since puberty to take in. Neither can she even begin to match up to all the crazy things men are normalizing for themselves sexually in expectations on women. And the reality is that a lot of men are giving women more and more excuses to turn away from them and to stop putting effort into the relationship. What women should continue to value her male partner when he is more enamored with pornography then he a real woman? What motivation is he giving for her to try and work at their emotional and sexual relationship?  
I’ve had this porn conversation for a long time now. I struggled with it in my own relationships with men. Just 5 years ago, the responses from the men were very different. They fell along the lines of: “I only look at it once in awhile”, “I would never ask or expect my partner to be like those women.”, “ I don’t even need to look at porn.” Now it’s “Well so what if I look at it everyday, I’m a man”, “of course I am going to ask my partner to try something in porn, it’s fun and it gives me new ideas”, “I don’t understand why she doesn’t want to do anal/gag on my penis/ take a shot in the face, what a prude”, “Men like variety so they need porn.” And these men don’t even want to look at how they’ve changed themselves and their sexuality. All they want to do is sit infront of their computers wanking off. Wow guys! Well keep wanking! Because at the end of your life you can look back on all that time you spent jerking off to 20 year old girls young enough to be your daughters and wished you spent more time doing just that.  
We’ve reached a level of “fantasy” in our culture that seems epidemic to me. Fantasy is not bad by itself. But when you see men in a few short years change their entire thought mentality toward porn because of the abudance of it that is now available, it’s a scary world we live in. It seems to me that men are being lost to porn. They are becoming drones of porn. They don’t even care anymore if they have real connections or real sex with real women. And it’s as sad for them as it is for women.  
 
Soulseeker, I am 32. I was a child of the 80s. And yes, I bet there are younger women that are more accepting of pornography. In my time span, I’ve lived when porn wasn’t as available and have seen how men have changed. It’s pretty scary. I also think it’s sad that younger women are more accepting of porn. They do not understand that porn is largely made for male fantasy. But these young women grow up believing that this is how they need to look, how their sexuality needs to look. They believe that they don’t deserve men that are emotionally and mentally loyal to them. They believe that being abused sexually and verbally is “sexy”. They are taking their sexual cues from a male dominated fantasy world just as much as men are. And that’s what is sad. Women are worthless. Men aren’t. Men matter. Women don’t. That’s what men are teaching me. I wish I had been born a man sometimes. Then i would have some worth in this world and I wouldn’t be under the thumb of wanting a man to love and value me but having to pretend it was cool that he sometimes liked looking at 20 year old girls in porn.  
 
Kat, I am sorry but I don’t like the idea that just because someone ties love to sex, that they are somehow “confused”. Some people very much see the two connected. And some don’t. Neither is more confused then the other.  
 
And just because someone may be able to separate the two more easily, it doesn’t mean that it’s right. If you get into a relationship, if you make a choice to love someone, then you need to know your lines and theirs. If you can’t be committed to them, let them free to find someone that can. Someone that can love them and give them the sexual monogomy they need.  
 
Men need to stop lying to themselves that they care about women. They obviously don’t. Look at how many men in this very thread have talked about women. They don’t give a jack about women other their desire to beat off to pornography and women’s bodies.  
 
I also don’t know of any woman that is ever okay with being “used”. Although I a
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 7:11 PM by Erin
"They are taking their sexual cues from a male dominated fantasy world just as much as men are." 
 
This is so true as it has been for a long time; I would say what has changed since I was a girl is the level of violence and degradation young women are now internalizing.  
 
 
Erin, I hear you. I did not mean to imply that people who tie love and sex together are confused, but I do think that sometimes people believe that love is present in sex when it may not be at all. Sex does not necessarily communicate love is what I meant to say. 
 
I personally could not be in a relationship with someone just for sex, but there are many who can. This is what I consider being "used", but in many cases both people are using each other to get off..... 
 
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 8:55 PM by Kat
As I read so many posts reflect women who love their men who as Carol so eloquently put it "married for love, respect, honesty and friendship". They wanted to have fun with their men. I'm also one who loves sex with my man, loves to get crazy with one man and also married for love, respect, honesty and friendship. Although my marriage is over, none of that has changed for me. I still love my ex as much as I ever did. He needed more than me, and I will always miss him.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 9:16 PM by Kat
I'm sorry about you and your ex Kat. And I'm sorry I didn't totally understand you. You are a very clear poster, I just wasn't entirely connecting the dots on my end.  
 
Yes, I think women have internalized the level of degradation and humilation they should experience to validate them through men's eyes. Not only internalized it but actually turned it into an aspect of our sexuality. Which means that women still largely are getting the message that to really enjoy sex, she must still be punished on some level for her enjoyment of it. We still very much live in a world that is ruled by men and where women are very much still secondary citizens. I wish men didn't hate women so much but as the porn turns even more hardcore and degrading, it's obvious that men simply do not like women unless we are naked and getting beat in the face with thier hand or their penis. It's so devastatingly sad.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 9:40 PM by Erin
I agree, Erin. It is devastatingly sad. I live alone now with some beloved pets, and my life is very gentle and lovely. I do live a beautiful life away from this degradation. I am sexy and fun...I got my sexy back :)I do not encounter porn. 
 
I feel very sad for those who are in the thick of it. I've managed to get myself to safety, but my heart breaks for those who are in the midst of this. I am surrounded by divorced women, and I can't help but wonder how many of them are divorced to get to safety for themselves and their children.  
 
Many women are simply not willing to be exposed to this violence and degradation and, like Carol and many others here, have gotten to safety. 
 
It is still very, very sad, because these women once loved their husbands very much and gave their hearts and souls only to be put aside for porn. Sad, sad, and more sad.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 10:29 PM by Kat
I am currently dating someone. He says he doesn't look at porn but who really knows. It's very hard to find a man that hasn't let himself be led around by the media or by his sexuality. The sad thing is that men' s sexuality is really wonderful thing when it's in a positive place. I jsut don't see much in society today that has men's sexuality in a positive place. It's become this twisted, selfish, self gratifying machine where men only care about using women like they are utterly worthless except to use for sex.  
 
If getting down on my knees and begging men to really respect and value women and to put the porn down in favor of working with us flawed and imperfect women, I would do it. But I just don't think men care.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 11:03 PM by Erin
One thing I learned is that it starts with me. I have to care for me. I have to care passionately and respectfully for myself and also for other women. That's where it starts for me.  
 
Regardless if a man ever knows my value, I must know it, and if I'm the only one that gets it in this lifetime, then I have done my job with integrity. Once I have that level of self-respect and love, then I will recognize the man that matches that.  
 
This is why I don't despair. I know that regardless of whether I have a man in my life to love me or not, I have myself and a beautiful, sensuous life. I love life.  
 
Whether men value us as anything more than something to jerk off to or not, we can highly value ourselves and one another. I want to value men, whether or not they value me. Most men will not even notice me in their porn-filled trance, but I notice them, and I still choose to see them as beautiful, because it makes for a beautiful world for me. I protect myself from porn so that I can continue to see a beautiful world, a gentle world.  
 
I've never even seen an x-rated movie in my whole life. I've managed to protect myself from porn other than what I found my husband viewed, but I didn't delve too deeply into that. It was too painful. I protected myself, and I love what I have because of that.  
 
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 11:24 PM by Kat
There may be a certain sexual hostility against women because many men resent all the hoops they are made to jump thru in order to get a woman to agree to have sex with them. Porn on the other hand never rejects a man and some think the intensity of the experience of masturbating to porn is actually more enjoyable than partner sex. I think men these days look on porn as a second sexual option which reduces the sexual power women have as the gatekeepers of a man's need for sexual release. Perhaps this loss of power on the part of women to expect or even demand various things from men before they consent to have sex is what many men really secretly enjoy about porn. They see it as liberation from the burdens of trying to do what is needed in order for a woman to agree to sex with him.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 6:51 AM by Anotherguy
Whether men value us as anything more than something to jerk off to or not, we can highly value ourselves and one another. I want to value men, whether or not they value me. Most men will not even notice me in their porn-filled trance, but I notice them, and I still choose to see them as beautiful, because it makes for a beautiful world for me. I protect myself from porn so that I can continue to see a beautiful world, a gentle world. " 
 
I am not sure how you do that exactly because seeing how men are with porn has just left me feeling hopeless about them and wanting to not care about them like the clearly don't really care about women. Although, I think your way here is better. They will never care or appreciate it.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 7:56 AM by Erin
Hi Anotherguy - I resent that men just want to have sex quickly and easily with no real effort on their part to show that they really enjoy or respect a woman. I’ve gone out on a lot of first dates and about 98% of the men thought we would be sleeping together at the end of the date. If I slept with those guy, they would have used me for sex and moved on. Then I would have been left feeling hurt. But maybe that’s what men want? Women to hurt themselves just so men can have all power, control and bliss? It sure seems like it. Especially when you see the hostility and abuse that is so obvious in porn. 
I resent how quickly and cheaply men push for sex a lot of the time, it doesn’t justify me turing hostile toward men or creating hostile media toward them.  
Men very well may resent women on some level because women actually want to see that they aren’t going to use us for sex (the horrors of women wanting to protect themselves!), but men are ultimately in charge of their own actions and if they are choosing cruelty and hostility toward women simply because women have the autonomy to say “no” in a relationship, something really messed up is going on with men! It is obvious that some of you guys KNOW what is going on here. But it doesn’t sound like you care to change it. It doesn’t sound like men you are all too concerned with your own hostility toward women. Why should you be when you can keep acting out these images through your enjoyment of porn and you can stop and ignore how you are choosing to relate to women. This is largely why women are bypassing men in society. Alot of men have turned passive and lazy.  
And I am sorry, today, men barely have to do much of anything anymore. Alot of men don’t even want to date. They don’t want to treat you with respect. They just want you to sleep with them when *they* want. They don’t really care about you. A woman will get emails saying : “let’s f*ck”, without a man even introducing himself. And then they have the nerve to get hostile because they just want to use a woman for sex and she doesn’t want to be used for sex? For crying out loud, grow up! BE better men and stop channeling your hostility toward women like little children throwing tantrums just because women are actually incharge of their own bodies.  
Sometimes I will go out with men and they don’t even want to buy me a $1.00 coffee. So WTF are men so *hostile* about? Because I don’t spread my legs as soon as *he* wants it like he’s been use to seeing in the porn he’s most likely been watching since he was 12?  
Sorry anotherguy, but the more I think about it the less it seems like men being hostile toward women for anything makes much sense at all. It sounds like men would just like it if all women were living sex dolls where men didn’t have to do a thing to actually show or treat women with respect. Thanks for showing us women how you and alot of guys think of us.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:07 AM by Erin
anotherguy. we create what we live. 
 
we ... create... what we live. 
 
if you cannot get sex with real women, you might ask self, why. many people are well satisfied in their sex life. in our house, someone wants, the other accommodates. we may not be in the mood at the time, but we know in minutes we will be having fun, and both be satisfied. sex is not a battle for us. so it is not even on the radar. 
 
maybe it is your behavior and attitude that you are entitled that turns off women and is the reason they say no. 
 
there are women that do not attract men, that do not get sex, and they do not feel  
entitled" that men should accommodate them. 
 
i would suggest that with the post you gave us, it is a clear indication why you settle for porn, and not a real woman, or a connection. 
 
men need a connection, also. we pretend in this culture they do not. every boy i know, every man i know, want a connection with a woman. no different than what women look for. this is not gender specific. 
 
men need to shed the societal conditions that define their masculinity thru their sexuality and start focusing on character. 
 
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:43 AM by seabeyond
I think what's happening is men are programmed to seek sexual partners and women are programmed to need intimacy before they agree to sex. This goes way back thousands of years and has it's roots in the survival of the species. One reason men find porn so fascinating is the women in it act like men when it comes to sex, they profess no need for intimacy at all and this relaxes and excites men because it makes sex a recreational activity rather than a relationship activity they have to work at and run the risk of rejection when pursuing.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:08 AM by Yesiree
I would have to somewhat disagree on the comment of women being prgrammed to want intimacy before sex. Maybe my generation is a bit different, and I am sure it is different from person to person. I am 31, and have had several sexual partners that I had no interest in wanting a relationship with. I was simply horny and wanted sex, and there was an available good looking man that was willing. Many of my friends were this way also. Even my husband and I started by having sex first and then beginning a relationship. I think it is still a societal issue telling women they aren't supposed to want sex and that is all men want. I can tell you as a teenager I probably wanted sex just as men as any teenage boy, I would have been great with 3 or 4 times a day! yet, women who are like that and admit to wanted sex are considered sluts!
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:16 AM by t
Sorry that was supposed to say just as much, not just as men
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:18 AM by t
As mentioned above there is a huge difference in the sexual attitudes of women pre online porn and post online porn. Those who never knew a world without easy access porn tend to be much more sexually adventurous and accommodating to men and believe that sex can also be a recreational activity. This could be that they themselves grew up around porn too. "Hookup" culture is new and very much a matter of women having sex when they are horny without having to be in a relationship or expecting anything in return other than an orgasm or two.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:23 AM by Anon
saying women have to be emotionally connected for sex went along the way side. we were conditioned to believe that as another means for men to control womens sexuality. i was teen and young adult, single, in the 80's. women easily had our one night stand without emotional connection and still i hear men continually feed us the dribble that we need to be emotionally connected. 
 
again, this is not gender specific. it is socially constructed. 
 
i have met many many men that insisted on a connection, insisted on commitment, not wanting to share any more than we give to women. 
 
what we need to do is get beyond these social conditioning's. and you would think we would be well beyond it by this time. men do not want to give up the dominance, power, control. and that is the real issue. 
 
when we as a society do the very simple exercise of no longer seeing women as "giving" sex and men "getting" sex, we will be taking a huge step forward. 
 
women do not give any more than men. and they get as much as men. if we cannot get beyond this very simple step, it tells you want the agenda is. 
 
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:44 AM by seabeyond
Thank you Erin and Kat for the feedback and mostly for your honesty. I think this forum is a wonderful opportunity for men and women to learn from one another and to support one another.  
I didn't divorce my husband because I didn't love him or because I thought he was a horrible person. I divorced him because he lied to me from the very start. He told me he wanted me and only me, he told me he wanted a real family that he never had before, and he told me I was all he needed.  
Well, it became obvious to me that none of that was true when I found myself lying in bed alone, primed and ready for sex, while he sat in front of his computer jerking off, instead of being with me. I know they say it isn't personal against women, but how do you not take it personal when your husband prefers to jerk off to porn than to have sex with you? It is very personal. 
I confronted my ex about this several times, and he even admitted he had a problem and was addicted. I asked him to be honest and tell me if he wanted help with his addiction and that I would not judge him no matter what he decided as long as he was honest with me about it.  
He said he wanted to go to counseling and even called and made the appointment himself. We talked very openly and honestly in counseling about it and I really tried to be understanding of what he was dealing with. Any addiction is not easy to give up, that's why they call it an addiction. 
Well, he was basically all talk at counseling because when we got home nothing changed. In fact, it got worse. It was as if he resented me for asking him to give up the porn, yet he had plenty of opportunity to tell me he didn't want to give it up. 
The lies from the porn started carrying over into everything in our relationship. Before long he was lying about stupid things that didn't even make sense.  
I loved him, or I should say I love him, because I still do and still miss him very much. But I missed myself respect and my self-worth even more. I didn't feel like myself anymore. I was always very happy, upbeat, and easy to be around. But all the turmoil and lies made me angry and I didn't want to be that person. 
So I left. I didn't feel like I had any choice. He admitted he had a problem, asked for help, and then continued to lie.  
Honestly, it doesn't bother me if a man wants to look at porn, that is his choice. I prefer not to watch it myself, but that is my choice. What hurt me were all of the lies. 
Men, if you want your porn, be honest with your partner. I think that is all any of us really want is the choice to decide if that is something we can live with in our lives. Had he told me when we met that he watched porn and that he would never give it up for a relationship, then I could have made a choice to be with him or not. But instead, he lied and said the things he thought I wanted to hear, when all I really wanted was the truth. 
I didn't leave because of the porn itself, but because of all the lies and chaos that came from him watching it. 
I am not a man hater, but I am so glad I am a woman. Men are so emotionally disconnected and it is very sad. 
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:47 AM by Carol
I've found the dialogue very interesting and somewhat surprising about the interest in my initial article on Why Men Use Porn. Thanks for posting it here and so many people who have commented. 
 
For more information, come visit me atwww.MenAlive.com
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 12:52 PM by Jed Diamond
 
"I think men these days look on porn as a second sexual option which reduces the sexual power women have as the gatekeepers of a man's need for sexual release. Perhaps this loss of power on the part of women to expect or even demand various things from men before they consent to have sex is what many men really secretly enjoy about porn. They see it as liberation from the burdens of trying to do what is needed in order for a woman to agree to sex with him."  
 
Anotherguy....your post says so much, and I think you are right on here. I think many men do view women "as the gatekeepers of a man's need for sexual release." It would be interesting to study this. How did men come to view women this way?  
 
Women are the "gatekeepers" of their own sexuality and their own bodies, and yet some men see women's self-protective boundaries as being the "gatekeepers of a man's need for self-release". That seems like really twisted thinking to me.  
 
When a woman is receptive to a man, it is because she wants that man inside of her somehow. She wants to share sex. 
 
If a man isn't "attractive" enough to call to those parts of a woman that make her want him to be inside of her, up close and personal, she isn't "making him jump through hoops". She just isn't turned on enough by him to want him inside of her. It's not rocket science.  
 
It is laziness that leads a man to want sex with a woman without her being turned on to him. Some men force sex on women and women capitulate. I would have to wonder how a man feels about himself when he has that fantastic orgasm with his own fantasy...no woman to have to turn on...just his hand and himself... 
 
Lots of men are so pleased that they are holding the power of their sexual lives in their own hands through porn, but are they really? I'm not sure.  
 
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 7:35 PM by Kat
The bottom line is still that no woman, no matter what she looks like, needs to be sexually lonely. If she wants to hold out for love, money, power or good looks then that is her own choice. If she really wants to have sex she simply needs to send the signals. Hell, she doesn't even have to do it in person she can join any number of dating/hookup sites for free, (men have to pay) and simply let it be known she wants no strings sex and she'll be swamped with offers. A man in a similar situation has to go through an enormous amount of money and effort just on a small chance he might get lucky.  
 
Take for example two people- an ugly fat girl and an ugly fat guy both want to have sex and both go through the motions to attract someone who will agree to have sex with them. I'd bet the farm that the woman will be having sex and the man will be left dying on the vine. There's your difference and until that playing field really does become level men will resent the sexual gatekeeper role women play in their lives. Porn is a liberation from that uneaven playing field. 
 
By the way "Ugly Fat Girls" is actually a very popular porn genre but there is no such genre when it comes to ugly fat guys, not even in Gay porn. 
 
I have to laugh when some women and ALL the religious anti sex wingnuts out there keep talking about the "shame" men must feel after masturbating to porn. This shows and enormous lack of understanding of male sexuality. No man is ever ashamed after having a good strong orgasm....no matter what got him off. Saying he does is just so much anti porn propaganda to try and CAUSE a guy to feel shame where none exists. 
 
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:04 PM by Anon
Anon, I think that men and women wind up paying for sex in different ways. You use the dating site as an example where men pay and men don't. But women pay for the act of sex in a different way: their reputation. Men aren't called sluts with the same derision that women are. So if a woman hooks up with someone on a dating site, she's called a slut or a whore for having sex with a guy she hasn't even met in real life. That's why women are more compelled to say no to sex: being thought badly of or treated badly is a very real fear for most women. Another thing is this myth that men don't say no, or at least not as much as women. The men I've met, with special emphasis on my husband, have proven that theory very wrong. Yet I don't get to pressure my husband into giving me sex. I have to respect his physical boundaries and not try to guilt him over it or call him names. I know that some men will mock other men for not being in the mood, since in our society the idea of masculinity is so tied to sexuality and virility. I think I tried to understand when my husband wasn't in the mood, though it hurt my feelings tremendously that he would reject me 13 out of 14 days (so once every two weeks were we being intimate) and during those other 13 days he would be watching porn instead. When a wife rejects her husband, is it because she's watching porn instead or using her vibrator instead? I know some men have this issue too, though porn is much more a male tool than a female one. What I'm saying in my klutzy way is that both genders have sex issues, and they're more similar than not. Not all women are frigid and not all men are sex hounds. A lot of men say no, a lot of women say no. People like sex. It's more about social conditioning. Men are encouraged to enjoy sex - porn being one example. Women are encouraged to abstain - slut-shaming being one example. Time to break out of the confines and be true to yourself. And it takes courage to do that.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:23 PM by S.B.
Sorry for typo. That should say: with some of the dating sites, men pay and women don't.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:25 PM by S.B.
Anon.....Are you saying that it is easier for women to be "attractive" to men than it is for men to be "attractive" to women? 
 
I hear you on the shame thing. Shame is an internal reaction and no other person can ever shame us without our permission...even if someone says "shame on you", we are the only ones that can own that or not.  
 
So I hear you saying that it is in the orgasm that the man's sexual power is realized and that it has nothing to do with how he got that response. Is a man's sexual power increased then by the number of orgasms he has to porn? 
 
Obviously, porn is working for a lot of men regardless of what anyone thinks about it.  
 
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:28 PM by Kat
"Another thing is this myth that men don't say no, or at least not as much as women. The men I've met, with special emphasis on my husband, have proven that theory very wrong." 
 
"When a wife rejects her husband, is it because she's watching porn instead or using her vibrator instead? I know some men have this issue too, though porn is much more a male tool than a female one." 
 
When it comes to rejection around sex I think it is a level playing field. A woman who gets laid from a dating site may not experience rejection that night, but what about the next day? I bet she experiences a lot of rejection when she's no longer "new". I do think this notion of it not be a level playing field is bogus.  
 
Lots of people are not having sex when they would like to be having sex for whatever reasons....It's the human condition it seems.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:41 PM by Kat
Exactly. Everyone gets rejected at some point. Everyone encounters times when they can't have sex, but they want to. I really think our struggles are a lot more similar amongst the genders than they are different. We could have a lot of compassion for each other instead. 
 
People who make choices that hurt their partners - whether they're male or female - don't do it because of their genders or a "need". They do it because they choose to.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:50 PM by S.B.
It gets harder as you get older. You can go through your 20's, 30's 40's, maybe even early 50's trying to find someone to agree to have sex but then you hit 60 and realize is simply isn't going to happen....ever. Lot's of lonely people out there for sure.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:50 PM by 1isthelonliestnumber
One of my greatest fears around getting into another lockdown relationship is the pain of sexual rejection. I am afraid to ever be tied to a person who can't go the distance sexually with me, and from all I've read, the chances of meeting a man who could go the distance as far and as deep and as crazy as I would want it everyday is slim to none.....Yeah....I'm blaming porn for this one. 
 
Sure one of these guys on a dating site might be able to do it for one night or two....but probably not be able to go where I want to go sexually.  
 
So while it may be easier for me to get sex than a man perhaps. I don't think it is any easier for me to get the kind of sex I want in the amount I want.....enough said
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 8:52 PM by Kat
"It gets harder as you get older. You can go through your 20's, 30's 40's, maybe even early 50's trying to find someone to agree to have sex but then you hit 60 and realize is simply isn't going to happen....ever. Lot's of lonely people out there for sure. " 
 
This post makes me very sad. Wow....it really does. It seems like there is some kind of cruel joke going on. The women who love their men and are jilted for porn.....the men who just want someone to love them and their porn....Can't we somehow find peace?
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:07 PM by Kat
Google "sexless marriage" and you'll find that plenty of MEN are the lower libido members of a marriage. Lots of women want sex, and lots of it. We can't screw anything with a penis, so while you might think it's easy to get sex on a hook up site, it is far from easy to get good sex we'd actually enjoy from a hook up site. We have to be attracted to the man first.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:20 PM by Dawn
Which is why the playing field will never be even. Bored husbands will turn to porn and lonely men can't get laid.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 9:44 PM by easystreet
If bored husbands turn to porn, then what do bored wives turn to? Can't say cheating - that's equal amongst males and females. Is it that bored husbands turn to porn, bored wives turn to vibrators? And about lonely guys not getting laid? Lonely girls don't get laid either. How many times have you heard a guy who won't talk to a girl because he thinks she's ugly ...or goodness forbid because she's too old? I think the playing field - or more appropriately, rejection field - is more even than not.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 10:05 PM by S.B.
What a double standard. Men want their porn yet when they meet a real live woman who actually wants frequent and casual sex shes considered a slut.  
 
And that isn't the only double standard I have encountered. One night i accidentally left my vibrator in the shower. My ex came out of the bathroom quite upset. He said I had no respect for him. I said I lay in bed lonely and horny while you jack off to porn, but im the one who has no respect? I asked him how he would feel if I started watching porn since he was the one with the lower libido and not putting out often enough? He didn't have an answer for that, of course.  
Posted @ Wednesday, May 08, 2013 10:56 PM by Carol
One thing that strikes me is that there is an equal playing field in the lack of love that seems to be playing out in the sexual arena. It seems that love is not to be found for men or women in the sexual arena. This arena is a brutal power play, no doubt. I wonder if those beautiful, naive souls that hold out for love are winners or losers.
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 12:20 AM by Kat
Anon - I don’t think you understand women very well. The reality is that women very well may hold the market on sex but men hold the market on relationships. because for as many times a woman said no to you for sex, a woman has been told “no” for a relationship. Not many women care if all they can get sex. It’s not as worthwhile to them as it is to have a man have a real relationship with her.  
 
By the way, there is no genre for “ugly fat guys” because “ugly fat guys” are pretty regular in porn. Men are not put to the same look standards are as women. Men can be fat, old, balding and they will all be shown largely banging young hot babes. So please don’t try to make it sound like porn is doing men a disservice. 
 
Oh and another reason you don’t see a genre “ugly fat guys”, is because women are largely the ones objectified and catagorized for their bodies. It’s about women with big boobs, women with small boobs, young women, old women..yada yada yada..women are the ones being objectified. Thanks. 
 
Lastly, I have heard men before talk about the shame they experience after using porn to masturbate. Usually it’s in relation to men that have been looking at porn for so long their porn usage has esclated to enjoying material he normally wouldn’t. But he needs the new high. And after fulfilling the orgasm, he is confused and ashamed about how far he had to go to get himself turned on. It’s really more common than you may realize.
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 8:47 AM by Erin
I just ask any man who is reading this to stop pretending he values or cares about women. This will make it much easier for everyone. Men can stick their porn and not involve real women with their issues and real women are free to find satisfication and happiness in other ways. 
 
It would be nice if men cared about real women but I can see that they just don't really have it in them to do so. That being the case, more men simply need to be hoenst about their inability to truly love, respect or be caring toward women. That way women aren't under any illusion about what they may mean, or actually, not mean, to men. 
 
Please guys, be more honest and stop fooling women into believing that you think they are worth anything beyond your desire for porn. 
 
It's simple.
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 8:49 AM by Erin
I think men have the perception that women never get turned out, which is entirely untrue!! Ugly women get turned down quite often because many men have high standards due to the way women are perceived; they should all be tall, thin, and have giant breasts. I did have an old roommate in college that was not very attractive, and she was always able to pick up a man at bar time, but they were usually ugly men too! Ugly men get laid too! I have been turned down, and it is not like I am unattractive, I have had many men tell me things like "all my friends want to f*ck you" or "you are a very attractive woman." And yet, I couldn't always get laid. My husband and I have been together for over 11 years, and sometimes he turns me down, sometimes I turn him down. Now, I must say that men are objectified in porn also because it is all about penis size, not looks. Nobody wants to see a small penis! :)
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 9:14 AM by t
sorry that was supposed to say turned down
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 9:20 AM by t
Erin....I awoke thinking that there isn't much of a chance that women are going to get fooled anymore by guys pretending to care while they get off to porn on the side. They were able to get away with it for quite awhile but not anymore. 
 
Talk is cheap, and many men sweet talk a woman to get sex, but actions speak louder than words. Men used to be able to balance a hidden world of porn with the facade of caring about their wife and kids but not anymore. 
 
So even if they try to keep the sham going, ashamed to come forward and own themselves as porn loving men, they won't be able to. Technology is such that it is impossible to really hide porn use the way men used to be able to do. 
 
I see this as a good thing for both men and women. Men can finally come to terms with their sexuality in the light, not having to slink around in shame-filled shadows, lying and deceiving. 
 
Women can stop living according to fairtales and get with real men, real porn loving men....or not. No more knight in shining armor nonsense.  
 
I love the men in my life, every single one of them. I DON'T want to know what they look at. The only thing I'm responsible for is for what I view. I see a beautiful world because of the choices I make.  
 
I'm not interested in porn. It creeps me out. I find that world dark and creepy, without love. I'm not interested. If a man in my life wants to fill his mind with that ugliness, that's his business, not mine. 
 
I live alone now, because I don't trust that a man would honor the beautiful, sacred space that I need to hold in order to live the beautiful, gentle life that I do. No porn comes near my home or my life now, and that is all that I am responsible for. 
 
My husband violated a very beautiful, sacred space, and he has moved on to another woman, but it is my responsiblity now to honor the space I inhabit by filling my heart, mind and home with beauty. 
 
If I let the darkness of porn color how I view men, then I'm not filling my life with joy and beauty. 
I love the men in my life passionately....ex husband, sons, brothers, cousins, friends etc...etc...They are very beautiful to me...always. 
 
As long as I keep good boundaries I will be able to maintain an absolutely beautiful life that includes loving men just as they are. I expect that I will live alone the remainder of my life, because I cannot trust that a man would respect my sacred space over porn. I've seen how men circle the wagons, protecting porn at all costs, and I accept that. 
 
As long as I keep good boundaries and protect my sacred space and live in beauty, truth and light, I will be able to continue to view men, real, porn-loving men as beautiful.
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 9:51 AM by Kat
"That way women aren't under any illusion about what they may mean, or actually, not mean, to men.  
 
Please guys, be more honest and stop fooling women into believing that you think they are worth anything beyond your desire for porn. " 
 
This stands out to me. I think of a man's porn use as the least common denominator. How he's willing to use a woman in porn is how he values women. If he gets off to a woman being degraded in porn,(I happen to see all porn as degrading to the people involved as their images are used as masturbatory tools) then that is the extent to which he is able to value all women. 
 
If you want to know where a man's values lie in relation to women, look at what he gets off to. No more evidence is needed. I don't believe a man can use one woman as trash and ever say he values women. 
 
Regardless of whether a man values me, I must value myself. My experience with all of this has been a gift, because it has helped me see where I had devalued myself through the years. 
 
I internalized a lot of "porn induced" values. I came from the free love generation before AIDS came on the scene, and believe me there was a whole lot of "free love" going on. Some of the ways I came to value myself had my value tied up in my sexual value to men. 
 
I've had a chance to really explore my value system and find out where I had objectified myself, seeing myself as only valuable as an "attractive" sexual partner to a man. I've been able to own the places where I objectified myself. Like shame, objectification can only happen to me when I objectify myself...when I agree with it. 
 
I now value myself in a non-objectified way. I am no longer tied to wanting to be what a man wants. My value has nothing to do with sexuality related to a man. It comes from an infinite source. I have found my sexuality through all of this, and it is wonderful. It's all good :) 
 
I couldn't take it peronally now if I tried. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, May 09, 2013 12:27 PM by Kat
Honey,  
Walking in on that this morning was the final straw. Nearly 37 years of marriage down the drain. I no longer care what affects you. You have taken me for granted for the last time.  
Posted @ Friday, May 10, 2013 9:52 AM by
" I know they say it isn't personal against women, but how do you not take it personal when your husband prefers to jerk off to porn than to have sex with you? It is very personal." 
 
Carol......this stood out to me. It is very personal when it is your HUSBAND doing this. The only way I can no longer take it personally is because I'm no longer in an intimate relationship that would make it personal. 
 
People can tell women all day long not to take it personally. I'm not sure why they do that, but they do. Well, to me it was entirely personal when I was married to the man doing it. 
 
This business of taking it personally has been in my thoughts, obviously, and I think it's just another way to discount women's hurt and pain.....so what else is new, right? Anyway, in my opinion, if you're giving your heart, soul and body to a man, and he's choosing porn over you....THAT'S PERSONAL.  
 
The only way it can become not personal is to leave the man (either leave the man in your mind and heart or leave him physically altother). Otherwise, because of the way women experience sex in their heart and soul.....IT'S GOING TO BE PAINFULLY PERSONAL. 
 
I think what people are trying to get across when they say it's "not personal"...or "it's not about you"....is that there is nothing you can do, one way or another, to impact your husband's porn use. He's not doing it because of something you are personally lacking, it's because of something HE is personally lacking. 
 
If your husband was so unable to see the gorgeous woman in front of him...he was more than a fool. He was a very blind fool. A fool blinded by porn. In my opinion if a woman stays with a man who is blinded by porn, she will suffer a distorted view of herself if she takes his opinion of her serious.....He's got porn goggles on, and porn goggles blind men to the beauty around them...It narrows the focus to exclude the beauty all around them.... 
 
I hope all the women reading this can make sure you are not losing self-esteem by viewing yourselves through porn goggles....I don't know if this makes sense, but it's what I was thinking about....... 
 
Posted @ Friday, May 10, 2013 10:00 AM by Kat
I'm sorry another 37 year marriage is crashing and burning. Get yourself to safety. You will feel devasated for awhile, but trust me, there is an exquisitely beautiful life on the other side. 
 
I lost it all. I'm on the low end of the poverty line now and yet, I have the most glorious life. Everyday is like Christmas with everything sensuous and lovely each day that I get further from the "porn" that my husband was bringing into my life. I know the pain is excruciating, leaving a 37 year marriage, but you will find a beautiful life on the other side.
Posted @ Saturday, May 11, 2013 7:44 AM by Kat
I may vent but I will stay. Why should I have to suffer in a physical aspect, as well. I'd lose my medical coverage and until ore existing conditions is truly in effect, I need his Insurance. And I worked HARD to get what we share.  
I'm just asking for some respect. 
Our split schedule allows him private time. It's always me walking in on him during this time, as I am unable to sleep due to pain. It's just a shock. I can't UNSEE that. 
You'd think I'd learn! 
Now a new family crisis distracts us from life as usual. Which seems to be becoming life as usual.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 14, 2013 3:45 PM by
I've been married to my husband for 10 yrs now, we had a beautiful daughter together ... and from the get go of our relationship i have seen porn vids on his pc...i have mentioned to him in that past how much it has bothered me, but he just shrugs it aside, yrs later he built me a pc for me to have cuz we game together...and i know he has had it in his pc all the time, and i have to reframe myself from looking, because i know exactly how disturbed i get....5-6 months ago i got a bit curious and wondered if he still had stuff in there or whats he been up to...so looked into his folders and found a shit load of random naked pictures of women and many many vids that he has saved along w/ all the websites that he goes for porn and downloads...and also i looked at his download pattern and when he watches them...lets just say i was more blown away w/ the pattern and the amount of times through a week when he watches them...my attitude was more like " Really?!" then actually the idea of a guy watching...well i have also thought about downloading male gay porn on his pc to watch on his pc ..well i figure hell if he can watch porn on his pc so can i..so what if he gets a virus on his pc..at least i wont have to worry about my pc....
Posted @ Friday, May 17, 2013 8:55 PM by Auro
I'm 52 and my husband and me have been married for 20 years. The sex was never that great but it stopped completely soon after he got access to the internet back in the 1990's. It started with him losing his erection a lot when we were having sex and then he couldn't finish. It got to the point that he couldn't have a orgasm with me anymore no matter what I did to help him a long. So it's been about 15 years since we had sex. He says he just can't function sexually any more but I know he masturbates to porn on the computer almost every day. Our children are in college now although they do still live at home and I don't want to break up the family but I also know that if I ever want to make love with a man again I need to leave. The older i get the more nervous I am about leaving my husband. I just don't know if any man wants a woman my age. I heard that single men in their 50's and 60's prefer younger women.
Posted @ Friday, May 17, 2013 11:56 PM by SusanH
I was just thinking about this issue today. Many people are in sexless marriages and suffering greatly because of it. I know people stay in these relationships for financial reasons and so as not to break up the family. It seems like such a high price to pay. Isn't there some way that people who want to keep financial and family ties can go outside the "marriage" for sex? It seems like such a shame for people to live with so much lost in terms of sexual expression. 
 
I would find it unbearable to live in a sexless marriage. I would find that to be too great of a loss myself. I will never again be in a lock-down relationship that can go sexless and cause so much loss and pain. 
 
It sure seems like a lot of people are suffering. I don't blame porn. I blame the lock-down that happens in relationships where the end result is sexual deprivation. That is what is causing so much pain. Sexual expression is a beautiful thing. It's so sad to see so many suffering. It seems that it is especially the women who are suffering while they remain "faithful" to men who are "sexless"....Being faithful to a man who is not into you sexually is death to your sexuality. I found that to be way too high a price to pay for any man myself. 
 
The way I see it, Susan H., it sounds like the ONLY way you stand a chance of getting your sexual needs met is to leave the lock-down to a man who's just not into you. You may or may not find a man who wants to have sex with you, but right now, you know the one you're with is 100% not going to.
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 3:14 PM by Kat
Susan H.....Is there any way that your husband would agree to an "open marriage" so that you do not have to suffer the loss of your family in order to get your sexual needs fulfilled?
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 3:17 PM by Kat
He came to me a year or two after the sex stopped and asked for an open marriage and I refused. It's ad enough I've lost him to porn but I can't stand the thought of him with another woman at least while we are married. That is to high price to pay for me to have sex.
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 3:27 PM by Susah H
Susan H., I can understand that. I wouldn't be able to have an "open marriage" either. It kind of seems like an oxymoron to me. I have gone through a divorce and realized that what I have now is so much better than what was a sham marriage. I have found so much joy in life. You might find that you don't love anything of value and gain a lot in getting out, but only you can determine that. I know it's very painful. I found that the divorce was painful, but my marriage was suffering on top of pain, so I'm doing much better. At least there are no more lies, pretending and calling something a "marriage" that really wasn't that at all...Truth has been very healing, and I still love my ex-husband very much. What we have now is much better than what we had when we were in a bogus "marriage".
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 3:42 PM by Kat
Typo......I meant to say "lose" anything of value...
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 3:44 PM by Kat
I can say that there was nothing more lonely and isolating for me than being in a "marriage" where my husband was with other women in his mind and heart. The aloneness I experience as a divorced woman is nothing compared to the loneliness I felt in marriage with an absentee husband. I have found so much that had been lost. Every day gets better and better as I find all the things that got taken from me in marriage... 
 
I've had to rebuild my life, but it was worth every bit of pain and facing the fear of being alone. What was on the other side of it all was more wonderful than I could ever have known. I'm no longer the betrayed, cheated on, trashed, ignored, berated, demeaned woman....Now, I've found a fabulous life.Just my 2 cents.
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 3:53 PM by Kat
Shouldn't relationships bring out the best in us? Shouldn't our lives be improved by being in relationship with one another? I see so much misery represented on relationship forums and on forums discussing pornography in marriage. 
 
Why are so many continuit to live in misery and suffering. I don't think it's necessary to do so. I do think there is a way to find joy and peace together in relationship. I don't think porn is the issue. I think that mismatched values and deceiving one another by being afraid to be honest about who we are is the problem....
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 4:18 PM by Kat
Those of us who grew up poor in broken homes are not in so much of a hurry to throw away a family that is harmonious except for the fact the mother and father no longer have sex. To throw all that away, take the children from their father and dramatically lower their standard of living just so the mother can have sex seems both selfish and reckless.
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 4:26 PM by Anna
Anna....I hear you. In the end, each person must decide what is most valuable to them and be at peace with that. My husband left me after our children were grown. He divorced me as he had another woman. I do not regret the years we had raising our children and family and would never have left them just to have sex. The most important thing is to be at peace with whatever choice is made. The friendship and compainionship that is found in a marriage centered around the children and keeping the family together has great value and in the end, may have way more value than sex ever will.
Posted @ Saturday, May 18, 2013 4:44 PM by Kat
Why they watch porn? That's easy. Because porn stars are beautiful and their wives are not. They watch porn because they love porn and not their wives. Easy peasy. Whatever lies spew from their mouths, don't believe it. Men watch porn because they love porn! Simple. They'll give up their wives and children so they can jerk off to tits and ass belonging to other women all day.
Posted @ Tuesday, May 21, 2013 2:00 AM by Porn addict's wife
Answering the original questions asked at the end of this article. 
So what do you think? 
 
Why do so many men use pornography these days?  
 
Men use pornography these days, because they like variety and don't want to be limited to one woman for their sexual expression. It's not rocket science.  
 
What are they looking to find?  
 
Unlimited sexual expression in fantasy. 
 
Are they finding what they're looking for? 
 
Yes, they are finding unlimited sexual expression in porn.  
 
Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex?  
 
Yes, they miss touching a real live person besides themselves. 
 
It is what it is. It's not rocket science. It's a viable choice and always has been. Some people choose to be with one person sexually. Some choose otherwise. No harm, no foul as long as everyone in the relationship is on the same page. Those who aren't will suffer, obviously. 
 
It's each person's responsibility to choose what they allow into their lives and what forms of sexual expression they want to give life to. 
If one person wants porn to be part of that expression and the other doesn't....best not to be together, in my opinion since it gives rise to so much anger and discomfort.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 1:33 PM by Kat
Like a lot of men I watch porn because it is difficult to find someone to have sex with without having to pay. And because I like variety seeking out a variety of sex partners is an enormous amount of work and you always run the risk of sexual rejection. So really, truth be known I actually prefer masturbating to porn than having sex with women. The whole thing is less stressful more exciting and the orgasms are much more powerful. Perhaps if I could go out a few times a week and be guaranteed a different sex partner each time, I may not watch porn. But that is very difficult, especially now that I'm older. I just wish I could live to see what the future of porn holds. I'll bet by the middle of this century women will be begging men to have sex with them because by then the technology of porn will be so advanced that it won't just be a minority of men who prefer porn like now, I think MOST men will come to prefer what they consider a much more exciting and intense sexual encounter with various kind of cyborg lovers they can order up to their own tastes and how they feel that particular day. Men will be liberated from the demands women put on them in order to agree to sex. For many, in the future sex between a man and a woman will be for procreation only if that.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 1:48 PM by Jess
so basically jess, you are rejected by women, can not get it so you see porn as a weapon against women. 
 
ya, i get that man.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 1:51 PM by seabeyond
Look I am just being honest and pragmatic regarding this subject. 
Let me put it this way, in 30 odd years of watching and masturbating to porn it has never let me down unlike some of the women in my life over the years. And in the end only an idiot would continue to piss into the wind. There is no anger, that would mean I care and I really don't anymore. And there are millions like me out there which is why porn is a multi billion dollar business.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 2:04 PM by Jess
Hey Jess....I hear ya'. What makes you think that women will be begging men for sex in your futuristic scenario? I don't see that happening. I do see that women's roles as real life sexual partners is disappearing. Do you think that men and women will be better friends in your futuristic scenario with sex off the table in relationships...It's interesting to hear the various viewpoints. One theme that I hear for sure is that porn is definitely replacing real life sex for many men. Do you think that men will want to have any kind of relationship with women in the future?  
 
Is this going to free women in a way? Interesting to think about.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 2:44 PM by Kat
I just saw something I've never noticed before in reading your post, Jess. I just saw that porn is a protection for women. Porn takes care of "dangerous" men. It keeps them away from hurting real live women. I have never seen it this way before. For that, I'm very thankful.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 2:49 PM by Kat
Even though people say that the women who make porn are happy to do it. It's a strange way to "take it for the team", but, in fact, that's exactly what they are doing. In a way, they are in the trenches, taking the abuse to keep the rest of us safe from men's brutal sexuality. I have never seen this before today. Wow....weird to think about. 
 
Just the same way war makes certain people disposable....so does porn.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 2:55 PM by Kat
wrong kat. the women being used in porn are used up in about 3 yrs. flynt himself said, "You get used up very quickly: Within three or four months, the average girl will just get used up. It just takes your soul, you know? It just takes your soul." "DON’T DO IT". this from the man that makes the money off the womens pain. 
 
do research on the porn today and what the women endure. massive pain. rape. all kinds of abuses. fed drugs. drunks. 
 
it is a desperate life. so no, these women are not "happy" doing it. they are desperate human beings. 87%-92% sexually molested and raped as children. 
 
now, lets talk about the net porn today. sex slave boys and girls and women. forced to do stuff they do not want to do. held in rooms so small, 12 in a room. no freedoms. no choices. 
 
and the consumer is clueless if it is just another abused victim that they are jacking off to. 
 
do not idealize this world. it is not a pretty woman scenario wrapped up in a pretty bow.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 3:05 PM by seabeyond
Absolutely, when porn is legal and available sexual crime decreases. The claim that porn promotes violence against woman has always been a myth. When men, whether sexually violent or not, are sexually satisfied they won't be going out looking for trouble. Porn is such a powerful sexual satiation media that even many men who do have WILLING sexual partners often come to prefer porn and masturbation to partner sex. And again the numbers of these men will increase as porn technology becomes more sophisticated. And yes, I also believe without the hassle of being the gatekeeper and the one wanting in, men and women will become just friends more often.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 3:18 PM by Jess
gatekeepers, jess? would that be MRA (mens right advocates) that promote false rape claims hits 45%-75% when all numbers show 2%-3%. 
 
there will always be men that use women. and then there will always be men with character, that realize the porn does not allow them to connect to another human being. what do you think it does to a mans brain, this manipulative, violent porn does to men, when they look at real women. 
 
no, men obsessing porn will never be "good friends" with women. they will see women in a manner that will not be productive to a healthy friendship. 
 
they will see women the way MRA men view women. to be used and dominated and controlled. that is what your porn obsessed brain gives to women and our society as a whole.  
 
geez, the illusions men and women alike have to create to feel no shame with the lifestyle they choose. and they feel that shame not because of society, but cause within lets us know how unhealthy it is for all concerned.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 3:27 PM by seabeyond
I realize that I do not know this world. I have protected myself from it for a reason. I would not expose myself to it, nor would I live with a person who would bring it to me.  
It does sound like it keeps predatory men at bay but what a price people are paying for that. Unacceptable.....
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 3:27 PM by Kat
I have never understood the argument that this is all fantasy. Porn involves real people, and I have not been able to grasp how much men seem to want to brutalize the world. Porn is just another way to do that it seems. Obviously a lot of men are taking pleasure in this, and it makes me realize that I just won't ever really understand men or their ways. To take pleasure in watching another sexually bruatalized is a totally foreign concept to me, and the fact that it is happening with the majority of men does baffle my mind. It makes me feel sad that one of the things that makes me feel safe is that these men are sihponing off their sexual brutality through porn, but at the expenses of so many vulnerable women and children. Strange...very strange.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 3:39 PM by Kat
It seems like the arguments go around and around....some people saying that all men use porn....some saying that NOT all men use porn....some saying that there are men of "character" who do not use porn and some saying that the men of "character" are just pretending and lying about their porn use.....some men hiding their porn use in the facade of "addiction"....some wrapping it in what they call a sexual "struggle" and on and on and on.... 
 
I get to the end of the argument, and I think about the men I encounter each day, all day long. I realize that I have NO IDEA where any of them line up in this. Are they porn users who "struggle"? Are they porn users who are proud of it? Are they porn users who lie about it? Are they men of "character" who truly don't use porn?  
 
Does any of that matter at the end of the day? I need to feel good about life, and I want to love the men in my life. Since I can't know where any of them truly stand in all of this, I figure that it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS what men do in relation to porn.  
 
In the end I can only be responsible to my own heart and mind about what I view. Imagining a man using porn is as sick as a man viewing porn, in my opinion. The mind movies I run need to be beautiful. The same way I protect my vision from porn, I need to protect my imagination from seeing men as porn users....Since I can't ever know whether any given man is the one of "character" or the predatory porn user, I choose to view all men as men of character and ask them to keep their sexual lives to themselves....private....none of my business.....
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 4:09 PM by Kat
I'm thinking about the premise of this article "8 Things Women Need To Know About Internet Porn". I'm wondering why the author thought it was important for me to know this? Why did I need as a woman need to know this? Has it helped me in any way? I'm not sure what the author wanted to accomplish....I wonder what he thought would be improved by me knowing this. The value it had for me was that it helped me put my childhood fantasies about knights in shining armor to rest for good. It helped me get the stars out of my eyes, but I wonder about why this information which could be held private needs to be "understood"...Just wondering about it all.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 4:37 PM by Kat
I think women are better off being lesbians, men are worthless dogs.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 4:43 PM by M
kat... the article was written to help women accept something they know in their heart is damaging to hubby, themselves, their kids, their family unit and society as a whole. we have a whole society working at normalizing porn. it is a world run by men. 
 
men obsessed with porn innately, within, know it is hurting them and those they love. if they promote all men do it, it makes them feel better. all men do not do it. but, these men want no expectations and need the validation for abusing other human beings. they cannot hide from themselves in the long run. 
 
and yes, you can deny and pretend it is not a very real reality in this world. i have children growing up in this mess. a mess that literally does damage to them. physically, emotionally, and in relationships and children. so, as a mom, i do not have the option of pretending that all is fine. 
 
i speak up for women. and those abused. concern for the hundreds of thousands of women and children being abused matter to me. 
 
i can not pretend all is well. 
 
i say respectfully.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 4:49 PM by seabeyond
Seabeyond.....I really hear you. I think the fact that I draw lines to protect myself and my mind from porn does not mean that I am in denial and pretending. I do think that I have the right to draw a protective line around what I hold precious, and that is what I choose to do.  
 
I will not go into the darkness of porn as I do not think that would help anyone and would most certainly ruin the beauty of my life. Just because something dark and creepy exists does not mean that I must partake in it. I protect the innocence in me the same way I would seek to protect it for any child on this planet. If I would not expose a child to it, I will not expose myself to it just to say I'm in touch with this dark "reality".  
 
I respect how difficult it must be to be raising children in this environment, and I admire anyone doing it. 
 
I happen to believe that protection begins with myself and then I can protect others from there. Each person must decide what they can bear. Personally, I cannot bear the darkness of the world of porn. I have found it entirely possible to protect myself from it, and I will continue to do so while still seeking to help and support those who are more vulnerable. 
 
I hear your position respectfully as well.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 6:30 PM by Kat
Seabeyond.....I really appreciate the way you remind us that not all men do this, and even if it just boils down to only one man left...then I will assume that every man I meet is that one man, since I can never know differently. Choosing to view every man I meet as that one man works for me. To assume differently means that the porn users who want to convince me that all men do it have won....I will hold out believing as you do that there are men who hold out for the things we cherish and hold dear. 
Those men are my brothers, friends,family members and men I meet in my day.....
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 6:48 PM by Kat
One thing I find interesting is the voyeuristic nature of everything related to porn. Even the premise of this article is voyeuristic in a way.....come look at us and study why we view porn.....The "addiction recovery" movement is full of this where not only do men view porn but then they get together to talk about it in detail......can anyone say creepy? But then, here I am seeking to peer into men's minds by reading their posts to somehow seek to "understand". At some point I feel I have to draw the boundary lines that work for me and say TMI....keep it to yourself please.  
 
I have learned a lot about where my boundary lines need to be drawn, and how to do so respectfully as I understand that others draw theirs differently....It's an interesting process, no doubt.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7:07 PM by Kat
So then my thought process goes back to privacy issues. Isn't a man entitled to his privacy? Why do people feel that a person does not have a right to experience their sexuality privately? I know this doesn't work in "marriage", but isn't that kind of creepy to seek to be the keeper of another person's sexuality? All of this causes me to study and question issues of privacy, sexual rights, boundaries etc....It does have value in the end as I define these better for myself. I'm sure anyone could say TMI, Kat, keep it to yourself would ya' who cares....enough already :)
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7:16 PM by Kat
It is always easy to pinpoint people who don't watch much porn because they go on and on about the violent aspect of it like that is the only kind of porn out there. There are as many porn genres and there are sexual tastes. All the way from softcore "Women's" porn to gag and puke videos. You make it sound like all guys who watch porn just watch the violent stuff. The guys who like it rough watch it but it's only a small part of the whole picture. The porn sub genres number in the 100's with one of the biggest and most popular being "Amateur" porn made by real couples with a home video camera and uploaded to the internet. SOME women in SOME videos may be being abused but you know, thousands of women go into porn every year around the world and they can work in any of the genre's. They don't get paid any more money to do the rough stuff so why do that and not say a hand job movie or lesbian stuff? The same with those who say "oh I can't compete with all those beautiful porn babes" Really? tell that to the guys who like MILF, Granny, Hairy, Fat, Ugly, Shemale/Transsexual or any of the specialized kink movies, not a babe (well, some of the shemales are pretty hot) to be found and these are hugely popular porn genre's. The days of the airbrushed Playboy type porn girl or basically over. Sure if you want silicon babes they are there but that gets old real fast and for most men porn's #1 attraction is variety.  
 
A lot of women go into porn because they feel it gives them enormous sexual power over men which is actually true and to satisfy their self esteem. There are women who have been porn actresses now for 30 years or more. These days you can act in porn well into old age. yes there are poor, uneducated girls who do porn but there have always been girls like this. Once they became prostitutes or strippers, now they act in porn. If porn vanished tomorrow they'd be selling their bodies elsewhere. 
 
The trouble with this discussion is that it always slides into right wing (often religious) morality versus left wing morality and you can't push you idea of morality onto another. That's not democracy that's Theocracy. If you don't like porn don't watch it. If hubby prefers porn to sex with you leave him. Complaining about our sexual culture and hoping it will change or go away is futile. Porn is here to stay and that's just the way it is.
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 7:51 PM by Elcoguy
"If you don't like porn don't watch it. If hubby prefers porn to sex with you leave him. Complaining about our sexual culture and hoping it will change or go away is futile. Porn is here to stay and that's just the way it is." 
 
This is the truth right here.....It is up to each person to draw boundary lines in their own lives, and for me I must love my fellow man, and that has absolutley nothing to do with porn thank God.....Love you all....good night.....End of story for today anyway....Here is to all the beautiful women who are tucking their sweet children into bed....and all the men who are just warming up for a pornfest while I play online Solitaire...love you all...
Posted @ Wednesday, May 22, 2013 11:01 PM by Kat
Why Men Watch Porn: 8 things women need to know 
 
1). because porn women are hot, and wives are not 
2). because they do not love their wives 
3) because they do not value their families 
4) because they have no respect for women 
5) because they are little boys in grown up bodies 
6) because they live through fucking their hands 
7) because they support crime and sex trafficking 
8) because they hate all women!
Posted @ Thursday, May 30, 2013 9:25 PM by mrs porn addict
I will just sum it up in the first sentence: My husband's addiction to porn cost him his marriage with me. I tried too many times to count to talk with him, begged him, pleaded with him, cried until I couldn't cry anymore, because his addiction really cut me to the core. He didn't care and called me ridiculous, naive little preacher's daughter, a child, insecure...you name it. Prior, we had had sex daily, unless one of us was sick, and many days it was twice a day. For about 8 years, I tried to understand it, tolerate it to some level I could adjust to, but I could never understand, always cutting me deeply emotionally and mentally. There was absolutely no need for him to engage in watching such trash. I warned him over and over that he was cutting to the very core of me and that eventually I would reach the point of no return. He didn't believe me and would just laugh it off. Finally, it happened. One night as I was getting prepared for bed, he turned on the garbage. I walked back into the bedroom, and it was in my face. I was so turned off to the point that I just calmly walked to the other side of the house to a guest room, turned on the light and shut the door. I never looked back, and I cried no more tears. He had pushed me beyond the point of no return that I had warned him about all of those too-many-times-to-count. I had always enjoyed our relationship, but at this point I had no more desire. To this day, I can not see myself trusting a man again. If I hear the slightest hint of a man saying something that even suggests he's interested in strip clubs or porn, it's a complete turn-off to me. I've taken care of myself, and I still can attract men half my age...and do. He threatened divorce, and I said, "Do it." He threatened to kick me out of my own house, and I said, "Do it." All very calmly. I have no more arguments to make, and if he's this stupid, then let him live with his stupidity. Years later he approached me and said, "I screwed up." I just looked at him...I didn't even answer. He said, "I'm sorry." I just looked at him...didn't answer. He said, "I'm hoping that you come back to me one of these days." I still didn't answer him, as it didn't matter and still doesn't. He no longer turns me on on any level, and I have no desire for him, whatsoever. He still has his porn collection. He has no clue that I know where it is. That doesn't matter to me anymore, either. Let him enjoy what was more precious to him than a loving, giving, devoted, attractive and sexy wife. I'm done. I live my life, he lives his. I don't answer to him, he doesn't answer to me. Being house mates has worked out, alright. If and when it's time for us to officially/legally split, we'll do what we need to do. In the meantime, whoever goes first, the other won't suffer the consequences of divorce, causing the property tsunami that could happen. I'm fine with that. If I go first, just bury me or burn me. I don't even care anymore. He pushed me that far.
Posted @ Thursday, June 20, 2013 1:57 AM by BB
Complications from divorce are the least of your problems. If you look around at the various websites where women talk about porn and having left their husbands their biggest problem is finding someone else. If they are over 50 it is difficult because most single men in their 50's and 60's tend to either date younger women or if they do date women their own age they will refuse (often at the urging of grown children) not to marry again citing financial obligations (in the will) to those children. 
 
Also there are simply less older men out there. They die sooner than women and this causes a certain amount of competition for the men that are available so men can pick and choose. 
 
And finally, and most importantly, no matter what age the woman who leaves her husband because of porn the chances of the next man she meets also watches it are extremely high. Even so called fundamentalist christians have problems with porn addiction. 
 
Many women in this situation have found that staying married but taking a lover on the side is the better solution to the problem and gives them more control over their sex and relationships
Posted @ Thursday, June 20, 2013 7:29 AM by Anonymous
more and more women over 50 are choosing to stay single. women over 50 have become financially secure and independent. they do not feel the need to deal with a mans addictive need to degrade and demean women.
Posted @ Thursday, June 20, 2013 7:54 AM by seabeyond
It is a real shame the damage porn is doing to relationships. Men have always used porn in one form or another, but the ease of access and availability has certainly changed the scope of its use. I ended my marriage over this issue as well. However, I did not end it because of the actual porn itself, but more so of my husband's lack of respect and concern for me in our relationship. I do not watch porn myself, but I am tolerable to a guy watching it every once in a while. It is when the blue screen of porn because more the norm and starts taking the place of our sex life that I have a problem. When we got married we were having sex every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. Almost 10 years later, I still wanted it every single day, but he became unable to perform to anything but his own hand. We talked and talked and talked and talked about it, over and over and over again. He admitted he had a problem but refused to do anything about it, which told me he did not care how it affected me or our relationship. Every woman is different - some will stay because they don't want to break up the family, some stay because they are unable to care for themselves financially, some stay because they do not care about the sex, etc. But many of you on here are like me - I left because staying with him meant giving up my self-worth and self-respect. I'd rather be single. And I will stay single until I find a man who values me as much as he does himself in our relationship. I deserve that. And so do YOU.
Posted @ Thursday, June 20, 2013 1:20 PM by Carol
I started having performance problems due to low desire early in my marriage. I think I am the type of guy who needs very intense sexual stimulation- both mental and visual in order to become aroused. A few months after we got married I just lost all sexual desire for my wife. Porn has filled the gap. We get along great, even work together but I simply cannot get an erection with her. And like a lot of sexless couples we just continue one with life the best we can. Husbands turning to porn, for whatever reason is very common these days and it is just a matter of acceptance if people want to stay married. If masturbation isn't enough for women then yes, they should consider either taking a buddy with benefits on the side or leaving the marriage. My wife knows she can take a lover any time with my full blessing. This is what I offered her 22 years ago when the sex stopped. So far she hasn't taken me up on that. Not that I know of anyway. Other than the sex we get along great and I think this is why she stays in the marriage.
Posted @ Sunday, June 23, 2013 9:23 AM by Mr Bates
Mr. Bates, I applaud your honesty. The problem I have found is that most guys are not as open and honest as you are about their true needs, nor are they open to their wives having a strictly sexual partner on the side. My ex-husband was very jealous and if he even thought I was glancing at another man he would get upset. 
 
He, unfortunately, like most men I have read about on here, want their porn and they want their wives to get over it, and they want their wives to remain faithful. If my ex-husband had been open about it like you, we might still be together. He has a new girlfriend now and funny thing is she called me last night and asked me if he had sexual problems when we were together. I also found out he started seeing her in September and I didn't leave the house until November, so yes, he was cheating on me. And she thinks he is cheating on her.  
 
I think what a lot of men fail to realize is that women are much more open than men give us credit for. It is all the lying, hiding, and deceit that makes us feel so hurt and betrayed. I have fantasies and I have have desires too, it's not just a "man thing" and men don't own the sexual arena like they did in the past.
Posted @ Sunday, June 23, 2013 9:47 AM by Carol
I have a lot more to say, but one point I want to make is that I read over and over again in the various posts that women set themselves up against porn, trying to be "enough" to attract and keep their man's interest.  
 
I think this is one place where a woman's pain comes in related to porn. In my opinion it is NOT a woman's job to attract a man. I believe it is a man's job to attract a woman. It is his job to attend to reality so deeply as femininity realized in one flesh and blood woman that he reaches the deepest parts of that woman and calls her forward sexually. I know a lot of people will disagree with this, but that's how I see it. So far I haven't met a man that "attracts" me enough. My husband did at one time, but then his energy got diffused as he sought out arousal rather than realization. He chose another woman to have his lust-filled escapades with and left me in the dust. 
 
I still have a fabulous life. I'm one of those women in their 50's that are referenced here. Life has taken care of me in the most beautiful of ways. I'm still open to men, but I don't view life from the perspective that I need to be able to "attract" a man, but rather I am sure I will know the man who will attract me, who will stand out in the crowd. A man who wants to truly engage reality and share it with me will be very clear. If that man never comes into my life, I will continue to live a fabulous life.  
 
A relationship with a man is icing the cake. This viewpoint makes it possible for me to love my body just as is....NOT objectifying it by setting it up to some crazy porn standard of beauty. The right man will attract me. I don't worry about it. Life is taking its beautiful course.....It's perfect and whole as it is....A loving man would be icing on a fabulous cake.
Posted @ Saturday, June 29, 2013 1:08 PM by Kat
Many men turn to porn for the very reason that they DON"T have to attract the women they see, they don't have to pursue, jump through hoops, enter into relationships just to have sex. This is the lure of porn for many if not most men. I'd say if women opened the sexual gates more easily and more often without making men do the song and dance for sex perhaps many men wouldn't turn to porn for the easy and uncomplicated sexual release it provides.
Posted @ Saturday, June 29, 2013 2:06 PM by David BHB
I hear you David BHB. I don't think that a woman can control a man's porn use in any way shape or form. It's not about her....It's not about what she does or who she is. So to think that I can effect a man's porn use by "opening up the sexual gates more easily" is another set up. Many women ascribe to this and find out the hard way that it didn't make any difference. There are many women opening the gates easily on a regular basis, and the men they're having sex with are up to their eyeballs in porn. I don't agree that the two are connected, but I do think a lot of men think like you about this and put the onus on women to control their porn use. 
 
I agree that many men want "easy" sex, and it is certainly out there to be had, but that's not the kind of man that I would be compatible with or attracted to, although there are many women who are happy with the easy, swinging, porn lifestyle. To each his own....that's for sure.
Posted @ Saturday, June 29, 2013 7:52 PM by Kat
I've been thinking about how porn has shaped us. Just the notion of a woman "opening up the gates" as a manipulative action to control a man's porn use shows how porn centric our thinking is.  
 
The pain associated with porn use has brought me to a place where I can see the faulty thinking that is at the root of the pain. 
 
Women have been trained to see much of their value in terms of men and they run their lives through a gauntlet of standards with men as the focus....Am I pretty enough, do I attract him enough, am I sexy enough, can I keep his interest, is he looking at me....and on and on and on. Many of their actions involving their sexuality are all about manipulation to effect a man to "turn him on" "keep his attention" "keep his focus" etc.. 
 
Of course society and religion has supported all of this...the woman is to work on being "attractive" "submissive" etc...all with the focus of pleasing a man for selfish reasons. 
 
It is narcissistic and myopic and causes women a lot of pain as their lives are all about needing a man to "worship" her in a way. 
 
They have learned to see the world through a man's eyes, and have not learned to just see the world clearly through their own eyes. I don't know how much of this is porn related, but that's my query right now as I come to understand these things. 
 
In my experience, porn freed me from all of this nonsense. I no longer spend my days trying to attract a man. I'm free of that, but I sure did spend a lot of my life that way, and I experienced a lot of pain as I never felt like I was enough. 
 
When I realized that if I'm going down the road of trying to be "enough" for a man, I will feel pain, because I will be living a life outside of my own self...all caught up in a man's business rather than my own. I will feel lonely and lost when he turns to porn, but if my focus changes...the pain is gone. 
 
I do not live with my eye trained on men anymore, and it is the most beautiful place to live from. That does not mean that I don't enjoy men....I do immensely...however, I now just see men clearly and much more honestly. I don't see them in a narcissistic, selfish way, always measuring his actions as an indicator of whether I am enough, but now I feel I truly see men in a much more loving way.  
 
So, my experience with porn has been a gift in a sense. It brought me to a wonderful reality that I did not have when I was still living in the fantasy of trying to be enough to "keep" my man. 
 
As long as I had the narcissistic focus of trying to keep my man, I wasn't able to truly love men. Now I just love men, and it's really a beautiful place to live, much more connected to my essence as a woman. 
 
It does not matter to me if a man wants to engage his sexuality with many women and keep it "easy"...that is none of my business, and I do trust that if there is a man who wants more than "easy" sex and wants instead the dense reality of a flesh and blood woman with all the passion I bring...he'll find me and attract me to him. It's all good....
Posted @ Sunday, June 30, 2013 8:45 AM by Kat
Kat, you make a good point. When a woman is constantly questioning how she can keep her man attracted to her, it becomes a relationship based on manipulation... And unfortunately, this manipulation is sold as "need" or "have to". As women we're told we "have to" upkeep ourselves and "must not" "let ourselves go", that we "have to" "put out". Nevermind what women's sexuality actually is - many women are very sexual beings. I am. In my husband's case, his porn use had nothing to do with me not "opening up the sexual gates more easily" - in fact, he has always been the one who rejected me and not vice versa. So what does that leave? Once that reason is eliminated, as it is in many cases, then what reason is left to watch porn? Variety, maybe. Titillation. Because it's easier to get off by yourself than it is to do so with a partner? That would be my guess with my husband, and a clear indicator for me is the lack of effort and attention he puts into me, his partner, when we're doing it. He knows how to f*ck, but not how to make love. And that's sad, because love-making can be some of the most satisfying sex. I've never denied my husband the quick f*cks he wants, but I wonder if part of why he doesn't seek out sex with me is because no matter how much effort I try to put into it, into him, it doesn't satisfy him. Because he might see sex through a porn lense rather than a real one. How could I possibly live up to the chemical surge he feels when he's watching porn, when he seeks pleasure but not intimacy from sex? My ego used to tell me that he watches because the women in porn are hotter. They might be, but I think it's deeper than that. With him, with many people, it's a compulsion. I also think that it can disconnect many viewers from the reality of real sex with a real partner. So in our home, reasons 1 (for his excitement and release), 2 (for variety of women and sex), 6 (the Madonna/Whore Complex - *he* has desexualized me and only sees me as mother, nevermind that *I* still see myself as a very sexual girl), and 8 (instant gratification for him) apply the most. 
 
For some folks, maybe porn is OK. With my husband, I wish he would stop watching it (he started again recently and it was obvious) and start focusing on our love life, as well as give me even a smidgen of sexual attention as he gives the porn girls. I want him to find me attractive. But if I follow that "goal", will that make me manipulative? Can't do that, so what's next? Just let him enjoy them instead, right? :( Try to be happy for him that he's enjoying other women's sexuality instead of mine? Maybe start watching it too, enjoy the vibrating dildo instead of my own husband. :( Sad, no thanks. I'd prefer real intimacy *with* my husband, thank you. Infidelity is out of the question, so... Hope I don't starve...
Posted @ Sunday, June 30, 2013 11:49 PM by S.B.
S.B......I think every woman has to decide where the boundary lines lie that protect what is precious to her in this life. 
 
Personally, I would not be attracted to a man who was using porn and not able to be totally present in lovemaking. Porn seriously turns me off, and I know that I would not be sexually attracted to a porn using man.  
 
I would not have sex with a man that I was not attracted to, so, therefore, that is a boundary line. It would be a violation of my integrity to have sex with a man who is not sexually attractive. I would not want a porn using man close to me. I could love him from a distance, but not close up. 
 
That is just me. I know what I find attractive and what I find repulsive, and I won't violate my own sexuality for anyone. This is such an entirely personal thing for each man/woman and relationship. People draw the lines all over the place, but I did find that it was quite interesting to me when I began to identify how much of my actions in relation to men were manipulative and not really loving. 
 
These were subtleties that I'm still realizing, and with each new realization I feel I'm able to live more honestly and in integrity with my true nature and values. 
 
Now, I feel like I'm rambling. I hope your husband finds it in himself to value you exclusively. You sound like such a lovely person. I wish the best for you as you sort through all of this.
Posted @ Monday, July 01, 2013 2:27 AM by Kat
More thoughts. I think each person has to protect what is valuable to themselves. I was very protective in my marriage. I adored my husband, and drew very protective boundary lines to preserve what was very special to me. I love that I did that. I have absolutely no regrets. I didn't play around.  
 
My husband, however, had different values. He did not value holding a boundary line for sexual exclusivity with me. He came to value other women, variety, arousal and protected these with his lies etc...and that is what he has today. He has what he cherished...other women besides me.  
 
We all end up with what we value, cherish and protect. I still hold what I had with my husband before he veered off in a different direction very special. Truly, I don't know when he began to include other women in his life sexually, because he did a lot of deceiving, but I know what was in my heart and that I was true to him, because I cherished sexual exclusivity with him. I know the fact that I did not entertain other men in my mind, heart and body sexually resulted in a very powerful sexual experience with my husband, and I would not have risked losing that for anything in the world. 
 
He, however, wanted other things, and so, we are no longer together. I still love him as much as ever, but he has moved on to other women. 
 
One thing that I cherish more than anything is a person's right to choose for their own lives without tyrannical forces pressuring them. So, I can still dearly love my husband. He is being true to himself, and I would never want to be with a man who didn't want to be with me. So, it's all good in the end. I haven't lost any love. My heart is as full of love and joy as it ever was. My joy is not contingent on what my husband did or did not do, especially in relation to porn....I just love him...period. 
 
Posted @ Monday, July 01, 2013 2:46 AM by Kat
" He threatened divorce, and I said, "Do it." He threatened to kick me out of my own house, and I said, "Do it." All very calmly. I have no more arguments to make, and if he's this stupid, then let him live with his stupidity. Years later he approached me and said, "I screwed up." I just looked at him...I didn't even answer. He said, "I'm sorry." I just looked at him...didn't answer. He said, "I'm hoping that you come back to me one of these days." I still didn't answer him, as it didn't matter and still doesn't. He no longer turns me on on any level, and I have no desire for him, whatsoever. He still has his porn collection. He has no clue that I know where it is. That doesn't matter to me anymore, either. Let him enjoy what was more precious to him than a loving, giving, devoted, attractive and sexy wife. I'm done. I live my life, he lives his." 
 
This post touches me so much. Truly, we reap what we sow and end up with whatever it is that we nurture and attend to. A man protecting and cherishing his porn in a marriage will end up with just that. More times than not he will not end up with a wife AND porn. He will end up with what he cherishes most.  
 
It's not rocket science, it's the simple way that life plays out. We reap what we sow. 
 
I know there are men in this world who truly cherish and protect sexual exclusivity with their woman and hold it in high value. I know that they experience the exquisite joy and pleasure in sex with their woman because of it. They discover a magic beyond this world. It's real, and there are still men who want to experience this with a real life flesh and blood woman. For women who are staying in marriages where this no longer exists, my heart goes out to you in the tenderest of ways. I'm sorry for your pain.
Posted @ Monday, July 01, 2013 9:58 AM by Kat
I'm thinking that another trap for women that keeps them outside of their own lives is the notion of spending their time trying to "understand why men use porn". I'm not wasting my time trying to understand this anymore. 
 
I think what women need to "understand" is themselves and to be very clear with who they are, what attracts them sexually, what is precious to them and what is in integrity with their value system. That is much more important to understand than why men use porn, in my opinion. 
 
 
It can be a major trap trying to understand this. Personally, I'm preferring to understand myself.
Posted @ Monday, July 01, 2013 10:33 AM by Kat
LADIES and GENTLEMEN: 
(Excuse me, if you are male and reading this, you are no gentleman)... 
 
LADIES... LEARN THE TRUTH... 
 
 
IF YOUR MAN IS WATCHING PORN,  
 
MAKE UP YOUR MIND, NOW,  
 
AS TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU  
 
CAN LIVE WITH IT... 
 
BECAUSE IT WILL BE WITH HIM  
 
FOR LIFE. YES, THAT MEANS HIS 
 
PORN IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HIM 
 
THAN IS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU,  
 
IN FACT, WITH ANYONE.  
 
IF YOU THINK HE WILL CHANGE,  
 
YOU ARE DELUSIONAL.  
 
SEE THE TRUTH.  
 
 
Satan's gifts just keep on giving by rotting out from the core of everything. Your relationship, your trust, your love, your very souls.  
 
In the long term?? If this bothers you and you are still young enough to start over... Good luck. (But I think over 90% of men watch.... So you may just be getting into yet another hot skillet.)  
I can tell you... When you've been married for decades... The level of revulsion and disgust can be insurmountable. But you can't divorce because then you'll also be poor.
Posted @ Monday, July 01, 2013 11:40 AM by Lifetime loser
I challenge the notion that if you divorce you will be poor. I went to the brink of homelessness multiple times since my husband left, and today I'm better financially than I have been for years. I had to dig deep and be very creative and resourceful on my own behalf, but one thing I can testify to is that I have been cared for more than I could have imagined. Trust me on this. I do not fault women for staying in a marriage for financial reasons, but I can speak to the fabulous life that is on the other side if a woman is willing to go there. 
 
I had to build one step at a time, and many times I was in an almost uncontrollable panic and fear, especially when I was facing true homelessness, but everytime I got there I reminded myself that what I would have lost in my soul if I had stayed with my cheating husband would have been way worse than homelessness of any kind.  
 
Fortunately, it did not come to that. Somehow the universe supported me and provided just enough to keep me from going to the streets. I decided that I would rather be homeless on the streets of L.A. than to allow my soul to be destroyed in a rotting marriage. I agree that porn rots and destroys many, many beautiful sacred things. I was not willing to lose the beauty of my life just to stay in a certain financial position. As I said I do not fault women who do choose to stay for financial reasons. It's a personal choice that each one must make. 
 
I wouldn't want to use a husband that way. My husband was not a cash cow, and I have felt my integrity undermined anytime I have treated him as such. 
Posted @ Monday, July 01, 2013 4:16 PM by Kat
"I think men these days look on porn as a second sexual option which reduces the sexual power women have as the gatekeepers of a man's need for sexual release. Perhaps this loss of power on the part of women to expect or even demand various things from men before they consent to have sex is what many men really secretly enjoy about porn. They see it as liberation from the burdens of trying to do what is needed in order for a woman to agree to sex with him." posted on May 8, 2013 by Anotherguy. 
 
I re-read posts to get a sense of the flow of relationships that are represented here. This post is interesting to me. It indicates a victim status on the part of the man in relationship to women. He sees women's needs as a "burden" and views women's sexual autonomy as a tyrannical attempt at depriving men of sex. Obviously, in this value system, a woman is only good for sex...she owes it to a man, and she is depriving men if she requires anything of him for that sex (i.e. making him "jump through hoops".)  
 
It's obvious that men with this value system resent women that require a relationship in order to allow access to her deepest being. These men feel entitled. She should just be his for the taking, and if she won't do that....well there's always porn. 
 
Men wanting "easy" sex is interesting to me. They want access to a woman's deepest being without having to engage in ongoing relationship, and they characterize this as "jumping through hoops". Now, these men have the "easy" sex they want and don't have to give of themselves. 
 
What baffles me is how men can see this as a victory....a gain.. 
 
When sex is reduced to a power play....does anyone win?
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 9:19 AM by Kat
 
 
You deleted my response. Didn't like it?  
 
 
My response with expletive deleted:  
Run it (expletive deleted) 
*Expletive deleted* KAT: 
You do not "fault" anyone deciding to stay in a "bad" marriage, yet you "challenge" them.  
I see that you are obsessed with this site so you must consider yourself superior and must share your knowledge with all these desperate women who think their men will change. Well, I can tell you, you DO NOT know everything.  
I KNOW for a fact that I would have a greatly diminished physical surroundings and in that I am nearly 60 and disabled... I am not up for the challenge. So F O smug *expletive deleted*
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 11:01 AM by Lifetime loser
I think you have it totally wrong. these men appreciate the ease of the porn sexual release because they lack confidence and see the demands put on them to "perform" during sex by women, not to mention what they have to do to even get that far, as a stressful, and unpleasant experience. They like skin to skin sex but would rather not be in a relationship in order to get it. They would like recreational sex once in awhile but most women need a relationship first at least in the English speaking countries. In many other countries they are happy to have sex for fun.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 11:20 AM by handsolo
"these men appreciate the ease of the porn sexual release because they lack confidence and see the demands put on them to "perform" during sex by women" 
 
What kinds of demands do you see women put on men to perform? What demands seem acceptable, and which ones seem unreasonable? 
 
I ask because I think there's a balance between some expectations and too many. If a man expects a woman to give him head each time they have sex, I do not think it's unreasonable for a woman to expect cunnilingus as well. Or if a woman wants a little foreplay, to help her warm up (and lubricate properly), I don't consider this unreasonable. Both men and women are sexual beings, so it makes sense that they both have their sexualities present in an encounter... It's not (or shouldn't be) one-sided. 
 
Multiple orgasms? Yeah, that might be unreasonable. Hour-long lovemaking each time? Yeah, that might also be unreasonable. Him to initiate each time, or vice versa, her to initiate each time? Yeah, that might be unreasonable as well, unless the couple is healing from some sort of infidelity, then this changes their intimacy and they must heal it with the utmost care. Then they might have to make new expectations until they both feel safe again. Maybe in that case, the betrayed one needs the unfaithful one to initiate for a while, to avoid the betrayed one feeling rejected if they initiate unsuccessfully. Or perhaps lovemaking is slow for a while, so both partners are careful to be totally present with each other instead of thinking about the affair partner, etc... Anyway, we're talking about your everyday sex here, so never mind that... 
 
What do you think is reasonable and unreasonable in everyday sex, if you don't mind my asking? 
 
"most women need a relationship first at least in the English speaking countries. In many other countries they are happy to have sex for fun." 
 
I think there are a lot of women here who like sex just for fun, NSA. I did when I was single. :)
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 2:17 PM by S.B.
It's not anything in particular but rather the fear of the expectation of performance. When a man masturbates alone to porn he only needs to please himself and so feels no performance anxiety. Many of the men who prefer porn cannot enjoy themselves during partner sex because of this anxiety and in many cases the anxiety actually becomes a self fulfilling prophesy as it interferes with his sexual functioning. This only has to happen once to a man and he will fear it happening again for the rest of his life. It happens to old and young but especially to older men who will give up partner sex altogether and turn to porn rather than face the shame of sexual dysfunction causing him shame and embarrassment.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 2:25 PM by handsolo
That makes sense. It sounds really hard, though... If a guy really enjoys sex, then the anxiety might be keeping him from something he likes to do? Anxiety is hard to overcome. :( So how can his partner help him, if he wants help overcoming it? 
 
Women get performance anxieties too. Just want you to know, men aren't alone in that. Can't count the number of times I worried that I wasn't doing it as well as my husband's exes and as a result couldn't get wet or "open". :( Sorry for tmi.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 2:34 PM by S.B.
I don't think there is anything a partner can do. If a guy is anxious it is a psychological problem, one that many doctors believe is caused by dysregulation of brain chemicals often inherited as anxiety tends to run in families. As well as anxiety it can cause low self esteem. Sure these guys would love to be able to enjoy partner sex but as it stands they cannot and so stick to the solo masturbation instead. Interestingly many of these guys suffer no anxiety at all sexual or otherwise if they pay for sex, probably because they realize that since they are paying the partner has no right to judge them should they fail sexually so that fact alone allows them to function normally when having sex. Some men can also function if they have two or three alcoholic drinks but this is hard regulate and too many will also cause sexual disorders in men although if this does happen if the man has had enough to drink he may not care as much and will just get up and walk out without feeling the need to give any explanation.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 2:49 PM by handsolo
I hear the distress, and to put your mind at ease...I will no longer be posting. I do wish you all the best, especially those in such great pain.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 02, 2013 5:18 PM by Kat
I have been married to my husband for 30 yrs and just found out that he looks at porn often.He at first said he didn't but has been caught in the act many times.Im not really sure how I feel about this. He is the only man I have ever been with.I also found out he has been emailing some other women don't really care for all the lies. Is he maybe just tired of us? Then move on already. This whole thing is making me crazy when we do make love is it me or someone in his mind. With the perfect everything at least a lot of men think so.very confused . K.S.
Posted @ Thursday, July 04, 2013 4:25 AM by Kim
So if Pornography is so perfect and give mens everything they need why they dont start a relationship with their Laptops, tablets, Ipads etc then. All mens should stay alone. Thats my opinion.
Posted @ Sunday, July 21, 2013 9:13 AM by Kathy
I think the. Reason why. Men watch porn is cause. They are not. Happy. With their partner and happy with. The. Sex their partner gives them because. Men like. Different things than women . Men like to have sex with. Different women and. Women rather. Just one. Man my. Husband watches porn all the. Time. On his. Phone. And. He thinks. I don't. Know. It. But. I foun. It. On his phone. He goes when I'm in bed. After we. Have sex he goes and. Watches porn and. That makes. Me. Mad
Posted @ Friday, July 26, 2013 3:06 PM by Kansas
I don't know about other men but mine watches because he is escaping reality, unable to actually BE in a loving, give & take relationship. He can criticize and find imperfections in me; not so with a video image who is just there to perform and facilitate his rocks. 
 
I am not insulted. I have been enlightened. The man I love isn't able to reciprocate fully. He has reaped what he sowed. 
 
I'm over it.
Posted @ Monday, July 29, 2013 4:00 PM by CatLady
I personally believe that "being a male" isn't an excuse, better yet there is no excuse for it. I understand that we all have desires but its totally unfair that females are expected to meet a supermodel/pornstar standard to keep our spouse satisfied or else it's our fault they have to look elsewhere for satisfaction, but men can be as disgusting as possible and let themselves go and we are still expected to be satisfied with them and not to look at porn. I agree that it is cheating to mentally have sex with any other woman.  
To the pigs out there that say your wife has gotten fat and ugly so it's their fault that your a sick porn addict, take a good look in the mirror and think about what you do for her. Most likely at some point she has tried her hardest to look her best for you and didn't get any response or acknowledgement for it so she has given up. Try showing your lady some respect and take her out, hell buy her flowers even. If you don't put any effort into the marriage or relationship then why do you expect her to.  
Anyways I have been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years and I was giving it up several times a day everyday and I am in very good shape I take care of myself, then when I found out a couple months ago that he's been going home and watching porn after everything I do the whole time weve been together I was completely heartbroken and pissed. I don't understand if I'm doing everything for him why he still needs another woman to satisfy him, especially when I'm the one that never gets off, I mean shouldn't I be the one that needs the porn? And I'm glad to know now I'm not alone in this, I have honestly been trying to understand it and find reasons for it to be okay when in reality he's the one that needs to understand how he's making me feel.  
He told me he stopped and didn't want to hurt me but I know he still does it and lies to me if I ask about it. I've gotten to the point where I completely can't trust him and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm afraid if I confront him about it again its just going to be a big fight. I've considered leaving him but in all other aspects he's an amazing boyfriend. I just can't stand feeling so insecure and inadequate anymore.  
 
Any suggestions?
Posted @ Saturday, August 03, 2013 11:43 AM by Erica
In business, you are dealing with numerous challenges. It gives you an insight of opportunity for the future. You just have to take your chances and see what comes along.  
 
Some of the most important consideration you need to look into your business are fiance, people, Supply & demand and the marketability of the product.
Posted @ Sunday, August 04, 2013 11:06 PM by Andre @ Business
I am 44 and my fiance is 37 we have been together for 2 years and for the beginning of our relationship sex has never been a problem. Now he is having a problem performing but as soon as he started watching porn seems that everything is back to normal. Should I be threatened about this change? Am I not attractive enough that he needs to watch porn to get aroused or is it a medical problem that he loses his erection during sex if he doesn't watch porn?
Posted @ Saturday, August 10, 2013 6:58 AM by G.P
G.P. - not you, all him. If watching porn helps him perform with a real person (YOU), then he obviously has problem with the human aspect. Sex is just sex unless there's love & commitment, then it's much more.
Posted @ Saturday, August 10, 2013 4:08 PM by Joanne Rose
I think that it's okay for my man to watch porn. Recently he's been watching porn to the extent where it is indeed ruining our sex life. I spoke to him about it and he just doesn't care. He thinks just because he's a grown man he can do whatever he wants. We havn't been sexually active for 2 months now. We've been together for 6yrs & married for 2yrs now. Should I be concerned? He rather watch porn than being sexual with me. I'm always in the mood but now he's never in the mood for me. I recently caught him video sex chatting with an online girl on a sex chat site. I took this to some deep consideration. Someone please get back to me on this.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 13, 2013 10:24 PM by JayP
@JayP, I'm not a professional or anything but going through this stuff with my own husband, I have read a lot about it. Yes it is a major problem if your husband is not having sex with you but wants to watch porn all the time!!! You are a real person and from what you said you are ready and willing for him and he is not interested...there is a problem! Video chatting with a porn site girl is one step away from cheating in my opinion..you have to figure out how fed up with this behavior you are and then maybe counseling if you talking to him hasn't worked, this stuff is an addiction, as real as any drug out there! It becomes very dangerous to a relationship, I know that I haven't been much help, but I wish you well and all the luck with this problem.
Posted @ Tuesday, August 13, 2013 11:45 PM by Megan
I sae nothing wrong with porn as long as (1) it is kept away from children (2) is not about children; (3) does not depeict people in a degrading manner.  
 
Most women don't understand that men are turned on by the visual image of naked women.  
 
It is natural.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 12:02 AM by Una
I got bored of having sex with my wife soon after we got married. I didn't know this would happen and the sex stopped within a year of the wedding. Neither of us believes in divorce and we are still together despite being in a 25 year sexless marriage. Porn has been my only outlet and has kept me from having to go outside my home looking for sex.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 2:40 AM by Eric C
Eric, to me, it sounds like you gave up really early on in your sexual relationship. I don't think it speeks that well of you that porn is the thing that has kept you from cheating. I've heard a lot of men say the same thing you have. I just don't understand why exactly you take pride in using porn so you don't cheat. Do you really think this makes you a good man?
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 1:45 PM by JerseyGirl
It's not that i gave up because I especially wanted to. It is that when I became sexually bored I was no longer able to be aroused by her and couldn't physically perform the sex act. Men can't fake it like women can when it come to intercourse. A man who isn't aroused can't physically do it. So I had no choice.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 1:55 PM by Eric C
You had choices Eric. And you made yours. And you tried to make it sound like you were being the "good man" simply because you don't actually physically cheat and instead decide to cheat in your heart with images of other women. 
 
I suspect a lot of men though are infact bored with their partners. And I suspect that often, it's because since the time a man was 12, he was looking at graphic hard core porn of millions of different types of women doing the most crazy things he oculd possibly want to see. If that's the way you and other men want to live your life, you can. And sure, it will temporarily make you feel good when you bust that nut, but overall, seems like a sad way to live your life when you give more of yourself to images of other women than you care to share with the one woman that is actually with you. It's a real nice kick in the teeth for you and for her. But who cares? At the end of your life, at least you can say you sure looked at a lot of porn of young hot perfect babes doing everything you could ever have wished for. And that's what really matters right? Cause ..you know..at least you aren't really "cheating". You're a good man right?
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 2:15 PM by JerseyGirl
worse jerseygirl. he is blaming the wife for his inadequacy. she is boring after all. what is a man to do? why, use porn. no other way. and stay away from the wife. not like all of us do not have to get creative in our sexual relationships. you know, taking responsibility for our own sexualities. much easier for eric to blame the woman, then pat self on back for not... rollin' eyes, .... cheating. geeez. so sad.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 3:11 PM by seabeyond
Thing is though it just wasn't my wife who has had no skin to skin sex for more than 25 years, it was me too. No man prefers masturbating to porn over sex with someone they are turned on by but I never went that route (going looking for women who turn me on) instead I suffered a lack of sex alongside my wife. So there are no winners in this story.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 3:29 PM by Eric C
maybe it is not boredom. cause I am thinking looking at a bunch of pictures to get off is AWFULLY boring. maybe it is your need to denigrate women. have them submissive. power and control over women. that would be a whole other issue. but boredom, within a year makes no sense at all for most men and women. ya... men can get off with their partners year after year. especially if they shun the porn, allowing a healthy sex life.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 3:44 PM by seabeyond
I never even saw porn until after I stopped having sex with my wife. Remember this was pre internet. The only porn back then was pictures in magazines which I simply had no interest in. Besides, I had many girlfriends in the 15 years I dated before getting married and I lost interest with all of them after a few months too. It wasn't a problem back then because as soon as the sexual dysfunctions caused by the boredom would start, I'd move on to someone new. But when I married I got trapped and couldn't do anything about it. I approached my wife about an open marriage (since divorce was out of the question) but she refused. I don't blame any of this on porn as the pattern was set many years before I ever used porn. As in my original post I praise the porn for being a sexual outlet that kept me from having to cheat sexually on my wife.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 4:02 PM by EricC
Yeah, you have a point there Seabeyond. That’s something else I see a lot with men... “She’s boring..she got fat..she is less attractive...she spends too much time with the kids...she does this or that.” She is to blame because how could he be to blame? He is a sexual tiger that needs his appetite fed. She on the other hand just isn’t woman enough anymore.....  
 
Eric, sounds like you have a general issue with being able to truly commit to someone. Not too sure what caused you to get married when you knew you get bored with women after a few months. But even you can’t be too excited that the thing you praise in your life and your relationship is the porn. I don’t possibly see how you could really think that way. And if you do, perhaps porn isn’t the saving grave you really think it is but is really the coals that are feeding the fire of your unhappiness. It’s not uncommon though for men to give credit to porn for keeping them loyal. I just always wondered how that really makes you feel about yourself. Does it make you feel good as a man to know that the only reason your loyal is because you like to objectify young women in porn? Maybe it does. I don’t know.  
 
Over all, reading the comments from men here, and in general on the internet, men love their porn. But they sure don't seem to really love real live women. funny that.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 4:31 PM by JerseyGirl
why my post talking about porn as a tool to use against women to degrade, denigrate, for the need of a woman to be submission so the male has power and control over her, in order to get off was deleted makes me wonder. this is an article about mens need of porn. and the need to visually control, humiliate, degrade women thru porn cause they cannot control women in their real life is very much at the heart of porn. 
 
if you are going to allow a discussion of porn, then the very ugliest of what porn is must be allowed. 
 
to suggest that one is "bored" after doing it a few times should be called into question if it is being used as a valid excuse why porn is the only sex in a mans life and no real woman. 
 
seeing the same thing in porn over and over and over and over has to take us to the height of boredom. or one escalates their porn and there are only so many ways to do this. only so many submissive, degrading, violent, abusive position to put women in to continually light up the sparks in a mans brain. 
 
if the excuse of boredom is going to be allowed on the board, then calling in the ever increasing subjugation and violence to women in porn to keep it from being boring for men has to be discussed. 
 
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 4:51 PM by seabeyond
Well I can objectify women by looking at porn or I can do it by paying for sex (cheating & objectfying) or I can have affairs which last a few weeks or months and then I have to break it off because the sex stops) So what am I supposed to do? I have a very healthy sex drive, always have had but I get sexually bored very easily. I thought after I got married that I just needed a few months of therapy but after years and many therapists basically throwing in the towel unable to help we gave up. I know I shouldn't have gotten married but I wanted kids and a family to be part of. Is that so wrong?
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 4:53 PM by EricC
@Megan, thank you for the support. This whole issue has just made me not even feel the need for sex anymore. My sex drive is so low and I'm still very young. I think my husband has an addiction to porn. I never really understood why guys are attracted to such a thing, but then again I'm not a guy. How does one get off to someone having sex or doing any other sexual acts. Me personally, I think it's disgusting. What really gets me is how can someone watch it to the point where they allow it to ruin their own sex life in their marriage.
Posted @ Thursday, August 15, 2013 9:01 PM by JayP
There are creepy guys who blame the creepy things they do on being a guy. There are also good, decent, loving guys. If you are in a relationship with a creep, you know it. Don't wait for him to change, just get out... the sooner the better! I dumped a creep and I am much happier in a loving relationship with a much better man.
Posted @ Sunday, August 18, 2013 4:39 PM by Heather Smith
Been with my boyfriend for 10 months and he's always told me "I havn't watched porn since I met you" we do have a very lets say 'interesting and varied' sex life until last week when he told me that he'd put porn on but couldn't get excited enough to cum so he then put one of our videos on so he could cum. Don't think I liked the fact that he put porn on in the 1st place x
Posted @ Friday, August 30, 2013 10:10 AM by Ginga63
A lot of guys will tell you that they don't watch porn anymore, because of the fact they are simply in a relationship. It's mainly a lie though. A guy who says they don't watch porn, is usually lying. My husband told me that he hasn't since he was a teenager...such a lie! On many occasions I've caught him in the act. Till this day he is still lying about it, and I'm still catching him. It's an everyday list of things to do for him. He can not go a day without watching porn. @Heather Smith, he has really creepy & disturbing porn saved on our computer. It freaks me out.
Posted @ Sunday, September 01, 2013 10:29 AM by JP
Things like this make me despise men . It's as if we're just objects!!!so many of us,try to look sexy, be as attractive as possible and do anything a man wants to keep him. I hate that you have to use sex and do whatever a man wants and more to keep him. I know it's not true for all,but it seems like they get bored,look at other women and fantasize being with someone else if you don't walk around looking like the most beautiful girl ever who is willing to blow him whenever he wants.when did actual love as well become non existent????since when did women just become objects of pleasure and use...if you have to look like a Victoria's Secret model,and do whatever he wants when he wants to keep him, leave.it seems he's more with you for the pleasure and fulfillment than actual love.and turning to looking at other women cause you don't get whatever you want in bed when you want,is just wrong . that is so hurtful to a girl.it makes you feel ugly, worthless and unloved.
Posted @ Tuesday, September 03, 2013 4:38 PM by Katie
"since when did women just become objects of pleasure and use". since we have allowed our world to become ruled by porn. at the point that our men have pornified all women. and disgustedly... our GIRLS, too. that is when we were presented as becoming all that.  
 
our young women are tired. tired of it all. there is a video out with robin thicke (good porn name) that blurs the line to rape. rape porn is a FAV for our guys. you know, just fantasy hurting women, really. anyway, some students, young women came out with a video address robin thickes song that blurs the line to rape. gotta watch it. women are tired of it. the men cry that they can fine no women. why would they be able to when this is all that they are. watch the video. 
 
Students' parody performance 'blurs lines' 
 
copy and paste that in google. easy find.
Posted @ Tuesday, September 03, 2013 5:01 PM by seabeyond
For lots of guys porn is all they have. It is just too difficult for them to get women to have sex with them without having to pay for it. If they could have the real thing they wouldn't use porn. This is especially true for older men over 50.
Posted @ Wednesday, September 04, 2013 2:49 AM by Hank
 
I came home from a crappy rough work day to see porn on the computer. A barely 18 year old girl kneeling in front of a guy preforming oral on him. I saw this while I was taking our ten month old son into his room for a diaper change... the burning hate and disgust was overwhelming! I confronted my husband of seven years, and his face turned pure white! The look of guilt was apparent. That was the one and only time I ever smack him across the face. I told him I'd never touch him again! We never argued before. Never fought. People envied what we had, but it was all a lie. I could never touched him sexually after that moment when I saw the porn on the computer screen. I told him when we first started dating, that was a deal breaker. No matter what part of our relationship. It ate away at my absolute love and respect for him as my companion, lover and friend. But he had been warned.  
 
He had a back injury from work one year prior and was cut off of workmen's comp. I took care of our son, worked 60+ hours a week, and struggled to maintain the house and pay the bills. Ran him to and from countless back shot procedures. All he did all day was lay in bed (or so I thought), taking his pain meds. I came home with the baby, made dinner...he would never emerge from the bedroom to eat. "He was hurting too bad". Would barely talk to me. But, low and behold, I would go to bed, he would get up, nuke dinner and watch TV and play video games all night. Doing god knows what else on the computer. We didn't have sex at all that entire time... He claimed it was his back, couldn't thrust, meds affecting his libido...yadda yadda.... I just had our son but I was 122 pounds before I got pregnant, came home from the hospital at 130 and ended up losing 20 pounds from the stress of working, not eating right and taking care of the baby on my own. No stretch marks either! Not like that should matter... Just making a point. I am attractive... Pretty face, always wear makeup, work out regularly. Our sexual life before his injury was not dull! Dressing up! Role play! Although he never took care of my needs I always took care of his. The fact he didn't care about my sexual needs during our "dry spell" was okay with me. I thought he was unable! I was loyal! Little did I know he was just selfish and lazy!!!!! His back was hurt for two more years. I had to file bankruptcy, still paid all the bills, sold our house. He started internet dating behind my back, with my money BC he was still unemployed. I filed for divorce and he said it was all my idea and he didn't want it. Sorry chump! If you're internet dating already obviously you want to end it too... just be man enough to say it. Coward!!! I have boundaries and standards! He has moved out and has a job, never complains about his back. But guess what??? I pity the next girl who has to deal with such laziness and selfishness!! And I have someone that sexes me for hours straight and can go for more! Looks at me like I'm the only one ever worth touching! 
 
However, I fear I will never trust a man again enough to let them in emotionally. I hate them. I read the other stories of sadness and it just make it worse. Men can be great actors but eventually show their true colors. Secret slime balls. Have standards ladies!!! Leave them to be selfish, alone!!
Posted @ Thursday, September 19, 2013 11:49 PM by respecting yourself is more important than catering to foolishness
It seems like most of the men and women on here have more problems than watching videos of consenting adults having sex. 
Perhaps overuse of porn is a symptom rather than a cause. No it doesn't "excuse" it, but for the women who really abhor porn perhaps it is the illicitness that turns the guy on. 
As for the poster above, I'm sorry that you are in a difficult relationship. But hitting someone because they are looking at a picture of people having sex? That is never acceptable. 
Posted @ Monday, September 23, 2013 4:36 PM by sand
And, by the way, I'm appalled by some of the misandry on here.
Posted @ Monday, September 23, 2013 4:40 PM by sand
Porn is ALWAYS a symptom of something else. If a variety of sexual partners sex could be easily obtained most men wouldn't look at porn. But lonely men turn to it because don't have partners. Men who are shy, have low self esteem, suffer from intimacy fears or have various kinds of personality disorders use porn in lieu of partner sex. Men who are sexually bored but do not want to leave their families also use it. Men in sexless marriages now have a safe alternative to seeking sex outside the home. No matter what it is if a man is sexually happy with a partner or partners he won't use porn.
Posted @ Monday, September 23, 2013 4:56 PM by Justsayin'
I think most of the men on here don't get it. Men need to have the shoe on the other foot. If a woman isn't getting attention at home we don't supplement cuddling and non-sexual male partnership through internet or otherwise. And I think it's sick that guys that post on here are shaming women for standing up for themselves when they've taken too much. The poster a few posts up... nearly made herself last priority for years. If you actually READ what she says he took advantage of her love and devotion to him. Porn was just one of the many issues in the post. Sounds like the man was just plain lazy. There is no shame in ridding yourself of such a damaging person...
Posted @ Tuesday, September 24, 2013 5:56 AM by anti
Sand, I don’t see too many cases of misandry on here. I do see a lot of cases of women who are deeply hurt. Deeply struggling. Deeply confused. Deeply frustrated. Deeply wounded because their partner have more loyalty to a woman in their TV screen or computer (who most likely wouldn’t even give him the time of day in real life anyway), then to the very woman he picked to be with. I see women who feel deeply abandoned by the one man that is suppose to be there for them. Value them. Love them. Enjoy their sexuality. Be in partnership with them. But instead, these women are abandoned. Because for a lot of men today, porn is most important.  
 
I will agree that some of the ways some of us women choose to express this isn’t always positive or helpful. We are human are we not? But true examples of real misandry? There isn’t too much of that really around here. See past some of the anger to see the heart of the issue. Which is the hurt that a lot of women have experienced regarding this issue. See us as your ally, not your foe. Because that’s really all us women want to be. We want to be able to ‘win” with our men. But we can’t. Because it’s the 21 year old porn star with the fake parts that allows the most henious things done to her body for the male audience that is truly what “wins” with our own men.  
 
But if you want to talk about hate for an entire gender? Yeah, lets talk about that. Because to me, porn is chalked full of misogyny. Oh sure, men and porn certainly love the visual appeal of a woman’s body. But that’s not the same thing as truly liking women. A lot of porn is down right verbally and physically abusive toward women a heck of a lot more then it is to men. Women are asked to do more hardcore sexual acts and make themselves more vulnerable a greater quantity of the time then any man is ever asked to do in porn. Stuff a penis so far down her mouth she chokes on it? Sure! Slap a woman? That’s considered “sexy” now-a-days. Women are regularly called names of the worse caliber. Names that you wouldn’t call your garbage can. Yeah. So lets talk about “hate” for an entire gender. Lets talk about how so many men enjoy, support, defend an industry that regularly stereotypes women, breaks women down part by part fetishizing everything from our breasts, our age, our race.... letse talk about how freaking objectifying porn is largely toward women. Lets talk about the freaking crazy unrealistic expectations about women that men are redefining for us everyday asking us to do more crazy and sexually vulnerable acts where men certainly aren’t reciprocating those same positions of vulnerability. Yeah. Lets talk about misogyny. Lets talk about how porn producers purposely make crazier and crazier porn because they know how easily their audience gets bored with it. Lets talk about how the average career of a woman in porn lasts 6 months to a year. And in that time span she is increasingly asked to do more hardcore and debasing acts until they stop calling her all together because she’s now old news. Lets talk about how in a lot of porn today, sex is more about abusing women then it is actually having sex with them.  
 
I remember having a discussion with an older man who said he just didn’t get the kind of porn they put out there for the masses today. In his day, the 70s, porn was just easy going, two people having sex, they laughed, they had fun. Today it was all about smacking the woman, making her do things that actually hurt her, and finishing it off all over her face.  
 
Do you know how many female porn actresses vs male ones that get actual STDs in their eyes and noses? Take a guess at which gender is more susceptible to that and then get back to me about talking about who hates who. Because I got to tell you, alot of men might love women’s bodies but they don’t really seem to like women very much.
Posted @ Wednesday, September 25, 2013 8:57 PM by Me
Dont make excuses for why men look at porn. If a man has a wife or girlfriend, they should NEVER look at porn. He is cheating. If you have a lover why cheat with porn. That is why this world is so messed up. ANYTHING GO, not for me. Dump his ass if he is looking at porn.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 01, 2013 10:31 PM by jojo
I have been with my husband since I was 15 years old, I am 48 now, have never been with another man. Our sex life was great (I thought) for the first 20 years, but recently found hard core porn on the computer and was disgusted by what he was watching. I confronted him and he gave me all the excuses mentioned, bored, just something to look at etc... Well I hope it was worth it, I no longer have the best friend I have shared my life with for the past 33 years. I am so disgusted by what he was looking at I feel like I really don't know him at all and it is breaking my heart. We would watch "soft porn" together in our younger days, but now we are both going through our life changes and I feel we are taking different paths. It's sad. I admit I am fat and not all that attractive but I have been a damn good wife and mother and deserve respect. Although I am sad and hurt by this I have decided that maybe it's time I be a little selfish and do the things I like, after all wasn't he being selfish looking at those websites and not caring if it hurt me or not? I watched his activity for awhile but he caught on and started erasing the history so not sure if he is still on them or not, I don't ask because what's the point, will he lie, don't know anymore.
Posted @ Thursday, October 17, 2013 7:13 PM by Sheila
I am absolutely horrified by what I have read on these forums from both men and women. I am so deeply saddened that women feel that they need to just put up or shut up about their SO porn use, and men to say that women are too much work and its much easier to deal with a screen...what is the world coming to? If we continue on this path of normalizing everything regardless of how toxic it is, our children will grow up not knowing what the word relationship means... 
 
To all women: Im truly sorry to see you suffering over your husband's porn use. I will tell you one thing DO NOT ACCEPT IT. It is NOT a normal thing "all men" do. Society gives this free card to men and they use it as they please! If what your man is doing is hurting you, its not up to society to say yay or nay, its up to you! Porn is toxic and very addictive, what is happening to your husband with porn is very similar to what a cocaine user experiences. If you have told your man that you are not ok with his porn use and he feels bad and says he wont do it again, then he does, he has a a problem and you need to confront him. He will be on the defensive at first because of the guilt and shame, but most men will eventually admit they have a problem. What they are afraid of is the rage that we naturally have when we first find out about their porn use. What I think a lot of porn watching men in relationships need from their SO is support to help them leave this horrible habit. Of course there are many that have convinced themselves this is natural but we have many men who posted and admitted that they had a problem.  
 
Men: You need to start realizing the damage you are doing to yourselves and your relationships by watching porn. You are so enamored with your addiction that you no longer realize how pathetic it is. You are trading the real thing for a screen and think its cute. You don't realize that women are humans just like you and have the same sexual needs and desires! Your biological brain and your logical brain are 2 different things! Your biological brain will always tell you you need sex and to orgasm as fast as possible for survival, however what many men forget is that they were also given a LOGICAL brain, meaning it knows the difference between right and wrong...you are not a bunch of undeveloped monkeys that dont know how to contain your desires. If you are in a relationship and you see a gorgeous woman, your biological brain will give you that urge to "mate" but you as a logically thinking man need to tell your biological brain that the woman you are looking at you are not committed to, therefore you cant do what you biological brain is currently asking of you. It is so simple, its called self control. We were all born with it. Men need to grow up and understand that you are not going to die because you didnt have sex exactly when you wanted to. These are all a bunch of excuses.  
 
I could go on forever here after all I read, but I'll get iff the soapbox...
Posted @ Thursday, October 24, 2013 10:07 PM by Burdenedgirl
You're wrong when you say all men are trading a real life sexual partners for porn. For many this is simply not true. Many, many men have only one sexual outlet- masturbation, with or without porn. The reasons for this make a long list indeed from men in sexless marriages whose wives refuse to have sex or can't have sex due to health reasons to lonely men who for any number of reasons cannot find a real life sexual partner. These sexually lonely men are considered the bottom of the barrel in our society and the few options they do have, porn or paying for sex are either vilified, criminalized or both, at least in the protestant countries of the west. Save your criticism for those men who have a choice put prefer porn instead. For all the others porn is a godsend.
Posted @ Thursday, October 24, 2013 10:50 PM by Jussayin'
Jussayin, men in sexless marriages have the responsibility of trying the best they can to work out their issues. They re in a relationship for a reason. If they can't work it out, they have every right to leave and go find true happiness with someone else. Even the "bottom of the barrell" men can get women, theres a woman for every man on the planet, in fact 4, since theres much more women than man. I think we do a great disservice to ourselves and other by "medicating" all of our issues with porn. Porn in my opinion is ultimately destructive for everyone. It's not a healthy outlet, it ties you in and its never enough to just see one thing, you're constantly bored and looking for the next high. I'm sure men dont constantly use the same pic when masturbating to porn. People have to start considering the long term effects of things, and how their momentary pleasure may affect them in the long run. Yes, everyone has the right to do whatever they please, this is a free country, all Im saying is just because you have the right, doesn't mean it will be beneficial.
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 7:26 AM by Burdenedgirl
because jussayin, it is not like there are not women that cannot find a partner for sex, right? women have the same sexual drive as men as much as we like to pretend otherwise. some women are not getting it like some men are not getting it. we do not have an industry that sell men for womens use. we do not have a huge sex slave industry that kidnaps girls and women and forces them against their will to preform acts the do not want to do, to be used as a thing, so a pimp makes a living. it all feeds off each other. many of the prostitutes and strippers that are there to be USED by men have no choice. they are desperate. and you have no interest in that part of humanity, just the man that cannot find a woman. that is your error in thinking. 
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 7:49 AM by seabeyond
Seabeyond, I personally don't get how people don't infact understand how porn actually probably breeds more disatisfaction then it does actual satisfaction. I also don't get how people don't infact see and understand how porn use does infact create an esculating desire to see more and more stuff. It stuns me that this simple concept is often ignored or denied. Especially among men with a desire for porn. Men use to be excited by a women in modest lingerie in a Sears catalog or a naked breast in National Geographic. Today, they need to see women smacked around with breast implants and wearing school girl outfits. It's crazy!
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 4:09 PM by Me
If you know anything about sexless marriages- (go to the Experience Project.com and read some of the stories by the 30,000 plus members of the I LIVE IN A SEXLESS MARRIAGE group)you will know that very few are caused by interpersonal "issues" and very few couples resume having sex after stopping for any length of time. 
 
Most sexless marriages are caused by sexual dysfunction, illness, psychological problems such as personality disorders, depression and/or anxiety. Also childhood abuse sexual and non sexual. For instance one of the largest groups of people in sexless marriages are the children of drug addicts and alcoholics who are afraid to get close and suffer from intimacy anxiety. 
 
All these problems are basically intractable, not easily treated.  
 
As far as interpersonal issues many of these too are not easily fixed as couples who have lost sexual desire stay in the marriage for the children or financial reasons or fear of being alone. This is particularly common with couples married for decades who are in their 50's and 60's. 
 
But even sexless marriages are not the leading cause of men being sexually lonely and unable to find women who will agree to have sex with them without demanding payment. That list is longer still.
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 4:51 PM by Jussayin'
Jussayin, do some research and you will find that porn itself is the cause of all the symptoms you are describing above. I disagree that porn medicates these issues, in fact I think it makes them worse. Porn doesnt halp anyone with intimacy problems be more intimate, it does the opposite! It keeps someone alone with their hand in front of a screen! What you think is medicine is actually poison! Studies are finding that teenage boys who use porn on a regular basis are now having ED problems and don't find it mecessary to be in a relationship. If this doesnt sound wrong I dont know what does! This generation is being poisoned by porn and we have not a clue what the long term effects of this will be! We're starting to get a very sad glimpse tho :(
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 7:24 PM by Burdenedgirl
You totally misunderstand my point. Porn didn't cause these problems but rather is the result of sexless men having no other options. It could be argued that easily available porn means men who would otherwise seek affairs or paid sex stay home instead and many marriages albeit sexually bad stay together because these sexless men can get a release from porn at home rather than cruising the streets, bars or strip clubs. 
 
What you're talking about- porn conditioning- causing a preference for porn when other (real life) options are available is a whole other thing and has nothing to do with what I am talking about.
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 7:37 PM by jussayin'
and you jussayin' entirely ignore my point. your issue is all about the guy, his need and screw the women and girls, children that are being hurt for the men to be satisfied. their entitlement. their privilege, their right to be fed a naked woman at the cost of a lot of hurt and a lot of damage to HUMAN BEINGS. it is really hard to have all this empathy for a man that cannot get a woman to have sex with and a mere dismissal of paying to use another HUMAN BEINGS body to meet their need. women that are desperate. women that are forced to meet your sad mans lack of having a woman. you have no consideration for using a human being as you expect others to have all this empathy for the man that does not have sex readily available to him at all times. 
 
the mans ever growing need to escalate the porn. more degradation of the woman to get off. more submission of the woman to get off cause he hates women that wont be there for him at his call. the need to abuse and be violent with and verbally assault and denigrate the woman to get off. always the need to do more and more and more to the woman, to get off. it is all about the man in your world. at all cost, satisfy the mans need and women are not even a part of your equation.  
 
disturbing. really disturbing. 
 
 
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 7:57 PM by seabeyond
Me. they get it. they get it cause they know it. these men are living these lives that feed off the suffering of women in order to get off. they lie, but they do not and cannot lie to themselves. they lie when talking to women, they lie when talking about porn, they lie when saying it does not hurt their relationship. and they know, that it is a sick, sick life. that a human being needs to see women degraded, made submissive in order to even get hard. and then the more they need to do to the womans body. the need to watch rape. then the need to watch a gang rape. then the need to take it further, and watch not a simulated rape, but an actual rape. 
 
look at all the cases of our teen boys, BOYS, getting girls so drunk, passed out, date drugs, gang raping them and then putting the girls humiliation on the net for bragging rights. what does it do for these BOYS to have their raping of an unconscious girl on the net for all to see. see how much a sl*t she must be. see how she "allowed" the most disrespectful things done to her. degrade her. humiliate her. this is what are boys and men NEED to get off any more. 
 
they know. and they lie.
Posted @ Friday, October 25, 2013 8:06 PM by seabeyond
Jussayin’, while there are many marriages where sex is not always perfect and idealic, that doesn’t really explain why pornography is a multi-billion dollar business. There are many reasons people use pornography and not all of it is because they are not getting the sex they want. If you want to acknowledge one reason why people look at porn is because of lack of sexual satisfaction, okay. But please be honest to admit to all the other reasons why porn exists as a multi-billion dollar business. There are many women who try their best to make a fulfilling sex life along side their partners and despite what they do, their partner still turns to pornography. There are many men that have seemed to adopt the mindset that because their sex lives aren’t infact perfect and that they can’t always “pull the chicken” the second they want, that they *need* porn. But what in life is perfect and who of us run off to satisfy our base desire the second we need to? Most of us don’t. However, through sex and porn, it’s become perfectly acceptable to hunt porn down the second you feel something a little funny and happy in your pants. goodness. If I ate cheese cake every time I felt like it, I’d be obese. But the fact is most men infact do look at porn the second they feel like it.That’s not healthy.  
 
Yes, there are men that are not having the sex lives they want. There are even women not having the sex lives they want. But that is not the foundation for porn use. The fact is most men begin viewing porn at very young ages, averaging between 8-12. Men spend their formative years indulging in and building a rather strong relationship with pornography and their own idealogy toward women and sex. These men grow up to have relationships of their own where they have no idea how to relate to or truly enjoy the one woman they picked to be with. On top of that, decades of believing you need to pull on your weeny just because you got funny feelings in your pants has breed a culture of men that seem to feel entitled to sex and sexual satisfaction. Most are unwilling to deal with the reality that real women are infact more difficult and that in real life sex lives are not always perfect. So it’s easy to turn to a fantasy the second you want to and not actually do any real work on your real relationship or an attempt to relate to the real woman in your life.  
 
It’s conveniant for you to blame sexless marriages primarily on women because it doesn’t require you, or men in general, to take responsibility for where *they* ultimately lead themselves in their own sexuality or their own perceptions of what is actually physically possible in our imperfect world. 18 year old girls with breast implants dressed up in school girl outfits to please you? Great! Actually being fully engaged in your real life and present enough to try and build a healthier relationship with your female partner? Hard! But which actually sounds better in the long wrong? Which one, at the end of the day would a man want? If the answer is porn, then don’t even engage in a relationship with a woman. You don’t have to have a relationship with a woman. Simply stick to the porn.  
 
The problem is, that’s not what most men want. They want their porn when they want it and they want their female partners to be so open and accommodating to their desires and needs when they are unwilling to do the same for her. And then, they blame their female partners for his own porn use! It’s crazy!  
 
If you are a man who has trouble relating to women and has intimacy issues, there is nothing to be ashamed about in that. If you are a man that had a difficult childhood where you saw unhealthy relationships between your parents or with addiction, there is nothing shameful about that. But turning to porn doesn’t fix your primary issue. Investing your time talking to a professional, thinking about women in other terms then just sex, and actually taking the measure to understand women better would help men like that a heck of a lot more then simply turning to the soft glow of his computer and diddling himself.  
 
Ultimately, any problem in the marriage, whether it’s lack of sex or whatever, is contributed to by both parties. You automatically make it seem like women are the problem and the man is the victim. If a man wants a better sex life, then he needs to learn about his actual partner and engage in ways to make the relationship better! instead of just saying, “Oh I am just gonna look at porn. Hey, at least I’m not going to a strip club. I’m a good guy.” come on, men are so much better then that!  
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 10:56 AM by Me
The bottom line is whether or not they turn to porn because they have no other choice and do not have any real life partners who will agree to have sex with them. or whether they are in a relationship with a willing partner the thing both groups of men have, all men really, is a love a sexual newness and variety. THAT is why porn is a billion dollar business.  
 
I would argue however, that for those men who have a sexually available partner this newness and variety is a more important aspect of their porn viewing. 
 
Men without partners tend not to cruise looking for different images but rather have one or two "favorites" they go back to over and over. This is because they are, maybe not consciously, trying to replicate a sexual relationship with one woman. Their ability to have a fantasy girlfriend is only possible when picking one porn performer or amateur and sticking with her. 
 
And the young pornobabe thing is somewhat of a myth. Yes in the old days the only porn for sale was populated by models. But today all kinds of people appear in porn including thousands if not tens of thousands amateurs many of them middle aged or older. There are dozens on genres of porn and only a few feature spectacular looking women. 
 
As a matter of fact many men who don't have partners will not be turned on by Hollywood silicon porn but rather are looking for rather plain looking everyday women much like they might have in a relationship in real life if they could.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 11:23 AM by Jussayin'
Then don’t say that the reason men look at porn is because they are with partners who aren’t having sex with them. 
 
Secondly, if you somehow believe that “newness” and “variety” is only something men desire in life, it’s not. There are many more and healthier ways to acquire “newness” and “variety” in both one’s life and one’s relationship that porn is *not* a requirement to world satisfaction. Although that does require having the energy and ingenuity to explores those other avenues instead of simply relaying on what is easy to do..sitting in-front of your computer, by yourself, only thinking of yourself, self gratifying yourself. It’s too bad that more men do not want to extend their own capabilities and see what they are truly capable of. They might find that they have even more capabilities for human and life fulfillment then what could ever be achieved though an interaction and yes, relationship, with a computer screen and naked ladies.  
 
Which brings me to my next point. I have seen many men who are perfectly content doing the same thing everyday and having a pretty regular schedule that the whole idea that men always *need* “newness” and “variety” actually doesn’t make a heck of a lot of sense. The only time infact I ever see the “newness” and “variety” excuse used is when it comes to men consuming women as if they are a product to be used and then discarded for the next “new” thing. I have never seen such an utter disregard in how men treat other people in the way men treat women, their own partners, and women in general, when it comes to pornography and their desire for sex. Why is that?  
 
The sad reality is that men have breed themselves to need increasing amounts of “newness” and “variety” because of their own laziness. Not because of their biology.  
 
Do all kinds of people appear in porn? Yes. Does this now mean that porn is all the sudden this equalizer that treats women and their bodies type with nothing but respect and equality? Umm.. no. A) Statistically, young, white women remain the biggest genre in porn. B) Teenage porn is actually highly popular then most other sub genres. C) Women are actually fetishized in ways men aren’t based on their breast size, race or age. Making it seem that anyone that does not fit into the stereotype that has and still is upheld in porn of the young, white, big breasted, thin women; is merly a “fetish” and not truly beautiful or sexy in her own right. This doesn’t even get into the way women are treated, how they are expected to engage in more hardcore sexual acts then any man is, how much name calling directed to women exist, and a whole other host of issues that makes everyday women, not in the porn business, wonder if men even like women or simply want to call us names and smack us around.  
 
But yes, please justifying an industry that is actually pretty crappy both to the women in it and how it reflects women and sexuality. After all, it is your porn that is more important right?  
 
By the way, any man that believes he has a “fantasy girlfriend” through looking at porn is severely distracted from reality and seems liek a man that is more eager to live in lala land then live in the real world, with real poeple, real emotions and REAL sex. Goodness..how many men actually want to really have a “fantasy girlfriend”. Do you realize how sad that sounds?  
 
I have no clue what you are talking about about Hollywood partners since they have as much plastic surgery as porn stars probably do even if the proportions of the surgery are different. And I have no idea what men exactly you believe have “plain” partners when most men in Hollywood or with a lot of money tend to both be with women younger and better looking then themselves. The entire way men discount and treat women in our society is really crappy and it’s time that men start acknowledging this and actually becoming our partners instead of adversaries that are always telling us how much we aren’t good enough for them because they “need” (i say that with sacrasm) x amount of women doing x amount of sexual acts to simply be happy in their own lives. 
 
Lastly, I would argue that men who use porn, even if it’s for variety, are actually rally unhappy with their own lives more so then what they perceive to be the lack of variety in it. The “variety” and “newness” are merly justifications men use to ignore what is going on deep down inside them that they don’t have a way of expressing or discovering. Because men that are actually happy with themselves? They don’t give a rat’s ass about porn! They know what is actually important in life and in relation to their female partners and families. I truly believe deep down in my heart that when people are happy with their life, they don’t turn to porn. And yes, there is totally a way to be happy in your life without having to see x amount of women doing x amount of dirty things for your immediate sexual gratification.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 1:04 PM by Me
For many men the real world is one of sadness, disappointment, rejection and regret and the fantasy is all they have. That fact in itself will keep the porn business flush with cash pretty much until low cost female sex bots become available, probably in the next century. 
 
So porn is here to stay and most guys could car less about the feminist critique of it. Porn is what it is and it is simply a part of our lives now that we all have high speed internet access. You can debate the good and bad of it till you turn blue but nothing is going to change.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 1:17 PM by Chesileigh
something will change. something is changing. something has change. men. our boys. cannot get hard for a real woman, anymore. you know. some men. I think that is a very huge change. and men will fall further behind women. get angrier at women. hate women even more. they will abuse, degrade, humiliate. they will walk away, leaving their children lacking. and more change will occur. 
 
yes. there will be change. there has been change. and it will get more and more ugly. 
 
but hey, if that boner is so damn important and men refuse to hear? say one hell of a lot about that gender.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 1:59 PM by seabeyond
I am sorry Chesileigh but sadness, disappointment, rejection and regret are not things that only men experience. The fact that you seem to think it does speaks volumes about your inability to empathize with women. Unfortunatly, a lack of empathy for others, whether male or female is one indicator of a sociopathic tendency. Life isn't any easier for anyone else then it is men. That doesn't mean I as a woman should support material that degrades men or that I should begin to place greater value on fantasy figures and robots then real life men. The day I do that you might as well say I am dead inside.  
 
"Low cost fem bots"? Wow. Just Wow. That is extremely sad. The more I read this thread, the more sad it becomes how lost a lot of you guys really are.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 2:33 PM by Me
No I meant the fact that porn is so readily available is not going to change, not how it effects people.  
 
People will change and to me as a Writer and Filmmaker is the really fascinating part which is why I predicted the advent of robot girlfriends or wives. No so much the fact that they will exist one day but what happened in society to make their invention and availability so necessary? And will there be something along the same lines for women. 
 
Thinking about it somehow I don't think so. Women need emotional intimacy and that would be incredibly hard to replicate in a cyber being. Men need basic companionship and sex, these are much easier to produce artificially.  
 
And would these robot female companions be considered to have their roots in the past century when they internet was born and with it easily available visual masturbation aids. 
 
And would these female bots really be able to give lonely men what they need? Or, once the sex and basic companionship requirements are met will some men want more?  
Will there be a whole fembot owner's subculture of men for whom these machines give them all they want and need? 
 
I can see gatherings, nightclubs where these bots are traded and swapped among owners. 
 
And what of the role of females in such a society?  
 
What a great movie all this would make.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 2:58 PM by Chesileigh
I have a question for Chesileigh and Jussayin' and the other guys who have responded. 
 
I hear you simplifying things a lot, saying that women only need emotional support. I'm curious, what do you think a woman needs SEXUALLY? So many of these articles talk so much about male sexuality and don't even touch on female sexuality. Hint: women are sexual too. So, what is your understanding of what women need SEXUALLY? 
 
And, to follow up with Chesileigh's idea about female sex bots for men (BTVS/Warren Mears style, I'm guessing), then what would women have to get their sexual needs met? 
 
Another hint: I only know of one woman who reads the drivel known as romance novels. For the majority of us (myself included), they do NOT meet our sexual needs. 
 
So, for the women who have sexual needs in relationships with men who favor porn, what do you think? What should WE do?
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 3:08 PM by Anon
Chesileigh, you’re movie sounds misogynistic and devoid of humanity. By the way, that movie was already made. It was called A.I and it wasn’t just about trading women around for sex. It was about a much deeper and intricate relationship between society, reality and humanity. Which is why I believe your movie and viewpoint sounds misogynistic. Because despite doing it under a guise of “robots”, you clearly get off on the idea of passing female-like “things” around for male pleasure.  
What happens to women in society? I suspect they will continue to seek out males that are emotionally healthy and aren’t looking for robot “companionship”. They will go on to have children with these men while the men that want to bang robots will die off. Maybe the world will turn out okay after all.  
Naturally, I don’t think anyone believes that the availability of pornography now-a-days is going to change. 
Where you go wrong is to assume that it’s this way because it was necessary for some reason. It’s this way because people don’t believe in denying instant gratification when it best fulfills their personal and selfish desires.  
I also think that you do men a huge disservice by saying all men need is companionship and sex. Men are so much more then the stereotype of sex crazed apes that need a little companionship on the side. Men are capable of having deep emotions and deep desires for intimacy in greater capacities then you give them credit for. When you deny men the agency to have deep emotions and feelings, you pretty much are saying men aren’t human beings. 
If you want to bang a robot, have at it. But please don’t make it sound like it’s something healthy. I suspect any man that goes as far to want to have sex with a robot (by the way a robot can neither be female or male since it’s not a living thing) will still be just as unhappy before he was banging a female robot as he was after. He might use sex to numb his more human feelings even not even being intouch enough with himself emotionally to recognize his own inability to relate to a human woman. At the end of the day, what will he have to show for it? He won’t have real human experiences, he certainly won’t have children and he won’t have real love, sex or intimacy.  
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 3:51 PM by Me
Chesileigh, I am not seeing a lot of clever as you insist on defining women by century old crap used to repress women and control their sexuality. the fearful, always afraid male, when it comes to womens sexuality. a little clarity for you. women too like different partners. women too get bored with the same man. women too like them you, hard, and strong, fit and beautiful. women too like sex. women do not need emotion for sex any more than men. and some men need more emotion with sex than some women. it depends on a person life and what is going on at that time. who they are and how they allowed themselves to be conditioned. 
 
all the crap you spew is what men have been using to control women and our sexuality forever. and you are young? and you still hold to this garbage? I bet you are also into evo psych that continually reinforce this for you.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 4:05 PM by seabeyond
I don't know about women's sexuality, I haven't been with a woman for 17 years but I remember it always meant jumping through a lot of hoops before they would agree to sex. There is no such thing as a woman who just likes recreational sex for the sake of just feeling good. They always need some kind of payment whether it be cash, good looks, celebrity, machismo, etc. Whereas if a guy wants just sex he will take almost anybody. So all this business about woman liking sex too is nuts. I wouldn't have gone so long without sex if women had just wanted to have some sexual fun with a married guy whose wife lost interest in sex early on in the marriage.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 4:42 PM by Jussayin
I think jussayin you kinda exactly made the point we have been saying to you. the utter dislike and contempt you hold for women. on the one hand, you correctly state how you know nothing of women. and you do not. then you proceed to argue with me... a woman, about my sexuality. brilliant. rollin eyes
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 4:52 PM by seabeyond
Jusssayin, what you perceive as "jumping through a lot of hoops" was probably a lot of women's need to see if you were willing to treat more then a willing sex hole.  
 
There are women who do enjoy recreational sex but most women want men that value them for more then just sex. You believe women always need some kind of payment whether it be cash, good looks, celebrity status or the likes of that.. that is exactly how women can feel except the payment men want is the use of our bodies without respecting us beyond that. We are so much more then that and do not want to be used for sex, even when sex feels really good, jsut as you don't want to be used for your money. 
 
I also find it pretty terrible that you blame women, both your wife and other women for not having sex with you. You sound entirely selfish. YOu didn't care about your marriage and you certainly weren't going to care about the women you wanted to get sex from. Poor little old you, women wouldn't sleep with you as a married man. Are you for real?
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 5:59 PM by Me
Jussayin', your perspective might be influenced by your circumstances. You were married (are you still?). That's a boundary that people in general know they shouldn't cross. The folks who do cross the boundary of marriage and either cheat or sleep with someone who is married - well, they're not healthy people. 
 
You said that your wife lost interest in sex near the beginning of your marriage. Why? Were there marital issues (infidelity, large disagreements over jobs or living locations, money troubles, family troubles, etc)? Were there health issues? Were there disagreements about what each of you wanted sexually? When you guys WERE having sex, what did your wife like? What did you like? 
 
There are a lot of women who enjoy recreational sex, or sex just to feel good. But you see, that's where the "hoops" appear to come in. We actually want sex to feel good. It doesn't mean money or prestige or whatever your list was - it simply means a partner with whom we can orgasm and feel good. From my own experiences, the men I have been with have been very selfish. I have asked for what I wanted, and more than one of them didn't even try (which wasn't anything they weren't asking of me - do you believe that there are people out there who want their partner to go down on them but then won't do the same? Both men and women, and both kinda selfish). 
 
So, for many women, it turns into this: she goes down on him, he sticks it in her, pumps, cums, and goes to sleep. She hasn't cum, she hasn't received any foreplay, and he hasn't been attentive to making her body feel good. Why would she want to repeat that experience? 
 
One more thing for you to consider. Like I said, there are a lot of women who like recreational sex, just as there are a lot of men who like recreational sex. Guess what barrier women have that men don't? Slut-shaming. Men can have recreational sex and NOT be called names or effect their marriage potential (or if their potential brides DO take offense to their sexual history, then the "uptight" brides are called names or chastised as well). But women? Read the many threads out there of men who find women with a colorful past to be "sluts" and "why would you want to wife up a slut"? Have you heard that before? If a woman has sex because it feels good, she WILL be called names. Unless she meets someone respectful. There ARE high sex drive women out there; they just need to find the guys who will respect that about them and not shame them for it. Really, on all sides of the equation, it's about finding like-minded (hopefully healthy) people. 
 
I hope that makes sense. We might have different experiences, but I wanted to give you another perspective.
Posted @ Saturday, October 26, 2013 6:49 PM by Anon
No she lost interested after our son was born. We went to therapy on and off for the first five years of marriage. She had been abused as a child, something I didn't know when I married her and she doesn't like being close. Even when we were dating the sex was terrible, life she just wanted to get it over with. There were so many other things about her I liked though. She doesn't even like when I kiss her hello or goodbye. Sex Therapists, marital therapists, and psychiatrists couldn't help. I stayed on because I wanted to live under the same roof as my child.
Posted @ Sunday, October 27, 2013 12:45 PM by Jussayin'
Chesileigh, female sex bots?!? U need to tell me where ur gettin that weed lmao!! Im quoting you below: 
"For many men the real world is one of sadness, disappointment, rejection and regret and the fantasy is all they have. That fact in itself will keep the porn business flush with cash..."  
Ok then, why can we just admit that porn is for men who have issues like the ones you mentioned above and that is why they turn to porn instead of level headed normal men who find fulfillment in a relationship with a real woman? You just did!  
Posted @ Sunday, October 27, 2013 9:18 PM by Burdenedgirl
Maybe....but there are billions of them...perhaps a majority. Sex should be free and fun and easily available. Like a favor you would do a friend not something where payment is demanded and one must be proven worthy.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 29, 2013 1:11 AM by Chess
Chess said: "Sex should be free and fun and easily available. Like a favor you would do a friend not something where payment is demanded and one must be proven worthy." 
 
Sex should be something one respects and treats someone with respect accordingly. Sex shouldn't be a "favor" neither do I think it should neccesarily be something "easily available". That cheapens it. Even disrespects it. It should be a mutually shared event where you are willing to share yourself, respect your own body, respect the body of the person who is willing to share in that event with you, and not hold expectations about what they should be giving you.  
 
And yes, sometimes a person SHOULD have to prove their worth to aquire sex from another. Just as they should have to prove their trustworthyness or their ability to not take advantage of another. No one deserves to be given sex just because it's sex. Having sex with another person requires one putting themselves in a vulnerable spot. Whenever you put yourself in a vulnerable spot with another, the other person should have to prove that they are worthy of that and won't abuse it. I have no idea why you believe sex is something you simply deserve. It should very much be something any human being earns because it's a incredibly vunerable act for both parties.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 29, 2013 12:20 PM by Me
Post by "me" I couldn't agree more. These posts on here by men completely disgust me. They have absolutely no respect for women and think they are superior to women and we should just now down to them and give them their every desire when they want it. It's absurd that so many men feel this way and believe degrading women for their own sick pleasures is acceptable.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 29, 2013 1:01 PM by Erica
Thanks, I agree Erica. It's so ludicris to believe that you should just be given sex. Especially since based on my own experiences, men usually are very selective about who they get into relationships with. Yet there is this expectations today that you need to sleep with him right away even though he will make you wait to see if you are "relationship material". I am astounded that anyone would actually believe they deserve sex.  
 
There seems to be a lot of anger at women in porn and I think it's being more largely reflected toward women in real life. Degrading women has become a source of pleasure for too many men. Men that probably even love their mothers, love their sisters, have daughters of their own. It's really time for men to ask themselves what their *true* feelings about women are and to take a serious look at what they are attracted to through porn and what that may reflect about how he feels about women. Do you like seeing women get slapped around an called names? Or do you like seeing a woman enjoy herself? And I am not talking about "porno enjoyng herself" where it's a big act put on for the man anyway. I bet a lot of men don't even want to ask themselves those hard quetsions because of what they are afraid it reflects about their true beliefs and attitudes to women. IT's a shame that it's come to this but you can not ignore the leven of misognism and anger directed toward women from men in porn and the subsequent beliefs and anger at women who don't just sleep with a guy because he wants it. I mean, grow up. I doubt any of these men jumped into relationships with the ease they expet women to spread their legs for them. They don't even once talk about what they have to sincerely offer a woman or not once mention what they can do to please her or what he offers her.WHich only further cements their own disconnect with women as human beings and fellow people vs what they seem to really want:Living sex dolls.  
 
I am utterly stunned by the most recent comments from the guys that are whining that they actually have to earn sex or that it's exciting to think about women being robots for sex. Unbelievable, demented, scarey and I believe these men need to take a serious look at themselves to figure out what in the world is going on with themselves.
Posted @ Tuesday, October 29, 2013 1:36 PM by Me
Erica, these men are hooked on porn. they are a perfect example of how porn effects a mans thinking. how the denigration of women, constantly, in the harshest of ways creates such a hate for woman and seeing them as a thing to be used, not as a person. these men are exactly proving our point why porn is so harmful to women, girls, relationships, society as a whole, not to mention themselves. how pathetic that a person will reduce others to a thing to be used. this kills the spirit inside. they do not live well.
Posted @ Thursday, October 31, 2013 8:53 AM by seabeyond
I'm not angry at anyone, just my own bad luck. If I could I'd take a sexual relationship with a woman any day but I've had terrible luck with that and haven't had much real sex in over two decades. So I use porn and masturbate. But I stop in a second if I could find someone to have sex with. I think a lot of guys are in the same boat as me.
Posted @ Friday, November 15, 2013 1:42 PM by Everhopeful
Honestly reading some of the comments I think they are bored with you it's just not natural to be hitting the same thing over and over it is predictable and boring. men are supposed to spread their seed far and wide women are wired totally different which is why they are confused. 
 
Personally I like public sex videos a couple doing it on a beach and a crowd gathers and watches..it's shocking but exciting.
Posted @ Wednesday, November 20, 2013 6:12 AM by mark
My husband mine as well go ahead and be with another woman since he already jerks off to porn/other ladies and doesn't do it to me nor does he have sex with me, or make love. nothing.  
 
He gives it to other girls that are more his style I guess? He fantasy fu#ks them. To me the difference between his mind and body being with other women is no different than if his mind and body are with a tangible one. It hurts just the same.  
 
Of course the latter I MIGHT 'prefer' b/c at least she can bring emotions to the table probably making it less desirable for him but then again he'll probably choose a call girl. He has in the past! There's at least two that I know of, one was with his ex-wife when they had a threesome, then another when (I think) he was separated with his wife.  
 
He's told me in the past, after I found out he watches porn, when I spent almost ten years believing him that he did not b/c he has me blah, blah...  
At first he denied watching it then reluctantly was truthful (essentially he had no choice b/c there was no denying it) and told me it was none of my god damn business! Hmmm I think it is when we are not having sex. He said any man who told you he doesn't is a liar and he will never tell me the truth about it again.  
 
I guess it's a couple months later and now claims he has not since he knows how much it bothers me.  
I guess a decent summation would be I ruined it for him?  
 
I told him that physically he needs to 'release' especially if he was doing so in the past and he has not 'released' with me :'( Hence he must be releasing with the other internet gals as he's done all along :'(  
 
He is expecting I will believe him AGAIN that he has not 'released' to porn or other women, which of course I do not. I KNOW he has been,and I don't think he'll ever stop :(  
 
I wish he wouldn't play me as gullible and dumb. I would appreciate his candor and perhaps try (again) to explore what is it that these other women can 'have' you and I cannot? You know, try to work with it as opposed to against it which gets us nowhere!  
 
FYI  
1) I do not mean to sound cocky (no pun intended HeeHee) but I am by no means unattractive! My measurements surpass some playboy gals, I think (& I've been told) my face is beautiful/stunning and I can make heads turn even in my jammy pants, no make-up (which I don't really wear anyway) and messed up hair. Of course there is always room for improvements-I'm a perfectionist and of course a woman ;) I am also highly educated and he is too.  
 
2) My husband is in his early 50s and I am in my late thirties.  
I think my hubby is the epitome of what a 'dream' man should be. He doesn't think so but I sure do! He's also loving, kind, giving, brilliant, the hardest working man I know, and I could go on & on but this 'one' thing has shredded my heart.  
 
3) Our past love life could be described as worse than rabbits:)!!!!! Hmmm, all or nothing?  
 
I accounted his lack of drive was due to some medicines he began to take, his age, and life stressors. His medicine does play a role but I guess not too much since he's been active all along, just without me :(  
 
The pain can be overwhelming at times. I just don't understand him wanting to be with the Internet gals (or whomever he is with) other than me or somehow including me or 'cueing' me into his world. I don't think he does any live via computer cam interaction sex, or visits chat rooms etc I think it's mostly porn, or some movie stars he's been (secretively) obsessed with.  
 
I sadly think on occasion that I will be a born-again virgin forever and that sucks especially since I am in my prime. I cannot even fathom NEVER having sex again! OMG :0!!!  
 
I want him, I want it badly but nothing :'( I've tried dressing up, talking sexy, etc to no avail. I really do not anymore b/c I can no longer take the rejection NOW that I know what's he's been up to-another pun LOL;)  
 
I know I cannot believe him (again) as much as I want to. :'(  
okay, here I go playing dumb (AGAIN) perhaps that is why he has treated me so. Hmm think I had an epiphany!  
Do you think it's POSSIBLE he is being truthful this time?  
 
Yes, I know, if WAS READING THIS I would be thinking REALLY?!? Are you serious! OMG how could you even say that! What the heck are you thinking! etc etc.  
 
Please help!  
advice, constructive criticism, ANYTHING!  
I'm at a complete loss.  
 
I appreciate whomever stuck this out and read what I wrote.  
 
It means A LOT to me especially when I have no one else to share this with.  
 
Thank you. 
Posted @ Thursday, November 21, 2013 3:02 AM by mnweim
I'm reading everyone's comments and some of them help. My husband of six years secretly watches porn. And when I catch him, he tries to tell me it's just something he's done his whole life and has nothing to do with me -- he even looks hurt that I am hurt -- but I was a stripper for eight years before I met him -- I know firsthand what those men think based off of what they have said to me. I am not proud of my past and maybe I deserve this -- because now I know firsthand what it's like to be the woman who shares a life with that man who thinks and wishes to act on those thoughts. I won't do everything he sees in porn -- I fear that the porn will make him desensitized to me -- that he will no longer see me when we make love but instead resort to the porn reel in his head. I fear that one day porn won't be enough -- and if I don't comply -- then he will find someone that will. No matter what I read and research -- I'm still just not understanding. Maybe I don't really want to understand. Help? My heart hurts something terrible. :(
Posted @ Monday, January 06, 2014 1:08 AM by Brooke
My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years,and just found out he has been looking at porn,I feel so betrayed and hurts more than I can handle.I feel like I'm not good enough ,sexy or pretty.And yes it feels like he has cheated on me,because that's exactly what he has done,even if he never touched ALL those women,he would have if he could had and I know it.Not sure what I'm gonna do stay or leave.I don't think I could ever trust him again and you can't have a marriage without trust.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 07, 2014 12:46 PM by lisa
I had a major talk with my husband...and, he has agreed to get counseling, as well as try different methods of deferment when he gets the desire to view porn. While I am hopeful, I am doubtful, although I know I need to forgive him and trust he won't do it anymore. I am not letting him know I am doubtful..not sure if that's good or bad...if I'm only enabling him to keep up his habit by forgiving him. But, our plan is for him to come to me as soon as he gets the desire. And, if I'm not in the mood, we will talk and read the Bible....especially Matthew where it is stated that looking at another woman with lust in your eye is the same as adultery. (not verbatim from the Bible, but my interpretation.) Has anyone else tried these things..or anything they can suggest that has helped their marriage? Even though we have reconciled...I still look at him with a pain in my heart...I hate not trusting him.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 07, 2014 4:10 PM by Brooke
I will post later just wanted to let Brooke (FYI we have a LOT in common!) and Lisa know how much I appreciated you sharing. The feelings, despair and pain resonate with me all too much. 
Brooke I put myself through grad/post grad etc in ways I was not proud of and sometimes i too think I deserve this. I don't like being on the 'other side' when it comes to feelings, my heart. 
 
it's late and back to bed with my snoring hubby (*sigh*). I remember the days he used to put me to sleep exhausted and satisfied with sex, WITH LOVE! 
 
My very best to you both! I hope to post soon! 
 
xo
Posted @ Wednesday, January 15, 2014 2:10 AM by mnweim
Even though I can understand how women in relationships can feel betrayed, hurt and worthless I can understand the problem from a single man's perspective. 
 
Masturbation and pornography isn't just a problem in a marriage, it's a problem full stop. Men who do this as a single man do not suddenly stop once they're committed or married, the problem just doesn't go away. Lust for men is a difficulty, I for one, even though not in a committed relationship have desired to end my behaviour for sometime although the urges can be difficult to restrain. Sometimes something innocent like watching a music video can put a thought in your mind, that thought can grow until a sexual urge is present, a physical feeling. It can make you agitated, no outlet. I am already thinking about my wife even though I haven't hurt her yet, i'd rather be single and hurt no-one than burden a potential wife and family. 
 
Single Male, 25.
Posted @ Friday, April 11, 2014 9:58 AM by Heisenberg
has anyone said anything about no masturbation? I do not think that is an issue, with all of us, no gender specific there. the problem comes in the porn. the use of porn. as a tool to get off. 
 
are you saying, you can no longer get off to imagination only? you need the abuse, denegration of women, submissiveness of women, humiliation, violence and force to get off? 
 
that is a/the problem.
Posted @ Friday, April 11, 2014 10:54 AM by seabeyond
You can't masturbate without a sexually exciting image (whether than be on a computer or in your imagination). I personally feel it comes from the same place. Plus, it may start with a thought, next time it's an image, next time a half naked woman, before you know it you're looking at something hardcore and awful. (If I do something I don't want to do then what chance have those who justify what they do). 
 
Lust is lust.
Posted @ Friday, April 11, 2014 5:19 PM by Heisenberg
Heisenberg, do you really not *want* to do it? People repeat behaviors that give them some kind of "pay-off". Whether that "pay-off" is healthy or not. The real question we should be asking ourselves is why men let pornography and those who make pornogrpahy write and script their sexuality for them. What we should be asking ourselves is what is lacking within yourself and in other men, that they repeat a pattern of pornography. I have to tell you, pornography and why men keep turning to it goes way beyond just lust and masturbation. We see very real thoughts men are withholding from women, about women, in pornography and men's excitment of it. It's time for men to own those broken places inside them and begin to unwrap the knotted mess they've gotten into when it comes to porn. Do you want to spend your entire life jerking-off to something you don't even seem to like or do you want a healthy relationship with women? Eventually it comes down to what is a bigger pay off for you. Immediate gratification even when unhealthy, or growing as a man and relating to women an a level that is entirely new and engaging.
Posted @ Friday, April 11, 2014 5:29 PM by Me
i found out that my boyfriend watches porn from the internet. i asked him why does he have to since i am here.he just replied, "i just like"....what do you think does it mean? because for me, it means i am not good enough for him...please help. thank you
Posted @ Saturday, April 12, 2014 7:57 AM by brends
Heisenberg, Thanks for sharing your perspective and experience as a male. You're right that pornography and masturbation are a problem for men whether in a relationship or not. Lust for almost all men is a big struggle. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, April 12, 2014 2:21 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
I'm also a guy who hasn't had sex in over two decades and I agree that if a real woman was available I'd never use porn again. I'm older now and women are no longer interested but when I was young I had lots of dates and relationship and never started using porn until the partner sex stopped. I believe that most men given the choice of partner sex with somebody new and porn will take the partner sex every time.
Posted @ Saturday, April 12, 2014 3:14 PM by ToaT
Toat, stop blaming women for why *you* use porn. You use porn because *you* choose to. Not because anything women are or aren't doing for you. I am so sick an tired of men not taking responsibility for this part of their own lives. Further, given the choice of partner sex or porn, most men choose both. That's why so many men today look at porn even while in relationships. They want both. And they don't care about what the material they look at and support is saying about women and how it abuses or devalues women. It's a serious problem in our culture. A serious problem men like you don't like to examine too closely. It's not woman's fault what *you* choose to look at. And if you seriously think after two decades of porn viewing on a regular basis, that you'd just give up after you started seeing to someone, you are seriously lying to yourself. That is not how it goes for the majority of men out there. Hence why 95% of men look at porn despite having fabulous, loving, sexual, kind, women out there. Even women who have given them kids. Nothing is good enough for men nowadays because you have all warped yourself to all the pornography of the world.
Posted @ Sunday, April 13, 2014 11:44 AM by Me
Well maybe if they went 20 years without skin to skin sex they wouldn't watch porn anymore given the choice. Despite what you say, I reiterate that if I could find someone who would have real life sex with me I would NEVER look at porn again....believe that for me, it has ALWAYS been the poor second choice for sexual release.
Posted @ Sunday, April 13, 2014 12:04 PM by ToaT
Yes 'me' I genuinely don't want to do it, unless i'm lying to myself. This has been a problem for me since a young age - the allure of a beautiful women. I am driven towards it and I detest it. 
 
I think some blokes (at least the ones I know) can be selfish, some think they deserve it all. I'm talking ones that cheat on their partners, who can get away with it, as long as they don't get caught. Although not all are like that. Some women can be the same. I don't think a women can save a bloke from their problem... they had it before they met you and their habit continued.  
 
So, I think there are some men who are openly selfish and would justify what they do... and there are some who genuinely would rather not have this troublesome addiction.
Posted @ Sunday, April 13, 2014 12:51 PM by Hesienberg
"Lust for almost all men is a big struggle. -Kurt" 
 
I know you are being the compassionate you. and all this does is validate behavior. today, the world seems ot be all about the erection. every second of all of our days. and then we wonder why, that is the main focus of so many lives.  
 
men identify their manhood today in their sexuality. we are all made to live the male erection. we hold male sexuality up as being the be all/end all of existence. and then we wonder why so many men, who are constantly fed the naked woman, is having a tough time to actually having a life. male lust is doable. it is not a great struggle. and the more we coddle the belief, the more we feed the issue.  
 
in order to maintain this mentality, we have to totally dismiss womans sexuality. her libido. her lust. because she is only their to perform. she is only their as a tool, for the great male erection. 
 
your post feeds the problem, not address the issue.
Posted @ Sunday, April 13, 2014 3:26 PM by seabeyond
ToaT, I think you are still missing my point. The reality is that the majority of men out there form a relationship with pornography in their very early formative years, like around 9-12 years old. They look at porn a lot during those years because most boys that age don’t have a steady sexual partner. Then boys grow into men, that still do not know, have never figured out, and show very little desire, to develop their own sexuality separate from pornogrpahy. Most men don’t only use porn because they haven’t had sex for 20 years. Most men use pornography in conjecture with their real relationships even when they have a willing partner. And usually, most men are for the most part, looking at the same age group of girls even as they get older, and their female peers get older. You say you want a real woman. So what do you actually *do* to pursue that? Have you actually put in any real work in improving yourself or improving your understanding of women? Men usually do not actually put much effort into understanding women or themselves on a deeper level. You say it’s because you are older and unattractive. Well no offense but it’s not women that are sitting around masturbating to 18 year old boys. Women want real relationships and are no where as near shallow as men tend to be when it comes to what they are looking for in a mate. Especially as women get older. Of course, perhaps you are 40 something and looking to bang 20 year olds..something a lot of 40 year old men feel entitled to. Possibly because of all the porn they spend their time looking at that gives them the idea women are simply there for them to use sexually. Especially younger women.
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 11:41 AM by Me
 
Hesienberg, please spare me the “I’m just a man and I can’t resist a beautiful woman” speech. Stop buying into the lie pornography sold you about your sexuality. Which is something akin to you having no power to resist “a beautiful woman”. And please stop trying to make it seem like it’s such a compliment to women and their “beauty” when you are in your room, jerking off to 18 year olds with breast implants that are paid to cater to a man’s every whim..often times in porn..abusive whims!  
 
Guess what? There are lots of things in this world I love that are bad for me. I LOVE ice cream. Love it. If I ate it everyday I would be 300 pounds. Heck, if I ate Ice Cream as much as the average man looked at porn, I would be in bad shape. So you know what I do? I don’t buy it. I don’t invite it into my home. I have a hard time resisting it when I have easy access to it. I LOVE to shop. Love having new outfits. If I bought all the new clothes I wanted, I would be poor. My desire for these other things is no less powerful then your desire for sex.  
 
You look at porn because you don’t want to control it. You get some kind of pay off from relaying on your “habit” or “addiction”. Maybe one day you’ll get to the point where you don’t get that pay off, but clearly right now you do.  
 
And seriously, everyone should read seabeyond’s post because she hit the nail on the head. We make everything about male sexuality and how superior it is to all other things. Which has breed this unhealthy attitude where men feel they are exempt from controlling themselves or treating women right. And no. Just because you open doors for women in public but then got home and jack off to “Teen Sluts Volume 10000000000”, where young girls are shown having sex with older men who are calling them names and slapping them around..or doing whatever else has become to physically and verbally abuse women todya in porn, doesn’t mean you are a great guy.  
 
The majority of men today let those who make porn run their sexuality.
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 11:49 AM by Me
Seabeyond, I don't believe I'm "coddling," but rather empathizing with the struggle. I'm well aware that lust in manageable and I teach men how to do it every day. I've found that men are more receptive to overcoming this struggle when they feel understood rather than condemned. -Kurt
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 12:03 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
'Me', may I ask whether you're male or female? I don't tend to think highly of these women in fact, sometimes I blame them for being part of the problem, but at some point I also have to acknowledge my own responsibility. I think these actresses have no care for the typical male and are know what they're doing. Although I am aware there are cases where the 'stars' are manipulated etc. 
 
But look, i'm not looking for a scape-goat but rather a way out. I am aware of its self-destructiveness.  
 
You don't need to answer the first question, i'm now sure you're female. How can you compare ice-cream to a male's struggle with masturbation and pornography? I am not saying food is not addictive for whatever reasons but you cannot compare these things.And what was the point of that little analogy? To reveal how much will-power you have? Then well done you. Well thank you me, you must be one great psychologist or perhaps your greatness hasn't been discovered yet. To say I don't want to control it far from the truth.. I want to put an end to it more than you can imagine.
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 12:57 PM by Heisenberg
....no I'm 60 and I like looking at older women porn especially amateurs....I like to fantasize about the type of girls that under other circumstances I might be able to have a chance with.
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 1:35 PM by ToaT
Heisenberg, yes, I am a female.  
I do not agree with women OR men that choose to do porn. Neither do I think they are terrible people. But the fact of the matter is that most women are not doing porn while most men are infact looking at porn. If you do not think the way men use porn today is not affecting their relationships or their outlook on women, you are naive. There is so much hate and misogny against women in our culture. And I am sorry, liking women’s bodies is not the same thing as actually liking women. It’s time men faced that truth.  
Ironic how you condemn women who do porn yet you make no mention of the men that do. Neither do you acknowledge that majority of people who run the porn business, the people who are in the top tier positions running the show, are other men who are running it for the pleasure of men! Not for the pleasure of women that’s for sure. Some of the things you see done today in porn is so freaking abusive specifically toward women. And men like you LOVE it.  
You don’t think the actresses have care for the typical male? OMG, seriously? Do you know what the average experience is of the majority of female porn stars? Most female pornstars get into the business at very young ages. They do not have the insight, experience or strength to deal with the overwhelming amount of male agents, producers and CEOs that have been running the business for decades. Please check out a website called Pink Cross Foundation where former pornstars talk about the the business. 
Here is a very real statistic. Most female pornstars last in the business 6 months - 1 year. The ones that have careers that extend for years are VERY rare. Even in those cases, those women are still catering to what men want. Certainly not what women want! In that time frame, the female pornstars are increasingly “asked”/”suggested” to do increasingly more degrading and humiliating sexual acts (yeah you and I both know you understand this. Seeing abusive porn is actually the majority of stuff that is out there.) In the majority of porn, men are shown in positions of power over women. In the majority of porn, men are being catered to. In the majority of porn, women are being verbally or physically abused and they are being portrayed as loving their own abuse. Titles of porn movies are built on calling women names. Titles of porn movies are not built on calling men names. Men want to see women abused. And you don’t think the female actresses have a care for the typical male? Yeah because men have really proved that they care about women. Even everyday regular guys that have girlfriends, daughters, sisters, mothers, wives...these regular guys do not care what pornography is conveying about women and their role in sexuality because they get their rocks of on it. 
And yes, I am TOTALLY comparing my lust and desire to consume a certain food or shop with men’s struggle with masturbation and pornography. People have addictions to all kinds of things. Some of them sexual, some of them not. I’m sorry but the male sex drive is not so superior that it’s the only way people feel temptation, lust or desire to do things. And yes you can TOTALLY compare those things. The fact that you revere male sexuality above all else tells me how little control you infact don’t want to have over your own and how much you want to make it seem like men are so special over anything else is so selfish.  
If I ate sweets at the rate today’s average man consumed porn, I’d be 300 pounds. The majority of men out there are maxed out on their porn consumption and they don’t give a flying cow as long as they get their willies off.  
If you want to control it, then take the actual steps to do something about it instead of whining about how superior male sexuality is and how nothing compares to it. My desire to eat junk food is no less hard to over come then your desire to look at porn! Your sexuality is not so special and superior and wrought with strong chemical feelings that it makes it impossible to over come. This is the lie you and other men *want* to believe because if you can believe that somehow male sexuality is beyond your control, then you don’t have to take responsibility for controlling it. You are not the only human being to experience strong intense feelings.
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 4:36 PM by Me
Toat, what exactly is "older women" to you? In the porn world "older women" tend not to be that old. Also, when talking about women, can you just call them "women" instead of "girls". Too often we refer to grown women as "girls" when we don't do the same thing to men. We may call them "guys" but we don't call them "boys"
Posted @ Monday, April 14, 2014 4:43 PM by Me
'ME'  
 
That's why you can't and never will understand what's like to be male. 
 
Me neither, just because I didn't mention that I don't agree it's right for men to partake in porn doesn't mean I don't think that. Plus I believe porn is generally tailored for men, it is designed to allure him in about any way possible. I think they are terrible people. 
 
What so because more men are involved in the problem it means we take a a greater portion of the blame? That to me just shows so many men are in bondage to it, therefore more understanding should be given. I agree some men don't care and think they can do what they like but I genuinely DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. 
 
When did I say that I didn't think it affects men's outlook on women? Please quote me. I do think it warms men's minds, that it is degrading, that it will affect how they perceive women, it will affect both the user and women. I know.... I can see the difference between getting off for the sake of getting off compared to genuine interest/love. So you have pity for these poor money grabbing porn stars yet absolutely no compassion on the male. Well your story is pretty evident. Your experience does't constitute as fact. I am speaking from first hand, not someone outside of a problem looking in. I don't think my sexuality is superior to anything, in fact I find the whole situation quite sad. I know the impact it's had on me so I don't for a second wish not to control it. But if you mean, do I think pornography/masturbation for men is a bigger problem than ice-cream for women i'd say no doubt! A tubby person may have low self-esteem but as long as they're physically able they can exercise. You can't jog-off an urge. I am not excusing behaviour just wanting to highlight it is a real problem and SOME blokes want to change, others don't give a flying hoot. Take actual steps HA! You really do know it all. I know I'm not the only one, but at least I have sympathy for others. If an alcoholic were to die of liver disease I wouldn't preach how he should;ve taken the appropriate steps, gosh! Nothing is won without compassion so I suggest you remove your personal experience from this debate. But again, some men do not care about changing and look after number one - I DO NOT WANT THIS.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 15, 2014 11:19 AM by Heisenberg
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