"I Don’t Trust Wife” - Marriage Counselor Helps
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Nov 08, 2010
Q: I don’t trust wife. I have kidney cancer and they say I am in my 4th stage. I am so tired of feeling this way and I think I am taking it out on my partner. I have feelings not to trust wife. I know she loves me and isn’t looking for anyone else. So, why do these feelings go thru my mind? I think I have very little self confidence and take it out on her by always thinking she’s doing something behind my back. It is taking a toll on our relationship, but she tells me she only loves me and that the things I say, it’s the cancer talking. What should I or we do about this marriage counselor? – Alan K.
A: You’re in a tough spot. Everyone in your situation, having a terminal illness, goes through a lot of questioning and doubting. So some of what’s happening is probably due to your circumstances, but it doesn’t sound like all of it.
Your feelings to "not trust wife" are more about you than the cancer or your wife. You’ve got a common challenge for a lot of people – getting your thoughts to match up with your feelings. I hear you say “I know she loves me and isn’t looking for anyone else,” so the right thoughts are in your head -- at least some of the time. The problem is that your “very little self confidence,” which is really you feeling that you're not very valuable, these feelings are over-riding your thoughts.
The answer to your question of “why do these feelings go thru my mind?” is that your feelings about yourself are more powerful than the thoughts about your wife. To fix this problem you’ve got to do 2 things:
- Change how you feel about yourself. You need a more truthful view of yourself that's in line with how others, like your wife, see you. GS Tip: Have your wife make a list of the things she loves about you and read that to yourself once a day.
- Change your thoughts. GS Tip: Practice thinking this thought more often, “she isn’t looking for anyone else,” than you do, “she’s doing something behind my back.”
These may seem simple, but they’re actually crucial first steps to start to trust wife again.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor