Why Men in Anger Management Classes Should Be Angry
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Oct 29, 2009
Jason lost his temper a couple of weeks ago and exploded again at Alison. She told him it was the last time and she was leaving. So finally he came to anger management class to get some help.
Jason told me about how he has struggled with anger his whole life. But he also told another story that sounded familiar too. A relationship catch-22 for a lot of men in anger management --
"I explode, and know I shouldn't, but I can't admit having a problem without getting attacked for it.
I'm asked to be superman, and when I fail, I get beat up for it. There's no forgiveness."
Some men in anger management classes are in relationships that would make even Forrest Gump lose his cool. A number of guys feel like they have no voice in things at home, such as parenting decisions. Others feel taken advantage of; they're expected to work all day being the bread winner and then when they get home assume what to them feels like an unfair amount of household and childcare duties.
After a few weeks working on his anger, I asked Jason where things were at with Alison leaving. He said he didn't know. Later he told me when he tried to find out, she replied, "you're still doing your treatments aren't you?" Jason said it makes him really mad that she thinks he's the only on who needs to change anything.
Anger is not a bad emotion. It tells us that something is not right and helps us protect ourselves. Yet many of us don't know how to manage it very well and so it becomes destructive in our lives.
Men like Jason need to learn to manage their anger. However, relationships like Jason's where one partner is seen as the problem and the other with nothing to change are unhealthy, which creates anger that is justified.
In order for some men to become less angry they need more to change in their marriage than their learning anger management skills. They also need their wives to acknowledge that she may need to change some things too.
The anger in your life is telling you that some thing's not right. Are you listening?
What do you think of Jason's anger? Post a comment below.