Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
When you get married you never think you may one day need to ask for advice about divorce. But, unfortunately, there are too many marriages that end up that way and spouses are rarely prepared to handle it. And, although both partners will experience pain and difficulties, men are usually better equipped to get through a divorce than women -- except for one thing.
Even though it continues to change, the gender wage gap still exists and typically men earn more than women. This means that financially men are often in a stronger position. Men may also have more business experience, so it’s possible that managing the legal process will be easier for them as well. However, there is one area of weakness for men, it's one they don't see coming, and it can drown them -- the emotional toll of divorce.
Divorce has 3 key components: legal, financial, and emotional. And the hardest one for men is the emotional part.
Two years ago Jared started marriage counseling with me. He came individually while he and his wife worked in couples counseling with another counselor. Neither of us knew it at the time, but our work was building a life raft for Jared to get in, and sometimes cling to, when he fell (or was pushed) overboard and his life fell apart.
Four months into our counseling, Jared discovered that his wife was having an affair. The news was devastating. He felt blindsided, betrayed, and hurt beyond belief and believed the only option was to get a divorce. Most men don’t go to marriage counseling to get divorce advice, but it’s a good place to be when that’s what you need.
Like many men, Jared was in a much better financial position to go through the divorce than his wife. His job in IT gave him an income that was three times what she made, and as a manager he had experience in negotiations and legal matters which helped greatly during the divorce process. What he wasn't expecting, or prepared for, were the emotions that came, and how overwhelming and debilitating they would become.
Anger, hatred, betrayal, loss, sorrow, hurt, and loneliness were just some of emotions he felt.
Jared found himself caught off-guard when these emotions came on. It wasn’t that he didn’t anticipate feeling sad at all, but the intensity of these feelings and his lack of emotional coping skills left him ill prepared for handling them in a healthy and effective manner. Fortunately, this was one of the many things we had already been working on.
Men by and large are conditioned to ignore or hide their emotions. It isn’t considered strong or manly to express feelings that make you seem vulnerable or weak. So, when it comes to something like divorce (or any other painful situation like death or illness), men struggle to cope. The truth is most men have never learned how to work through painful feelings.
Unfortunately, this can lead to some devastating consequences like depression, struggles with anger, and, in extreme cases, suicidal thoughts. Yes, these even happen for men. So, men need to ask for advice too, especially around divorce.
These emotions along with having to deal with his wife, attorneys, the court system, co-parenting, and building a new life nearly drowned Jared. It became an incredible struggle every day just for him to keep up with his job responsibilities. The weeks the kids were at their mother's and he was alone at home he said the loneliness was suffocating.
Divorce can be like the perfect storm. It doesn't matter how big your ship is, or how knowledgeable of a sailor you are, when the waves are 30 feet tall you're going to be fighting for survival.
Fortunately for Jared, he already had a life raft ready because he had started counseling before he was thrown overboard. Jared and I worked together for a number of months to help him navigate the rough seas of separating and divorce.
He returned to counseling after the divorce was finalized this summer when he realized he hadn't finished working through the emotional baggage the divorce left behind. He was now having problems in his new relationship, which he could see was mostly due to his baggage.
Men, take some divorce advice from Jared and his experience – prepare yourself to deal with the emotional toll divorce will take on you. Jared's a pretty average guy, just like most of you. In fact, he fits the definition of a guy’s guy, he drives a Ford truck, hunts, cracks jokes, and likes an occasional beer, but he's also a smart guy, and he got help dealing with the emotions he couldn't handle himself.
Get a divorce counselor to be your partner in the process, to keep you afloat, to help you make the best decisions, to give you a map to follow, and to help you find new land. Like Jared, you'll be glad you did.
What have you seen be the hardest part of divorce for men?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 29, 2009 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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Again we see the woman doing the gutless affair thing. Men r bad in teens, women get dirty after thirty I reckon. Breaking up a family is messed up. Kids have a dad or do u get new jolly stick? Grass ain't greener. I believe ur first love is ur only love
Thank You
Hi there,
Hi there, I hear what you are saying but in my case, I am the one getting thrown away like a piece of used trash. My husband is on a date with another woman right now, in fact she knows we are married and have two kids. Little kids at that. She even told him that I was HURT, Not angry at him...talk about amazing, she knows I am totally crushed but still goes on a date with him. His whole story is that I 'NEVER LISTEN' The problem is that when I first heard him say that, I spent extra time being quiet so he could talk, and I would patiently wait to say anything, even to clarify because I didn't want to interrupt him. Turns out, even if I was patient, super alternative, at some point he would get angry, say, if I needed clarification or didn't quite understand his reasoning etc. He would blow up and say I wasn't listening. It was awful, it felt like the body snatches had taken my husband. I eventually would say, "who are you?" Anyhow, after trying everything, even a meeting to a counselor, he chose to go off the deep end and on New Year's Day, he said to me in front of the kids, "I'm done with you!"and walked out the door and went out drinking with another female. It hurts so much, I have been through everything with him, I was there, supported him through law school, cared for his dying father, helped and supported his mother when we lived with her, and now, that he has finally made it, he drops me like a bag of trash and tells me he's taking the house and our dogs. I have never, ever cheated on him or even remotely indicated that I would, always there to help him, etc. I don't understand it. Turns out after his counseling meeting, he is a huge alcoholic and I have seen him drinking so much lately so for your info, the ladies aren't always the ones screwing the men over. :.) Take care, I hope things have gotten better for you.
Uhm. I am a 32 year old woman with four little boys 8, 7, 5,& 3. My husband was staying at a hotel. We filed divorce. So he is letting another woman drive my van at the hotel. He left the kids in the hotelto give her a ride. Shedrove thecar back. It has my family stickers on there lego mom dad fourboys. And memorial prints for my 3 month old who just passed last spring. I never cheated him ever ever. So he is imagining things. Im unemployed momny and student. I mean he runs 2stores mostly cash. He doesnt report that cash and had money saved well thats gone. Twice he did that. He dwindled his buisness accounts. I mean hitting me and the children. Hes 40 im 32. Idk he is immigrent from palestine village atara.
Michelle, His hitting you and the kids is not okay. I don't know where you live, but if he does it again do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself and kids from any dangerous situations. -Dr. Kurt