Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one gets married expecting to get divorced. But unfortunately divorce happens all too often, and when it does getting the right divorce advice is crucial.
A guy I worked with a few years ago returned to counseling last month. When Daren and I first started working together, he came to marriage counseling to help save his marriage. He ended up deciding to get a divorce and our work transitioned into divorce counseling.
While we were catching up on how much his life has changed over the past year now that his divorce is final, he said the following:
The best divorce advice I ever got was from you. You told me to be very careful who I took advice from and you were really right."
Where does divorce advice comes from? Well, as it turns out, everywhere. But whether it’s good advice or not is a different story.
When Daren was struggling to save his marriage there was no shortage of people who gave him advice on what they thought he should do -- leave her, stay, take a break for a while, etc. When he separated and filed for divorce the advice giving only increased.
As the divorce was happening, everyone he knew had suggestions for him. In our counseling meetings I cautioned him to be careful who he listened to because most people, even though they have good intentions, lack the expertise to really have good, effective divorce advice.
Family members, friends, work associates, neighbors -- the list was endless of people Daren knew who were married, divorced, or had had relationships go bad. Almost all of them had advice for him that they thought was good -- and some of it was.
The problem for Daren was that he couldn't tell the good advice from the bad advice. His head was already swimming with all of his own thoughts and questions, and the endless advice he kept getting only confused, overwhelmed and paralyzed him.
So, Daren and I put a plan together to help him. We decided he would stop talking about his divorce to all but a couple of people. He chose to rely on me, his divorce counselor, for advice. He also kept sharing with his best friend what was happening just to be able to talk to someone but got no advice. He had started dating and a new female friend became an emotional support. That was it.
When people would ask him about his divorce, ex, or the kids, he'd ask them if they could please talk about something else. Since these people cared about him it was usually no big deal to get them to respect his request. After Daren implemented this strategy, getting through his divorce became a little easier.
Divorce advice is clearly everywhere. Each divorce is different, however, and most advice is pretty generic.
I will caution you, as I did Daren, to be careful from whom you accept advice. Here are 3 additional tips for you to consider if you feel divorce is inevitable:
If you're where Daren was, struggling in your marriage or going through a divorce, learn from his divorce success story and be very careful who you take advice from. When you take advice on your marriage or divorce, be sure it's from an objective, knowledgeable and experienced professional. The risks are too high to settle for anything less than the wisdom of an expert.
What's the best divorce advice you ever got? Please comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published January 12, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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My wife recently asked for a separation. I am not taking it well. We have been together for 11 years and have a 7 year old daughter. I could move back to my mom's but that sounds like hell and it's honestly embarrassing. I'm a trademan, I want to live in my house that I maintain and improve. Renting sounds awful especially in this housing crisis with 0 affordable options. I made a mistake, I wanted to disappear for a few days and tell no one as to "appear suicidal" but in my mind that action would have shown her what life was like without me. That scenario went over and over and I told her about it. I told her so that I could not follow through with that stupid idea. I should have just kept it to myself but now I'm here telling anyone who will listen.
Jacob, Your idea was right - "shown her what life was like without me." As you know, the approach wasn't the best and you usually can't accomplish that goal in only a couple of days. This is actually what a separation can accomplish if it's done right with the right plan. So I wouldn't be so resistant to separating, but I'd do everything you can to have a plan in place first. -Dr. Kurt
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. Two daughters. One working and the other on her way to college. And two 9-year-olds dogs who I’m the one who takes care of them. About 8 years ago our relationship started to disintegrate. The last three we've been living separated. The separation was briefly talked about and circumstances led us to be living in different countries first and then states. Still, we maintain and share a good relationship and whenever he needs me I am there 100%. And so does he.
The reason he doesn't want to divorce us is financial. To keep the capital together so it continues growing, to eventually pass it on to the kids. I understand that part. But a month ago on his birthday, he replied to romantic texts messages to a woman who wished him happy birthday that mistakenly went to my sister. My sister made me aware of them and I calmly asked him about them and denied the whole thing at the beginning. Eventually (next day), he accepted it because I read them to him on his way to the airport to fly fly to the country I am from (we have business there), where that woman lives.
To me it was shocking. The feelings that knowing it brought to me… And although I understand that he obviously had moved on, it shook me to know it like that. After realizing that, I started to think that he was having the best of his two worlds. He had just been here spending Thanksgiving, his birthday, Christmas, and New Year with us and now he was flying abroad to see his girlfriend!
I am so upset and sad. I knew that someday that was going to happen but I didn't want to find out like that. He said he didn't say anything because he didn't want to hurt me. But I feel betrayed. The fact that he had to find someone from the country I am from. I feel devastated! So I finally said that there was no need to continue like the way we had. Unfortunately, we never talked seriously about the separation and it was time. Maybe I needed a push to deal with that situation. And now that I had it, that we should divorce. I have to say that he asked me a few times to go to therapy, but we had already spent so much in therapy that was not working that to me it was draining to think about it again. He has a drinking problem and I don't like him when he drinks. He drinks to get drunk. And I, being tired of it, just let the time pass. I know I have changed. Reason why we are good friends and have great time when we’re together in family. He still drinks. Not as much as he used to but still drinks. But now I feel sad, lost and, lonely.
I want to look forward to my future and move on, even though it hurts me so much because I love him and I know I will lose him.
We failed to set boundaries when separated and now it's too late. I never tried to meet anyone during this time because somehow I felt emotionally attached and legally to him too.
He still tells me that I am the most important person in his life and I will always be, and so does he for me but I question his thinking because I asked for the divorce. I don't want to hurt him financially. I just want a fair outcome. He worries about where my settlement will end up. That someone will take advantage of me... Really?
So he is looking for a way to do something legally without getting a divorce.
I am so confused. It’s been too many years in limbo. I don’t know what to do. In the meantime I am reading every article about divorce and marriage problems possible to identify what’s going on with me.
Sometimes I want the divorce, sometimes I want him back and restore our marriage. Sometime I want to agree to a real separation. We can’t even have a leg separation in the state we are residents. I just want to wake up in the morning and think that it was just a bad dream. I need this to be over.
Lonely and confused.
Maria, Go to therapy (without him) and get the mental and emotional support you need. This is a very difficult path to navigate alone (or with only the limited support of family and friends). - Dr. Kurt
This article offers valuable and practical advice for men navigating divorce. The insights on emotional healing and personal growth make it a must-read for anyone facing this challenging transition. A great resource for finding strength and clarity during difficult times.
Great advice on handling divorce! The insights on avoiding overwhelming advice and focusing on professional guidance are invaluable.