Marriage Separation - How Do You Tell The Kids?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Sep 26, 2009
Adam was busted.
Months of avoiding, hiding, and lying came to an end when Lori found all the email messages. She confronted him about who the woman was and he admitted he was having an affair.
She told him to pack his bags and get out. "Before you leave" she added, "you need to tell the kids."
Adam called in a panic. He said he needed to talk with a marriage counselor ASAP. He didn't want to tell his kids and didn't want the marriage separation to affect them.
When we talked, Adam was convinced, as was Lori, that the kids knew nothing about what was going on. They both said they hadn't fought or discussed anything in front of them.
I explained to him why they were wrong about their kids not knowing anything. Kids know when things aren't right between their parents, and most of the time they have known for a long time. They don't know the details, but they know -- kids just feel it.
Adam and I talked about why the best thing parents can do is to be honest with their kids. It's damaging to children to tell them that things are fine when they can feel that they aren't. This confuses them and makes it hard for them to trust what they feel and think; which can have horrible consequences on their ability to make good decisions as they get older.
Here's how to tell your kids you're separating:
- Do It together. It didn't matter what the circumstances were or who was at fault, Adam and Lori had to tell their kids what was happening and they needed to do it together. They didn't need to share the details about why. They just need to tell them that Adam was going to live somewhere else for right now.
- Use a Script. Write out beforehand the points you want to cover. This will help you to keep from forgetting something important and also to keep you on only the necessary points.
- Give Them a Schedule. Using the script we put together, Adam and Lori sat down with their kids and he told them where he would be staying and the schedule of when he would be visiting them. Both he and Lori reassured them that they still loved them and would still be a regular part of their lives, and that their routines would not be affected.
- Stay Calm. Kids need to be reassured as best as you can that their world is not ending. Keep in mind that, depending upon their age, they've probably heard stories from other kids about parents separating and divorcing. These stories probably left them confused and filled with a lot of fear about what happens when parents separate.
- Don't Blame or Demean. Because of how angry and hurt both Lori and Adam were, I had to caution them to be very careful not to be blaming or demeaning of the other parent in front of their kids. This is a time for both parents to be supportive of each other's role as a parent; be actors if necessary. You may be failing as husband and wife, but you can still be successful as parents.
With some marriage counseling Adam and Lori successfully told their kids that he was leaving temporarily, and they did it together. If your marriage is separating, you can too.
If you've ever separated, how did you tell your kids? Share your story in the comments below.