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Husband Midlife Crisis & Wives' Biggest Mistake


Husband Midlife CrisisA husband midlife crisis can easily push the 'Mrs. Fix-it' button in wives. Typically the need to fix problems is more of a problem for men, but it can be hard for all of us to see our partner lost, hurting, and self-destructive. So thus when you believe your husband is having a midlife crisis it can be very hard to do nothing.

Yet one of the biggest mistakes wives make with a husband midlife crisis is pushing him to fix it. Often times wives' responses, although well intended, just drive their husbands even more deeper into a midlife crisis.

A wife of a husband having a midlife crisis asked me two weeks ago to give her some guidance on what to do for her husband. So what's a wife to do?

Here are 5 husband midlife crisis dos and don'ts:

#1 - Give Him Space. Although this will be hard for wives to hear, many times one of the contributors to a husband midlife crisis is their relationship with their wife. Please note that I wrote 'contributor' not 'cause.' It's important that wives hear that difference and not be personally hurt that they could be part of the problem.

Wives have to remember that they're not going to be able to fix their husband's midlife crisis - only he can do that. The best way to help him to choose for himself to do this is not to push too hard and make him feel worse. So give him space.

#2 - Don't Label the Problem. It's okay to seek to understand what's happening with your husband, but be careful what you call it. For a lot of men any kind of suggestion of a mental health problem, such as a midlife crisis or depression, is a big, big turn off. If you label his problem you could very easily lose his willingness to listen to your suggestions of ways to help.

#3 - Don't Focus on Symptoms. The reason for this is very similar to the reason not to label the problem. It's very possible that your husband already may feel that you either 'nag' him or only see the things he does wrong. Although your intent is to help him, by pointing out the husband midlife crisis symptoms, it's very possible he will only hear you 'criticizing' him. 

#4 - Comment on Harmful Changes. Rather than pointing out husband midlife crisis symptoms, suggest ways the changes are hurting him. You can do this by making observations such as, "I notice that you don't seem to enjoy playing golf anymore," or "you seem more stressed and need to drink a lot more to relax."

#5 - Give Hints at the Possible Problem. Another reason not to focus on the symptoms of a husband midlife crisis is because what's a whole lot more important is discovering what the underlying cause could possibly be. When you have an idea of the possible causes you can be a lot more helpful. Some causes of midlife crisis for men I've worked with recently have been not getting that promotion last year and now feeling stuck in a career that has stagnated; he really doesn't enjoy being a father (sorry, but this can be true); unhappy in the marriage; dissatisfied with how his life has turned out.

A husband midlife crisis can be very complicated. Often there are multiple causes for a midlife crisis. How wives respond can make a huge difference in the responses of their husbands. Although, I must say that husbands' responses are their responsibility, and even though wives can be big influencers, ultimately the response is all up to him.

There are typically psychological issues occurring during a midlife crisis as well, so getting the help of a professional counselor is very important. Until then, wives can best help their husband midlife crisis by not being "Mrs. Fix-it" and following the above recommendations.

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My husband also has done the exact same thing after 30 years of marriage I woke up one morning and he was gone along with our 2 vehicles and every cent we had. Has not spoken to me in 2 years. I believed we had a perfect marriage but the last 2 months he became withdrawn and when I asked him what was wrong he snapped at me and He was someone I had never seen before, with an smirk on his face. I have come to believe he had planned to do what he did because I could not understand how or why this happened. this caused me to become severly depressed and took me the last 2 years to believe I did not deserve what he did. It distroyed our relationships with our grown children and somehow because of my depression they blamed me for thier dad leaving the way he did. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Posted @ Wednesday, October 31, 2012 11:05 PM by wendy
I have seen 'the smirk' too, it is awful. Wendy this is why people tell us to 'be kind to ourselves', 'look after No. 1', choose to 'be a survivor not a victim'. At first I was offended by such 'simple' solutions. It's taken me 12mths but I now understand. We must deal with the grief but not let it overcome the person that we are or our lives and other relationships will fall apart. We need to take each day at a time, respect the pain and the grief and let it come and go but find ways of getting back to our normal selves. If we are overcome by the situation, negative, bitter and depressed a)we don't feel good about ourselves b)get stuck and let life pass us by and c) cause people to distance themselves as we don't resemble the person that they love and they start to believe that we are not doing anything to help ourselves and they stop helping us too. Drop your expectations to a level that you can cope with but set little goals (even if it is getting up) to make your life a little better, in little ways, everyday. Read THE REALITY SLAP by RUSS HARRIS - buy from UK Book Depository.
Posted @ Wednesday, October 31, 2012 11:29 PM by Amanda
1st post to this article - reposted. 
I think my 40yo husband is having a midlife crisis but how do you know for sure? We have been together 23yrs and, I thought, happily married for 16yrs with 3 beautiful children (9,7,4). He was having an affair with 30yo co-worker for a year and then after I found out he obliging came to marriage counselling and then when she returned from an overseas holiday he ended the marriage with 'I don't have the same feelings anymore, I'm just delaying the inevitable' and that was it. He started a relationship with her weeks later and then moved in with her only 10weeks after ending our relationship. He is sooo removed from me, no empathy, no consideration, little care. Not like him at all. I understand this could just part of a stage of maturation. My psych. says we don't know if it is a MC or not. I know I can move past it all if this man returns more mature and having learnt some valuable life lessons ready to build a more enriching relationship. I know he is not wanting that now, he appears to be fully absorbed in his new path. I feel he is running away from things as it is easier. I would like to recover our relationship but how long do I wait for a MLC to pass. I have done all the WRONG things initially but I've finally got to a place where I have let go. I'm hanging in there but it is incredibly hard to constantly be asking myself whether I should wait for him. I'm healing and getting my life back on track but I don't won't to start dating etc until I know for sure that there is absolutely no chance to restore our marriage. A little early to decide when his new 'above board', living together relationship is only 6mths old. 
Posted @ Thursday, November 01, 2012 4:25 PM by Amanda
I'm married 25years and have been with my husband for 34years, since we were 15yrs old. He has been caught hvng affr with 30yr old coworker. Told me he dosnt love me anymr,feels nothing 4 me, not attracted 2 me, would jmp out of bed and run if i intiated sex, tld me he dsn't want to work it out. Went to couseling and he made no effort. I now believe he is addicted to porn. Everythg is a secrt, pscds, phone, computer, etc. Found porn websites on compter many times in history. My son caught him looking at porn yrs ago and I caught him when I saw the reflection in the window. My son also was the one to catch him texting the girl. He has admitted to going in porn chat rooms in counseling. Referred to it as "innocent fun". He's also obssd with exerz and hz looks. He's a complete stranger, weird. total perslty change. I'm so confuzd. I can't believe this is happening. I havent wkd in 25yrs,scared. Thought we were forever. It's been 3 yrs and I want to leave but I hate to let go of my family unit. I always thought he was a family man. What happened to my life?
Posted @ Sunday, December 09, 2012 2:49 AM by dana
I am 49 years old, married 16 years to a great spouse and we have a teenager. I meet all the "symptoms" of a man in a midlife crisis. We have had been separated twice over a 2 year span with the last one lasting 6 months. I moved back in just before Thanksgiving and told her a few days after Christmas I didn't feel the love I needed to feel to keep our marriage intact and we needed to divorce. She has been very supportive of me, but I lack what it takes to reciprocate. She immediately packed up my personal belongings and told me to leave, which I did. I was ok with it for about a day in a half when reality set in. She has told me I'm having a midlife crisis and up until I actually researched it myself, didn't think it was me. How wrong I was. Now what? I went from having everything to not knowing where I will lay my head at night. She has given me many opportunities (3 - 4) and I may have burned my last bridge.
Posted @ Sunday, December 30, 2012 2:05 PM by Doug
Doug, I love the way you refer to your partner as 'great'. That means you obviously have respect but for her to give you a chance you must have more than that. She deserves so much more. Even after being betrayed I still refer to my husband as a 'beautiful' man. I am here...and willing to try even after his choice to commence a r'ship with his affair partner...women can be very forgiving if they have love for a person but you my friend need to earn her trust and respect back as you broke her heart the day you told her you didn't 'feel the love' and she is not going to set herself up for another fall. She needs to see that you have changed, that you have grown and to be honest I don't hear that in your words. I just hear someone who isn't finding life easy on their own. I don't know whether your true reality could set in in a day and a half. You distanced yourself and I don't hear a man who is longing to rekindle the love. It may be unrealistic to think you'd be flooded with loving feelings when they have been lost but I believe you would be flooded with a want for her love. My suggestion is to let her know that your are thinking about reconciliation but you need to be honest with her about where you're at. Even if that is, I don't know whether it will work. You need to let her know what your plan is to try and re-establish the relationship. But, you need to do this away from her. Find yourself, on your own feet. From here trust, honesty, communication, patience and time are going to be your best friend.  
P.S I only wish I was talking to my husband
Posted @ Tuesday, January 01, 2013 10:31 PM by Amanda
Thank you Amanda for your kind, straight forward words. You are so right that I'm finding it difficult to be on my own. When I was away for 6 months and to the end of that "hiatus" I was actually finding my happiness, however looking back, it wasn't enough time. I was sharing a house with a friend and was not "alone". My wife suggested I rent my own place, but to keep costs down I opted against it. That in itself speaks volumes about being alone. I will have to find my own place, I know. I did "rush" back into my home at the end of the 6 months and this was a concern for everyone involved. My justification and it is true, I was "wearing out my welcome" where I was staying. This friend did me a huge favor for the time I was there. My wife and I haven't spoke since I left only through texting. She said we will speak when we return to the marriage counselor/mediator. I've been here before with her and like I said, I may have burned that last bridge. My heart is broken and you're absolutely right, she is better than "great". I have fought with myself over the years by not putting her first and above my own needs. I will ask for reconciliation when we meet and know in my heart that if it doesn't work out, I can only blame myself.
Posted @ Wednesday, January 02, 2013 8:11 AM by Doug
Help!!!! I belive my husband is going through this crazy emotional time also. His mom passed early last year and we inherited a lot of money things were great and progressing fast as was his strange child like mentality, I love him but we had started to lose the real intelligent conversations we have always had, everything was disposed to be fun and giggly all the time. This was my first sign then we had a fight and I left to a homeless shelter. He has paid for me a hotel room for a month but still seems wishy washy on me coming home. I don't worry about physical cheating too much cause of his past and he would come straight out and tell me, and wouldn't have paid for this room so he could still see me . But he's not himself and this is tearing me apart!!!!! I'm looking for work and trying to take care of me and yet still be supportive , I have agreed with his crazy ideas and gently mentioned (before I read anything on Midlife cricis ) in passing the things concerning me right now but he says let's not focus on that if the conversation lasts longer than he wants and we hop subjects how long will this last? Am I just being pushed around by him? I can see his confusion in his eyes and I want this all over I want my man back am I'm doing the right things? I give him the space he's asking for. I listen to everything he wants to talk about? I try to stay in the shallow end ? Sometimes his jokes are completely insulting I tell him he seems remorseful but they are terrible!!!! Help please I'm just as miserable as he is!!! What do we do!!!!!
Posted @ Monday, January 21, 2013 3:19 PM by Sarah
I am confused. Am I meant to stay in contact with myH or am I meant to Not have any contact.
Posted @ Tuesday, January 29, 2013 10:23 PM by Tina
Tina, if his MLC involves or has involved a relationship with another all the specialists would say don't have any contact. I love my husband dearly and found it very hard to let go, but this is what you need to do. Be strong and know that if it is meant to be he may learn from his mistakes and return a better man, but for now you must distance yourself. As my psych said, the more you pursue, the more he will distance - a common human behaviour. It took me a long time to accept that letting go, not asking, not explaining, not trying to open his eyes or get him to see logically was in my best interest if I wanted a chance to re-kindle. Many call it 'moving on' which I always took great offence to as I hadn't closed the door - I call it getting on with my life. Incredibly difficult if you still want them. Mine is living with his GF - very very painful. My advice to you spend time with friends, family, kids, doing things you enjoy, exercise, enjoy a glass of wine (helps calm)these all in the end will distract you and get you through. PRETEND you're not interested. Our marriage counsellor said, the only chance i have now is if his feelings for me return when he see's I have moved on. Moving on doesn't have to mean closing the door but it will may require you to make decisions in your current reality - if you aren't together. It is 9mths since he ended marriage and my heart would still love to reconcile but even I don't know whether it would work or not now. PRETEND PRETEND PRETEND that you don't care, you have you're own life now and you're happy. PRETEND until you believe it yourself and see what happens. It all comes down to time. Waiting for time to pass is the worst!!!!
Posted @ Wednesday, January 30, 2013 3:37 AM by Amanda
Sarah, Giving him space is the right first step, listening is good also, but you need to be treated with respect as well, so don't follow these steps if he is being insulting towards you. If you both are miserable that's a sign that something is wrong and needs to change. Talking to a marriage counselor would be helpful in finding out how things can change. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, January 30, 2013 11:57 AM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
Amanda, Have you really moved on? Sounds like you need to work on taking care of yourself and discovering what you want the next step of your life to look like. That's not pretending, it's living. Hope you get started soon. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, January 30, 2013 12:00 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My husband who will be turning 48 in May has left. States that he has been unhappy for 28 years. Which of course includes me. Yet he still calls, comes to the house. He stated he didnt feel like he belongs at home or at the place he is staying. I have ran the gamet of emotions, myself. I do know that this is all on him. He is not a talker. So that will get us nowhere. I find that I can be alone and am fine with it. But would love to know how long or how much time is needed. My time of not being angry is starting to rise and I know that will not help. I'm living in limbo and cant take much more. I know he is confused. No other woman is involved. I just dont know what to do. I feel he is having his cake and eating it to
Posted @ Tuesday, March 05, 2013 10:09 AM by Mary
Hi. I am at my wits end. Husband has turned into someone I do not recognise. I had the 'bombshell' moment about 5 weeks ago when he declared out marriage was over, its all my fault, I have made him so unhappy for years!!!!! Complete shocker! He seems to look through me with blank eyes and cannot see why I am so upset. He seems to have moved on so quickly. He still wont admit affair with coworker and his behaviour is really strange and to the point of weird. He has become so selfish and he seems to be on a quest to get everything for himself and doesn't care who or what he destructs in the process. I need him to leave but he won't go. I keep hoping he will go and live with the OW so I can try and get on with my life because he keeps dragging me down. He took off wedding band and I got upset and he did not understand why. He has no emotion in him. I cannot get my head around his personality change. 
Posted @ Saturday, March 23, 2013 5:34 AM by AL
My heart bleeds for the women on this blog. We all have the same desparation. We are all struggling to try & make sense of something we don't understand. Kurt can you point us to/or write an article to help shed some light on the common questions/issues faced by the women who are left disillusioned by an affair. I have heard the same stories from women over & over again. We all talk the same language. There is plenty of information around on what a betrayed spouse goes through and how they need to 'move on'. However, there is little written about what the affair partner goes through that can help betrayed partners understand what they are faced with on a daily basis - their changes in personality, attitude & behaviour. How can someone change seemingly overnight? How can someone who loved & repected you have no care, compassion, empathy for you/your situation? How can they be so cold towards you? How do they deal with the fact that they've hurt another? How can they turn their backs without an explanation knowing how much it pains another? How can they leave without trying to fix a marriage or end respectfully. Why do they re-write history & blame everything on their partners? Why do the partners who have been left become the bad guy? Why do they continue to lie, even when the affair is out in the open. Why do they become so selfish often at the expense of their own children? What are they thinking, feeling, dealing with? Why do they not show any sorrow or remorse? How do we make sense of the changes we see in the men we thought we knew so well? What are we meant to think of them now - are they still 'good men.' Does our relationship/history hold any significance in their lives? How do we know if the affair is part of a midlife crisis? How is this REALLY affecting them as they project that they are happy and not suffering at all. How may things change over time for them. There are many variations in peoples situations,I know, but a general look at 'common' behaviours & attitudes affair partners may go through would be helpful to those left behind.
Posted @ Sunday, March 24, 2013 12:55 AM by AD
AD, Wow, that's a lot of questions, and really good ones too. I'll see what I can do to answer some of them. Stay tuned. -Kurt
Posted @ Wednesday, March 27, 2013 2:57 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
This just happened to me. My 14 year marriage is over due to my husband's MLC. Three months ago he decided he is unhappy and of course I was the reason he was unhappy. He did emotional inventory on our entire relationship. He would just get up and go and abandoned his family 3 nights a week. He was coming home 4-5am in the morning. He was having weird cell phone behavior. He constantly texting someone which screams affair. My husband is very frugal. The type of person who would drive across town to save money on an item. Now he is racking up credit card debt and taking 200 ATM withdrawals on a regular basis. I could not take it any more. After him repeatingly telling me he does not love me, does not want to spend time with me. Their is no hope that he will ever feel differently. After standing me up at our marriage counseling appointment. I filed for divorce.
Posted @ Wednesday, April 03, 2013 9:49 AM by LC
I just read this entire blog. And the funny (not ha-ha funny) thing is, it sounds like guys are the only ones who have MLC? Or just flips & changes out of the blue one day?  
But these stories sound just like mine only Im the man. Although we re not actually married but i thought we were committed to each other? At least i know i was! & i sincerely believed she was too... just to be played a pathetic fool!  
All these behaviors that have been described above are extremely upsetting & as if i wrote them about her!  
It was the hardest thing ive done in long time but I had to walk away from her to regain my self respect and dignity & to get her to have some respect for me also.  
I got my own little one brm apt. & now she's changing her tune completely. Telling me that she has made some very bad mistakes & how much she loves me. But i don't trust her at all or believe a word she says. And for very good reasons.  
I do love her more than any woman ive ever been with & i miss her so bad it physically hurts. We had some pretty rocky times. i just turned 45 last month & we had planned to go the bay area for months & we had just spent an amazing 3 day weekend together in Lodi. We had a very nice time & the next day she just drops a bomb? She tells me that we re going to different directions & that she doesnt feel the same about me? That was 2 days before valentines day & a month before my 45th bday. She had this all planned there are no accidents! It was a choice that she made without talking to me about it or trying to work it out. She was so cruel & cold hearted as if i was just some stranger! And she had no problem crushing my heart & seemed to actually find joy in it!!  
Which really made me go off the deep end although i take full accountability for my actions becuz i chose to go off the deep end..  
i just want an honest & loving relationship with a woman who is my true best friend that i can totally trust & count on.  
And shes not that woman. Thats f*&kin kills me to say that but its true!  
trust is the foundation of a good strong healthy relationship. Once its been broken so many times whats there to build on? Love? Loves not enough although i will say love is also everything! But the definition of love doesnt describe us anymore. And honestly im not so sure now it ever did?  
She was my whole life. In my every thought. I'll never put someone before my own serenity again.  
That is where the problem lies. Happiness can not be based or pend on another person! We are human and we all fall short & we will at times let one another down or fail. But I would like to think that the love of my life wouldnt go out of her way to intentionally hurt me on purpose. Fully aware of the pain she caused & just did it anyway for whatever instant gratification she got at the time?  
Cuz im not stupid! 1+1=2 
Theres almost always someone else in the mix that throws it out of wack!  
But anyway i just wanted to share that & let the world know its not just us guys that go haywire! Think about it? 
In my opinion, & for the most part, guys are much more stable mentally & emotionally... Woman over think things way too much . And in my experience, woman often make a perminate decision on a emotional feeling. Dont get mad at me. This is how i feel & i realize that this is based on the few woman ive been around & have been with. 
I love woman!!! Sinerely! Im still wounded...
Posted @ Thursday, April 11, 2013 6:10 PM by Geo Law
My husband and I fell in love 16 years ago, we were married for 11 years. He loved me very much and use to tell and show everyone that. I'm quite a bit older than he is but that never showed physically or emotionally. I'm a very beautiful European woman and we have would spend every waking moment with each other. We had a lot of issues with communication and some resentment on both our parts but nothing I thought we could work out. About 6 months ago he started asking for space saying he was exhausted because we were both having so much stress with the changes in our life. Changing homes 3 times in a year, my depression for being out of a very extensive medical school and so on. Than the space issue escalated into him moving out and practically abandoning me. Than he wanted the marriage to be over. I don't recognize him anymore. He has become very emotional. He is secretive and I feel there is another woman in his life perhaps they even live together. If I ask him he gets angry and starts blaming me for the break up. Has given me mixed messages and now he just ignores me or feels guilty enough to want to help me. If he comes over he is nice but like a stranger I don't know. It's if he just had a lobotomy and erased our marriage and what we had from his conscious and doesn't have any remorse about what he did to me. I feel like I've been so hurt I don't know how to ever get over this tragedy in my life. The was my 2nd marriage and thought is was going to be forever with who I thought was my soul mate. I'm so disillusioned but I don't want this to destroy me completely. My husband is 38. Is he going though a midlife crisis?
Posted @ Friday, April 12, 2013 8:04 PM by Betrayed
I LefT Husband 30 11 Months Ago Because Of A Mlc. I Have Not Seen Him Since. We Have 2 Adult Children And Felt We WoulD Always Be Parents. Cut Off Completely
Posted @ Wednesday, April 24, 2013 1:21 AM by Dolores Gutierrez
I recently started divorce proceedings against my husband. We where together for 23yrs married for 9yrs. He had an affair in 2011 and after trying to work things out he ended or relationship in Feb this year. He has totally erased me from his life, changed his number and stopped paying all bills leaving me in debt. It was a shock and I have to say he is not the man I thought I knew all those years. Well like the person who mentioned previously I have been extremely depressed and blamed myself for everything.. We will never know why people do what they do and they will never feel the pain they cause others. But I am slowly making sense of everything and I hope my life after divorce will be brighter. I miss the man I was married to though and maybe one day he will wake up from his midlife crisis and realise what he lost,
Posted @ Thursday, April 25, 2013 7:09 AM by Kirsty
From what I've read here, the only conclusion is that men are pricks and undeserving of our attention at all is they choose to be pricks. Period.
Posted @ Friday, April 26, 2013 9:32 AM by Amy
Two weeks ago my husband of 12 years just walked in and said I make him miserable and have for years. He is emotionally cheating with another woman, we have four kids and I am three months pregnant with our fifth. I know this is what is wrong with him I have been reading all day about it. I guess I just give him the space he requests so much and hope that by the time the baby comes he is sort of normal. Any suggestions?
Posted @ Tuesday, April 30, 2013 10:08 PM by Rachael
From what I have been reading there really is nothing I can do to change my husband I just have to work on me. I have started therapy once a week and I started child support proceedings since he does not want to leave the house or get a divorce till the baby comes. The part I worry over the most is when he comes to his sinces and being able find it in my heart to forgive him. I have given him a hall pass basically till after the baby comes to have his affair or whatever it is that he needs because what else can I do? I have pretty much quit speaking to him, instead focusing on my children and the baby. I tell him once a day that I love him and leave it at that. Also I am supportive from a distance. I guess I am already doing what I can, I just wish my old loving, sweet, supportive husband would come back I am in a high risk pregnancy so I really do need him.
Posted @ Tuesday, April 30, 2013 10:16 PM by Rachael
It's been 9 weeks since my husband of 15 years dropped the bombshell. One week later, it was obvious he was in a relationship with someone else at work. All of the descriptions above I can totally relate to, and although he is attending counselling because he is suffering from depression, I am realising that I need to step back as he is coming to me only when he needs emotional support, and that should be for the new GF to do, not me. We have 2 daughters, 11 and 10, and they have been totally amazing and kept me sane! We are moving 2 hours away back to where we used to live, where we have friends who can help me rebuild my life. I am scared though because it kind of erases the tiny corner of hope in my heart he may change his mind. I know it is the right thing to do. I guess we all need a little hope :-)
Posted @ Tuesday, May 07, 2013 12:31 PM by Clare Barton
I think the best thing you can do is get on with your life and work on yourself around self care, boundary setting etc. You could put out that you interested in reconciling and that you are working on yourself and that's what you have control over. All the best, it sounds like you have a great connection to your children, which is always great!
Posted @ Friday, May 17, 2013 12:02 PM by Shawn McNabb
My husband just turned 38 yrs old. We have been together for 19 yrs…married for 17 yrs with 3 kids. My husband has struggled over the years with depression (he won’t admit that) but he does admit @ times he has tried to self medicate with drugs many years ago & alcohol most recently. He hasn’t drank for 9 months now. He has always felt because of his reckless lifestyle he won’t live back 50 or 60 yrs old. Most recently 6 weeks ago I caught him talking to an old lover & he says they are just friends it was someone to laugh with. Since then he has been playing poker every night staying in hotels because he said he needs his space & he wants to go to the World Series of poker this year. He says he loves me & we kiss & hug when he comes home to spend 5 or 6 hours a day then he goes back to playing poker. I don’t understand his emotions change daily.
Posted @ Wednesday, June 05, 2013 10:44 PM by Rene
Thanks for the very useful info!
Posted @ Tuesday, July 23, 2013 5:54 AM by Deja Vow
The long letter that you said wow what a lot of questions I would love to hear the answers also.After 2 years I'm told my mind is badly damaged like a beaten wife from the constant cruelty,hate blame for things that go wrong although he left over a year ago.His last visit was to tell me about his sex and love life with a new woman and how happy he was.he was impotent for 2years before and told me it was my fault he realised.After 2years of remarks like that and screaming abuse down the phone as well,my dr,lawyer and police set up a protection order.no contact is helping a little but the gigantic hurtinside over wicked things he's done and said still have me weeping every day.Thats why I would love to see the answers you give that other lady.Will he ever regain normality and realise what he's done.left me in a demolished church that was classed as uninhabitable and said to people he gave me everything.on a single pension I was left broke and destitute but have kept the mortgage,rates etc paid up.He told me he wanted rid of any responsibilies,building the shell into a home the mortgage rates insurance and me.He came around the day everything was signed so happy he'd got rid of it all.I want him to feel the anguish of a very guilty conscience.I tried to be nice because it was an illness but now my thoughts are on me trying to get better.love to all the hurting people out there.
Posted @ Friday, August 02, 2013 7:18 AM by sandra flett
Sandra, Kurt has written two articles to answer my questions, they are very help. The first is How men cheat the second is Why men cheat.If you go to the menu and click on Blog the second article will appear - scroll down for the 1st article 
Posted @ Friday, August 02, 2013 8:56 PM by Amanda
Thanks Amanda but cheating wasn't a problem.I was sent seperation papers 5 days after he left for a "break"pages of him and I discussing and agreeing on things.Was arranged weeks before but I went to the lawyers appointment 4days later at his urging.He told me not to mention he had a mental disorder.Whilst in there I passed my copy to the lawyer and said I hadn't known or seen it untill 4 days previous.He was treated with contempt for all the lies he'd told her.I got my own lawyer who went through it and tied him down to every financial cost to me he would pay.He signed because he wanted rid of me the demolished church mortgage etc.At last count I heard it's cost him $1000's.the girlfriend was the 1st woman in his life a year after he left.Funny thing she was a younger version of me.I was quite a bit older then him and for 20 years it hadn't bothered him untill that MLC depression hit.Then he kept using your an old woman with every nasty thing he did.A month ago exactly a year after he left karma hit him very badly 3 times in a week.I'd had nothing to do with any of it.very bad but all his own doing. 
Posted @ Saturday, August 03, 2013 11:39 PM by sandra
Um, no! The biggest mistake women make when their husbands are having a midlife crisis is sticking around waiting for it to pass. What it wrong with all of these websites and blogs telling women how to "hang in there" and "stick by their man." If MLC was a real disease it would happen the world over but it DOES NOT. There has been some research that says it is more prevalent in materialistic societies like the U.S. - what does that tell you? No woman should have to sit on the sidelines waiting years for husband to decide or realize she is worthy of his love. I don't care what his excuse for those feelings are. If it were any other issue like anxiety or depression the person could get counseling or take a pill and be human again but men can take 1-10 years to get over their MLC and in the meantime the wife is left with pain and misery all the while trying to shield her children from the destruction left behind by their dad. Men need to grow up and get over the illusion that they will live forever and have some vestal virgin feeding him grapes. I've been married nearly 20 years and if I had to put up with my husband being distant, moody and self absorbed for even 6 months I'd be out that door in a microsecond. Woman do not deserve to be treated like that and society should stop making excuses for men who treat them that way. We still live in a society that can't decide whether PMS is real or not but MLC, oh heck yeah, that's a real serious problem that we should all sit back and let men wiggle through until they come out the other end a totally different person than the man we married. Sure, I'll waste 10 years waiting for that. No thanks!
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 6:03 PM by sara
Your comments are very valid.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 14, 2013 6:37 PM by Amanda
Husband Midlife Crisis I'm sorry i think its bunch of BS.....I't just excuse for man behavior!!!!
Posted @ Tuesday, September 24, 2013 7:13 PM by LORRAINE
These posts are making me angry...because i to been there..the same bs..I just says why do we women allow men to do all this bs to us it piss me off because i to allowed it..my question is WHY???? For Love.... IS THIS WHAT WE CALL LOVE!!!! WELL FOR ME I DON'T THINK SO.. I GAVE EVERYTHING TO THIS MAN FOR 28 YRS ALL I CAN SAYS IS ITS PUT ME IN A POSITION WERE I DISLIKE HIM AND WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW I ALLOWED HIM TO DO THIS TO ME AND HIS KIDS ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCK HIM BECAUSE HE WILL HAVE HIS DAY.. BECAUSE THE WORLD IS AROUND WHAT COME AROUND GOES AROUND...
Posted @ Tuesday, September 24, 2013 7:31 PM by Lorraine
It's happened to me after 29 years, my husband was forced to tell me it was over. He's left the family house we shared with our teenage son to live in a flat where he awaits his loved one. She still lives with her soon to be ex husband and child, can't afford to move out until we sell our house, which isn't going to happen. I haven't seen my husband for a couple of months, when he collects our son I tell him to wait in the car. He wanted to be friends but that wasn't going to happen and now the divorce is going though he really is showing his true colours. I think the word is desperate, she's obviously feeding him quantity amounts of Turkish Delight because her wish is his command. I will never forget our son's face when his dad told him of this other woman, he started to cry and all his dad could say was 'let him get rid of it', that's when I told him I'd destroy every mean son of a bitch feeling he had in his sexually perverse body. I am waiting for something truly dreadful to happen to him because he deserves it. For the women who want their husbands back I wish you the best of luck but I for one don't wish to entertain anyone who morals are best left in the rubbish bin.
Posted @ Friday, October 04, 2013 4:38 PM by Issy
I'm in the midst of dealing with my husbands mlc. To be honest, I think it's bullshit. I have done nothing but be the best wife I could be, I primarily took care of the kids, I take care of the house and yard, I work full time, I make meals, I still find time to dote on my husband. And yet I'm the one getting screwed here. He works and goes out drinking with the guys every night until at least 9:00. He doesn't want to spend any time with the kids or I. Will not include me in anything. Yet says we will make this marriage work. Thinks because he says I love you that I should be happy and that should be enough. Guess what, it's not. This is no longer a marriage. I had to pick my daughter up from school because she was so distraught over him never being home and feeling like her parents are headed for a divorce. I got. The burden of trying to console her. He even had an emotional affair with my step sister. We all work together as well so let me tell you, it's fun working with the two of them. After Christmas, I don't know how lint I can do all this. I love him so much but he is treating me like shit and doesn't care. I can tell you if women went through a crisis like this nearly as often as men, the men would leave. It's all bullshit. And before you respond, yes I'm angry, yes I'm in counseling, and yes I'm fed up.
Posted @ Sunday, December 15, 2013 1:35 AM by Kim
Kim - I am in total agreement with you!! I wasn't a perfect wife, but I wish him luck finding a better one. I have been living with a cold-hearted stranger for a year, who is now on a 3 week vacation in the sun trying to "find himself". I have poured over the internet trying to find ways to "help" this MLC. The only advice is to detach, let him do his own thing, make your own life, blah, blah, blah. He doesn't want a divorce, but doesn't want to spend any time with me either. My tears and sadness are turning into rage. I am also in counseling and fed up. Everything I've read says this could take YEARS for him to figure out his shit - and that he will be a completely different man if he ever does. I love him as you love your husband, but how long must we be doormats? I will be REALLY mad if once the divorce is complete there is a complete turnaround in him!! What a waste of year thus far.
Posted @ Saturday, January 18, 2014 3:58 PM by Christie
My husband of 26 years and father to my four children told me 1.5 years ago that he wasn't Happy and hasn't been in twenty years...my oldest is 20. I guess I lived in a different house then him sure my marriage wasn't perfect, but who's is?? Sure I have been hurt by him and him by me...but isn't marriage for better or worse? Isn't love about forgiveness? Why do men chose themselves, when they have a family that should come first?? My husband left our home February 1 , stopped communicating with me February 8, I retained a lawyer feb 27. Not something I want at all!! But I know I need to,protect myself and my children financially....hasn't spent any time with kids, living with his elderly parents who are both enabling his childish behavior. When did he get the right to leave me with all responsibilities?
Posted @ Tuesday, March 04, 2014 8:10 AM by Lisa
There's a huge correlation between MLC, narcissism and sudden wife abandonment syndrome. Went through it when XNPH turned 40 -- a year after he'd reproposed to me on our 10th and asked me to spend the next 40 years together. Upon our split he said that eight of our 12 years together had been bad, and by then he'd admitted his "prior" homosexual experiences which seemed to be current. Then came the stream of "devalue & discard," the numerous felony-level crimes and threats against me and endless attempts/threats to take our daughter. 
I'm now divorced 10 years and the behavior has all gotten worse to the point of total alienation from me of our 16 year old daughter. 
My experience has been, and I've read widely, that for many men this is an actual physiological and permanent change. Personally, my ex-husband has never been the same person again and, in 10 years, has never uttered/written one syllable of positive about me as his ex-wife and mother of his child. And yes, he was seeing people/living with someone while still married to me that last year. 
It's been life-changingly awful.
Posted @ Friday, March 28, 2014 11:28 PM by Lisa
The advice in this article was obviously written by some theorist who hasn't had to stand in the wife's shoes. Coddling the self-centered so isn't the answer. Been there done that and now I'm ashamed of my own patience. Find the nearest lake, ladies and tell your over-entitled, arrogant fool to go jump in it. Doing anything else is futile and heart wrenching,
Posted @ Saturday, April 19, 2014 11:58 PM by Caroline
I've been married for 20years and my husband is going through midlife crisis. I have no idea what to do. His sexual request are completely crazy and out of control and I really don't know what to do to make him understand I just want to be with him an no one else. any advise or comments would be of great help????
Posted @ Saturday, June 14, 2014 7:13 AM by Abby
Abby, I'd need to speak with you to give you some specific advice for you and your husband (I'm available by phone or Skype -- check out the Services page). -Kurt
Posted @ Sunday, June 15, 2014 9:13 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
So thankful to finally realize I am not alone in this situation. Don't get me wrong I would not be on this site if everything was OK.. but I will add all to my prayer lists & just know ,it's like Kurt says "focus on You" . There is an old saying if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to Be !! I have found strength in God , friends & loved ones , but the Man that I married is a complete stranger to me , & all the symptoms , actions & directions he is taking is totally gut wrenching. As everyone else I am seeking an attorney this week. Sad,lost ,confused ,but I need to protect myself. Married 15yrs next month tgthr 19yrs Oct. What a waste .... Still love my husband ,even after all this pain he has caused , hoping & praying for his health & well being daily..and for what ever God's will be done ...
Posted @ Saturday, July 05, 2014 9:40 AM by dd
Waiting out the crisis and giving my husband of 29 years space was the worst mistake of my life.in this time he deteriorated to the point of destroying all family relationships ,destroyed our marriage, and lost the respect of the community.get out as soon as you can and protect yourself and children.
Posted @ Sunday, July 27, 2014 10:12 PM by jan
Im, at this moment, going thru similar issue with my husband. Problem with mine is his bible thumping mother is influencing him that hes better off. Shes a control freak and i never knew how bad she was until she remarried. Literately i can see why his parents divorced to start with. And now in his mlc shes doing wht she does best while looking all innocent. Manipilating his thoughts when she knows hes not himself, and silently Controlling him into abondoning his family.
Posted @ Tuesday, July 29, 2014 8:34 PM by JCG
All I can say is WTF. We are the ones hurting and we must treat them with kid gloves. He is 50 and for 29 years I have given him my all. Go get a young teen like the porn you drool over and see how she screws you and eventually screws you over.
Posted @ Wednesday, August 06, 2014 3:54 PM by Tyla
Is it possible for a man to have a MLC at 33? We've been together for six years, and happily married for the last year and ten months. I realize my relationship isn't near as long as many others who have posted here, but the situation and behavior is very similar. He never let on to any relationship problems over the past six years. We would talk about how great our relationship was compared to other couples that we knew who seemed to always be fighting. Over the past several months, I could tell that he has been distant. Last month, he told me that he doesn't love me as much as he used to, and that he's been unhappy for a long time. He's very much playing the victim card, and is blaming any and all problems in the relationship and his life, (career, friends, family, you name it) on me. As with any relationship we had our issues from time to time, but I never felt that any of the issues were critical, just the normal stuff that I feel like every couple goes through, nagging, disagreements, etc. but nothing "major" at least in my eyes. I even asked him a few months ago when I noticed a change in his personality if there was anything that I personally was doing that was bothering him, and he told me no. Three weeks ago he left, and has been living with his friend ever since. He has only come home one time, and it was to pack a bigger suitcase than the one he initially took with him. His personality has changed 100%. He used to be a caring, compassionate, generous individual who was always happy and a just a joy to be around. Now he is angry, mean, cruel, and verbally abusive. He is completely "cold", even when I look at him, it's like he just even looks different, his face is so expressionless. Things that he loved he shows no regard for anymore. His dog that he wanted for years that we finally adopted several months ago has been faced with a health problem that can be fixed, however the surgery is costly. His response was to put the dog down, that he can't afford it. Even at the mention of making payments which I made clear that I would pay right along with him, he has refused. Regardless I'm paying for the surgery out of my own pocket, but the man I knew, the man I fell in love with, he would have done anything for an animal, especially his own puppy that we've raised together. We're going to counseling, however, I don't find it to be very helpful at this point. The therapist continues to say that he needs his space, and now has us going to individual therapy sessions instead of joint. I'm not exactly sure how that is supposed to help our marriage, shouldn't he be trying to bring us together, not separate us even further? I'm still reeling, just trying to wrap my head around this whole ordeal. It's like one day I was married to the man of my dreams, and the next day I couldn't even recognize who he is. I've thought that there may be another woman, but I haven't been able to find any signs or proof of it. He won't communicate with me at all, and the very few times that I've tried to reach out to him, he has met me with pure hostility, yelling and cussing, very verbally abusive. I just don't understand. I know I wasn't "perfect", I nagged and criticized more than I should have, but I still don't feel that my actions warranted this degree of behavior. I know he's very unhappy with his career, he has been having a very hard time moving ahead or getting any kind of promotion. He was offered another job on the other side of the country last year, and we both made a mutual decision not to relocate. He's now blaming the entire decision on me, that I wasn't willing to move, and the reason that his career is horrible is because I forced him to remain in the job he's currently in. Well I know I've already typed way too much...the reason I came to this blog is because many friends and family members think that he could be experiencing some sort of mental breakdown or life crisis, and I'm beginning to think so too after reading the stories that so many of you have shared. Everyone keep your head up and keep pressing forward, it's the only option we have and the best thing that we can do for ourselves and our families.
Posted @ Thursday, August 14, 2014 6:28 PM by JW
JW, Yes, a man can have a midlife crisis at 33. There really isn't a required age. Be patient with the counseling. It can take time and sometimes doesn't always seem beneficial when you're in the middle of it, but doesn't mean that's what the outcome will be. And sometimes individual counseling meetings are needed before couples can be the most productive. Again, be patient. Change takes time.-Kurt
Posted @ Friday, August 15, 2014 10:34 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Thanks for your feedback Kurt, I will try to be more patient with the counseling process! I appreciate your time in responding to my post, thanks again!
Posted @ Friday, August 15, 2014 10:52 AM by JW
So basically the advice here is to essentially do nothing and let him do anything he wants/doesn't want regardless of it's negative effect on him or his family. 
Oh yes, and ofcourse there is the thinnly veiled implication throughout this article if he wasn't "married" or a " family man" he's be 100% happy-meaning that any problems are completely and totally the wives fault- and for no other reason that that she AGREED to his REQUEST for marriage.  
Pft!!! What a bunch of MISOGYNISTIC CRAP. This "author" should have his therapy license yanked as his "advice" does ZERO to help husbands instead and actively sets wives up to accept emotional/mental abuse.
Posted @ Thursday, September 04, 2014 1:17 PM by Tara
Tara, Don't know how you're drawing those conclusions because that's not what I said at all. -Kurt
Posted @ Friday, September 05, 2014 7:58 AM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
Your opinion Kurt, begs me to ask THE question. Have you ever experienced male "MEN-opause" or witnessed it first hand? Advice is great but don't be so loose with your words. 
You leave a male to his devises while he is "MEN-opausing" aka leave him alone; a wife could lose everything!! Mine gambled away my children's future and our retirement, had I not stopped him we would have lost our home and the clothes on our backs! He went from being a responsible, honest, kind, thoughtful, happy, social, relaxed, confident, great husband, great dad, excellent boss; to the POLAR opposite times 10! 
We had a great relationship and respecteed each other immensely. We were best friends. He was the greatest man I had ever known! After 28 years I still got butterflies when we seen each other after work!! I can honestly say he seems like a stranger, even trivial things aren't the same. He is a hollow shell of the man he once was. Selfish and angry best describe him now. 
MEN-opause happens, it serious, and it is a chemical change in the body!! It does NEED medication/hormone replacements not therapists. Well therapists could help after the fall out. 
I'm not criticising....growth in life and careers is all about learning. This is a real hot topic maybe you could reevaluate your way of looking at it. Food for thought perhaps?
Posted @ Friday, September 12, 2014 9:49 PM by His Wife
Wife, Yes, I treat it every week. Chemical changes in the body can play a part in some cases, but even in those they're typically not the only contributing cause. And in a lot of men they aren't at play at all. Midlife crisis' are more a psychological than a chemical problem ("selfish and angry" are psychological problems). Yours obviously had some addictions issues too, which can result from chemical imbalances but also causes them too. You're welcome to disagree with me, but keep in mind that I've worked with hundreds and hundreds of men having midlife crisis', while you have one husband. -Kurt
Posted @ Saturday, September 13, 2014 7:53 PM by Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
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